Assorted Humour

WORKING LATES AND EARLIES

Why is it that the boss
Is in the office bright and early
Only on those particular days
When the rest of us are tardy
But is noticeably late
On the days that we are early

PUT DOWN # 3

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Haven't I seen you some place before”?
Just say clearly to him
“Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore”

PUT DOWN # 4

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you “I'm a photographer
I've been looking for a face like yours.”
Just reply “I'm a plastic surgeon
I've been looking for a face like yours.”

PUT DOWN # 5

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Didn't we go on a date once?
Or was it twice?”
Just reply “Must've been once.
I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice”

SMART CAR OWNER

Just remember the next time
You’re stuck in the snow and slush
That size really does matter
So never buy a car you can't push.

PUT DOWN # 6

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “I believe in equality
So you can ask ME out” Just reply to him sweetly
“Well if you insist, Get out”.

PUT DOWN # 7

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“Can I buy you a drink, honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'd rather have the money”.

CLUNK CLICK

Clunk click every trip
Is the advice of the boffins
Because your seat belt is never
As confining as your coffin
CALL ME EPPING

They call me Epping
Coz I’m not the full shilling
They call me Epping
Coz I’m just past Barking

THE FOURTH

The fourth of July in the USA
Is that nations independence day
When they celebrate with a holiday
In England we look across the pond
At a nation of whom we are truly fond
Indeed we feel we have a special bond
From when they won their independence
We’ve watched like anxious parents
And they’ve done quite well since

SENIOR TRIP
I tripped and fell
In my house today
I wasn’t hurt
But as on the floor I lay
I wondered to myself
In that senior way
Was there any task to do
As I’m down here anyway

FIRST GOD CREATED ADAM

First God created Adam
Then from Adams rib, created Eve
But why did God make man first
Why was a woman, not first conceived?
Well if the truth be told
God created Adam first you see
As you must have a rough draft
Before making the final copy

SENIOR SENSATION

When I was young
I loved the roller coaster
The thrill and sensation
Nothing could compare
Now I’m getting old
With my salt and pepper hair
I get the same sensation
From my rocking chair

WOW GRAN

A teenage boy walks in the room
And asks his granny
"Have you seen my pills?
They were labeled LSD"
She looks at him and smiles
"Fuck the pills” Says she
“What about the dragon
Sat on the settee"

HEAD OF YEAR

In the fifties
My greatest fear
Was being called to see the headmaster
Now I’m in my fifties
My greatest fear
Is having to call the headmaster

SENIOR SYSTEMS

In the sixties
We all thought screw the system
Now we’re in our sixties
We all have to upgrade the system

EVERGREEN

In my youth
I was often heard to say
“Whatever”
Now I’m a senior
I’m more likely to say
“If ever”

HAIR CHOO

I’ve learned a valuable lesson
Which almost cost me an ear
What ever you do don't sneeze
When someone is cutting your hair

BIRDS

The world over the bird of peace
Is regarded to be the dove,
And there are many contenders
For the bird representing true love
However on Friday and Saturday nights
Among the inebriated and the shallow
The bird that represents true love
Is regarded to be the swallow

LOVE MAKER

In my long life
I have found this to be true
It is impossible
To make someone love you

You have to accept this
Or adopt a different spin
By stalking them until they panic
And they finally give in

GROWING UP

I hate to shatter your elusions
Misconceptions or delusions
But in no way shape or form
Does the fact you have the horn
A stiffy, an erection or both
Count as personal growth

DON’T BRING LULU

In the roaring twenties
Lulu was a flapper
And was often seen
With the soave and the dapper
Now if she lived today
In the days of the rapper
When those who think bling
Is really quite the thing
That makes them cool
Today’s equivalent to dapper
She would be there
Lulu the modern flapper
At all the in places
But she’d be thought of as a slapper

CHOCO MAN

I have had my fill of men
Who are second rate
If only they were as satisfying
As a bar of chocolate

IT WASN’T ME

Everybody is responsible
Never mind what nanny state says
For their own actions
That’s the way it is
We are all responsible for what we do Except of course for celebrities

