THE TREATY
The eleventh hour
The T’s were crossed
And the I’s were dotted
The eleventh day
Books were balanced
Of the butchers tally
The eleventh month
Seeds were sown
For the Second World War
By the French at Versailles
SAVIORS
When soldiers stand neath flags unfurled
Before going to war to do the biz
Be sure before they’re sent to save the world
They re happy with the world the way it is
SHIP RAGE
The silence of a foggy night in the fall
Was shattered suddenly by a radio call
“Unknown vessel divert your course please
And steer to the north by fifteen degrees
Recommend you make this correction
That we might avoid a head on collision”
The reply came “Divert YOUR course please
And steer to the south by fifteen degrees
Recommend you make this correction
That we might avoid a head on collision”
“This is the Captain of the USS Codfish
I say again, divert YOUR course forthwith”
The Reply came back “No, I say again
You must divert you course you cant remain”
This is the USS Codfish not a garbage scow
We’re a large warship divert your course now!“
I don’t care whether you are large or small”
“This is a lighthouse” Said the reply “your call”
BANG YOUR DEAD
A nuclear war, can they say
Ruin your whole bloody day
For in any atomic hostility
All men are cremated equally
HERE ENDETH THE FIRST LESSON
I think war is probably God's way
Of teaching us all a lesson I’d say
But it won’t be a lesson in theology
Its more likely a to be in geography
THE MILITARY WAY
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it
Having someone take a shot at you, and miss is the most satisfying feeling
Every retreat is a tactical withdrawal
Make sure you are not conspicuous in the combat zone it draws fire
Incoming fire has the right of way
Learn never to volunteer for anything
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions
Accurate incoming enemy fire is only surpassed by incoming friendly fire
Remember friendly fire ain't
You know the quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small
When you can be seen by your sergeant you, can be seen by the enemy
Any time you are in advance of your own positions, the artillery will fall short
You know that no battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
DEGREES OF HUMOUR
TERMINAL CONCEIT
Do you hold yourself in high esteem?
Are you the answer to your dreams?
Then you probably go through life, like as not
Thinking you are slicker than snot
Served hot on a silver platter
You really think that you actually matter
While in truth you’re likened to a cold bogey
Dried out, smeared and unsightly
Stuck to a “pound shop” paper plate
This is a truer reflection of your state
So take heed of this little ditty
And learn a little humility
NATURAL JUSTICE
Natural justice for those deserving
Needs applying
So the man who invented Fucking
Needs decorating
And the man who invented decorating
Needs fucking
FILTHY RICH
Life can really be
An awful bitch
Which is why, on balance
I would prefer to be rich
There are some people
Those lucky dogs and bitches
Who though little effort
Amass immense riches
In numbered accounts
Their balances healthy
And they find themselves
So incredibly wealthy
That they lose all respect
For simple humanity
And that's the kind of rich
That I want to be.
SMALL BEER
When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife
She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over
I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me
I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door
BE ALERT
On public transport
You are reminded constantly
To be alert and vigilant
And report suspicious things you see
But if I saw something
That might be construed suspicious
I wouldn’t know what I’d do
As I don’t like to make a fuss
But what constitutes suspicious
Is it unattended packages
Or people behaving furtively
Or just hanging around for ages
Traveling home late on the train
One night before Christmas
I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls
Should I report that as suspicious?
GET YOUR DANDER UP
When some one annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so
But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip
But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later
JIM PANSY
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
Gym handy
Limbs bandy
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
A chimpanzee
Do you hold yourself in high esteem?
Are you the answer to your dreams?
Then you probably go through life, like as not
Thinking you are slicker than snot
Served hot on a silver platter
You really think that you actually matter
While in truth you’re likened to a cold bogey
Dried out, smeared and unsightly
Stuck to a “pound shop” paper plate
This is a truer reflection of your state
So take heed of this little ditty
And learn a little humility
NATURAL JUSTICE
Natural justice for those deserving
Needs applying
So the man who invented Fucking
Needs decorating
And the man who invented decorating
Needs fucking
FILTHY RICH
Life can really be
An awful bitch
Which is why, on balance
I would prefer to be rich
There are some people
Those lucky dogs and bitches
Who though little effort
Amass immense riches
In numbered accounts
Their balances healthy
And they find themselves
So incredibly wealthy
That they lose all respect
For simple humanity
And that's the kind of rich
That I want to be.
SMALL BEER
When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife
She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over
I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me
I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door
BE ALERT
On public transport
You are reminded constantly
To be alert and vigilant
And report suspicious things you see
But if I saw something
That might be construed suspicious
I wouldn’t know what I’d do
As I don’t like to make a fuss
But what constitutes suspicious
Is it unattended packages
Or people behaving furtively
Or just hanging around for ages
Traveling home late on the train
One night before Christmas
I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls
Should I report that as suspicious?
GET YOUR DANDER UP
When some one annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so
But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip
But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later
JIM PANSY
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
Gym handy
Limbs bandy
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
A chimpanzee
SENIOR MOMENTS
OVER THE HILL
As a young man in the full flower of youth
I had more than my fair share of adventures
Now the best I can manage, to tell the truth
Is staring at the glass that holds me dentures
STROKE OF LUCK
Three old ladies were sitting in the park
When a flasher came walking by
This caused Ada to have a stroke
But the other two were just too shy
50 SOMETHING
So you’re 50 something
No need to feel so glum
True you’re no spring chicken
And you’re the mom of a mom
You’re nearer the next milestone
Than you are the last one
But don’t fret about the numbers
Celebrate each day with aplomb
You truly are now a “WOW”
A “wiser older woman”
See the positive in the situation
Try to hold onto that if you can
Don’t think of the loss of youth
Focus on the gaining of wisdom
And if you believe all this rubbish
Then you really are undone
ASK A STUPID QUESTION
A local reporter
Asks an old lady at her leisure
“What part of being 104
Gives you most pleasure”?
She simply replied to him
"No peer pressure"
As a young man in the full flower of youth
I had more than my fair share of adventures
Now the best I can manage, to tell the truth
Is staring at the glass that holds me dentures
STROKE OF LUCK
Three old ladies were sitting in the park
When a flasher came walking by
This caused Ada to have a stroke
But the other two were just too shy
50 SOMETHING
So you’re 50 something
No need to feel so glum
True you’re no spring chicken
And you’re the mom of a mom
You’re nearer the next milestone
Than you are the last one
But don’t fret about the numbers
Celebrate each day with aplomb
You truly are now a “WOW”
A “wiser older woman”
See the positive in the situation
Try to hold onto that if you can
Don’t think of the loss of youth
Focus on the gaining of wisdom
And if you believe all this rubbish
Then you really are undone
ASK A STUPID QUESTION
A local reporter
Asks an old lady at her leisure
“What part of being 104
Gives you most pleasure”?
She simply replied to him
"No peer pressure"
SPORTING MOMENTS
A GOOD SPORT
If you are thinking of taking up a sport
Then here’s a thought
If you are going to try cross-country skiing
This is what I’m thinking
Make sure you are well equipped to ski
And start with a small country
DASH IT ALL
They called it the dash
Way back in the day
A short word for a short race
Dash was the right word to say
Now they call it the sprint
Like its something elite
It’s still just a short race
That’s been hijacked by the Effete
WOKINGS WOES
After a dismal start to the season
Woking are slowest out the blocks
With two points from seven games
The crowd are angry to their socks
They have singled out a scapegoat
A target for their jeers and mocks
and they call the new striker “jigsaw”
Because he goes to pieces in the box
ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1
For Henman fans Andy Murray
Doesn’t do it for them
And for his on court aggression
They criticize him
But if you remove his aggression
You’re left with Tim
ANYONE FOR TENNIS = 2
If Andy Murray wins Wimbledon
He will be called a super brit
But if he fails like those before
He will be that dour Scottish git
If you are thinking of taking up a sport
Then here’s a thought
If you are going to try cross-country skiing
This is what I’m thinking
Make sure you are well equipped to ski
And start with a small country
DASH IT ALL
They called it the dash
Way back in the day
A short word for a short race
Dash was the right word to say
Now they call it the sprint
Like its something elite
It’s still just a short race
That’s been hijacked by the Effete
WOKINGS WOES
After a dismal start to the season
Woking are slowest out the blocks
With two points from seven games
The crowd are angry to their socks
They have singled out a scapegoat
A target for their jeers and mocks
and they call the new striker “jigsaw”
Because he goes to pieces in the box
ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1
For Henman fans Andy Murray
Doesn’t do it for them
And for his on court aggression
They criticize him
But if you remove his aggression
You’re left with Tim
ANYONE FOR TENNIS = 2
If Andy Murray wins Wimbledon
He will be called a super brit
But if he fails like those before
He will be that dour Scottish git
PUT DOWNS AND PICKUPS
PUT DOWN # 25
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How would you like your eggs in the morning”?
He might say to you
So just reply to him
“Unfertilized will do”
PUT DOWN # 26
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“What’s going on in that pretty little head honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'm trying to imagine you with a personality”
PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Like “I'm ready for some FUN,
I hope you are too
I already have the F and the N,
Now all I need is U”
PUT DOWN # 27
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should say to you
“I could do things to you that you wouldn’t believe”
Simply reply to him
“Really? If I throw a stick, will you leave?'
PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Winning the Lotto jackpot”
You might start
“Is quite meaningless if you’re single
And have a weak heart!'
PUT DOWN # 28
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he uses the line
“Have you heard we’ve been brought together by cupid”
So just reply to him
"I like you, you remind me of when I was young and stupid."
PUT DOWN # 29
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
"Let's go back to my place!"
Would be a line well known
So just reply to him
"I don't think we'll both fit under that stone!"
PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Let me introduce myself”
You can say to her
“You don’t look like the kind of girl
Who’ll sleep with a stranger”
PUT DOWN # 30
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he sidles up to you with his pick up line
Before he has chance to deliver it
Just say to him
"Nice cologne, but did you have to marinate in it?"
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How would you like your eggs in the morning”?
He might say to you
So just reply to him
“Unfertilized will do”
PUT DOWN # 26
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“What’s going on in that pretty little head honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'm trying to imagine you with a personality”
PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Like “I'm ready for some FUN,
I hope you are too
I already have the F and the N,
Now all I need is U”
PUT DOWN # 27
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should say to you
“I could do things to you that you wouldn’t believe”
Simply reply to him
“Really? If I throw a stick, will you leave?'
PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Winning the Lotto jackpot”
You might start
“Is quite meaningless if you’re single
And have a weak heart!'
PUT DOWN # 28
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he uses the line
“Have you heard we’ve been brought together by cupid”
So just reply to him
"I like you, you remind me of when I was young and stupid."
PUT DOWN # 29
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
"Let's go back to my place!"
Would be a line well known
So just reply to him
"I don't think we'll both fit under that stone!"
PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Let me introduce myself”
You can say to her
“You don’t look like the kind of girl
Who’ll sleep with a stranger”
PUT DOWN # 30
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he sidles up to you with his pick up line
Before he has chance to deliver it
Just say to him
"Nice cologne, but did you have to marinate in it?"
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
THE LAST TOMMY John “Harry” Patch 17th June 1898 – 25th July 2009
God bless you Harry Patch
The last British Tommy to fall
Jack, Jill and Maudie are waiting
Can you hear that distant bugle call?
The serried ranks stand cheering
Calling you to glory Harry
Calling you to reassemble
You must go now no time to tarry
Jack, Jill and Maudie Allen
Are waiting to greet you proudly
Goodbye Harry so long old friend
Can you hear the bugle calling loudly?
Come to the cookhouse door boys
Come to the cookhouse door
Oh fallen heroes, oh hearty lads
I fear we will see your like no more
Jack, Jill and Maudie Allen where the nicknames of Harry Patch’s Lewis machine gun crew who were killed by shell fire on Pilkem Ridge, Passchendaele, Belgium in 1917
The last British Tommy to fall
Jack, Jill and Maudie are waiting
Can you hear that distant bugle call?
The serried ranks stand cheering
Calling you to glory Harry
Calling you to reassemble
You must go now no time to tarry
Jack, Jill and Maudie Allen
Are waiting to greet you proudly
Goodbye Harry so long old friend
Can you hear the bugle calling loudly?
Come to the cookhouse door boys
Come to the cookhouse door
Oh fallen heroes, oh hearty lads
I fear we will see your like no more
Jack, Jill and Maudie Allen where the nicknames of Harry Patch’s Lewis machine gun crew who were killed by shell fire on Pilkem Ridge, Passchendaele, Belgium in 1917
HARRY’S LAST POST
Soldiers bear the last of the lads
In casket draped in the union flag
And then a reverent silence falls
Before the last post’s mournful call
Trumpeting his journey into grace
To feel his comrades warm embrace
Goodbye Harry a soldier known
The final Tommy going home
In casket draped in the union flag
And then a reverent silence falls
Before the last post’s mournful call
Trumpeting his journey into grace
To feel his comrades warm embrace
Goodbye Harry a soldier known
The final Tommy going home
HOSPITAL DUDE
The coolest dude at the hospital
Is the ultra sound guy
But when he is on holiday
It’s the hip replacement guy
Is the ultra sound guy
But when he is on holiday
It’s the hip replacement guy
DREAM LOVER?
Was our secret love as special as it seems
Or were our liaisons only in my dreams
Am I remembering those nights clearly
When your heart beat only for me
And we satisfied all of our passions
In all their varied forms and fashions
Could it be our exertions were a fallacy?
Our sexual gymnastics just a fantasy
Were those sensual hours spent with you?
Or just an imagined lovers rendezvous
Or were our liaisons only in my dreams
Am I remembering those nights clearly
When your heart beat only for me
And we satisfied all of our passions
In all their varied forms and fashions
Could it be our exertions were a fallacy?
Our sexual gymnastics just a fantasy
Were those sensual hours spent with you?
Or just an imagined lovers rendezvous
MISSING OUT
They’ve taken all the fun away
It’s prohibited from the school day
Thanks to the politically correct crusade
And the heath and safety brigade
There can be no unacceptable names
Or boisterous competitive games
Now playing in the snow and ice
You must play games safe and nice
The nanny state has declared
That the nation’s children must be spared
But when I was a child we did alright
And we did survive an occasional fight
But we had more freedom in my view
We could choose what things to do
You didn’t have to climb in trees
Or pick the scabs off wounded knees
You didn’t have to play kiss chase
Or catch a snowball in the face
You didn’t have to make a slide in the snow
If you didn’t want to you could say no
Conkers was not a compulsory game
You didn’t have to call girls names
You could roll in the grass again and again
Or jump in puddles after heavy rain
You didn’t have to skip with girls
Or run with grass seed in your curls
If you didn’t want to there was no need
You could sit alone and quietly and read
But if you chose to you could do it
And after all we were young and fit
It’s prohibited from the school day
Thanks to the politically correct crusade
And the heath and safety brigade
There can be no unacceptable names
Or boisterous competitive games
Now playing in the snow and ice
You must play games safe and nice
The nanny state has declared
That the nation’s children must be spared
But when I was a child we did alright
And we did survive an occasional fight
But we had more freedom in my view
We could choose what things to do
You didn’t have to climb in trees
Or pick the scabs off wounded knees
You didn’t have to play kiss chase
Or catch a snowball in the face
You didn’t have to make a slide in the snow
If you didn’t want to you could say no
Conkers was not a compulsory game
You didn’t have to call girls names
You could roll in the grass again and again
Or jump in puddles after heavy rain
You didn’t have to skip with girls
Or run with grass seed in your curls
If you didn’t want to there was no need
You could sit alone and quietly and read
But if you chose to you could do it
And after all we were young and fit
THE ANGEL OF THE NORTH
The angel of the north
Standing tall and erect
That androgynous monument
To the politically correct
Disproportionate in aspect
On a hill it was put
But it has sunk in the ground
To the depth of a foot
Definitely no room
For complacency though
As there are still another
Sixty five feet to go
Standing tall and erect
That androgynous monument
To the politically correct
Disproportionate in aspect
On a hill it was put
But it has sunk in the ground
To the depth of a foot
Definitely no room
For complacency though
As there are still another
Sixty five feet to go
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES ONCE MORE
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 38
Ring-a-Ring o'RosiesA Pocket full of Posies"Pig flu! Pig flu!"We all take a sickie!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 39
For want of a nail the shoe was lost.For want of a shoe the horse was lost.For want of a horse the rider was lost.For want of a rider the battle was lost.For want of a horseshoe nail oh what tosh.Ill equipped and poorly lead is why they lost
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 40
Jack be nimble, Jack be quickJack jumped over the candlestickBut Jack should have jumped higher
Because he’s set his balls on fire
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 41
Twinkle, twinkle little star
Are the services very far?
Oh I really hope they are
Or I will Tinkle, Tinkle in the car
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 42
Mary was a little flirt
Men followed her like sheep
But though she liked the attention
She fancied little bo peep
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 43
Yan, tan, tethera, pethera, pimp.
They’ll not miss the one with a limp
Sethera, methera, hovera, covera, dik,Lets just kill it nice and quick
We’ve counted all the masters sheep
Let’s have lamb stew before we sleep
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 44
Hickory, dickory, dockSome mice ran up the clockThe clock struck one,When the pendulum swung
Hickory, dickory, dock
Hickory, dickory, dockThe mice looked on in shock
Seeing the stricken one
Fall all the way to the ground
Hickory, dickory, dock
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 45
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;He called for his pint in the middle of the dayAnd he called for his cronies three.Every crony had a fresh bottle,
And a very fine bottle had he;Oh there's none so pissed as can compareWith King Cole and his cronies three.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 46
Red sky at night,Arsonist’s delight;Red sky at morning,Four minute warning.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 47
Baa, baa black sheep, have you any wool?No sir, No sir, we don’t have any wool!Are you a nutter? Are you insane?
This is the butchers the wool shop‘s down the lane.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 48
Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns!One a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
Isn’t that buy one get one free? Or are they two for ones?Not one a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 49
The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
Though they were jolly, their expedition was folly
And the coast guard sent a life boat
So when the Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
Safely ashore we were able to see
Because the couples distress, the whole sorry mess
Was filmed by the BBC
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 50
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,Went to bed with his trousers on;One shoe off, and one shoe on,He was completely shit faced my son John!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 51
The worms crawl in the worms crawl out,They crawled in thin and crawl out stout
And when they’re so fat they cannot crawl
The birds come down and eat them all
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 52
I'm bringing home my baby bumble bee
Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me
But my baby bumble bee went and stung me
So I stomped on that bastard bumble bee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 53
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wallThe people behind could see nothing at all
They asked him to move but he wouldn’t do that
So they pushed him off and he went splat
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 54
Little Jack Horner sat in a cornerEating his Christmas pieHe stuck in his thumbAfter scratching his bum
Then offered to share his pie.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 55
One, two, three, four, five.Once I caught a fish alive,Now you don’t see that every day
Not on the Thames anyway
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 56
Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper,
What shall we do for him? He’s a bit of a nutter
And he can’t sing a note every one knows
So we’ll audition him on one of Simons shows
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 57
The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand menHe marched them up to the top of the hillAnd he marched them down again.
This upset the lads, who thought the Duke mad
So in order to stop him, they had to top him
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 58
Horsey, horsey don't you stopJust let your feet go clippetty clop
Make the whip swish close up the ground
Win the race or your dog food bound
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 59
Hark, hark my dogs do barkAll day walking round the town
My plates of meat, my aching feet
I just want a nice sit down
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 60
Hark, hark the dogs do barkThe chavs are coming to town
Some with piercings and some with tats
And one in a designer gown
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 61
Here's the church, and here's the steepleOpen the door and see all the people.No it’s not a church anymore you see
But another place to drink coffee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 62
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,My name is that name now
Whenever I go out,The people will always shout,There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.(I’m John Smith really but I’ll never be a super star named John Smith)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 63
Rain, rain go away,You’re ruining my holiday
I wait all year to come away
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Don’t come back to Wales again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 64
There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
Well that’s not strictly true he travelled there in style
After all what is the point of being a crooked man
If you can’t live it good and large when you can
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 65
Mary had a woolly lamb
Who ran away from her
It was struck by lightning
And its now just polyester
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 66
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
But it’s not PC to call it black
So she calls it dirty white
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 67
Jack and Jill went up the hill
They planned to do some snogging
But jack tried to get in her pants
So she whacked him on the noggin
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 68
Ding dong bellPussy's in the well
And that’s where it’s staying
Until it learns not to piss in my garden
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 69
Jack ate all the lean,Joan ate all the fat.They left the platter so clean,There was nothing for the cat
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 70
Half a pound of tuppenny rice, Half a pound of treacle. This will never make a bomb
Not even if you added diesel
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 71
Jack be nimble, Jack be quickJack jumped over the candlestickBut someone lit the candlestick
And poor old Jack burnt his wick
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 72
Ladybird, ladybird fly away home,Or soon our own species will be gone
Fly back across the sea so blue
And take your extra spots with you
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 73
Little Tommy Tucker sings for his suppers,
Because he is so down on his uppers
But he doesn’t get much out of it
Because his singing is really shit
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 74
"Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?
Have you been up to London to visit the Queen?"“No I haven’t, didn’t you hear my meow?
