A Humourous Selection # 5

MOOSE ON THE LOOSE

When a Moose goes on holiday
He likes nothing better
Than eating the local cuisine
Especially the Moosesaka

FAMILY PLANNING ADVICE

I went to the family planning clinic
And I got a tip that is beyond price
It was written below the sign
For “Family Planning Advice”
It simply read “Use rear entrance”
That’s what I call good advice

QUEUE JUMPERS

Outside a popular night club
A set of jump leads were queuing
The bouncer said, “I'll let you in
As long but don't start anything”

DOCTOR PHOBIA

I went to see my GP. And I said
“I'm scared of lapels Doctor”
He said “ok just calm down
You've a touch of cholera”

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 2

I had a phone call from the doctor
“Your cheque came back” I heard him shout
I gathered myself for a moment
Then replied, “So did my bloody gout”

WHEN I WAS A BABY

When I was a baby
I drank milk
From bottle or breast

As boy I drank
Fizzy pop
Limeade was the best

When I reached manhood
I discovered beer
I loved a pint of best

Now I’m nearing the end
Of my life long trip
And all my fluids come
Thru an intravenous drip

I SAW SOMETHING NOT VERY NICE

I saw something not very nice
A poor old man fell over on the ice
I rushed over to him right away
He was very poor I would say
Lying on the icy ground
His pockets contained about a pound

DANIELLE ASKED RAY

Danielle asked Ray
“How was your check up today?
Was everything ok?”
Ray replied rather glum
“All was going fine, ho hum
Then he stuck his finger up my bum”
Danielle tried to reassure
“Well that’s standard procedure
Yes of course I’m sure”
Ray said “if you insist
Then for now I will persist
And stay with the same Dentist”

THEY SAY YOU SHOULD APPROACH LOVE

They say you should approach love
And cooking with the same reckless abandon
Well I’ve seen my girlfriend make an omelette
So I don’t think I need to go on

MY TACTIC

My tactic, come bed time
At the said time
Is to pull your night gown
Right down
Because there is no headroom
In your bedroom

ARE YOU WEARING? # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A SCARF?

Are you wearing a scarf?
Well it’s not a cold night
And it doesn’t match your outfit
It just doesn’t look right
Why are you wearing it?
I know you’ve got a love bite

ARE YOU WEARING COLOGNE?

Are you wearing cologne?
You’re wearing “Black Knight”
What is going on?
Something’s not right
Your wearing you’re cologne
And it’s a school night
It’s not your birthday
So you’re not due a delight
It’s definitely not Christmas
I know I have that right
It’s a snow day tomorrow?
Ok turn out the light

ARE YOU WEARING JODHPURS?

Are you wearing jodhpurs?
You have a fine seat you know
No I’ve never seen you ride
But I do like your bum though
You are a handsome filly
Of good pedigree so Tally ho
And if you’re offering me a ride
I wouldn’t mind giving you a go

ARE YOU WEARING A BUN?

Are you wearing a bun?
That will cause some chat
It’s just a bit old fashioned
But there’s nothing wrong in that
The biggest problem you have
Is it makes your face look fat

ARE YOU WEARING BALLET SHOES?

Are you wearing ballet shoes?
Not really suitable attire,
If you don’t mind me saying,
For working on the farm squire

ARE YOU WEARING TRAINER SOCKS?

Are you wearing trainer socks?
Tell me that you are Please do
Say you haven’t put an uncovered foot
Inside that sweaty training shoe

ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?

Are you wearing socks?
Tell me that you are, pray
Why must you adopt
The most bohemian way
And be quite sock less
On your wedding day

ARE YOU WEARING PIG TAILS?

Are you wearing pig tails?
Well that look never fails
To make you look, as a rule,
Like you’re still at school

ARE YOU WEARING A WAISTCOAT?

Are you wearing a waistcoat?
Well it certainly gets my vote
Though some might disapprove
And it falls on me to behove
To say without being uncaring
It’s the only thing you’re wearing

ARE YOU WEARING A FEATHER BOA?

Are you wearing a feather boa?
It makes you look like a goer
And I think that is a no noa
You don’t need any help so soa
You can loose the feather boa

The Love Selection # 3

GINGER HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the Ginger headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning orange hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

TO FIND THE PERFECT PARTNER

To find the perfect partner
There’s no one I must pursue
Across the world in search
Of every street and avenue
For if I were to take the highway
It would lead right back to you

WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR DESIRE?

What will become
Of our desire?
Will it take us?
Ever higher
To heights only Gods
Dare to aspire

What then
Will it just expire?
Or will it perish?
By ice or fire
Or will it deflate
Like a leaky tyre
What will become
Of our desire?

