72 Miles From The Sea

  I like to read crime fiction Or detective solving tomes My latest is a lucky sleuth He’s called Sheerluck Holmes

  My Doctor told me to Take two tablets four times a day That probably explains Why I was arrested at the mall today

  I trapped a couple of Vegan burglars In my basement to my total disbelief At least I assumed they were Vegan Because they keep shout...

  To the man in the wheelchair Yes I know that you’re the one Who stole my camo jacket, well You can hide but you can’t run

  I’m in my fifties now and I started drinking when I was 15, which was in the early 1970’s. I always looked older than my age, though not...

  There are some who say Money can’t buy everything Of course, there are others Who just resort to shoplifting

You must leave lights on in the buildings When you lock up and go home at night For if burglars hurt themselves in the dark Its certain you...

  A body was found in a drain That someone tried to hide The police suspect foul play And have ruled out Sewercide

  Shoplifters are a scourge Stealing goods from the shelves So, Shoplifters Anonymous Helps people to help themselves

  Uncle John the fence, has passed away And the news has left me feeling sorry But I have to say it was poetic justice Because he fell...

  A Parrot sat on a custody chair And continually prattled on In fact he sang like a canary So he was a real Stool Pigeon

  I didn't know that my dad Was a street furniture larcenist But at my dad’s home, were All the signs that I’d missed

  The police have now been issued, with pencils And very thin sheets of paper, all very low tech, It’s a brand-new initiative being roll...

  Some youths are breaking into cars, They are reprehensible little devils, And they do it in multi-story car parks Which is wrong on ...

  Social distancing and self-isolation Is not a difficult thing to implement When you’re in Wormwood Scrubs And placed in solitary con...

  Are you wearing custodial wear? And that must be three days You must stop thinking about prisons Your mind works in Strangeways

  I was trying to explain puns With a great degree of difficulty To a group of kleptomaniacs But they just take things literally

  I suffer from kleptomania I have to admit But when it gets bad, I take something for it

  He survived mustard gas in battle, He was pepper sprayed by a policeman And the result of those traumatic events He was rendered a s...

  The theft of a whole shop in Regents Street was caught on CCTV But police are appealing for anyone Who saw people taking Liberty...