I’ve been locked in the garage you silly cow”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 75
Half a pound of tuppenny rice, Half a pound of treacle. This internet bomb making site
Really is a load of shite
Ring-a-Ring o'RosiesA Pocket full of Posies"Pig flu! Pig flu!"We all take a sickie!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 39
For want of a nail the shoe was lost.For want of a shoe the horse was lost.For want of a horse the rider was lost.For want of a rider the battle was lost.For want of a horseshoe nail oh what tosh.Ill equipped and poorly lead is why they lost
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 40
Jack be nimble, Jack be quickJack jumped over the candlestickBut Jack should have jumped higher
Because he’s set his balls on fire
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 41
Twinkle, twinkle little star
Are the services very far?
Oh I really hope they are
Or I will Tinkle, Tinkle in the car
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 42
Mary was a little flirt
Men followed her like sheep
But though she liked the attention
She fancied little bo peep
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 43
Yan, tan, tethera, pethera, pimp.
They’ll not miss the one with a limp
Sethera, methera, hovera, covera, dik,Lets just kill it nice and quick
We’ve counted all the masters sheep
Let’s have lamb stew before we sleep
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 44
Hickory, dickory, dockSome mice ran up the clockThe clock struck one,When the pendulum swung
Hickory, dickory, dock
Hickory, dickory, dockThe mice looked on in shock
Seeing the stricken one
Fall all the way to the ground
Hickory, dickory, dock
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 45
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;He called for his pint in the middle of the dayAnd he called for his cronies three.Every crony had a fresh bottle,
And a very fine bottle had he;Oh there's none so pissed as can compareWith King Cole and his cronies three.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 46
Red sky at night,Arsonist’s delight;Red sky at morning,Four minute warning.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 47
Baa, baa black sheep, have you any wool?No sir, No sir, we don’t have any wool!Are you a nutter? Are you insane?
This is the butchers the wool shop‘s down the lane.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 48
Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns!One a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
Isn’t that buy one get one free? Or are they two for ones?Not one a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 49
The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
Though they were jolly, their expedition was folly
And the coast guard sent a life boat
So when the Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
Safely ashore we were able to see
Because the couples distress, the whole sorry mess
Was filmed by the BBC
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 50
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,Went to bed with his trousers on;One shoe off, and one shoe on,He was completely shit faced my son John!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 51
The worms crawl in the worms crawl out,They crawled in thin and crawl out stout
And when they’re so fat they cannot crawl
The birds come down and eat them all
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 52
I'm bringing home my baby bumble bee
Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me
But my baby bumble bee went and stung me
So I stomped on that bastard bumble bee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 53
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wallThe people behind could see nothing at all
They asked him to move but he wouldn’t do that
So they pushed him off and he went splat
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 54
Little Jack Horner sat in a cornerEating his Christmas pieHe stuck in his thumbAfter scratching his bum
Then offered to share his pie.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 55
One, two, three, four, five.Once I caught a fish alive,Now you don’t see that every day
Not on the Thames anyway
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 56
Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper,
What shall we do for him? He’s a bit of a nutter
And he can’t sing a note every one knows
So we’ll audition him on one of Simons shows
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 57
The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand menHe marched them up to the top of the hillAnd he marched them down again.
This upset the lads, who thought the Duke mad
So in order to stop him, they had to top him
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 58
Horsey, horsey don't you stopJust let your feet go clippetty clop
Make the whip swish close up the ground
Win the race or your dog food bound
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 59
Hark, hark my dogs do barkAll day walking round the town
My plates of meat, my aching feet
I just want a nice sit down
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 60
Hark, hark the dogs do barkThe chavs are coming to town
Some with piercings and some with tats
And one in a designer gown
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 61
Here's the church, and here's the steepleOpen the door and see all the people.No it’s not a church anymore you see
But another place to drink coffee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 62
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,My name is that name now
Whenever I go out,The people will always shout,There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.(I’m John Smith really but I’ll never be a super star named John Smith)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 63
Rain, rain go away,You’re ruining my holiday
I wait all year to come away
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Don’t come back to Wales again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 64
There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
Well that’s not strictly true he travelled there in style
After all what is the point of being a crooked man
If you can’t live it good and large when you can
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 65
Mary had a woolly lamb
Who ran away from her
It was struck by lightning
And its now just polyester
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 66
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
But it’s not PC to call it black
So she calls it dirty white
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 67
Jack and Jill went up the hill
They planned to do some snogging
But jack tried to get in her pants
So she whacked him on the noggin
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 68
Ding dong bellPussy's in the well
And that’s where it’s staying
Until it learns not to piss in my garden
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 69
Jack ate all the lean,Joan ate all the fat.They left the platter so clean,There was nothing for the cat
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 70
Half a pound of tuppenny rice, Half a pound of treacle. This will never make a bomb
Not even if you added diesel
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 71
Jack be nimble, Jack be quickJack jumped over the candlestickBut someone lit the candlestick
And poor old Jack burnt his wick
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 72
Ladybird, ladybird fly away home,Or soon our own species will be gone
Fly back across the sea so blue
And take your extra spots with you
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 73
Little Tommy Tucker sings for his suppers,
Because he is so down on his uppers
But he doesn’t get much out of it
Because his singing is really shit
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 74
"Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?
Have you been up to London to visit the Queen?"“No I haven’t, didn’t you hear my meow?
I’ve been locked in the garage you silly cow”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 75
Half a pound of tuppenny rice, Half a pound of treacle. This internet bomb making site
Really is a load of shite
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
LOVE HAIKU
# 1
Under skies of grey,
or beneath a sky of blue,
I would love you still
# 2
Should the clouds obscure,
the glorious stars at night,
I will still love you
# 3
Wondrous chemistry,
electricity crackling,
when boy meets a girl
# 4
The science of love,
physics meets biology,
when boy meets a girl
Under skies of grey,
or beneath a sky of blue,
I would love you still
# 2
Should the clouds obscure,
the glorious stars at night,
I will still love you
# 3
Wondrous chemistry,
electricity crackling,
when boy meets a girl
# 4
The science of love,
physics meets biology,
when boy meets a girl
BREATH OF SPRING
She Entered
Like a breath of spring
And her presence
Altered everything
She walked in
With such a delicate air
Heads turned
To watch the maiden fair
She then returned
From whence she came
But didn’t leave us
Quite the same
We hoped to see again
That breath of spring
Whose presence
Altered everything
Like a breath of spring
And her presence
Altered everything
She walked in
With such a delicate air
Heads turned
To watch the maiden fair
She then returned
From whence she came
But didn’t leave us
Quite the same
We hoped to see again
That breath of spring
Whose presence
Altered everything
OH GUARDIAN ANGEL
Oh guardian angel
Please watch over me
It would be a comfort
To feel the guarantee
That should I go astray
Watching over me
You would be there
To guide me back to safety
Please watch over me
It would be a comfort
To feel the guarantee
That should I go astray
Watching over me
You would be there
To guide me back to safety
GENETIC MYSTERY
Our genes are passed on
To subsequent generations
Our complete genetic make up
Quirks, foibles, and pre dispositions
Parts of us are forever preserved
Due to the wonder of genetics
And we can see in our off spring,
Our own distinct characteristics
Through this miracle of procreation
The genes will even carry
From generation to generation
The basic instincts in Genetic memory
What a pity that God omitted
When he created Adam
The most important genes of all
The ones to carry wisdom
To subsequent generations
Our complete genetic make up
Quirks, foibles, and pre dispositions
Parts of us are forever preserved
Due to the wonder of genetics
And we can see in our off spring,
Our own distinct characteristics
Through this miracle of procreation
The genes will even carry
From generation to generation
The basic instincts in Genetic memory
What a pity that God omitted
When he created Adam
The most important genes of all
The ones to carry wisdom
IS THERE ANY GREATER PLACE ON EARTH?
When June comes fourth upon us
Is there any greater place on earth?
Than England’s green and pleasant land
Surely nowhere of similar worth
When the breeze gently stirs the grass
And the sun is in the clear blue sky
Is there any greater place on earth?
You could look abroad, but why?
Is there any greater place on earth?
Than England’s green and pleasant land
Surely nowhere of similar worth
When the breeze gently stirs the grass
And the sun is in the clear blue sky
Is there any greater place on earth?
You could look abroad, but why?
OUT IN THE COUNTRY, AGAIN
When driving the byways
Travelling far and wide
Whether the lakes or the peaks
Or any of the countryside,
One thing that’s guaranteed
To frustrate the driving clan
And cause them to become irate
Is to get stuck behind a caravan
Travelling far and wide
Whether the lakes or the peaks
Or any of the countryside,
One thing that’s guaranteed
To frustrate the driving clan
And cause them to become irate
Is to get stuck behind a caravan
IN SEARCH OF LARA
From my familiar seat
On the crowded bus,
I thought I saw you today
In the passing throng,
My spirits lifted
My heart beat quickened.
And like Dr Zhivago
In search of Lara
I beat against the cold glass.
To attract attention
You turned toward me,
And it wasn’t you.
I was mistaken.
Through vision clouded by tears
I had not seen you,
How could it be you?
For you are gone
On the crowded bus,
I thought I saw you today
In the passing throng,
My spirits lifted
My heart beat quickened.
And like Dr Zhivago
In search of Lara
I beat against the cold glass.
To attract attention
You turned toward me,
And it wasn’t you.
I was mistaken.
Through vision clouded by tears
I had not seen you,
How could it be you?
For you are gone
OUT IN THE COUNTRY
Driving down country lanes
Top down, wind in my hair
The sun gracing the sky
The wind set fair
The smell of hay,
Freshly mowed
Beasts in the fields
Beyond hedgerows
Blue cloudless skies,
On a glorious summer’s day,
The only blot being
The cyclists in my way
Top down, wind in my hair
The sun gracing the sky
The wind set fair
The smell of hay,
Freshly mowed
Beasts in the fields
Beyond hedgerows
Blue cloudless skies,
On a glorious summer’s day,
The only blot being
The cyclists in my way
THE GAME OF LUST
Tongue and fingers
Toy with your treasures
Erotic play things
Enhance our pleasures
A base carnal urge
That primitive must
Satisfies desire
Of our guiltless lust
Toy with your treasures
Erotic play things
Enhance our pleasures
A base carnal urge
That primitive must
Satisfies desire
Of our guiltless lust
INSIDE THE SILK
Cool silk against my hand
Soft skin beneath my palm
Fingers searching, exploring
Seeking out the source
Of sensual oils
She had secretly secreted
Finger tips touch waiting lips
Then enter to sweet labial bliss
And with deft manipulation
Of centres of erotic pleasure
I feel her body tremor
And but a heartbeat beyond
That primeval shudder
In hurried lack of ceremony
She bid me quickly enter
Soft skin beneath my palm
Fingers searching, exploring
Seeking out the source
Of sensual oils
She had secretly secreted
Finger tips touch waiting lips
Then enter to sweet labial bliss
And with deft manipulation
Of centres of erotic pleasure
I feel her body tremor
And but a heartbeat beyond
That primeval shudder
In hurried lack of ceremony
She bid me quickly enter
PERSONAL SERVICE
Satisfyingly slutty
Down on her knees,
Dressed in black silk
Eager to please
Tempting and toying
The teasing bitch
Bringing me to the point
When I twitch
Then as her efforts
On me increase
I explode it that
Sweet moment of release
Down on her knees,
Dressed in black silk
Eager to please
Tempting and toying
The teasing bitch
Bringing me to the point
When I twitch
Then as her efforts
On me increase
I explode it that
Sweet moment of release
Friday, 17 July 2009
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
She had a distinct aura
That pervaded the senses
Femininity, without vanity
Beauty, without conceit
Forthright, but not brash
Confident but not cocky
Refreshingly sincere
Intelligent but not haughty
Wit without cruelty
Laughter without malice
Principled and scrupulous
Morality without piety
Could no one else see it?