BI THE WAY

Just remember when on the prowl
For liaisons casual
Your chances are immediately doubled
If you are bisexual

OLD BUZZARD

I have come to the conclusion
Which is quite worrying
That although my sex life isn’t dead
The buzzards are definitely circling

FUN GUY OR FUNGI

In my long life
I have found this to be true
Ex husbands are like thrush
They keep coming back to you

GO SOUTH

Now I’m getting on
The time has come
As winter approaches
To head towards the sun

To head south for the winter
Like the ducks before me
But it’s with regret I have to say
Some of me is headed there already

COLD SHOULDER

Always remember
You should never go to bed
On a cross word
After angry things are said
It’s more sensible
Not to go to bed angry, when
You can stay up
And calmly plot your revenge

BODY IMAGE

I am not perfect
My figure is not the best
Some bits I really hate
But I do quite like my breasts
I have flabby thighs,
Which I would happily condemn
But fortunately my stomachObscures the view of them

EARLY RISER

When I do my exercise
I do it early in the morning
Before my brain works out
What my bodies doing
HEALTHIER LIFE

The recipe for a healthier life
Is to be a regular exerciser
This is the current advice
Of every medical practitioner
But exercising every day
Just means that you die healthier
FASHION POLICE

After years of fret and worry
About what I should be wearing
And the pressures of looking good
I have decided there’s no point in caring

All the advice from fashion gurus
Do wear this don’t wear that
Choosing clothes which flatter
Avoid things that make me look fat

After all the fashion tips I’ve had
I’ve decided that enough is enough
I’ve realized it’s not what you wear
But rather it’s how you take it off

MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS # 1

I've noticed that there is a fine line
Between genius and insanity
And also that artificial intelligence
Is no match for natural stupidity

MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS # 2

I've learned that I don't suffer
From insanity, I enjoy it
And perhaps not surprisingly
No body actually gives a shit

CULTURE VULTURE

Isn’t culture wonderful?
Music, theatre, poetry
Something for everyone
To feel or hear or see
The performing arts
I particularly like poetry
Especially poetry readings
With the writer at the mic
I go to festivals and slams
From time to time
I like to go to a recital
And ask why the poem doesn't rhyme

UNCONTROLLABLE

It is impossible for a man
To control his wife
It just doesn’t happen
In this modern life
But it is possible for a man
To control a wife
But that man must however
Lead a bachelor life

DRINK DRIVING

His wife is driving him to drink
My best friend told me when we talked
I told him he was very lucky
Because my wife makes me walk

BIRTHDAY BLUES

Is another birthday looming?
Is another milestone coming into view?
Well don’t fret about it
Behind the clouds it’s always blue
Birthdays are a good thing
Even the milestone years too
The more you have, the longer you live So birthdays are good for you

THANKS MUM

From a very early age
I was told by my mother
“Your sole purpose in life
Is to serve as a warning to others”

GETTING THE BOOTS

Bimbette was fired from her job
At the local pharmacy
The reason for her dismissal
With which she did not agree

Was For failing to print labels
For the prescription medicines
Which she vehemently denied
And would fight by any means

Her claim for wrongful dismissal
However she was not a winner
As her defence, was that the bottles
Would not fit into the printer
PUZZLED GIRLS

Bimbette and peaches
Finished a jigsaw
And got really excited
And they danced around the floor

It had only taken six months
Hence the dance and cheers
On the box it clearly read
"2-4 years!"

BLONDSKI

Bimbette always wanted to go water skiing
And desperately wanted to fulfill her hope
But despite an lengthy and extensive search
She was unable to find a Lake with a slope.

