Detective Inspector Bill Overend often referred to himself as “optimistically middle aged”, because although there was no guarantee that he was in the middle of his life, he was nonetheless optimistic.
He was actually forty-five years old, at least for another twenty-one days, and he knew only two well that he had long since seen the middle of his life.
He described himself as “a well made man” not in a conceited way and not in the terms of an Adonis or someone of Herculean stature but more like solid, sturdy or robust some might even say, “Well built”.
But he liked to be thought of as “well made” it was an old fashioned expression, which his father always used, and he liked it for that reason as much as any other.
The few enemies he had were less flattering about his 6 foot 4 inch 18 stone presence.
But he was a popular man in the job as well as out of it.
As if his height and size did not make him distinctive enough he also had close-cropped Grey hair, that is, what had not already fallen out had turned Grey, and a predominantly Grey beard.
His children often told him he had his head on upside down.
It was a cold March night, well early morning actually, as he stood alone in the back garden of his four bed roomed detached home in the idyllic village of Chapel Hill.
He and his family had lived there for almost ten years.
They all loved it there so much.
Life had been good to them and they had a very comfortable and rewarding life.
It had not always been so.
It had taken a combination of hard work and good fortune in equal measure to get to where he was today.
He and his wife of twenty-six years, Sally, had always been happy in each other’s company but life had been more difficult and testing at times.
When they were first married they had a dingy two room flat in Nettlefield, a sprawling commuter town about ten miles and nearly twenty-five years away from where he now stood.
They got out of there after two long years of hard work, with Bill doing as much overtime as he could get, and Sally working days for a Paper Merchant as an office assistant and three evenings, and the occasional weekend, waiting tables at a Pub restaurant.
On the rare occasions that they were not working they spent quiet evenings planning their future and not spending anything.
There only vices being the occasional bottle of wine and smoking roll ups.
So in time they managed to scrape-up enough money for a deposit on a one-bedroom shoebox on a new development on the outskirts of Northchapel.
But they still had to keep working the long hours and extra shifts to meet the mortgage.
Mortgages were new territory for both of them, as no one in Bill’s or Sally’s family had ever owned their own house.
Then after a little over a year in their new home Sally broke the news that she was pregnant.
She was very worried about telling him and she delayed telling him for almost three days before she finally blurted it out, as a result of fear and simple delight and a need to share her joy.
But she need not have worried he was as delighted as she was and they were so exited that they danced around like march hares for what seemed like hours.
Even though this was not part of the plan yet they could not have been happier.
The unexpected news of Sally’s expectancy did cause some problems however the main one being the house was far too small for another person however little they might be.
They could have decided on an abortion and delayed the family a few years but that didn’t sit well with either of them.
And they dismissed the thought almost as soon as it came to mind.
Not that they were part of the anti abortion lobby it just wasn’t for them.
What was meant to be was meant to be.
They put the house on the market and sold it within two days and with the housing market booming they made a very healthy profit.
However the size of house they were looking for they just couldn’t afford.
They could have borrowed the extra money and taken out a bigger mortgage but they would never have been able to meet the payments with only one salary coming in.
Then out of the blue came a turn of good fortune.
There was a knock at the door; it was an old friend of Bills, Dave Butcher.
He had joined the RAF as a aircraft fitter as soon as he was old enough but they had stayed in touch and got together whenever possible.
“Butch” was an only child and had inherited the family home, a three-bed semi in Abbottsford, when his dad died suddenly of a heart attack eighteen months previously.
His mum had died when he was only four from a brain tumor.
Bill and Sally had taken care of the funeral arrangement as the news had hit him hard.
“Butch” and his Dad were very close and he took it really badly.
When they had announced they were getting married, out of all their friends and family only Butch, and Sally’s best friend Janice had supported them.
Everyone else had said they were too young, that they should wait and they should experience life first.
Sally’s parents were horrified when she told them she didn’t want to go to Art College.
That she needed to get a job so she could start saving up because she was going to marry Bill.
They had thought that she would grow out of it that it was just an infatuation, a maturity thing, and when she came to her senses she could just go to Art School the following year instead.
They didn’t know her as well as they thought.
Suffice is to say they didn’t think Bill was good enough for her but then no parent really believes that anyone is good enough for their daughter.
Bills parents didn’t want him to tie himself down so early in his life, even though they loved Sally almost as much as he did, they just wanted them to wait for a year or two.
Never the less they married in 1985.
She was nineteen and he was twenty.
Janice Monk was bridesmaid and Dave Butcher was best man.
When Butch called round he said that he needed a favor as he was being posted to Sardinia for the next three years and he needed someone he could trust to house sit for him.
He still couldn’t bring himself to sell; the place still had too many memories.
“You could rent it out,” Sally suggested.
“It needs doing up before I can let it” Dave countered.
“And I only have 4 weeks leave”
So would they help him out and house sit while he was abroad, rent free, on the condition they did some of the maintenance.
They knew they would not be doing him as much of a favor as he would be doing them.
This was his way of thanking them for being there for him when his dad died.
So they agreed.
They lived there for three years which gave them the time to save for the next move.
The miners strike in the 80’s helped to grow many a Policeman’s savings fund due to overtime and subsistence payments.
It was on the last occasion after returning from a stint in the Nottinghamshire coalfields that Bill found himself in the right place at the right time.
There had been a gruesome discovery in woodland near the sleepy village of Pepperstock Green, The murdered and mutilated bodies of Anne Gresty and Juliana Molesworth.
Detective Inspector Walter Quilty had been asked to put a murder squad together to investigate and Bill was picked for the squad.
This great opportunity came at a time when he had pretty much given up any ambitions to be a detective, he thought he would just study for his Sergeants exam and stay in uniform
Getting onto a murder squad was one of the most difficult things in the life of a P.C. but not as difficult as staying on it or indeed joining CID permanently.
One of the older hands on the squad told him “The trick is to get noticed, but for the right reasons, and without it being obvious you are trying to get noticed”
He wasn’t prepared to play that kind of game; it seemed more trouble than it was worth.
He decided to leave all the tactics and brown nosing to his more ambitious peers.
Besides because of his size he was a difficult man not to notice.
So he would have to make sure he did what he was asked and hope for the best.
He needn’t have worried.
Quilty had noticed Bill on several occasions during the course of the investigation and had been impressed with the quiet assuredness in which he handled his assignments and some of the more delicate situations they sometimes found themselves in.
So although he didn’t know it at the time DI Quilty had already earmarked Bill for the team even before Bill turned up the vital links, which lead to the arrest of the killer.
It turned out that the two women were lovers and after thorough searches of their homes Bill discovered that they had a mutual friend.
The mutual friend was Nicola Cuffe, also a lesbian.
She had formerly been involved in a sexual relationship with both of the dead women, although not at the same time.
When she discovered that her former lovers were now lovers themselves it enraged her to the point of committing murder, twice.
The act of mutilation was perpetrated out of sheer spite.
As if finding out Juliana and Anne were lover was not enough she then found their love letters and the knowledge that they were not just lovers but in love as well tipped Nicola over the edge.
So it was a crime of passion.
Detective Inspector Walter Quilty always liked to make new appointments to the team personally.
His favorite location for this, at any station, was the police canteen not because he took any pleasure in the foul brew misleadingly dispensed as tea, But because that was where people tended to be more relaxed and less formal.
Some DI’s liked to do it in the pub over a drink or two.
Walter Quilty didn’t drink himself; he didn’t care if others on the team drank as long as it didn’t affect their work in any way.
So when Quilty walked into the canteen Bill had no idea of his purpose in being there.
Having collected a mug of something brown, wet and luke warm he made his way towards the table occupied by Bill and another PC John Holt.
John was the same age as Bill but joined the force two years after him and they had become firm friends. He and his wife, Mary, were to be godparents to his first child Isabel.
“Morning gentlemen” he said, he sat down and stirred his tea and looked across at John Holt.
John fidgeted nervously and ran his finger inside his collar, excused himself and left.
If he’d stayed under Quilty’s stare any longer he felt he would have confessed to something, anything.
With PC Holt out of the way Walter turned his gaze upon Bill.
“That was good work on the Pepperstock case constable Overend” The DI said looking suspiciously at his tea.
“Thank you sir” Replied Bill
“How would you like get out of uniform permanently?” Quilty asked “and join my team?”
“Very much sir”
“Do you think you can handle it?” Questioned the DI
“Yes sir”
“Ok I’ll square it with Superintendent Foxton” Said Walter as he stood leaving his tea.
“Unless you hear otherwise report to CID tomorrow, eight thirty”
The DI said over his shoulder as he walked away.
“Yes sir”
Isabels birth was followed by another daughter Abigail then sons Daniel and Harry luckily his promotions followed at a similarly frenetic pace.
.
By the time Harry arrived Bill had made Inspector and his boss was promoted to DCI
This was on the back of their success in solving a very high profile child abduction case.
Arresting both abductors as well as securing the child’s release, unharmed.
Bill inherited most of his predecessors team plus the addition of two new transfers Detective Constable Boris Katarski and Detective Sergeant Tom Adamson.
Bill was very much a first impressions kind of person and when he overheard the two men talking he knew they would fit right in..
“Katarski? What sort of name is that? Where the hell does a name like that come from?” asked the DS.
“Cricklewood Sarge” he answered walking away.
“Ask a stupid question” Adamson muttered to himself.
Bill chose Tom Adamson as his DS.
He never regretted it.
The house, “Little Hardings,” was nestled in the hillside amidst the remnants of the ancient forest, which was once draped across the whole of the southern landscape.
The garden sloped gently away from the house and he looked out across the valley to the distant lights of Abbeyvale, the nearest town, and beyond to Grace Hill on the far side of the valley.
He looked up at the clear night sky.
The sky was clear but for the heavens bejeweled with stars, were their more stars in the sky tonight, no of course not, it’s just been a while since he enjoyed the simple pleasure of the night sky.
There was frost in the air and his breath showed like plumes of smoke as he exhaled.
“Smoke.” He heard himself say “if only.”
He found himself wishing he hadn’t stopped smoking, he hadn’t thought about smoking for months.
Bill had stopped smoking nearly a year ago, St George’s day.
He had defeated the nicotine monster as St George had defeated the dragon he would have said it was symbolic were it not for the fact that he hated symbolism so much.
He had been a serious smoker for almost thirty years.
What prompted him to stop?
It certainly wasn’t the insufferable bores who would wave their hands exaggeratedly in front of them and cough irritatingly while simultaneously rolling there tongue out and grimacing when ever they are in a smokers presence.
People like that only make you wish you smoked a pipe.
Nor was it the endless health warnings where smoking was the cause of every illness from cancer and heart disease to athlete’s foot and piles.
Bill always thought that every smoker accepted that smoking was harmful to your health.
But they took a gamble that it wouldn’t happen to them, that was certainly his view.
Even the fact that his brother, who was five years his senior, and a heavy smoker, had had a series of heart attacks when he was Bills age didn’t deter him from smoking.
And he was certainly feeling the effects of smoking like the morning cough and the breathless gasps climbing stairs.
As for National no smoking day he always found it to be an amusing concept.
Many more smokers would participate if there were also a national smoking day when all the sanctimonious little prigs would have to have at least five good drags on a Woodbine.
That would give them something to cough about.
Then there is the annual ritual of the Chancellors Budget, when anything which might give the slightest pleasure to the great unwashed, must be taxed. But even having to pay more for the privilege didn’t persuade him to stop smoking.
What finally pushed him over the edge was the realization of the fact that he was an addict.
He was no longer choosing to be a smoker; he was one because he was addicted.
He was no better than a common junkie.
And that just made him mad.
He’d never really tried quitting before and he wasn’t sure how too.
There were plenty whom did have the solution to his problem and they weren’t backwards in coming forwards.
The funny thing was that most of them had never smoked in their lives.
His Aunt Mary suggested Hypnosis.
He really didn’t fancy hypnosis at all just incase they discovered he was the reincarnated embodiment of Attila the Hun, Vlad the Impaler or even worse a new labor supporter.
The woman in the off license suggested acupuncture.
Acupuncture was never going to do it for him.
He didn’t believe in alternative medicine.
And if you don’t believe in the treatments one hundred percent they will never work.
Also he thought there is something faintly ridiculous about some one who sticks pins in people for a living.
And he lost count of the people who swore by nicotine substitutes, patches, chewing gum, lozenges, tablets or inhalers, all designed to replace the nicotine you would normally get from tobacco.
To his way of thinking if you want an efficient means of getting nicotine into your system then have a fag.
Now as a confirmed cynic he happened to think that nicotine substitutes are more effective at keeping affluent Pharmaceutical companies affluent than helping people to break the habit of smoking.
The addiction was to nicotine after all.
In the end he chose cold turkey, why do they call it that? , He didn’t know.
With a little positive thinking and an awful lot of will power he did it.
It was a lot easier than he thought it was going to be.
The first week was by far the hardest but he did start to feel the benefits, such as more energy, improved sense of taste and smell and tackling the stairs without getting breathless, which boosts you up when your will power might get a little shaky.
He found the hardest things were social events especially those involving alcohol, but it could be done.
He never really suffered any withdrawal symptoms but he has suffered the most extraordinary side effects in the form of unusual and extraordinarily vivid dreams.
Just a few nights ago for example, it should be mentioned that under no circumstances could Bill be described as a Cricket fan.
His knowledge of the game is virtually non-existent, this may seem an odd subject to dream about then when he detests it so much but nonetheless he did.
It amused him greatly as he thought of it.
He had on many occasions described the games rules as unfinished because the games inventor died of boredom before he could complete his work.
He always enjoyed baiting cricket fans with his suggestions as to how to improve the game, such as “tip and run” a concept familiar to most young boys forced to play the game.
Or playing with a burning ball, that would liven up the game.
So why someone so disparaging about the game should dream about it is one of life’s imponderables.
He had been selected to represent England in a test match against the West Indies in Trinidad.
If that wasn’t amazing enough he was to open the batting with Phil Tuffnell, you see even his subconscious knows nothing about Cricket.
Now for some reason there was an unpronounceable Pakistani bowling and Bill hit the last ball of his first over the pavilion for a huge six.
As he began acknowledging the crowd’s applause, Tuffers began walking down the wicket so Bill walked to the middle to meet him, he shook Bills hand warmly and then he reached in to his pocket and brought out a packet of menthol cigarettes and offered him one, and they stood there smoking and soaking in the atmosphere.
As they stared about them they saw the West Indies captain talking animatedly with the umpire and they turned their gaze on Tuffers and Bill and then walked towards them.
Bill naturally thought they were in big trouble and even Phil looked a little nervous.
As they reached the middle the umpire said “I am sorry Gentlemen to interrupt your smoke break but do you think I could trouble you for a match”? And he took out his pipe.
And that was how it continued after every over they would meet in the middle and have a smoke.
And that is fairly typical of the dreams he has from time to time.
I suppose the big questions are firstly, does he miss it?
Yes he does, not that he has cravings.
What he misses is the habit, the ritual and the feel of a cigarette in his hands.
And secondly would he ever smoke again?
Yes in a heartbeat but he would regret it so he refrains.
He would kill for one now though.
He looks at his watch
2.00am.
He shakes his head and sighs.
He is standing in the middle of his lawn in his back garden at 2.00am on a cold march night wearing dressing gown and slippers wishing he hadn’t stopped smoking.
He looked down at his feet and wiggled his toes.
Correction wearing wet slippers and wishing he hadn’t stopped smoking.
Just then bright yellow light spills into the darkness behind him illuminating the lawn but for his large shadow stretching into the darkness.
“Bill are you coming in?” A woman’s voice called softy.
It was his wife Sally also donning dressing gown and slippers.
Sally however, sensibly chose not to venture out into the night air and just put her head out far enough around the French door to call to Bill without waking the neighborhood.
“I’ve made coffee.” She waited a few moments.
“OK sweetheart” Bill returned in equally hushed tones without turning round.
“I’ll be in, in a moment”
He heard the door close and the bright light disappeared as Sally drew the curtain back across the door.
He looked at his watch again 2.05am.
Bill despaired.
He had had some intriguing cases over his career and he was certainly no stranger to sleepless nights, either because of his work or because of the children.
Every parent experiences it at some time even with the best of children.
But this was different this was a new experience.
And it was something totally out of his control he could do nothing.
He could not help in any way, he felt redundant.
He was about to become a Grandfather for the first time.
Sally was sitting in her armchair giving every outward appearance of dignified calm.
She was in her normal corner beneath her lamp, cross-stitching, the normal paraphernalia scattered about her.
But for the fact that she had re-stitched the same area six times she was coping well.
She was wishing now that she had not insisted that her son in law, Paul, phone the moment, Isabel went into labor.
“We could have had a good nights sleep and woken to the happy news” She said to herself.
But it wasn’t the lack of sleep that worried her it was not being with her daughter to help.
She looked at the clock again.
“It hasn’t bloody moved” then she laughed.
She was always onto Bill about swearing.
The door handle rattled as Bill opened the door, there was some fumbling behind the curtain and then Bill appeared.
“My feet are wet,” he said
“I’m not surprised” Sally said unsympathetically.
“Your coffee is by your chair but it’s probably cold by now”
Bill sat down and kicked off his slippers and picked up his coffee.
Putting the mug to his lips he took a mouth full and grimaced
“Uh that’s horrible” and put down the mug.
Sally set her stitching to one side and got up.
“You go and dry your feet and I’ll make some fresh” she said and took his cup.
“It’s all right love I’ll do it, it’s my own fault its cold, you carry on with your stitching” Bill protested.
