ARE YOU WEARING? # 7

ARE YOU WEARING WOOLLY TIGHTS?

Are you wearing woolly tights?
That’s one of my favourite sights
As the evenings begin to shorten
Well as they say winter draws on

ARE YOU WEARING SENSIBLE SHOES?

Are you wearing sensible shoes?
And substantial winter tights
What a wonderful combination
I can’t express how that delights
How comfortably cosy you will be
On the long cold winter nights

ARE YOU WEARING A PIXIE CUT?

Are you wearing a pixie cut?
God that must really annoy
When people keep telling you that
It makes you look like a boy

ARE YOU WEARING A TATTOO?

Are you wearing a tattoo?
It’s very appropriate for you
But the meaning might not please
As it says, “fat bloke” in Chinese

ARE YOU WEARING COMBINATIONS?

Are you wearing combinations?
I must say with total resignation
It’s not the sexiest underwear
For you to be wearing under there

ARE YOU WEARING A PONYTAIL?

Are you wearing a ponytail?
Don’t you think that look is stale?
Even at its most dizzy height
That look never looked quite right

So what were you thinking?
When you decided to have it done
It’s not appropriate for you
Now you’ve just turned eighty-one

ARE YOU WEARING A SMIRK?

Are you wearing a smirk?
I thought you’d been to work
But you decided you would shirk
With that good looking clerk
Brilliant so I get to look a berk
While you get to wear a smirk

ARE YOU WEARING A LEER?

Are you wearing a leer?
That’s out of order I fear
You are lustfully gazing
At the young and amazing
With lascivious thoughts
Ogling good looking sorts
Well only one of us can spy
And that letch is I

ARE YOU WEARING A HAT?

Are you wearing a hat?
What’s the point of that?
It’s often been said
You have an unsuitable head
And not just for millinery
It’s a little bit scary
And the hat doesn’t help
You made that boy yelp
So take off the hat
And that will be that
The hat will be gone
And the bag put back on

ARE YOU WEARING TWEEDS?

Are you wearing tweeds?
Well that certainly exceeds
Your rather arousing apparel
Really brings out the feral
Complimented by stout hardy shoes
In my own Victorian views
And I wouldn’t knock
Some good country stock
Let me help you over this stile
As I think all the while
How to best meet my needs
Of getting inside your tweeds

The Love Selection # 2

CONDITIONAL LOVE

You must be devoted,
Kind and true
Willing to give of yourself
If all this you can do
Then without reservation
I will love you

ETERNAL LOVE?

Eternal love?
Love that lasts
Forever more
Not this side
Of heavens door
That was my opinion
Well heretofore
Then I met you
And now I’m not so sure

ONCE INSIDE MY HEART

Once inside my heart
You’ll find it bleak and stark
For love has been defeated
And sits lonely in the dark
No colours exist here
Only shades of grey
But if you can endure
You could show me the way
And lead me from the dark
And back into the day

SEE A RAINBOW?

The door to my heart
Is always open to loves light
My essence is a rainbow
A spectrum of bright hues
But if you can only see
In shades of monochrome
The door to my heart
Remains closed to you

DESCENT FROM CLOUD NINE

You were joyful, everything was fine
You were content, sitting on cloud nine
Then things sharply turned
And you ended up getting burned
You took your eye off the ball
And took your devastating fall
You thought as life was good for you
That everything was for me too
I know that for you it was for life
But I’m not content to be your wife
I need more

LONG TIME FRIEND

For so long you have been my friend
But you've grown nearer to my heart,
And now I want our friendship to end
And the longed for love affair to start

I DON’T LIKE REPETITION

I don’t like repetition
But I will never complain,
When you tell me you love me
Again and again.

A COMFORTER

A comforter is a form of bedding
The modern example is a duvet
Or perhaps a continental quilt,
An eiderdown is best so they say
But I think that you’re the best
Comforter by a very long way

DEPENDABLE

I think I overly rely on you
I try not to but I know I do
I know I depend on your support
Perhaps more than I ought
I don’t want to cause any upset
You’re more than a safety net
I know my view is slanted
And I’m sure I take you for granted
But the reason that I depend on you
Is because I’m in love with you

AUBURN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the Auburn headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning brown hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

A Humourous Selection # 2

MY 50TH

My 50th was approaching
A milestone for us males
I’d dropped loads of hints
Because hinting never fails
“I want something new and shiny,
And for further details,
Go from 0 to 150
And all that that entails”
Well she went and bought me
A new set of bathroom scales

MAYDAY MODE

"Mayday, Mayday. SOS, Mayday
My pilot has had a heart attack and died
Can anybody out there hear me?”
The panicky blonde passenger cried

Suddenly a voice comes over the radio
And spoke with reassuring charm
“Just relax; I’m going to talk you down
But it’s important that you stay calm”

“Just give me your height and position
And then we’ll get you down from there”
“Well if you really need to know I'm 5'1"
And I'm sitting in the pilot’s chair."