Was I in a minority of one?
Surely I am not alone
In my admiration of her
As she looks at me
What does she see?
She looks at me appraisingly
What does she see?
How is she evaluating?
Is there an attraction?
Yes but more than that alone
Then simultaneously
In mutual acquiescence
We reached the conclusion
It was simple recognition
Of the similarly disposed
Of kindred spirits
We are soul mates
That pervaded the senses
Femininity, without vanity
Beauty, without conceit
Forthright, but not brash
Confident but not cocky
Refreshingly sincere
Intelligent but not haughty
Wit without cruelty
Laughter without malice
Principled and scrupulous
Morality without piety
Could no one else see it?
Was I in a minority of one?
Surely I am not alone
In my admiration of her
As she looks at me
What does she see?
She looks at me appraisingly
What does she see?
How is she evaluating?
Is there an attraction?
Yes but more than that alone
Then simultaneously
In mutual acquiescence
We reached the conclusion
It was simple recognition
Of the similarly disposed
Of kindred spirits
We are soul mates
NATURE POEMS
SUNSHINE
A day without sunshine?
Now let me get this right
A day without sunshine?
That would be like, night
WEATHER OR NOT # 1
They tell us it’s the climate
That makes our country wet
So Climate is what we expect
But weather is what we get
WATER WAY
From the mountain high
On the summit icy
It begins to trickle
Toward its destiny
Trickle becoming stream
Very quickly
Its method brilliant
In its simplicity
It follows the path
Of least resistance
In its great race
To go the distance
Growing ever stronger
Under gravity
Deeper wider
And ever more rapidly
A great river now
Heading for its destiny
And it’s fulfilled
When reaching the sea
WEATHER OR NOT # 2
The weather types keep on issuing they’re warning
And they keep bleating on about global warming
They even know the temperature to within a degree
In the summer of two thousand and ninety three
We can expect out summers to be long and very hot
And our winters will be mild and damp like as not
Why should we believe that a heatwave will ignite?
When they can’t even get the two-day forecast right
NATURE’S WAY
Time is merely natures way
Of assurance
And stops everything happening
At once
BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE
What is the lesser of these evils?
Ugly wind farms scarring our hills
Wave power trapping human mess
Or the three eyed fish of Dungeness
EARTHLINGS
The origins of the name
"Earth worms" is hard to trace
Unless of coarse some people
Thought they were from outer space
MY FAVOURITE TIME
It’s my favourite time
A special time
A magical time
A time for romancing lovers
For shared enjoyment
Or solitary reflection
A time to drink in the vistas
Along with the cocktails
Awe inspiring displays
Whether over the open sea
Or beyond high distant mountains
Over prairie or savannah
Or painting barren desert
Or colouring the icy tundra
Illuminating a city landscape
Whether it’s across the river
Or behind the gas works
It’s a magical time
A special time
It’s my favourite time
When the sun sets
NIGHT OWL
The graceful owl
Hunts at twilight
And listens to hear
A victim in the night
Then swoops down
In silent flight
Not to prevent
Its prey taking fright
But fear of losing
What is out of sight
BARK
Their whole life
Is etched into the bark
The trunks wear their story
To be read with the eye
Or touched like brail
Cracked and weathered
Like the face of an old mariner
Showing what was
And what is still
It protects like a pachyderm’s hide
Its the first line of defence
Against any aggressor
Then when the tree falls
It’s the last to die
THE GOLDEN ORB
The golden orb
Burning orange
Set slowly
Beyond the distant hills
As it slid slowly down
It painted the hills
In rainbow hues
Back lighting the tree line
Highlighting them boldly black
Showing them in stark relief
Against the crimson sky
As it was finally swallowed
By the western horizon
The sky was tinged with pink
Before darkness was everywhere
GOOSED
The snow geese
In a massive flock
Take flight in unison
Filling the whole sky
Like clouds of white smoke
Billowing up from unseen fires
Rippling across the sky
As far as the eye can see
Almost blocking out the sun
So begins the migration
PASSING BY
Way up high
In the sky
Clouds pass by
I wonder why
On a bright day
Some might say
I see the milky way
Indeed they may
Way up then
Near to heaven
I shall know when
Clouds pass again
SUMMER COLOUR
I love the colors of summer
From Vivid pinks loud and shocking
To more paler and subtle
And all those in between
Whites of abundant variety
Blues of every conceivable hue
Deep velvet purples and vibrant violets
Greens contrasting from dark olive
Through luscious emeralds to pale pastels
Soft lemon and pale sensual yellow
Loud in your face reds crimson and scarlet
Across the spectrum every shade
How I love the girls in summer
A day without sunshine?
Now let me get this right
A day without sunshine?
That would be like, night
WEATHER OR NOT # 1
They tell us it’s the climate
That makes our country wet
So Climate is what we expect
But weather is what we get
WATER WAY
From the mountain high
On the summit icy
It begins to trickle
Toward its destiny
Trickle becoming stream
Very quickly
Its method brilliant
In its simplicity
It follows the path
Of least resistance
In its great race
To go the distance
Growing ever stronger
Under gravity
Deeper wider
And ever more rapidly
A great river now
Heading for its destiny
And it’s fulfilled
When reaching the sea
WEATHER OR NOT # 2
The weather types keep on issuing they’re warning
And they keep bleating on about global warming
They even know the temperature to within a degree
In the summer of two thousand and ninety three
We can expect out summers to be long and very hot
And our winters will be mild and damp like as not
Why should we believe that a heatwave will ignite?
When they can’t even get the two-day forecast right
NATURE’S WAY
Time is merely natures way
Of assurance
And stops everything happening
At once
BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE
What is the lesser of these evils?
Ugly wind farms scarring our hills
Wave power trapping human mess
Or the three eyed fish of Dungeness
EARTHLINGS
The origins of the name
"Earth worms" is hard to trace
Unless of coarse some people
Thought they were from outer space
MY FAVOURITE TIME
It’s my favourite time
A special time
A magical time
A time for romancing lovers
For shared enjoyment
Or solitary reflection
A time to drink in the vistas
Along with the cocktails
Awe inspiring displays
Whether over the open sea
Or beyond high distant mountains
Over prairie or savannah
Or painting barren desert
Or colouring the icy tundra
Illuminating a city landscape
Whether it’s across the river
Or behind the gas works
It’s a magical time
A special time
It’s my favourite time
When the sun sets
NIGHT OWL
The graceful owl
Hunts at twilight
And listens to hear
A victim in the night
Then swoops down
In silent flight
Not to prevent
Its prey taking fright
But fear of losing
What is out of sight
BARK
Their whole life
Is etched into the bark
The trunks wear their story
To be read with the eye
Or touched like brail
Cracked and weathered
Like the face of an old mariner
Showing what was
And what is still
It protects like a pachyderm’s hide
Its the first line of defence
Against any aggressor
Then when the tree falls
It’s the last to die
THE GOLDEN ORB
The golden orb
Burning orange
Set slowly
Beyond the distant hills
As it slid slowly down
It painted the hills
In rainbow hues
Back lighting the tree line
Highlighting them boldly black
Showing them in stark relief
Against the crimson sky
As it was finally swallowed
By the western horizon
The sky was tinged with pink
Before darkness was everywhere
GOOSED
The snow geese
In a massive flock
Take flight in unison
Filling the whole sky
Like clouds of white smoke
Billowing up from unseen fires
Rippling across the sky
As far as the eye can see
Almost blocking out the sun
So begins the migration
PASSING BY
Way up high
In the sky
Clouds pass by
I wonder why
On a bright day
Some might say
I see the milky way
Indeed they may
Way up then
Near to heaven
I shall know when
Clouds pass again
SUMMER COLOUR
I love the colors of summer
From Vivid pinks loud and shocking
To more paler and subtle
And all those in between
Whites of abundant variety
Blues of every conceivable hue
Deep velvet purples and vibrant violets
Greens contrasting from dark olive
Through luscious emeralds to pale pastels
Soft lemon and pale sensual yellow
Loud in your face reds crimson and scarlet
Across the spectrum every shade
How I love the girls in summer
ANIMAL MAGIC
SOMEONE PUT THE CAT OUT
Will someone put the cat out?
Please don’t make me shout
To put the cat out is my one desire
So put it out because it’s on fire
IT’S THE DOGS….
A man and his dog walk into the pub
Each night to drink with the locals
As the man has a drink, the mans dog
Lies down and exposes his genitals
And oblivious to his audience the dog
Then lies on his back and licks them
Another man looks on in admiration
Saying “Is no one as impressed as I am?”
He then turns to the owner saying
“Now that’s a thing I wish I could do”
The dogs owner looks at him smiling
“Well give him a crisp and he’ll let you”
IT’S THE DOGS…. AGAIN
A man and his dog walk into the pub
Each night to drink with the locals
As the man has a drink, the mans dog
Lies down and then licks his genitals
An offended customer, disgusted asks
“Why does your dog do that man?”
Then owner answers without hesitation
“That’s easy he does it because he can”
THE GIANT ATTRACTION
In captivity panda’s suffer
Great indignity
They’re sexual failures
On display for all to see
WHERE EAGLE’S DARE
Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know
It wasn’t a very long journey
Before he reached a leafy tree
Where he met a Tit called Tina
And there the Eagle had her
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the Eagle had had his fun
Tina said, “I am a little Tit
And I’ve had a little bit
And I liked it”
Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know
It wasn’t a very long journey
Before he reached a leafy tree
And he met a Dove called Daisy
Where the Eagle had her easily
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the Eagle had had his fun
Daisy Said, “I am a little dove
And I’ve had a little love
And I liked it”
Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know
It’s journey wasn’t very harsh
And soon he reached a marsh
Where the met a Duck called Jo
And the Eagle had her just so
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the eagle had had his fun
Jo said, “I am a little Drake
And he made a big mistake
But I liked it”
FRUSTRATED FELINE
When your cat has just fallen asleep
Curled on your lap purring contentedly
And looking utterly adorable and sweet
You have to go to the bathroom suddenly
BEAR NECESSITIES
When in the North America forests
On holiday
Carry with you a whistle
And a can of pepper spray
Because you might meet a bear
A small bear eats mainly fruit
And the occasional squirrel
And can be easily scared away
With a sharp blast on your whistle
That’s how to deal with a small bear
A large bear won’t be frightened away
By a blast of your whistle
But a squirt of your pepper spray
Will do the trick not a lot just a little
That’s how to deal with a large bear
You can check if bears are in the area
By examining there droppings
If it smells of fruit
And contains squirrel fur
Then it was deposited by a small bear
However if the more dangerous large bear
Left its deposit along the way
It will probably contain a whistle
And it will smell of pepper spray
Will someone put the cat out?
