HEALTHY HUMOUR

GOOD HEALTH WARNING

In regard to the state of good health
The fact that you cannot deny
Good health is just the slowest speed
At which we will eventually die

DOCTOR FRANK

My doctor was very frank
When discussing my fitness
He said to me without humour
“What fits your busy schedule best?
Exercising for one hour each day, or
Being dead for twenty four”

TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS

I’ve just got back from Spain
Where I was taken queer
And not understanding a foreign quack
Was my biggest fear

Well when we got to his gaff
You’ll never guess what I saw
“English speaking Doctor”
Written large upon the door

I thought what a good idea
A real turn up I would say
Then I got to wonder why
We don’t have them in the UK


GARNISHING

If you put a tomato
On top of your knickerbocker glory
Instead of a cherry
It counts as a salad; well that’s my story

DOCTOR BLUNT

My doctor was very unfair
He said that the handle on my reclining chair
And my TV remote control device
Are not sufficient forms of exercise

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the first week
I am watching sport on TV

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the second week
I’ve begun to do a little more
I’ve started driving past
A sporting goods store

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
But by the third week
It started to get hard
As that’s when I started trying
To put on the leotard

THE PILSBURY PHILOSOPHY

Isn’t life strange?
And it can be quite a dilemma
And occasionally unfair
i.e. The healthiest part of a doughnut
Is the hole, unfortunately
You have to eat through the rest to get there

DEADLY HYMENOPTERA

Insects are dangerous
I thought you should know
Some kill you quick
Some kill you slow

Some poison the blood
In your arteries
Yes I’m talking about
The hepatitis bee

DEADLY RECREATION

Don’t go swimming
When the red flags fly
Don’t go in the water
When the waves are high

Don’t go swimming
If it’s too risky
And don’t even dip a toe in
The hepatitis sea

DOCTOR SHARP

I went to see the doctor
With fluid on the knee
And do you know what he said?
“Take better aim when you pee”

A FARE HEARING

My friend just returned from America
Where he had under gone surgery
To have a hearing aid implant fitted
And he was telling me about it excitedly

He said it was space age, state of the art
Twenty thousand dollars and worth every dime
I asked about the battery, “What type is it”?
He said I think it’s a little after nine

ANAPHYLAXIS

I had to go to the hospital today
After I had been stung by a bee
And my head really swelled up
But the doctors said not to worry
It was just caused by anaphylaxis
Which I have to say surprised me
Because I went to school with her
And I thought she really liked me

MANNOGRAM

A mannogram is a new test
And is the most effective way
Of detecting if a man has a heart
So get yours checked out today

FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS

Plastic surgeons have the expertise
To enhance breasts into a feature
But disproportionate enhancement
Makes for an odd looking creature

NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED

Now I’ve had my sight restored
Thanks to the surgeons prescision
I finally appreciate the worth
Of TV in High Definition
After spending so many years
Watching TV in Monet vision

ATTRACTION

I’m overweight I know
But it’s not my fault though
It’s because of the surgeries
Replacing my hips and knees
It’s the fridge magnets you see
They keep attracting me

THE USES OF GOOSES

THE USES OF GOOSES # 01

One use of a goose
Is as a guard goose
As part of their charm
They give the alarm
However guard geese
Aren’t easy to cease

THE USES OF GOOSES # 02

Be warned about the use of a goose
If well roasted in goose grease
You will have cooked your goose
And caused a decrease in your geese

WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON?

WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 01

Why do I love you hon?
Because you don’t know the answer
To your own question
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 02

Why do I love you hon?
I love you most because you
Don’t realize why I do
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 03

Why do I love you hon?
Because you feel fortunate
That I’m in love with you

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 01

The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
You get from taking a pee

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 02

The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
Of letting your wind go free

VEGETUS

VEGETUS # 01

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Is that something you have done?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Though I couldn’t eat a whole one

VEGETUS # 02

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Have you done that, do you reckon?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Tell me do they taste like chick’n

ICE CREAM PARLOUR

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 01

I went to the ice cream parlour
At one of our seaside resorts
And I wanted an ice cream
But, well, there were allsorts
“Knickerbocker glory sir?”
The ice cream mans retorts
“Yes I do enjoy a certain amount
Of freedom in these shorts”

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 02

I went to the ice cream parlour
And ordered an ice cream sundae
“Hundreds & thousands?” he asked
“No I’ll just have the one for today”

NHS CUT BACKS

NHS CUT BACKS # 1

The NHS has plans to save money
As they are strapped for cash
The plans have got up the Allergists noses
And Dermatologists think them rash

NHS CUT BACKS # 2

The NHS has plans to save money
And there has been opposition all right
But the Gastroenterologists
Don’t have the stomach for a fight

NHS CUT BACKS # 3

The NHS has plans to save money
And many are opposed to the suggestion
The Obstetricians feel that the government
Are labouring under a misconception

NHS CUT BACKS # 4

The NHS has plans to save money
Which ENT consultants won’t follow
They won’t hear of budget cuts
They think the plans quite shallow
Which have got up there noses
And they find them hard to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 5

The NHS has plans to save money
Which some seem to accept, though
Cardiologists for example
Don’t have the heart to say no

NHS CUT BACKS # 6

The NHS has plans to save money
Which Pharmacologists won’t follow
Because they feel the cuts
Are simply a bitter pill to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 7

The NHS has plans to save money
But they plans maybe hard to pass
The Proctologists have responded
By telling them to stick them up their arse

NHS CUT BACKS # 8

The NHS has plans to save money
Paediatricians think them too tough
But there complaints have been rejected
As they are not considered grown up enough

NHS CUT BACKS # 9

The NHS has plans to save money
But it is unclear who will oppose the plans
Radiologists can see through them
But the Surgeons just washed their hands
Hospital managers had a meeting and claimed
It will be a steep learning curve
While the Urologists wet themselves.
And the Neurologists lost their nerve

NHS CUT BACKS # 10

The NHS has plans to save money
Which may leave the institution blighted
Audiologists haven’t heard a thing
And Ophthalmologists think them short sighted
Plastic Surgeons are being two faced
But Pathologists are dead against change
Podiatrists think them a step backwards
While Psychiatrists think them deranged