JOY BRINGER

Seductively on your knees
As you tantalise and tease
Playing rough then tender
As you expertly render
On me your divine Fellatio
Such ecstasy you can bestow
How expertly you perform
Bringing me towards the storm
On the brink you bring me back
Restoring the control I lack
Oh how I thought you demure
Erotic bringer of pleasure
How many times will it be?
How many points of ecstasy
How many times until
You choose to drink your fill

MISMATCH

I do love you
You must accept that as a given
There was never any question
Of my not loving you
But there was always something missing
You must have felt it too
A “close but no cigar” kind of feeling
So I do love you
But no matter how great the love
The uncomfortable truth is
You’re not the one
You’re not my soul mate
I wish you were
Because I do love you
But we are not a matched pair
Almost but not quite
But she’s out there
Somewhere, waiting, wondering
Maybe having this same conversation
With her mismatch
She’s out there
The perfect one
The one made for me
The one I was made for
We only get one chance
To get it right
And we have got it wrong
He is out there somewhere
Your perfect half
Who will make you whole
And make you happy
You must seek yours out
And I must search for mine

WHAT BECOMES OF THE BROKEN HEARTED?

This tale is of once upon a time
That happened not so long ago
When a man proposed to a lady
And the lady in question said no

Now you might have expected
The man to be broken hearted
But he lived happily ever after
From the moment that they parted

He slept as long as he wanted
Watched sport on TV all day
Drank from dawn till dusk
And ate every kind of takeaway

He wore comfortable clothes
And socks with his sandles
And broke wind when he wanted
Sometimes over lighted candles

But this story did not end well
For his lifestyle affected his heart
He died of a heart attack at thirty nine
After a particularly violent fart

KISS OF LIFE

The greatest gift you can bestow,
The most wonderful that I know
Is when you attend to me down below
And instantly make me swell and grow
Performing on me seductively slow
Oh what ecstasy when you blow
Until my sweet culmination apropos
With your divinely erotic fellatio

OH DREARY WINTER

Oh dreary winter
You have over stayed
Your grey skies
Are not welcome
I know spring is close
I look at the grey lake
With the duck on it
The only splash of colour
In the late winter landscape
But I see the hints of spring
Everywhere around me
And the promise of daffodils
Lilacs and butterflies
So winter its time to go
Your welcome is worn out

NATURAL HIGH

From the moment I met you
I’ve been on a high
A natural high
I feel like I’m walking on air
I giggle to my self
Or laugh out loud
For no reason
And if I start to come down
And I need a fix
I think back to our first kiss
Or the first time I held your hand
Or I re read your love letters
And I’m floating again
Or I’ll call you on the phone
Just to hear your sweet voice
And the call will last for hours
Since falling in love with you
You’ve made me feel young again
With your joy of life
As we run through sprinklers
And swing on the swings
Or make sand castles on the beach
Everything is a joy when I’m with you
Driving in the country
Queuing at the supermarket
Every moment is filled
With good conversation
Punctuated with special glances
We share each other
We share a hot shower
We share a bubble bath. We share a bed
We lie in bed and listen to the rain
My fingers playing with your hair
And I look into your eyes
And I know you love me
I see it looking back at me
Since we fell in love
I’ve been on a high
A natural high
And I never want to come down

TALES OF TOPOGRAPHIC NOTIONS

Strong hands explore
The pure silk landscape
In gentle topography
Tracing her features
Beneath his fingers
Mapping her contours
Her sensual curvature
The undulating terrain
Soft mounds contrasted
By prominent peaks
Then across the flatness
Of the tremulous plain
Thru sparse coarse undergrowth
To the hot moist valley beyond
Strong hands explore
And as fingers probe
The pure silk landscape
Reforms beneath his touch

