TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 13
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the dwelling
the fragrances of Christmas
Was all we were smelling
I DON'T WANT MUCH FOR CHRISTMAS
I don't want much for Christmas
What I want is quite naïve
And an unrealistic expectation
I just want everybody to be happy
I know it’s a forlorn hope
But miracles do happen at Christmas
THROUGHOUT THE YULETIDE SEASON
Throughout the yuletide season
In the light of the fireside glow
Christmas garlands are strung
Of Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe
BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR AND CASPAR
Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar
The wise men of the east
Search for the prince of peace
Gods dove against the beast
And with the holy birth
The light of love was released
A NOVELTY CHRISTMAS CAPER
It was a novelty Christmas caper
I was given some Sudoku toilet paper
Not a gift I would choose
You can only use number 1s and 2s
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES
When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope
ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?
THE YEAR IS TURNING
The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution
Thursday, 27 November 2014
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 5
ARE YOU WEARING ELFIN EARS?
Are you wearing elfin ears?
They go with your elfin features
Let’s go and play in dingerly dell
With all the woodland creatures
CHRISTMAS SPOILERS
The Christmas spoilers
Will soon be with us again
And that as you well know
Means the bloody children
THE QUEEN’S SPEECH
The Queen it would appear
Gets a TV special every year
But one of my many queries
Is why does she never get a series?
IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY
If you listen carefully
Late on Christmas Eve
You might hear a sound
You might not believe
For behind the skirting
In the quiet of the house
The little creatures say
Happy Christmouse
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 12
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the bungalow
not a creature was stirring
In the firelight glow
IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE IN DAD’S HOUSE
It was Christmas Eve in Dad’s house,
And not a hint of the season in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
He was such a miserable old shite
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
It’s Christmas Eve
The mood is merry
Listen to the sleigh bells
Here comes Mr C
ON CHRISTMAS EVE, A NUTCRACKER
On Christmas Eve, a nutcracker
Is turned into a handsome Prince,
Clara saves him from the Mouse King
And go to the land of sweets and mints
There they dance around for a bit
Before the Prince takes Clara as his belle
And they marry and that’s The End
And that is the nutcracker in a nutshell
THE NIGHT IS CLEAR
The night is clear
Here! Here!
Can’t you hear?
It’s the reindeer
Santa is near
Let us cheer,
Open a Beer
Christmas is here
IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY IN MY MUMS HOUSE
It was Christmas day in Mum’s house
And the table was laden with fare
And the love flowed like the wine
Oh how I wish I was back there
Are you wearing elfin ears?
They go with your elfin features
Let’s go and play in dingerly dell
With all the woodland creatures
CHRISTMAS SPOILERS
The Christmas spoilers
Will soon be with us again
And that as you well know
Means the bloody children
THE QUEEN’S SPEECH
The Queen it would appear
Gets a TV special every year
But one of my many queries
Is why does she never get a series?
IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY
If you listen carefully
Late on Christmas Eve
You might hear a sound
You might not believe
For behind the skirting
In the quiet of the house
The little creatures say
Happy Christmouse
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 12
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the bungalow
not a creature was stirring
In the firelight glow
IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE IN DAD’S HOUSE
It was Christmas Eve in Dad’s house,
And not a hint of the season in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
He was such a miserable old shite
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
It’s Christmas Eve
The mood is merry
Listen to the sleigh bells
Here comes Mr C
ON CHRISTMAS EVE, A NUTCRACKER
On Christmas Eve, a nutcracker
Is turned into a handsome Prince,
Clara saves him from the Mouse King
And go to the land of sweets and mints
There they dance around for a bit
Before the Prince takes Clara as his belle
And they marry and that’s The End
And that is the nutcracker in a nutshell
THE NIGHT IS CLEAR
The night is clear
Here! Here!
Can’t you hear?
It’s the reindeer
Santa is near
Let us cheer,
Open a Beer
Christmas is here
IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY IN MY MUMS HOUSE
It was Christmas day in Mum’s house
And the table was laden with fare
And the love flowed like the wine
Oh how I wish I was back there
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 4
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 17
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a louse
But there is a reason and here’s the tell
It’s just been fumigated and stank like hell
EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT
Ebenezer Scrooge went to court,
Accused of shagging a cat
The judge dismissed the case in a jiffy
And said in all his years as a judge,
That he'd never known Scrooge
To put anything into a kitty
CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PRESENTS
Christmas isn’t just about presents
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Christmas marks the birth
Of the saviour of all mankind
CELEBRATING CRIMBO
Some drunken bimbo
With legs akimbo
Showing off her bits
From ankle to pits
Lay in the gutter
And was heard to utter
To a fellow bimbo
Hacky crambo
ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?
