EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - FROSTY
Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer
When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown
And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Crepe paper creation
We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Frosty’s incarnation
And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The carrot faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Frosty
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets
MY BROTHER WAS FIVE YEARS MY SENIOR
My brother was five years my senior
So he always led me astray
He took me on a hunt every December
Leading up to Christmas day
To find the presents that mum and dad
Had cunningly stashed away
LONG RED SOCKS
Long red socks hanging from the chimney
One sock for you and another sock for me
And this time next year we will hang three
RED SOCKS
Long red socks
And Christmas frocks
A sprig of mistletoe
That’s Christmas ho ho ho
HAND KNITTED GLOVES
Hand knitted gloves
Scarves and hats
Novelty slippers
A book of cricket stats
Soap on a rope
Hankies and socks
These are examples
Of my Christmas box
JOYFULNESS
Joyfulness
On high
Yeshua is born
For all mankind
Unconditional
Love for the world
THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST
The pipes of Christmas past
Carry with every merry blast
Seasonal joy, when they play
Their tunes of Christmas day
I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS AT CHRISTMAS
I am blessed with Friends
Some of them are fruity
Some are soaked in alcohol
Some of them are nutty
Some are sweet
Some add spice
Some add zest
Some smell nice
But when mixed together
And yuletide is upon us
They become without doubt
The fruit cake of Christmas
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
Christmas 2013 Selection Box # 1
EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - SANTA
Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer
When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown
And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Red crepe paper creation
We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Santa’s incarnation
And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The pink faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Santa
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets
A SNOWMANS TALE
When I was very little
My dad and his brother
Built a huge snowman
Bigger than any other
He was as tall as Dad
And was round and fat
It had coal for eyes
And a big black hat
A scarf about its neck
For sartorial style
A large carrot nose
And a twig for a smile
Knobbly stick arms
With gloves at the end
A belt around its girth
Like a cummerbund
I loved that snowman
Standing so very tall
Until the eventual thaw
And I watched him fall
CHRISTMAS
Christ the lord
Holy birth in Bethlehem
Regal child in David’s city
Infant of God
Sent from heaven above
To die for us
Messiah in a manger
Angelic miracle
Saviour of man
WALNUTS IN WINTER
Walnuts in winter
Along with filberts, almonds
And fleshy Brazils
YOUNG LOVERS CUDDLE
Young lovers cuddle
Listening to carols sung
While the Yule log burns
THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST BLOW OUT
The pipes of Christmas past blow out
The melodies of yesteryear
With memories to warm the heart
And bring a sentimental tear
OH SANTA CLAUS THE BELLS THE BELLS ARE CALLING
Oh Santa Claus the bells the bells are calling
From town to town, where goodwill doth abide
The summers gone, the autumn leaves have fallen
We’re near, we’re near another Christmas tide
So come ye back to us on Christmas Evening
when all the land is hushed and white with snow
And we will leave your milk and cookies
Oh Santa Claus, you know we love you so
ARE YOU WEARING RED SHOES?
Are you wearing red shoes?
And very festive they are to
And just the thing for a Christmas do
Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer
When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown
And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Red crepe paper creation
We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Santa’s incarnation
And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The pink faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Santa
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets
A SNOWMANS TALE
When I was very little
My dad and his brother
Built a huge snowman
Bigger than any other
He was as tall as Dad
And was round and fat
It had coal for eyes
And a big black hat
A scarf about its neck
For sartorial style
A large carrot nose
And a twig for a smile
Knobbly stick arms
With gloves at the end
A belt around its girth
Like a cummerbund
I loved that snowman
Standing so very tall
Until the eventual thaw
And I watched him fall
CHRISTMAS
Christ the lord
Holy birth in Bethlehem
Regal child in David’s city
Infant of God
Sent from heaven above
To die for us
Messiah in a manger
Angelic miracle
Saviour of man
WALNUTS IN WINTER
Walnuts in winter
Along with filberts, almonds
And fleshy Brazils
YOUNG LOVERS CUDDLE
Young lovers cuddle
Listening to carols sung
While the Yule log burns
THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST BLOW OUT
The pipes of Christmas past blow out
The melodies of yesteryear
With memories to warm the heart
And bring a sentimental tear
OH SANTA CLAUS THE BELLS THE BELLS ARE CALLING
Oh Santa Claus the bells the bells are calling
From town to town, where goodwill doth abide
The summers gone, the autumn leaves have fallen
We’re near, we’re near another Christmas tide
So come ye back to us on Christmas Evening
when all the land is hushed and white with snow
And we will leave your milk and cookies
Oh Santa Claus, you know we love you so
ARE YOU WEARING RED SHOES?
