CHRISTMAS ACROSS THE SEA

I am of occidental origin
And I should make it clear
That I have lived all my life
In the northern hemisphere

And every year, except this one
I’ve spent Christmas in blighty
This year, I was invited to my daughters
I tried to decline, politely

She doesn’t live in Britain
But in the land of the kangaroo
Christmas day in high summer
Oh what an awful to-do

The hot sun was like the Grinch
Not a cloud in the sky since dawn
It ruined the day for me
And it made the eggnog warm

Flies buzzed round the turkey
My hat was stuck to my head
No queen’s speech on the telly
I wish I’d stayed home instead

HAVE A CRACKING CHRISTMAS

I must definitely make sure
Her Christmas sack is full
Then if your dear is happy
Your cracker might get a pull

FAIRY ON THE TREE

Fairy, fairy on the tree
Why do you look so glum?
Is it the Christmas Blues?
To which you have succumbed
Is that what makes you sad
Or the needles up your bum

TIED UP WITH TINSEL

Have a little yuletide fun
Make it deliciously sinful
With your little Christmas hon
Tied up with tinsel

CHRISTMAS SPICE

Christmas time is very nice
But if I might offer some advice
You can add a spot of yuletide spice
If you indulge in a little festive vice

DEMENTIA

I think my grandparents
Are suffering from dementia
Because granddad asked my gran
As they sat together on the sofa
“Whatever happened
To our sexual relations dear?”
And the answer she gave
Is what gave me cause to fear
“I don’t know, we didn’t even get
A Christmas card from them this year”

WHILE BROKERS WATCHED THEIR STOCK BY NIGHT

While brokers watched
Their stock by night
In the heart of London town
The angel of the Lord came down
And turned off the power
And turned off the power

While brokers looked
Into their blank monitors
Stop messing she was bade
There’s lots of money to be made
Turn on the bloody power
Turn on the bloody power

You seem to be missing
The true meaning of Christmas
The angel calmly explained
In the darkness of the exchange
They did not listen to her
They wanted only power

I am not hear for god
I am hear at my own bidding
The angel was ranting and raving
You lost my bloody savings
When they told to her the risks
She fried them to a crisp