SATAN RULES KO
If you’re a worshiper of Satan
And you suffer from Dyslexia
Take care before you commit
You may sell your soul to Santa
FATHER AND CHRISTMAS
What do a Christmas tree
And a priest have in comparison?
The answer is simple to see
Their balls are just for decoration
THE HONEST SANTA FAIRY
A sorry old drunk is walking
Down the street one morning
Together with Santa Claus
The tooth fairy and of course
Honest John the Solicitor
When suddenly on their tour
At the very same moment
They spot on the pavement
Someone’s discarded wallet
So who was it who got it?
The old drunk obviously
Because all of the other three
Only exist in mythology
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 1
Well I only got a sweater for Christmas
Not the best thing to get for a dreamer
Because I got a sweater for Christmas
When I wanted a moaner or a screamer
HAPPY CHRISTMAS AUNTIE PEGGY
For Christmas I bought my Auntie
A brand new wooden leg
I didn’t have it specially made
No I just got it off the peg
You may say it’s not a nice gift
Or even that it’s a killer
It wasn’t her main present though
It was just a stocking filler
NICE
Making your way in life, it’s nice
To know you can, once or twice
Rely on other people in a trice
For assistance, guidance or advice
They’ll be no shortage of advice
But knowing what piece or slice
Of advice or guidance will suffice
You might just as well roll a dice
This axiom though it be concise
Won’t be bettered to be precise
So you take heed or pay the price
“Don’t eat yellow snow or ice”
EMPTYING SANTA’S SACK
One Christmas Eve on a roof top up on high
A poor soul stands shouting up at the sky
He has lost his job and his wife has left him
And the size of his overdraft is quite grim
Finishing his rant to god he shuts his eyes
Then he leaves a note saying his good-byes
He walks up to the edge ready to jump off
He stops when behind him he hears a cough
Father Christmas asks him "are you ok?"
And the man tells him the details of his day
He again walks to the edge of the rooftop
Then Father Christmas shouts, "please stop!"
“It’s Christmas so I’ll give three gifts to you
And I will have a small task for you to do”
Santa Claus says, “let me help you please”
The poor man is in such despair so he agrees
"That would be wonderful thanks,” he said
Father Christmas told him what was ahead
Firstly go home to your wife who is there
Waiting dressed in her sexiest underwear
Longing for you and begging forgiveness
She wants only you and your fond caress
And as for the recent loss of her affection
She will have absolutely no recollection
Secondly go into work after the holiday
Sit at your desk and work the same way
Your salary will have been well increased
Nobody remembers your employment ceased
Thirdly when you check your bank account
And you will be in credit by a large amount
The man is thrilled "oh thank you, thank you!"
Then said, “what is it that you want me to do?"
“Drop your trousers and then bend down”
The man is unsure agrees but wears a frown
Santa Claus gave him a brutal buggering
Leaving the poor man with eyes watering
Afterwards Santa asked, “how old are you?”
The man replied “actually I’m forty two”
“Your too old to believe in me by quite a bit”
Said the fat gay bloke in the Santa outfit
FALL OF THE SNOWMAN
Here is a thought of little worth
Snowmen start their fall to earth
From Heaven above unassembled
And like a snow globe it resembled
But if a snowman were then desiredSome assembly would be required
HAPPY STRESSLESS
A good friend of mine
Does his Christmas shopping
In less than two hours
With decs for party popping
And Gifts for twenty five
Friends and family
All on Christmas Eve
Including a six foot tree
IT’S CHRISTMAS
People have been discovering
On a Christmas Morning
That the curse of Christmas
That’s causing the most fuss
Has been unanimously concluded
To be “Batteries not included”
HOOK
There is something puzzling me
As it doesn’t say in the book
Before his hand was taken
What did they call captain hook
It’s a difficult one to answer
Maybe he was evil captain fist
Or was he called captain two hands
Not really a very menacing list
And was it simply irony, mere chance
Or was his accident planned
For if not for the crocodile
He would have remained a deck hand
COOL YULE By Sam Curtis
Last day of school,
Kids say “that’s cool”
Angel’s wings
Shepherd brings
Presents for Jesus
Rudolf sneezes
Everything is frosting over
Even my car made by “Rover”
Reindeer fly
But I can’t fly
But I have cream on my
Hot mince pie
But I still get a lift
When I get a gift
WHO’S THE NEW GUY?
