MERRY CHRISTMAS

Memories of Christmas past
Etched deep within
Remembered fondly
Remembered joyfully
Youthful memories

Christmas lights
Holly wreaths
Ringing bells
Icing the cake
Singing carols
Trimming the tree
Mistletoe for kissing mum
All done with love
Special Christmas’s with mum and dad

BE ON YOUR GUARD

Be on your guard
Wherever you go
Tread very carefully
You could even tip toe
But if you don’t take heed
And don’t watch where you go
You may get caught
Beneath the mistletoe

COUNT ON IT

If you are constantly worrying
About over indulging
During the festive season
Then there really is no reason
It is a well known fact you see
That you can fully enjoy the festivities
And relax and not stress or fuss
Because calories don't count at Christmas

IFS AND BUTS

If ifs, and buts and maybes
Were chocs and nuts and candies
Then you would have to concede
You’d have a wonderful Christmas indeed

CHRISTMAS DAYS

Christmas days
Holidays
Spiritual and Holy days
Christmas days
Holidays
Mistletoe and holly days
Christmas days
Holidays
Candy canes and lolly days
Christmas days
Holidays
Spiritual and Holy days
Christmas days
Holidays
Jovial and Jolly days

WATCH OUT

Watch out, watch out
There’s a lech about
He’s stalked you all year long
Amidst the office throng
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Who’s been waiting all year long
With a desire so strong
Watch out, watch out
There’s a lech about
Who wants to hold you in embrace
And kiss your pretty face
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
As he looks at you all agog
Intent upon a snog
So when old Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Grabs you under the mistletoe
Just tell him where to go

I COULD BE YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE

I could be your Christmas tree,
Strung with tinsel and lit, brightly
You can trim me with ribbons and bows
Baubles and bells anything goes
I shall be greeted with gasps and wows
And you can hide gifts beneath my boughs
You wont regret it if you buy me
So let me be your Christmas tree

HE SLEEPS A KINGLY SLEEP

Oh prince of peace
Humbly lain on hay
Born to the world
On this special day

Shepherds, beasts
And kings of earth
Pay homage
At the saviours birth

While the Christ child
With angelic face
Sleeps a kingly sleep
In this humble place

CHRISTMAS FOLLY

Merriment abounds
And music fills the air
And in the cosy room
I’d hoped to see you there

Friends and loved ones
Surround me, old and new
I wished that one of them
Might have been you

Outside its cold
On this Christmas Eve
When the party's over
I won’t want to leave

But I will head home
Trudging through the snow
And in my loneliness
I’ll wonder how I let you go

ITS CHRISTMAS WHEN

Its Christmas when
Outside its cold and snowing
But away from the cold
Malls are full to overflowing
And all the children’s faces
Are happy and glowing

ITS CHRISTMAS when
Noddy Holder screams
Its Christmas when
Its time to fulfil dreams
When life just may be
As wonderful as it seems

Its Christmas when
All the gifts are picked
The cards are written
The stamps are licked
And all the Christmas lists
Have all been neatly ticked

Its Christmas when
All are safely home within
Everything has been prepared
The kiddies are all tucked in
Then mums and dads sit back
And festivities can begin

CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS

Christmas, Christmas,
A time of peace and joy
When God gave us his son
Jesus the holy infant boy
But kids don’t think of Jesus
They just want the latest toy

Christmas, Christmas,
When God gave us a saviour
A redeemer for all the world
Now it is the season of plethora
When the rich can feel richer
And the poor just feel the poorer

Christmas, Christmas,
God was your sacrifice in vain
When you gave the world your son
Only to see his body slain
If only we had not lost our way
Will we be better when he comes again?