The radio went silent like for a moment
As if they’d gone completely off the air
Then the voice from the tower returned
“Do you know the Lords prayer?”

ON THE ROCKS

Vodka with ice is bad for you
Rum with ice is bad for you
Whiskey with ice is bad for you
Gin with ice is bad for you
I think we should refrain
From using ice, don’t you

DON’T MAKE A SPECTACLE OF YOURSELF

If you walk into everything
Because your eyesight is chronic
Then the next thing you should do
Is walk in to the walk in clinic

NAMING THE CONSTABULARY

Since the days of the bow street runners
When they numbered but a few
There have been slang names
For our wonderful boys in blue

From the old bill and lily law
To the filth, pigs and Bobbies
The fuzz, the plod and the Rozzers
To the Peelers, Coppers and Bizzies

This is just the tip of the ice berg
There are many more I know
I find some of the modern ones
Just a little absurd though

I get the cultural reference
In calling the police 5 0
But I think it’s a bit pre school
Calling the police the Po Po

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 1

Ratty the water vole
And his friend Mr Mole
Buried Toad deep in a hole

MURDER SQUAD

The police, investigating a series of horrific murders
Appear to be out manoeuvred at every turn
All the victims were stabbed with knitting needles
Are the only details they’ve been able to discern
But even with such disappointing progress
They believe the killer maybe following a pattern

HEALTHY EATING

I’m trying to eat more healthily
Because you really can’t beat it
But when I buy rocket salad
It goes off before I can eat it

MENOPAUSAL MODE

Bimbette went home to see her mum
And found her acting quite funny
She was sat on the dining room floor
And appeared to be counting her money

But it was all coins of copper and silver
Then she started crying which was strange
Having never seen her like this, she asked
"Mum are you going through the change?"

CITIZENSHIP TEST

I have had an idea
For a citizenship test
And based on the success
Of this quest
The asylum application
Result should rest

The test would begin
With a long queue
That stretches away
Out of view
And that is all
That they’d have to do

Stand in a queue
Without knowing
The reason why
Or where it was going
And by this their
British-ness is showing

But if they fail
If they break ranks
Then that’s it
They’ve drawn blanks
And its good bye
And no thanks

ARE YOU WEARING? # 6

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE EYE LASHES?

Are you wearing false eye lashes?
You haven’t worn them before?
It’s just the way you’ve put them on
Makes you look like a Labrador

ARE YOU WEARING STILETTOS?

Are you wearing stilettos?
To cramp and pinch your toes
I’ll grant you have attractive pins
And the admirer certainly wins
But is it really worth the pain
To totter on your heels again

ARE YOU WEARING A WET SUIT?

Are you wearing a wet suit?
I’m sorry my query is moot
Why are you? Is more appropriate
As we’re stood in the Sahara desert

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNET STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing fishnet stockings?
They might be considered shocking
To those who think prim and proper
About a saucy stocking topper
Their thoughts are rather haughty
Where mine lean towards the naughty
So what other delightful accessory
Might be found up where necessary

ARE YOU WEARING A BLUSH?

Are you wearing a blush?
Oh was that another flush?
What have I been missing?
Who have you been kissing?
Have you been up to no good?
Been no better than you should?
Exactly what kind of disgrace?
Would put such colour in your face

ARE YOU WEARING FRUMPY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing frumpy clothes?
Because you like the style
Or did you cease to consider
Your appearance after a while

Perhaps you’re not in vogue
Because you’re just out of time
And dream of distant days
Being old fashioned is not a crime

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING CHIC?

Are you wearing something chic?
On your figure oh so sleek
That’s beautifully figure hugger
To tantalise a horny bugger

ARE YOU WEARING UGG BOOTS?

Are you wearing ugg boots?
I’m just a little shocked Aunty Ruth
Yes they are rather fun aren’t they
But to tell you the honest truth,
Without wanting to call you old,
They are more suited to the youth

ARE YOU WEARING LINCOLN GREEN?

Are you wearing Lincoln green?
Do you really think you should?
Because this isn’t merry England
And you aren’t Robin Hood

ARE YOU WEARING A SEAT BELT?

