BE ON YOUR GUARD

 

Be on your guard

Wherever you go

Tread very carefully

You could even tip toe

But if you don’t take heed

And don’t watch where you go

You may get caught

Beneath the mistletoe

MERRY CHRISTMAS

 

Memories of Christmas past

Etched deep within

Remembered fondly

Remembered joyfully

Youthful memories

Christmas lights

Holly wreaths

Ringing bells

Icing the cake

Singing carols

Trimming the tree

Mistletoe for kissing mum

All done with love

Special Christmas’s with mum and dad

CHRISTMAS IS A FUNNY TIME OF YEAR

 

Christmas is a funny time of year

At no other time of year are the shops full to overflowing

With people who clearly don’t want to be there

Spending money they don’t have

On things the recipients of them won’t like

You send cards to people you haven’t seen for years

And you get cards from people you’ve never heard of

You spend the day itself

Amidst the people you’ve managed to avoid all year

You have to kiss relatives you never knew you had

Who keep farting and blaming it on the dog

You dine on roast Turkey

Which no one lists as their favourite meat

And you have to sit at the table wearing silly paper hats

When for the rest of the year you mustn’t wear a hat at the table

You eat Christmas pudding and mince pies

That give everyone heartburn

Then you all sit around a dead tree

Pretending to like the presents you open

You eat sweets and nuts that you took out of a sock

While you watch the Queens speech

Then you play parlour games suggested by someone

Who claims in their day “they had to make their own entertainment”

Who then falls asleep in his chair

But despite all of this I still love it

THREE WISE ONES Reprised

The three wise men

Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem

And arrived after the birth

They stood and viewed the scene in awe

And knelt reverently in the lords presence

Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh

 

The three wise women

Would have stopped to ask directions

And arrived before the birth

They would have delivered the baby

Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal

Before giving the baby really useful gifts

 

The three wise women

Leaving Bethlehem would be heard to say

“A virgin not likely, I know the family”

“That baby looks more like the shepherd than Joseph”

“Only a drama queen would choose to give birth in a stable”

“That Joseph is on the social you know”

“Well a lift home would have been nice”

“That angel was really snooty” 

SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

 

I’ve bought a special gift

For my Christmas honey

It’s a “Santa’s little helper” outfit

And it’s bloody horny

Its red velour with white fur trim

And matching lingerie

It’s figure hugging short and tight

And shows all you’d want to see

I’ve always liked sexy outfits

And this is the best I’ve seen

I’m sure that she will like it

Especially as it wipes clean

NORWEGIAN GIFT

 

A gift arrives each year

From across the sea

A gift from the people of Oslo

An annual gift of a Christmas tree

 

Given with gratitude

To stand in Trafalgar square

Received with pride

By those of us who care

 

A symbol of friendship

Given to us each Christmas

A token as a gift of thanks

Sent from Norway for us

BUMPER CHRISTMAS

 

All the sights and sounds

And all the tastes and smells

Make me love Christmas

 

All the carollers singing

And all the lights twinkling

Make me love Christmas

 

But there is one thing

More than any other

That makes me love Christmas

 

The bumper Radio Times

First going on sale

That makes me love Christmas