ON THE EVE

A hearty Christmas greeting
Merry Christmas to one and all
Tonight excitement fills the air
The night Santa comes to call
With gifts galore for everyone
To be piled high beneath the tree
Christmas Eve anticipation never fails
To fills our hearts with glee

SILVER STRANDS

It sparkles there for all to see
Threaded round the Christmas tree
Silver tinsel shinning bright
Silver strands of Christian light
It shines and sparkles as a symbol
Of the love Christ has for us all
A strand of love, looped and curled
Threaded all around the world
And when you look at a Christmas tree
Silver strands of love you’ll see

MELCHIOR, CASPAR AND BALTHAZAR

Three kings from the east
Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar
Enlightened kings of wisdom
On their great quest travelled far
Three wise men from the east
Who followed a bright star
Three kings bearing gifts
Gold, frankincense and myrrh
Three kings from the east
Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar
Three kings of great wealth
Bowed low before the saviour

CHUCKLING WITH DELIGHT

Chuckling with delight
At the twinkling tree lights
You giggle and smile
And yet all the while
You really don’t know
Why your sweet face is aglow
And you gurgle excitedly
At everything you see
It’s a very special time
When Christmas bells chime
And Santa’s on his way
With presents on his sleigh
For every little lad and lass
To have a special Christmas
But for you my darling one
Just enjoying all the fun
Chuckling with delight
At the twinkling tree lights
When Santa comes this way
It’s for your first Christmas Day

CHRISTMAS BABY

Oh how fondly we both remember
That most special time in December
The first Christmas for our little boy
Our new born precious bundle of joy
The most special gift sent from above
Sent down from heaven for us to love
Now our baby boy is all full grown
With a little bundle of joy of his own

CAROL OF THE BELLS

Pulled with violence
To break the silence
Choring, drawing

Mechanism priming
Ready for chiming
Banging, clanging

Momentum gaining
Timbers straining
Creaking, speaking

Mechanical timing
With rhythm climbing
Swaying, obeying

The peel resounding
A sound astounding
Ringing, singing

The call goes out
Around and about
Voicing, rejoicing

Come says the calling
Come one and all in
Morning, morning

Christ born this day
The Christmas bells say
Rejoicing, rejoicing

ROBIN

Crimson breasted
Perching on a gate
Robin red breast
Looking for a mate
A hardy suitor
Courting and wooing
Proudly displaying
In ritual pursuing
Trying to impress
To attract a wife
So in the spring
There’d be new life
And for his efforts
Amidst winter hard
He gets to appear
On a Christmas card

SAVIOUR, AT YOUR BIRTH

Saviour, at your birth
The angels softly sang
Heralding your arrival
To save the fate of man

Now your birthday is near
We hear the church bells rang
Calling your children hither
To sing the thanks of man

DID YOU FALL FROM HEAVEN?

Did you fall from heaven?
With the winter snow
You must be an Angel
You have that special glow

You must have come from heaven
An Angel from above.
Sent to me this Christmas
Sent to bring me love

Come sit beside me
In the glowing candle light
I never knew my love
Could ever burn so bright

From this first moment
As we drink a glass of wine
Your sweet angelic nature
Tells me you are divine

Wrapped in an Angels form
As our Christmas starts
You give me the gift of love
And I give to you my heart

ALL THE CHRISTMAS SAINTS AND ANGELS

All the Christmas Saints and Angels
Work behind the scenes
To orchestrate the season
Like precision built machines

They make the tinsel sparkle
They make the music play
They fill out hearts with love
As we wait for the saviours day

All the Christmas Saints and Angels
Pulling the strings unseen
Their purpose is a simple one
To fulfill all our Christmas dreams

OH MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL

Oh my Christmas Angel
Won’t you here my plea
Oh Christmas Angel
Spend Christmas with me

Oh my Christmas Angel
Surely heaven sent
Oh Christmas Angel
Be my Christmas present

Oh my Christmas Angel
Wont you here my plea
Let me un-wrap you
Beneath the Christmas tree

Oh my Christmas Angel
Oh please hear me do?
Oh Christmas angel
Let me make a devil out of you

CHRISTMAS IS NIGH

The snow lays deep and crisp
And though the frost is keen
In the clear night sky, the heavens
In all their glory can be seen
And bright there shines a star
Standing out from the jewelled sky
A star that seems to call out
Sweetly “Christmas is nigh”