NOSTALGIA, THOSE WERE THE DAYS

We all think that when we were young
The sun shone for 23 hours a day
Not altogether true
But it seems that way in hindsight
But things always look better looking back
They were more innocent times
More naïve times
There were things that were not said
Or not discussed in mixed company
Now anything goes
For example we didn’t have to endure
Endless TV ads for sanitary products and pantie liners
Thrush medicine or haemorrhoid cream
Or women discussing their bladder weakness or blocked bowels
Way back then we only had the three TV channels,
Which was enough
And the network shut down at 10.30
So we knew when to go to bed
And there was no such thing as daytime telly
The soap of the day was “Coronation Street“
And from America “Peyton Place”
For the kids “Noggin the Nog”
“Mr. Pastry” or the “Wombles”
“Captain Pugwash” with seaman Stanes
And Roger the cabin boy
Comedy like “Sykes”, “The Good Life”
And “Morecambe and Wise”
Sid and Hattie in the “Carry Ons
Grass hopper in “Kung Fu”
“Land of the giants”, “Blake’s Seven” and “Dr Who”
You could still watch sport on terrestrial
With “Grandstand” on the Beeb
And on ITV, Dickie Davis with “World of sport”
Now we have hundreds of channels
Showing the same programs we used to watch on three channels
In the music world the “Rolling Stones”
Were closer to puberty than senility
Music came on vinyl though we just called them records
The first record I bought was “Good news week”
By Hedgehoppers Anonymous
You could buy LP’s, singles and audio cassettes
Even 8 track though not very long lived
Petrol was only five bob a gallon
While beer was just 10p a pint
Penny chews and sweets in a jar
Oh for the time when you could still get
Treats, opal fruits and spangles
Back then gay still meant happy
And everyone wore a ticka ticka Timex on their wrist,
That you had to wind up.
It was a time when we all wanted to be in love
Like Celia Johnson and Trevor Howard in “Brief Encounter”
And we didn’t think it was corny when Bette said
“Gerry lets not ask for the moon we already have the stars”
It was a time when we all wanted to be suave and debonair
Just like Fred Astaire
And dance with panache and savoir fare
Its not that I’m a cup half empty kind of guy
But things do look better looking back
At a time before political correctness was invented
And you could laugh at a joke and not worry
That someone you have never met and probably will never meet
Might be offended by it
Or more likely upset someone who got offended on their behalf
Take me back to simpler times

DREAM GIRL

When you have admired from afar
Idealising that someone
For so very, very long
You envisage all the special moments
You will share together
In the most incredible detail
Such as when you ask her out
And of course when she says yes,
Holding hands on the first date
And of course the first kiss
You rerun those moments in your head over and over
Endowing them with magical properties
That reality could never hope to match
Reality can never equal fantasy

But comes the day when you summon the courage
And you do ask her out
And she does indeed say yes
Though not in the swept off her feet kind of way
That you had imagined
You do indeed hold hands on the first date
But it feels a little awkward
Like this is not quite what she had in mind
And again doesn’t quite live up to your preconception

Then all too soon we are at her door
We chat uncomfortably
Make small talk and laugh nervously
We say goodnight, then again, and again
Then she reached up and pulled my head towards hers
Then slightly hesitant, our lips met for the first time
A tender kiss gentle and languid
I closed my eyes
As the intensity grew
As it became more fervent
Then ardent led to passionate
Then I surrendered to the moment
And lost my self completely in her embrace

As I walked home alone
The taste of her still on my lips
I conceded that I was correct
When I thought reality could never equal fantasy
Because reality was so much better

THAT DECEITFUL MOUTH

Don’t speak to me with that mouth
That deceitful mouth
Which lies while smiling to my face

Don’t speak through your weak mouth
Too weak to resist temptation
Whose lips kiss in unforgivable betrayal

Don’t speak to me with that mouth
That has embraced another
A mouth full of cheapened kisses

Don’t speak through your weak mouth
Don’t dare to seek to justify
Your unjustifiable infidelities

Don’t speak through that odious mouth
That unspeakable dishonest mouth
Your unclean vessel of elicit fellatio

Don’t with those unfaithful lips
Whose kisses caressed anothers skin
Speak my name in terms of love

Don’t say sorry with that mouth
Don’t contaminate my ears
With platitudes and insincerity

Speak to me with that insidious mouth
That foul and deceitful mouth
Only to utter a final goodbye

SNOW WHITE AND THE EIGHT DWARFS

Snow Whites wicked step mother
Was the Queen and a bit of a vamp
And often known to use her allure
On the men at the soldiers camp

She was jealous of Snow White
With her youth and innocent beauty
Feeling she might distract
The soldiers from doing their duty

So she had the woodsman take her
To the great forest and with his axe
The Queen had instructed him
To give her several whacks

But he could not kill the beautiful girl
So he told her to run and hide
And never return to the castle
It was in the forest she must abide

So she ran deep into the woods
And just as she was feeling tired
She came upon a little cottage
Which she very much admired

So she knocked on the little door
And a pompous dwarf opened it
“I’m looking for somewhere to stay
Could I stay with you for a bit?”

