MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 3

 

My worst Christmas present ever

Without a doubt, I have concluded

Was when I received a box of batteries

Labelled “toys not included”

IT WAS ANOTHER SUV CHRISTMAS

 

It was another SUV Christmas

Thanks to my significant other

No not that kind of SUV, I got

Socks, Underwear and Viagra

THREE MEN DIED ON CHRISTMAS EVE

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve

And were stood before St Peter

“You must all pass a simple test

Before you are allowed to enter”

 

“So produce a symbol of the season

Either on or about your person”

 

The first man retrieved a bauble

From his overcoat pocket

And St Peter turned to the gate

And proceeded to unlock it

 

St Peter said “You are blessed

Because you have passed the test”

 

The next man took a red bow

From his overcoat pocket

And St Peter turned to the gate

And proceeded to unlock it

 

St Peter said “You are blessed

Because you have passed the test”

 

The last man took a pair of panties

From his overcoat pocket

St Peter stood fast before the gate

And made no effort to unlock it

 

St Peter said “You are not blessed

Because you have failed the test”

 

“In what way do a pair of knickers

Symbolized the Christmas season

I fail to see how they are appropriate

So enlighten me as to the reason”

 

So the man proceeded to explain

“A young woman’s intimate apparels

Are without a doubt appropriate

When they happen to be carols”

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER

 

For our Christmas dinner

We had German sprouts

And they in no way allayed

Any low emission doubts

A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE

 

A little boy wrote to Santa Clause

“Please send me a brother”

Santa Clause wrote him back,

“Ok, send me your mother”

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (015) A Question of Pooh

 

Its Christmas time again, as if anyone could fail to notice, even without leaving my house I can see more than half a dozen houses decorated to the hilt.

Every coloured light imaginable, Santa’s on the roof or climbing a ladder, sleighs, elves, snowmen, bells, stars, baubles and last but by no means least standing almost four feet high, that perennial Christmas favourite, Winnie the Pooh.

Wait a minute though you might well be saying what does Pooh have to do with Christmas? Well every other house seems to have one so there must be something in it.

I don’t recall mention of him in the bible and in the many nativity plays I have seen over the years he was conspicuous by his absence and although there is a donkey, but it’s not Eeyore.

The stable did not house Piglet and the wise men did not travel from the east with Tigger baring gifts of Huney.

Nor in any of the Christmas traditions around the world is there a single reference to Pooh as one of Santa’s helpers.

There’s Black Peter, The Jolly Elf, even the devil figure Krampus but no Pooh, but people still give him pride of place on their lawns at Christmas.

I just don’t get it.

CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!

 

Christmas has been cancelled!

Let me make it perfectly clear

Santa died laughing when I told him

I’d been a good boy this year!