Please don’t make me shout
To put the cat out is my one desire
So put it out because it’s on fire
IT’S THE DOGS….
A man and his dog walk into the pub
Each night to drink with the locals
As the man has a drink, the mans dog
Lies down and exposes his genitals
And oblivious to his audience the dog
Then lies on his back and licks them
Another man looks on in admiration
Saying “Is no one as impressed as I am?”
He then turns to the owner saying
“Now that’s a thing I wish I could do”
The dogs owner looks at him smiling
“Well give him a crisp and he’ll let you”
IT’S THE DOGS…. AGAIN
A man and his dog walk into the pub
Each night to drink with the locals
As the man has a drink, the mans dog
Lies down and then licks his genitals
An offended customer, disgusted asks
“Why does your dog do that man?”
Then owner answers without hesitation
“That’s easy he does it because he can”
THE GIANT ATTRACTION
In captivity panda’s suffer
Great indignity
They’re sexual failures
On display for all to see
WHERE EAGLE’S DARE
Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know
It wasn’t a very long journey
Before he reached a leafy tree
Where he met a Tit called Tina
And there the Eagle had her
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the Eagle had had his fun
Tina said, “I am a little Tit
And I’ve had a little bit
And I liked it”
Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know
It wasn’t a very long journey
Before he reached a leafy tree
And he met a Dove called Daisy
Where the Eagle had her easily
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the Eagle had had his fun
Daisy Said, “I am a little dove
And I’ve had a little love
And I liked it”
Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know
It’s journey wasn’t very harsh
And soon he reached a marsh
Where the met a Duck called Jo
And the Eagle had her just so
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the eagle had had his fun
Jo said, “I am a little Drake
And he made a big mistake
But I liked it”
FRUSTRATED FELINE
When your cat has just fallen asleep
Curled on your lap purring contentedly
And looking utterly adorable and sweet
You have to go to the bathroom suddenly
BEAR NECESSITIES
When in the North America forests
On holiday
Carry with you a whistle
And a can of pepper spray
Because you might meet a bear
A small bear eats mainly fruit
And the occasional squirrel
And can be easily scared away
With a sharp blast on your whistle
That’s how to deal with a small bear
A large bear won’t be frightened away
By a blast of your whistle
But a squirt of your pepper spray
Will do the trick not a lot just a little
That’s how to deal with a large bear
You can check if bears are in the area
By examining there droppings
If it smells of fruit
And contains squirrel fur
Then it was deposited by a small bear
However if the more dangerous large bear
Left its deposit along the way
It will probably contain a whistle
And it will smell of pepper spray
JIMBO
I got a new dog from Battersea
And I have called him Jimbo
I now take him to obedience classes
Where they walk us too and fro
But when he should be at heel
Jimbo almost always runs away
And then he comes bounding back
When he is supposed to sit and stay
Then when he’s walking on the lead
I have to pull young Jimbo back
Or he’s round and round my feet
Until I end up lying on my back
We’ve stopped going to the classes
And I have a stick for him to chase
I can forgive my Jimbo anything
When he jumps up to lick my face
And I have called him Jimbo
I now take him to obedience classes
Where they walk us too and fro
But when he should be at heel
Jimbo almost always runs away
And then he comes bounding back
When he is supposed to sit and stay
Then when he’s walking on the lead
I have to pull young Jimbo back
Or he’s round and round my feet
Until I end up lying on my back
We’ve stopped going to the classes
And I have a stick for him to chase
I can forgive my Jimbo anything
When he jumps up to lick my face
DARWINS DESIGN
There is, today, a fierce debate
Well in America at any rate
Darwinism is again causing friction
Some claim his work to be a fiction
And his “Origin of the Species”
Is likened to a pile of fetid faeces
Fossil evidence has caused the strife
Showing Random explosions of life
Evolution was not a gradual change
Thoughts we now must rearrange
Its not at all as Charles Darwin said
But Intelligent Design instead
Well in America at any rate
Darwinism is again causing friction
Some claim his work to be a fiction
And his “Origin of the Species”
Is likened to a pile of fetid faeces
Fossil evidence has caused the strife
Showing Random explosions of life
Evolution was not a gradual change
Thoughts we now must rearrange
Its not at all as Charles Darwin said
But Intelligent Design instead
FACETS OF FAITH
KING OF LOVE
The king of kings lord in heaven above
Holds the power in His kingdom of love
Not love of power but the power of love
HE IS
He is the earth
The wind and the fire
He is the sun
That rises in the east
And sets in the west
He is the tree in bud
And the mare in foal
He is the rain that gently falls
He is the birdsong
And the cockcrow
He is the staff of life
He is the Son of God
The prince of peace
THERE
You are there
When I face adversity
And in times of conflict
When I encounter trajedy or loss
You are there
When I experience joy
And at times of happiness
When I feel pride and count my blessings
You were there
When my children entered the world
And at their baptisms
When they married and when loved ones passed
You are always there
Dear lord
PRAYER
I pray to my god
When my heart is full
And when it is empty
When I just need to speak
And when I need an answer
When I have joy to share
And when at my lowest
I pray to my god
Who always listens?
AN UNDERSTANDING GOD
God didn’t say
You must circumcise your children
God didn’t say
You can have ten wives
God didn’t say
You mustn’t use a condom
God didn’t say
You must pray five times a day
God didn’t say
My priests cant marry
God didn’t say
Woman must be covered at all times
God didn’t say
You cannot divorce
God didn’t say
Divorcees cannot remarry in church
God didn’t say
You must remove your shoes in my house
God didn’t say
You must kill the infidel
God didn’t say
There is only one church
God didn’t say
You must ritually wash your feet
Man said these things
These rules were made by men
A GOOD CHRISTIAN
Dorothy spinster of this parish
With her sister taught Sunday school
For over fifty years
Both good Methodists and good Christians
Their lives dedicated to the church
To ensure the future of their church
Dorothy left a large bequest to the church
The church sought to honor a good woman
And dedicated in her name
A room within the church
For ever to be named after her
GOD AND SCIENCE
I believe in God
I believe him to be the creator
The creator of heaven and earth
Of the stars and the planets
I believe him to be the creator of the universe
The scientific community
Talk of the big bang
Which sparked off the creation of the universe
They call God a myth
And his creation a myth
Science of course call it the big bang theory
Theory being science speak for a guess
Or put another way a belief
They can no more prove their belief
Than I can prove the existence of God
For all there contempt for belief systems
They are locked in one of their own making
I have faith in the creation
But if there was a big bang
Then God pressed the button
The king of kings lord in heaven above
Holds the power in His kingdom of love
Not love of power but the power of love
HE IS
He is the earth
The wind and the fire
He is the sun
That rises in the east
And sets in the west
He is the tree in bud
And the mare in foal
He is the rain that gently falls
He is the birdsong
And the cockcrow
He is the staff of life
He is the Son of God
The prince of peace
THERE
You are there
When I face adversity
And in times of conflict
When I encounter trajedy or loss
You are there
When I experience joy
And at times of happiness
When I feel pride and count my blessings
You were there
When my children entered the world
And at their baptisms
When they married and when loved ones passed
You are always there
Dear lord
PRAYER
I pray to my god
When my heart is full
And when it is empty
When I just need to speak
And when I need an answer
When I have joy to share
And when at my lowest
I pray to my god
Who always listens?
AN UNDERSTANDING GOD
God didn’t say
You must circumcise your children
God didn’t say
You can have ten wives
God didn’t say
You mustn’t use a condom
God didn’t say
You must pray five times a day
God didn’t say
My priests cant marry
God didn’t say
Woman must be covered at all times
God didn’t say
You cannot divorce
God didn’t say
Divorcees cannot remarry in church
God didn’t say
You must remove your shoes in my house
God didn’t say
You must kill the infidel
God didn’t say
There is only one church
God didn’t say
You must ritually wash your feet
Man said these things
These rules were made by men
A GOOD CHRISTIAN
Dorothy spinster of this parish
With her sister taught Sunday school
For over fifty years
Both good Methodists and good Christians
Their lives dedicated to the church
To ensure the future of their church
Dorothy left a large bequest to the church
The church sought to honor a good woman
And dedicated in her name
A room within the church
For ever to be named after her
GOD AND SCIENCE
I believe in God
I believe him to be the creator
The creator of heaven and earth
Of the stars and the planets
I believe him to be the creator of the universe
The scientific community
Talk of the big bang
Which sparked off the creation of the universe
They call God a myth
And his creation a myth
Science of course call it the big bang theory
Theory being science speak for a guess
Or put another way a belief
They can no more prove their belief
Than I can prove the existence of God
For all there contempt for belief systems
They are locked in one of their own making
I have faith in the creation
But if there was a big bang
Then God pressed the button
THE LIGHTER SIDE OF FAITH
WISE CONFUCIUS
Wise Confucius spoke about his creed
Do not walk behind me for I may not lead
Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow
Do not walk near me or step in my zone
So just bugger off and leave me alone
THE ASTI
I think I am no ordinary man
Which begins my monologue
I am Dyslexic and an Atheist
But to complete my catalogue
Now I am an Insomniac as well
And I no longer sleep like a log
Instead I now lie awake at night
Wondering if there really is a Dog
OH GOD A WOMAN
I think God must be a Woman
I feel that this I must confide
For a Man would never have put
The male genitals on the outside
SAVED
The Salvation Army tries to perform
The thankless task of social reform
Treading the weary path to glory
Saving poor girls from Iniquity
If they are saving fallen women
I’ve just one thing to say then
When saving girls from Iniquity
Save the red headed one for me
WHY AM I HERE?
If it's true as the Church tells us so
That we are here to help others galore
Then perhaps the Church could tell me
What exactly the others are here for?
THE ANCIENT ART OF HAPPINESS
My Feng Shui man isn’t very happy
Unless the signs I have misread
But I don’t believe for a second
It’s anything that I have done or said
I think it’s the more likely that he
Got up on the wrong side of the bed
ETERNITY
An atheist was arguing
With holy men
And questioning the existence
Of heaven
One holy man said
That if you are precise
And there is no afterlife
Or any paradise
Its not like you’ll be able
To tell anyone
But if we are right
Then your fucked son
THE ROAD TO DAMASCUS
A man was walking one night
Down a lane without a light
Thinking that he heard a sound
The man then turned around
Someone jumped him suddenly
And assaulted him violently
Badly beaten and then robbed
He lay in the road and sobbed
Injured for many hours he lay
Many people had passed his way
Only one stopped, not to assist
To take his watch off his wrist
Hours later came a Samaritan
A social worker name of Stan
He was greatly shocked to see
Deeds committed by humanity
“Whoever hit you on the head
Really needs some help,” he said
UPRIGHT CHRISTIANS
The puritans have acted radically
By banning fornicating vertically
Only missionary style resembling
No table ending or knee trembling
What made them take the measure?