Prof said, she could stay for one night
Providing she helped with the chores
But she could stay for as long as she liked
In exchange for her sexual favours

Snow White thought for a moment
About the Profs indecent proposal
She decided that it suited her very well
As she did like a little cock after all

So they all had a go on Snow White
Prof was first then Blusher and Misery
They woke up Narcolepsy for his turn
Then Allergy, Cheerful and Divvy

She was a little disappointed with the sex
Not coming always made her grumpy
But then the eighth dwarf turned up
And this ones name was stumpy

THE GIRL ON THE BUS

I climbed the stairs
To the top deck
Then I found a seat
And sat
Then I heard a voice say “hi”
It was soft and gently spoken
I turned towards the voice
Which emanated from a girl
With the warmest smile
And her red hair ablaze
In the morning sun
And with her head slightly inclined
She said again “hi”
That’s all
Just “hi”
And with that simple word
Came her smiling eyes
Beneath her blazing hair
And a radiant glow
And a feeling came over me
A peaceful warm feeling
As warm as her smile
Then all at once
I felt so at ease
As if I had known her forever
Though I had seen her only once before
And did not think she had seen me
All she said was “hi”
But her tone spoke volumes
I returned her smile
And tamely said “hello”
I wanted to say so much more
She smiled again
This time with the heat
To match her flaming locks
I needed no words
As with that wondrous smile
All my questions were answered

SIR LANCELOT A’BOILS

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
On the battle field
Gave great service to his King
And never thought to yield

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
At the court of his King
Gave great service to his Queen
And Arthur didn’t do a thing

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
At the court unseen
Gave great service to his King
As King Arthur was a queen

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
Camelot’s love machine
Gave great service to the court
To peasant and King and all in between

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
Did eventually exceed
Having given a lifetime of service
He died when he tried to shag his steed

AND THE BEST PICTURE IS

It’s that time of the year once more
When the motion picture industry
Pat them selves on their collective backs
And mark another year in their history

But when the time comes
How do we choose what to see?
Film reviews are little help
And critics add no clarity

Industry spokesmen and women
Film critics and film reviewers
Those who form the Oscar collective
Are of little use to film viewers

“Best picture Oscar” must be good
Well I fell in that trap
I watched “Gangs of New York”
And it turned out to be crap

Also I have found I am out of step
With the film critics view
So you have to decipher the code
That’s all you have to do

Just follow this simple guide
“Critically Acclaimed” = Crap
“Stunning cinematography” = No story
“Award winning soundtrack” = Artie crap

“Thought provoking” = No car chases
“Dark” = Badly lit
“Moving” = Alright for girls
“Moody” = Poor dialog and badly lit

“Oscar nominated” = Wasn’t good enough
“Poignant = Has no plot
“Oscar winning” = Over hyped
“Gritty” = They say fuck a lot

These simple tips may help
Save you wasting precious time
Watching an ill described film
Best designated as a crime

THREE SEASONS IN A WEEK

It was a bracing walk
The sun shone brightly on the lake,
A weak autumnal sun,
Bright but un-warming
And a light wind stirred the branches
Of the leafless weeping cherry tree
And added to the chill
The familiar pair of resident ducks
Bobbed on the choppy surface
Seemingly oblivious to the cold
Mist on the distant mountains
Hinted at what was to come
By the time I pushed open my front gate
I was suitably refreshed
And glad to be home

That night the storm hit
A storm that began as a hurricane
Far out across the ocean
Then as it hit the land
It was merely a tropical storm
When it got to us it was just a storm
But what a storm it was
Thick black clouds turning day to night
It rained and promised to rain even more
Inches and inches of rain
Large gray drops ran down the bare trees
And splashed on the grey waters of the lake
Bouncing off the green and brown backs
Of the resilient swimming ducks
The Hurricanes remnants
Took three days to pass
And left the lake considerable deeper
.
In the calm after the storm
We basked in the warmth
Of a bonus summers like day
Left in the tropical storms wake
The two ducks swam lazily across the still water
Bees were out looking for flowers
Ants crawled around in the grass,
Adding to their winter stock of food.
And squirrels chattered away
As they searched for acorns and pine nuts
And ran amongst the shadows
Of the dogwood trees
A blue heron flew to the very top
Of the leafless weeping cherry tree
Doubtless lost in the storm
It spent the day recharging its batteries
And getting its bearings
Later it joined the ducks on the water
Obviously to ask directions

