CHRISTMAS FELICITATIONS

 

Merry Christmas,

Good will to all men,

The festive season

Is with us once again,

 

The special holy day

Is growing very near

So Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year

TOO MERRY CHRISTMAS

 

I made too merry yesterday

I had a splendid day

In Christmas celebration

I indulged in every way

But now my head is splitting

The morning after the play

So, I will nurse my head

For all of Boxing Day

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

During the Christmas season

Walk up and say something shocking

“How about I slip down your chimney,

After midnight and fill your stocking”

CHRISTMAS INDULGENCE

 

We spend the day

Eating more than we should

Turkey and trimmings

And rich Christmas pud

Mince pies and cream

Great petite fours

Pretzels and nuts

Wines and liqueurs

Cookies and marzipan

Chocolate Yule log

Rich Christmas cake

And creamy eggnog

Chocolate Orange

Chocolate Brazil’s

Hot Bombay mix

Twiglets and Pringles

Sweet, candied fruits

Sugar coated almonds

Cold turkey sandwich,

Till I’m suitably rotund

DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA

 

Against my better judgement

I took my young son to the store

And we queued up for an hour

So, he could see Santa Claus

 

The grotto was cheap and nasty

It was a terrible site to behold

I thought the whole thing a rip off

And my son thought he was too old

 

Santa’s little helper was pregnant

The head Elf was high as a kite

But I thought if we stayed in line

Everything would turn out alright

 

Well, he climbed onto Santa’s lap

To tell him his Christmas wish

But Santa smelled of whisky

And his trousers smelled of piss

 

It was about making memories

Well, according to my wife

But instead of a memorable visit

I think we scarred him for life

CHRISTMAS CARD SELECTION

 

I bought a bumper selection

Of Christmas cards today

One hundred assorted cards

A real bargain I would say

 

But not a shepherd or angel

Nor a stable, a star or a king

Not a holy word of praise

No Jesus, no God not a thing

 

I told my wife of my disgust

She said not to make a fuss

But they had managed to take

Christ out of Christmas

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 289

 

If wishes were horses

Then beggars would ride,

But they’re not

So, get off my pony