A Humourous Selection # 23

I ASKED MY GRANDDAUGHTER

I asked my granddaughter
If she was sexually active
It was a natural question
She’s very attractive
Then I asked, “Do you use protection”
This didn’t embarrass her
“Of course grandma
We use the bus shelter”

IT’S POSSESSED

My Sky Box is on the blink
It’s possessed, I'm in no doubt
It records all the programs I don't like
And plays them back when I’m out

EQUINE DEMOCRACY

They were voting in the House
On a Bill that had Parliament split
It was to give horses the right to vote
In the end the neighs had it

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN INTO THE OCCULT

I have always been into the occult
I think the spirits interest me the most
So the Paralympics disappointed me
Because I didn’t see a single ghost

I WAS LYING IN BED

I was lying in bed
With my new Thai bride
Who slowly toyed with
My tool with pride
“You must like holding it?
Do you think its fun?
It’s all that you’ve done”
My bride said, “I’m just remembering
When I still had one”

WHEN A CHAVVY GIRL

When a chavvy girl
Beams with pride
Wearing a white tracksuit
She must be the bride

RADIO SILENCE

The two girls are in a car
Driving along
Without any music
Now that sounds wrong
But who is driving?
Peaches or Bimbette
Well actually the driver
Is Constable Brett

OVER ENGINEERED

Every time I start my car
A light glows on the dash
Reminding me
To release the handbrake
Then a light flashes
And a warning bleeps
Telling me to buckle up
When I actually start to move
An arrow appears
Telling me to change gears
Then it dawns on me
What has occurred.
Automotive engineers
After a century of expertise
Have managed to build a woman
Inside every car

THE EXIT STRATEGY

The national anthem played at the end
Of a night at the cinema, in my youth .
It was the prelude of a very quick exit
I always joined the rush to tell the truth

That doesn’t happen anymore
Probable for the best I would have said
Now at some of the large prestige events
They use Paul McCartney instead

EVERYTHING IN THE GARDEN

Everything in the garden
Would be rosy, I would say
If it wasn’t for the fact
That life keeps getting in the way.

FAST FOOD

There are so many folk at the pie shop
Who have trouble with their legs
And need to ride little scooters
So why not open a drive thru Greggs

MY COUSIN IS A CHAV

My cousin is a Chav
And at the age of twenty seven
Is known to the family
As Granny Helen