Sally reached to her full five feet two inch height and kissed him warmly.
“Go and dry your feet,” she said
Bill hugged her to his chest and kissed her forehead.
“I love you,” he said
She reached up and kissed him again.
“Of course you do, why wouldn’t you love me I am wonderful after all” she walked nonchalantly out of the room suddenly her head reappeared around the door.
“I love you too”
They both laughed helplessly.
It was amazing how, no matter how old he got, he still loved her as much as he did when he first saw her all those years ago.
It was 4.00am.
Sally had gone back to bed at three o’clock but Bill had decided to sit up a little longer. He should have gone to bed with Sally as he was fighting to keep his eyes open.
He had been struggling with the “long blinks” for the last half hour.
The blinks were getting longer and longer and.
Bill was hacking his way through the dense jungle with a machete while Stanley and Livingston offered words of encouragement.
Bill stopped to mop his brow with his handkerchief.
“Let’s press on Overend” called Stanley.
Bill acknowledged Stanley and went to work again with the machete in a short while he broke through into a large clearing.
Very soon thirty or forty pygmies surrounded them from a previously undiscovered tribe.
They were led through the jungle by the fierce looking pygmies for about an hour until they suddenly found themselves in the pygmy’s village.
The pygmies spoke a very strange language that none of them had ever heard before yet funnily enough they could understand every word.
They were introduced to the tribal chief amid great ceremony and then they were led into a large hut.
The hut was lined with the tribal elders and the visitors were introduced in turn finally they were invited to sit in close proximity to the Chief.
After a magnificent feast, complete with music and dancing girls, the Chief clapped his hands three times and a serving girl came into the hut carrying a large tray.
She presented it to the chief and he gestured grandly to his guests and the serving girl offered round a box of Henri Winterman slim panatela cigars.
Bill woke with a start.
“No I don’t do that anymore”
He looked around the room and for a moment he didn’t know where he was.
Looking down he saw the cat curled up on his lap and he stroked her.
“Hello Blackberry old girl”
He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.
He replaced his glasses and looked at the clock.
6.40am.
“Breakfast time eh girl”
She jumped down purring loudly and trotted off in the direction of the kitchen.
Getting to his feet Bill paused to stretch then he walked to the French doors and threw back the curtains letting in the weak morning light.
The cat mewed loudly from the kitchen doorway and Bill turned and walked towards the kitchen.
“Ok you stupid creature I'm coming”
As he walked into the kitchen he picked up the kettle and checked the level, finding it sufficiently full he replaced it on the stand and switched it on.
Then he opened a cupboard and took out a sachet of cat food and a clean bowl.
The cat was in a frenzy not knowing whether to meow or purr and performing figures of eight around Bills Feet
“Ok Berry, ok, here it is, anyone would think you’d never been fed before”
Bill placed the bowl on the cats mat then he turned his attention to the tea.
With the cat fed and the tea made Bill took a sip of his coffee before he made his way upstairs with Sally’s cup of tea.
He walked into their bedroom and walked around to Sally’s side of the room,
“Cup of tea Sal” he said as he put her tea down on the bedside cabinet.
“Thanks love” she said sleepily
“What’s the time?”
“Just after seven” Bill said as he sat down on the edge of the bed his coffee in hand.
“Any news yet?” she asked
“No” Bill yawned “not a thing”
Just at that moment the phone rang, Bill and Sally looked at each other.
Sally reached out her left hand and clasped Bills hand tightly and with her other hand she picked up the phone.
“Hello”
“Paul? Hello what news?”
A Pause.
“A boy, that’s fantastic, seven pounds eight ounces”
She’s looking at Bill all the time.
“A good size”
Another pause to absorb more information
“Mother and baby both doing well”
She let go of Bills hand to wipe her eyes
“Oh Paul we’re so proud”
She wipes away another tear.
“Yes we would love to, ok well see you later bye”
Bill put down his coffee in preparation.
Sally hung up the phone looked at Bill and dissolved into tears and launched herself into his arms.
After the tears had subsided Bill got up and took off his dressing gown then he pulled back the duvet and slipped under the cover and snuggled up close to Sally.
“And what do you think your doing?” said Sally suspiciously
“It just occurred to me that I’ve never made love to a granny before”
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Thursday, 15 July 2010
THE DAY DAD WENT TO BELSEN
The tank stopped abruptly
And we sat open mouthed
At what we beheld
Our brains could not assimilate
What our eyes were seeing
Great mounds of …. What?
It can’t be that.
All the horrors of war
We had witnessed, experienced
Since D-day
Did not prepare us
For what Belsen held in store
A place devoid of God
A place where even birdsong was banished
We dismounted and approached on foot
As each step brought us closer
Our worst fears were realised
We saw that the mounds were indeed bodies
Or something likened to bodies
Then I saw an androgynous figure
Stood at the fence
A dirty little bag of bones
Wrapped in dirty rags
Bony fingers clutching the wire
Like a birds feet gripping a trig
I reasoned it was a girl
As the rags might well have been a dress
“We are English” I said
“Don’t be afraid”
Her fleshless face was beyond gaunt,
Her shaved head little more than a skull
Her huge eyes were so black and deep
I could see into her soul
A weak smile played round her mouth
And tears welled up in her huge eyes
I would not have believed it possible
For her desiccated form
To have held enough moisture for tears
But they were there
And they ran down the grubby cheeks
Of the little bag of bones
And dripped onto her ragged dress
We ran to the gates
And forced them open
Then we stepped into the jaws of hell
More skeletal figure appeared
From amidst the piles of rotting corpses
Bemused and disbelieving
They hugged us, and thanked us
Some cried, some laughed
We gave them water
And fed them our rations
Not realising we were finishing
What the Germans had started
The food was too rich
For their weak emaciated bodies
What we didn’t realise
Was we were killing them with kindness
The girls name was Elise
She was the same age as me
But she died the next day
Her face with the huge tear filled eyes
Haunted my dreams
All of the days of my life
Penetrating my soul
And breaking my heart
My only consolation
Was that she at least knew kindness
Once more before she died
And we sat open mouthed
At what we beheld
Our brains could not assimilate
What our eyes were seeing
Great mounds of …. What?
It can’t be that.
All the horrors of war
We had witnessed, experienced
Since D-day
Did not prepare us
For what Belsen held in store
A place devoid of God
A place where even birdsong was banished
We dismounted and approached on foot
As each step brought us closer
Our worst fears were realised
We saw that the mounds were indeed bodies
Or something likened to bodies
Then I saw an androgynous figure
Stood at the fence
A dirty little bag of bones
Wrapped in dirty rags
Bony fingers clutching the wire
Like a birds feet gripping a trig
I reasoned it was a girl
As the rags might well have been a dress
“We are English” I said
“Don’t be afraid”
Her fleshless face was beyond gaunt,
Her shaved head little more than a skull
Her huge eyes were so black and deep
I could see into her soul
A weak smile played round her mouth
And tears welled up in her huge eyes
I would not have believed it possible
For her desiccated form
To have held enough moisture for tears
But they were there
And they ran down the grubby cheeks
Of the little bag of bones
And dripped onto her ragged dress
We ran to the gates
And forced them open
Then we stepped into the jaws of hell
More skeletal figure appeared
From amidst the piles of rotting corpses
Bemused and disbelieving
They hugged us, and thanked us
Some cried, some laughed
We gave them water
And fed them our rations
Not realising we were finishing
What the Germans had started
The food was too rich
For their weak emaciated bodies
What we didn’t realise
Was we were killing them with kindness
The girls name was Elise
She was the same age as me
But she died the next day
Her face with the huge tear filled eyes
Haunted my dreams
All of the days of my life
Penetrating my soul
And breaking my heart
My only consolation
Was that she at least knew kindness
Once more before she died
FACETS OF LOVE
WHEN WILL THE LIGHTNING STRIKE?
When will the lightning strike?
When will the thunder roar?
When will that moment come?
When love knocks at my door
When will the drum beat out?
When will love’s music play?
When will that moment come?
When love finally looks my way
SHELTERED LOVE
I don’t know the minute or the hour
When God decided from his exalted tower
To make us both shelter from that shower
And to make our love bloom like a flower
I RESOLVED TO GROW OLD WITH YOU
On the first day we met
I gave to you my heart
I gave to you my soul
I gave to you my love
And I resolved to grow old with you
You have been my beacon
My guiding light
You have been my friend
The love of my life
And I resolved to grow old with you
Now is the saddest time
Now my heart breaks
Now my soul cries
Now my love hurts
I so wanted to grow old with you
Now after we have parted
Your heart beats in another chest
Your soul abides above
Your love is eternal
And I must grow old alone
LOVE AMONGST THE STARS
When you give your heart to another
You bathe in the warmth of the sun
You walk tall upon the earth
Tall enough to touch the stars
You make love beneath the moon
And Venus guides your path
As you navigate the Milky Way
But when you are cast aside
You crash back down to earth
And inhabit planet Solitude
When will the lightning strike?
When will the thunder roar?
When will that moment come?
When love knocks at my door
When will the drum beat out?
When will love’s music play?
When will that moment come?
When love finally looks my way
SHELTERED LOVE
I don’t know the minute or the hour
When God decided from his exalted tower
To make us both shelter from that shower
And to make our love bloom like a flower
I RESOLVED TO GROW OLD WITH YOU
On the first day we met
I gave to you my heart
I gave to you my soul
I gave to you my love
And I resolved to grow old with you
You have been my beacon
My guiding light
You have been my friend
The love of my life
And I resolved to grow old with you
Now is the saddest time
Now my heart breaks
Now my soul cries
Now my love hurts
I so wanted to grow old with you
Now after we have parted
Your heart beats in another chest
Your soul abides above
Your love is eternal
And I must grow old alone
LOVE AMONGST THE STARS
When you give your heart to another
You bathe in the warmth of the sun
You walk tall upon the earth
Tall enough to touch the stars
You make love beneath the moon
And Venus guides your path
As you navigate the Milky Way
But when you are cast aside
You crash back down to earth
And inhabit planet Solitude
IN THE NAME OF GOD
WE STILL BELIEVE IN YOU
Master of the universe
Great architect of nature
Builder of the galaxies
Every facet and feature
Don’t listen to our silence
Most benevolent creator
And think us unworthy
Don’t condemn us like a traitor
We are misguided only
That is just our nature
We will turn to you again
For man is a fickle creature
BY GODS GRACE
At the end I am serenely at peace
In the moments of my final hour
I feel the presence of the Lord
Who gently plucks me like a flower
Master of the universe
Great architect of nature
Builder of the galaxies
Every facet and feature
Don’t listen to our silence
Most benevolent creator
And think us unworthy
Don’t condemn us like a traitor
We are misguided only
That is just our nature
We will turn to you again
For man is a fickle creature
BY GODS GRACE
At the end I am serenely at peace
In the moments of my final hour
I feel the presence of the Lord
Who gently plucks me like a flower
GULF OF MEXICO
THE GULF OF MEXICO
It’s great to watch Obama
Playing his presidential games
Talking about kicking ass
And taking names
He reminds me of King Canute
Standing on the beach
As his political grasp
Exposes the shortness of his reach
I think the irony of the situation
Is well suited
As one of the great polluters
Have now become the polluted
THE GULF IS EVIDENT
The gulf is evident
Between man and president
The gulf is clear
Between success and failure
The gulf is a disaster
For president Obama
A GULF OF DIFFERENCE
I must say I like President Obama
He does his job with great aplomb
But admitting defeat in the gulf
Is a step to which he might have to succumb
For what he faces in the Gulf of Mexico
Is a problem that America can’t bomb
GULF OF IRONY
America doesn’t need to invade
To find oil anymore
Because in an ironic twist of fate
Oil is invading their shore
It’s great to watch Obama
Playing his presidential games
Talking about kicking ass
And taking names
He reminds me of King Canute
Standing on the beach
As his political grasp
Exposes the shortness of his reach
I think the irony of the situation
Is well suited
As one of the great polluters
Have now become the polluted
THE GULF IS EVIDENT
The gulf is evident
Between man and president
The gulf is clear
Between success and failure
The gulf is a disaster
For president Obama
A GULF OF DIFFERENCE
I must say I like President Obama
He does his job with great aplomb
But admitting defeat in the gulf
Is a step to which he might have to succumb
For what he faces in the Gulf of Mexico
Is a problem that America can’t bomb
GULF OF IRONY
America doesn’t need to invade
To find oil anymore
Because in an ironic twist of fate
Oil is invading their shore
Assorted Humour
HELP LINE
I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
“Where are you ringing from Mrs. Brown”?
I of course replied “from the waist down”
DINNER QUESTION
My wife was in the kitchen
And she began to chat
“What would you like darling”
I heard from where I sat
“Chicken, fish or lamb
Or some beef without the fat”
“I think I’ll have the chicken
And I can have white wine with that”
“You’ve got beans on toast you idiot
I was talking to the cat”
FACE VALUE
You worry so much about your appearance
You fret about your nose being too big
Your mouth too wide and your lips too thin
But be assured people really don’t give a fig
For while you display your magnificent breasts
Encased sensually within black lace
Any imperfections you have will go unnoticed
Because no one is looking at your face
ROSES WERE RED
Roses were red, violets were blue
No one in the bar was prettier than you
I brought you home I was over the moon
In the morning I sing a different tune
My eyes are red, my complexion green
The sight of you makes me want to scream
TOILET TRAINING
When its time to siphon the python
First adjust the angle of dangle
And aim true, at the loo
You’ll stand in your own piss, if you miss
Don’t get in a muddle and leave a puddle
When finished shake the snake
Or tap the old chap
Make sure the eye is dry
As you stand there, have a care
Don’t go yet and stow wet
Or you’ll feel the warm glow, down below
SUNDAY SCHOOL QUERY
Joshua was asked at a Sunday school meeting
“Do you say a prayer at home before eating”?
Joshua was puzzled at the query, truth to tell
“No we don't have too, my Mum cooks very well”
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
I lie awake in the wee small hours
Unable to just drift away
My mind is constantly replaying
All the events of the day
I’ve tossed and I’ve turned
I even counted sheep for a bit
Now I find my foot has gone to sleep
And I long to catch up with it
IBS
“You have an irritable bowel”
My doctor told me today
It didn’t surprise me at all
It was inevitable in a way
Because I’m a very irritable man
Harsh but true I would say
So why should my bowel
Behave in any other way
MY CAT STORY
The teacher questioned Samuel about his homework
“I have just read your story entitled “my cat”
And it is almost exactly the same as your brothers
What do you have to say to that”?
“Well I didn’t copy Joshua’s story miss” Samuel said
“It’s just that well, we have the same cat”
IF YOU ASK A STUPID QUESTION
Joshua was caught talking to a friend during assembly
“What do you call a person” asked the headmaster
“Who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested”?
Joshua thought and to great applause he said “A teacher”
THE MAN AINT GOT NO CULTURE
My friend reads cheap fiction
Consuming it like a vulture
But he’s not a stupid man
He simply has no culture
In fact the closest he gets
To any form of cultural flirt
Would be when he partakes
In his favourite yogurt
EARLY ARRIVAL
At premature ejaculators anonymous
I sat all alone in the meeting room
And I pondered my solitary situation
And concluded that I just came too soon
I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
“Where are you ringing from Mrs. Brown”?
I of course replied “from the waist down”
DINNER QUESTION
My wife was in the kitchen
And she began to chat
“What would you like darling”
I heard from where I sat
“Chicken, fish or lamb
Or some beef without the fat”
“I think I’ll have the chicken
And I can have white wine with that”
“You’ve got beans on toast you idiot
I was talking to the cat”
FACE VALUE
You worry so much about your appearance
You fret about your nose being too big
Your mouth too wide and your lips too thin
But be assured people really don’t give a fig
For while you display your magnificent breasts
Encased sensually within black lace
Any imperfections you have will go unnoticed
Because no one is looking at your face
ROSES WERE RED
Roses were red, violets were blue
No one in the bar was prettier than you
I brought you home I was over the moon
In the morning I sing a different tune
My eyes are red, my complexion green
The sight of you makes me want to scream
TOILET TRAINING
When its time to siphon the python
First adjust the angle of dangle
And aim true, at the loo
You’ll stand in your own piss, if you miss
Don’t get in a muddle and leave a puddle
When finished shake the snake
Or tap the old chap
Make sure the eye is dry
As you stand there, have a care
Don’t go yet and stow wet
Or you’ll feel the warm glow, down below
SUNDAY SCHOOL QUERY
Joshua was asked at a Sunday school meeting
“Do you say a prayer at home before eating”?
Joshua was puzzled at the query, truth to tell
“No we don't have too, my Mum cooks very well”
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
I lie awake in the wee small hours
Unable to just drift away
My mind is constantly replaying
All the events of the day
I’ve tossed and I’ve turned
I even counted sheep for a bit
Now I find my foot has gone to sleep
And I long to catch up with it
IBS
“You have an irritable bowel”
My doctor told me today
It didn’t surprise me at all
It was inevitable in a way
Because I’m a very irritable man
Harsh but true I would say
So why should my bowel
Behave in any other way
MY CAT STORY
The teacher questioned Samuel about his homework
“I have just read your story entitled “my cat”
And it is almost exactly the same as your brothers
What do you have to say to that”?
“Well I didn’t copy Joshua’s story miss” Samuel said
“It’s just that well, we have the same cat”
IF YOU ASK A STUPID QUESTION
Joshua was caught talking to a friend during assembly
“What do you call a person” asked the headmaster
“Who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested”?