Are you wearing elf ears?
It’s a very sweet look on you
So take me to your workshop
And do what little elves do
THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE
The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH
Happy Christmas to you both
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year
We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year
We will remember
And take a pause
Amidst the cheer
Just like every year
So we wish you
A happy Christmas
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978
ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT
When my Dad was just a boy
He never saw a lemon or Lime
And oranges only ever appeared
In his house at Christmas time
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 11
Twas the night before Christmas
And all around the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a peasant
ARE YOU WEARING A PAPER HAT?
Are you wearing a paper hat?
It’s Christmas day and that’s that
We’ve pulled our Christmas crackers
So everyone must wears a paper hat
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a louse
But there is a reason and here’s the tell
It’s just been fumigated and stank like hell
EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT
Ebenezer Scrooge went to court,
Accused of shagging a cat
The judge dismissed the case in a jiffy
And said in all his years as a judge,
That he'd never known Scrooge
To put anything into a kitty
CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PRESENTS
Christmas isn’t just about presents
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Christmas marks the birth
Of the saviour of all mankind
CELEBRATING CRIMBO
Some drunken bimbo
With legs akimbo
Showing off her bits
From ankle to pits
Lay in the gutter
And was heard to utter
To a fellow bimbo
Hacky crambo
ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?
Are you wearing elf ears?
It’s a very sweet look on you
So take me to your workshop
And do what little elves do
THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE
The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH
Happy Christmas to you both
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year
We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year
We will remember
And take a pause
Amidst the cheer
Just like every year
So we wish you
A happy Christmas
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978
ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT
When my Dad was just a boy
He never saw a lemon or Lime
And oranges only ever appeared
In his house at Christmas time
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 11
Twas the night before Christmas
And all around the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a peasant
ARE YOU WEARING A PAPER HAT?
Are you wearing a paper hat?
It’s Christmas day and that’s that
We’ve pulled our Christmas crackers
So everyone must wears a paper hat
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 3
IT WAS THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
It was the office Christmas party
Where I met my girl Lottie
I felt really out of place
Every girl there was totty
I was out of my comfort zone
They were all pouty and hottie
I was just about to go home
When she said “Are you Scottie?”
I said “yes how did you know?”
“I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
So you could ask me to dance”
I looked at her like she was Potty
She just smiled at me patiently
I smiled back and said “What me?”
She nodded and smiled again
And was swept off my feet by Lottie
ARCTIC EDUCATION
At the North Pole
If an education is sought
You won’t get any training
Everyone is Elf taught
CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 2
Cinnamon
Hot Chocolate
Rum Cakes
Icing
Stollen
Turkey
Mulled wine
Apple cider
Stuffing
BREAKFAST TIME COMES
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Frosty the snowman
Eats his Snowflakes
IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT
If the stork was to visit
Santa and Mrs. Claus
The child would naturally be called
The subordinate Claus
LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY
Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
A ladies handkerchief set
But in the end changed her mind
She didn’t know what size to get
IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS
When all the work is done
In the great north pole halls
The elves dress up for dancing
For their Christmas Balls!
BREAKFAST TIME COMES, AGAIN
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Santa’s little helpers
Eat their Frosted Flakes!
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a shame
But to rub salt into the wound
Give them a Christmas name
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 16
Twas the night before Christmas and every abode
Was shrouded in silence all down the road
But no house was empty, they were all in their homes
They were hiding from carollers from St Jerome’s
It was the office Christmas party
Where I met my girl Lottie
I felt really out of place
Every girl there was totty
I was out of my comfort zone
They were all pouty and hottie
I was just about to go home
When she said “Are you Scottie?”
I said “yes how did you know?”
“I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
So you could ask me to dance”
I looked at her like she was Potty
She just smiled at me patiently
I smiled back and said “What me?”