Are you wearing red shoes?
And very festive they are to
And just the thing for a Christmas do
Christmas Humour Selection Box # 4
I SAW SANTA CLAUS LAST NIGHT
I saw Santa Claus last night
Messing with a ho ho ho
When he was kissing her
Underneath the camel toe
WHEN RUDOLPH ARRIVED
When Rudolph arrived
Cupid was so pleased
It meant the other reindeer
Had someone new to tease
RUBY THE RED NOSED BIMBO
Ruby the red nosed bimbo
Had a very strawberry nose
And if you ever saw her
You would even say it glows
All of the other bimbos
Used to laugh and call her names.
They never let poor Ruby
Join in any bimbo games.
Then one lonely Christmas Eve
Someone came to play:
Ruby with your nose so bright
Let me grab your tits tonight
Then all the fellas loved her
As they shouted out with glee,
Ruby the red-nosed bimbo
You can now go down on me!
CHRISTINGLE MINGLE
It is the season that makes my senses tingle
The time of year when the sleigh bells jingle
And we come together for the Christingle mingle
When the Clauses and the Grinches intermingle
And happy clappy’s and traditionalists comingle
As we celebrate the service of Christingle
HER WASSAIL
She would sing for her supper
And wail for her wassail
To get her turkey dinner
And a pint of Christmas ale
ARE YOU WEARING RED VELVET?
Are you wearing red velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN VELVET?
Are you wearing green velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND REINDEER?
What do you call a blind reindeer?
During the governments austere stance
“Fit for work and no longer eligible
For any disability allowance”
RED SUIT
Santa Claus wears his famous red suit
As down another Chimney he’ll shoot
But no one knows what’s under there
He likes dressing in Ladies underwear
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Because Daddy
Has just worked
A 14 hour day
And now has to drive
300 miles of Christmas traffic
To spend another bloody Christmas
At Grandma Browns
House of doom
So he is not in the mood
For any of your shit
WE ALL PLAYED CHARADES
We all played Charades
At the in laws on Boxing Day
My wife’s Uncle Jack
Really went for it I must say
We were really impressed
By his energetic display
It was ten minutes before we knew
His heart had given way
I saw Santa Claus last night
Messing with a ho ho ho
When he was kissing her
Underneath the camel toe
WHEN RUDOLPH ARRIVED
When Rudolph arrived
Cupid was so pleased
It meant the other reindeer
Had someone new to tease
RUBY THE RED NOSED BIMBO
Ruby the red nosed bimbo
Had a very strawberry nose
And if you ever saw her
You would even say it glows
All of the other bimbos
Used to laugh and call her names.
They never let poor Ruby
Join in any bimbo games.
Then one lonely Christmas Eve
Someone came to play:
Ruby with your nose so bright
Let me grab your tits tonight
Then all the fellas loved her
As they shouted out with glee,
Ruby the red-nosed bimbo
You can now go down on me!
CHRISTINGLE MINGLE
It is the season that makes my senses tingle
The time of year when the sleigh bells jingle
And we come together for the Christingle mingle
When the Clauses and the Grinches intermingle
And happy clappy’s and traditionalists comingle
As we celebrate the service of Christingle
HER WASSAIL
She would sing for her supper
And wail for her wassail
To get her turkey dinner
And a pint of Christmas ale
ARE YOU WEARING RED VELVET?
Are you wearing red velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN VELVET?
Are you wearing green velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND REINDEER?
What do you call a blind reindeer?