Joshua thought and to great applause he said “A teacher”
THE MAN AINT GOT NO CULTURE
My friend reads cheap fiction
Consuming it like a vulture
But he’s not a stupid man
He simply has no culture
In fact the closest he gets
To any form of cultural flirt
Would be when he partakes
In his favourite yogurt
EARLY ARRIVAL
At premature ejaculators anonymous
I sat all alone in the meeting room
And I pondered my solitary situation
And concluded that I just came too soon
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 148
Elsie Marley's grown so fine,
She won't get up to feed the swine,
But lies in bed 'till eight or nine!
Doing the farm hands two at a time
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 149
Baby dear, good night, good night,
Doggie lies in slumbers deep;
Hush-a-bye, my treasure bright,
Pussy, too, is fast asleep.
So the question I must make
Is why are you still wide awake?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 150
As I was going up Pippen Hill,
Pippen Hill was dirty.
There I met a pretty miss
And she was very flirty
As I was going down Pippen Hill,
I left the girl so flirty
Pippen Hill was quite clean
But the girl was very dirty
Elsie Marley's grown so fine,
She won't get up to feed the swine,
But lies in bed 'till eight or nine!
Doing the farm hands two at a time
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 149
Baby dear, good night, good night,
Doggie lies in slumbers deep;
Hush-a-bye, my treasure bright,
Pussy, too, is fast asleep.
So the question I must make
Is why are you still wide awake?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 150
As I was going up Pippen Hill,
Pippen Hill was dirty.
There I met a pretty miss
And she was very flirty
As I was going down Pippen Hill,
I left the girl so flirty
Pippen Hill was quite clean
But the girl was very dirty
THE DOMESTIC GAME
The beautiful game
Is one of different hues
It can redden your face
And cause marital blues
Especially when you add
An excess of cheap booze
When victory is achieved
Sex often ensues
But it’s a different story
If he watches them lose
He’ll wear a football shirt
And she’ll wear a bruise
The bigger the match
The shorter his fuse
As he rants and raves
She shakes in her shoes
At the final whistle
Full of anger and booze
He wears red and white
She wears black and blue
Is one of different hues
It can redden your face
And cause marital blues
Especially when you add
An excess of cheap booze
When victory is achieved
Sex often ensues
But it’s a different story
If he watches them lose
He’ll wear a football shirt
And she’ll wear a bruise
The bigger the match
The shorter his fuse
As he rants and raves
She shakes in her shoes
At the final whistle
Full of anger and booze
He wears red and white
She wears black and blue
THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB
THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB # 1
Rafa is staying at Anfield
So no new regime is brewing
There is no new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great relief
That no new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing
THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB # 2
Rafa is leaving Anfield
So a new regime is brewing
There is a new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great shame
That a new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing
Rafa is staying at Anfield
So no new regime is brewing
There is no new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great relief
That no new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing
THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB # 2
Rafa is leaving Anfield
So a new regime is brewing
There is a new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great shame
That a new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing
Thursday, 1 July 2010
World Cup South Africa 2010
FAIR PLAY DIAGO
At the world cup
Maradona has called for fair play
And he wants referees
To understand the meaning he says
He could perhaps give FIFA
An example of fair play
Like not punching the ball into the net
That would be one way
A DISAPPOINTING DRAW, ENGLAND 0, ALGERIA 0,
“We are disappointed with the draw
Against this piss poor team today”
“We consider it two points dropped”
Said a spokesman of the Algerian FA
DON CAPELLO
Don Capello spoke of the “Big Mistake”
And a big performance is his wish
But sadly the outspoken John Terry
Will tonight be sleeping with the fish
INTRUDER ALERT
After security failures
In South Africa
Surrounding England
In particular
FIFA want to ascertain
How certain individuals
Could gain entry
Without credentials
To England’s dressing room
The ones causing most worry
Were Emile Heskey
Glen Johnson and Gareth Barry
SINGING THE BLUES
They sing the homesick blues
“We miss our families”
These pampered prima donnas
Living in 5 star luxury
In Afghanistan they are home sick
They miss their families
The soldiers living in tents
Under fire from the enemy
They sing the we’re bored blues
“There‘s like nothing to do”
Like a bunch of seven year olds
Not men of over 22
We are so bored with these players
And their incessant whining
Waited on hand and foot
Living it up on 5 star dinning
They sing the we’re tired blues
Like we have any sympathy
Only having to play once a week
Then after training they are free
We’re tired waiting for our heroes
When eleven strangers appear
Where are the premiership stars?
Who play weekly without fear
We sing the England blues
As each tournament comes around
When each and every time
Our dreams lie tattered on the ground
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
I never expected us to win the cup
That was always inconceivable
But if we played to our potential
The Quarter finals were achievable
But when the first ball was kicked
They were more nightmare than dream
So I just wanted them to do their best
Clearly too much to ask of our team
POINTING THE FINGER
We were predictable, disorganized and poor
Our ineptitude was there for all to see
But as much as the players failed to turn up
And performed disappointingly
We were tactically bereft as well
Because Fabio Capello has no plan B
THEY’RE HAVING A LAUGH
Cole and King were seen
Laughing hysterically
Just a few hours
After defeat to Germany
I saw no humour
In the way England plays
In fact I haven’t laughed
For the past two days
A SWIFT EXIT
England left for the airport
On the wrong bus, apparently
For emblazoned on its side was
“Playing with pride and glory”
England’s bus was possibly stolen
You will recognise it quite easily
For emblazoned on its side is
“Playing with sloth and lethargy”
WELL MY LORD, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
Did you think Lord Triesman mad, for saying?
That referees might me bribed by Spain
If so, did watching the sending off of Costa
Give you any doubt and make you think again
CAPDEVILA, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
Capdevila has reached the pinnacle
Of herculean World Cup feats
He has joined the pantheon
Of notorious world cup cheats
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
We were rubbish in South Africa
But we should stop the whining
For no matter how black the cloud
There is always a silver lining
We were rubbish in South Africa
And we get no second chance
But at least we can safely say
That we were not as bad as France
INTERNATIONAL BAN
Goodluck Jonathon’s response to the failure
Of the Nigeria team in South Africa
Is to ban them from internationals
For the next two year which is radical
The English FA considered doing the same
For the good of the English game
But decided not to at an FA meeting
As no one would notice England not competing
HOWARDS END - SOUTH AFRICA 2010
Well England made it to the final
Though alas only the refereeing chap
But like the England team before him
Howard Webb was really crap
At the world cup
Maradona has called for fair play
And he wants referees
To understand the meaning he says
He could perhaps give FIFA
An example of fair play
Like not punching the ball into the net
That would be one way
A DISAPPOINTING DRAW, ENGLAND 0, ALGERIA 0,
“We are disappointed with the draw
Against this piss poor team today”
“We consider it two points dropped”
Said a spokesman of the Algerian FA
DON CAPELLO
Don Capello spoke of the “Big Mistake”
And a big performance is his wish
But sadly the outspoken John Terry
Will tonight be sleeping with the fish
INTRUDER ALERT
After security failures
In South Africa
Surrounding England
In particular
FIFA want to ascertain
How certain individuals
Could gain entry
Without credentials
To England’s dressing room
The ones causing most worry
Were Emile Heskey
Glen Johnson and Gareth Barry
SINGING THE BLUES
They sing the homesick blues
“We miss our families”
These pampered prima donnas
Living in 5 star luxury
In Afghanistan they are home sick
They miss their families
The soldiers living in tents
Under fire from the enemy
They sing the we’re bored blues
“There‘s like nothing to do”
Like a bunch of seven year olds
Not men of over 22
We are so bored with these players
And their incessant whining
Waited on hand and foot
Living it up on 5 star dinning
They sing the we’re tired blues
Like we have any sympathy
Only having to play once a week
Then after training they are free
We’re tired waiting for our heroes
When eleven strangers appear
Where are the premiership stars?
Who play weekly without fear
We sing the England blues
As each tournament comes around
When each and every time
Our dreams lie tattered on the ground
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
I never expected us to win the cup
That was always inconceivable
But if we played to our potential
The Quarter finals were achievable
But when the first ball was kicked
They were more nightmare than dream
So I just wanted them to do their best
Clearly too much to ask of our team
POINTING THE FINGER
We were predictable, disorganized and poor
Our ineptitude was there for all to see
But as much as the players failed to turn up
And performed disappointingly
We were tactically bereft as well
Because Fabio Capello has no plan B
THEY’RE HAVING A LAUGH
Cole and King were seen
Laughing hysterically
Just a few hours
After defeat to Germany
I saw no humour
In the way England plays
In fact I haven’t laughed
For the past two days
A SWIFT EXIT
England left for the airport
On the wrong bus, apparently
For emblazoned on its side was
“Playing with pride and glory”
England’s bus was possibly stolen
You will recognise it quite easily
For emblazoned on its side is
“Playing with sloth and lethargy”
WELL MY LORD, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
Did you think Lord Triesman mad, for saying?
That referees might me bribed by Spain
If so, did watching the sending off of Costa
Give you any doubt and make you think again
CAPDEVILA, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
Capdevila has reached the pinnacle
Of herculean World Cup feats
He has joined the pantheon
Of notorious world cup cheats
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
We were rubbish in South Africa
But we should stop the whining
For no matter how black the cloud
There is always a silver lining
We were rubbish in South Africa
And we get no second chance
But at least we can safely say
That we were not as bad as France
INTERNATIONAL BAN
Goodluck Jonathon’s response to the failure
Of the Nigeria team in South Africa
Is to ban them from internationals
For the next two year which is radical
The English FA considered doing the same
For the good of the English game
But decided not to at an FA meeting
As no one would notice England not competing
HOWARDS END - SOUTH AFRICA 2010
Well England made it to the final
Though alas only the refereeing chap
But like the England team before him
Howard Webb was really crap
ITS OFFICIAL, I’M AN OLD MAN
I was sitting in my car, which was parked in a side road behind the church where I was waiting for my wife.
It was a “no through road” and its primary function was as an access road to the shops and its double yellow lines were designed to deter men from waiting for their wives but at six o’clock in the evening we were there in numbers with out fear of causing an obstruction.
It was a warm late afternoon/early evening in June and the bright sun beat down on the car and subsequently we were all sat with our windows down to benefit from the light breeze.
I was leant back in my seat. Eyes closed against the sun, listening to the world cup chatter on the radio when I heard a car horn.
This was not an uncommon occurrence, there was always someone honking for something, I myself was no stranger to the use of the horn, so I didn’t open my eyes and continued to listen to the radio.
Then came a prolonged blast which did open my eyes and caused me to turn to see where it was coming from.
I had to crane my neck to see the source of the noise which was behind me and to the right.
A woman in a large salon car who was trying to exit a car park was waving her hand in an exaggerated gesture which I took to mean “can you move the car back”
I arrived aqt this interpretation mainly because she shouted rather forcefully out of her open window.
“Move back, move back”.
Despite the fact I was not level with the entrance nor was I blocking it in anyway and had she got her positioning right she would have made the maneuver effortlessly,
I pointed out to her quite politely that she was only driving a saloon car and not a tank but this fell on deaf ears so she repeated her demand.
“Move back, move back”
I acceded to her request and reversed back out of harms way but as she was making the turn she stopped and shouted to me through the passenger window.
I was expecting a thank you but instead she shouted in a voice somewhere between Caroline Langrishe and Margot Ledbetter.
“If I didn’t have my daughter in the car I would have something to say to you, you silly old man”
I was so taken by the superciliousness of her comment that I laughed.
This was not the response she was expecting which seemed to fluster her and she missed her gear.
“Are you not even a little bit embarrassed that you can’t maneuver yourself out of a car park”?
She eventually managed to find first gear and lurched forward but then found herself tight up behind the car that was parked in front of me before I moved.
I couldn’t resist the temptation and leant out of my window.
“Would you like me to ask him to move as well”?
She reversed back quickly then lurched forward again only to find she still couldn’t clear the parked car so she through it into reverse again and quickly shot forward.
To my shame the child in me applauded as did the driver of the car in front.
Then a jeweled hand appeared from the drivers’ window and extended a single digit and from the passenger side a smaller hand appeared and gave a thumbs up.
Then the break lights came on as she violently braked sharply, at first I thought she was going to engage us in some witty repartee or that she had noticed her daughters’ supportive gesture but no, it was just that she nearly ran down some poor unsuspecting pedestrian.
The driver of the other car and myself exchanged knowing looks and I chuckled to myself and was still chuckling when my wife arrived and got in the car
It was a “no through road” and its primary function was as an access road to the shops and its double yellow lines were designed to deter men from waiting for their wives but at six o’clock in the evening we were there in numbers with out fear of causing an obstruction.
It was a warm late afternoon/early evening in June and the bright sun beat down on the car and subsequently we were all sat with our windows down to benefit from the light breeze.
I was leant back in my seat. Eyes closed against the sun, listening to the world cup chatter on the radio when I heard a car horn.
This was not an uncommon occurrence, there was always someone honking for something, I myself was no stranger to the use of the horn, so I didn’t open my eyes and continued to listen to the radio.
Then came a prolonged blast which did open my eyes and caused me to turn to see where it was coming from.
I had to crane my neck to see the source of the noise which was behind me and to the right.
A woman in a large salon car who was trying to exit a car park was waving her hand in an exaggerated gesture which I took to mean “can you move the car back”
I arrived aqt this interpretation mainly because she shouted rather forcefully out of her open window.
“Move back, move back”.
Despite the fact I was not level with the entrance nor was I blocking it in anyway and had she got her positioning right she would have made the maneuver effortlessly,
I pointed out to her quite politely that she was only driving a saloon car and not a tank but this fell on deaf ears so she repeated her demand.
“Move back, move back”
I acceded to her request and reversed back out of harms way but as she was making the turn she stopped and shouted to me through the passenger window.
I was expecting a thank you but instead she shouted in a voice somewhere between Caroline Langrishe and Margot Ledbetter.
“If I didn’t have my daughter in the car I would have something to say to you, you silly old man”
I was so taken by the superciliousness of her comment that I laughed.
This was not the response she was expecting which seemed to fluster her and she missed her gear.
“Are you not even a little bit embarrassed that you can’t maneuver yourself out of a car park”?
She eventually managed to find first gear and lurched forward but then found herself tight up behind the car that was parked in front of me before I moved.
I couldn’t resist the temptation and leant out of my window.
“Would you like me to ask him to move as well”?
She reversed back quickly then lurched forward again only to find she still couldn’t clear the parked car so she through it into reverse again and quickly shot forward.
To my shame the child in me applauded as did the driver of the car in front.
Then a jeweled hand appeared from the drivers’ window and extended a single digit and from the passenger side a smaller hand appeared and gave a thumbs up.
Then the break lights came on as she violently braked sharply, at first I thought she was going to engage us in some witty repartee or that she had noticed her daughters’ supportive gesture but no, it was just that she nearly ran down some poor unsuspecting pedestrian.
The driver of the other car and myself exchanged knowing looks and I chuckled to myself and was still chuckling when my wife arrived and got in the car
Monday, 17 May 2010
A MIXED BAG
MATINEE
I don’t like modern films
Over hyped, over killed
They so often disappoint
The audiences once thrilled
I find now as I get older
The most joy that I can muster
Is from watching an old favourite
Than a modern blockbuster
THE COURTING RULE
When I was courting
Many years ago
I had a golden rule
Which I liked to follow
This ruled applied
To certain criteria
Namely that the girl
Should live in the same area
In extreme cases
A short bus ride away
As a general rule
Only one street away
But preferably
In the same street, or
In a perfect world
The house next door
My kids have no such rule
And don’t date girls in our road
In fact they won’t even date
A girl in our post code
SANDALS IN THE BIN - THE BALLAD OF MOTHER THERESA
Goodbye Mother T
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of their poverty
And they gathered again and again
God set you on the treadmill
And he made you change your name
And it’s been told to me that since you died
They put your sandals in the bin
But having them to cling to
When the pain set in.
I would have liked to have sold them
For just a few quid.
But your Sandals were thrown out long before
We even got a bid
DEATH AND TAXES
Death and taxes are the only certainties
In a life full of possibilities
Paying Taxes is an unpleasant act
Which I don’t enjoy and that’s a fact
But death is a different proposition
It’s not exactly an option
But I’m not afraid to go
But I fear the manner of it so
URANIA
The last mythological muse
Urania, muse of astrology
Foreteller of the future
By the stars array
Dressed in a cloak
Embroidered with stars
Holding a globe in her left hand
Always looking to the heavens
a goddess of universal love
And possessed with the holy spirit
The Renaissance Urania
Was muse to the Christian poets
And still gazed to the heavens
But saw God amongst the stars
FASHION VICTIMS
There is a new fashion range
Launching in the spring
And if you are of certain bent
Then for you it’s just the thing
There will be corduroy trousers
With a very high waist
And knitted sleeveless sweaters
To suit every taste
Jackets will be of Harris Tweed
With leather elbow patches
Shirt collars will button down
On a tie that never matches
So when will these hit the shops?
Is that the question I hear?
