A Humourous Selection # 4

DOCTOR PLEASE

“Doctor please help me?
I have a ringing in my ears"
He replied “if they ask for me
Tell them I’m not here”

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 1

My Doctor gave me six months to live.
Because I was terribly ill
But then he gave me another six months
When I said I couldn’t pay his bill

NAME CALLING # 2

I didn’t call her a dog
That would be hard to defend
But I did say she was
Mans best friend

DOUBLE STANDARDS

If a woman sleeps with ten men in a week
She is regarded in a sluttish way
Whereas if a man behaved in like wise
He’s regarded as a bit of a lad or gay

SUPPORT GROUP - LOW SELF ESTEEM

Do you suffer from Low Self Esteem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Just remember to use the back door

VERY POOR RECEPTION

An elderly man entered the surgery
And approached the receptionist
“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”
With a face that had never been kissed
And a manner to match she demanded
He tell her why he needed to go on the list
But he didn’t want to discuss it in reception
“You’ll have to tell me I really must insist”

Looking around at the other patients
'I’ve a problem with my dick', he replied
“You cannot say things like that
In the surgery” the receptionist chastised
“But you did ask me what was wrong
I must have misunderstood; sorry” he lied

“You should be a little more discreet
You have caused embarrassment I fear”
The Receptionist continued on
“You should say the problem is with your ear,
“You can be more frank with the doctor
But not cause any upset out here”

The man replied, “Why did you ask me
What was wrong, In front of everyone?
You shouldn't ask people questions
That could embarrass anyone”
The man walked out, waited several minutes,
And then returned to where he’d begun

“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”
He asked through dentures grit
The Receptionist smiled smugly
Enjoying the moment more than a bit
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he said
The Receptionist liked to see patients submit
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
Then he loudly said “I can't piss out of it,”

THE CARIBOU COLLECTIVE

The Caribou is the soberest beast
A wandering woodsman could meat
But get them in a group of threes or twos
They soon become the Caribooze

THE THING ABOUT MANGE-TOUT

The thing about mange-tout
That I want to say to you
Is when all said and done
I could never eat a whole one

THE CHURCH LADIES

The Church ladies have cast off clothing
Of every kind, generously strewn
They may be seen in the back room
Of the church hall every afternoon

AT THE FOOT OF MY BED

At the foot of my bed
As in my bed I laid
I saw Gloria Gaynor’s ghost
At first I was afraid........

ARE YOU WEARING? # 8

ARE YOU WEARING WELLIES?

Are you wearing wellies?
Why where are we going?
Will it be quite muddy?
Or has it been snowing
They are not for outdoors?
Then their use has receded
So please just tell me
Why the wellies are needed?
I still don’t understand
If there is no outdoor activity
Oh now the penny has dropped
They’re for indoor depravity

ARE YOU WEARING PIXIE BOOTS?

Are you wearing pixie boots?
Well they really are beauties
I’ve always had a soft spot
For little woodland cuties
So let me carry you away
Like a prized piece of booty
To a woodland clearing
Where we can get really fruity

ARE YOU WEARING A PLEATED SKIRT?

Are you wearing a pleated skirt?
It’s really very flattering on you
A blandishment to your hips
And narrows the waist without ado
And when the wind lifts it up
Your scanty wares come into view

ARE YOU WEARING A SNEER?

Are you wearing a sneer?
Well that’s how you appear
Like you’re looking down your nose
From some commanding belvedere

So what of your countenance
If it’s not a look of distain
What did you wish to convey
Perhaps we should start again

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SPECIAL?

Are you wearing something special?
For my special birthday treat
Something daringly risqué
Nothing remotely discreet
Something minimalist in silk
Would be right up my street

ARE YOU WEARING A UNION SUIT?

Are you wearing a union suit?
Well not exactly a source of phwors
It’s just an un-sexy combination
Of a vest and long drawers
But joined together like a romper suit
The addition of the trap doors
Makes it a little more exciting
I think I’d like to go through yours

ARE YOU WEARING A WIG?

