THE USES OF GOOSES

THE USES OF GOOSES # 01

One use of a goose
Is as a guard goose
As part of their charm
They give the alarm
However guard geese
Aren’t easy to cease

THE USES OF GOOSES # 02

Be warned about the use of a goose
If well roasted in goose grease
You will have cooked your goose
And caused a decrease in your geese

WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON?

WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 01

Why do I love you hon?
Because you don’t know the answer
To your own question
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 02

Why do I love you hon?
I love you most because you
Don’t realize why I do
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 03

Why do I love you hon?
Because you feel fortunate
That I’m in love with you

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 01

The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
You get from taking a pee

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 02

The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
Of letting your wind go free

VEGETUS

VEGETUS # 01

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Is that something you have done?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Though I couldn’t eat a whole one

VEGETUS # 02

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Have you done that, do you reckon?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Tell me do they taste like chick’n

ICE CREAM PARLOUR

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 01

I went to the ice cream parlour
At one of our seaside resorts
And I wanted an ice cream
But, well, there were allsorts
“Knickerbocker glory sir?”
The ice cream mans retorts
“Yes I do enjoy a certain amount
Of freedom in these shorts”

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 02

I went to the ice cream parlour
And ordered an ice cream sundae
“Hundreds & thousands?” he asked
“No I’ll just have the one for today”

NHS CUT BACKS

NHS CUT BACKS # 1

The NHS has plans to save money
As they are strapped for cash
The plans have got up the Allergists noses
And Dermatologists think them rash

NHS CUT BACKS # 2

The NHS has plans to save money
And there has been opposition all right
But the Gastroenterologists
Don’t have the stomach for a fight

NHS CUT BACKS # 3

The NHS has plans to save money
And many are opposed to the suggestion
The Obstetricians feel that the government
Are labouring under a misconception

NHS CUT BACKS # 4

The NHS has plans to save money
Which ENT consultants won’t follow
They won’t hear of budget cuts
They think the plans quite shallow
Which have got up there noses
And they find them hard to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 5

The NHS has plans to save money
Which some seem to accept, though
Cardiologists for example
Don’t have the heart to say no

NHS CUT BACKS # 6

The NHS has plans to save money
Which Pharmacologists won’t follow
Because they feel the cuts
Are simply a bitter pill to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 7

The NHS has plans to save money
But they plans maybe hard to pass
The Proctologists have responded
By telling them to stick them up their arse

NHS CUT BACKS # 8

The NHS has plans to save money
Paediatricians think them too tough
But there complaints have been rejected
As they are not considered grown up enough

NHS CUT BACKS # 9

The NHS has plans to save money
But it is unclear who will oppose the plans
Radiologists can see through them
But the Surgeons just washed their hands
Hospital managers had a meeting and claimed
It will be a steep learning curve
While the Urologists wet themselves.
And the Neurologists lost their nerve

NHS CUT BACKS # 10

The NHS has plans to save money
Which may leave the institution blighted
Audiologists haven’t heard a thing
And Ophthalmologists think them short sighted
Plastic Surgeons are being two faced
But Pathologists are dead against change
Podiatrists think them a step backwards
While Psychiatrists think them deranged

NONSENSICAL EPISODE

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 1

Living life in cartoons
A happy life in Looney tunes
Incomprehensible croons
Beneath silvery moons
Shooting at pink balloons
With captain Ahab’s harpoons
Spending Sunday afternoons
Chatting with baboons
Playing cricket in the dunes
With chipmunks and raccoons
Eating out of date prunes
With runsible spoons

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 2

I see Dogs in clogs
Cats in spats
Goats in coats
Flies in ties
Llamas in pyjamas
I think I drink
Too much caffeine

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 3

When I close my eyes
I see Lasses in glasses
Tarts in carts
Girls in pearls
Flirts in skirts
Fillies in frillies
Girls in curls
Chics in nix
God I really need sex

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 4

I see birds in herds
Freaks with beaks
Tykes on bikes
Mancs in tanks
Bowsers in trousers
Paedo’s in speedos
Perverts in skirts
Streakers in sneakers
Coppers in toppers
Scouses in blouses
Weirdo’s in hairdos
And I ask myself
What was in that roll up?