Friday, 1 April 2011

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 171 to 201


# 171

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And killed the man from the income tax
When she saw what she had done,
She went off to kill another one

# 172

Mary had a little horse
She rode bareback on her pony
But the little horse threw her off
Because her arse was bony

# 174

Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
He was joined by his mate, they looked so twee
They sang their little songs quite lustily
Then I threw a shoe at them you see
Because I didn’t get to bed till half past three

# 175

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To get a bone for her Poodle
When she came there,
The cupboard was bare,
Apart from an expired pot noodle

# 176

Lizzie Borden took a chopper
To use on her mother to top her
And the reason for the act you see
Was she made Lizzie eat her broccoli

# 177

Mary had a girl friend
Who dressed just like a man
And they spent their evenings
As only special girlfriends can

# 179

Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
Then joined by his mate they looked so twee
So I shot them for being too damned happy

# 180

"Oranges and Lemons"
Say the Bells of St. Clements
“Shut the fuck up”
Say the Bells of 14 King William Street

# 181

Mary wore a little skirt
And she liked to go commando
And everyone from roundabout
Could see her down below

# 183

"Who killed Cock Robin?"
"I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow,
I killed Cock Robin."
“You’re nicked then son”
Said Inspector Bird
From Scotland Yard

# 184

Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
How I hate runny noses
"A tissue! A tissue!"
Then throw it in the bin!

# 185

The big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
The ally-ally-oh, the ally-ally-oh
Oh, the big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
Just off the coast of Somalia

# 186

A wise old owl
Lived in an oak
He kept to himself
And he seldom spoke
Now that’s what you want in a neighbour

# 187

Mary liked to sunbathe nude
She found it quite relaxing
But if anyone could see her
They would say she needed waxing

# 188

I had a little pony,
They called him Dapple-grey.
I gave him to my brother,
But he gave it away.

# 189

I had a little nut tree,
Nothing would it bear
- So I chopped it down

# 190

A wise old owl lived in an oak
He kept to himself and he seldom spoke
And I think that’s rather anti social

# 192

I had a little pony,
They called him Bonny Blue.
I sold him to a man,
Who turned him into glue.

# 193

Mary was a little tart
All the girls called her a ho
Because everyman in town
Had seen her down below

MES # 194

Three little kittens
They lost their mittens,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our mittens."
"What! Lost your mittens,
You silly kittens!
Don’t worry we’ll get some more from Primark

# 195

A swarm of bees in May
Is worth a load of hay;
A swarm of bees in June
Is worth a silver spoon;
A swarm of bees in July
And they will surely die
Because between me and you
They would spoil the BBQ

# 196

Cuckoo, cuckoo, what do you do?
Not much at all really
I’m a bit of a parasite
I turn up when things are on the up
I let others raise my young
Then I go home when the food runs out
I’m the avian equivalent
Of an economic migrant

# 197

I saw a ship a-sailing,
A-sailing on the sea.
And, oh, but it was laden
With pretty things for thee

There were comfits in the cabin,
And apples in the hold;
But the ship was taken
By Somali pirates bold

# 198

Handy spandy Jack-a-dandy
Loves plum cake and sugar candy,
He bought some at the grocers shop
Because of the sugar rush he can’t stop

# 199

In the merry month of May
When green leaves begin to spring,
Little lambs do skip like fairies
And lovers do couple, to do their thing

# 200

Little Betty Blue
Lost her holiday shoe:
What can little Betty do?
Don’t tell her mother
She’s been doing the other
And she’s lost more than her shoe

# 201

Three little kitties
They lost their skimpies,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our skimpies."
"What! Lost your skimpies,
You silly kitties!
That’s the third time this month

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