Are you wearing a wig?
No I’m not having a dig
I’m not a fan of them
But this is an ill fitting item

It just doesn’t suit you
I know it’s just my view
I’m not meaning to nag
You look like you’re in drag

ARE YOU WEARING A TUTU?

Are you wearing a tutu?
Oh it really does suit you
Give me a twirl oh do do
In your pretty little tutu

ARE YOU WEARING A BOB?

Are you wearing your hair in a bob?
I think they’ve done a good job
It makes you look like a flapper
No I didn’t say you were a slapper
From the roaring twenties, a party girl
No I didn’t say you were a tarty girl
Instead of having your hair cut short
In order to prevent any auditory distort
And to stop you miss hearing things
You should have had your ears syringed

ARE YOU WEARING A FLAT CAP?

Are you wearing a flat cap?
How very working class
And you a Roedean girl
Normal so up her own arse

Dressing up like an oick
Does have some appeal
So say something common
And let me cop a feel

Relationships # 2

MOTHER OF TWO

George is a married man
Who is content with his lot
But he calls his wife “mother of two”
Which she likes not a jot

One day at a house party
He said as the partying was done
“Come along then “mother of two””
She replied “ok father of one”

MARRIAGE DEAL

Marriage is like a pack of cards
In the beginning to make the grade
You need two hearts and a diamond
By the end you want a club and a spade

LEFT A BIT, RIGHT A BIT

She said to me last night
“Left a bit, Right a bit,
Forward, now back,
Up a bit, down a bit”
With the relentless instructions
She was barking
I snapped “for God’s sake
Are we having sex or parking?”

DARLING, DO I PLEASE YOU IN BED?

A wife asked her husband
“Darling, do I please you in bed?”
“Yes, especially when you do that thing
With your mouth” he said
“Do you mean oral sex?
You know that makes me feel cheap”
“No I mean the thing where
You shut up and go to sleep”

JANE AND I

“I’ve been to Wales with Jane”
I was told by my friend
“Then tomorrow Jane and I
Are going to Lands End”
“And I will probably take Jane
To London at the weekend”
I didn’t like to shatter his illusions
But I had to in the end
“Jane is the voice on your SatNav
She’s not a proper girlfriend”

A Humourous Selection # 3

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 2

The naughty Toad in the hole
And his friend Guacamole
Along with Ratatouille
Thought Badger quite chewy

AVIATION ASPIRATION

My daughter wants to be a pilot
At first I was a little alarmed
But after I thought about it
My apprehension calmed

And I laughed at my foolishness
I felt silly, oh what a lark
After all it’s not as if
She will have to parallel park

SCRABBLED

After a scrabble marathon,
Hundreds of games back to back,
Tony Blair now feels vindicated
He finally found WMD in a rack

PICTURE HOUSE MODE

Bimbette and Peaches
Plus seventeen friends
All went to the cinema

At the booking office
The girl enquired
“Blimey why so many of yer?”

Bimbette said in reply
“Coz the advert says
18 or over."

THANK YOU FOR YOUR FAVOURS

Thank you for your favours, and joy they're bringing
Thanks coz now my pee is stinging
I wish I’d gone with out it, I say in all honesty
What would life be?
Without an itch or a rash what are we?
So I say thank you for your favours
For giving them to me

So I Say
Thank you for that infection
For giving it to me...

