NOT FADE AWAY

Big man
Strong man
Barrel chested
Smiling faced
Hearty man
Where have you gone?
I watched you get into that bed
A few short weeks ago
But you have disappeared
And I don’t know when you went

Your laughter was first to go
That fruity chuckle
That warmed and cheered
Fell silent first
Then your conversation
Once a source of knowledge
Wisdom and sardonic wit
Dried up like a drought stricken lake
Your sentences grew shorter
Disjointed and inarticulate
Until they were no more

Then you began to fade
Like a picture going out of focus
When you opened your eyes
And I looked in them
I saw no one looking back
The spark had gone
You had gone
When had you gone?
We didn’t say goodbye

As I looked at the withering shell
In its unconscious state
I heard the groans, as the pain cut deep
Through the morphine
In the slow agonizing transition
From man to corpse
I cannot pick the moment
At which you were no more
But it was days before rather than hours
When the essential you left
When that which made you, you, was no more
I hoped you were not in there
Suffering
Dying by inches
God I hoped not

What savages we are
To inflict this end on a human being
We would not do it to our favourite pet
We would not treat a dog like this
Yet I let it happen to this man
What indignity
What inhumanity
What kind of son am I?

I will not go this way
I will not fade away
I will not vanish
Before my loved ones eyes
I will say my goodbyes
I will smile before I go
I will go on my termsI will go by my own hand