SEX TOY

In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car

NOT BEING PREVIOUS

For those who don’t believe
In sex before marriage
Those who want the horse
Before the carriage
I should point out
It isn't premarital sex per se”
If there is no intention
Of having a wedding day

ONE GOOD TURN

One good turn deserves another
I think that’s what they say
But I’ve learned that one good turn
Gets most of the duvet

OLD AGE IS A STATE OF MIND

Old age is a state of mind
Don’t be miserable about it
You don’t need to get uptight
Or have a hissy fit

You can still have fun
Don’t let your heart get cold
You don’t stop laughing
Just because you get old

It’s the other way round
You daft old thing
The reason you get old
Is because you stop laughing

BLONDE EMERGENCY

There was an emergency
And poor Bimbette was all-alone
She had to call the operator because
There was no "eleven" on her phone
OLD JOKE

The unfortunate truth is sadly
That growing older is mandatorybut what is also true for allis that growing up is optionaland the most important tip or trickis laughing at yourself is therapeutic

SEX WITHOUT LOVE

Sex without love
Is a meaningless experience you know
I think you’ll agree
But as meaningless experiences go
Sex without love
Is pretty bloody marvelous though

SEX IS

Sex is the most natural
Sex is the most wonderful
Sex is the most wholesome
Sex is the most awesome
Sex is the most special
Sex is the most beautiful
That money can buy
For any girl or guy

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN

What do you call an intelligent,
Good looking and sensitive man?
The most obvious answer would be
Call him whenever you can
But this question is more to do with humour
Because this man is gay or just a rumour

KEEPING HER HAPPY

Sam and Carol are in bed
Just about to do the do
When Sam says to Carol
"I am going to make you
The happiest woman in the world." Carol replied, “I’ll miss you”
PUTTING YOUR FOOT IN IT

If you have occasion to
Put your foot in your mouth
Make sure you only put one size ten
In your north and south
Never ever should you put
Both feet in your mouth
Never put both size tens
In your north and south
Because with that act of madness done
You won't have a leg to stand on
CHERIO CHILDHOOD

When I was a kid
I was fussy about breakfast cereal
But only because
I had to have one with the collectible
Now I’m older
Choosing cereal holds less joy
As I must have one with fibre
Instead of one with a toy

IT DOESN’T MATTER

It doesn’t matter
How much I care
It doesn’t matter
How much I dare
It doesn’t matter
How much I share
It doesn’t matter
How much soul I bare
I have come to realize
No matter how I play my cards
Some people are just
Total bastards

THE BEST ONES

The people most important to you
The ones you care about and love
Are taken from you all too soon
Taken from us to heaven above

And all the people you don’t care about
Just never seem to go away
And those whom you positively hate
Seem to be permanently in the way

FUDGE

Fudge could be a metaphor
For the family
A confection which
Describes it neatly
An occasional fruit
But just sweet mostly
And assorted nuts
Completes the fudge family

THE MIGHTY OAK

The mighty oak
Is a universal symbol
A Representing of strengthboth solid and dependable

The mighty oak
That stands today
Is simply a nut
That held its ground one yesterday

MAXIMS INCOMPLETE
Women, you can’t live with them
All's well that ends
A penny saved is a penny.
Don't leave things unfinishe
What goes up
If it aint broke don’t
A bird in the hand is
Never do today

THE BLACK DOG

For years I have suffered
At the hands of depression
I’m not alone in my suffering
Many others have this affliction
Winston Churchill had a name for it
“Black dog” he named his miasm
I’ve come to think of mine
As anger without enthusiasm

IN GOD WE TRUST

Have faith
In the being from afar
Trust in God
But lock your car.

ROYAL NAMES

If the royal family
Want respect from society
And to keep their number
Free from notoriety
It might have helped
To avoid behavior that scandalizes
And also not to have named the kids
After public houses

TALKING HUSBAND

When you marry
Chose a man that you,
Love to talk to
For these conversational skills
As you get older
Will be as important as any other.