Be patient it will be with us soon
And it’s known as Boffin wear
SILENT STANDS
Silent stands
The winding gear
The pithead sealed
Five and twenty year
Miners no longer toil
With honest dignity
Coal now comes
On boats across the sea
Silent stands
The eerie monument
To stubborn arrogance
And bad judgement
Rust abounds
As far as you can see
The mining gone for good
That’s Scargill’s legacy
THE FAMILY WAY
I loved her right from the start
Willingly gave her all my heart
And when she walked down the aisle
I could do nothing at all but smile
When we moved into our flat
I thought to myself, that was that
Once we had our home together
We would just grow old together
Then I saw the pregnancy tester
When she had reached the first Trimester
And then came another level of joy
We would have a little girl of boy
Now I may have tended to fuss
My devotion may have been uxorious
But she was all important in my life
So I fussed around my primiparous wife
And when the great day finally came
We still hadn’t even settled on a name
But our daughter blessed our union
And I had two loves to dote upon
I HAVE A LOVELY SON
I have a lovely son
He is my number one
He won’t be an only child
I hope for another one
But he is our first born
When all said and done
I won’t love him anymore
But he’ll always be number one
LESS IS MORE
You don’t need to be frumpy
But I don’t want brassy
There’s no need to dress like my aunty
But I’m not looking for flashy
I don’t want to see everything
So don’t put it all on display
You don’t need to be obvious
I have an imagination, ok?
I don’t want to see it all
On display in the window
You don’t need to go in the shop
When everything is on show
You can allude to what you have
Without putting it all on display
But I don’t want to see it all
Save something for a rainy day
PROFESSIONAL BLUNDERS
The medical profession can always
Bury their mistakes deeply
The legal profession can execute theirs
Finally and completely
While journalism allow their errors
To be given centre stage
For all the world to see in black and white
Right on the front page
I don’t like modern films
Over hyped, over killed
They so often disappoint
The audiences once thrilled
I find now as I get older
The most joy that I can muster
Is from watching an old favourite
Than a modern blockbuster
THE COURTING RULE
When I was courting
Many years ago
I had a golden rule
Which I liked to follow
This ruled applied
To certain criteria
Namely that the girl
Should live in the same area
In extreme cases
A short bus ride away
As a general rule
Only one street away
But preferably
In the same street, or
In a perfect world
The house next door
My kids have no such rule
And don’t date girls in our road
In fact they won’t even date
A girl in our post code
SANDALS IN THE BIN - THE BALLAD OF MOTHER THERESA
Goodbye Mother T
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of their poverty
And they gathered again and again
God set you on the treadmill
And he made you change your name
And it’s been told to me that since you died
They put your sandals in the bin
But having them to cling to
When the pain set in.
I would have liked to have sold them
For just a few quid.
But your Sandals were thrown out long before
We even got a bid
DEATH AND TAXES
Death and taxes are the only certainties
In a life full of possibilities
Paying Taxes is an unpleasant act
Which I don’t enjoy and that’s a fact
But death is a different proposition
It’s not exactly an option
But I’m not afraid to go
But I fear the manner of it so
URANIA
The last mythological muse
Urania, muse of astrology
Foreteller of the future
By the stars array
Dressed in a cloak
Embroidered with stars
Holding a globe in her left hand
Always looking to the heavens
a goddess of universal love
And possessed with the holy spirit
The Renaissance Urania
Was muse to the Christian poets
And still gazed to the heavens
But saw God amongst the stars
FASHION VICTIMS
There is a new fashion range
Launching in the spring
And if you are of certain bent
Then for you it’s just the thing
There will be corduroy trousers
With a very high waist
And knitted sleeveless sweaters
To suit every taste
Jackets will be of Harris Tweed
With leather elbow patches
Shirt collars will button down
On a tie that never matches
So when will these hit the shops?
Is that the question I hear?
Be patient it will be with us soon
And it’s known as Boffin wear
SILENT STANDS
Silent stands
The winding gear
The pithead sealed
Five and twenty year
Miners no longer toil
With honest dignity
Coal now comes
On boats across the sea
Silent stands
The eerie monument
To stubborn arrogance
And bad judgement
Rust abounds
As far as you can see
The mining gone for good
That’s Scargill’s legacy
THE FAMILY WAY
I loved her right from the start
Willingly gave her all my heart
And when she walked down the aisle
I could do nothing at all but smile
When we moved into our flat
I thought to myself, that was that
Once we had our home together
We would just grow old together
Then I saw the pregnancy tester
When she had reached the first Trimester
And then came another level of joy
We would have a little girl of boy
Now I may have tended to fuss
My devotion may have been uxorious
But she was all important in my life
So I fussed around my primiparous wife
And when the great day finally came
We still hadn’t even settled on a name
But our daughter blessed our union
And I had two loves to dote upon
I HAVE A LOVELY SON
I have a lovely son
He is my number one
He won’t be an only child
I hope for another one
But he is our first born
When all said and done
I won’t love him anymore
But he’ll always be number one
LESS IS MORE
You don’t need to be frumpy
But I don’t want brassy
There’s no need to dress like my aunty
But I’m not looking for flashy
I don’t want to see everything
So don’t put it all on display
You don’t need to be obvious
I have an imagination, ok?
I don’t want to see it all
On display in the window
You don’t need to go in the shop
When everything is on show
You can allude to what you have
Without putting it all on display
But I don’t want to see it all
Save something for a rainy day
PROFESSIONAL BLUNDERS
The medical profession can always
Bury their mistakes deeply
The legal profession can execute theirs
Finally and completely
While journalism allow their errors
To be given centre stage
For all the world to see in black and white
Right on the front page
SHADES OF LOVE
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
Are you looking for someone perchance?
To partner in physical love’s erotic dance
It doesn’t matter to any of us though
If you just want to go at it with gusto
Maybe you have a penchant for a tart?
One of easy virtue but one with a heart
Or do you hanker more for a nympho
A raver to satisfy your burning libido
Does your bent lean towards a temptress
Or someone you can use as a mattress
No I think you look for more from your life
You are looking for a girl to be your wife
IS A KIND WORD ENOUGH?
How do you tell the woman that you love?
The woman that always fitted you like a glove
Your lover, your friend and your confident
How do you tell her of your discontent?
How do you tell the woman for whom you care?
That you are no longer in love with her
The woman you love but no longer desire
Kind and caring but unable to light your fire
How do you tell the woman that you love?
The woman that always fitted you like a glove
Where do you begin? Where do you start?
How do you tell her and not break her heart?
I NEED HER LOVE SO BADLY
I need her love so badly
I have fallen for her madly
And though she tells me
She is mine till eternity
I am so insecure
I do not no for sure
If I tell her of my distrust
I will warrant her disgust
Though I am riddled with self doubt
She will only pout
Why must I doubt her?
Why can’t I believe her?
I should count my blessings
Instead of self obsessing
I have fallen for her madly
I need her love so badly
FAIRER THAN A ROSE
Fairer than a rose
That in Eden grows
Brighter than a star
Shining from afar
Purer than a rose
That in heaven grows
I bless the day
She came my way
For until that sunlit morn
I was yet unborn
NATURAL BEAUTY
I look at you doing ordinary things
Bewitched by your beauty
I watch you take off your make-up
And puzzle at its redundancy
Why do you even put it on
It adds nothing to your beauty
For you cannot enhance perfection
It is an exercise in futility
MY BEACON
Your beauty is like a beacon
That shines through the universe
Brighter than the hottest star
In this galaxy and those beyond
I bask in its illumination
Orbiting like a faithful moon
Content to be your satellite
Ever in your perfect light
ISABEL
A vision of pulchritude
My sweet little Isabel
Coquettish in the extreme
A beautiful southern belle
Lithe limbed and gracile
She is hopelessly vivacious
With her sylph like elegance
She tends to the outrageous
But for all her dalliances
And her overt vivacity
Her revelling in the attention
She is still in love with me
DO YOU REMEMBER THE TWENTY FIRST OF SEPTEMBER?
Do you remember the twenty first of September?
A very special date is it not?
It’s our wedding anniversary you idiot
And should never be forgot
INTERNMENT
Your beauty caught my eye
And captured my attention
Your personality won my heart
And placed it in detention
IN MY DREAMS
In my dreams
I see you clearly
I reach out to touch you
And you hold me in your arms
I feel your tender caress
As you envelope me
As your love embosoms me
And my pain melts away
When I awakeI am alone and breathless
But content and at peace
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
A pulchritudinous creature
Oblivious to the turmoil
Stirred in a young mans chest
Tamed the beast in me
Sublimating me
From my true desires
Quelling the fires
Redirecting my passions
Reemploying my sexual energy
So we partake
Of the socially acceptable
Exercise our creative bent
Until the time is right
That blessed moment
When love supplants lust
And passions flame can burn
I WANT YOU
I want you to hold in my arms
I want to look into your eyes
I want to feel your heart beat
I want to hear your sighs
I want to hear your voice
I want to feel your touch
I want to kiss your lips
Because I love you so much
IN AN INSTANT
One brief moment changed my life
When the love that emanated from you
Captured my heart in that instant
And in the clarity of that moment I knew
My destiny had been forever shaped
And my life would ever after be with you
AS THE SUN SET OVER THE SEA
As the sun set over the sea
Filling the sky with an orange hue
I held your hand
And beheld that wondrous view
Then I squeezed your hand
And said “I love you”
I held my breath
Until you said “I love you too”
DAYS DOWN BY SEA
Days down by sea
Far away from amusement arcades
Away from the pier
And noisy shopping parades
Just wide empty beaches
The salt sea breeze in my hair
What ever the weather
I really don’t care
Long languid days
Spent down by sea
Just a wet shaggy dog
My lady and me
OVERTHROW OF THE HEART
Love once reigned in my heart
But it has been deposed
Because I didn’t try to keep you
The coup went unopposed
Now loneliness reigns supreme
That Prince of misery
If I had fought to keep you
You might still be with me
YOU ARE THE SUNSHINE
You are the sunshine
That makes the whole world smile
I am the rain
That cools things down awhile
Together we make a rainbow
That everyone can see
The vibrant colours in the sky
Shout out that you love me
SOMETIMES THERE IS RAIN
Life cannot always be sunshine
Sometimes there is rain
But when both come together
Then beauty is our gain
As a rainbow is the result
Iridescent in the sky
YOU ARE MY RAINBOW
Red is for your passion
Orange is loves warm glow
Yellow is the light
Green is for your eyes
Blue is for the clarity
Indigo is for your radiance
Violet the scent of love
And like my love for you
A rainbow has no end
THE BOOK OF LIFE
My life is like a book
Filled with all the special moments
And endless characters
Each page a catalogue of my experiences
Every up and down
Every high and low
But my life only truly began
When you turned the page
And started a new chapter
NATURAL HIGHS
There are many natural highs in life
Like laughing so hard it hurts
A hot shower in the morning
A hot bubble bath in the evening
Hearing a song on the radio
That reminds you of your first kiss
An admiring glance from a stranger
A special glance from a lover
Getting a hug when you need one
Holding hands with the one you love
Falling in love, being in love
Being loved and knowing
When you looking into their eyes
That they love you
ONLY YOU
Only you can occupy
That special place within my heart
You have been alone in there
Right from the very start
You will never be evicted
That would cause me great distress
For you will always be my love
The reason for my happiness
THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS
While I sleep with eyes shut tight
I dream of a girl dressed all in white
This beautiful girl with an adoring smile
And eyes so green they bewitch and beguile
She stands before me this maiden fair
And runs her fingers through my hair
Then I feel the touch of her caress
And a single kiss of such tenderness
Then the beautiful maiden fair
Whispered 'I love you' in my ear
I was alone come the morning light
I hope I see the girl again tonight
JUST TO KNOW
Just to know each day
That you are here
To listen and love
And abate my fear
Just to know each day
That you really care
To share and laugh
And abate my despair
Just to know each day
That you are with me
To make each new day
A fresh treasured memory
I GIVE TO YOU A ROSEBUD
I give to you a rosebud
Held twixt my finger tips
As a symbol of my love
That cannot be eclipsed
The purest, sweetest rose
As red as your sweet lips
ALWAYS AND FOREVER
Always and forever
My love for you will burn
And the one and only thing
For which I yearn
Is that you will notice me
And love me in return
I DRAW A CIRCLE
I draw a circle
As a symbol
To demonstrate my love
I do not start
To draw a heart
Because a heart can break
So I draw a circle
As a symbol
For a circle goes on forever
LIFE IS GOOD
Life is good
Life is great
Life is something
I appreciate
My life is good
My life is great
My life is something
I celebrate
I love my life
And I love you too
You are my life
And life gave me you
DREAMS
When I have dreams
Those dreams are of you
I tingle at the thought of them
Those dreams so blue
Each searing moment
Is burnt in my memory
I hope when I sleep tonight
I dream again of you and me
IF YOU WERE
If you were a kiss
You would be passion
If you were a dress
You’d be high fashion
If you were a pop song,
You would be number one
If you were an Olympian
You would be champion
If you were a star
You’d be the brightest
If you were a caress
You’d be the lightest
If you were a drink
You would be Moet
If you were a joke
You would be funny
If you were a flower
You would be exotic
If you were a dance
You would be erotic
If you were unmarried
You would be quite free
If you were so inclined
You could then marry me
I TELL YOU
I tell you that I love you
I tell you that I care
I tell you every day
Of the love that I declare
I tell you that I love you
I tell you every day
I tell you I am there for you
Each and every way
I tell you that I love you
I tell you that I’m sure
I tell you every day
But you’re so insecure
I tell you that I love you
I tell you that I care
I tell you every day
I’m not going anywhere
I tell you that I love you
I tell you I’m not that guy
I tell you every day
And then you start to cry
I tell you that I love you
I put my arms around you
I tell you every time
That my love for you is true
THEN AND ONLY THEN
I will drop a grain of sand into the desert
I will cry a teardrop into the ocean blue
I will blow a kiss into a hurricane
To prove my love, this is what I do
If you find that grain of sand, that teardrop
Or that kiss then that is when I’ll stop loving you
IN THE GAME OF LOVE
In the game of love you know all the right moves
With Terpsichorean precision, purposeful and bold
You are mistress of passion, keeper of my heart
If they awarded medals for love you’d get the gold
THEY SEEK IT HERE
You will find it here you will find it there
Some people like it but others don't care
Some will yearn for it in deep despair
But to find a true love is especially rare
PEOPLE LOVE
People love each other in many different ways
Take love where they can find it, I would say
All kinds of love shared each and everyday
But the truest are those that can’t be taken away
Are you looking for someone perchance?
To partner in physical love’s erotic dance
It doesn’t matter to any of us though
If you just want to go at it with gusto
Maybe you have a penchant for a tart?
One of easy virtue but one with a heart
Or do you hanker more for a nympho
A raver to satisfy your burning libido
Does your bent lean towards a temptress
Or someone you can use as a mattress
No I think you look for more from your life
You are looking for a girl to be your wife
IS A KIND WORD ENOUGH?
How do you tell the woman that you love?
The woman that always fitted you like a glove
Your lover, your friend and your confident
How do you tell her of your discontent?
How do you tell the woman for whom you care?
That you are no longer in love with her
The woman you love but no longer desire
Kind and caring but unable to light your fire
How do you tell the woman that you love?
The woman that always fitted you like a glove
Where do you begin? Where do you start?
How do you tell her and not break her heart?
I NEED HER LOVE SO BADLY
I need her love so badly
I have fallen for her madly
And though she tells me
She is mine till eternity
I am so insecure
I do not no for sure
If I tell her of my distrust
I will warrant her disgust
Though I am riddled with self doubt
She will only pout
Why must I doubt her?
Why can’t I believe her?
I should count my blessings
Instead of self obsessing
I have fallen for her madly
I need her love so badly
FAIRER THAN A ROSE
Fairer than a rose
That in Eden grows
Brighter than a star
Shining from afar
Purer than a rose
That in heaven grows
I bless the day
She came my way
For until that sunlit morn
I was yet unborn
NATURAL BEAUTY
I look at you doing ordinary things
Bewitched by your beauty
I watch you take off your make-up
And puzzle at its redundancy
Why do you even put it on
It adds nothing to your beauty
For you cannot enhance perfection
It is an exercise in futility
MY BEACON
Your beauty is like a beacon
That shines through the universe
Brighter than the hottest star
In this galaxy and those beyond
I bask in its illumination
Orbiting like a faithful moon
Content to be your satellite
Ever in your perfect light
ISABEL
A vision of pulchritude
My sweet little Isabel
Coquettish in the extreme
A beautiful southern belle
Lithe limbed and gracile
She is hopelessly vivacious
With her sylph like elegance
She tends to the outrageous
But for all her dalliances
And her overt vivacity
Her revelling in the attention
She is still in love with me
DO YOU REMEMBER THE TWENTY FIRST OF SEPTEMBER?
Do you remember the twenty first of September?
A very special date is it not?
