72 Miles From The Sea

  We went all-inclusive and booked A day out to a water park, with flumes But no-one thought to tell us we needed To take our own swim...

  We requested a twin bed room But we ended up with a king size As a result, my wife is pregnant So that was a nice holiday surprise

When we were on holiday We went swimming in the sea No-one said there would be fish The kids found it very scary  

  Topless sunbathing on the beach Should be universally banned My husband finds it distracting And can’t relax as he planned

The most popular man in a nudist colony Can carry 2 large coffees and twelve donuts The most popular woman in a nudist colony Is the o...

  We had a terrible holiday It was ruined by drunken pests Our tour operator should have Warned us of noisy unruly guests

  We went on a self-catering Luxury break in Bognor    But the fully equipped kitchen Didn’t have an egg separator

  The beach was right outside the hotel Which I suppose was alright But is wasn’t much like the brochure The sand was yellow not white

  The golden beach was outside the hotel Which was really handy But although it looked like the brochure The beach was too sandy

  While we were in Spain I bought a Rolex from an Algerian Which turned out to be a fake I’ll never see those 10 Euros again

  When we were on holiday My wife was bitten by a mosquito Nowhere in the brochure Did it mention mosquitoes

  We had to line up outside To catch the sightseeing boat And there was no air-conditioning Not even when we got afloat

  When we were in Spain there Were a lot of foreigners there  And they all spoke Spanish Which I don’t think is fair

We flew to the West Indies It took nine hours to get there It took the Americans three hours This seems very unfair

  We went on holiday to Spain But the shopkeepers couldn’t be lazier The shops closed in the afternoon I ran out of fags during the Si...

  We went on holiday to Spain The taxi drivers were a nightmare All of them were Spanish Now how can that be fair?

  We went on holiday to Goa in India We won’t go back in a hurry I was disgusted to find that almost Every restaurant served curry

  When we were back In smoggy Bermondsey And all the money was spent We looked back fondly On our September holiday Picking hops i...

  I’m thinking about taking a holiday But I don’t know where to go One possibility is in Suspense That makes the adrenalin flow

  I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable The people suffered poverty and starvation All the inhabitant had to live in their cars...