To restrict to horizontal pleasure
The theory that they are advancing
Is that the act may lead to dancing
I DON’T BELIEVE IT
The problem is when faith is lost
It isn’t that we believe in nothing
But rather the opposite is true
We start to believe in anything
OUR SARAH
A three-year-old called Sarah
Was reciting the lords prayer
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven
Harold is His name Amen."
FATHER, SON &
A Sunday school teacher asked her class,
"What was the name of Jesus' mother?"
One little child answered proudly "Mary"
The teacher said, “well done very clever”
The teacher then asked another question
"What was the name of Jesus' father?"
A boy called Terry answered "it’s Verge"
the teacher was Confused at the answer
She said, “that’s not the right answer”
Where did you get verge from Terry?"
The boy said, "Well you know everyone
Is always talking about Verge n' Mary
DEAR LORD
As to the lord God he was praying
A little boy was overheard saying
By his auntie Irene and Uncle Roy
“If you can’t make me a better boy
Please don't worry about it then
I'm having a good time as I Am." amen
CHILDISH PRAYER
When I was a boy I prayed to god
For a new bike for me
Than I realized that god
Doesn’t work like that you see
So I stole one instead
And asked him to forgive me
Wise Confucius spoke about his creed
Do not walk behind me for I may not lead
Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow
Do not walk near me or step in my zone
So just bugger off and leave me alone
THE ASTI
I think I am no ordinary man
Which begins my monologue
I am Dyslexic and an Atheist
But to complete my catalogue
Now I am an Insomniac as well
And I no longer sleep like a log
Instead I now lie awake at night
Wondering if there really is a Dog
OH GOD A WOMAN
I think God must be a Woman
I feel that this I must confide
For a Man would never have put
The male genitals on the outside
SAVED
The Salvation Army tries to perform
The thankless task of social reform
Treading the weary path to glory
Saving poor girls from Iniquity
If they are saving fallen women
I’ve just one thing to say then
When saving girls from Iniquity
Save the red headed one for me
WHY AM I HERE?
If it's true as the Church tells us so
That we are here to help others galore
Then perhaps the Church could tell me
What exactly the others are here for?
THE ANCIENT ART OF HAPPINESS
My Feng Shui man isn’t very happy
Unless the signs I have misread
But I don’t believe for a second
It’s anything that I have done or said
I think it’s the more likely that he
Got up on the wrong side of the bed
ETERNITY
An atheist was arguing
With holy men
And questioning the existence
Of heaven
One holy man said
That if you are precise
And there is no afterlife
Or any paradise
Its not like you’ll be able
To tell anyone
But if we are right
Then your fucked son
THE ROAD TO DAMASCUS
A man was walking one night
Down a lane without a light
Thinking that he heard a sound
The man then turned around
Someone jumped him suddenly
And assaulted him violently
Badly beaten and then robbed
He lay in the road and sobbed
Injured for many hours he lay
Many people had passed his way
Only one stopped, not to assist
To take his watch off his wrist
Hours later came a Samaritan
A social worker name of Stan
He was greatly shocked to see
Deeds committed by humanity
“Whoever hit you on the head
Really needs some help,” he said
UPRIGHT CHRISTIANS
The puritans have acted radically
By banning fornicating vertically
Only missionary style resembling
No table ending or knee trembling
What made them take the measure?
To restrict to horizontal pleasure
The theory that they are advancing
Is that the act may lead to dancing
I DON’T BELIEVE IT
The problem is when faith is lost
It isn’t that we believe in nothing
But rather the opposite is true
We start to believe in anything
OUR SARAH
A three-year-old called Sarah
Was reciting the lords prayer
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven
Harold is His name Amen."
FATHER, SON &
A Sunday school teacher asked her class,
"What was the name of Jesus' mother?"
One little child answered proudly "Mary"
The teacher said, “well done very clever”
The teacher then asked another question
"What was the name of Jesus' father?"
A boy called Terry answered "it’s Verge"
the teacher was Confused at the answer
She said, “that’s not the right answer”
Where did you get verge from Terry?"
The boy said, "Well you know everyone
Is always talking about Verge n' Mary
DEAR LORD
As to the lord God he was praying
A little boy was overheard saying
By his auntie Irene and Uncle Roy
“If you can’t make me a better boy
Please don't worry about it then
I'm having a good time as I Am." amen
CHILDISH PRAYER
When I was a boy I prayed to god
For a new bike for me
Than I realized that god
Doesn’t work like that you see
So I stole one instead
And asked him to forgive me
IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK
IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK # 1
I laugh in the face of quiz shows
With their supercilious so and so’s
I scoff at the “Mastermind” chair
And “Who wants to be a millionaire”
I spit on Ken Bruce’s “Pop Master”
The “Brain of Britain” or “The Krypton factor”
The only quiz worthy of its name
Is the excellent “Keithy’s guessing game”
IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK # 2
Keithy’s guessing game
Is full of gems and jewela
Questions on music trivia
Set to expose the fools
My only complaint, is that he
Keeps changing the bloody rules
Keith is a guy that I work with and he entertains us with his amusing daily quiz, Keithy’s guessing game
It’s predominantly a music quiz but invariably branches off into other areas.
I laugh in the face of quiz shows
With their supercilious so and so’s
I scoff at the “Mastermind” chair
And “Who wants to be a millionaire”
I spit on Ken Bruce’s “Pop Master”
The “Brain of Britain” or “The Krypton factor”
The only quiz worthy of its name
Is the excellent “Keithy’s guessing game”
IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK # 2
Keithy’s guessing game
Is full of gems and jewela
Questions on music trivia
Set to expose the fools
My only complaint, is that he
Keeps changing the bloody rules
Keith is a guy that I work with and he entertains us with his amusing daily quiz, Keithy’s guessing game
It’s predominantly a music quiz but invariably branches off into other areas.
A Good Chuckle
PUT DOWN # 8
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Where have you been all my life?”
Is the kind of line you might get
So just reply to him
“I wasn’t born for most of it”
PUT DOWN # 9
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Where have you been all my life?”
Is the kind of line he may use
So just reply to him
“I’ve been hiding from you”
LITTLE BOY BLUE
A person who blows their own trumpet
Is by nature a soloist
Alternatively the person could always be
A contortionist
PUT DOWN # 10
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How did you get to be so beautiful?”
He may well declare
So just reply to him
“I must've been given your share”
PUT DOWN # 11
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Will you go out with me this Saturday”?
Is an invitation he may extend
So just reply to him
“Sorry. I have a headache this weekend”
BELLA DONNA
I met the beautiful Daniela
When we shared her umbrella
Then we drank a little Stella
And I said I thought her bella
She said I was quite a fella
So I had my way with Daniela
If I saw her now I’d tell her
About the state of my old fella
That turned a funny shade of yella
And the STD clinic fella
Had to employ his own umbrella
After I had my way with Daniela
PUT DOWN # 12
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Your face must turn a few heads”
May be one of his attacks
So just reply to him
“Yours must turn a few stomachs”
PUT DOWN # 13
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“The look of you could stop a mans heart”
May be his opening gambit
So just reply to him
“The look of you could stop traffic”
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (3)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the west of India”
So I said “Goa?”
“Well that’s what they say about her”
PUT DOWN # 14
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“I’ve been looking for you all my life”
Just reply to him
“I hope you told your wife”
PUT DOWN # 15
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“You’re more than a woman to me”
Just reply to him
“More than you know, my name’s Henry”
A NEW BROOM
Two brooms where wed
And when “I do’s” were said
The lady broom disclosed
The reason for her clothes
Of genourous flatter
And the fact of the matter.
A little broom was on its way
Oh what a happy day
But he was not so happy
With expecting a little chappie
This just wasn’t fair
As he hadn’t swept with her
PUT DOWN # 16
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“I think I could make you very happy”
Is a line he might be weaving
So just reply to him
“Why? Are you leaving”?
PUT DOWN # 17
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“What would you say if I asked you to marry me”?
Just say clearly to him
“Nothing, I can't talk and laugh simultaneously”
LONG LIFE
“What is the secret of your longevity?”
They asked the world’s oldest human being
He replied “a good diet and exercise,
But most of all you must keep breathing”
PUT DOWN # 18
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Can I have your name Hon”?
Just say clearly to him
“Why? Don't you already have one”?
PUT DOWN # 19
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Shall we go and see a movie”?
Just reply to him
“I've seen it already”
SWING
I’m in the motor trade and I’ll try anything once
So I went to one of those swingers parties
I took the wife along and she was well keen
She’s a good looker when she’s dressed up tarty
But after I dropped my car keys in the bowl
I realised that I had really dropped a clanger
As I’d arrived at the party with the latest model
But I went home with an old banger
PUT DOWN # 20
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Is this seat empty Hon”?
Just reply to him
“Yes, and if you sit down so will this one”
PUT DOWN # 21
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“I bet you are a lawyer or a doctor?”
Just reply to him
“No I'm a female impersonator”
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (4)
My dad told me“
Susan’s going to Indonesia”
So I said “Bali?”
“Oh no, she’s not a dancer”
PUT DOWN # 22
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Hey baby, what's your sign”?
Is a question he may tender
So just reply to him
“My sign is “do not enter””
PUT DOWN # 23
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Wow your body is like a temple”
He might well say
Just reply to him
“Sorry, there are no services today”
PUT DOWN # 24
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“I'd die happy, If I could see you naked”
He might well begin
So just reply to him
“If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing”
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Where have you been all my life?”
Is the kind of line you might get
So just reply to him
“I wasn’t born for most of it”
PUT DOWN # 9
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Where have you been all my life?”
Is the kind of line he may use
So just reply to him
“I’ve been hiding from you”
LITTLE BOY BLUE
A person who blows their own trumpet
Is by nature a soloist
Alternatively the person could always be
A contortionist
PUT DOWN # 10
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How did you get to be so beautiful?”
He may well declare
So just reply to him
“I must've been given your share”
PUT DOWN # 11
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Will you go out with me this Saturday”?
Is an invitation he may extend
So just reply to him
“Sorry. I have a headache this weekend”
BELLA DONNA
I met the beautiful Daniela
When we shared her umbrella
Then we drank a little Stella
And I said I thought her bella
She said I was quite a fella
So I had my way with Daniela
If I saw her now I’d tell her
About the state of my old fella
That turned a funny shade of yella
And the STD clinic fella
Had to employ his own umbrella
After I had my way with Daniela
PUT DOWN # 12
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Your face must turn a few heads”
May be one of his attacks
So just reply to him
“Yours must turn a few stomachs”
PUT DOWN # 13
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“The look of you could stop a mans heart”
May be his opening gambit
So just reply to him
“The look of you could stop traffic”
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (3)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the west of India”
So I said “Goa?”