It’s our wedding anniversary you idiot
And should never be forgot
INTERNMENT
Your beauty caught my eye
And captured my attention
Your personality won my heart
And placed it in detention
IN MY DREAMS
In my dreams
I see you clearly
I reach out to touch you
And you hold me in your arms
I feel your tender caress
As you envelope me
As your love embosoms me
And my pain melts away
When I awakeI am alone and breathless
But content and at peace
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
A pulchritudinous creature
Oblivious to the turmoil
Stirred in a young mans chest
Tamed the beast in me
Sublimating me
From my true desires
Quelling the fires
Redirecting my passions
Reemploying my sexual energy
So we partake
Of the socially acceptable
Exercise our creative bent
Until the time is right
That blessed moment
When love supplants lust
And passions flame can burn
I WANT YOU
I want you to hold in my arms
I want to look into your eyes
I want to feel your heart beat
I want to hear your sighs
I want to hear your voice
I want to feel your touch
I want to kiss your lips
Because I love you so much
IN AN INSTANT
One brief moment changed my life
When the love that emanated from you
Captured my heart in that instant
And in the clarity of that moment I knew
My destiny had been forever shaped
And my life would ever after be with you
AS THE SUN SET OVER THE SEA
As the sun set over the sea
Filling the sky with an orange hue
I held your hand
And beheld that wondrous view
Then I squeezed your hand
And said “I love you”
I held my breath
Until you said “I love you too”
DAYS DOWN BY SEA
Days down by sea
Far away from amusement arcades
Away from the pier
And noisy shopping parades
Just wide empty beaches
The salt sea breeze in my hair
What ever the weather
I really don’t care
Long languid days
Spent down by sea
Just a wet shaggy dog
My lady and me
OVERTHROW OF THE HEART
Love once reigned in my heart
But it has been deposed
Because I didn’t try to keep you
The coup went unopposed
Now loneliness reigns supreme
That Prince of misery
If I had fought to keep you
You might still be with me
YOU ARE THE SUNSHINE
You are the sunshine
That makes the whole world smile
I am the rain
That cools things down awhile
Together we make a rainbow
That everyone can see
The vibrant colours in the sky
Shout out that you love me
SOMETIMES THERE IS RAIN
Life cannot always be sunshine
Sometimes there is rain
But when both come together
Then beauty is our gain
As a rainbow is the result
Iridescent in the sky
YOU ARE MY RAINBOW
Red is for your passion
Orange is loves warm glow
Yellow is the light
Green is for your eyes
Blue is for the clarity
Indigo is for your radiance
Violet the scent of love
And like my love for you
A rainbow has no end
THE BOOK OF LIFE
My life is like a book
Filled with all the special moments
And endless characters
Each page a catalogue of my experiences
Every up and down
Every high and low
But my life only truly began
When you turned the page
And started a new chapter
NATURAL HIGHS
There are many natural highs in life
Like laughing so hard it hurts
A hot shower in the morning
A hot bubble bath in the evening
Hearing a song on the radio
That reminds you of your first kiss
An admiring glance from a stranger
A special glance from a lover
Getting a hug when you need one
Holding hands with the one you love
Falling in love, being in love
Being loved and knowing
When you looking into their eyes
That they love you
ONLY YOU
Only you can occupy
That special place within my heart
You have been alone in there
Right from the very start
You will never be evicted
That would cause me great distress
For you will always be my love
The reason for my happiness
THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS
While I sleep with eyes shut tight
I dream of a girl dressed all in white
This beautiful girl with an adoring smile
And eyes so green they bewitch and beguile
She stands before me this maiden fair
And runs her fingers through my hair
Then I feel the touch of her caress
And a single kiss of such tenderness
Then the beautiful maiden fair
Whispered 'I love you' in my ear
I was alone come the morning light
I hope I see the girl again tonight
JUST TO KNOW
Just to know each day
That you are here
To listen and love
And abate my fear
Just to know each day
That you really care
To share and laugh
And abate my despair
Just to know each day
That you are with me
To make each new day
A fresh treasured memory
I GIVE TO YOU A ROSEBUD
I give to you a rosebud
Held twixt my finger tips
As a symbol of my love
That cannot be eclipsed
The purest, sweetest rose
As red as your sweet lips
ALWAYS AND FOREVER
Always and forever
My love for you will burn
And the one and only thing
For which I yearn
Is that you will notice me
And love me in return
I DRAW A CIRCLE
I draw a circle
As a symbol
To demonstrate my love
I do not start
To draw a heart
Because a heart can break
So I draw a circle
As a symbol
For a circle goes on forever
LIFE IS GOOD
Life is good
Life is great
Life is something
I appreciate
My life is good
My life is great
My life is something
I celebrate
I love my life
And I love you too
You are my life
And life gave me you
DREAMS
When I have dreams
Those dreams are of you
I tingle at the thought of them
Those dreams so blue
Each searing moment
Is burnt in my memory
I hope when I sleep tonight
I dream again of you and me
IF YOU WERE
If you were a kiss
You would be passion
If you were a dress
You’d be high fashion
If you were a pop song,
You would be number one
If you were an Olympian
You would be champion
If you were a star
You’d be the brightest
If you were a caress
You’d be the lightest
If you were a drink
You would be Moet
If you were a joke
You would be funny
If you were a flower
You would be exotic
If you were a dance
You would be erotic
If you were unmarried
You would be quite free
If you were so inclined
You could then marry me
I TELL YOU
I tell you that I love you
I tell you that I care
I tell you every day
Of the love that I declare
I tell you that I love you
I tell you every day
I tell you I am there for you
Each and every way
I tell you that I love you
I tell you that I’m sure
I tell you every day
But you’re so insecure
I tell you that I love you
I tell you that I care
I tell you every day
I’m not going anywhere
I tell you that I love you
I tell you I’m not that guy
I tell you every day
And then you start to cry
I tell you that I love you
I put my arms around you
I tell you every time
That my love for you is true
THEN AND ONLY THEN
I will drop a grain of sand into the desert
I will cry a teardrop into the ocean blue
I will blow a kiss into a hurricane
To prove my love, this is what I do
If you find that grain of sand, that teardrop
Or that kiss then that is when I’ll stop loving you
IN THE GAME OF LOVE
In the game of love you know all the right moves
With Terpsichorean precision, purposeful and bold
You are mistress of passion, keeper of my heart
If they awarded medals for love you’d get the gold
THEY SEEK IT HERE
You will find it here you will find it there
Some people like it but others don't care
Some will yearn for it in deep despair
But to find a true love is especially rare
PEOPLE LOVE
People love each other in many different ways
Take love where they can find it, I would say
All kinds of love shared each and everyday
But the truest are those that can’t be taken away
WEDDING POEMS
PROTHALAMIUM (A WEDDING SONG)
I stand alone
Yet among friends
I stand alone
In the sight of family
Hear the music?
Come ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me
Stand beside me
Stand to my left
Become me
Let me become you
Hear the words?
Go ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me
We stand together
Before our friends
We stand together
In the sight of family
Hear the music?
Hear the song?
Let’s sing along
Come join me
We stand together
Alone no more
Joined as one
Before our God
EPITHALAMIUM # 1
Since that summer day
When you first caught my eye
You’ve lit up my life
Like the sun rising in the morning sky
We got to no each other
On that glorious afternoon
We asked the important questions
And found we were in tune
At the end of that perfect day
That perfect summer day in June
I took you in my arms
And we kissed beneath the moon
Now it is another summer day
Another perfect afternoon
And we are side by side
On our wedding day in June
EPITHALAMIUM # 2
As spring turned to summer
Nary a cloud marked the sky
As I looked at my maiden fair
I wiped a tear from my eye
As we stood before God at the alter
And made our vows, my love and I
I stand alone
Yet among friends
I stand alone
In the sight of family
Hear the music?
Come ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me
Stand beside me
Stand to my left
Become me
Let me become you
Hear the words?
Go ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me
We stand together
Before our friends
We stand together
In the sight of family
Hear the music?
Hear the song?
Let’s sing along
Come join me
We stand together
Alone no more
Joined as one
Before our God
EPITHALAMIUM # 1
Since that summer day
When you first caught my eye
You’ve lit up my life
Like the sun rising in the morning sky
We got to no each other
On that glorious afternoon
We asked the important questions
And found we were in tune
At the end of that perfect day
That perfect summer day in June
I took you in my arms
And we kissed beneath the moon
Now it is another summer day
Another perfect afternoon
And we are side by side
On our wedding day in June
EPITHALAMIUM # 2
As spring turned to summer
Nary a cloud marked the sky
As I looked at my maiden fair
I wiped a tear from my eye
As we stood before God at the alter
And made our vows, my love and I
GENTLEMENS RELISH
DOWN BENEATH HER DOWN
Down beneath her down
Drawn by passions scent
Of receptive loins
I sourced the open petals
Of her melliferous flower
And for my oscular stimulation
Of the moist blossom
I was rewarded
With sapourus delights
Until my esurience was satisfied
BLACK SILK DRESS
Her black silk dress
Fitted her like a sheath
The taught lines showed
Her nakedness beneath
Save for black-stockings
Gartered at the thigh
Stimulating to the loins
And pleasing to the eye
She turned every head
With her glamorous allure
Filled each one with thoughts
None of which were pure
DOWN AT THE BEACH
The beach was deserted
And silent
But for the gentle breaking of the waves
They were both naked
Her on her knees looking out to sea
He knelt behind her in the moonlight
Smelling her hair before nuzzling her neck
His hands were on her ample hips
His nuzzles turned to kisses
As his finger tips brushed
The soft flesh of her nakedness
His hands slid upwards across her silky skin
To caress the cupola’s of her breasts
And as his fingers teased her swelling mamilla
She turned her head toward him
And their mouths met
In wet hungry consumption
As passion intensified
He slid one hand slowly down across her belly
Fingers dallying briefly
In the lushness of her bush
Before finding the moist recess he sought
Her fervid response to his fingering
Brought her to the brink
And then bending her at the waist
He quickly pushed her forward
Until her head touched the sand
This presented her round buttocks to him
So he could see her open lipped pudendum
Glistening moistly in the moonlight
He slid his hands up and cupped her
Pendulous breasts
Caressing breast and teat
As he penetrated her heat
YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK
You don’t even have to ask
I am at your beck and call
If you have the urge
You can have me up against a wall
You don’t even have to ask
You don’t need to say please
Just snap your fingers
And I’ll be on my knees
You don’t even have to ask
Just unzip your trouser fly
Then I will do the rest
I’m always here to satisfy
You don’t even have to ask
We don’t even need to kiss
Just use me as a vessel
I will never ever resist
You don’t even have to ask
I am at your beck and call
But today like every day
You don’t notice me at all
WHEN AUNTY RUTH CAME TO VISIT
My Aunty Ruth came to visit
She wasn’t my real Aunty
She was my mum’s best friend
But she was a real beauty
Oh what a sight she was
To gladden a young mans eye
As she crossed her legs
Exposing an expanse of thigh
Another adjustment of her posture
Disclosed she was naked underneath
I could see right up her dress
All the way up to the heath
She knew I was looking at her
And I went very red indeed
Though I don’t know if she knew
That I filled my pants with my seed
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK OF ME? # 1
What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasy
Of you down on your knees
Attending to me orally
What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasy
Was you wearing silk and lace
As you sit writhing on my face
What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasy
Was to undress you in the office
And penetrate each orifice
What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasies
About sex with you all the while
Would you look at me and smile?
BRONCO FILLY
You would have said
She was attractive
Glamorous even, certainly alluring
Which aroused my physical desire
And in my lustful state
I could have creamed my jeans
Just looking at her
But I didn’t need to
There was a libidinous look in her eyes
And they were looking at me
So we began with a simple kiss
Which became more fervent
Her ardency led to torrid embrace
And her caress touched
Every erogenous point of sensitivity
Until she was sexually receptive
Like a beast in Oestrus
And she mounted me
Riding me like a bronco
Until I was tamed
COME ON DARLING HEAR MY PLEA
Come on darling
Lets play hide the sausage
Let’s not hesitate
Come on darling hear my plea
Come on lets have a shag
You can choose which way
Monkey on a stick, reverse cowboy
Missionary or doggy fashion
Something new maybe
Like splitting the cicada
We can play with sex toys
I’ll insert ticklers up your vaginal canal
Or you can bite the pillow
For some penetration anal
If you don’t want a shag
A hand job or a tit-wank will do
Or please take it in the scull
I promise not to come in your face
When I tip my barrow
But you may get a pearl necklace
When I lose my load
You can sit on my face
Give me a golden shower
Get your knickers off
And I’ll give you a nosh
Just get your kit off
I promise to make you quiver and shiver
And shudder and judder
But please please remember
A sixty year old man
Should never waste an erection
Down beneath her down
Drawn by passions scent
Of receptive loins
I sourced the open petals
Of her melliferous flower
And for my oscular stimulation
Of the moist blossom
I was rewarded
With sapourus delights
Until my esurience was satisfied
BLACK SILK DRESS
Her black silk dress
Fitted her like a sheath
The taught lines showed
Her nakedness beneath
Save for black-stockings
Gartered at the thigh
Stimulating to the loins
And pleasing to the eye
She turned every head
With her glamorous allure
Filled each one with thoughts
None of which were pure
DOWN AT THE BEACH
The beach was deserted
And silent
But for the gentle breaking of the waves
They were both naked
Her on her knees looking out to sea
He knelt behind her in the moonlight
Smelling her hair before nuzzling her neck
His hands were on her ample hips
His nuzzles turned to kisses
As his finger tips brushed
The soft flesh of her nakedness
His hands slid upwards across her silky skin
To caress the cupola’s of her breasts
And as his fingers teased her swelling mamilla
She turned her head toward him
And their mouths met
In wet hungry consumption
As passion intensified
He slid one hand slowly down across her belly
Fingers dallying briefly
In the lushness of her bush
Before finding the moist recess he sought
Her fervid response to his fingering
Brought her to the brink
And then bending her at the waist
He quickly pushed her forward
Until her head touched the sand
This presented her round buttocks to him
So he could see her open lipped pudendum
Glistening moistly in the moonlight
He slid his hands up and cupped her
Pendulous breasts
Caressing breast and teat
As he penetrated her heat
YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK
You don’t even have to ask
I am at your beck and call
If you have the urge
You can have me up against a wall
You don’t even have to ask
You don’t need to say please
Just snap your fingers
And I’ll be on my knees
You don’t even have to ask
Just unzip your trouser fly
Then I will do the rest
I’m always here to satisfy
You don’t even have to ask
We don’t even need to kiss
Just use me as a vessel
I will never ever resist
You don’t even have to ask
I am at your beck and call
But today like every day
You don’t notice me at all
WHEN AUNTY RUTH CAME TO VISIT
My Aunty Ruth came to visit
She wasn’t my real Aunty
She was my mum’s best friend
But she was a real beauty
Oh what a sight she was
To gladden a young mans eye
As she crossed her legs
Exposing an expanse of thigh
Another adjustment of her posture
Disclosed she was naked underneath
I could see right up her dress
All the way up to the heath
She knew I was looking at her
And I went very red indeed
Though I don’t know if she knew
That I filled my pants with my seed
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK OF ME? # 1
What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasy
Of you down on your knees
Attending to me orally
What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasy
Was you wearing silk and lace
As you sit writhing on my face
What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasy
Was to undress you in the office
And penetrate each orifice
What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasies
About sex with you all the while
Would you look at me and smile?
BRONCO FILLY
You would have said
She was attractive
Glamorous even, certainly alluring
Which aroused my physical desire
And in my lustful state
I could have creamed my jeans
Just looking at her
But I didn’t need to
There was a libidinous look in her eyes
And they were looking at me
So we began with a simple kiss
Which became more fervent
Her ardency led to torrid embrace
And her caress touched
Every erogenous point of sensitivity
Until she was sexually receptive
Like a beast in Oestrus
And she mounted me
Riding me like a bronco
Until I was tamed
COME ON DARLING HEAR MY PLEA
Come on darling
Lets play hide the sausage
Let’s not hesitate
Come on darling hear my plea
Come on lets have a shag
You can choose which way
Monkey on a stick, reverse cowboy
Missionary or doggy fashion
Something new maybe
Like splitting the cicada
We can play with sex toys
I’ll insert ticklers up your vaginal canal
Or you can bite the pillow
For some penetration anal
If you don’t want a shag
A hand job or a tit-wank will do
Or please take it in the scull
I promise not to come in your face
When I tip my barrow
But you may get a pearl necklace
When I lose my load
You can sit on my face
Give me a golden shower
Get your knickers off
And I’ll give you a nosh
Just get your kit off
I promise to make you quiver and shiver
And shudder and judder
But please please remember
A sixty year old man
Should never waste an erection
A HUMEROUS COLLECTION
REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER
Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot
For that was the day Guy Fawkes failed
To blow up the bloody lot
WYNNE OR NO
Do you know who invented the crossword?
I can't remember his name for the life of me
It’s on the tip of my tongue just out of reach
It’s W something N something E
THE FULL ENGLISH
I like the full English
When it comes to breakfast
Something substantial
For a satisfaction that will last
None of that continental rubbish
All foreign and nasty
And what’s the deal with a croissant
It’s nothing but an empty pasty
SCARED HALF TO DEATH
Last week I got a fright
That scared me half to death
But that’s not the real trouble
What happens if next week
I get another terrible fright
Will that make it a deadly double?
MARTYRS LANE
When the martyr’s mothers reminisce
Clutching photos that they kiss
They shed a tear for their lost sons
Who blew themselves up for martyrdom
Then one tearful mother is heard to say
“They blow up so fast, don't they?'
I WISH TO COMPLAIN
“I wish to complain” the woman growled
The manager said “How can I help you”?
“There is a puddle on the bathroom floor
What are you going to do”?
The manager with a smile replied
“I’ll have the maid mop it up for you,
And if it’s any consolation, I have three sons
And there’s always a puddle in our loo”
A TRIP TO THE FARM
When our class
Visited the local farm
We had a lovely day
And on the bus home
We sang a song
About our lovely day
The sheep go baa
The cows go moo
The ducks go quack
Chickens cock a doodle doo
The shepherd says hi
The cowman says hello
Get off that fucking tractor
We hear the farmer bellow
MUSICAL FUSION
There’s a new music fad or fashion
A genre of Swedish/Australian fusion
They play Dancing Queen and Waterloo
On the wobble board and the didgeridoo
I don’t know if it will catch on at all
They call the music Abbariginal
STRIKE TWO
What would you say to someone?