The next day summer had gone again
And autumn had returned
The day began with an overcast sky and chilly breeze
Later as I walked for a while beside the lake
It had become a warm and sunny day.
Warm of course, is a relative term
It was above freezing, just
The sun was bright; the wind light but cold
All was silent, the waters calm
A duck slept in the shadow
Of the leafless weeping cherry
The other was close by but silent
And the blue heron was perched,
Motionless, on the top of the bare dogwood
Before it launched itself
And after circling the lake once it was on its way
The squirrels were hiding
I saw no bees searching for flowers
And the ants were out of sight

Winter arrived yesterday
With heavy snow falling in the morning
Then the skies cleared
And the temperature plummeted
Today the landscape wass even more beautiful
And the lake was frozen
The ducks were no where to be seen
I don’t know where they go
But they always come back
The ground is crisp under foot
And it is very very cold
The squirrels were the only creatures I saw
And they were happily raiding their stores
Feasting on acorns and chasing around
I decided it was too cold for me
And headed for the fireside
To reflect on this week’s abundance of seasons

21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 001

Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
With tattoos on their hips and a stud thru the nose
And a couple of quid buys you a couple of ho’s

21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 002

Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
Who gets down on her knees and gives the best blows
And you can come in her mouth till it comes out her nose

21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 003
Mary was a little flirt
With big seductive eyes
And many a lucky lad
Had been between her thighs

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 90

The Sandman's coming
In his train of cars
Think! Tiredness kills
Stop at the next services

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 91

What are little boys made of?Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of!"
What are big boys made of?Chips and ales, and chasing girls tails
That's what big boys are made of!"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 92

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,Went outside with no trousers on
Both shoes off and no pants on
Along came a policeman “You’re nicked son”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 93

Seesaw Margery Daw Johnny shall have a new masterHe shall earn but a penny a day
Because his employer is a bastard

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 94

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,Tapping at the window and crying through the lock,Come on everyone and look at my - undergarments

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 95

What are little girls made of?"Sugar and spice and all things nice
That's what little girls are made of!"

What are big girls made of?"Allure and entice and all kinds of vice
That's what big girls are made of!"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 96

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
And in the winter snow
It stood out against the white

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 97

One two buckle my shoe
Three, four, Velcro you woreFive, six, slip-ons you pickSeven, eight, lace them up straightNine, ten, slip-ons again Eleven, twelve, dig and delveThirteen, fourteen, specialist shopping

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 98

One two buckle my shoe
Three, Four, Excuse me miss?
Do you have these in a size 10 sling-back?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 99

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
And her defence in court would be
She was suffering from PMT

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 100

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
When she saw what she had done,
She gave the bitch another one

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 101

Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horseWith rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
If you give her ten pounds then anything goes

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 102

Mary had a little secret
She was a bit of a lush
She was not white as snow
But pure as the driven slush

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 103

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She never ate her ride
But ate the lamb of course

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 104

Mary had a little lamb
It died but she wasn’t sad
She did love her little lamb
But she really loved kebabs

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 105

Mary had a little skirt
It was way above knees
And when she sat down
You could see her fleece

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 106

Mary was a little tart
Who really put it about
Young men flocked to her
And none of them went without

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 107

Hush a bye baby, on the tree top,When the wind blows the cradle will rock;When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall,And down will come baby, cradle and all.
But don’t worry it’ll be ok, if you live in Harringay

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 108

The North wind doth blow and we shall have snowPavements won’t be cleared and roads won’t see grit
Council employees will sit in the depot keeping warm
While the rest of us citizens have to get on with it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 109

This is the house that Jack built!This is mortgage on the house that Jack built.This is the rat that foreclosed on the mortgage
That was on the house that Jack built.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 110

Young lambs to sell, young lambs to sellIf I won the lottery how I would yell
If I won so much money that I couldn’t tell
That I could taste and touch and smell
I would never have to cry, "Young lambs to sell"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 111