During the governments austere stance
“Fit for work and no longer eligible
For any disability allowance”
RED SUIT
Santa Claus wears his famous red suit
As down another Chimney he’ll shoot
But no one knows what’s under there
He likes dressing in Ladies underwear
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Because Daddy
Has just worked
A 14 hour day
And now has to drive
300 miles of Christmas traffic
To spend another bloody Christmas
At Grandma Browns
House of doom
So he is not in the mood
For any of your shit
WE ALL PLAYED CHARADES
We all played Charades
At the in laws on Boxing Day
My wife’s Uncle Jack
Really went for it I must say
We were really impressed
By his energetic display
It was ten minutes before we knew
His heart had given way
Christmas Humour Selection Box # 3
WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 2
When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to ballroom dance
Going quick quick slow
Then he dances backwards
And he goes oh oh oh
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 4
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Christmas table
DO NOT EAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
Do not eat Christmas decorations
They are not nutritious in the slightest
And apart from that very simple fact
You will end up with bad tinsilitis
I ALWAYS COME OUT IN A RASH
I always come out in a rash
It happens every Xmas
I’ve been to see a doctor
And he thinks its Eczemas
I LOVE THE SMELLS OF CHRISTMAS
I love the smells of Christmas
Like Cinnamon and Ginger
Roasted chestnuts piping hot
Gluhwein and Pine needles
So I feel sorry for the snowmen
As they can only smell carrot
A DOG ISN’T JUST FOR CHRISTMAS
A dog isn’t just for Christmas
That’s what they say
And they are correct
Its also nice cold on Boxing Day
TRANSVESTITE CHRISTMAS
Do you think that cross dressers
Find Christmas is merry?
I bet you think they are sad
Well on the contrary
I really love Christmas
As I can eat, drink and be Mary
MY GOOSE WAS COOKED
On Christmas morning
Into the kitchen I snook
And as my wife cooked the Goose
I goosed the cook
RED CHEEKS
Cheeks wear a rosy glow
As they play out in the snow
Making the snowman grow
Until the wind begins to blow
And they look at me and know
It’s time for a mug of cocoa
MERRY, MERRY
The doctor scratches his head
And is almost struck dumb
Why did Santa Claus have
A mince pie stuck up his bum
The only answer was
On a pie he must have sat
So the doctor said
“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”
THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES
They’re putting on activities
For those whose lives need enhancing
Well I’m hard of hearing
And of the activities they are advancing
Budgie jumping, parrot shooting
And hen gliding
Might be worth chancing
But no way am I going to have a go
At the Lion dancing
When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to ballroom dance
Going quick quick slow
Then he dances backwards
And he goes oh oh oh
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 4
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Christmas table
DO NOT EAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
Do not eat Christmas decorations
They are not nutritious in the slightest
And apart from that very simple fact
You will end up with bad tinsilitis
I ALWAYS COME OUT IN A RASH
I always come out in a rash
It happens every Xmas
I’ve been to see a doctor
And he thinks its Eczemas
I LOVE THE SMELLS OF CHRISTMAS
I love the smells of Christmas
Like Cinnamon and Ginger
Roasted chestnuts piping hot
Gluhwein and Pine needles
So I feel sorry for the snowmen
As they can only smell carrot
A DOG ISN’T JUST FOR CHRISTMAS
A dog isn’t just for Christmas
That’s what they say
And they are correct
Its also nice cold on Boxing Day
TRANSVESTITE CHRISTMAS
Do you think that cross dressers
Find Christmas is merry?
