My great uncle John was an actor on the stage
Who was
best known as a pantomime dame
Famous for
his ugly sister and widow twanky
But not
anymore which is a great shame
He has gone
to that great pantomime in the sky
No longer
will he don grease paint and his regalia
I will
still see him though from time to time
Because
he’s not dead he’s just working for Ryan air
At last I have some time to spare
No more
work until the New Year
Its nearly
Christmas so beware
The
weather's bitter so have a care
Peace and
goodwill and never fear
A wish for
one and all for the coming year
The advent calendars
Are first
to appear
Heralding
the headlong rush
Toward
Christmas cheer
On trees
baubles reflect
Flickers of
candlelight
From November’s
end
Right up to
twelfth night
It was a bitterly cold and bleak Christmas morn
And had
been snowing heavily since before the dawn
And for the
morning service the waiting minister
Was
eventually joined by just one solitary farmer
The
clergyman said “Well even though it’s Christmas day
I don’t
suppose there's no point in having a service today.”
The farmer
replied “Well that's not quite how I see it.
If only one
cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.”
My mum got me a jumper
That fits
what it touched
My sister
got me novelty socks
That didn’t
cost very much
My dad got
me a Philishave
To shave
between my spots
My Nan got
me a scarf
And a box
of jelly tots
But it’s
the identity
That I
would like to know
Of who got
me the condoms
Tied up
with a bow
The three wise men
Traveled
for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived
after the birth
They stood
and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt
reverently in the lords presence
Then gave
their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
The three
wise women
Would have
stopped to ask directions
And arrived
before the birth
They would
have delivered the baby
Then they
would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before
giving the baby really useful gifts
Tis the festive season
Of goodwill
and reason
For the
politically correct
The
dithering and the direct
For the
clubs and the cliques
And tedious
control freaks
For the
anal retentive's
And their
many representatives
For council
house yobs
And the
inverted snobs
Those with
professional jobs
And
intellectual snobs
For the
easily offended
And the
over complicated
For the
vile and the venomous
The overt
and the anonymous
Snake in
the grass vipers
And Back
stabbing snipers
To the
tarts and the vicars
And those
in disposable knickers
For all
poetry scrawlers
And the
unpleasant name callers
For the
narrowly minded
And those
with axes grinded
For the
loud minority
And the
silent majority
For blondes
and brunettes
And all
lads and laddettes
Those
pierced and tattooed
And the
prim and the lewd
For the
bright and the bland
And the
humble and the grand
For those
who are pretentious
And the
liberal consensus
Every class
hew and breed
Every
persuasion and creed
Whether
ungifted or artistic
And the
mentally arthritic
For the
first and the last
And sense
of humour bypassed
For those
with rhyme and reason
So in the
spirit of the season
Now the
year is nearly done
Merry
Christmas everyone
