A Christmas Selection Box # 1

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 1

Baubles and bells and candle light glows
Bright coloured parcels tied up with bows
Candy and spices and popcorn on strings
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 173

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,
He got stuck, he got stuck;
Coming down the chimney,
Coming down the chimney;
Too much tuck, Too much tuck.

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 1

I dream of Christmas
And hope the snow will fall
I dream of a snowy scene
When Santa comes to call

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – LITTLE DONKEY

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.
- Stuff that cant we get the bus?

SAD CHRISTMAS

There is a pain in my chest
Where my heart used to be
There are tears in my eyes
That are blinding me
Let the season pass
Without my participation
Christmas won't be merry
Is my sad anticipation

CHRISTMAS GATEAU

It is time for me to make
My most special Christmas cake
The only thing you need to start
Is the most joyous open heart
Then add by the pound
All the love that can be found
Delightful festive merriments
And simple humble ingredients
Thankfulness and Gratitude
Lashings of positive attitude
Laced with Christmas cheer
And a cup of Christmas beer
An abundance of good wishes
With lots of hugs and kisses
Not forgetting laughter and fun
Enough to serve everyone
And to complete my Gateau
I garnish with sprigs of mistletoe

MISSING EVERYONE

I miss everyone so much, that I fear
I’ll dampen everyone’s Christmas cheer
Then your emailed movie clip appears
And when I’ve wiped away my misty tears
The long miles seem to disappear
And feel more like you are all near
So I put away my lonely fears
Have another glass that cheers
And I’ll see you all on New Years

I JUST OPENED MY PRESENT

My old aunt just popped round
With a Christmas gift for me
It wasn’t what I was expecting
It was a tweedy dye Mankini

“I hope it’s the one you wanted”
I didn’t know what to say really
I couldn’t understand it
I asked for a CD by Mancini

CHRISTMAS COMPLIMENT

As I was basting the bird
A thought, to me occurred
It was only at this time of peace
That Turkey and Greece,
As with hot fat you smother,
Compliment each other

THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS

Last year at the Christmas fair
I reached for my wallet and it wasn’t there
I was going to report my cards stolen
But I didn’t bother I must declare
As the thieves spent considerably less
Than my extravagant wife Claire
YOU’RE MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL

You’re my Christmas angel
You’re my very own Christmas delight.
Please stay with me tonight

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 6

RAVEN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the raven headed maiden fair
The girl with the flowing black hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of flowing black hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

I HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU

I have a picture of you,
In my wallet,
It’s a little the worse for wear
But I treasure it
I’m sure you’ll remember it
It was on the sea front
That last day I spent with you
I thought it was a happy day
You seemed happy too
I often study that little snap
Looking for any tell tale signs
But if they exist, they evade me
It doesn’t show in your eyes
There’s no hint in your smile
But still you left me

THE FIRST REAL KISS

She leaned her face towards me
Slowly, yet purposefully
And touched my lips gently with hers
For just the merest moment
A single spinetingling moment
Then she stopped
And pulled her head away
Looking deep into my eyes
With a commanding gaze
Which demanded loudly
That I should reciprocate
I wrapped my arms around her waist
Pulling her close to me.
When our lips met this time
They parted on contact
And our tongues flicked
Vigourously exploring each others mouths
It was my first real kiss
And what a kiss it was
A toe curling
Nerve tingling
Sweet moment of bliss

WHITE AS LILY

Full moon, white as Lily
how you do pluck at the strings
of young lovers hearts

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 5

GOLDEN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the golden headed maiden fair
The girl with the dazzling yellow hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of dazzling yellow hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

OUR LOVE IS OLD

Our love is old,
Our love is true,
When we’re apart
Our hearts are blue
I love you madly
And you love me too

YOUR TENDER TOUCH

Your tender touch
Meant so much
I miss your touch
A touch too much
Your tender touch
That was nonesuch

I STOP, I REMINISCE

I stop, I reminisce
That perfect time I miss
A smile, a look, a kiss
A moment of bliss
Sweet reminisce

PARAMOUR IN THE WINGS

Paramour in the wings
Mistress in waiting
The smitten kitten
With the concubine heart

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 4

CHESTNUT HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the chestnut headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning brown hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of shinning brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM

How eagerly I await the night
When I can drift through
The curtain of sleep,
Into the dreamlands
Where sweet maidens await
With smiles of seduction,
Sweet tender caresses
And whispered words of love
Until I am torn away
Into the waking hour

THE LIGHT OF LOVE

I want to stir the slumber
Of your lonesome heart
And shine a loving light
Into the corners of the dark

THE DAWN OF DREAMS

Heralding the dawn,
The first fingers of light
Steal in through the glass
Penetrating the gloom
Waking me from my slumber
And stirring me from my dreams
Which but a moment ago
Were vividly real and tangible
Yet now are only half remembered things
Drifting away like mist on the breeze