With two shinning black eyes
Well I wouldn’t say anything
They’ve clearly been told twice
KEEN TO BE GREEN
Local authorities’ love recycling
It’s a green policy and its one that wins
They want to reduce the carbon footprint
Of the electorate, for their sins
But if they were truly serious
They’d stop making so many recycling bins
Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot
For that was the day Guy Fawkes failed
To blow up the bloody lot
WYNNE OR NO
Do you know who invented the crossword?
I can't remember his name for the life of me
It’s on the tip of my tongue just out of reach
It’s W something N something E
THE FULL ENGLISH
I like the full English
When it comes to breakfast
Something substantial
For a satisfaction that will last
None of that continental rubbish
All foreign and nasty
And what’s the deal with a croissant
It’s nothing but an empty pasty
SCARED HALF TO DEATH
Last week I got a fright
That scared me half to death
But that’s not the real trouble
What happens if next week
I get another terrible fright
Will that make it a deadly double?
MARTYRS LANE
When the martyr’s mothers reminisce
Clutching photos that they kiss
They shed a tear for their lost sons
Who blew themselves up for martyrdom
Then one tearful mother is heard to say
“They blow up so fast, don't they?'
I WISH TO COMPLAIN
“I wish to complain” the woman growled
The manager said “How can I help you”?
“There is a puddle on the bathroom floor
What are you going to do”?
The manager with a smile replied
“I’ll have the maid mop it up for you,
And if it’s any consolation, I have three sons
And there’s always a puddle in our loo”
A TRIP TO THE FARM
When our class
Visited the local farm
We had a lovely day
And on the bus home
We sang a song
About our lovely day
The sheep go baa
The cows go moo
The ducks go quack
Chickens cock a doodle doo
The shepherd says hi
The cowman says hello
Get off that fucking tractor
We hear the farmer bellow
MUSICAL FUSION
There’s a new music fad or fashion
A genre of Swedish/Australian fusion
They play Dancing Queen and Waterloo
On the wobble board and the didgeridoo
I don’t know if it will catch on at all
They call the music Abbariginal
STRIKE TWO
What would you say to someone?
With two shinning black eyes
Well I wouldn’t say anything
They’ve clearly been told twice
KEEN TO BE GREEN
Local authorities’ love recycling
It’s a green policy and its one that wins
They want to reduce the carbon footprint
Of the electorate, for their sins
But if they were truly serious
They’d stop making so many recycling bins
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
SENIOR HUMOUR
DEFYING GRAVITY # 1
With such widespread use of breast implants
There will surely come a time in the next 50 years
When there will be a large octogenarian population
Of confused and befuddled perky breasted grandmas
DEFYING GRAVITY # 2
With so many treatments for erectile dysfunction
In future there will be a large octogenarian population
Of grandpas with erections to answer grandmas prayers
Who can’t even remember why they went upstairs
DEAD CERTAIN
A senior couple were lying in bed one morning. Just as a new day was dawning
Having had the most perfect nights sleep
Long, restful, undisturbed and deep
The old gentleman turned to his wife and asked
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
She lay perfectly still in the same position
“NO! Of course I don’t want a cup of tea”
Surprised by her vehemence he asked “Why not?”She answered, “Because I'm dead” “What are you talking about? Of course you’re not
What put such a thought in your head?”
“It’s no good you arguing with me about it
I have no doubt at all. I am definitely dead,
And that’s it and all about it, because
I woke up this morning and nothing hurts” she said
SENIOR COLUMN
I wake up in the morning
But don’t get out of bed
Until I’ve read the obit’s
And made sure that I’m not dead
SENIOR WEEK
Since I’ve been retired
Everyday is a fun day
My week now consists
Os six Saturdays and a Sunday
SENIOR FORCAST
Since I’ve been retired
I’ve noticed that my hips
Are more accurate forecasters
Than those met office twits
A SHADOW OF YOUR FORMER SELF
In your younger days
Your figure was quite svelte
You were trim and fit
And you didn’t need a belt
You were dapper and neat
And sartorially proud
Now your clothes are garish
And horribly loud
In your untailored attire
You lack any kind of taste
And all of your trousers
Have an elasticated waist
Your health is not the best
You have a dicky heart
Your digestion is quite iffy
And you’re prone to fart
I look back to the past
And the feelings I felt
When your manly cologne
Was the only thing I smelt
Now that you're mature
And your skin no longer fits
For some unknown reason
I still love you to bits
THANK GOD THAT’S OVER
I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s not before time
It’s like release from prison
After committing no crime
It’s a cause for celebration
Bring on the dancing girls
Crack open a bottle
Let’s get the flags unfurled
I’ve worked too many years
For Scrooge like employers
Today is a joyful occasion
It’s the greatest of pleasures
I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s all I have desired
Thank God the day has come
I’m so glad I’ve retired
YOUNG LOVERS # 1
Your breasts small and pert,
Nipples deep pink and alert
Loins young and tender
Supple flesh in youthful splendour
My athletic muscular form
And endless stamina to perform
My jack in the box like phallus
What has now become of us?
With such widespread use of breast implants
There will surely come a time in the next 50 years
When there will be a large octogenarian population
Of confused and befuddled perky breasted grandmas
DEFYING GRAVITY # 2
With so many treatments for erectile dysfunction
In future there will be a large octogenarian population
Of grandpas with erections to answer grandmas prayers
Who can’t even remember why they went upstairs
DEAD CERTAIN
A senior couple were lying in bed one morning. Just as a new day was dawning
Having had the most perfect nights sleep
Long, restful, undisturbed and deep
The old gentleman turned to his wife and asked
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
She lay perfectly still in the same position
“NO! Of course I don’t want a cup of tea”
Surprised by her vehemence he asked “Why not?”She answered, “Because I'm dead” “What are you talking about? Of course you’re not
What put such a thought in your head?”
“It’s no good you arguing with me about it
I have no doubt at all. I am definitely dead,
And that’s it and all about it, because
I woke up this morning and nothing hurts” she said
SENIOR COLUMN
I wake up in the morning
But don’t get out of bed
Until I’ve read the obit’s
And made sure that I’m not dead
SENIOR WEEK
Since I’ve been retired
Everyday is a fun day
My week now consists
Os six Saturdays and a Sunday
SENIOR FORCAST
Since I’ve been retired
I’ve noticed that my hips
Are more accurate forecasters
Than those met office twits
A SHADOW OF YOUR FORMER SELF
In your younger days
Your figure was quite svelte
You were trim and fit
And you didn’t need a belt
You were dapper and neat
And sartorially proud
Now your clothes are garish
And horribly loud
In your untailored attire
You lack any kind of taste
And all of your trousers
Have an elasticated waist
Your health is not the best
You have a dicky heart
Your digestion is quite iffy
And you’re prone to fart
I look back to the past
And the feelings I felt
When your manly cologne
Was the only thing I smelt
Now that you're mature
And your skin no longer fits
For some unknown reason
I still love you to bits
THANK GOD THAT’S OVER
I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s not before time
It’s like release from prison
After committing no crime
It’s a cause for celebration
Bring on the dancing girls
Crack open a bottle
Let’s get the flags unfurled
I’ve worked too many years
For Scrooge like employers
Today is a joyful occasion
It’s the greatest of pleasures
I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s all I have desired
Thank God the day has come
I’m so glad I’ve retired
YOUNG LOVERS # 1
Your breasts small and pert,
Nipples deep pink and alert
Loins young and tender
Supple flesh in youthful splendour
My athletic muscular form
And endless stamina to perform
My jack in the box like phallus
What has now become of us?
BLONDE HUMOUR
STAY, STAY, STAY
Conscious of the danger to an animal
Being left inside a parked car
A woman opened the car window
So her puppy could get some air
But the little pup saw the open window
As a route to escape the car
And the woman had to stop
Before she had got very far
She stood and pointed at the dog
Firmly saying stay, stay, stay
A woman of the blonde persuasion
Was watching her from some distance away
But she had to keep repeating it
Until she felt it safe to go
The blonde woman shouted to her
“You can use the hand brake you know”
DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE
Bimbette was out for a stroll by the river
And was enjoying the walk in the countryside
When she saw Peaches on the opposite bank
“Hi Peachy how do I get to the other side?”
Peaches looked at her with a puzzled expression
“You’re already there silly” she replied
Conscious of the danger to an animal
Being left inside a parked car
A woman opened the car window
So her puppy could get some air
But the little pup saw the open window
As a route to escape the car
And the woman had to stop
Before she had got very far
She stood and pointed at the dog
Firmly saying stay, stay, stay
A woman of the blonde persuasion
Was watching her from some distance away
But she had to keep repeating it
Until she felt it safe to go
The blonde woman shouted to her
“You can use the hand brake you know”
DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE
Bimbette was out for a stroll by the river
And was enjoying the walk in the countryside
When she saw Peaches on the opposite bank
“Hi Peachy how do I get to the other side?”
Peaches looked at her with a puzzled expression
“You’re already there silly” she replied
TRANSPORT HUMOUR
OUT OF SERVICE
There was a ship rotting in a naval dock
I asked a man if he knew its history
He said it was a Minesweeper once
I didn’t press him but it seemed to me
For a ship to be a Minesweeper once
Was not really a unique ability
ROAD HOGS
Some drivers are so selfish
And some are arrogant with it
It seems that when they buy a car
They think the road comes with it
A WING AND A PRAYER
If the wings travel faster than the fuselage,
And you are in a helicopter, that’s ok
However if you are in any other aircraft
It’s probably a very good time to pray
ROAD RAGE # 2
I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
I strive to be better
And behave courteously
But the second
The car door slams
I feel myself change
Into a different man
I lose my communication skills
Speaking in gestures
Or coded messages on the horn
That don’t relieve the pressure
Driving makes me intolerant
Impatient and aggressive
It makes me angry
Selfish and abusive
I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
It fills me with rage
For every thing I see
There was a ship rotting in a naval dock
I asked a man if he knew its history
He said it was a Minesweeper once
I didn’t press him but it seemed to me
For a ship to be a Minesweeper once
Was not really a unique ability
ROAD HOGS
Some drivers are so selfish
And some are arrogant with it
It seems that when they buy a car
They think the road comes with it
A WING AND A PRAYER
If the wings travel faster than the fuselage,
And you are in a helicopter, that’s ok
However if you are in any other aircraft
It’s probably a very good time to pray
ROAD RAGE # 2
I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
I strive to be better
And behave courteously
But the second
The car door slams
I feel myself change
Into a different man
I lose my communication skills
Speaking in gestures
Or coded messages on the horn
That don’t relieve the pressure
Driving makes me intolerant
Impatient and aggressive
It makes me angry
Selfish and abusive
I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
It fills me with rage
For every thing I see
SPORTING HUMOUR
HUNTIN’ SHOOTIN’ AND TIPPIN’
There was a craze not long ago
A kind of country pursuit
A sport known as cow tipping
Perpetrated by callow youth
Now due to the recession
There is a new craze to report
A rural epidemic, fly tipping
It’s popular but not much of a sport
SCUBA TECHNIQUE
Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat
BRITISH BULLDOG
Diego Maradonna
He of the infamous
Hand of God
Has been savaged
By his new pet
The hound of God
There was a craze not long ago
A kind of country pursuit
A sport known as cow tipping
Perpetrated by callow youth
Now due to the recession
There is a new craze to report
A rural epidemic, fly tipping
It’s popular but not much of a sport
SCUBA TECHNIQUE
Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat
BRITISH BULLDOG
Diego Maradonna
He of the infamous
Hand of God
Has been savaged
By his new pet
The hound of God
PUNNING
FRANKLY MY DEAR
What would a fish say?
If it swam into a concrete wall?
Well it would probably say “dam”
If it said anything at all
BAGGAGE REGULATIONS
A vulture boarded
A jumbo jet
Carrying two dead
Marmoset
The stewardess said
"I'm sorry sir,
Only one carrion Per passenger"
DAVY JONES DISCO
If you go to a seafood disco
For a tango and a tussle
Don’t complain about bad luck
If you only pull a muscle
RAMBLING
I met a guy from the ramblers today
I think his name was John
He was a harmless bloke I suppose
But he just went on and on
TODAY I SAW TWO BANKERS
Today I saw two bankers
Two pin stripe suited wankers
I watched from where I was sitting
As they walked into a building
However what’s puzzling me a bit
Is why didn’t one of the see it
DOPEY BROTHER
My brother has a really bad habit
He smokes pot to excess you see
When he needs more from his dealer
He picks up the phone and hits the hash key
LUVVAGE
My pencil case is in love
But not with a pencil
But with two schoolbags
It must be bi-satchel.
What would a fish say?
If it swam into a concrete wall?
Well it would probably say “dam”
If it said anything at all
BAGGAGE REGULATIONS
A vulture boarded
A jumbo jet
Carrying two dead
Marmoset
The stewardess said
"I'm sorry sir,
Only one carrion Per passenger"
DAVY JONES DISCO
If you go to a seafood disco
For a tango and a tussle
Don’t complain about bad luck
If you only pull a muscle
RAMBLING
I met a guy from the ramblers today
I think his name was John
He was a harmless bloke I suppose
But he just went on and on
TODAY I SAW TWO BANKERS
Today I saw two bankers
Two pin stripe suited wankers
I watched from where I was sitting
As they walked into a building
However what’s puzzling me a bit
Is why didn’t one of the see it
DOPEY BROTHER
My brother has a really bad habit
He smokes pot to excess you see
When he needs more from his dealer
He picks up the phone and hits the hash key
LUVVAGE
My pencil case is in love
But not with a pencil
But with two schoolbags
It must be bi-satchel.
HEALTHY HUMOUR
A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE
A balanced diet
Is what is planned
Which invariably
Means I understand
Something healthy
Something bland
A healthy lifestyle
Is what is planned
So a balanced diet
If I might expand
Does not involve
A pie in each hand
THE BUDDHIST AT THE DENTIST
The Buddhist monk
Following dental examination
Refused an injection
For his required dental extrication
Instead he chose to
Transcend dental medication
DOCTOR IN MOTION
“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea
And I think it’s hereditary”
“Nonsense man I can assure you
Diarrhoea is not hereditary,
And no matter how chronic it is
It’s not as bad as it seems”
“But doctor I know it’s hereditary
Because it’s in my jeans”
WHAT CAN I EAT?
I don’t want Swine flu
So no more pork for me
I don’t want Bird flu
So no chicken fricassee
I don’t want mad cow disease
So no more Beef for me
I don’t want Salmonella
So no dippy eggs for tea
With mercury in the water
I will no longer eat fish
There is pollution in the air
So I’ll eat no bird related dish
I cannot eat any type of fruit
Because of insecticides
And all vegetables are out
Because of the herbicides
So I am at a loss now
To know what I can eat
There is of course chocolate
But then what would be my treat?
A balanced diet
Is what is planned
Which invariably
Means I understand
Something healthy
Something bland
A healthy lifestyle
Is what is planned
So a balanced diet
If I might expand
Does not involve
A pie in each hand
THE BUDDHIST AT THE DENTIST
The Buddhist monk
Following dental examination
Refused an injection
For his required dental extrication
Instead he chose to
Transcend dental medication
DOCTOR IN MOTION
“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea
And I think it’s hereditary”
“Nonsense man I can assure you
Diarrhoea is not hereditary,
And no matter how chronic it is
It’s not as bad as it seems”
“But doctor I know it’s hereditary
Because it’s in my jeans”
WHAT CAN I EAT?
I don’t want Swine flu
So no more pork for me
I don’t want Bird flu
So no chicken fricassee
I don’t want mad cow disease
So no more Beef for me
I don’t want Salmonella
So no dippy eggs for tea
With mercury in the water
I will no longer eat fish
There is pollution in the air
So I’ll eat no bird related dish
I cannot eat any type of fruit
Because of insecticides
And all vegetables are out
Because of the herbicides
So I am at a loss now
To know what I can eat
There is of course chocolate
But then what would be my treat?
PHILOSOPHICAL HUMOUR
WHERE DO YOU STAND?
Just standing in a palace doesn’t make you a Tsar
Any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
It doesn’t make you a cook if you stand in a kitchen
So just going to church doesn't make you a Christian
PHILOSOPHICAL FACT
Everyone is entitles to their own opinion
I have no argument with that
But I would very strongly make the point
They cannot have their own facts
PHYSICS QUESTIONS
Physicists pose important questions
Beneath the Swiss mountain slopes
With their large Hadron collider
And when for the answers they grope
Is the tool that measures their success
Going to be called a collider scope?
CLEAN SWEEP
A clean desk is the sign
Of a sick mind
A clean house is the sign
Of a wasted life
A clean mind is….
Just unnatural
Just standing in a palace doesn’t make you a Tsar
Any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
It doesn’t make you a cook if you stand in a kitchen
So just going to church doesn't make you a Christian
PHILOSOPHICAL FACT
Everyone is entitles to their own opinion
I have no argument with that
But I would very strongly make the point
They cannot have their own facts
PHYSICS QUESTIONS
Physicists pose important questions
Beneath the Swiss mountain slopes
With their large Hadron collider
And when for the answers they grope
Is the tool that measures their success
Going to be called a collider scope?
CLEAN SWEEP
A clean desk is the sign
Of a sick mind
A clean house is the sign
Of a wasted life
A clean mind is….
Just unnatural
SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS
LOVE OF THE SEA
Oh my love how you remind me of the sea
Not for being amazing, powerful and dramatic
No, you remind me of the sea my darling
Because when I’m close to you I feel sick
MULTITASKING MAIDENS
Women are supposedly very good at multitasking
Men are not, which allegedly is our biggest crime
But if women are truly capable of multitasking
Why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?