I bet you think they are sad
Well on the contrary
I really love Christmas
As I can eat, drink and be Mary
MY GOOSE WAS COOKED
On Christmas morning
Into the kitchen I snook
And as my wife cooked the Goose
I goosed the cook
RED CHEEKS
Cheeks wear a rosy glow
As they play out in the snow
Making the snowman grow
Until the wind begins to blow
And they look at me and know
It’s time for a mug of cocoa
MERRY, MERRY
The doctor scratches his head
And is almost struck dumb
Why did Santa Claus have
A mince pie stuck up his bum
The only answer was
On a pie he must have sat
So the doctor said
“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”
THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES
They’re putting on activities
For those whose lives need enhancing
Well I’m hard of hearing
And of the activities they are advancing
Budgie jumping, parrot shooting
And hen gliding
Might be worth chancing
But no way am I going to have a go
At the Lion dancing
Christmas Humour Selection Box # 2
CANDY CANES, CINNAMON AND GINGER
Candy Canes,
Cinnamon and Ginger
Are some of my favourite
Christmas things
Especially when
They’re only wearing
Christmas Stockings
And Popcorn Strings
IF YOU PUT CANDY CANES ON THE TREE
If you put Candy canes on the tree
And Popcorn on strings
Then let me give the kind of advice
That experience brings
Don’t pack them away after the
Bell of New Year rings
Otherwise next year they will be
Seriously unsavory things
IN THE CHRISTMAS VILLAGE
In the Christmas village
At the North Pole
There is much excitement
Being kept under control
As there is to be an election
For every Elf and Troll
Votes can of course be cast
At the North Poll
GOOD KING WENCESLAS ORDERED OUT
Good King Wenceslas ordered out
On the feast of Stephen
An eighteen slice with extra cheese
Deep pan, crisp and even
SANTA'S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG
Santa's favorite Christmas song
That he sings repeatedly
Is Santa Claus is coming to town
Sung by Elfish Presley
PICKUP # 6
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Can I have your picture?”
You ask to establish a premise
“So I can show Santa Claus
What I want for Christmas?”
WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 1
When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to tend his garden
With his Hoe Hoe Hoe
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 1
Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Christmas season
RED VELVET
I think a velvet suit
Especially one red hued
And I must choose my words
So not to appear rude
But it’s not the most slimming
For a rather portly dude
AFTER A LONG FLIGHT ON THE SLEIGH
After a long flight on the sleigh
Listening to Sleigh bells jingle
It wasn’t milk and cookies
That made Santa’s taste buds tingle
It was the thought of Mrs. Claus’s
Freshly made Crisp Cringle
THERE WAS A MEXICAN SHEPHERD
There was a Mexican shepherd
Who once worked for my dad
And every Christmas time
He wished us Fleece Navidad
Candy Canes,
Cinnamon and Ginger
Are some of my favourite
Christmas things
Especially when
They’re only wearing
Christmas Stockings
And Popcorn Strings
IF YOU PUT CANDY CANES ON THE TREE
If you put Candy canes on the tree
And Popcorn on strings
Then let me give the kind of advice
That experience brings
Don’t pack them away after the
Bell of New Year rings
Otherwise next year they will be
Seriously unsavory things
IN THE CHRISTMAS VILLAGE
In the Christmas village
At the North Pole
There is much excitement
Being kept under control
As there is to be an election
For every Elf and Troll
Votes can of course be cast
At the North Poll
GOOD KING WENCESLAS ORDERED OUT
Good King Wenceslas ordered out
On the feast of Stephen
An eighteen slice with extra cheese
Deep pan, crisp and even
SANTA'S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG
Santa's favorite Christmas song
That he sings repeatedly
Is Santa Claus is coming to town
Sung by Elfish Presley
PICKUP # 6
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Can I have your picture?”
You ask to establish a premise
“So I can show Santa Claus
What I want for Christmas?”
WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 1
When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to tend his garden
With his Hoe Hoe Hoe
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 1
Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Christmas season
RED VELVET
I think a velvet suit
Especially one red hued
And I must choose my words
So not to appear rude
But it’s not the most slimming
For a rather portly dude
AFTER A LONG FLIGHT ON THE SLEIGH
After a long flight on the sleigh
Listening to Sleigh bells jingle
It wasn’t milk and cookies
That made Santa’s taste buds tingle
It was the thought of Mrs. Claus’s
Freshly made Crisp Cringle
THERE WAS A MEXICAN SHEPHERD
There was a Mexican shepherd
Who once worked for my dad
And every Christmas time
He wished us Fleece Navidad
Christmas Humour Selection Box # 1
IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS CHRISTMAS
If only your left leg was Christmas
And your right leg was New Year’s Day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays
WE HAVE THE SAME CHRISTMAS WINE
We have the same Christmas wine
Every year on Christmas day
“I don't want any Brussels sprouts”
The family all shrilly say
I WENT OUT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
I went out Christmas shopping
But I didn’t get very far
Before I got caught shoplifting
As I stole an advent calendar
The shopkeeper had me arrested
Because of my larcenous ways
And for stealing an advent calendar
I got twenty five days
CRACKERS, FRUITCAKE AND NUTS
Crackers, fruitcake and nuts
They mean Christmas to me
Although to be honest, they
Could also describe my family
WHEN SANTA RETURNED HOME
When Santa returned home
To have his tea
His wife was there
Waiting apprehensively
“There was a phone call for you”
Said Mrs. C
“It was a little garbled
And made no sense to me
Something about Saville
And Operation Yewtree”
CHRISTMAS DAY JUST AFTER LUNCH
Christmas day just after Lunch
My family, being a fun loving bunch
Engage enthusiastically one and all
In parlour games to enthral
At first the alcohol fuelled the fun
And a good time was had by everyone
However as the day wore on
With all self-control long gone
The games degenerate into farce
As an opponent is knocked on his arse
And the afternoon ends in tears
As it has done across the years
And dad makes his annual decree
“Games are forthwith banned” said he
THE YOUNG ELF EDUCATIONALISTS
The young Elf Educationalists
Have discovered an alarming theme
Those who struggle to learn the Elf-abet
Will in later life suffer low Elf esteem
NOVELTY TREE CHOCOLATES
When we were kids,
Before we went to bed,
My brothers and me
Were allowed a pick
A novelty chocolate
Off the Christmas tree
RED BIKE
One Christmas
I got a big Red Bike
With white mudguards
All new and shiny like
But alas it was gone
Again on Boxing Day
It belonged to the post office
So the police took it away
OLIVE THE 10TH REINDEER
Olive the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names
She never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
So he planted drugs in her stall
And got her chucked off the team
SO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC
So you think that you are Claustrophobic
Well I doubt that is a phobia of yours
As I should tell you that Claustrophobia
Is definitely not a fear of Santa Claus
If only your left leg was Christmas
And your right leg was New Year’s Day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays
WE HAVE THE SAME CHRISTMAS WINE
We have the same Christmas wine
Every year on Christmas day
“I don't want any Brussels sprouts”
The family all shrilly say
I WENT OUT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
I went out Christmas shopping
But I didn’t get very far
Before I got caught shoplifting
As I stole an advent calendar
The shopkeeper had me arrested
Because of my larcenous ways
And for stealing an advent calendar
I got twenty five days
CRACKERS, FRUITCAKE AND NUTS
Crackers, fruitcake and nuts
They mean Christmas to me
Although to be honest, they
Could also describe my family
WHEN SANTA RETURNED HOME
When Santa returned home
To have his tea
His wife was there
Waiting apprehensively
“There was a phone call for you”
Said Mrs. C
“It was a little garbled
And made no sense to me
Something about Saville
And Operation Yewtree”
CHRISTMAS DAY JUST AFTER LUNCH
Christmas day just after Lunch
My family, being a fun loving bunch
Engage enthusiastically one and all
In parlour games to enthral
At first the alcohol fuelled the fun
And a good time was had by everyone
However as the day wore on
With all self-control long gone
The games degenerate into farce
As an opponent is knocked on his arse
And the afternoon ends in tears
As it has done across the years
And dad makes his annual decree
“Games are forthwith banned” said he
THE YOUNG ELF EDUCATIONALISTS
The young Elf Educationalists
Have discovered an alarming theme
Those who struggle to learn the Elf-abet
Will in later life suffer low Elf esteem
NOVELTY TREE CHOCOLATES
When we were kids,
Before we went to bed,
My brothers and me
Were allowed a pick
A novelty chocolate
Off the Christmas tree
RED BIKE
One Christmas
I got a big Red Bike
With white mudguards
All new and shiny like
But alas it was gone
Again on Boxing Day
It belonged to the post office
So the police took it away
OLIVE THE 10TH REINDEER
Olive the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names
She never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
So he planted drugs in her stall
And got her chucked off the team
SO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC
So you think that you are Claustrophobic
Well I doubt that is a phobia of yours
As I should tell you that Claustrophobia
Is definitely not a fear of Santa Claus
A Little Bit Of Humour # 35
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 1
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing a Piano cabaret act
On a cruise ship instead
NO DOMESTIC GODDESS
I am not by any means
A domestic goddess
To be perfectly honest
My house is a bloody mess
So by way of camouflaging
My domestic disgrace
I always keep on display
Above the fireplace
Get well soon cards
Displayed to be seen
By guests who think
I’ve been too ill to clean
WE HAD ANOTHER TRIVIA QUIZ
We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night
And I got most of the questions right
But the final question always tells
“Name two things commonly found in cells?”