ONCE UPON A TIME

Once upon a time
One day long, long ago,
There lived a woman who you will not know
A remarkable woman
No man has ever known
Who did not whine, nag, bitch or moan
But this was a long, long ago And it was just ONE dayAnd that’s all this fairy tale has to say


HEALTH CLUB WARNING

I joined a health club last year
It cost two hundred pounds so quite dear
I haven’t lost a single pound
So as an investment not very sound
But it wasn’t their fault to be fare
Because apparently you have to go there
EXERCISE PLAN

My wife wants me to start taking exercise
But not for my own sake to be plain The only reason she wants me to exercise
Is so she can hear heavy breathing again
FEELING DOWN

I find at times life gets me down a bit
And I get depressed I must admit
I’m not the only one that is sometimes down
And I try to make a smile out of a frown
But lately my mood had been very black
And I knew I must try to get my life back
I thought the Samaritans can help if anyone can
So I called and got a call centre in Pakistan
I explained that I called them for my survivalbecause I was low and I was feeling suicidalI was surprised at their response to my blues
Because they were very excited at my news
And they proceeded to try and ascertain
If I could drive a truck or fly a plane

A GOOD EXERCISE

Exercise is a good thing
Pushing your body physically
It can take many forms
I like cycling particularly
I like golf and swimming
I like long walks, especially
When they are taken byPeople who annoy me

I ONCE WROTE A NOTE

I once wrote a note
Writ on paper, hue of oat
Not of literary note
Worth less than a groat
Full of unimportant quote
Not worthy to promote
No ego should it bloat
No means to gloat
But it got my vote

The note I wrote
I put in my coat
The coat that I tote
The one on which I dote
The one with stoat
About the throat
My favourite coat
Now held my note

But I left the coat
That housed my note
Upon a boat
“The rampant goat”
That was afloat
In a bay remote
The note, the coat,
And the boat did float

So where was my note?
Memorized by rote
In my favourite coat
With throat of stoat
Floating like a mote
On some distant boat
With no shelter of cote
The note, the coat,
On that blasted boat

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

We were both young me and him
And full of vigour and vim
So why was our sex life so grim?

We understood the mechanics
We enjoyed each others bits
And knew where everything fits

So why? Pray tell me, was it
When we get down to do it
Our expectation were never met

We tried every artificial aid
Roll play and other forms of charade
So a radical decision was made

We visited a doctor’s surgery
In hope to relieve our anxiety
Hooray there was nothing wrong with me

I could set my mind at rest
That when he was rummaging in my vest
I was functioning at my best

There was no problem with me, but him
Though both full of vigour and vim
He was the reason our sex life was grim

Because when we got down to jigger
And he was grappling with my figure
It quickly set off his hair trigger

His defect was certainly a pity
But I decided to dump Mr. Brevity
And found a man with sexual longevity

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES YET AGAIN

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 17

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,What makes you arrive so late
It’s no good arriving at 10 o'clock
You’re Headmaster for goodness sake

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 18

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Growing in the middle of her chest
With the sunlight on her
It looked like a comma
That punctuated her pert little breasts

(Little girl in this case refers to stature and not age, so stop composing a complaint already)

(Not really a nursery rhyme I know
So sorry to the fans of Longfellow)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 19

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you come so soon?
Just think about cricket the next time
That we get down to it in my room

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 20

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you a star twinkling bright?
Or just another bloody satellite

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 21

Tom, Tom the pipers son
Stole a pig and away he ran,
The pig was ate and it tasted great
And so said everyone on Tom’s estate

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 22

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you the star I saw before?
Or an earth destroying meteor

LADS AND LADDETTES

Going out
Saturday nights
Looking for birds
Looking for fights
Getting ratted
Getting pissed
Getting groped
Getting kissed
Getting angry
Getting miffed
Getting slapped
Getting biffed
Getting punched
Getting kicked
Getting gobby
Getting nicked
Getting queasy
Getting sick
Sleeping it off
Down the nick
This is what
Young lads do
It’s always been
It’s nothing new

Going out
On the weekend
Looking for fun
Going with friends
Getting ratted
Getting pissed
Getting groped
Getting kissed
Getting angry
Getting miffed
Getting slapped
Getting biffed
Getting punched
Getting kicked
Getting gobby
Getting nicked
Getting queasy
Getting sick
Sleeping it off
Down the nick
This is what
The laddettes do
I guess that thatIs equality for you

ODE TO A YOUNG STUDENT

If success you will achieve
Do not ever flatter to deceive
Apply yourself with valiant effort
To gain the important good report
The way side is littered with the failed
Whose non commitment has prevailed
Don’t aim to highly but do your best
Then let your confidence do the rest