She nodded and smiled again
And was swept off my feet by Lottie
ARCTIC EDUCATION
At the North Pole
If an education is sought
You won’t get any training
Everyone is Elf taught
CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 2
Cinnamon
Hot Chocolate
Rum Cakes
Icing
Stollen
Turkey
Mulled wine
Apple cider
Stuffing
BREAKFAST TIME COMES
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Frosty the snowman
Eats his Snowflakes
IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT
If the stork was to visit
Santa and Mrs. Claus
The child would naturally be called
The subordinate Claus
LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY
Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
A ladies handkerchief set
But in the end changed her mind
She didn’t know what size to get
IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS
When all the work is done
In the great north pole halls
The elves dress up for dancing
For their Christmas Balls!
BREAKFAST TIME COMES, AGAIN
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Santa’s little helpers
Eat their Frosted Flakes!
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a shame
But to rub salt into the wound
Give them a Christmas name
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 16
Twas the night before Christmas and every abode
Was shrouded in silence all down the road
But no house was empty, they were all in their homes
They were hiding from carollers from St Jerome’s
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 2
THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2
The best Christmas actor of all time
Will this one isn’t actually very
But she sounds like she should be
And so the winner is Holly Berry
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15
Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
And the living room floor was all covered in mud
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 2
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a caper
But to rub salt into the wound
Wrap their gift in xmas paper
CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 1
Crackers
Holly
Ribbons
Ivy
Stars
Tinsel
Mistletoe
Angels
Stockings
MERRY BELLS
Merry Bells of Christmas
Of genus Uvularia
Whose yellow drooping
Bell-shaped flowers
Brighten the season
JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
You can’t open a single door
CHRISTMAS BOX
A common native of Asia
And the Himalayas
The Greeks called
It Sarcococca
“The fleshy berry”
We call it Christmas Box
With its large fragrant flowers
Blooming in winter
Making the stark
Christmas garden, merry
SNIP! SNAP! CHRISTMAS
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as festive Christmas comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Christmas game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
MINCE PIES FULL
Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I don’t eat them
Heartburn’s the Reason
REINDEER TURN
Rudolph is doing stand up
At this year’s Christmas do
But between each gag he says
“This one will sleigh you”
The best Christmas actor of all time
Will this one isn’t actually very
But she sounds like she should be
And so the winner is Holly Berry
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15
Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
And the living room floor was all covered in mud
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 2
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a caper
But to rub salt into the wound
Wrap their gift in xmas paper
CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 1
Crackers
Holly
Ribbons
Ivy
Stars
Tinsel
Mistletoe
Angels
Stockings
MERRY BELLS
Merry Bells of Christmas
Of genus Uvularia
Whose yellow drooping
Bell-shaped flowers
Brighten the season
JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
You can’t open a single door
CHRISTMAS BOX
A common native of Asia
And the Himalayas
The Greeks called
It Sarcococca
“The fleshy berry”
We call it Christmas Box
With its large fragrant flowers
Blooming in winter
Making the stark
Christmas garden, merry
SNIP! SNAP! CHRISTMAS
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as festive Christmas comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Christmas game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
MINCE PIES FULL
Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I don’t eat them
Heartburn’s the Reason
REINDEER TURN
Rudolph is doing stand up
At this year’s Christmas do
But between each gag he says
“This one will sleigh you”
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 1
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 1
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed
A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE
A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself
JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door
CHRISTMAS BELLS
Christmas bells
Of Genus Blandfordia
Orange or crimson
Whose large flowers
Brighten the season
CHRISTINGLE (ACROSTIC)
Candles
Holly
Red ribbon
Incense
Sweets
Tinsel
Inspiration
Noel
Gold
Light
Eternal
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 1
For those born on Christmas day
Parents have a great responsibility
So don’t wish them a happy birthmas
Or Merry Chrisday it provokes hostility
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 14
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring not even a peasant
But that in itself is not uncommon to see
When you live in a gated community
THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1
The best Christmas actor of all time
Is a character actor so sublime
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Yule Brynner
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS OVER
The Christmas party is over
And so I guess
It’s now the time to wish you
A Happy Christmess
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a Christmas outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed
A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE
A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself
JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door
CHRISTMAS BELLS
Christmas bells
Of Genus Blandfordia
Orange or crimson
Whose large flowers
Brighten the season
CHRISTINGLE (ACROSTIC)
Candles
Holly
Red ribbon
Incense
Sweets
Tinsel
Inspiration
Noel
Gold
Light
Eternal
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 1
For those born on Christmas day
Parents have a great responsibility
So don’t wish them a happy birthmas
Or Merry Chrisday it provokes hostility
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 14
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring not even a peasant
But that in itself is not uncommon to see
When you live in a gated community
THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1
The best Christmas actor of all time
Is a character actor so sublime
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Yule Brynner
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS OVER
The Christmas party is over
And so I guess
It’s now the time to wish you
A Happy Christmess
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a Christmas outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
Friday, 31 October 2014
A Little Bit Of Humour # 71
ON HOLIDAY IN THE WEST COUNTRY
On holiday in the West Country,
During a recreational pursuit
I discovered that Plymouth Hoe
Was not a Devonian Prostitute
PLAYING "LA CUCARACHA"
Playing "La Cucaracha"
I hear the chimes call
Come get our hot food
Come one and come all
It’s the cockroach song
Is no one concerned at all?