It appears that a Manc and Scouser
Was not the correct answer
SMOKING KILLS
Smoking kills
Of that there is no doubt
Especially if my wife
Were to find out
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 2
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour of their demise
Are presenting shows as Ant and Dec
In their most cunning disguise
SLUMBER WARNING
There is a limit to how early
You might go to your repose
Or you might end up retiring
Before you actually arose
MY CRAZY BROTHER IN LAW
My crazy brother in law
Has had a penis extension
Now visitors approach his
House with real apprehension
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 3
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour are not deceased
But are locked away in Broadmoor
And will never be released
THE CROWD WENT WILD
The crowd went wild
And the opposition reeled
As the Chicago Bugs
Won again at Wriggly Field
I WAS THROWN OUT OF A CLOTHING SHOP
I was thrown out of a clothing shop
It was one of the Muslim outlets
All I did was to ask if I could look
At one of their bomber jacket
YOU ARE TRULY MIDDLE AGED
You are truly middle aged
When your twilight is dawning
And you still believe you will
Feel better in the morning
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 4
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour did not snuff it
They’re living in a bedsit in Merseyside
Where they have to rough it
THE DIARY OF A VIRGIN
The diary of a Virgin
Is a very short read
As there are within
No entries indeed
LAST NIGHT I HAD FOR MY TEA
Last night I had for my tea
A delicious beef stew
With dumplings, better known
As my wife Sue
IN GEORGE CLOONEY’S LATEST ROLE
In George Clooney’s latest role
He’s to play the part of Kevan
A habitual paedophile
And it’s called "Oh, She's Eleven?"
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing a Piano cabaret act
On a cruise ship instead
NO DOMESTIC GODDESS
I am not by any means
A domestic goddess
To be perfectly honest
My house is a bloody mess
So by way of camouflaging
My domestic disgrace
I always keep on display
Above the fireplace
Get well soon cards
Displayed to be seen
By guests who think
I’ve been too ill to clean
WE HAD ANOTHER TRIVIA QUIZ
We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night
And I got most of the questions right
But the final question always tells
“Name two things commonly found in cells?”
It appears that a Manc and Scouser
Was not the correct answer
SMOKING KILLS
Smoking kills
Of that there is no doubt
Especially if my wife
Were to find out
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 2
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour of their demise
Are presenting shows as Ant and Dec
In their most cunning disguise
SLUMBER WARNING
There is a limit to how early
You might go to your repose
Or you might end up retiring
Before you actually arose
MY CRAZY BROTHER IN LAW
My crazy brother in law
Has had a penis extension
Now visitors approach his
House with real apprehension
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 3
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour are not deceased
But are locked away in Broadmoor
And will never be released
THE CROWD WENT WILD
The crowd went wild
And the opposition reeled
As the Chicago Bugs
Won again at Wriggly Field
I WAS THROWN OUT OF A CLOTHING SHOP
I was thrown out of a clothing shop
It was one of the Muslim outlets
All I did was to ask if I could look
At one of their bomber jacket
YOU ARE TRULY MIDDLE AGED
You are truly middle aged
When your twilight is dawning
And you still believe you will
Feel better in the morning
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 4
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour did not snuff it
They’re living in a bedsit in Merseyside
Where they have to rough it
THE DIARY OF A VIRGIN
The diary of a Virgin
Is a very short read
As there are within
No entries indeed
LAST NIGHT I HAD FOR MY TEA
Last night I had for my tea
A delicious beef stew
With dumplings, better known
As my wife Sue
IN GEORGE CLOONEY’S LATEST ROLE
In George Clooney’s latest role
He’s to play the part of Kevan
A habitual paedophile
And it’s called "Oh, She's Eleven?"
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