“Well that’s what they say about her”
PUT DOWN # 14
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“I’ve been looking for you all my life”
Just reply to him
“I hope you told your wife”
PUT DOWN # 15
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“You’re more than a woman to me”
Just reply to him
“More than you know, my name’s Henry”
A NEW BROOM
Two brooms where wed
And when “I do’s” were said
The lady broom disclosed
The reason for her clothes
Of genourous flatter
And the fact of the matter.
A little broom was on its way
Oh what a happy day
But he was not so happy
With expecting a little chappie
This just wasn’t fair
As he hadn’t swept with her
PUT DOWN # 16
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“I think I could make you very happy”
Is a line he might be weaving
So just reply to him
“Why? Are you leaving”?
PUT DOWN # 17
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“What would you say if I asked you to marry me”?
Just say clearly to him
“Nothing, I can't talk and laugh simultaneously”
LONG LIFE
“What is the secret of your longevity?”
They asked the world’s oldest human being
He replied “a good diet and exercise,
But most of all you must keep breathing”
PUT DOWN # 18
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Can I have your name Hon”?
Just say clearly to him
“Why? Don't you already have one”?
PUT DOWN # 19
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Shall we go and see a movie”?
Just reply to him
“I've seen it already”
SWING
I’m in the motor trade and I’ll try anything once
So I went to one of those swingers parties
I took the wife along and she was well keen
She’s a good looker when she’s dressed up tarty
But after I dropped my car keys in the bowl
I realised that I had really dropped a clanger
As I’d arrived at the party with the latest model
But I went home with an old banger
PUT DOWN # 20
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Is this seat empty Hon”?
Just reply to him
“Yes, and if you sit down so will this one”
PUT DOWN # 21
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“I bet you are a lawyer or a doctor?”
Just reply to him
“No I'm a female impersonator”
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (4)
My dad told me“
Susan’s going to Indonesia”
So I said “Bali?”
“Oh no, she’s not a dancer”
PUT DOWN # 22
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Hey baby, what's your sign”?
Is a question he may tender
So just reply to him
“My sign is “do not enter””
PUT DOWN # 23
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Wow your body is like a temple”
He might well say
Just reply to him
“Sorry, there are no services today”
PUT DOWN # 24
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“I'd die happy, If I could see you naked”
He might well begin
So just reply to him
“If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing”
CRIME WATCH
To reduce rising crime
There are criteria to meet
One of which is of course
More “Bobbies” on the beat
Preventative measures help
Taking precaution certainly
Locking doors and windows
Fitting alarms and CCTV
But the only certain way
For your possessions to remain
And for streets to be crime free
Is to stay indoors and pray for rain
There are criteria to meet
One of which is of course
More “Bobbies” on the beat
Preventative measures help
Taking precaution certainly
Locking doors and windows
Fitting alarms and CCTV
But the only certain way
For your possessions to remain
And for streets to be crime free
Is to stay indoors and pray for rain
GET A GRIP
It was when I was at the hospital today
I had undressed and was sat waiting
When the nurse said quite sharply
“You really must stop masturbating”
Alarmed I asked with tremulous voice
“Why is there something wrong Nurse Pugh?
She looked at me unsympathetically and said
“No it’s because I need to examine you”
I had undressed and was sat waiting
When the nurse said quite sharply
“You really must stop masturbating”
Alarmed I asked with tremulous voice
“Why is there something wrong Nurse Pugh?
She looked at me unsympathetically and said
“No it’s because I need to examine you”
PICKING FROM THE MENU
Looks can be so deceiving
When searching for a lover
If you make an instant judgment
Just hope they can deliver
So ladies beware when choosing
The macho over the wimp
If you expect to get king prawn
You may end up getting shrimp
When searching for a lover
If you make an instant judgment
Just hope they can deliver
So ladies beware when choosing
The macho over the wimp
If you expect to get king prawn
You may end up getting shrimp
A GRAVY TRAIN PRODUCTION
In order to keep supping
From the gravy train
The hangers on have boarded
The chav express again
Moving the Goody show
To the stage from satellite
So they can still cash in
And keep her in the spotlight
As if this crazy world
Wasn’t already farcical
Now we have to suffer
Jade the fucking musical
From the gravy train
The hangers on have boarded
The chav express again
Moving the Goody show
To the stage from satellite
So they can still cash in
And keep her in the spotlight
As if this crazy world
Wasn’t already farcical
Now we have to suffer
Jade the fucking musical
EVEN MORE 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 23
One, two, three, four, five.Once I caught a fish alive,
But what we couldn’t see
The fish was full of Mercury
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 24
An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Isn’t really true
So the best thing to do
Is squirt some mace
Into their face
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 25
Goosey Goosey Gander where shall I wander,Up hills, down dales with a bullet in the chamberthere I spied you plump and fat in my crosshairs
Then on the dinner table as we where saying prayers
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 26
Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,The cow jumped over the moon.We just couldn’t wait to have more fun
As we heated some more in a spoon
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 27
Itsy Bitsy spider climbing up the spout
Where all the chemical waste comes out
Now Itsy Bitsy spider isn’t quite the same
And can no longer get in the spout again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 28
Doctor FosterWent to Gloucester
On a railway train
But he got in a muddle
And got off at Bristol
And said “Oh shit not again”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 29
Little Boy Blue
Come blow your horn,And I’ll make you a superstar
In the world of porn
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 30
Hickory dickory dock
Something’s up with the clockThe clock’s struck dumbThe batteries run downUseless bloody clock
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 31
London Bridge is falling down,Falling down, falling down,And the reason that its falling down
Built by Wimpy
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 32
Mondays child is bleary eyed,Tuesdays child is full of pride,Wednesdays child is fighting fit,Thursdays child is full of shit,Fridays child gets out of its brain,Saturdays child goes to the pub again
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is nice and kind in an irritating way
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 33
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffetEating her curds and whey,Along came a geezer,
Who propositioned herAnd horny Miss Muffet said ok
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 34
Old Mother HubbardWent to the cupboard
To get her and doggie some breadWhen she got thereThe cupboard was bareSo she ate the doggie instead.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 35
Two little dicky birds sitting on a wall,One named Peter, one named Paul.Fly away Peter, away said Paul,Don’t come back, this is my wall!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 36
Jack Sprat could eat no fatHis wife could eat no lean
And so to please the two of them
They eat vegetarian cuisine
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 37
As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
Seven wives now that’s really tough
I’ve got one and that’s enough
One, two, three, four, five.Once I caught a fish alive,
But what we couldn’t see
The fish was full of Mercury
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 24
An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Isn’t really true
So the best thing to do
Is squirt some mace
Into their face
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 25
Goosey Goosey Gander where shall I wander,Up hills, down dales with a bullet in the chamberthere I spied you plump and fat in my crosshairs
Then on the dinner table as we where saying prayers
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 26
Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,The cow jumped over the moon.We just couldn’t wait to have more fun
As we heated some more in a spoon
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 27
Itsy Bitsy spider climbing up the spout
Where all the chemical waste comes out
Now Itsy Bitsy spider isn’t quite the same
And can no longer get in the spout again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 28
Doctor FosterWent to Gloucester
On a railway train
But he got in a muddle
And got off at Bristol
And said “Oh shit not again”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 29
Little Boy Blue
Come blow your horn,And I’ll make you a superstar
In the world of porn
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 30
Hickory dickory dock
Something’s up with the clockThe clock’s struck dumbThe batteries run downUseless bloody clock
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 31
London Bridge is falling down,Falling down, falling down,And the reason that its falling down
Built by Wimpy
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 32
Mondays child is bleary eyed,Tuesdays child is full of pride,Wednesdays child is fighting fit,Thursdays child is full of shit,Fridays child gets out of its brain,Saturdays child goes to the pub again
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is nice and kind in an irritating way
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 33
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffetEating her curds and whey,Along came a geezer,
Who propositioned herAnd horny Miss Muffet said ok
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 34
Old Mother HubbardWent to the cupboard
To get her and doggie some breadWhen she got thereThe cupboard was bareSo she ate the doggie instead.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 35
Two little dicky birds sitting on a wall,One named Peter, one named Paul.Fly away Peter, away said Paul,Don’t come back, this is my wall!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 36
Jack Sprat could eat no fatHis wife could eat no lean
And so to please the two of them
They eat vegetarian cuisine
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 37
As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
Seven wives now that’s really tough
I’ve got one and that’s enough
SPEECH IMPEDIMENT
Each morning, we stood at the bus stop
Not together, but in proximity
Day after day, week after week
I would glance at her in admiration
But I would never speak to her
There would be an occasional nod
And sometimes a smile
I would have liked to ask her out
I had almost done so many times
But my nerve would always go
So often I formed the question in my head
But the words wouldn’t come out
I always steeled myself
For the big moment, but it never happened
Then one day
When she looked particularly alluring
I thought to myself
This time will be different
This time I have rehearsed,
Though only on the cat,
This time I will do it.
So armed with a well constructed sentence
I made my move
I took a deep breath
Turned to face her,
The sentence looping through my head
Over and over
I opened my mouth to speak
But the sentence did not appear
Instead jumbled words tumbled out
From my anxiously dry mouth,
But not in the order I intended
Some words inappropriately joined together
Giving an all together different meaning
That may have caused her to be offended
It had gone better with the cat.
I just stood there
Spouting my nervous stuttering gibberish
I thought she must think me such an idiot
And fully expected her to laugh in my face
But instead she smiled at my nervousness
And reformed the words into a sentence,
The very sentence I had rehearsed,
Spoke it back to me
And then smiling broadly, answered yes
Not together, but in proximity
Day after day, week after week
I would glance at her in admiration
But I would never speak to her
There would be an occasional nod
And sometimes a smile
I would have liked to ask her out
I had almost done so many times
But my nerve would always go
So often I formed the question in my head
But the words wouldn’t come out
I always steeled myself
For the big moment, but it never happened
Then one day
When she looked particularly alluring
I thought to myself
This time will be different
This time I have rehearsed,
Though only on the cat,
This time I will do it.
So armed with a well constructed sentence
I made my move
I took a deep breath
Turned to face her,
The sentence looping through my head
Over and over
I opened my mouth to speak
But the sentence did not appear
Instead jumbled words tumbled out
From my anxiously dry mouth,
But not in the order I intended
Some words inappropriately joined together
Giving an all together different meaning
That may have caused her to be offended
It had gone better with the cat.