I SHOULD HAVE SAID

I should have said
You’re the highlight
Of every single day
I should have said
I loved you
In every single way

I should have said
What I was feeling
What resided in my heart
I should have said
I love you
Right from the start

I should have said it
But the words
Stayed in my head
I should have said
I love you
But I said “hi” instead

EVERY SINGLE DAY

Every single day
“I love you” you should say
But it goes unsaid,
And too often we are glib instead

TWENTY YEARS HAVE PAST

Twenty years have past
Since we stood side by side
It wasn’t all hearts and flowers
At times it was a bumpy ride

I think it’s been an achievement
And I feel an intense pride
I wouldn’t have spent a moment
Without you by my side

I don’t regret a single moment
Though there were tears along the way
But there was laughter also
And there was love every day

So here’s to the twenty years
That have happily gone before
Twenty happy years of love
I hope we have twenty more

IN THE MEADOW

I so remember that perfect day
When I first saw you
You were walking in the meadow
When you came in view

I so remember that perfect day
When I knew you were the one
As we danced in this meadow
In the afternoon sun

I so remember that perfect day
When you won my heart
And we held hands in the meadow
I never wanted us to part

I so remember that perfect day
When first we met
And we made love in the meadow
As the sun began to set

I so remember that perfect day
When you won my heart
I scatter your ashes in the meadow
And my heart breaks apart

HOW WILL I COPE?

How will I cope?
I don't know
But I’ll have to
Life has dealt the cards
And I must play them
Or fold them
Quitting is not an option
So I will have to cope
And I will,
I must
I have to get on with it
Stop feeling sorry for myself
And play the hand
Life has dealt me
And by determination
Win the pot

THE HARDEST THING TO SAY WAS GOODBYE

The hardest thing to say
Was goodbye
But it had to be said
It took resolve
As hard as granite
But it was said
It wasn’t for the want of love
There was love aplenty
On both sides
But we had grown apart
Sought different goals
And though the regret was deep
The last thing we said
Was goodbye

YOU ARE THE ONE

You are the one
I turn to for comfort
The one I can depend on
When things go caput

You are the one
Who sets me straight
When my heart is heavy
And the burden is great

You are the one
I turn to when I need a hug
You calm me down
Like a prescription drug

You are the one
On whom my life depends
Isn’t it about time
We were more than friends

A Humourous Selection # 4

DOCTOR PLEASE

“Doctor please help me?
I have a ringing in my ears"
He replied “if they ask for me
Tell them I’m not here”

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 1

My Doctor gave me six months to live.
Because I was terribly ill
But then he gave me another six months
When I said I couldn’t pay his bill

NAME CALLING # 2

I didn’t call her a dog
That would be hard to defend
But I did say she was
Mans best friend

DOUBLE STANDARDS

If a woman sleeps with ten men in a week
She is regarded in a sluttish way
Whereas if a man behaved in like wise
He’s regarded as a bit of a lad or gay

SUPPORT GROUP - LOW SELF ESTEEM

Do you suffer from Low Self Esteem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Just remember to use the back door

VERY POOR RECEPTION

An elderly man entered the surgery
And approached the receptionist
“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”
With a face that had never been kissed
And a manner to match she demanded
He tell her why he needed to go on the list
But he didn’t want to discuss it in reception
“You’ll have to tell me I really must insist”

Looking around at the other patients
'I’ve a problem with my dick', he replied
“You cannot say things like that
In the surgery” the receptionist chastised
“But you did ask me what was wrong
I must have misunderstood; sorry” he lied

“You should be a little more discreet
You have caused embarrassment I fear”
The Receptionist continued on
“You should say the problem is with your ear,
“You can be more frank with the doctor
But not cause any upset out here”

The man replied, “Why did you ask me
What was wrong, In front of everyone?
You shouldn't ask people questions
That could embarrass anyone”
The man walked out, waited several minutes,
And then returned to where he’d begun

“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”
He asked through dentures grit
The Receptionist smiled smugly
Enjoying the moment more than a bit
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he said
The Receptionist liked to see patients submit
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
Then he loudly said “I can't piss out of it,”

THE CARIBOU COLLECTIVE

The Caribou is the soberest beast
A wandering woodsman could meat
But get them in a group of threes or twos
They soon become the Caribooze

THE THING ABOUT MANGE-TOUT

The thing about mange-tout
That I want to say to you
Is when all said and done
I could never eat a whole one

THE CHURCH LADIES

The Church ladies have cast off clothing
Of every kind, generously strewn
They may be seen in the back room
Of the church hall every afternoon

AT THE FOOT OF MY BED

At the foot of my bed
As in my bed I laid
I saw Gloria Gaynor’s ghost
At first I was afraid........

ARE YOU WEARING? # 8

ARE YOU WEARING WELLIES?

Are you wearing wellies?
Why where are we going?
Will it be quite muddy?
Or has it been snowing
They are not for outdoors?
Then their use has receded
So please just tell me
Why the wellies are needed?
I still don’t understand
If there is no outdoor activity
Oh now the penny has dropped
They’re for indoor depravity

ARE YOU WEARING PIXIE BOOTS?

Are you wearing pixie boots?
Well they really are beauties
I’ve always had a soft spot
For little woodland cuties
So let me carry you away
Like a prized piece of booty
To a woodland clearing
Where we can get really fruity

ARE YOU WEARING A PLEATED SKIRT?

Are you wearing a pleated skirt?
It’s really very flattering on you
A blandishment to your hips
And narrows the waist without ado
And when the wind lifts it up
Your scanty wares come into view

ARE YOU WEARING A SNEER?