A tenth reindeer flew in Santa’s team
One unknown pulling Santa’s sleigh
We know the names of nine of them
Including Rudolf leading the way
So who was the mystery number ten?
Twas Rudolf the brown nosed reindeer
Flew behind his red nosed brother
But he couldn’t stop as quick I fear
A HAND FOR SANTA
On Christmas Eve
Don’t lay awake in bed
All you naughty girls
Blonde, brunette or red
For instead of presents
You may get a shock instead
You may catch Santa
Dressed in his suit of red
Emptying his sack
At the end of your bed
CHIMNEY NOOK
The next time you complain
At the lack of Christmas nookey
Spare a thought for old St Nick
And have a little sympathy
For he only comes but once a year
And then he’s up a chimney
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 2
I don’t want a present
That’s very practical
Or a gift home made
Or something musical
Something for wearing
Thoughtful or twee
Things for the garden
Or things fragrant or smelly
Nothing expensive when
The value is shocking
I just want something shapely
In a Christmas stocking
OH NO HE ISN’T
My great uncle John was an actor on the stage
Who was best known as a pantomime dame
Famous for his ugly sister and widow twanky
But not anymore which is a great shame
He has gone to that great pantomime in the sky
No longer will he don grease paint and his regalia
I will still see him though from time to time
Because he’s not dead he’s just working for Ryan air
A CHRISTMAS WISH
On a Christmas Eve at midnight
When I got into bed
I lay upon my pillow
And there beside my head
Was Santa with his trousers off
And this is what he said
Happy Christmas little girl
I’ve unwrapped this gift for you
So take this gift with pleasure
To make your wish come true
Because Santa comes but once a year
And tonight he comes with you
A GIFT FOR MARIA
A young man called Paul
Wanted to buy a present
For his new sweetheart Maria
As a Christmas present
As they’d not been dating
For a very long duration
He decided to purchase
After careful consideration
A nice pair of glovesstriking the right note
Not too romantic or personal
So the gloves got his vote
Accompanied by Maria’s sister
He went to Harrods and bought
A dainty pair of white gloves
“She will like these” he thought
Maria’s sister Susan bought
A pair of panties for herself
But during the wrapping
An error was made on the shelf
The assistant mixed up
The gloves and the panties
The sister got the gloves
And Maria got the scanties
Without checking Paul sealed
The package along with a note
And sent it to his sweetheart
And this is what he wrote
Dear Maria, I chose these
As I noticed my darling
That you don’t wear any
When we go out in the evening.
If not for your sister Susan
I would have got long ones
The type with the buttons,
But Susan wears short ones
That are easier to remove.
They are a delicate shade,
But the shop assistant where the purchase was made
Showed me the pair she has
That she’d been wearing and were hardly soiled
After three weeks wearing
I had her try yours on for me
And she looked really chic
Even though they were
Tight on her a little bit.
She told me that her pair
Helps to keep her ring
Clean and shiny, and in fact
And this is interesting
Since she’d begun wearing them.
It hadn’t needed washing
I really hope you like them
And wish I were there with you
To put them on you Mariafor the first time I really do
As no doubt many other hands
Will have touched them
Before I see you again
Remember when you remove them
To blow into them before
Putting them away and drying
As they will naturally be
A little damp from wearing
Just think how many times
My lips will kiss themduring the coming year.
I hope you will wear them
For me on Friday nightAll my love Paul till then
P.S. The latest style
Which appears to be growing
Is to wear them folded down
With a little fur showing
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
It was Christmas Eve closing time, nearly
Where a last minute shopper, frustrated clearly
Was rummaging through the freezer cabinet
At her nearest out of town super market
Desperately searching for a frozen turkey
And couldn't find one big enough for her family
Then she saw a young shop assistant pass by
And decided that she would give him a try
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" she said
Puzzled he replied "No madam, they're dead."
THE SANTA CLAUSEWhen I was a child
I believed in Santa Claus
When I got olderI didn’t believe in Santa ClausWhen I became a parent
I was Santa Claus
Now I have grandchildrenI look like Santa Claus
KIDS DON’T UNDERSTAND CHRISTMAS
All children think
Christmas just happens
But parents work tirelessly
To bring it about
Months in the planning
Putting things away
Things to add to a special day
Shopping and wrapping
Dressing and decking
Super market shopping
The prices heart stopping
Journeying from shop to shop
For the latest must have toy
All made worth while
To see a face lit with joy
CHRISTMAS SHOCKING
Well worn festive tunes
Blare out
Hapless faces
Stare out
Faces strained
Bemused, Confused
Lists gripped tight
Pens ticking or deleting
Then onward
Loaded trolleys
Wildly steering
Zig zagging
Aisle to aisle
Every item
Must be had
Gin for her
Beer for dad
Chocs and cakes
Chops and steaks
Turkey, stuffing
Nuts and fruit
Frozen this
Prepacked that
Pop and juice
Something’s loose
Everything ticked
On the tight gripped list
Nothing missed
Merry Christmas wished
Hundreds of pounds
Of Christmas bought
The festivities can begin
Relax in the knowledge
The shops will only be shut
For twenty four hours
JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE
Christmas at the office
Is just like any other day
Let’s face of it
You end up doing all the work
And the fat guy in the suit
Gets all the credit
CHRISTMAS WITH THE BROWNS
Every Christmas day is the same
The Browns come round for lunch
I dread the time as it approaches
There a bloody awful bunch
He’s an opinionated git
She’s a loudmouthed fishwife
Their kids run amuck unchecked
Causing trouble and strife
They drink all my booze
And eat every crumb of food
They’re uncouth and vulgar
Obnoxious and just plain rude
They are a truly horrible family
I wish I could show them the door
They have no redeeming features
God I hate my brother in law
CHRISTMAS CHEER
I went to the pub with my brother
For a Christmas, lunchtime drink
While my wife cooked the dinner
And washed up at the sink
We got thrown out at 4 o’clock
Full of Christmas cheer and gin
We got home ready for Christmas lunch
And found it in the bin
CHRISTMAS POST
Mildred went to the post office
To buy stamps for her Christmas cards
“What denomination do you want?”
She was asked by Mr Everard
“That’s political correctness gone mad,
Has it come to this?” said she
“You’d better give me a book of Catholic
And a book of C of E”
SHOP EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS
It was Christmas eve at the magistrates court
And the Magistrate was in charitable mood
And In keeping with the season
Was inclined to show a little latitude
"Now then, what is the charge against you?"
He asked the unfortunate prisoner
The man in the dock replied
"I was caught Christmas shopping very early sir"
"That doesn't seem like an offence to me.
What do you mean by “very early” man”?
"Well, your Honour." said the defendant,
"It was an hour before the shop was open."
CHRISTMAS SERVICE
It was a bitterly cold and bleak Christmas morn
And had been snowing heavily since before the dawn
And for the morning service the waiting minister
Was eventually joined by just one solitary farmer
The clergyman said “Well even though it’s Christmas day
I don’t suppose there's no point in having a service today.”
The farmer replied “Well that's not quite how I see it.
If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.”
OH WHAT A LOVELY GIFT
My mum got me a jumper
That fits what it touched
My sister got me novelty socks
That didn’t cost very much
My dad got me a Philishave
To shave between my spots
My Nan got me a scarf
And a box of jelly tots
But it’s the identity
That I would like to know
Of who got me the condoms
Tied up with a bow
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