IT’S YOUR OWN TIME YOU’RE WASTING
“It’s your own time you’re wasting”
But no one listens to the teacher
So when option time came around
I went and signed up for media
IN THE CORRIDORS AT MY SCHOOL
In the corridors at my school
We were allowed to run
There was a simple explanation,
We didn’t have a gymnasium
SOMETHING HAPPENED AT SCHOOL TODAY
Something happened at school today
Which has shaken us up a bit
We had an issue with the register
As two of our teachers were on it
I CAN SAY FROM EXPERIENCE
I can say from experience
Marriage is in no way like prison
And the reason I say that
Is you get far more sex in prison
DON’T EAT ANYTHING FATTY
My doctor said to me
Don’t eat anything fatty
What he meant by that was
Don’t eat anything, fatty
MY DAD THINKS HE’S A CHOCOLATE ORANGE
My dad thinks he’s a chocolate orange
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned
And we have come to the decision
That we should have him sectioned
IF YOU WANT TO SCORE AT SCHOOL
If you want to score at school
Then the person to see
To fulfil all your needs
Is the supply teacher obviously
HAVE YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT?
Have you had an accident?
That you have not recovered from
And has changed your life?
Well next time use a condom
MARRIED FOR TWELVE YEARS
When I said I’d been married for twelve years
My best mate laughed himself in to tears
“You’d have got less for murder” He said flat
“No I wouldn’t” I said “I already thought of that”
On holiday in the West Country,
During a recreational pursuit
I discovered that Plymouth Hoe
Was not a Devonian Prostitute
PLAYING "LA CUCARACHA"
Playing "La Cucaracha"
I hear the chimes call
Come get our hot food
Come one and come all
It’s the cockroach song
Is no one concerned at all?
IT’S YOUR OWN TIME YOU’RE WASTING
“It’s your own time you’re wasting”
But no one listens to the teacher
So when option time came around
I went and signed up for media
IN THE CORRIDORS AT MY SCHOOL
In the corridors at my school
We were allowed to run
There was a simple explanation,
We didn’t have a gymnasium
SOMETHING HAPPENED AT SCHOOL TODAY
Something happened at school today
Which has shaken us up a bit
We had an issue with the register
As two of our teachers were on it
I CAN SAY FROM EXPERIENCE
I can say from experience
Marriage is in no way like prison
And the reason I say that
Is you get far more sex in prison
DON’T EAT ANYTHING FATTY
My doctor said to me
Don’t eat anything fatty
What he meant by that was
Don’t eat anything, fatty
MY DAD THINKS HE’S A CHOCOLATE ORANGE
My dad thinks he’s a chocolate orange
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned
And we have come to the decision
That we should have him sectioned
IF YOU WANT TO SCORE AT SCHOOL
If you want to score at school
Then the person to see
To fulfil all your needs
Is the supply teacher obviously
HAVE YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT?
Have you had an accident?
That you have not recovered from
And has changed your life?
Well next time use a condom
MARRIED FOR TWELVE YEARS
When I said I’d been married for twelve years
My best mate laughed himself in to tears
“You’d have got less for murder” He said flat
“No I wouldn’t” I said “I already thought of that”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)