The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day;The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away.Which is just as well because the Queen of Hearts can’t bake
And if she’d served them to the King he’d have burnt her at the stake

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 112

It's raining; it's pouring.
The old man is snoring.
We should have changed but instead,
We didn’t and we’ll all be dead by morning
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 113

Jack and Jill went into town
To have a drink with each other
They both fell down
Outside the crown
And then threw up in the gutter

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 114

Higgledy Piggledy, My fat hen, She lays eggs Full of Collagen
Good for women, And good for men, Higgledy Piggledy, My fat hen!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 115

Hey diddle dinkety, poppety, pet,The Bankers of London should wear scarlet;As a mark of dishonour to shame them
But they carry on as before these banking men

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 116

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.He does it for attention so everyone can see
Because he thinks that he’s a celebrity

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 117

“Where are you going, my pretty maid?" "I'm going clubbing, mate," she said. "May I go with you, my pretty maid?" "Only if you're paying, mate," she said.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 118

When good King Arthur ruled this land,He was a goodly king;
But Lancelot did shag the Queenand that was not the thing
So he killed the queen but spared lance
As he was still loyal to his king

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 119

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She could never eat her ride
But lamb with mint sauce?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 120

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
No one was to tease
That everyone agreed
As she was the daughter of Herman Munster

A HUMEROUS COLLECTION

SUBTLE DIFFERENCE

There is a subtle difference
Between “Put” and “Putt”
In meaning as well as spelling
I will attempt to elucidate
Their subtle difference
Clearly in the telling

“Put” means to place something
Where you ultimately want it
“Putt” is an unrealistic attempt
To do the same with the ball you hit

NO FRILLS

Ryanair have had to execute
Disembarkation via escape chutes
There was no emergency however
It’s just Mr O’Leary being clever
Disembarking on the runway
Is the latest “no frills” way

GOOD JOB SON

My son got a job today
At a bowling establishment
“Ten pin” I asked him
“Oh no” he said “it’s permanent”

A TIMELY REFLECTION

I am feeling my age
Now I’m of the silver haired class
But on the bright side
I’m still on the right side of the grass

A MEASURED REFLECTION

When I was young
I was broad minded
And narrow hipped
Now I’m middle aged
My proportions
Appear to have flipped

TAKAWAY BLUES

Last weekend my dad tried
A new Indian takeaway
He said it was very good
But he suffered the next day

He was violently sick
And was rushed into hospital
But he’s on the mend
And has no ill effects at all

The bhajis contained tulip bulbs
Obviously not the right thing
The hospital has said
He won't be out until the spring.

A DEEP DESIRE

After many long years
Of happy marriage
I still look at my wife with hunger
I hunger to see her
In something long and flowing
Like the River Humber

AGE OLD LIES # 1

Of all the age old lies
Which one do we hear most?
Well when owed money its
“The cheque is in the post”

When you hear that said
You know there is no hope
Because the simple truth is
It never made it to the envelope

SOME MORE 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 83

Higgledy, piggledy, my pet hen
She lays eggs for gentlemen
Well actually well all said and done
She’s an Essex hen and lays for anyone

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 84

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - perhaps she'll die!
Well she will if we don’t get rid of this useless bloody government

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 85

Star light star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Get my hands in Glenda’s tights

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 86

There was a little guinea-pig,
Who, being little, was not big;
But from its head down to its feet
It was extremely good to eat

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 87

The lion and the unicorn
Were fighting for the crown
The lion beat the unicorn
All around the town
The vicious ambitious lion
Beat the poor unicorn so cute
But with one final effort
The unicorn killed the great hairy brute

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 88

Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
When the pie was launched the tills began to sing,
It seems that McDonalds will fob you off with anything

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 89

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she didn't know what to do!
Sadly this case is not an exception
If only her daughters had used contraception

FEVERISH

FEVERISH ONCE AGAIN

That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by infatuation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed swain flu

FEVERISH ONCE MORE

That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
In contact with evergreen vegetation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed Pine flu

FEVERISH MORE AND MORE

That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by infatuation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed swoon flu

TROUBLE AT MILL

It’s an absolute calamity
I’ve never heard the like of it
I just heard on the news
Up north they are running out of grit