I just stood there
Spouting my nervous stuttering gibberish
I thought she must think me such an idiot
And fully expected her to laugh in my face
But instead she smiled at my nervousness
And reformed the words into a sentence,
The very sentence I had rehearsed,
Spoke it back to me
And then smiling broadly, answered yes
DANCE FOR ME THAT DANCE
Dance for me that dance
The one of ancient rhythm
Dance it to my whim
Like a primordial organism
Dance for me that dance
Laid back like the limbo
Hips grinding and gyrating
With your legs akimbo
Dance for me that dance
Dance it like a beast
Feel the animal rhythm
Feel the sensual beat
Sing for me that song
The one of ancient language
Guttural and savage
Like a beast in a cage
Dance for me that dance
Dance it to my rhythm
And as the music ends
Sing to me your orgasm
The one of ancient rhythm
Dance it to my whim
Like a primordial organism
Dance for me that dance
Laid back like the limbo
Hips grinding and gyrating
With your legs akimbo
Dance for me that dance
Dance it like a beast
Feel the animal rhythm
Feel the sensual beat
Sing for me that song
The one of ancient language
Guttural and savage
Like a beast in a cage
Dance for me that dance
Dance it to my rhythm
And as the music ends
Sing to me your orgasm
FOUR SEASONS
First love gave me springtime
And invigorated my life
It was summer in my heart
When you became my wife
Then in our autumn years
You were taken from my side
Now with my bitter loneliness
It’s in the winter that I reside
And invigorated my life
It was summer in my heart
When you became my wife
Then in our autumn years
You were taken from my side
Now with my bitter loneliness
It’s in the winter that I reside
FILLE DE PAPILLON
Remember when we were young
Those long halcyon days
Down on your dad’s farm
Joyful hours spent
Idling our time away.
Swinging on that old rustic gate
Roaming the countryside
Happy lazy days,
Nothing particular to do
And a world of time to do it in
They were wonderful days
They were innocent days
Before the end of childhood
Before those weeks
That special summer
So long ago
When you seemed to transform
Into something new
Like a butterfly
Emerging from its cocoon
Spreading its wings in the sun
Displaying fresh beauty
Your transformation
From the cutely naive country girl
Awkward and ungainly
Into a beautiful young woman
An altogether more graceful being
Though I was fond of the grubby faced girl
With untidy hair, wispy and uncombed
I would very soon fall in love
With the butterfly that had replace her
With the emergence of the butterfly girl
With all the beauty
Of the first flower of spring
We trod an unfamiliar path
Leaving our childish games behind
Taking our first tentative steps
Towards love
A love that was a stranger to us
Yet we stepped eagerly in to its turbulent sea
And immersed ourselves in its waters
We soon knew at once
The excitement of first love
When joy was all we could see
And all of our thoughts
Were only for each other
Sweet moments spent
In blissful adoration
Until love was burnt deeply on our souls
Now as we walk the familiar places
As we have so often done
With scenes much visited
We can stand in that spot
Where first I beheld the butterfly
Resplendent in the sunlight
And say to you
With heartfelt sincerity
That I love you still
Those long halcyon days
Down on your dad’s farm
Joyful hours spent
Idling our time away.
Swinging on that old rustic gate
Roaming the countryside
Happy lazy days,
Nothing particular to do
And a world of time to do it in
They were wonderful days
They were innocent days
Before the end of childhood
Before those weeks
That special summer
So long ago
When you seemed to transform
Into something new
Like a butterfly
Emerging from its cocoon
Spreading its wings in the sun
Displaying fresh beauty
Your transformation
From the cutely naive country girl
Awkward and ungainly
Into a beautiful young woman
An altogether more graceful being
Though I was fond of the grubby faced girl
With untidy hair, wispy and uncombed
I would very soon fall in love
With the butterfly that had replace her
With the emergence of the butterfly girl
With all the beauty
Of the first flower of spring
We trod an unfamiliar path
Leaving our childish games behind
Taking our first tentative steps
Towards love
A love that was a stranger to us
Yet we stepped eagerly in to its turbulent sea
And immersed ourselves in its waters
We soon knew at once
The excitement of first love
When joy was all we could see
And all of our thoughts
Were only for each other
Sweet moments spent
In blissful adoration
Until love was burnt deeply on our souls
Now as we walk the familiar places
As we have so often done
With scenes much visited
We can stand in that spot
Where first I beheld the butterfly
Resplendent in the sunlight
And say to you
With heartfelt sincerity
That I love you still
TIME IS A GREAT HEALER
Time is a great healer
That’s what they said
That’s what they told me
After you were dead
Banal words of wisdom
And benevolent attitudes
Empty words and gestures
And worthless platitudes
Only one thing
Can ever take the pain away
And you’re not coming back
No matter how hard I pray
I just wish with all my heart
We could have gone together
And I would not feel so lonely
And I’d be with you forever
That’s what they said
That’s what they told me
After you were dead
Banal words of wisdom
And benevolent attitudes
Empty words and gestures
And worthless platitudes
Only one thing
Can ever take the pain away
And you’re not coming back
No matter how hard I pray
I just wish with all my heart
We could have gone together
And I would not feel so lonely
And I’d be with you forever
SWEET TOOTH
I have a picture of you
Which speaks to me,
Speaks in sugary tones
And syrupy words
Of things I liked to hear
When we were both young
But my tastes have changed
A sweet tooth no longer
My palate more mature
More sophisticated
A little less exciting maybe
But you can’t be sixteen forever
But I will always keep
That picture of you
Which speaks to me
In sugary tones
And syrupy words
Just to remind me of the time
When I had a sweet tooth
Which speaks to me,
Speaks in sugary tones
And syrupy words
Of things I liked to hear
When we were both young
But my tastes have changed
A sweet tooth no longer
My palate more mature
More sophisticated
A little less exciting maybe
But you can’t be sixteen forever
But I will always keep
That picture of you
Which speaks to me
In sugary tones
And syrupy words
Just to remind me of the time
When I had a sweet tooth
SLEEP ON IT
Last night I was sad
Last night I was mad
Last night I hated you
Last night I berated you
Last night I was crying
Last night I was dying
Last night I was unforgiving
Last night I was tired of living
This morning I’m glad
Glad for what we once had
This morning I have regret for you
This morning I want to forget you
This morning the tears I cried
Have long since dried
This morning I am forgiving
This morning I am for living
Last night I was mad
Last night I hated you
Last night I berated you
Last night I was crying
Last night I was dying
Last night I was unforgiving
Last night I was tired of living
This morning I’m glad
Glad for what we once had
This morning I have regret for you
This morning I want to forget you
This morning the tears I cried
Have long since dried
This morning I am forgiving
This morning I am for living
JUNE
On that beautiful day in June
The bells peeled out their tune
And at that joyful sound he knew
He would soon hear her say “I do”
Then before him a beautiful sight
As she appeared in bridal white
The hue of the pure white dove
Dressed to symbolise her love
When they stood before the altar
He spoke clear without a falter
With a heart so strong and true
He said aloud to the world “I do”
The bells peeled out their tune
And at that joyful sound he knew
He would soon hear her say “I do”
Then before him a beautiful sight
As she appeared in bridal white
The hue of the pure white dove
Dressed to symbolise her love
When they stood before the altar
He spoke clear without a falter
With a heart so strong and true
He said aloud to the world “I do”
JUSTITIA
Justitia, or lady justice
Matronly Goddess
Stands for fairness
Validating justice
Sanctifying the law
A figure of trust
Before the court
She stands
Blindfolded
To mete out justice
Without fear of favour
Equality for all
In the eyes of the law
Impartiality
In Justitia’s left hand
The measuring balances
The scales of justice
Weighing the evidence
For and against
Support and opposition
Guilt and innocent
Justitia, in her right hand
Holds the sword
The symbol of power
Of reason and justice
A double edge sword,
The sword of justice
The nemesis sword
To be wielded for or against
Retribution or vengeance
Justita is a fraud
Justice is not blind
Rip off the blindfold
From the bitch’s eyes
She is not blind
She has no impartiality
She is the establishment
The ruling order
Her principled scales
Don’t measure justice
Only a rich mans coin
And her noble sword
The sword of justice
The nemesis sword
Is used to smite the weak
Matronly Goddess
Stands for fairness
Validating justice
Sanctifying the law
A figure of trust
Before the court
She stands
Blindfolded
To mete out justice
Without fear of favour
Equality for all
In the eyes of the law
Impartiality
In Justitia’s left hand
The measuring balances
The scales of justice
Weighing the evidence
For and against
Support and opposition
Guilt and innocent
Justitia, in her right hand
Holds the sword
The symbol of power
Of reason and justice
A double edge sword,
The sword of justice
The nemesis sword
To be wielded for or against
Retribution or vengeance
Justita is a fraud
Justice is not blind
Rip off the blindfold
From the bitch’s eyes
She is not blind
She has no impartiality
She is the establishment
The ruling order
Her principled scales
Don’t measure justice
Only a rich mans coin
And her noble sword
The sword of justice
The nemesis sword
Is used to smite the weak
THE JUDAS KISS
You said you had to go away,
Just a day or two
A business trip
Something you had to do
But I knew better
I knew that you were leaving
I found out
About the cheating and deceiving
I wait for the truth to come
But you just keep lying
You’re leaving me
And inside I’m dying
But you won’t see me cry
I just smile instead
I won’t let you see me
I will do that in my empty bed
You kiss me on the cheek
And look me in the eye
And with that Judas kiss
You turn and say goodbye
Just a day or two
A business trip
Something you had to do
But I knew better
I knew that you were leaving
I found out
About the cheating and deceiving
I wait for the truth to come
But you just keep lying
You’re leaving me
And inside I’m dying
But you won’t see me cry
I just smile instead
I won’t let you see me
I will do that in my empty bed
You kiss me on the cheek
And look me in the eye
And with that Judas kiss
You turn and say goodbye
I HIDE ME
I hide me
From the world
Protect myself
Within an amniotic sac
Like a babe in the womb
My heart in a cocoon
Free from harm
Wrapped in cotton wool
Safe, secure,
Out of sight, out of mind
I hide me
The best of me
Protected from
Deceitful hearts
And transient desires
The Schemers, dreamers,
And false redeemers
The superficial and the shallow
The morally hollow
Those that would hurt me
Use me and abuse me
All these and more
I hide me
The essential me
Keep me hidden
From the bitterness and bile
Of the vindictive and the vile
Free from recrimination
And spiteful retribution
Heart locked safely away
Never to see the light of day
From the world
Protect myself
Within an amniotic sac
Like a babe in the womb
My heart in a cocoon
Free from harm
Wrapped in cotton wool
Safe, secure,
Out of sight, out of mind
I hide me
The best of me
Protected from
Deceitful hearts
And transient desires
The Schemers, dreamers,
And false redeemers
The superficial and the shallow
The morally hollow
Those that would hurt me
Use me and abuse me
All these and more
I hide me
The essential me
Keep me hidden
From the bitterness and bile
Of the vindictive and the vile
Free from recrimination
And spiteful retribution
Heart locked safely away
Never to see the light of day
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