BENIGN SPIRIT

Let me surround you
Like a benign spirit
Comforting and protecting
Let me envelope you like a cloak of love
Wrapping you in a goose down quilt
To warm your soul from winters grip
Let me nourish and nurture
And blow gently on the embers of love
In your sad and lonely heart

HUMEROUS POEMS # 3

IT’S A BLESSED MIRACLE

It’s a blessed miracle
I've been in love with the same woman
For more than fifty years!
It’s a greater miracle
That my wife has never found out,
If she did it would end in tears

RUDELY AWAKENED

I leapt up out of bed,
And I opened the door
In my pyjamas,
Wow I’d not noticed it before
What a very odd place
For there to be a door

A REAL HUMDINGER

A man made a boast
It was a real humdinger
“I can turn this duck
Into a soul singer”

He repeated his boast
Despite being mocked
And made a wager
That left them shocked

They took the bet
That was a real humdinger
To see him turn a duck
Into a soul singer

He said as he took the duck
That he called Mr Smithers
“Now I’ll put it in the microwave
Until its bill withers”

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 3

Mono browed women with un-waxed moustaches
Wearing tight leggings too small for their asses
Fat sausage fingers and huge bingo wings
These are a few of my least favourite things

THREE LITTLE FISHES

Three fish in a tank,
One says to the other ones
I'll drive the thing
If you two man the guns

A WEASEL AND A STOAT?

What's the difference between
A weasel and a stoat?
They can both be used
To make a fine coat
So that’s not the answer
Well no need to lament
One's weasily recognized
The other stoatly different.

EIN GANG

Just a little heads up
When everything's coming your way,
Don’t get too cocky
You’re just in the wrong lane. Ok?

FURRY, FURRY DICE

Furry, furry dice
Nodding dogs that nod all day
Look out on the motorway
With eyes that know the despair in my soul.
Hold-ups on the hills,
Stretched for miles like bitter pills
Take a break because tiredness kills
The signs say all across this land

To the tune of Vincent by Don McClean

PUT DOWN # 47

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Wow that dress looks good on you
But it would look even better on my bedroom floor”
Just thank him and say “No problem,
I’ll send it to you when I don’t wear it anymore”

I LOST MY JOB TODAY

I lost my job today, I was sacked
My boss finally drove me to the brink
So I said “Shhh, just listen to the sound
Of nobody caring what you think”

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 3

MOUSY HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the mousy headed maiden fair
The girl with the dirty-blonde hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of dirty-blonde hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

NOT VIRGINIA PLAIN

Her hair was red
Of russet tones
Like autumn leaves
Its cascading flow
Framed her face
And beauty shone forth
Its skins purity,
Rich as parchment,
Soft as silk,
Radiated her beauty
Her hypnotic eyes
Were startlingly blue,
With gem stone clarity
And held laughter in them
Her nose was small, delicate
Her lips were thin
But a smile of sweet remembrance
Constantly played about them

A COPPER CASCADE

Her crowning glory
Of cascading copper
Pours like molten rust
Onto the pure and unblemished
Milk white skin
Of her neck and shoulders
How I envy each burnished strand
Spilling onto her alabaster skin
Touching where my lips may not

WHAT RICH TAPESTRY

What rich tapestry
Has nature weaved,
This thing of beauty
Crafted by artisan hand
Each stitch and thread,
Singularly ambiguous,
Contributes to the whole
And into this creation
Life was breathed
And light was shone
And there you stand

A ROSE

I thought you pretty as a Rose
A sweet scented beauty
So I gave to you my heart
But you left it broken
And it now lies dying
On a Rose’s bloodied thorns

ARE YOU WEARING?

ARE YOU WEARING A CORSET?

Are you wearing a corset?
All whalebone and string
A beautiful thing to behold
A lustfully sexy thing
Pulling you in at the waist
And redistributing everything
A little discomfort for you
In the whalebone and string
But it’s a small price to pay
For the joy it will bring

ARE YOU WEARING A GIRDLE?

Are you wearing a girdle?
That’s a problem Mrs Spurdle,
Not an insurmountable hurdle
But due to the snugness of the fit
Prising all of you, out of, all of it
Might slow me down a bit

ARE YOU WEARING A WONDER BRA?

Are you wearing a wonder bra?
I think you almost certainly are
If you’re not I’ll eat my cigar
Because nature isn’t that bizarre
And doesn’t push them up that far

ARE YOU WEARING A BRASSIERE?

Are you wearing a brassiere?
You seem to have a pretty pair
Though I don’t think you’re being fair
Because I know you don’t I Clair
And I must honestly declare
To have spent some time up there
And if it’s not a padded brassier
You’ve got a pair of socks up there