My son is like a cat
There’s no doubt of
that
All day long he sleeps
While the daylight
seeps
Then with a few cat licks
He hits the pavement
bricks
And stays out all
night
Returning at first
light
To where he resides
And when he slinks
inside
Without a single word
He brings with him a
tatty bird
If when you look in the mirror
And you see NO beer
belly
NO complexion like
cracked leather
NO bald head or nose
like a strawberry
If when you look in the
mirror
And it doesn’t look
like you have three arses
Or have varicose veins
on your lily-white legs
Then you need to wear
glasses
The pop diva Amy Winehouse
It was announced in the press today
May stay in Frankie Howerd’s old house
if Amy’s Mum manages to get her way
Her mum told her she has to go to rehab
But Amy said nay, nay and thrice nay
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Thanks to a litigious
culture, and a legal vulture
“Ok class, today we will learn
About words with multi
syllables”
The teacher addressed
her class
“Does anyone have an
example?”
One boy put up his
hand
“Please miss I have an
example”
He wrote on the blackboard
“Mas-tur-bate”
Then said “that is my
example”
The teacher was a
little embarrassed
"Gosh that’s a mouthful."
"No, Miss, you're thinking of a blowjob
And that has fewer
syllables”
I went to a funeral today
What a totally depressing day
In was a humanist service
Cold and utterly soulless
With some mumbling buffoon
Waffling on in monotone
A couple of poorly read poems
From some well-thumbed tomes
And ended in a fit of irony
To the tune of “stay with me”
He was not religious I will concede
But even a man lacking a creed
Should be launched into oblivion
To the sound of a rousing requiem
When looking for a partner
Be a little smart
And pay attention to this wisdom
I wish to impart
Good looks will catch their eye
Which is a good start
But it takes a good personality
To catch their heart