Are you wearing a seat belt?
Well you must as it’s the law
Yes I know its confining
But not as much as a mortuary draw

Just Plain Mucky

SEX IN SUBURBIA

Somewhere across this land
In house’s gable ended
Some frisky young frau’s
Are being table ended

TUP THAT

One of the most fulfilling moments
Is when I’m behind you tupping
And I reach beneath you
Until your breasts, I’m cupping

This is such an awesome pleasure
It always makes my spine tingle
And there I continue to hold you
Until the moment our juices mingle

SEX AID

My wife and I use Vaseline,
I’m not ashamed to say
My wife and I use it for sex
I’m not embarrassed to say
We put it on the door knob
To keep the kids at bay

A CAR FULL OF TOTTIE

A car full of tottie
Each one a hottie
A Chevy of cuties
A bevy of beauties
Some a bit haughty
Some a bit naughty
Honeys that razzled
Babes that bedazzled
But still I blew it
Deep down I knew it
I knew that I’d do it
Only I could do it
From a Chevy of cuties
A bevy of beauties
I dropped a clanger
And pulled the old banger

AMPUTEE

She said “What happened to you?
“You’ve been in the wars a bit”
“I accidently cut my finger off” He told her
She asked “The whole finger was it?”
“No as a matter of fact” he replied
“It was the one next to it”

JOE AND MABEL

Joe offered Mabel a drink and said
“You remind me of my little toe”
She giggled a bit and replied
“Because I’m small and cute Joe?”
She giggled again and he laughed
Then he replied “No it’s not that Mabel
It’s because I’ll probably end up
Banging you on the coffee table”

DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM

I recently saw an email
With photos of celebrity types
Getting out of sports cars
Showing off their tripe’s
Now not wearing panties
And showing off your ass
Isn’t very cultured
And is really lacking class

Variety Is The Spice Of Life

WHAT GREATER COMPLIMENT

What greater compliment
Could be bestowed
On any man
Than to say of him
At the end of his life
“He was faithful and true,
And discharged, with fidelity
Every trust
Confided to his keeping”
I would settle for that

WHAT GREATER EPITAPH

What greater epitaph
Could be written
Of any man
Than to say of him
At the end of his life
“While upon his death
He has left no
Large earthy riches,
To his afflicted family
But he has bequeathed
To them a legacy
More precious than gold
More imperishable
Then monumental brass,
A spotless name”

NOT A FOREIGN INVADER

Not a foreign invader
But an alien being
Inside me
Living, breathing
Growing stronger
Day by day
While I weakened
And in its strength
Is the knowledge
That it will not survive me
Cannot outlive me
Yet it is content
To kill me
Knowing it will end itself

OPEN YOUR ARMS TO CHANGE

Open your arms to change,
With open mind embrace the new
Open your heart to new possibilities
But to your values remain true

YOU DO NOT SUFFER FROM FALSE MODESTY

You do not suffer from false modesty
That is clear for even the blind to see
But if ever there was a truth that mattered
Its, don’t interrupt when you’re being flattered

I’M A LITTLE DESPOT

I’m a little despot
Short and stout
Hear my people
Scream and shout

I say jump
They ask how high
If they don’t
Then they die

I am the chosen
But not by them
I am the chosen
I tell them when

I’m a little despot
So they say
See my people
Wake up one day

ARE YOU WEARING? # 5

ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY TROUSERS?

Are you wearing baggy trousers?
For any particular reason
They aren’t the height of fashion
They’re not even last season
You think they look “cool”
Whereas they look simply shoddy
I don’t know why you wear them
Unless you have a baggy body

ARE YOU WEARING PERFUME?

Are you wearing perfume?
I can smell it in this room
It’s a very seductive brew
Are you sure its not you?
Then the answer is clear
And your brother has I fear
With out our consent Suzy
Been entertaining a floozy

ARE YOU WEARING PRIMARK PANTS?

Are you wearing Primark pants?
Don’t you think that a little drastic?
You don’t want, on you wedding day
To be let down by cheap elastic

ARE YOU WEARING FLIP FLOPS?

Are you wearing flip flops?
I can’t believe you don’t know
But the garden is under
About four feet of snow

ARE YOU WEARING A THONG?

Are you wearing a thong?
No there’s nothing wrong
It’s just that they do so
Make you look like a sumo

ARE YOU WEARING A NURSE’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a nurse’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The starched apron and the hat
The black stockings and all that
Oh what a feast before my eyes
Come and feel my pulse rate rise
Only you can now tangibly
Cure this poor patient’s malady

ARE YOU WEARING A MOUSTACHE?

Are you wearing a moustache?
And is that a shaving rash?
Well I’m really sorry Ash
But I think I have to dash

ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH MAID’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a French maid’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The little apron and the hat
The black stockings and all that
With all the coyness you can muster
Reach up with your feather duster
On tip toes reach up high
So I can glimpse a bit of thigh
Then come back down to earth
And get to work for all your worth

ARE YOU WEARING A BEARD?

Are you wearing a beard?
Wow that’s really weird
With the way you walk
And on the phone when we talk
Well that has me in a whirl
I thought you were a girl

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE NAILS?

Are you wearing false nails?
Is there really any point?
After all you will just
Bite them down to the joint