Sung to the tune of “Thank you for the music” by ABBA

WHAT I SAW OF MY COUSIN

I pushed open the bathroom door
And there before me stood
My young cousin towelling off
So I looked away as soon as I could

I quickly told her I was sorry and
I saw nothing which wasn’t quite true
I did see her ample breasts
But didn’t see a nipple or two

I often recall that morning
Being a man of simple pleasures
When I got to see her chest
But didn’t glimpse her treasures

SENIOR WINE

Forget the Pinot Grigio and its ilk
And the endless night time wee’s
Would you like anti-diuretic wine?
Then the Pinot More should please

MUSIC TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE BEAST

The shepherd lad called shep,
Though that was a Sobriquet,
Watched over his ragged flock
As he sat playing his flageolet

So enchanting was the melody
Played on his small fipple flute
It mesmerised the watching wolf
Making him easier to shoot

REGULAR HABITS

I pee every morning at 6 am.
Like the proverbial racehorse
And I evacuate my bowels
30 minutes later in force
Which would be perfect
If by then I was awake of course

NAME CALLING # 1

Calling her a dog
Is a little hard to defend
But I would say she is
Mans best friend

ARE YOU WEARING? # 7

ARE YOU WEARING WOOLLY TIGHTS?

Are you wearing woolly tights?
That’s one of my favourite sights
As the evenings begin to shorten
Well as they say winter draws on

ARE YOU WEARING SENSIBLE SHOES?

Are you wearing sensible shoes?
And substantial winter tights
What a wonderful combination
I can’t express how that delights
How comfortably cosy you will be
On the long cold winter nights

ARE YOU WEARING A PIXIE CUT?

Are you wearing a pixie cut?
God that must really annoy
When people keep telling you that
It makes you look like a boy

ARE YOU WEARING A TATTOO?

Are you wearing a tattoo?
It’s very appropriate for you
But the meaning might not please
As it says, “fat bloke” in Chinese

ARE YOU WEARING COMBINATIONS?

Are you wearing combinations?
I must say with total resignation
It’s not the sexiest underwear
For you to be wearing under there

ARE YOU WEARING A PONYTAIL?

Are you wearing a ponytail?
Don’t you think that look is stale?
Even at its most dizzy height
That look never looked quite right

So what were you thinking?
When you decided to have it done
It’s not appropriate for you
Now you’ve just turned eighty-one

ARE YOU WEARING A SMIRK?

Are you wearing a smirk?
I thought you’d been to work
But you decided you would shirk
With that good looking clerk
Brilliant so I get to look a berk
While you get to wear a smirk

ARE YOU WEARING A LEER?

Are you wearing a leer?
That’s out of order I fear
You are lustfully gazing
At the young and amazing
With lascivious thoughts
Ogling good looking sorts
Well only one of us can spy
And that letch is I

ARE YOU WEARING A HAT?

Are you wearing a hat?
What’s the point of that?
It’s often been said
You have an unsuitable head
And not just for millinery
It’s a little bit scary
And the hat doesn’t help
You made that boy yelp
So take off the hat
And that will be that
The hat will be gone
And the bag put back on

ARE YOU WEARING TWEEDS?

Are you wearing tweeds?
Well that certainly exceeds
Your rather arousing apparel
Really brings out the feral
Complimented by stout hardy shoes
In my own Victorian views
And I wouldn’t knock
Some good country stock
Let me help you over this stile
As I think all the while
How to best meet my needs
Of getting inside your tweeds

The Love Selection # 2

CONDITIONAL LOVE

You must be devoted,
Kind and true
Willing to give of yourself
If all this you can do
Then without reservation
I will love you

ETERNAL LOVE?

Eternal love?
Love that lasts
Forever more
Not this side
Of heavens door
That was my opinion
Well heretofore
Then I met you
And now I’m not so sure

ONCE INSIDE MY HEART

Once inside my heart
You’ll find it bleak and stark
For love has been defeated
And sits lonely in the dark
No colours exist here
Only shades of grey
But if you can endure
You could show me the way
And lead me from the dark
And back into the day

SEE A RAINBOW?

