BAD SANTA # 1

 

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve

For the girls with a bit of curve

And he thinks that the naughty list

Is really more like his to-do list

AS WE APPROACH ANOTHER YULE

 

As we approach another Yule

Its time I went off on the pull

Looking for a Christmas honey

Someone attractive and funny

And if I manage to attract her

I will pull a Christmas cracker

MITHRAS

 

Mithras was a pagan faith

Older than we can remember

And the festival was held

Towards the end of December

 

Thank God it’s been replaced

By the festival of Christmas

Otherwise, we’d have to wish

Everyone a merry Mithras

WE COULD HAVE

 

We could have raised a glass

With all the usual crowd

We could have gone to mums

And spent Christmas in Stroud

 

We could have jetted off

For sand and sea and sun

We could’ve gone to my bro’s

Were they have “lots of fun”

 

We could have stayed at home

And just had “a quiet one”

Laughing at the annual

Morecambe and Wise rerun

 

But we decided to avoid this year

The usual helter skelter

And help cook Christmas dinner

At the homeless shelter

MAY THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON

May this Christmas season

Be overflowing with Christmas spirit

Enough to banish all the Grinch’s

And the Ebenezer Scrooges

And make it a very merry Christmas 

I BUILT THE PERFECT SNOWMAN

 

I built the perfect snowman

Well, a snow-woman actually

She was a little disproportionate

But she was perfect to me

She was a little cold

But we could’ve been happy

 

I wrapped her in a blanked

And took her to my bed

In the morning I was hoping,

Though nothing was said

That we would make love

But I woke alone instead

And to make matters worst

One of us had wet the bed

MY WIFE HAS MADE IT CLEAR TO ME

 

I mustn’t leave my shopping,

My wife has made it clear to me,

Until late on Christmas Eve

For my Christmas won’t be merry

If all she gets is cheap perfume

And more slutty lingerie