NICE BIRTHDAY

 

My wife wanted something nice

For her birthday,

So I was happy to oblige

But come the day she was so upset

With the gift box with

Packets of biscuits inside

WHILE SITTING AT HER HUSBAND’S FUNERAL

 

While sitting at her husband’s funeral

The widow was approached by a man

Asking, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No not at all” she replied “Go ahead”

So he walked briskly to the lectern

Cleared he throat and said “Plethora”

Then he walked back to the widow

“Thank you” she said “it means a lot”

MY WIFE IS INCREDIBLY SMART, BECAUSE

 

My wife is incredibly smart, because

I rang her on the phone of a buddy

And she answered “Hello darling”

Amazingly she already knew it was me

THE POSTPARTUM SEX

 

My wife gave birth today

And after thanking the doc

I sheepishly asked him

“When can have sex?”

He winked and said

“I’m off duty at ten”

I JUST WALKED INTO THE BEDROOM

I just walked into the bedroom,

Which was littered with crap

And tripped over my wife’s bra

I was floored by her booby trap

MY WIFE TOLD ME OVER BREAKFAST

 

My wife told me over breakfast

That sex was better on holiday

It took me completely by surprise

As the postcard only arrived that day

I LOST MY WATCH AT A PARTY ONCE

 

I lost my watch at a party once

And someone stepped on it

While being aggressive to his wife

And calling her a bitch

I hit him as no one behaves like that

To a woman, not on my watch

MY WIFE MISTAKENLY THOUGHT I SAID

My wife mistakenly thought I said

“I’m giving up drinking for a month”

What I meant was “I’m giving up,

And I’m drinking for a month” 

I HAVE A TRICK WHEN I’M STRUGGLING

 

I have a trick when I’m struggling

To get my lovely wife’s attention

I just sit down and look comfortable

And that always gets her attention

OUR THERAPIST BERATED MY WIFE

 

Our therapist berated my wife

Which made me feel very smug

“Embrace your mistakes” she said

So, my wife gave me a big hug

PREGNANT PAUSE

 

My wife said “I’m Pregnant”

I smiled and replied “Hi pregnant,

I’m a Dad” then she was hesitant

Then said “No, you’re not Grant”

DON’T GO IN THERE

 

“Don’t go in there” my wife screamed

“Don’t go in the church you moron”

She drunkenly screamed at the TV

It was clear she had the wedding video on

ALONG CAME A SPIDER

 

My wife found a spider

But told me not to kill it

“You can take it out instead” 

So, we went out for a drink

He was an interesting guy

“I’m a web designer” he said

Uncanny Tales – (074) The Serendipitous Find

 

John and Sharon Daly were moving to Downshire and as they were unfamiliar with the County, they took a week’s holiday to get the lay of the land and look for properties within a 20-mile radius of Abbeyvale, where they would both be working.

It was on their third day when they drove to the south of Northchapel and got lost and ended up in the beautiful village of Chapel Hill.

There was an expanse of green at the centre of the village complete with duckpond and a weeping willow tree.

On the north side of the green was the pub, The Woodcutters Tavern and attached to the side of the pub there was a Stephenson’s general store and post office, across the green from the pub was the church, St Peter’s, with the vicarage to one side and a row of shops ran alongside the road on the West of the green, Buckley’s Greengrocer and Fruiterer’s, Addisons Bakery, Harvey’s Pharmacy, Bizzie Lizzie Florist, Mazzones Hairdressers, Harrisons Hardware and Boddingtons Butchers.

“It seems to have everything here” Sharon said.

“And its lovely”

“Well lets walk over to the Pub and we can go online to see if we can actually afford to live here.”

As they crossed the green, they noticed on the farthest side, at the end of the lane, what appeared to be a “for sale” board.

John and Sharon looked at each other, shrugged and walked towards it.

When they reached the end of the lane they stopped and looked at the board.

“Owen and Hargreaves of Abbottsford,” it read.

John took out a pen and paper and started to write down the phone number.

“Hello there,” said a disembodied voice.

John looked up and saw an elderly lady emerge from behind some shrubbery.

“Did you want to see round the house?” she said removing her gardening glove.

“Well, we haven’t come from the agent,” said Sharon hesitantly.

“We were just out for a drive and stumbled upon the village.”    

“Well, you might as well see it now you’re here,” she said with a smile and opened the gate.

“Come on in” she gestured.

“Come on in I’m Isabelle” she offered her hand and cocked her head.

“Oh, I’m John Daly” he said taking her hand.

“This is my wife, Sharon.”

After introductions they were given the full tour of the house and gardens ending with drinks on the patio.

“I only put the house on the market yesterday” she told them.

“You’re the first to view”

She then told them that since the children, she had six, had grown up and moved away and her husband had “passed on” the house was just too big for her now.

So, she was going to go and live with her daughter in Canada.

“I have the estate agent’s details in the house, it gives all the room sizes and such, I’ll just pop in and get it” she said disappearing through the French doors.

“What do you think?” whispered Sharon.

“It’s lovely” he replied in a whisper “It’s perfect.” 

The house was called “Hill View Cottage” and was nestled in the hillside amidst the remnants of the ancient forest, which was once draped across the whole of the southern landscape.

The garden sloped gently away from the house and as they sat on Isabelle’s patio, they looked out across the valley to the distant town of Abbeyvale, and beyond to the forested hills on the far side of the valley.

“This is the one” she said.

“Let’s make an offer then” John agreed.

MY WIFE WANTED THE HEATING ON

 

My wife wanted the heating on in september

But I didn’t want it on until at least october

In our house its known simply as cold war-fare

I HAVE THE BEST WIFE IN THE WORLD

 

“I have the best wife in the world”

The long-suffering husband said

“She uses the soft end of the broom

When she strikes me across the head”

FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS MARRIED

 

Foghorn Leghorn was married

To Yoyo, An eccentric Hen,

So called because she laid

The same egg again and again

DAPHNE DUCK MARRIED

 

Daphne Duck married

Foghorn Leghorn

And their child woke them

At the quack of dawn

BEING IN ISOLATION WITH MY WIFE

 

Sadly, being in isolation with my wife

Has been to our relationships detriment

And I fear that it will either end

In divorce or more likely life imprisonment

SOMETIMES AFTER THE WEDDING

 

Sometimes after the wedding

Despite the best intentions

There is a Honeymoon period

Causing unlucky abstentions