THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 01

The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
You get from taking a pee

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 02

The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
Of letting your wind go free

VEGETUS

VEGETUS # 01

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Is that something you have done?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Though I couldn’t eat a whole one

VEGETUS # 02

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Have you done that, do you reckon?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Tell me do they taste like chick’n

ICE CREAM PARLOUR

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 01

I went to the ice cream parlour
At one of our seaside resorts
And I wanted an ice cream
But, well, there were allsorts
“Knickerbocker glory sir?”
The ice cream mans retorts
“Yes I do enjoy a certain amount
Of freedom in these shorts”

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 02

I went to the ice cream parlour
And ordered an ice cream sundae
“Hundreds & thousands?” he asked
“No I’ll just have the one for today”

NHS CUT BACKS

NHS CUT BACKS # 1

The NHS has plans to save money
As they are strapped for cash
The plans have got up the Allergists noses
And Dermatologists think them rash

NHS CUT BACKS # 2

The NHS has plans to save money
And there has been opposition all right
But the Gastroenterologists
Don’t have the stomach for a fight

NHS CUT BACKS # 3

The NHS has plans to save money
And many are opposed to the suggestion
The Obstetricians feel that the government
Are labouring under a misconception

NHS CUT BACKS # 4

The NHS has plans to save money
Which ENT consultants won’t follow
They won’t hear of budget cuts
They think the plans quite shallow
Which have got up there noses
And they find them hard to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 5

The NHS has plans to save money
Which some seem to accept, though
Cardiologists for example
Don’t have the heart to say no

NHS CUT BACKS # 6

The NHS has plans to save money
Which Pharmacologists won’t follow
Because they feel the cuts
Are simply a bitter pill to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 7

The NHS has plans to save money
But they plans maybe hard to pass
The Proctologists have responded
By telling them to stick them up their arse

NHS CUT BACKS # 8

The NHS has plans to save money
Paediatricians think them too tough
But there complaints have been rejected
As they are not considered grown up enough

NHS CUT BACKS # 9

The NHS has plans to save money
But it is unclear who will oppose the plans
Radiologists can see through them
But the Surgeons just washed their hands
Hospital managers had a meeting and claimed
It will be a steep learning curve
While the Urologists wet themselves.
And the Neurologists lost their nerve

NHS CUT BACKS # 10

The NHS has plans to save money
Which may leave the institution blighted
Audiologists haven’t heard a thing
And Ophthalmologists think them short sighted
Plastic Surgeons are being two faced
But Pathologists are dead against change
Podiatrists think them a step backwards
While Psychiatrists think them deranged

NONSENSICAL EPISODE

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 1

Living life in cartoons
A happy life in Looney tunes
Incomprehensible croons
Beneath silvery moons
Shooting at pink balloons
With captain Ahab’s harpoons
Spending Sunday afternoons
Chatting with baboons
Playing cricket in the dunes
With chipmunks and raccoons
Eating out of date prunes
With runsible spoons

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 2

I see Dogs in clogs
Cats in spats
Goats in coats
Flies in ties
Llamas in pyjamas
I think I drink
Too much caffeine

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 3

When I close my eyes
I see Lasses in glasses
Tarts in carts
Girls in pearls
Flirts in skirts
Fillies in frillies
Girls in curls
Chics in nix
God I really need sex

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 4

I see birds in herds
Freaks with beaks
Tykes on bikes
Mancs in tanks
Bowsers in trousers
Paedo’s in speedos
Perverts in skirts
Streakers in sneakers
Coppers in toppers
Scouses in blouses
Weirdo’s in hairdos
And I ask myself
What was in that roll up?

I KISSED A GIRL

I KISSED A GIRL # 1

I kissed a girl,
A very friendly sort
While I was staying
At a seaside resort

One kiss led to another
One kiss led to the other
And one kiss led to her
Becoming a mother

I KISSED A GIRL # 2

I kissed the girl
On an aeroplane
And on the airport bus
I kissed her once again

I kissed a girl
That I met in Spain
We met later that day
And we kissed again

I kissed the girl
With the long white train
And at the alter
I kissed her once again

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 11

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 11

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love tarty Marti
And svelter Delta
Sloppy Poppy
And vulgar Olga

I love baddy Maddie
And angrier Andrea
Clean Jean
And fairer Farah

I love scorer Pandora
And messy Bessie
Gaudy Maudie
And sassie Cassie

I love a damp vamp
To tell the truth
Or Horny Dawny
And uncouth Ruth

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 12

I do have a favourite;
I like them with a predisposition
Basically I like them dirty
And prepared for any position

I love Commando Jo
And nudie Trudy
Above the knee Fi
And rudie Judy

I love on her back Jack
The leerer Vera
Back alley Sally
And in the rear Greer

I love fellatia Felicia
The giver of head
Pork me Courtney
And three in a bed Winifred

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 13

I do have a favourite;
I like them with a predisposition
Basically I like them dirty
And prepared for any position

I love feelier Ophelia
And mauler Paula
Dirty Gertie
And pawer Dora

I love Harlot Charlotte
And Spanky Frankie
Molester Ester
And first in Kirsten

I love envelopy Penelope
Then get free again
For a crumpet strumpet
And game whatsaname

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 14

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love square Clair
And plane Jayne
Prettier Leticia
And vane Lorraine

I love Slinky Pinky
And Bipolar Lola
Jammy Sami
And Tequila Sheila

I love Thirsty Kirstie
And Cabana Lana
Caffeine Kristine
And Marijuana Adriana

I love never fail Abigail
One of many Penny
Can’t fool her Tallulah
And spend a penny Jenny

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 15

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love warmer Norma
And chilly Millie
Brahma Alma
And misty Kristi

I love diva Riva
And the miser Eliza
Expressly Leslie
And viler Isla

I love sweet Reet
And henna Sienna
Bonny Bonnie
And better Henrietta

I love crabby Gabby
And flabby Abi
Tabby Abi
And shabby Tabbi

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 16

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love ballerina Katrina
And piston Kristen
Rave Maive
And oblivion Vivian

I love slasher Sasha
And gaily Kayleigh
Greener Meena
And trophy Sophie

I love Christian Christine
And the mystical Zen Jen
Pegan Megan
And Zen Jen once again

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 17

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love bilious Phileas
And slow Mo
Jail bait Kate
And here we go Jo

I love Havana Savannah
And felony Melanie
Gonna Donna
And orally Laura-Lee

I love sillieth Lilleth
And Soya Moiré
Sillier Delia
And coyer Toya

I love brash Tash
And swell Gabrielle
Coarser Porsche
And go to hell Mel

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 18

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love TaTa Tara
And poor Dorr
Trim Miriam
And say more Gaynor

I love stiff Steph
And better Greta
Madeira Vera
And skeleta Nicolleta

I love Pizzeria Pia
And green Jean
World Wide Web Deb
And Chlorine Maureen

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 19

I do have a favourite;
I like them with a similar name
Basically I have a bad memory
So the names should sound the same

Like Rosita, Lolita
Sita, Rita or Nikita
Anita, Margarita
Benita, Nita or Greta

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 20

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love Chaise Blaise
And Bombay Rene
Pulsy Dulcie
And Crochet Fay

I love Gray Kay
And shorn Fawn
Blue Pru
And forlorn Dawn

I love Taxi Maxi
And Swish Trish
Victorian Dorian
And Swiss Bliss