BINGO, BANGO, BONGO
I will call up my Dolly
To be alone would be folly
Perhaps I’ll call Holly
But should I call Polly
Or little miss Molly
To call all might be a folly
But an interesting volley
What a prospect by golly
WHIRLWIND ROMANCE
A woman is like a hurricane
Whether your partner or your spouse
When she comes she’s hot and wet
When she leaves she takes half the house
WOW YOU SMELL GREAT!
“Wow you smell great! what do you have on”?
The young woman asked in her opening gambit
“Well honey” He replied “I actually have a hard on
But I had no idea at all that you could smell it”
SHEEPISH
A man walked into his bedroom
Where his wife was preparing for sleep
And stood in the doorway
Holding a leash attached to a sheep
“Sweetheart when you have a headache
This is the cow I make love to”
The wife looked at him with utter contempt
Then took his silence as her cue
Saying ”If you weren't such a numbskull,
You’d know that's not a cow it’s a yew
He replied "If you weren't so conceited
You’d realise I wasn’t talking to you”
BREATHE THROUGH IT
A young woman had a panic attack
A side effect of British Railways
My wife and I went to her aid
But I struggled to avert my gaze
From her heaving chesticles
“Big breaths” my wife instructed her
I was still staring at her puppies, said
“No, but beautifully pert would be fare”
SHE WHO MUST BE
When first we met I thought of her
She who must be an angel
When we were married she became
She who must be obeyed
Now we are divorced she has become
She who must be despised
LIQUID TO SOLID
Liquid Viagra will become
The ultimate cocktail I think
And be popular with the group
In need of a stiff drink
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK
You don’t need expensive binoculars
They’re a waste of money you know
Instead of bringing the object nearer
Stand closer to her bedroom window
DRINKING FROM THE UGLY POND
Alcohol was originally invented
So ugly people could have sex too
Because viewed thru beer goggles
Everyone looks beautiful to you
It also serves to add some variety
To the beautiful peoples gene pool
FRIENDSHIP DEFINED
The definition of a real friend
Is someone who would never let a girlfriend
Drink to such excess that they will try
To have sex with a very ugly guy
WORKPLACE WOES
9 out of 10 women
At my company
Accused me of sexual harassment
And are suing me
And I’m being sued for discrimination
By plain Jane my 10th employee
PLAYING DRESS UP
To surprise her husband and add some spice
She dressed in tight black leather Basque
Six-inch stilettos heels, black stockings
Black garter belt and a leather mask
When he walked through the door he said
“Oi Batman what’s for dinner may I ask”?
BEACH ETIQUETTE
A naked man sunbathing at the beach
In order to preserve his dignity
And protect it from the sun
Placed his hat over his thingamy
A passing woman smiled and said
“A gentleman would lift his hat for a lady”
He replied “If you get your kit off
Madam it will raise itself, maybe”
DRIVING RAIN
Wipers swish
Expelling the rain drops
Heater whirls
Expelling heat to clear the mist
Headlights burn
Expelling darkness and fear
It’s a dirty night
But the doggers will be here
A STIFF DRINK
Viagra may soon be available in liquid form,
And will assist the flaccid when it’s done
By making it possible for a man to perform
By literally pouring himself a stiff one
IN THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY
If you are the sort of woman who believes
Life is too short to dance with ugly men
Then you almost certainly believe
It’s too short to have sex with them
Just remember that when you get drunk
There are no ugly men to offend you
And I bet you’ve never bedded an ugly man
But I’m sure you’ve woken up with a few
Oh my love how you remind me of the sea
Not for being amazing, powerful and dramatic
No, you remind me of the sea my darling
Because when I’m close to you I feel sick
MULTITASKING MAIDENS
Women are supposedly very good at multitasking
Men are not, which allegedly is our biggest crime
But if women are truly capable of multitasking
Why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?
BINGO, BANGO, BONGO
I will call up my Dolly
To be alone would be folly
Perhaps I’ll call Holly
But should I call Polly
Or little miss Molly
To call all might be a folly
But an interesting volley
What a prospect by golly
WHIRLWIND ROMANCE
A woman is like a hurricane
Whether your partner or your spouse
When she comes she’s hot and wet
When she leaves she takes half the house
WOW YOU SMELL GREAT!
“Wow you smell great! what do you have on”?
The young woman asked in her opening gambit
“Well honey” He replied “I actually have a hard on
But I had no idea at all that you could smell it”
SHEEPISH
A man walked into his bedroom
Where his wife was preparing for sleep
And stood in the doorway
Holding a leash attached to a sheep
“Sweetheart when you have a headache
This is the cow I make love to”
The wife looked at him with utter contempt
Then took his silence as her cue
Saying ”If you weren't such a numbskull,
You’d know that's not a cow it’s a yew
He replied "If you weren't so conceited
You’d realise I wasn’t talking to you”
BREATHE THROUGH IT
A young woman had a panic attack
A side effect of British Railways
My wife and I went to her aid
But I struggled to avert my gaze
From her heaving chesticles
“Big breaths” my wife instructed her
I was still staring at her puppies, said
“No, but beautifully pert would be fare”
SHE WHO MUST BE
When first we met I thought of her
She who must be an angel
When we were married she became
She who must be obeyed
Now we are divorced she has become
She who must be despised
LIQUID TO SOLID
Liquid Viagra will become
The ultimate cocktail I think
And be popular with the group
In need of a stiff drink
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK
You don’t need expensive binoculars
They’re a waste of money you know
Instead of bringing the object nearer
Stand closer to her bedroom window
DRINKING FROM THE UGLY POND
Alcohol was originally invented
So ugly people could have sex too
Because viewed thru beer goggles
Everyone looks beautiful to you
It also serves to add some variety
To the beautiful peoples gene pool
FRIENDSHIP DEFINED
The definition of a real friend
Is someone who would never let a girlfriend
Drink to such excess that they will try
To have sex with a very ugly guy
WORKPLACE WOES
9 out of 10 women
At my company
Accused me of sexual harassment
And are suing me
And I’m being sued for discrimination
By plain Jane my 10th employee
PLAYING DRESS UP
To surprise her husband and add some spice
She dressed in tight black leather Basque
Six-inch stilettos heels, black stockings
Black garter belt and a leather mask
When he walked through the door he said
“Oi Batman what’s for dinner may I ask”?
BEACH ETIQUETTE
A naked man sunbathing at the beach
In order to preserve his dignity
And protect it from the sun
Placed his hat over his thingamy
A passing woman smiled and said
“A gentleman would lift his hat for a lady”
He replied “If you get your kit off
Madam it will raise itself, maybe”
DRIVING RAIN
Wipers swish
Expelling the rain drops
Heater whirls
Expelling heat to clear the mist
Headlights burn
Expelling darkness and fear
It’s a dirty night
But the doggers will be here
A STIFF DRINK
Viagra may soon be available in liquid form,
And will assist the flaccid when it’s done
By making it possible for a man to perform
By literally pouring himself a stiff one
IN THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY
If you are the sort of woman who believes
Life is too short to dance with ugly men
Then you almost certainly believe
It’s too short to have sex with them
Just remember that when you get drunk
There are no ugly men to offend you
And I bet you’ve never bedded an ugly man
But I’m sure you’ve woken up with a few
LITTLE BITS OF LUST
HER ALLURE
She makes my thoughts impure
With her seductive allure
I am infected, and I am sure
They will never find a cure
PANDORA
Pandora was a bit of a trollop
You’d often find her round the docks
Though she would disagree
And thought herself a bit of a fox
But what made her more doxy than foxy
Was the odour from Pandora’s box
LOLITA’S SLAVE
This sexually precocious Lolita
Who so enflamed my Ardour
This most vivacious temptress
I longed to hold and caress
Infected me with her allure
And with no antidote or cure
She holds me captive in her spell
And simply bends me by her will
PHILANDER
Flirtation and casual sexual affairs
“Playing away” that is to philander
No sexual conquest is too trivial
A quick blow job or a knee-trembler
LUCKY GUY
I knew from the look in her eyes
That I was the lucky guy
Who in some form or guise
Would get between her thighs
And hear her deep throated cries
Then revel at her climactic sighs
LADY LUST
Lady Lust
Doused in heavy musk
Outrageously flirty
Exotic, erotic, earthy and dirty
She didn’t bother with underwear
She knew what she wanted and didn’t care
A woman full of desire
Looking for someone to quench her fire
On that day she chose me
To satisfy her sexually
And each satisfying penetration
Culminated in ecstatic ejaculation
And I made love to lady lust
Til there was nothing left but dust
YOUNG LOVERS # 2
Those first encounters
Clumsily fumbling in the dark
Those first breathtaking excitements
Of harmless petting
Never a risk to ones virginity
You only ever came in your pants
And never inside a girl
THE LIBERTINE
The libertine, devotee of the immoral
Master of the sexual conquest
Racks up countless sexual relationships
Because that’s what he does best
A real love them and leave them type
He is only interested in sexual gratification
A libertine just satisfies his appetites
And he doesn’t blame it on a mythical addiction
ROSE TINTED GOGGLES
She walked boldly into the pub
Mutton dressed as lamb
In clothes that didn’t suit her figure
Or her generation
She had too many miles on the clock
From all the journeys round the block
She was a real old spunker
With a bad case of “tits on belly”
Plus she had hairy armpits
And was decidedly smelly
Nonetheless viewed through beer goggles
She would look more attractive
And would doubtless see some action
BITCHIN’ BABE
Wow as you passed slowly by
You really caught my eye
With your figure so top class
Can I grope and squeeze your arse?
You have a very ample chest
Can I fumble inside your vest?
Are you moist beneath the waist?
Will you let me have a taste?
Oh your hips gyrate and tease
Let me split your whiskers please
Let me leave you in a state of bliss
If not I will gladly settle for a kiss
WENCH HUNT
A certain healthy horny fellow
With his wild oats to sow
Will seek a field that’s fallow
With a mind to plough the furrow
DESPERATELY SEEKING TOTTIE
In bars and pubs
In joints and clubs
In bawdy brothels
And pervert chapels
In dens of iniquity
You seek promiscuity
Girls of easy virtue
Happy to insert you
She makes my thoughts impure
With her seductive allure
I am infected, and I am sure
They will never find a cure
PANDORA
Pandora was a bit of a trollop
You’d often find her round the docks
Though she would disagree
And thought herself a bit of a fox
But what made her more doxy than foxy
Was the odour from Pandora’s box
LOLITA’S SLAVE
This sexually precocious Lolita
Who so enflamed my Ardour
This most vivacious temptress
I longed to hold and caress
Infected me with her allure
And with no antidote or cure
She holds me captive in her spell
And simply bends me by her will
PHILANDER
Flirtation and casual sexual affairs
“Playing away” that is to philander
No sexual conquest is too trivial
A quick blow job or a knee-trembler
LUCKY GUY
I knew from the look in her eyes
That I was the lucky guy
Who in some form or guise
Would get between her thighs
And hear her deep throated cries
Then revel at her climactic sighs
LADY LUST
Lady Lust
Doused in heavy musk
Outrageously flirty
Exotic, erotic, earthy and dirty
She didn’t bother with underwear
She knew what she wanted and didn’t care
A woman full of desire
Looking for someone to quench her fire
On that day she chose me
To satisfy her sexually
And each satisfying penetration
Culminated in ecstatic ejaculation
And I made love to lady lust
Til there was nothing left but dust
YOUNG LOVERS # 2
Those first encounters
Clumsily fumbling in the dark
Those first breathtaking excitements
Of harmless petting
Never a risk to ones virginity
You only ever came in your pants
And never inside a girl
THE LIBERTINE
The libertine, devotee of the immoral
Master of the sexual conquest
Racks up countless sexual relationships
Because that’s what he does best
A real love them and leave them type
He is only interested in sexual gratification
A libertine just satisfies his appetites
And he doesn’t blame it on a mythical addiction
ROSE TINTED GOGGLES
She walked boldly into the pub
Mutton dressed as lamb
In clothes that didn’t suit her figure
Or her generation
She had too many miles on the clock
From all the journeys round the block
She was a real old spunker
With a bad case of “tits on belly”
Plus she had hairy armpits
And was decidedly smelly
Nonetheless viewed through beer goggles
She would look more attractive
And would doubtless see some action
BITCHIN’ BABE
Wow as you passed slowly by
You really caught my eye
With your figure so top class
Can I grope and squeeze your arse?
You have a very ample chest
Can I fumble inside your vest?
Are you moist beneath the waist?
Will you let me have a taste?
Oh your hips gyrate and tease
Let me split your whiskers please
Let me leave you in a state of bliss
If not I will gladly settle for a kiss
WENCH HUNT
A certain healthy horny fellow
With his wild oats to sow
Will seek a field that’s fallow
With a mind to plough the furrow
DESPERATELY SEEKING TOTTIE
In bars and pubs
In joints and clubs
In bawdy brothels
And pervert chapels
In dens of iniquity
You seek promiscuity
Girls of easy virtue
Happy to insert you
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 1
My thoughts are sinful
As when I look at your perfection
Your body a temple of purity
I think only of its desecration
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 2
My thoughts are sinful
The sordid and lustful kind
I what to rip your clothes off
And roger you from behind
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 3
My thoughts are sinful
Of your beauty lavishly garnished
In a state of partial undress
Your fingers manicured and varnished
Toying with my shaft
Your reputation forever tarnished
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 4
My thoughts are sinful
I like to think of sin
I like to see you smile
I like to see you grin
But I’d really like to see
With my balls upon your chin
My thoughts are sinful
As when I look at your perfection
Your body a temple of purity
I think only of its desecration
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 2
My thoughts are sinful
The sordid and lustful kind
I what to rip your clothes off
And roger you from behind
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 3
My thoughts are sinful
Of your beauty lavishly garnished
In a state of partial undress
Your fingers manicured and varnished
Toying with my shaft
Your reputation forever tarnished
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 4
My thoughts are sinful
I like to think of sin
I like to see you smile
I like to see you grin
But I’d really like to see
With my balls upon your chin
CONCUPISCENCE
CONCUPISCENCE # 1
I have a bar maid fantasy
I would like to serve her
Instead of her serving me
But the service I would perform
If I get my wish
Is to kiss her clitoris
Then with eager tongue
Bring her to climax
And taste the nectar
That sour musk
Of lusts honey
And drink of her
Like a fresh pulled pint
CONCUPISCENCE # 2
Affected by her Joie de vivre
In a way I couldn’t believe
This amazing tour de force
Set me upon an immoral course
And in libidinous concupiscence
I gained valuable sexual experience
CONCUPISCENCE # 3
Each man doth aspire
With she he doth admire
To ignite loves blazing fire
And then the burning desire
Of the impassioned esquire
Is to quench the maiden’s fire
CONCUPISCENCE # 4
In my fecundity I see you
And all the dirty things you do
Self-abuse and things of that kind
And being rogered from behind
But I don’t feel any shame
Because you don’t even know my name
I have a bar maid fantasy
I would like to serve her
Instead of her serving me
But the service I would perform
If I get my wish
Is to kiss her clitoris
Then with eager tongue
Bring her to climax
And taste the nectar
That sour musk
Of lusts honey
And drink of her
Like a fresh pulled pint
CONCUPISCENCE # 2
Affected by her Joie de vivre
In a way I couldn’t believe
This amazing tour de force
Set me upon an immoral course
And in libidinous concupiscence
I gained valuable sexual experience
CONCUPISCENCE # 3
Each man doth aspire
With she he doth admire
To ignite loves blazing fire
And then the burning desire
Of the impassioned esquire
Is to quench the maiden’s fire
CONCUPISCENCE # 4
In my fecundity I see you
And all the dirty things you do
Self-abuse and things of that kind
And being rogered from behind
But I don’t feel any shame
Because you don’t even know my name
21st Century Brits
CUT FROM DIFFERENT CLOTH
My parents were born between the wars,
And in their day
People were cut from different cloth
A sturdy resilient cloth
A cloth that bound the nation together
They were tougher people
Who lived through tough times
The general strike, the depression
The Second World War
20 years of rationing
But life had greater value
Because its pleasures came hard
And life was more than a measure
Of what could be possessed
The post baby boomers
Roll their eyes at such talk
But our country is weaker
And its people
Less sturdy, less resilient
Today we are a ragged nation
Just a collection of frayed threads
THE SELFISH GENERATION
People are loyal only to themselves
They have no sense of nation today
And put their own self-interest first
“What’s in it for me” is what they say
People have many heartfelt opinions
But hardly a one true conviction
When England is once more in peril
This is my sad and sorry prediction
There will be no mass rush to volunteer
Conscription will be met with legal scheming
They only way to get them to join up
Will be to drag them kicking and screaming
ALL ABOUT RIGHTS
I was staggered with an item
On the news last night
About illegal downloads
And breach of copyright
One proposal is to block offender’s broadband
Which I thought was alright
But apparently this in itself is illegal
As broadband is now a human right
What has become of this country?
What brought us to our plight?
What about the Tolpuddle martyrs?
What of the suffragettes fight?