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 6

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the castle
Not a soul was stirring not even the rascal
And the reason for all the silence within
Was an over indulgence of wine and gin

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 5

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the castle
Not a soul was stirring not even the rascal
And when the king returned from merrymaking
No one was awake to let him back in

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 4

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the cottage
Was silence with the owners at home in Peas Pottage
So under cover of darkness at a very late hour
The cottage was torched by the Sons of Glendower

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 3

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the tent
The creatures were stirring with malicious intent
They wriggled and crawled they chewed and they bit
As they made themselves a festive feast of it

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1

It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
If we’re lucky we’ll dine on mouse
And Oliver will still be asking for more

CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1

It’s Christmas Eve in the workhouse,
And not a hint of the seasons in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
They’ll be no treats in store tonight

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 3

I only want one Christmas gift
It’s the only Christmas wish I’ve wished
I just want to know all the names
Of the girls on the naughty list

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 2

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the flat,
Not a creature was stirring not even the cat
The mince pies had been eaten every one and all
And the dog had thrown up on the carpet in the hall

CHRISTMAS ACROSS THE SEA

I am of occidental origin
And I should make it clear
That I have lived all my life
In the northern hemisphere

And every year, except this one
I’ve spent Christmas in blighty
This year, I was invited to my daughters
I tried to decline, politely

She doesn’t live in Britain
But in the land of the kangaroo
Christmas day in high summer
Oh what an awful to-do

The hot sun was like the Grinch
Not a cloud in the sky since dawn
It ruined the day for me
And it made the eggnog warm

Flies buzzed round the turkey
My hat was stuck to my head
No queen’s speech on the telly
I wish I’d stayed home instead

HAVE A CRACKING CHRISTMAS

I must definitely make sure
Her Christmas sack is full
Then if your dear is happy
Your cracker might get a pull

FAIRY ON THE TREE

Fairy, fairy on the tree
Why do you look so glum?
Is it the Christmas Blues?
To which you have succumbed
Is that what makes you sad
Or the needles up your bum

TIED UP WITH TINSEL

Have a little yuletide fun
Make it deliciously sinful
With your little Christmas hon
Tied up with tinsel

CHRISTMAS SPICE

Christmas time is very nice
But if I might offer some advice
You can add a spot of yuletide spice
If you indulge in a little festive vice

DEMENTIA

I think my grandparents
Are suffering from dementia
Because granddad asked my gran
As they sat together on the sofa
“Whatever happened
To our sexual relations dear?”
And the answer she gave
Is what gave me cause to fear
“I don’t know, we didn’t even get
A Christmas card from them this year”

WHILE BROKERS WATCHED THEIR STOCK BY NIGHT

While brokers watched
Their stock by night
In the heart of London town
The angel of the Lord came down
And turned off the power
And turned off the power

While brokers looked
Into their blank monitors
Stop messing she was bade
There’s lots of money to be made
Turn on the bloody power
Turn on the bloody power

You seem to be missing
The true meaning of Christmas
The angel calmly explained
In the darkness of the exchange
They did not listen to her
They wanted only power

I am not hear for god
I am hear at my own bidding
The angel was ranting and raving
You lost my bloody savings
When they told to her the risks
She fried them to a crisp

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 1

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house,
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
As earlier that night with the aid of cheese and a trap
I bad Mr. Mouse Merry Christmas as the spring went snap

NORTHERN LIGHTS

We have just learned
Candles may not be burned
In Santa’s workshop
The practise has to stop
A spokesman claims
That elfin safety is to blame

GROTTOS GO LEGAL

Santa’s little helpers, the first contacts,
Have all been given revised contracts
They will be known by the Santa Clauses
From this year on as subordinate clauses

JINGLE BELLS

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
I’ve got a gun and a clever disguise
To rob the bank on its busiest day

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
We got caught do you know why?
Because we only had a getaway sleigh

SCROOGE AND GRINCH

Scrooge and Grinch
Don’t believe in Christmas
When the carolers come along
They start to swear and cuss

