72 Miles From The Sea

  I always knock on the fridge Before I open it, no messing Just in case when I look inside I find there’s a salad dressing

  The are many Types of Pasta But a Spagelini Is an impasta

  When I said I would make a bike out of spaghetti, I was greeted by the sound of my wife’s laughter Well she was laughing on the other ...

  People who sell meat are disgusting Even if it’s halal or kosher But then I’ve heard that people Who sell fruit and veg, are grocer

  I heard on the grapevine that Cadbury Are moving production to China Which will involve some rebranding For example the Chinese Wisp...

  If I discovered a new species, An animal to suit the agrarians I would have to name it Quorn To really mess with vegetarians

Chinese Gooseberries aren’t Chinese Imagine my shock at being misled They do not originate from China at all    But come from New Zeal...

  Homemade pizza Is absolute bliss And it’s so easy It’s a pizza piss

  I went to a cheese function For cheese from Brie to Blue When the hot cheese appeared It all became a really fun do

They do very odd things with spuds Nowadays some of which seem crazy When I was young people who didn't Peel potatoes were regarde...

  “You’ve burned the dinner again” he said To the plate with the burnt offering on “It’s not burned, its caramelized” she retorted “We...

  Why do the French eat snails? It’s an odd habit, without being rude The only explanation I can find Is that the French don’t like fa...

  When his food arrived He saw something distressing “There’s a button in my salad” The waiter said, messing “That's all right, ...

  A new desiccated snack pot Of dried dog and noodles Are on sale in North Korea They’re called Not Poodles

  Peperami is a bit of an animal Is the pitch the adverts hit But its animal origins aside I would like to know “what bit”

  A customer said “I want to swap a bag Of sultanas for two bags of raisins mate” “I can only give you one bag” he was told “Because t...

  My girlfriend works in a Chinese kitchen And the sauces she must skilfully render Which is quite ironic really when you hear The way...

  I upset my granddaughter When she stayed recently I made a faux pas, as I thought That Pepper Pig was a recipe

  We were eating at an Indian restaurant When we received news of the trauma We all found it very distressing My naan had slipped into...

  Why are eggs packed in containers That are the flimsiest I’ve ever seen But batteries are in plastic packs You can only open with a ...