The door to my heart
Is always open to loves light
My essence is a rainbow
A spectrum of bright hues
But if you can only see
In shades of monochrome
The door to my heart
Remains closed to you

DESCENT FROM CLOUD NINE

You were joyful, everything was fine
You were content, sitting on cloud nine
Then things sharply turned
And you ended up getting burned
You took your eye off the ball
And took your devastating fall
You thought as life was good for you
That everything was for me too
I know that for you it was for life
But I’m not content to be your wife
I need more

LONG TIME FRIEND

For so long you have been my friend
But you've grown nearer to my heart,
And now I want our friendship to end
And the longed for love affair to start

I DON’T LIKE REPETITION

I don’t like repetition
But I will never complain,
When you tell me you love me
Again and again.

A COMFORTER

A comforter is a form of bedding
The modern example is a duvet
Or perhaps a continental quilt,
An eiderdown is best so they say
But I think that you’re the best
Comforter by a very long way

DEPENDABLE

I think I overly rely on you
I try not to but I know I do
I know I depend on your support
Perhaps more than I ought
I don’t want to cause any upset
You’re more than a safety net
I know my view is slanted
And I’m sure I take you for granted
But the reason that I depend on you
Is because I’m in love with you

AUBURN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the Auburn headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning brown hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

A Humourous Selection # 2

MY 50TH

My 50th was approaching
A milestone for us males
I’d dropped loads of hints
Because hinting never fails
“I want something new and shiny,
And for further details,
Go from 0 to 150
And all that that entails”
Well she went and bought me
A new set of bathroom scales

MAYDAY MODE

"Mayday, Mayday. SOS, Mayday
My pilot has had a heart attack and died
Can anybody out there hear me?”
The panicky blonde passenger cried

Suddenly a voice comes over the radio
And spoke with reassuring charm
“Just relax; I’m going to talk you down
But it’s important that you stay calm”

“Just give me your height and position
And then we’ll get you down from there”
“Well if you really need to know I'm 5'1"
And I'm sitting in the pilot’s chair."

The radio went silent like for a moment
As if they’d gone completely off the air
Then the voice from the tower returned
“Do you know the Lords prayer?”

ON THE ROCKS

Vodka with ice is bad for you
Rum with ice is bad for you
Whiskey with ice is bad for you
Gin with ice is bad for you
I think we should refrain
From using ice, don’t you

DON’T MAKE A SPECTACLE OF YOURSELF

If you walk into everything
Because your eyesight is chronic
Then the next thing you should do
Is walk in to the walk in clinic

NAMING THE CONSTABULARY

Since the days of the bow street runners
When they numbered but a few
There have been slang names
For our wonderful boys in blue

From the old bill and lily law
To the filth, pigs and Bobbies
The fuzz, the plod and the Rozzers
To the Peelers, Coppers and Bizzies

This is just the tip of the ice berg
There are many more I know
I find some of the modern ones
Just a little absurd though

I get the cultural reference
In calling the police 5 0
But I think it’s a bit pre school
Calling the police the Po Po

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 1

Ratty the water vole
And his friend Mr Mole
Buried Toad deep in a hole

MURDER SQUAD

The police, investigating a series of horrific murders
Appear to be out manoeuvred at every turn
All the victims were stabbed with knitting needles
Are the only details they’ve been able to discern
But even with such disappointing progress
They believe the killer maybe following a pattern

HEALTHY EATING

I’m trying to eat more healthily
Because you really can’t beat it
But when I buy rocket salad
It goes off before I can eat it

MENOPAUSAL MODE

Bimbette went home to see her mum
And found her acting quite funny
She was sat on the dining room floor
And appeared to be counting her money

But it was all coins of copper and silver
Then she started crying which was strange
Having never seen her like this, she asked
"Mum are you going through the change?"

CITIZENSHIP TEST

I have had an idea
For a citizenship test
And based on the success
Of this quest
The asylum application
Result should rest

The test would begin
With a long queue
That stretches away
Out of view
And that is all
That they’d have to do

Stand in a queue
Without knowing
The reason why
Or where it was going
And by this their
British-ness is showing

But if they fail
If they break ranks
Then that’s it
They’ve drawn blanks
And its good bye
And no thanks