Are you wearing a sneer?
Well that’s how you appear
Like you’re looking down your nose
From some commanding belvedere

So what of your countenance
If it’s not a look of distain
What did you wish to convey
Perhaps we should start again

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SPECIAL?

Are you wearing something special?
For my special birthday treat
Something daringly risqué
Nothing remotely discreet
Something minimalist in silk
Would be right up my street

ARE YOU WEARING A UNION SUIT?

Are you wearing a union suit?
Well not exactly a source of phwors
It’s just an un-sexy combination
Of a vest and long drawers
But joined together like a romper suit
The addition of the trap doors
Makes it a little more exciting
I think I’d like to go through yours

ARE YOU WEARING A WIG?

Are you wearing a wig?
No I’m not having a dig
I’m not a fan of them
But this is an ill fitting item

It just doesn’t suit you
I know it’s just my view
I’m not meaning to nag
You look like you’re in drag

ARE YOU WEARING A TUTU?

Are you wearing a tutu?
Oh it really does suit you
Give me a twirl oh do do
In your pretty little tutu

ARE YOU WEARING A BOB?

Are you wearing your hair in a bob?
I think they’ve done a good job
It makes you look like a flapper
No I didn’t say you were a slapper
From the roaring twenties, a party girl
No I didn’t say you were a tarty girl
Instead of having your hair cut short
In order to prevent any auditory distort
And to stop you miss hearing things
You should have had your ears syringed

ARE YOU WEARING A FLAT CAP?

Are you wearing a flat cap?
How very working class
And you a Roedean girl
Normal so up her own arse

Dressing up like an oick
Does have some appeal
So say something common
And let me cop a feel

Relationships # 2

MOTHER OF TWO

George is a married man
Who is content with his lot
But he calls his wife “mother of two”
Which she likes not a jot

One day at a house party
He said as the partying was done
“Come along then “mother of two””
She replied “ok father of one”

MARRIAGE DEAL

Marriage is like a pack of cards
In the beginning to make the grade
You need two hearts and a diamond
By the end you want a club and a spade

LEFT A BIT, RIGHT A BIT

She said to me last night
“Left a bit, Right a bit,
Forward, now back,
Up a bit, down a bit”
With the relentless instructions
She was barking
I snapped “for God’s sake
Are we having sex or parking?”

DARLING, DO I PLEASE YOU IN BED?

A wife asked her husband
“Darling, do I please you in bed?”
“Yes, especially when you do that thing
With your mouth” he said
“Do you mean oral sex?
You know that makes me feel cheap”
“No I mean the thing where
You shut up and go to sleep”

JANE AND I

“I’ve been to Wales with Jane”
I was told by my friend
“Then tomorrow Jane and I
Are going to Lands End”
“And I will probably take Jane
To London at the weekend”
I didn’t like to shatter his illusions
But I had to in the end
“Jane is the voice on your SatNav
She’s not a proper girlfriend”

A Humourous Selection # 3

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 2

The naughty Toad in the hole
And his friend Guacamole
Along with Ratatouille
Thought Badger quite chewy

AVIATION ASPIRATION

My daughter wants to be a pilot
At first I was a little alarmed
But after I thought about it
My apprehension calmed

And I laughed at my foolishness
I felt silly, oh what a lark
After all it’s not as if
She will have to parallel park

SCRABBLED

After a scrabble marathon,
Hundreds of games back to back,
Tony Blair now feels vindicated
He finally found WMD in a rack

PICTURE HOUSE MODE

Bimbette and Peaches
Plus seventeen friends
All went to the cinema

At the booking office
The girl enquired
“Blimey why so many of yer?”

Bimbette said in reply
“Coz the advert says
18 or over."

THANK YOU FOR YOUR FAVOURS

Thank you for your favours, and joy they're bringing
Thanks coz now my pee is stinging
I wish I’d gone with out it, I say in all honesty
What would life be?
Without an itch or a rash what are we?
So I say thank you for your favours
For giving them to me

So I Say
Thank you for that infection
For giving it to me...

Sung to the tune of “Thank you for the music” by ABBA

WHAT I SAW OF MY COUSIN

I pushed open the bathroom door
And there before me stood
My young cousin towelling off
So I looked away as soon as I could

I quickly told her I was sorry and
I saw nothing which wasn’t quite true
I did see her ample breasts
But didn’t see a nipple or two

I often recall that morning
Being a man of simple pleasures
When I got to see her chest
But didn’t glimpse her treasures

SENIOR WINE

Forget the Pinot Grigio and its ilk
And the endless night time wee’s
Would you like anti-diuretic wine?
Then the Pinot More should please

MUSIC TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE BEAST

The shepherd lad called shep,
Though that was a Sobriquet,
Watched over his ragged flock
As he sat playing his flageolet

So enchanting was the melody
Played on his small fipple flute
It mesmerised the watching wolf
Making him easier to shoot

REGULAR HABITS

I pee every morning at 6 am.
Like the proverbial racehorse
And I evacuate my bowels
30 minutes later in force
Which would be perfect
If by then I was awake of course

NAME CALLING # 1

Calling her a dog
Is a little hard to defend
But I would say she is
Mans best friend