72 Miles From The Sea

  As an iconic film Heroine Livvie graced the silver screen And in Tinsel Towns heyday She was a Hollywood queen   But Olivia Mary...

  Giving kids a bad name Is one of life’s absurdities But those who really give kids A bad name are, celebrities

  When she returned home, she said She had been sleeping under the stars Which meant, she’d been having sex With celebrities that ...

  I spoke to Diana Ross Several times on the mobile But I didn’t want her Dyno-Rod was what I dialled

  A man in love is incomplete Until he is married According Zsa Zsa Gabor And then he’s finished

  Jay Z has a favourite cheese I fancy And if I’m not mistaken It’s Brieoncé

  Lily Tomlin always Wanted to be somebody She could have been More specific probably A paraphrasing of one of the great Lily Toml...

  The Cillit Bang guy is Punting it out here and there So is Barry Scott now A soap scum millionaire

  The poetic Pam Ayres Wrote verse with a gag And I think she looks Like Benny Hill in drag

  A contagion struck down Quentin Tarantino Now he’s in the hospital In a tent in quarantino

  Posh and Becks lookalikes Could be their twin But they go by the name Of Thick and Thin

Horsey Claire Balding Is always with a nag I think she looks like Stephen Fry in drag

  I struggle with certain actors When giving cinematic recitals Like De Niro and Pacino They should come with subtitles

  I can’t watch Sylvester Stallone I find his speech very distracting He was clearly a graduate Of the Mumbling school of acting

  When the tragic death Was announced on the news Of the Oscar winning actor My wife didn’t have a clue Which prompted her to say ...

I can’t watch Christopher Eccleston I find his speech very distracting He was clearly a graduate Of the shouty school of acting  

  Cheryl Cole like other celebs Feels she’d like to do her bit And she wants to fight Malaria Because you’re worth it

  When they told Cheryl Cole That she had la fièvre malerial She just thought it must be A new product from L’Oreal

  My children can never forgive That interfering Jamie Oliver For bring about the early demise Of their favourite Turkey Twizzler

  I don’t go on Twitter To follow celebrity chatter I find them contemptible They should rename it Twatter