What will become of us?
When the north is finally bereft
It was the northern grit
That made this nation the best

SNOOZE VILLE

I want to inhabit forever
That special place that dreams fill
That safe and cosy place
Beneath the duvet in Snooze Ville

Between wake and slumber
A place that fulfils wishes
Where lover’s hands are held
And lips deliver stolen kisses

A place where dreams come true
Where loved ones live forever
A place where all is forgiven
And success comes with any endeavour

Where you can embrace forbidden lovers
Sweet moments of utter bliss
Or be together again with first loves
With kisses and caresses to reminisce

I want to inhabit forever
That special place that Dreams fill
That safe and cosy place
Beneath the duvet in Snooze Ville

DO YOU KNOW THIS MAN?

What would you call a man?
With a big belly and no dress sense
Who never replies to your letters
A man that’s too lazy to shave
And is obsessed with stockings,
Who can only be relied upon for one day a year
Will never stop to ask for directions
A man who only owns one suit
Never gets you the present you asked for
And needs to be rewarded with food and drink
Oh and always leaves the dirty dishes
Well what do you think? Could be any man alive eh?
So what would you call this man?
I would call him Santa

TIGER, TIGER – CHOICES

Tiger Woods was undecided,
Iron or wood that was the quandary
Eventually he settled on
A Fire hydrant followed by a tree

TIGER, TIGER - OUT AND ABOUT

Elin was asked what she and Tiger were doing
Out and about in the early hours of the morning
She said she couldn’t answer for Tiger
But for herself she was out clubbing

TIGER, TIGER - SHORT YARDAGE

Tiger can drive a golf ball
400 yards, effortlessly
But can only drive a car
Little more than three

WE’LL ALL BE KILLED

They tell us we are in the grip of another
Catastrophic climate crisis
That will drown the world
By melting the polar ices
Well if you are unconvinced
That the sword of doom is falling
Then you know the argument is weak
When data is replaced by name calling
Anyone not on message
Gordon Brown tells us in his piety
That we are no better
That the flat earth society
Well is it any wonder we are sceptics
When in the eighties we were told
By the doom Sayers
We would all die because of the hole
In the ozone layer
If we did not act we would kill
The polar bears and the Pandas
Well to be frank someone sold a lot of fridges
On the back of that propaganda

TIGER, TIGER – TRAPPINGS

Being on the top of his sport
Tiger Woods is wealthy,
And he enjoys the trappings
Of being financially healthy
He has bought luxury cars
With what he has won
Once all in pristine condition
But now has a hole-in-one.

SODS LAW

Sods law has been proven
Without any doubt
For as the law was being written
The pen ran out

TIGER, TIGER – STROKE PLAY

Elin Woods admitted
Assaulting Tiger
“How many times”?
The police asked her
She thought for a moment
"I’m not sure exactly”
Then with a nod she said
“Mark me down for a three”

ORIGAMI CLUB

When I was at Uni
I joined an origami club
It was only small
And we met at the local pub
But it didn’t last long
If truth be told
The membership dwindled
And it had to fold

TIGER, TIGER – TIPS AND POINTERS

Elin’s phone hasn’t stopped
Since the tale hit the papers
Every golfer in the world
Wants to speak to her
To get some pointersOn how to beat Tiger

FEVERISH AGAIN AND AGAIN

That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by intoxication
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed wine flu

TIGER, TIGER – MUTUAL APPRECIATION CLUB

Tiger should now have
Sympathy for baby seals
With first hand knowledge
Of how they feel
As Tiger and the baby seal
Have in common
That they’ve both been clubbed
By a Scandinavian

FEVERISH YET AGAIN

That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
Turned out to be MAN flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed whine flu

TIGER, TIGER – THE TIGER

Tiger, Tiger, what a plight
Laying prone out like a light
What mortal hand blacked your eye?
And left you staring at the sky

What greater wounds would be
On your bruised and battered body
If your wife had on reflection
Thought carefully about her club selection

WHAT A LOAD OF BANKERS

Bonuses are a reward for a job well done
In short they have to be earned
But you gave yourselves bonuses
While you were fucking up the world
You even gave yourselves bonuses
When we all knew you’d fucked up the world
And you gave yourselves bonuses
While we bailed you out from your fuck ups
And now you are rewarding yourselves again
But not for a job well done
Now you’re giving yourselves bonuses
Simply for not fucking up