What of battle for equality
These are true issues of human right
If King Arthur returned to us
He would turn and take flight
THE BULLDOG BREED
The British in the past
Seemed to have more grit
The Londoners of old
Bombarded in the Blitz
Shook their fists in defiance
Such were the plucky Brits
People alive today
Would never stand for it
They’d shout about human rights
And probably serve a writ
My parents were born between the wars,
And in their day
People were cut from different cloth
A sturdy resilient cloth
A cloth that bound the nation together
They were tougher people
Who lived through tough times
The general strike, the depression
The Second World War
20 years of rationing
But life had greater value
Because its pleasures came hard
And life was more than a measure
Of what could be possessed
The post baby boomers
Roll their eyes at such talk
But our country is weaker
And its people
Less sturdy, less resilient
Today we are a ragged nation
Just a collection of frayed threads
THE SELFISH GENERATION
People are loyal only to themselves
They have no sense of nation today
And put their own self-interest first
“What’s in it for me” is what they say
People have many heartfelt opinions
But hardly a one true conviction
When England is once more in peril
This is my sad and sorry prediction
There will be no mass rush to volunteer
Conscription will be met with legal scheming
They only way to get them to join up
Will be to drag them kicking and screaming
ALL ABOUT RIGHTS
I was staggered with an item
On the news last night
About illegal downloads
And breach of copyright
One proposal is to block offender’s broadband
Which I thought was alright
But apparently this in itself is illegal
As broadband is now a human right
What has become of this country?
What brought us to our plight?
What about the Tolpuddle martyrs?
What of the suffragettes fight?
What of battle for equality
These are true issues of human right
If King Arthur returned to us
He would turn and take flight
THE BULLDOG BREED
The British in the past
Seemed to have more grit
The Londoners of old
Bombarded in the Blitz
Shook their fists in defiance
Such were the plucky Brits
People alive today
Would never stand for it
They’d shout about human rights
And probably serve a writ
WAR AND WARRIORS
GRANDDADS WAR
In South Africa during the Boer War
Granddad got the key of the door
In France during World War 1
He lay wounded when the day was done
He could have met a very bloody end
But for the bravery of his friend
So he lived to fight another day instead
And died an old man in his own bed
THE SOLDIER’S LAST MUSTER
When the sun is in the west
You will safely go to rest
At the setting of the sun
With your soldiers duties done
You will feel your God is nigh
As you ascend up to the sky
And in earths fading light
Where tears diminish sight
Where loved ones question why
A new star will grace the sky
Gleaming bright in the firmament
Proudly amongst the regiment
To mark the passing of a soldier son
Who died not seeing victory won
Now the time that moves us most
The plaintive lament of the last post
For those falling fighting foes
Heads bow as the bugle blows
BEFORE THE KAISER CAME
Before the Kaiser came
Swallows fed on the wing
Above green meadows
Butterflies danced on the breeze
And birdsong filled the copses
Then the Kaiser came
And no longer did birds sing
Mud filled the meadows
Gunfire echoed on the breeze
And rats fed on the corpses
FLANDERS ENDURED
A wondrous pastoral scene
Green fields and meadows
Woodland and hedgerows
Unchanged for centuries
A beautiful place, a safe place
Then came war’s unkind caress
Which swept away the green
Repainted the pastoral scene
In shades of brown
And turned everything to mud
Tree trunks devoid of branches
Stood like rows of rotted teeth
In the mouth of hell
The fetid stench of detritus
Filled the air
All this did Flanders endure
The blood, the mud, the tears
For four long years
Now another kinder hand
Has touched the land
And colour has returned
From the paint box of peace
SERRIED ROWS OF CROSSES
The landscape changed
From peace to bloody war
A hellish muddy landscape
Those men had to endure
And when war was ended
The living had moved on
The dead remained on parade
To forever guard the Somme
The landscape changed
From bloody war to peace
A sombre mark of the passing
Of those who fell before the cease
Serried ranks of white crosses
Marking those who stayed
To be forever remembered
These fallen comrades on parade
FIGHTING TALK
“You’re fighting for a just cause”
That is the justification
“You’ll make the world a safer place”
“You’ll protect your nation”
These are the politician’s words
Spoken with passion and pride
Spoken away from the line of fire
Spoken from where warmongers hide
Men of empty rhetoric
These politicians never see danger
Safe on their leather seats
They never hear shots fired in anger
PROUD HERITAGE
Like many Englishmen
When our history is revealed
My forebears shed their blood
Men who never thought to yield
On the battlefields of England
And on many a foreign field
In South Africa during the Boer War
Granddad got the key of the door
In France during World War 1
He lay wounded when the day was done
He could have met a very bloody end
But for the bravery of his friend
So he lived to fight another day instead
And died an old man in his own bed
THE SOLDIER’S LAST MUSTER
When the sun is in the west
You will safely go to rest
At the setting of the sun
With your soldiers duties done
You will feel your God is nigh
As you ascend up to the sky
And in earths fading light
Where tears diminish sight
Where loved ones question why
A new star will grace the sky
Gleaming bright in the firmament
Proudly amongst the regiment
To mark the passing of a soldier son
Who died not seeing victory won
Now the time that moves us most
The plaintive lament of the last post
For those falling fighting foes
Heads bow as the bugle blows
BEFORE THE KAISER CAME
Before the Kaiser came
Swallows fed on the wing
Above green meadows
Butterflies danced on the breeze
And birdsong filled the copses
Then the Kaiser came
And no longer did birds sing
Mud filled the meadows
Gunfire echoed on the breeze
And rats fed on the corpses
FLANDERS ENDURED
A wondrous pastoral scene
Green fields and meadows
Woodland and hedgerows
Unchanged for centuries
A beautiful place, a safe place
Then came war’s unkind caress
Which swept away the green
Repainted the pastoral scene
In shades of brown
And turned everything to mud
Tree trunks devoid of branches
Stood like rows of rotted teeth
In the mouth of hell
The fetid stench of detritus
Filled the air
All this did Flanders endure
The blood, the mud, the tears
For four long years
Now another kinder hand
Has touched the land
And colour has returned
From the paint box of peace
SERRIED ROWS OF CROSSES
The landscape changed
From peace to bloody war
A hellish muddy landscape
Those men had to endure
And when war was ended
The living had moved on
The dead remained on parade
To forever guard the Somme
The landscape changed
From bloody war to peace
A sombre mark of the passing
Of those who fell before the cease
Serried ranks of white crosses
Marking those who stayed
To be forever remembered
These fallen comrades on parade
FIGHTING TALK
“You’re fighting for a just cause”
That is the justification
“You’ll make the world a safer place”
“You’ll protect your nation”
These are the politician’s words
Spoken with passion and pride
Spoken away from the line of fire
Spoken from where warmongers hide
Men of empty rhetoric
These politicians never see danger
Safe on their leather seats
They never hear shots fired in anger
PROUD HERITAGE
Like many Englishmen
When our history is revealed
My forebears shed their blood
Men who never thought to yield
On the battlefields of England
And on many a foreign field
LIFE’S HIGHWAY
LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 1
No matter which road I decide to travel along
Road works have got there before me it seems
I think its part of a new government initiative
“The dig up the roads to cause congestion scheme”
LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 2
It seems that no matter which road I travel
As soon as I turn onto it the road works begin
They always get there before me with one exception
There are never any problems on the road to ruin
LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 3
It seems that no matter which road I travel
As soon as I turn onto it the road works begin
But it’s not the road works themselves I mind so much
It’s that they’re never filling the bloody Potholes in
No matter which road I decide to travel along
Road works have got there before me it seems
I think its part of a new government initiative
“The dig up the roads to cause congestion scheme”
LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 2
It seems that no matter which road I travel
As soon as I turn onto it the road works begin
They always get there before me with one exception
There are never any problems on the road to ruin
LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 3
It seems that no matter which road I travel
As soon as I turn onto it the road works begin
But it’s not the road works themselves I mind so much
It’s that they’re never filling the bloody Potholes in
NATURAL VERSE
FALL FESTIVAL
The summer comes to an end
Sooner than anyone believes
And so begins autumns festival
Of dancing painted leaves
LAZY SUMMER
Wildflowers in the meadow
The lark up in the sky
The days are long and languid
The land is warm and dry
The lazy days of summer
Just pass you slowly by
THE AMBLING STREAM
The early morning sun
Glints on the ambling stream
Where the Kingfisher hunts
And lovers go to dream
THE CRUEL SEA
In the sunlight it flatters to deceive
But don’t be fooled by its calm exterior
For beneath the welcoming surface
You will succumb to its true nature
Its lures you into a false sense of security
Its intent is to drag you to its depths
Sap your strength, every ounce of energy
And squeeze from your body every breath
She will let you surface for a breath
Then drag you down again out of reach
Then when she has toyed with you enough
She dumps you lifeless on the beach
LONG LAZY SUMMER DAYS
Long lazy summer days
Collecting shells along the shore
Long lazy childhood days
I wish them back once more
The summer comes to an end
Sooner than anyone believes
And so begins autumns festival
Of dancing painted leaves
LAZY SUMMER
Wildflowers in the meadow
The lark up in the sky
The days are long and languid
The land is warm and dry
The lazy days of summer
Just pass you slowly by
THE AMBLING STREAM
The early morning sun
Glints on the ambling stream
Where the Kingfisher hunts
And lovers go to dream
THE CRUEL SEA
In the sunlight it flatters to deceive
But don’t be fooled by its calm exterior
For beneath the welcoming surface
You will succumb to its true nature
Its lures you into a false sense of security
Its intent is to drag you to its depths
Sap your strength, every ounce of energy
And squeeze from your body every breath
She will let you surface for a breath
Then drag you down again out of reach
Then when she has toyed with you enough
She dumps you lifeless on the beach
LONG LAZY SUMMER DAYS
Long lazy summer days
Collecting shells along the shore
Long lazy childhood days
I wish them back once more
SAPPHO’S INTIMATE KISS
In my nakedness I surrendered to her
Yielding to her dominance
Like a bitch before her alpha
Proffering my soft underbelly
She knelt before me
And pushed my thighs apart
My head swam
And my heart beat hard in my chest
Blood coursed through my veins
And roared in my ears
Then she leant forward
And kissed my quivering belly
And began her southerly progression
Moving slowly and purposely
And kissing my skin along the route
She paused to nuzzled my bush
Savoring the scent
Then she arrived at the source of my anticipation
The mound of eager flesh
The expectant petals open
Moist like a dewy rose
Then her tongue touched the petals
Of my moist blossom
And my body shook
With each clitoral stimulation
Of this oral assignation
My body quaked in spasm
Of each successive orgasm
Until I reached that enviable state of bliss
Thanks to Sappho’s intimate kiss
Yielding to her dominance
Like a bitch before her alpha
Proffering my soft underbelly
She knelt before me
And pushed my thighs apart
My head swam
And my heart beat hard in my chest
Blood coursed through my veins
And roared in my ears
Then she leant forward
And kissed my quivering belly
And began her southerly progression
Moving slowly and purposely
And kissing my skin along the route
She paused to nuzzled my bush
Savoring the scent
Then she arrived at the source of my anticipation
The mound of eager flesh
The expectant petals open
Moist like a dewy rose
Then her tongue touched the petals
Of my moist blossom
And my body shook
With each clitoral stimulation
Of this oral assignation
My body quaked in spasm
Of each successive orgasm
Until I reached that enviable state of bliss
Thanks to Sappho’s intimate kiss
LOVE IS MORE
Love is more
Than aesthetics
Beauty is only skin deep
It may be what you first notice
Or what first gets you noticed
But it’s not enough
Love is more than the flashy cover on a book
Love is
What can’t be seen at first glance
It’s what’s beneath the surface
It’s the detail on every page of the book
That has to be studied
It’s what remains when beauty fades
It is the constant
Love is more
Than physical attraction
Or physical expression of that attraction
Even when it’s fantastic
It’s not enough
Love is
What you do in between the sex
Not just kisses that delight
It’s in the conversation
And the understanding
It’s holding hands and not caring who sees
Its walks in the country
It’s dancing cheek to cheek to cheesy love-songs
It’s caring and sharing
Love is being diminished by its loss
Than aesthetics
Beauty is only skin deep
It may be what you first notice
Or what first gets you noticed
But it’s not enough
Love is more than the flashy cover on a book
Love is
What can’t be seen at first glance
It’s what’s beneath the surface
It’s the detail on every page of the book
That has to be studied
It’s what remains when beauty fades
It is the constant
Love is more
Than physical attraction
Or physical expression of that attraction
Even when it’s fantastic
It’s not enough
Love is
What you do in between the sex
Not just kisses that delight
It’s in the conversation
And the understanding
It’s holding hands and not caring who sees
Its walks in the country
It’s dancing cheek to cheek to cheesy love-songs
It’s caring and sharing
Love is being diminished by its loss
I AM THE WOMAN
When a door opens
And a siren enters the room
And every head turns
I am that woman
When the siren slinks
And you can here a pin drop
As the mouths fall open
I am that woman
When the wives tut
And girlfriends whisper
And men’s eyes undress
I am that woman
When a mouth is just another orifice
And conversing eye to eye
Is really eye to breast
I am that woman
I am the woman
Oozing sexual desire
I am the woman
Men and women picture naked
I am the woman
They all want to possess
When you are valued
For what’s between your legs
Than between your ears
I am that woman
When you are called a whore
And treated like a slut
Viewed like a piece of meat
I am that woman
They call me tart
They call me siren,
They call me temptress
They call me vamp
I want to be called sweetheart
I want to be called darling
I want to be called mum
I am the woman
Considered to be desirable
I am the woman
That oozes sexuality
I am the woman
Who can have any man she chooses
I am the woman
Who want to be chosen
By a man who can see me!
And a siren enters the room
And every head turns
I am that woman
When the siren slinks
And you can here a pin drop
As the mouths fall open
I am that woman
When the wives tut
And girlfriends whisper
And men’s eyes undress
I am that woman
When a mouth is just another orifice
And conversing eye to eye
Is really eye to breast
I am that woman
I am the woman
Oozing sexual desire
I am the woman
Men and women picture naked
I am the woman
They all want to possess
When you are valued
For what’s between your legs
Than between your ears
I am that woman
When you are called a whore
And treated like a slut
Viewed like a piece of meat
I am that woman
They call me tart
They call me siren,
They call me temptress
They call me vamp
I want to be called sweetheart
I want to be called darling
I want to be called mum
I am the woman
Considered to be desirable
I am the woman
That oozes sexuality
I am the woman
Who can have any man she chooses
I am the woman
Who want to be chosen
By a man who can see me!
DEAR PRUDENCE
I was given the challenge
Well in truth it was a bet
And the bet was to get a date
With Prudence the librarian
Whose coldness was legend
It would be a tall order
But I picked up the gauntlet
And headed to the library
I walked up to the desk
And there she stood
She was short in stature
But imposing nonetheless
Her countenance was severe
Thick chestnut hair
Pulled back off severely off her face
Her make up would best be described
As minimalist
And she peered at me
Over thick framed spectacles
She wore a chunky beige sweater
Two sizes too big which hid her shape
And a dark pleated skirt, knee length
Over thick black wool tights
And the not unattractive legs
Terminated into sensible shoes
I tried small talk
But she was not receptive
Her demeanor was positively frosty
Every enquiry she batted back to me in the negative
But despite everything
There was something about her that I liked
Something intangible
curiously she was not my type
in any way, but still there was something
So I decided to persevere
But because I wanted to
Not because I had to
So firstly I paid off on the bet
I wasn’t doing it for a stupid bet
But because of that intangible something
An itch I couldn’t scratch kind of thing
Realizing small talk would get me nowhere
I thought I would try a different tack
And converse with her on her own terms
I had to engage her intellect
So each day I would go to the library
And ask her to recommend a book
Which we could then discuss each day
And each day she thawed a little
Then I posed her questions,
History, Geography, the arts
I found her to be both knowledgeable and interesting
And I found that I was becoming interested
In the subjects we were discussing
And looked forward to our time together
As each day she thawed a little more
I wanted to have more
Than just the few precious hours at the library
But I didn’t want to undo what I had achieved
Upset the status quo
And refrigerate her again
Then at the end of one particular day
Prudence asked me
“Would you like to go for a coffee?”
I was speechless but nodded in the affirmative
Later she told me
She fell for me because I engaged her mind
And valued her for what was between her ears
And not what was between her legs
Or inside her sweater
Well in truth it was a bet
And the bet was to get a date
With Prudence the librarian
Whose coldness was legend
It would be a tall order
But I picked up the gauntlet
And headed to the library
I walked up to the desk
And there she stood
She was short in stature
But imposing nonetheless
Her countenance was severe
Thick chestnut hair
Pulled back off severely off her face
Her make up would best be described
As minimalist
And she peered at me
Over thick framed spectacles
She wore a chunky beige sweater
Two sizes too big which hid her shape
And a dark pleated skirt, knee length
Over thick black wool tights
And the not unattractive legs
Terminated into sensible shoes
I tried small talk
But she was not receptive
Her demeanor was positively frosty
Every enquiry she batted back to me in the negative
But despite everything
There was something about her that I liked
Something intangible
curiously she was not my type
in any way, but still there was something
So I decided to persevere
But because I wanted to
Not because I had to
So firstly I paid off on the bet
I wasn’t doing it for a stupid bet
But because of that intangible something
An itch I couldn’t scratch kind of thing
Realizing small talk would get me nowhere
I thought I would try a different tack
And converse with her on her own terms
I had to engage her intellect
So each day I would go to the library
And ask her to recommend a book
Which we could then discuss each day
And each day she thawed a little
Then I posed her questions,
History, Geography, the arts
I found her to be both knowledgeable and interesting
And I found that I was becoming interested
In the subjects we were discussing
And looked forward to our time together
As each day she thawed a little more
I wanted to have more
Than just the few precious hours at the library
But I didn’t want to undo what I had achieved
Upset the status quo
And refrigerate her again
Then at the end of one particular day
Prudence asked me
“Would you like to go for a coffee?”
I was speechless but nodded in the affirmative
Later she told me
She fell for me because I engaged her mind
And valued her for what was between her ears
And not what was between her legs
Or inside her sweater
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