Ebeneezer Scrooge is a skinflint
A mean and grasping old miser
Who buys from the pound shop
And sells them at a fiver

Little more than a grouch
Is the Christmas stealing Grinch
Who to miserable to be happy
He steals your Christmas by the inch

The tale is told of redemption
After the ghostly haunting stunt
The Grinch whole-hearted and loving
Says merry Christmas with a grunt
Scrooge and Grinch never changed
They were just putting on a front

WRITTEN WARNING

Beware of what you write
In your Christmas letter to Santa
Ask yourself if you’ve been good
But be honest when you answer
If you’re naughty and say you’re nice
Santa may erupt with laughter
He may even laugh so violently
That you end up killing Santa

MERRY CHRISTMAS SIR

Merry Christmas sir, I’m your paper boy
I bring you daily tidings of peace and joy
I know that at 6am that no one knocks
But how else would I get my Christmas box

DO YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA?

Do you believe in Santa?
It’s a yes or no answer
Have you never seen him?
He is there none the less
He is in the smiling faces
Or people that you meet
And in the children’s laughter
As they rush along the street
He is in the hearty handshakes
And the heart felt hellos
He is at the happy reunions
And the tearful farewells
He is in the choirs voices
Singing praise to the lord
And in the hearts of volunteers
Who feed the homeless
He is the presence of good
He is the Christmas spirit

MY EVERGREENS

Oh Holly and my Ivy
Of all the girls I’ve known
When they dress in the Santa gear
They really ring my bell

I SAW A FIGURE ON THE STAIR

I saw a figure
On the stair
Wearing red velvet
Trimmed with fur

It was Santa Claus
In my view
With long white beard
And hat askew

But not a Santa
Of familiar build
And no sack was apparent
Generously filled

I thought the figure
To my surprise
Was rather pleasing
To the eyes

And curiously aroused
At the view
Of Santa
In red stiletto shoes

At that moment
At the top of the stair
The coat fell open
And I do declare

This sight of Santa
Left me aghast
Wearing black stockings
And leather Basque

The white beard
Fell to the floor
And then I understood
What I saw

Santa hadn’t brought me
A gift in a sack
Santa was the present
For me to unwrap

CHRISTMAS IS THE HARDEST TIME

Christmas is the hardest time
When in the bosom of kith and kin
Amidst the exited chatter
And rustle of discarded paper
Punctuated by the joyous laughter of children
And over exited grown ups
I made all the right noises
As I wore my painful smile
I opened my presents when prompted
“Oh isn’t that lovely” I cooed
“That’s just what I wanted” I lied
But what I actually wanted
Was to be somewhere else
Where there was no need of false delight
Or insincere thankful exclamations
Anywhere else but there
They are well meaning souls
Who thought to help me,
By including my in their joyous celebrations
But they don’t understand my grief
Or the empty ache of a shattered heart
Each innocent Christmas ritual cut me like a knife
The familiar songs, once loved, now hurt
And each merry Christmas was a fresh cut
Losing you, my partner in life
Was like having a conjoined twin cut away
And among that happy crowd
My loneliness was most keenly felt
When all the excitement died away
I sat in silent contemplation
When sweet memories of happier days
Flooded into my mind to torture me
I hide it from the crowd
Keeping the pain and sorrow within
But so intertwined were our lives
I am left incomplete
I am in torment every day for the want of you
But Christmas is the hardest time

THREE WISE ONES Reprised

The three wise men
Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived after the birth
They stood and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt reverently in the lords presence
Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh

The three wise women
Would have stopped to ask directions
And arrived before the birth
They would have delivered the baby
Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before giving the baby really useful gifts

The three wise women
Leaving Bethlehem would be heard to say
“A virgin not likely, I know the family”
“That baby looks more like the shepherd than Joseph”
“Only a drama queen would choose to give birth in a stable”
“That Joseph is on the social you know”
“Well a lift home would have been nice”
“That angel was really snooty”