BRITISH AIRWAYS AND THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
An apology from Willie

On the second day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the third day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the fourth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the fifth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the sixth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the seventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the eighth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the ninth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the tenth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the eleventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the twelfth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Twelve days of hell
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

FEVERISH AGAIN

I am suffering from gammon flu
It’s not particularly nasty
I was suffering from swine flu
But then they cured me

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 2

It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
In a typical parish establishment
Full of the inebriated and the loose
She we should have a Christmas goose

TWO THOUSAND YEARS HAVE PASSED

Two thousand years have passed
Since you died on that cross of pain
Dying for our salvation
Which began your holy reign

Two thousand years have passed
And when Christmas comes again
We will celebrate the day of you birth
Which began your holy reign

CHRISTMAS PASSED

I miss my dad, I miss my mum
And my brother now he’s gone
But though we are forever apart
They live on still in my heart
Through every special memory
Of the time they shared with me
So although they have gone away
They will be with me on Christmas day

BRIGHTEST TIME

At Christmas time
There is only one thing
Brighter than the Christmas lights
And that is the magical look
On a child’s face
Full of wonder and delight

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 7

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Hotel
There were creatures emitting a terrible smell
And the cause of the awful pungent aroma
Was an octogenarian party from Cromer

MY FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS GIFT

My favourite Christmas gift
Costs nothing it’s free
It’s the overflowing gift of joy
I get from my family

TREE OF LIFE

Proudly standing there
In the town’s main square
The Christmas tree stands tall
Admired by one and all
Decked with coloured lights
Of red and green and blue and white
And every kind of coloured bauble
Short and long, large and small
Candy canes and bows adorn it
And myriad forms of other trinkets
This wonder easily catches the eye
Of every busy passer by
Who simply marvel at the sight
With open mouthed delight
Who before they continue on their way
Have to wipe a tear away
But it’s not the tree reaching to the sky
That brings a tear to the eye
But the parcels of every shape and size
A festive feast for weary eyes
A testament to people’s generosity
Sitting beneath this wondrous tree
Such a generous response to the endeavour
Thank God for those who know the answer
When want and need begs the question
Praise be to those who never forget
With hearts so full of Christmas spirit

BUMPER CHRISTMAS

All the sights and sounds
And all the tastes and smells
Make me love Christmas

All the carollers singing
And all the lights twinkling
Make me love Christmas

But there is one thing
More than any other
That makes me love Christmas

The bumper Radio Times
First going on sale
That makes me love Christmas

NORWEGIAN GIFT

A gift arrives each year
From across the sea
A gift from the people of Oslo
An annual gift of a Christmas tree

Given with gratitude
To stand in Trafalgar square
Received with pride
By those of us who care

A symbol of friendship
Given to us each Christmas
A token as a gift of thanks
Sent from Norway for us

SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

I’ve bought a special gift
For my Christmas honey
It’s a “Santa’s little helper” outfit
And it’s bloody horny
Its red velour with white fur trim
And matching lingerie
It’s figure hugging short and tight
And shows all you’d want to see
I’ve always liked sexy outfits
And this is the best I’ve seen
I’m sure that she will like it
Especially as it wipes clean

CHRISTMAS IS A FUNNY TIME OF YEAR

Christmas is a funny time of year
At no other time of year are the shops full to overflowing
With people who clearly don’t want to be there
Spending money they don’t have
On things the recipients of them won’t like
You send cards to people you haven’t seen for years
And you get cards from people you’ve never heard of
You spend the day itself
Amidst the people you’ve managed to avoid all year
You have to kiss relatives you never knew you had
Who keep farting and blaming it on the dog
You dine on roast Turkey
Which no one lists as their favourite meat
And you have to sit at the table wearing silly paper hats
When for the rest of the year you mustn’t wear a hat at the table
You eat Christmas pudding and mince pies
That give everyone heartburn
Then you all sit around a dead tree
Pretending to like the presents you open
You eat sweets and nuts that you took out of a sock
While you watch the Queens speech
Then you play parlour games suggested by someone
Who claims in their day “they had to make their own entertainment”
Who then falls asleep in his chair
But despite all of this I still love it