Tuesday, 19 October 2010



Gillian finished her first week at school
And had a very unhappy look on her face
She said to her mum who was showing concern
“I’m just wasting my time at that place”
Mum asked her “why ever do you think that?”
Then Gillian exploded in an angry squawk
“Well mother I can't read and I can't write,
And then they won't even let me talk!'


I have discovered a great way
To get wrinkle free skin
I just eat as much as I want
And the fat fills them in


My friend has got a new girlfriend
And he’s sleeping with her and her twin
I asked how he could tell them apart
He said her brother has stubble on his chin


She strutted down the catwalk
In an outfit to make the critics talk
It was called simply “Iridescence”
And had a lustrous, brilliant appearance
Her outfit was called the wonder of the age
I think I’d prefer something in beige


Applying a tattoo
On a beautiful woman’s skin
Is something akin
To drawing a moustache
On the Mona Lisa
Or a Chad on the ceiling
Of the Sistine chapel
The only things that can enhance
A woman’s beauty
Is a smile about her lips
And a glow upon her cheek


When to my wife I was wed
My father-in-law to me said
I will give you ten acres and a cow
I’ve waited for the land for 10 years now


I sit at home alone
Waiting by the telephone
Hoping to hear her tender tone

But all the time I knew
It was fruitless to pursue
The fickle heart of Sue

I’ll spend no more nights alone
Waiting for Sue to phone
I’m better off on my own

So let me warn you about sue
Before she gets her hooks in you
Her love is definitely untrue

For as soon as you’re apart
The infidelity will start
For she has a cheating heart


My wife told me to be more romantic
And to book a table for Valentines Day
When we arrived at the snooker hall
I can tell you there was all hell to pay


Have you always been partial to a skinny red head?
But you married a twenty stone brunette instead
Have you always hankered for someone small and petite?
Instead you married a woman with size ten feet
Were you attracted to intelligent women with wit?
But instead you married some uncouth twit
Did you always fancy a girl with figure that swings?
But instead you’re stuck with miss bingo wings
Do you ever think your perfect woman got away?
Well you are not alone because I think it every day

No comments: