The first embrace
Of my seduction,
And the gentle passion
Of her kiss,
Quickened my pulse,
Electrified me.
Her unbuttoning my blouse
Met with compliance
And her hands,
As if gloved in velvet
Slid across my silken skin
Mapping my contours
Every sweep and curve of me
I felt her velvet touch
On my breasts
Teasing me, pleasing me
Tingling traversed my spine
Then warm breath, soft lips
On my proud pink tips
Before the moist heat
Of her warm honey mouth
Enveloped me
My mind was in a whirl
As this sensuous girl
Made love to me
An unknown sensuality
I never knew such a feeling
Erotic, toe curling
Getting me hot, getting me wet
I submitted to her
In guiltless acquiescence
As she undressed me.
Her lips began their journey
Kissing their way, to where?
Her mouth soft and tender
Traced in kisses
Around my ribcage
Oh my god, to there
Will she kiss me there?
My body shivered, quivered.
My skin tingled
As I felt her breath
On the soft down of my belly
Should I let her?
Should I let her kiss me there?
I squirmed beneath her
My head swimming
My body burned for her,
Ached and yearned for her
I felt her breathe against my fur
Her cheek lay against my thigh
I yielded to the goddess
Opened like a portal
Delivered myself to her
In all my vulnerability
And she delivered ecstasy
Friday, 17 July 2009
THEIR FIRST TIME
Safe in the darkness
Modesty abates,
Inhibitions melt away,
Mouths engage
Tongues employ,
Eager hands explore
In clumsy groping
Of eager young flesh.
Clinging together,
Writhing in unison,
Moaning, panting, gasping
The language of lust
Fluently uttered,
Peaking to imminent crescendo
With uncontrollable desire,
The throb and ache of want,
For final urgent coupling
In their gluttonous consumption
To attain satisfaction
Modesty abates,
Inhibitions melt away,
Mouths engage
Tongues employ,
Eager hands explore
In clumsy groping
Of eager young flesh.
Clinging together,
Writhing in unison,
Moaning, panting, gasping
The language of lust
Fluently uttered,
Peaking to imminent crescendo
With uncontrollable desire,
The throb and ache of want,
For final urgent coupling
In their gluttonous consumption
To attain satisfaction
I SPIED A CHRISTIAN MAID
From my pew
Where I stood and prayed
My eyes were fixed
On a Christian maid
Is it inappropriate?
My lecherous behaviour
When in church
Worshipping the saviour
I studied every inch
Right down to the floor
Instead of hymn numbers
Vital statistics I saw
A glimpse of lace
A bra strap showing
My eyes consumed her
Without her knowing
The tightness of her jeans
Her shape within
I missed the sermon
Doubtless about sin
A sight to feast my eyes
Which affected me so
That I had a quiver in my voice
And a tingle down below
Oh lord forgive me
For being such a sinner
But you must admit
She really is a stunner
Where I stood and prayed
My eyes were fixed
On a Christian maid
Is it inappropriate?
My lecherous behaviour
When in church
Worshipping the saviour
I studied every inch
Right down to the floor
Instead of hymn numbers
Vital statistics I saw
A glimpse of lace
A bra strap showing
My eyes consumed her
Without her knowing
The tightness of her jeans
Her shape within
I missed the sermon
Doubtless about sin
A sight to feast my eyes
Which affected me so
That I had a quiver in my voice
And a tingle down below
Oh lord forgive me
For being such a sinner
But you must admit
She really is a stunner
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
EPIDEMIC TO PANDEMIC
The UK swine flu cases
Have now reach sixty two
But the shocking news
That’s being kept from you
Is of the 35 million
Confirmed cases of man flu
Have now reach sixty two
But the shocking news
That’s being kept from you
Is of the 35 million
Confirmed cases of man flu
FEVERISH
I don’t think I have swine flu
As I haven’t been to Mexico
But I don’t feel well at all
I feel like crap if you must know
I thought of the NHS for advice
On the flu and perhaps its tackling
So I phoned the swine flu hotline
But all I got was crackling
As I haven’t been to Mexico
But I don’t feel well at all
I feel like crap if you must know
I thought of the NHS for advice
On the flu and perhaps its tackling
So I phoned the swine flu hotline
But all I got was crackling
PRISONER OF LOVE
I stole a glance at you
Lustfully larcenous
More than one in fact
I was a repeat offender
A serial gazer
In perpetual regard
Loitering with intent to stare
In open mouthed infatuation
And you caught me
Apprehended me in the act
Of elicit observation
Your arresting look
Took custody of me
A petty felon
With prior form
And with merciless intent
You stole my heart
Without hesitation
No mere act of petty larceny
You took it from me
And at once captivated me
Imprisoned me
Behind the bars of love
Once in your possession
It became valueless
Scornfully regarded
You keep it under glass
On display
Where you can watch it beat
Or by capricious whim
Play with it
Like a cat plays with a mouse
While I die by inches
Knowing you have my heart
But not one of your own
So sits a prisoner of love
In sight of death row
Indefinitely incarcerated
Behind the bars of love
No hope of parole
Lustfully larcenous
More than one in fact
I was a repeat offender
A serial gazer
In perpetual regard
Loitering with intent to stare
In open mouthed infatuation
And you caught me
Apprehended me in the act
Of elicit observation
Your arresting look
Took custody of me
A petty felon
With prior form
And with merciless intent
You stole my heart
Without hesitation
No mere act of petty larceny
You took it from me
And at once captivated me
Imprisoned me
Behind the bars of love
Once in your possession
It became valueless
Scornfully regarded
You keep it under glass
On display
Where you can watch it beat
Or by capricious whim
Play with it
Like a cat plays with a mouse
While I die by inches
Knowing you have my heart
But not one of your own
So sits a prisoner of love
In sight of death row
Indefinitely incarcerated
Behind the bars of love
No hope of parole
THE RUSTIC STILE AT LANES END
At lanes end
The rustic stile
Stands sentinel still
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
Our souls should meet
Though we purposely
Trod opposing paths
We met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took your hand
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safe to my side
And despite the presence
Of each others companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone
And in those moments
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
And were content
With that destiny
At lanes end
The rustic stile
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place oft revisited
And on such sojourns
We would find renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Assailed our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts would once again
Resound with joyousness
And sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love laid down
Through all our years
By returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour
The rustic stile
Stands sentinel still
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
Our souls should meet
Though we purposely
Trod opposing paths
We met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took your hand
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safe to my side
And despite the presence
Of each others companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone
And in those moments
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
And were content
With that destiny
At lanes end
The rustic stile
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place oft revisited
And on such sojourns
We would find renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Assailed our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts would once again
Resound with joyousness
And sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love laid down
Through all our years
By returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour
ALL OF MY LIFE
All of my life
I have had no talent
Hidden or on show
No gift or endowment
No skill or mastery
No bent or flair
Ability or forte
Nothing to mark me out
From the common herd
Or stand me out from the crowd
All of my life
I have been ordinary
Mediocre and average
Quite mundane and everyday
No hint of genius
Expert only in my ordinariness
But content in my mediocrity
All of my life
I have been un-ambitious
No goals to be achieved
Not driven by desire
In any shape or form
Some might say shiftless
I would say satisfied
Happy with my lot
All of my life
I lived a half life
Until my outlook changed
When I saw you smile
And heard you speak my name
I was born again
With new purpose
A new vocation
To shed my mediocrity
And cast it aside
Like a well used coat
And dig deep within myself
To find that dying ember of desire
That almost imperceptible spark
So clearly visible to you
And breathe life into it
Until white hot
And then fan the flames of passion
You have ignited in me
All the rest of my life
Endowed with your gift
I will feel extraordinary
And with my new found ambition
My one and only goal
The soul purpose of my being
Is to make you truly happy
As happy as you have made me
And with all my heart and soul
I will dedicate myself
To always loving you
I have had no talent
Hidden or on show
No gift or endowment
No skill or mastery
No bent or flair
Ability or forte
Nothing to mark me out
From the common herd
Or stand me out from the crowd
All of my life
I have been ordinary
Mediocre and average
Quite mundane and everyday
No hint of genius
Expert only in my ordinariness
But content in my mediocrity
All of my life
I have been un-ambitious
No goals to be achieved
Not driven by desire
In any shape or form
Some might say shiftless
I would say satisfied
Happy with my lot
All of my life
I lived a half life
Until my outlook changed
When I saw you smile
And heard you speak my name
I was born again
With new purpose
A new vocation
To shed my mediocrity
And cast it aside
Like a well used coat
And dig deep within myself
To find that dying ember of desire
That almost imperceptible spark
So clearly visible to you
And breathe life into it
Until white hot
And then fan the flames of passion
You have ignited in me
All the rest of my life
Endowed with your gift
I will feel extraordinary
And with my new found ambition
My one and only goal
The soul purpose of my being
Is to make you truly happy
As happy as you have made me
And with all my heart and soul
I will dedicate myself
To always loving you
ON LIFE’S GREAT JOURNEY
On life’s great journey
When sweet love crosses your path
Seize it with great urgency
Capture it and keep it safe
Do not let it loose from your grasp
Lest it slip through your fingers, and be gone
Hold it tightly
Cherish it, nurture it, and watch it grow
Until it wraps itself about you
Like a great loving cloak
Protecting you from the world
Making you invincible
And you will know true happiness
But when on your life long expedition
And sweet love crosses your path
Ignore it at your peril
For who can say
When it might pass your way again
When sweet love crosses your path
Seize it with great urgency
Capture it and keep it safe
Do not let it loose from your grasp
Lest it slip through your fingers, and be gone
Hold it tightly
Cherish it, nurture it, and watch it grow
Until it wraps itself about you
Like a great loving cloak
Protecting you from the world
Making you invincible
And you will know true happiness
But when on your life long expedition
And sweet love crosses your path
Ignore it at your peril
For who can say
When it might pass your way again
BENEATH THE WEEPING WILLOW TREE
Like the star-crossed lovers,
Romeo and Juliet,
They come from feuding kin
And must hide their love
They meet in secret
Beside the quiet lake
The only sounds,
Are of the faintest breeze
Disturbing the lofty tree tops
And ducks squabbling on the lake
But despite the quiet
Fearful of discovery
They embrace hidden from view
Beneath a weeping willow tree
Whose leafy pendulous branches
Trail down into the still water
Stirred by the gentle breeze
They dip in an out of the water
Like the toes of a reluctant bather.
They kiss there in the quiet shade
And feel at once renewed
No words are spoken
Their language is of caress and kiss
Such tender converse
With limitless vocabulary
And languid pronunciation
Every syllable well employed
And when the final paragraph is reached
They end with perfect .punctuation
Stirring from their lovers languor
They tread separate paths
To rejoin warring tribes
Adopting adversarial manner
No knowing looks to be exchange
No casual brushing past
When for that exquisite moment
Hand touches hand
They must remain entrenched
Until they can once again
Embrace beneath the weeping willow tree
Romeo and Juliet,
They come from feuding kin
And must hide their love
They meet in secret
Beside the quiet lake
The only sounds,
Are of the faintest breeze
Disturbing the lofty tree tops
And ducks squabbling on the lake
But despite the quiet
Fearful of discovery
They embrace hidden from view
Beneath a weeping willow tree
Whose leafy pendulous branches
Trail down into the still water
Stirred by the gentle breeze
They dip in an out of the water
Like the toes of a reluctant bather.
They kiss there in the quiet shade
And feel at once renewed
No words are spoken
Their language is of caress and kiss
Such tender converse
With limitless vocabulary
And languid pronunciation
Every syllable well employed
And when the final paragraph is reached
They end with perfect .punctuation
Stirring from their lovers languor
They tread separate paths
To rejoin warring tribes
Adopting adversarial manner
No knowing looks to be exchange
No casual brushing past
When for that exquisite moment
Hand touches hand
They must remain entrenched
Until they can once again
Embrace beneath the weeping willow tree
BENEATH THE WEEPING WILLOW TREE
Like the star-crossed lovers,
Romeo and Juliet,
They come from feuding kin
And must hide their love
They meet in secret
Beside the quiet lake
The only sounds,
Are of the faintest breeze
Disturbing the lofty tree tops
And ducks squabbling on the lake
But despite the quiet
Fearful of discovery
They embrace hidden from view
Beneath a weeping willow tree
Whose leafy pendulous branches
Trail down into the still water
Stirred by the gentle breeze
They dip in an out of the water
Like the toes of a reluctant bather.
They kiss there in the quiet shade
And feel at once renewed
No words are spoken
Their language is of caress and kiss
Such tender converse
With limitless vocabulary
And languid pronunciation
Every syllable well employed
And when the final paragraph is reached
They end with perfect .punctuation
Stirring from their lovers languor
They tread separate paths
To rejoin warring tribes
Adopting adversarial manner
No knowing looks to be exchange
No casual brushing past
When for that exquisite moment
Hand touches hand
They must remain entrenched
Until they can once again
Embrace beneath the weeping willow tree
Romeo and Juliet,
They come from feuding kin
And must hide their love
They meet in secret
Beside the quiet lake
The only sounds,
Are of the faintest breeze
Disturbing the lofty tree tops
And ducks squabbling on the lake
But despite the quiet
Fearful of discovery
They embrace hidden from view
Beneath a weeping willow tree
Whose leafy pendulous branches
Trail down into the still water
Stirred by the gentle breeze
They dip in an out of the water
Like the toes of a reluctant bather.
They kiss there in the quiet shade
And feel at once renewed
No words are spoken
Their language is of caress and kiss
Such tender converse
With limitless vocabulary
And languid pronunciation
Every syllable well employed
And when the final paragraph is reached
They end with perfect .punctuation
Stirring from their lovers languor
They tread separate paths
To rejoin warring tribes
Adopting adversarial manner
No knowing looks to be exchange
No casual brushing past
When for that exquisite moment
Hand touches hand
They must remain entrenched
Until they can once again
Embrace beneath the weeping willow tree
BENEATH THE WEEPING WILLOW TREE
Like the star-crossed lovers,
Romeo and Juliet,
They come from feuding kin
And must hide their love
They meet in secret
Beside the quiet lake
The only sounds,
Are of the faintest breeze
Disturbing the lofty tree tops
And ducks squabbling on the lake
But despite the quiet
Fearful of discovery
They embrace hidden from view
Beneath a weeping willow tree
Whose leafy pendulous branches
Trail down into the still water
Stirred by the gentle breeze
They dip in an out of the water
Like the toes of a reluctant bather.
They kiss there in the quiet shade
And feel at once renewed
No words are spoken
Their language is of caress and kiss
Such tender converse
With limitless vocabulary
And languid pronunciation
Every syllable well employed
And when the final paragraph is reached
They end with perfect .punctuation
Stirring from their lovers languor
They tread separate paths
To rejoin warring tribes
Adopting adversarial manner
No knowing looks to be exchange
No casual brushing past
When for that exquisite moment
Hand touches hand
They must remain entrenched
Until they can once again
Embrace beneath the weeping willow tree
Romeo and Juliet,
They come from feuding kin
And must hide their love
They meet in secret
Beside the quiet lake
The only sounds,
Are of the faintest breeze
Disturbing the lofty tree tops
And ducks squabbling on the lake
But despite the quiet
Fearful of discovery
They embrace hidden from view
Beneath a weeping willow tree
Whose leafy pendulous branches
Trail down into the still water
Stirred by the gentle breeze
They dip in an out of the water
Like the toes of a reluctant bather.
They kiss there in the quiet shade
And feel at once renewed
No words are spoken
Their language is of caress and kiss
Such tender converse
With limitless vocabulary
And languid pronunciation
Every syllable well employed
And when the final paragraph is reached
They end with perfect .punctuation
Stirring from their lovers languor
They tread separate paths
To rejoin warring tribes
Adopting adversarial manner
No knowing looks to be exchange
No casual brushing past
When for that exquisite moment
Hand touches hand
They must remain entrenched
Until they can once again
Embrace beneath the weeping willow tree
GHURKA WARRIOR
Ghurka warrior
Proud and loyal
How can you take
This cruel betrayal
Always williing
To take up arms
To suffer war
And all its harms
You defended empire
And commonwealth
Fighting hand to hand
And in stealth
You stood and fought
In our nations name
How we forsake you
To our governments shame
Ghurka warrior
Loyal and proud
You now have justice
Let us cheer you aloud
Proud and loyal
How can you take
This cruel betrayal
Always williing
To take up arms
To suffer war
And all its harms
You defended empire
And commonwealth
Fighting hand to hand
And in stealth
You stood and fought
In our nations name
How we forsake you
To our governments shame
Ghurka warrior
Loyal and proud
You now have justice
Let us cheer you aloud
LOVES METAPHOR REVISITED
Not even the angels above
Could make a better match
So please be with me
And I will make you happy
Such is the depth and breadth
Of my lasting love
Intense and profound
Broader than the horizon
And the measure of an ocean deep
Enduring till that watery abyss
Dries to sun baked desert
And its powdery form runs
Through your fingers
And loves metaphor is blown away
Like smoke on the wind
Could make a better match
So please be with me
And I will make you happy
Such is the depth and breadth
Of my lasting love
Intense and profound
Broader than the horizon
And the measure of an ocean deep
Enduring till that watery abyss
Dries to sun baked desert
And its powdery form runs
Through your fingers
And loves metaphor is blown away
Like smoke on the wind
DESIGN FOR LIFE
lWhen you look out
Across the cityscape
The first impression is one of planning
With order and method
A systematic landscape
Above a thriving community
Running as a well oiled machine
Every element doing its part
A symbiotic relationship
Every person a cog in the machine
A perpetual entity
Evolving and changing
Redesigning itself
Outside the conurbation
As if in stark contrast
The country side and nature
Appear chaotic and haphazard
Without order or method
Simple and ordinary
Lacking the sophistication of civilization
But in reality the urbanites live in chaos
Dysfunctional and self-destructive
While in nature there is structure and order
And the closer you observe it
The more of its complexities
And intricate structures are revealed
Everything precision engineered
With order and purpose
Every organism contains nature’s code
The building blocks of our world
And of our universe
True sophistication exists at every level
Complex and extraordinary
So let man builds his cities
While God builds everything else
Across the cityscape
The first impression is one of planning
With order and method
A systematic landscape
Above a thriving community
Running as a well oiled machine
Every element doing its part
A symbiotic relationship
Every person a cog in the machine
A perpetual entity
Evolving and changing
Redesigning itself
Outside the conurbation
As if in stark contrast
The country side and nature
Appear chaotic and haphazard
Without order or method
Simple and ordinary
Lacking the sophistication of civilization
But in reality the urbanites live in chaos
Dysfunctional and self-destructive
While in nature there is structure and order
And the closer you observe it
The more of its complexities
And intricate structures are revealed
Everything precision engineered
With order and purpose
Every organism contains nature’s code
The building blocks of our world
And of our universe
True sophistication exists at every level
Complex and extraordinary
So let man builds his cities
While God builds everything else
I HAD FORGOTTEN HER
lI had forgotten her
I had forgotten
The way she looked
With her bright elfin face
And brown soulful eyes
I had forgotten
The sound of her voice
With its sweet honeyed tones
And her infectious laughter
It had been hard
But I had forgotten her
I had forgotten
The smell of her hair
The taste of her lips
The touch of her skin
I had forgotten her
She was off my radar
My senses were free of her
Free of her intoxication
Free of her narcotic
It had taken months
Going cold turkey
To cleanse myself
To detox
To shake her from my consciousness
And exorcise her from my soul
I changed jobs
Decorated the house
Rid myself of everything that reminded me of her
And I was free
My life was once more on an even keel
The stormy seas had been quelled
All was calm and safe
Such comfort there is in safe
The wounds had healed
Though the scars remained
I had peace of mind
Since I had forgotten her
Well I had forgotten her
Until that fateful day
When I found it
Down the side of the sofa
A small pearl button
Such an innocuous item
Evoked such potent memories
Of a violet lamb’s wool sweater
That accentuated her breasts so well
The button was a casualty of an encounter
Discarded in our passionate haste
And in that instance of recognition
She was all at once back with me
My senses reawakened
Her scent was in my nostrils
I could feel her lips on mine
Her caress on my cheek
I could hear her infectious chuckle
And I saw her sitting beside me
Close enough to touch
And as the wounds reopened
I realised I had not forgotten her
I had just shut down
Disabled my interface with the world
Hid in my castle and pulled up the draw bridge
And created my own world within
I held the button in my fingers
As my castle walls fell
And the world flooded in
That little pearl button
Spoke to me in volumes
And I knew I loved her still
I had forgotten
The way she looked
With her bright elfin face
And brown soulful eyes
I had forgotten
The sound of her voice
With its sweet honeyed tones
And her infectious laughter
It had been hard
But I had forgotten her
I had forgotten
The smell of her hair
The taste of her lips
The touch of her skin
I had forgotten her
She was off my radar
My senses were free of her
Free of her intoxication
Free of her narcotic
It had taken months
Going cold turkey
To cleanse myself
To detox
To shake her from my consciousness
And exorcise her from my soul
I changed jobs
Decorated the house
Rid myself of everything that reminded me of her
And I was free
My life was once more on an even keel
The stormy seas had been quelled
All was calm and safe
Such comfort there is in safe
The wounds had healed
Though the scars remained
I had peace of mind
Since I had forgotten her
Well I had forgotten her
Until that fateful day
When I found it
Down the side of the sofa
A small pearl button
Such an innocuous item
Evoked such potent memories
Of a violet lamb’s wool sweater
That accentuated her breasts so well
The button was a casualty of an encounter
Discarded in our passionate haste
And in that instance of recognition
She was all at once back with me
My senses reawakened
Her scent was in my nostrils
I could feel her lips on mine
Her caress on my cheek
I could hear her infectious chuckle
And I saw her sitting beside me
Close enough to touch
And as the wounds reopened
I realised I had not forgotten her
I had just shut down
Disabled my interface with the world
Hid in my castle and pulled up the draw bridge
And created my own world within
I held the button in my fingers
As my castle walls fell
And the world flooded in
That little pearl button
Spoke to me in volumes
And I knew I loved her still
DIFFERENT STROKES
lWe are poles apart
You are north to my south
We are different ends of the solar system
You are Mercury I am Pluto
We are contradictory
You are black to my white
We are from different ends of the earth
We inhabit different hemispheres
You are up and I am down
We should be knife and fork
Brush and paint
Cup and saucer
Pepper and salt
But we are not
How did we become man and wife?
You are north to my south
We are different ends of the solar system
You are Mercury I am Pluto
We are contradictory
You are black to my white
We are from different ends of the earth
We inhabit different hemispheres
You are up and I am down
We should be knife and fork
Brush and paint
Cup and saucer
Pepper and salt
But we are not
How did we become man and wife?
ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER
lAbsence makes the heart grow fonder
Is that really true I wonder
Does it work without fail
Or is it just an old wives tale
I’m not sure the advice is the best
And I’m fearful to put it to the test
For if I were to go away
For a month, a week, a day
I fear I wouldn’t miss you and pine
But would think our separation fine
Is that really true I wonder
Does it work without fail
Or is it just an old wives tale
I’m not sure the advice is the best
And I’m fearful to put it to the test
For if I were to go away
For a month, a week, a day
I fear I wouldn’t miss you and pine
But would think our separation fine
SNAPSHOT
I held her picture
Posed for posterity
A picture of a young girl
In a summer dress
A “hand me down”
Pattern faded
With fraying hem
A pretty young woman
Face of innocence
Framed by brown tousled hair
Naïve and unaffected
Unsure of her beauty
And more beautiful
Because of it
Such a wonderful snapshot
Of a perfect moment
So long ago
I fell in love with her that day
My heart melted
Like the snow in spring
I love her still
And every day in between
Tears welled in my eyes
As I looked at that picture
Of naïve beauty
And they fell unchecked
As I remembered
The woman she became
And the love we shared
Until she was taken from me
Posed for posterity
A picture of a young girl
In a summer dress
A “hand me down”
Pattern faded
With fraying hem
A pretty young woman
Face of innocence
Framed by brown tousled hair
Naïve and unaffected
Unsure of her beauty
And more beautiful
Because of it
Such a wonderful snapshot
Of a perfect moment
So long ago
I fell in love with her that day
My heart melted
Like the snow in spring
I love her still
And every day in between
Tears welled in my eyes
As I looked at that picture
Of naïve beauty
And they fell unchecked
As I remembered
The woman she became
And the love we shared
Until she was taken from me
TAINTED LOVE
lCruel fate
Cursed our souls
When cupids arrow
Missed its aim
And speared our hearts
Hearts not free to love
Hearts otherwise wedded
In blessed union
But cupids strike
Left us fettered
Bound togetherWith loves chains
Enslaving us
Bonding us with love
Conjugated by fate
Entangled marionettes
Puppets of love
Reluctantly performing
To another’s will
Held in love's grip
By fates curseThat bitter sweet gift
Of deceitful ardour
Duplicitous romance
Forbidden passion
That gift of love
With the curse of betrayal
Knowing loves intimacy
The joy of closeness
The warmth of tendernessPassion made manifest
Emboldened the psyche
Elevated the soul
Flames of passion
Burning deeply
Cleansing all
But the guilt
Enchanted by Eros
Beguiled by Amor
Spellbound by adoration
But gripped by fear
Fear of being together
Fear of discovery
But the overriding fear
Of separation
Cursed our souls
When cupids arrow
Missed its aim
And speared our hearts
Hearts not free to love
Hearts otherwise wedded
In blessed union
But cupids strike
Left us fettered
Bound togetherWith loves chains
Enslaving us
Bonding us with love
Conjugated by fate
Entangled marionettes
Puppets of love
Reluctantly performing
To another’s will
Held in love's grip
By fates curseThat bitter sweet gift
Of deceitful ardour
Duplicitous romance
Forbidden passion
That gift of love
With the curse of betrayal
Knowing loves intimacy
The joy of closeness
The warmth of tendernessPassion made manifest
Emboldened the psyche
Elevated the soul
Flames of passion
Burning deeply
Cleansing all
But the guilt
Enchanted by Eros
Beguiled by Amor
Spellbound by adoration
But gripped by fear
Fear of being together
Fear of discovery
But the overriding fear
Of separation
RAINY SUNDAY
lIt’s a rainy Sunday
And I’m feeling blue
Remembering the past
And thinking of you
Do you happily look back?
Across the years
Or do you view them
Through bitter tears
Do you ever think of me?
Just once in a while
With a furrowed brow
Or rueful smile
You thought our love
Would last an eternity
But I was quite happy
Just to wait and see
I just wanted us
To enjoy the laughter
But what you wanted
Was happy ever after
I loved you so much more
Than I would ever say
When we broke up
On that rainy Sunday
When you asked me
I should have said
“I really do love you”
I just shrugged instead
I wish I could go back
To that rainy Sunday
I would get on my knees
And beg you to stay
And I’m feeling blue
Remembering the past
And thinking of you
Do you happily look back?
Across the years
Or do you view them
Through bitter tears
Do you ever think of me?
Just once in a while
With a furrowed brow
Or rueful smile
You thought our love
Would last an eternity
But I was quite happy
Just to wait and see
I just wanted us
To enjoy the laughter
But what you wanted
Was happy ever after
I loved you so much more
Than I would ever say
When we broke up
On that rainy Sunday
When you asked me
I should have said
“I really do love you”
I just shrugged instead
I wish I could go back
To that rainy Sunday
I would get on my knees
And beg you to stay
ADDICTED TO LOVE
I have given her only love
And tender affection
In return I get only contempt
In its equal measure
I cannot cut the bond
The unseen umbilical
That binds me to her
I am a slave to her will
Chained and imprisoned
By a dominating mistress
Cruel and controlling
In an invisible metaphor
Her words are like whips
That lash me with cruelty
Each word laced with
Bile and poison
That cuts into me deeply
But never scars my flesh
If only one word
Bore but a hint of kindness
I would be uplifted
But I remain down cast
My hopes and dreams
Have faded into ether
Enslavement has led
To a foul dependency
Now I am addicted
To her poisonous love
The stuff of nightmares
And tender affection
In return I get only contempt
In its equal measure
I cannot cut the bond
The unseen umbilical
That binds me to her
I am a slave to her will
Chained and imprisoned
By a dominating mistress
Cruel and controlling
In an invisible metaphor
Her words are like whips
That lash me with cruelty
Each word laced with
Bile and poison
That cuts into me deeply
But never scars my flesh
If only one word
Bore but a hint of kindness
I would be uplifted
But I remain down cast
My hopes and dreams
Have faded into ether
Enslavement has led
To a foul dependency
Now I am addicted
To her poisonous love
The stuff of nightmares
A PORT IN A STORM
Is it too much to ask
For my love to be returned
Just one simple gesture of warmth
That is all I’ve yearned
A burning passion is hoped for
Though in truth not expected
A heartfelt acknowledgement
But no heart has been detected
Drifting in and out of my life
As if I’m a convenient respite
Then when interest wanes
I am again alone in the night
Each bland uncaring rebuff,
Is another dagger to my heart
My love is treated with apathy
But I miss it when we’re apart
I chastise my self for my weakness
For accepting it and making do
I deserve better than this
I deserve a love that’s honest and true
I have paid all my dues
I have paid in like an endowment
Never made a withdrawal
Still there is no return on my investment
Now my will to continue is gone
As I am left once more Forlorn
I pray my for anguish to be at an end
Like a bird impaled upon a thorn
For my love to be returned
Just one simple gesture of warmth
That is all I’ve yearned
A burning passion is hoped for
Though in truth not expected
A heartfelt acknowledgement
But no heart has been detected
Drifting in and out of my life
As if I’m a convenient respite
Then when interest wanes
I am again alone in the night
Each bland uncaring rebuff,
Is another dagger to my heart
My love is treated with apathy
But I miss it when we’re apart
I chastise my self for my weakness
For accepting it and making do
I deserve better than this
I deserve a love that’s honest and true
I have paid all my dues
I have paid in like an endowment
Never made a withdrawal
Still there is no return on my investment
Now my will to continue is gone
As I am left once more Forlorn
I pray my for anguish to be at an end
Like a bird impaled upon a thorn
GONE ARE THOSE JOYFUL DAYS
Gone is that joyful day
When we stood before God
Humble in his blessed presence
And we were joined as one
Everything ahead of us
Gone are those joyful days
Full of love and laughter
Days of tender moments
And heady nights of passion
Everything ahead of us
Gone are those joyful days
When we walked along the shore line
Sunlight glinting on the water
The sea breeze blowing through our hair
Happy and carefree, hand in hand
Everything ahead of us
Gone are those joyful days
When God blessed our union
And delivered perfect joy into our lives
As our little family grew
And we had everything we desired
Gone are those joyful days
When your smile lit up my life
And my heart brimmed over with love for you
Before it was broken in two
And you were still here with us
Gone are the joyful days
Since you have gone ahead of me
Now God has you by his side
And I will miss you deeply until that day
When God has reunited us
I look forward to that joyful day
When we stand once more together
But though my heart is broken
I must delay our reunion
Our sweet children need me
And I must love them double now
When we stood before God
Humble in his blessed presence
And we were joined as one
Everything ahead of us
Gone are those joyful days
Full of love and laughter
Days of tender moments
And heady nights of passion
Everything ahead of us
Gone are those joyful days
When we walked along the shore line
Sunlight glinting on the water
The sea breeze blowing through our hair
Happy and carefree, hand in hand
Everything ahead of us
Gone are those joyful days
When God blessed our union
And delivered perfect joy into our lives
As our little family grew
And we had everything we desired
Gone are those joyful days
When your smile lit up my life
And my heart brimmed over with love for you
Before it was broken in two
And you were still here with us
Gone are the joyful days
Since you have gone ahead of me
Now God has you by his side
And I will miss you deeply until that day
When God has reunited us
I look forward to that joyful day
When we stand once more together
But though my heart is broken
I must delay our reunion
Our sweet children need me
And I must love them double now
THE SEASONS OF LOVE
Our love was born with the lambs
In the freshness of spring
And like the lambs we stepped unsure
Uncertain of what life would bring
When spring turned to summer
We had caught cupid’s eye
Our hearts danced like flowers in the breeze
As he shot his arrows at you and I
When summer waned into autumn
Love changed colour like the leaves
Life draining away dying leaf by leaf
And began to drift away on the breeze
When autumn gave way to winter
Love lay bleeding in the snow
Each flake of snow buried it deeper
Nothing of our love was left to show
In the freshness of spring
And like the lambs we stepped unsure
Uncertain of what life would bring
When spring turned to summer
We had caught cupid’s eye
Our hearts danced like flowers in the breeze
As he shot his arrows at you and I
When summer waned into autumn
Love changed colour like the leaves
Life draining away dying leaf by leaf
And began to drift away on the breeze
When autumn gave way to winter
Love lay bleeding in the snow
Each flake of snow buried it deeper
Nothing of our love was left to show
WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN?
"Who killed Cock Robin?"
"I," said the Sparrow,"With my bow and arrow,
I killed Cock Robin."
"Who killed the sparrows?"
"We," said the Humans,"With out many deftly hands,
We killed the sparrows.”
“Why kill the sparrows?"“Because they are so small,
And don’t matter at all,
That’s why we kill the sparrows.”
"Who killed the humans?"
“Mother nature did the act,
For mans breach of contract,
Mother nature had to act”
"I," said the Sparrow,"With my bow and arrow,
I killed Cock Robin."
"Who killed the sparrows?"
"We," said the Humans,"With out many deftly hands,
We killed the sparrows.”
“Why kill the sparrows?"“Because they are so small,
And don’t matter at all,
That’s why we kill the sparrows.”
"Who killed the humans?"
“Mother nature did the act,
For mans breach of contract,
Mother nature had to act”
SPRING IS HERE
Before the dawn has fully broken
I am all at once awoken
By wondrous songbird symphony
Though to some it is cacophony
But to hear the dawn chorus
Singing songs, loud and joyous
So my heart is simply soaring
For the season that I’m adoring
Now that its Spring my heart is lifted
For another Spring that God has gifted
When daffodils burst from the ground
And in the breeze they dance around
Grass is growing lush and green
The greenest that it has ever been
And with cherry blossom on the tree
Spring is here for all to see
I am all at once awoken
By wondrous songbird symphony
Though to some it is cacophony
But to hear the dawn chorus
Singing songs, loud and joyous
So my heart is simply soaring
For the season that I’m adoring
Now that its Spring my heart is lifted
For another Spring that God has gifted
When daffodils burst from the ground
And in the breeze they dance around
Grass is growing lush and green
The greenest that it has ever been
And with cherry blossom on the tree
Spring is here for all to see
FROM BEGINNING TO END
From school days
To pay days
From a lowly newbie
To the top of the tree
From earning a salary
To redundancy
From numerous applications
To endless rejections
From a life of worth
To a state of dearth
From adolescence
To obsolescence
To pay days
From a lowly newbie
To the top of the tree
From earning a salary
To redundancy
From numerous applications
To endless rejections
From a life of worth
To a state of dearth
From adolescence
To obsolescence
ANYTHING GOES
The Cole Porter classic “Anything Goes”
Is a song everyone knows
“In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking
Now heaven knows
Anything goes”
Which attempted to define
The moral decline
Well little did he know
How low morals would go
Now little is left to the imagination
When it come to female emancipation
Woman display themselves to readily
Or dress inappropriately
Their varying degrees of undress
Expose pierced and tattooed flesh
In thongs with exposed arses
Or skirts as short as west end farces
Naked midriffs of all shapes and sizes
Leaving no room for surprises
Flesh erupts like a muffin
Over waist bands unable to keep it in
And no one should ever wear Lycra
Unless their figure is micra
There are things that should remain hidden
And only revealed when bidden
Equally there are also things about a woman
That does not need to be revealed to a man
For example a cause of great consternation
Is that we get to here about their constipation
Loss of bladder control issues
Feminine freshness wipes and tissues
Then there is the shaving and waxing
And treatments men would find quite taxing
There are things we don’t need to see or hear
I just want to make that clear
One behaviour that’s quite disturbing
Is a mother in public breast feeding
Nursing a baby we don’t want to see
No matter how nice her nurses maybe
But the very worst thing to see
Is when they are out socially
Woman kind when emancipated
Failed to do what was anticipated
In taming the animal in men
And preventing his wildness emerging again
Instead women have fallen into the pit
And show know intention of leaving it
Laddettes and matrons who should know better
End up drunk laying in the gutter
Even at a holiday resort
Men look on as they disport
Cavorting bare chest-ed
Free of the clothes they have divested
As they display manicured muffs
And unmatched collar and cuffs
The tattooes, piercings and body art
Are the only way to tell them apart
Full of cocktails and beer
And the odd infection I fear
I’m not sure Mrs Pankhurst
When the idea struck her first
Envisaged that this would be the way of it
And Cole Porter didn’t know the half of it
“In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking
Now heaven knows
Anything goes”
Is a song everyone knows
“In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking
Now heaven knows
Anything goes”
Which attempted to define
The moral decline
Well little did he know
How low morals would go
Now little is left to the imagination
When it come to female emancipation
Woman display themselves to readily
Or dress inappropriately
Their varying degrees of undress
Expose pierced and tattooed flesh
In thongs with exposed arses
Or skirts as short as west end farces
Naked midriffs of all shapes and sizes
Leaving no room for surprises
Flesh erupts like a muffin
Over waist bands unable to keep it in
And no one should ever wear Lycra
Unless their figure is micra
There are things that should remain hidden
And only revealed when bidden
Equally there are also things about a woman
That does not need to be revealed to a man
For example a cause of great consternation
Is that we get to here about their constipation
Loss of bladder control issues
Feminine freshness wipes and tissues
Then there is the shaving and waxing
And treatments men would find quite taxing
There are things we don’t need to see or hear
I just want to make that clear
One behaviour that’s quite disturbing
Is a mother in public breast feeding
Nursing a baby we don’t want to see
No matter how nice her nurses maybe
But the very worst thing to see
Is when they are out socially
Woman kind when emancipated
Failed to do what was anticipated
In taming the animal in men
And preventing his wildness emerging again
Instead women have fallen into the pit
And show know intention of leaving it
Laddettes and matrons who should know better
End up drunk laying in the gutter
Even at a holiday resort
Men look on as they disport
Cavorting bare chest-ed
Free of the clothes they have divested
As they display manicured muffs
And unmatched collar and cuffs
The tattooes, piercings and body art
Are the only way to tell them apart
Full of cocktails and beer
And the odd infection I fear
I’m not sure Mrs Pankhurst
When the idea struck her first
Envisaged that this would be the way of it
And Cole Porter didn’t know the half of it
“In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking
Now heaven knows
Anything goes”
YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE
He lived his life in the shadows
Hiding from Gods light
Not acknowledging his existence
Thinking he was out of sight
He thought he walked the road alone
Without the Lord by his side
But at the hour of his death
His faith could no longer be denied
On the darkness of this death
God lights a light to show his way
Shining his light of love
To comfort those left in disarray
As he walks in Gods light
Within the sound of Heavens bells
God illuminating his path
Now he walks with the angels
Hiding from Gods light
Not acknowledging his existence
Thinking he was out of sight
He thought he walked the road alone
Without the Lord by his side
But at the hour of his death
His faith could no longer be denied
On the darkness of this death
God lights a light to show his way
Shining his light of love
To comfort those left in disarray
As he walks in Gods light
Within the sound of Heavens bells
God illuminating his path
Now he walks with the angels
I WENT TO A FUNERAL TODAY
I went to a funeral today
What a totally depressing day
In was a humanist service
Cold and utterly soulless
With some mumbling buffoon
Waffling on in monotone
A couple of poorly read poems
From some well thumbed tomes
And ended in a fit of irony
To the tune of “stay with me”
He was not religious I will concede
But even a man lacking a creed
Should be launched into oblivion
To the sound of a rousing requiem
What a totally depressing day
In was a humanist service
Cold and utterly soulless
With some mumbling buffoon
Waffling on in monotone
A couple of poorly read poems
From some well thumbed tomes
And ended in a fit of irony
To the tune of “stay with me”
He was not religious I will concede
But even a man lacking a creed
Should be launched into oblivion
To the sound of a rousing requiem
Friday, 24 April 2009
Assorted Humour
WORKING LATES AND EARLIES
Why is it that the boss
Is in the office bright and early
Only on those particular days
When the rest of us are tardy
But is noticeably late
On the days that we are early
PUT DOWN # 3
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Haven't I seen you some place before”?
Just say clearly to him
“Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore”
PUT DOWN # 4
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you “I'm a photographer
I've been looking for a face like yours.”
Just reply “I'm a plastic surgeon
I've been looking for a face like yours.”
PUT DOWN # 5
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Didn't we go on a date once?
Or was it twice?”
Just reply “Must've been once.
I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice”
SMART CAR OWNER
Just remember the next time
You’re stuck in the snow and slush
That size really does matter
So never buy a car you can't push.
PUT DOWN # 6
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “I believe in equality
So you can ask ME out” Just reply to him sweetly
“Well if you insist, Get out”.
PUT DOWN # 7
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“Can I buy you a drink, honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'd rather have the money”.
CLUNK CLICK
Clunk click every trip
Is the advice of the boffins
Because your seat belt is never
As confining as your coffin
CALL ME EPPING
They call me Epping
Coz I’m not the full shilling
They call me Epping
Coz I’m just past Barking
THE FOURTH
The fourth of July in the USA
Is that nations independence day
When they celebrate with a holiday
In England we look across the pond
At a nation of whom we are truly fond
Indeed we feel we have a special bond
From when they won their independence
We’ve watched like anxious parents
And they’ve done quite well since
SENIOR TRIP
I tripped and fell
In my house today
I wasn’t hurt
But as on the floor I lay
I wondered to myself
In that senior way
Was there any task to do
As I’m down here anyway
FIRST GOD CREATED ADAM
First God created Adam
Then from Adams rib, created Eve
But why did God make man first
Why was a woman, not first conceived?
Well if the truth be told
God created Adam first you see
As you must have a rough draft
Before making the final copy
SENIOR SENSATION
When I was young
I loved the roller coaster
The thrill and sensation
Nothing could compare
Now I’m getting old
With my salt and pepper hair
I get the same sensation
From my rocking chair
WOW GRAN
A teenage boy walks in the room
And asks his granny
"Have you seen my pills?
They were labeled LSD"
She looks at him and smiles
"Fuck the pills” Says she
“What about the dragon
Sat on the settee"
HEAD OF YEAR
In the fifties
My greatest fear
Was being called to see the headmaster
Now I’m in my fifties
My greatest fear
Is having to call the headmaster
SENIOR SYSTEMS
In the sixties
We all thought screw the system
Now we’re in our sixties
We all have to upgrade the system
EVERGREEN
In my youth
I was often heard to say
“Whatever”
Now I’m a senior
I’m more likely to say
“If ever”
HAIR CHOO
I’ve learned a valuable lesson
Which almost cost me an ear
What ever you do don't sneeze
When someone is cutting your hair
BIRDS
The world over the bird of peace
Is regarded to be the dove,
And there are many contenders
For the bird representing true love
However on Friday and Saturday nights
Among the inebriated and the shallow
The bird that represents true love
Is regarded to be the swallow
LOVE MAKER
In my long life
I have found this to be true
It is impossible
To make someone love you
You have to accept this
Or adopt a different spin
By stalking them until they panic
And they finally give in
GROWING UP
I hate to shatter your elusions
Misconceptions or delusions
But in no way shape or form
Does the fact you have the horn
A stiffy, an erection or both
Count as personal growth
DON’T BRING LULU
In the roaring twenties
Lulu was a flapper
And was often seen
With the soave and the dapper
Now if she lived today
In the days of the rapper
When those who think bling
Is really quite the thing
That makes them cool
Today’s equivalent to dapper
She would be there
Lulu the modern flapper
At all the in places
But she’d be thought of as a slapper
CHOCO MAN
I have had my fill of men
Who are second rate
If only they were as satisfying
As a bar of chocolate
IT WASN’T ME
Everybody is responsible
Never mind what nanny state says
For their own actions
That’s the way it is
We are all responsible for what we do Except of course for celebrities
BI THE WAY
Just remember when on the prowl
For liaisons casual
Your chances are immediately doubled
If you are bisexual
OLD BUZZARD
I have come to the conclusion
Which is quite worrying
That although my sex life isn’t dead
The buzzards are definitely circling
FUN GUY OR FUNGI
In my long life
I have found this to be true
Ex husbands are like thrush
They keep coming back to you
GO SOUTH
Now I’m getting on
The time has come
As winter approaches
To head towards the sun
To head south for the winter
Like the ducks before me
But it’s with regret I have to say
Some of me is headed there already
COLD SHOULDER
Always remember
You should never go to bed
On a cross word
After angry things are said
It’s more sensible
Not to go to bed angry, when
You can stay up
And calmly plot your revenge
BODY IMAGE
I am not perfect
My figure is not the best
Some bits I really hate
But I do quite like my breasts
I have flabby thighs,
Which I would happily condemn
But fortunately my stomachObscures the view of them
EARLY RISER
When I do my exercise
I do it early in the morning
Before my brain works out
What my bodies doing
HEALTHIER LIFE
The recipe for a healthier life
Is to be a regular exerciser
This is the current advice
Of every medical practitioner
But exercising every day
Just means that you die healthier
FASHION POLICE
After years of fret and worry
About what I should be wearing
And the pressures of looking good
I have decided there’s no point in caring
All the advice from fashion gurus
Do wear this don’t wear that
Choosing clothes which flatter
Avoid things that make me look fat
After all the fashion tips I’ve had
I’ve decided that enough is enough
I’ve realized it’s not what you wear
But rather it’s how you take it off
MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS # 1
I've noticed that there is a fine line
Between genius and insanity
And also that artificial intelligence
Is no match for natural stupidity
MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS # 2
I've learned that I don't suffer
From insanity, I enjoy it
And perhaps not surprisingly
No body actually gives a shit
CULTURE VULTURE
Isn’t culture wonderful?
Music, theatre, poetry
Something for everyone
To feel or hear or see
The performing arts
I particularly like poetry
Especially poetry readings
With the writer at the mic
I go to festivals and slams
From time to time
I like to go to a recital
And ask why the poem doesn't rhyme
UNCONTROLLABLE
It is impossible for a man
To control his wife
It just doesn’t happen
In this modern life
But it is possible for a man
To control a wife
But that man must however
Lead a bachelor life
DRINK DRIVING
His wife is driving him to drink
My best friend told me when we talked
I told him he was very lucky
Because my wife makes me walk
BIRTHDAY BLUES
Is another birthday looming?
Is another milestone coming into view?
Well don’t fret about it
Behind the clouds it’s always blue
Birthdays are a good thing
Even the milestone years too
The more you have, the longer you live So birthdays are good for you
THANKS MUM
From a very early age
I was told by my mother
“Your sole purpose in life
Is to serve as a warning to others”
GETTING THE BOOTS
Bimbette was fired from her job
At the local pharmacy
The reason for her dismissal
With which she did not agree
Was For failing to print labels
For the prescription medicines
Which she vehemently denied
And would fight by any means
Her claim for wrongful dismissal
However she was not a winner
As her defence, was that the bottles
Would not fit into the printer
PUZZLED GIRLS
Bimbette and peaches
Finished a jigsaw
And got really excited
And they danced around the floor
It had only taken six months
Hence the dance and cheers
On the box it clearly read
"2-4 years!"
BLONDSKI
Bimbette always wanted to go water skiing
And desperately wanted to fulfill her hope
But despite an lengthy and extensive search
She was unable to find a Lake with a slope.
SEX TOY
In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car
NOT BEING PREVIOUS
For those who don’t believe
In sex before marriage
Those who want the horse
Before the carriage
I should point out
It isn't premarital sex per se”
If there is no intention
Of having a wedding day
ONE GOOD TURN
One good turn deserves another
I think that’s what they say
But I’ve learned that one good turn
Gets most of the duvet
OLD AGE IS A STATE OF MIND
Old age is a state of mind
Don’t be miserable about it
You don’t need to get uptight
Or have a hissy fit
You can still have fun
Don’t let your heart get cold
You don’t stop laughing
Just because you get old
It’s the other way round
You daft old thing
The reason you get old
Is because you stop laughing
BLONDE EMERGENCY
There was an emergency
And poor Bimbette was all-alone
She had to call the operator because
There was no "eleven" on her phone
OLD JOKE
The unfortunate truth is sadly
That growing older is mandatorybut what is also true for allis that growing up is optionaland the most important tip or trickis laughing at yourself is therapeutic
SEX WITHOUT LOVE
Sex without love
Is a meaningless experience you know
I think you’ll agree
But as meaningless experiences go
Sex without love
Is pretty bloody marvelous though
SEX IS
Sex is the most natural
Sex is the most wonderful
Sex is the most wholesome
Sex is the most awesome
Sex is the most special
Sex is the most beautiful
That money can buy
For any girl or guy
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN
What do you call an intelligent,
Good looking and sensitive man?
The most obvious answer would be
Call him whenever you can
But this question is more to do with humour
Because this man is gay or just a rumour
KEEPING HER HAPPY
Sam and Carol are in bed
Just about to do the do
When Sam says to Carol
"I am going to make you
The happiest woman in the world." Carol replied, “I’ll miss you”
PUTTING YOUR FOOT IN IT
If you have occasion to
Put your foot in your mouth
Make sure you only put one size ten
In your north and south
Never ever should you put
Both feet in your mouth
Never put both size tens
In your north and south
Because with that act of madness done
You won't have a leg to stand on
CHERIO CHILDHOOD
When I was a kid
I was fussy about breakfast cereal
But only because
I had to have one with the collectible
Now I’m older
Choosing cereal holds less joy
As I must have one with fibre
Instead of one with a toy
IT DOESN’T MATTER
It doesn’t matter
How much I care
It doesn’t matter
How much I dare
It doesn’t matter
How much I share
It doesn’t matter
How much soul I bare
I have come to realize
No matter how I play my cards
Some people are just
Total bastards
THE BEST ONES
The people most important to you
The ones you care about and love
Are taken from you all too soon
Taken from us to heaven above
And all the people you don’t care about
Just never seem to go away
And those whom you positively hate
Seem to be permanently in the way
FUDGE
Fudge could be a metaphor
For the family
A confection which
Describes it neatly
An occasional fruit
But just sweet mostly
And assorted nuts
Completes the fudge family
THE MIGHTY OAK
The mighty oak
Is a universal symbol
A Representing of strengthboth solid and dependable
The mighty oak
That stands today
Is simply a nut
That held its ground one yesterday
MAXIMS INCOMPLETE
Women, you can’t live with them
All's well that ends
A penny saved is a penny.
Don't leave things unfinishe
What goes up
If it aint broke don’t
A bird in the hand is
Never do today
THE BLACK DOG
For years I have suffered
At the hands of depression
I’m not alone in my suffering
Many others have this affliction
Winston Churchill had a name for it
“Black dog” he named his miasm
I’ve come to think of mine
As anger without enthusiasm
IN GOD WE TRUST
Have faith
In the being from afar
Trust in God
But lock your car.
ROYAL NAMES
If the royal family
Want respect from society
And to keep their number
Free from notoriety
It might have helped
To avoid behavior that scandalizes
And also not to have named the kids
After public houses
TALKING HUSBAND
When you marry
Chose a man that you,
Love to talk to
For these conversational skills
As you get older
Will be as important as any other.
ONCE UPON A TIME
Once upon a time
One day long, long ago,
There lived a woman who you will not know
A remarkable woman
No man has ever known
Who did not whine, nag, bitch or moan
But this was a long, long ago And it was just ONE dayAnd that’s all this fairy tale has to say
HEALTH CLUB WARNING
I joined a health club last year
It cost two hundred pounds so quite dear
I haven’t lost a single pound
So as an investment not very sound
But it wasn’t their fault to be fare
Because apparently you have to go there
EXERCISE PLAN
My wife wants me to start taking exercise
But not for my own sake to be plain The only reason she wants me to exercise
Is so she can hear heavy breathing again
FEELING DOWN
I find at times life gets me down a bit
And I get depressed I must admit
I’m not the only one that is sometimes down
And I try to make a smile out of a frown
But lately my mood had been very black
And I knew I must try to get my life back
I thought the Samaritans can help if anyone can
So I called and got a call centre in Pakistan
I explained that I called them for my survivalbecause I was low and I was feeling suicidalI was surprised at their response to my blues
Because they were very excited at my news
And they proceeded to try and ascertain
If I could drive a truck or fly a plane
A GOOD EXERCISE
Exercise is a good thing
Pushing your body physically
It can take many forms
I like cycling particularly
I like golf and swimming
I like long walks, especially
When they are taken byPeople who annoy me
Why is it that the boss
Is in the office bright and early
Only on those particular days
When the rest of us are tardy
But is noticeably late
On the days that we are early
PUT DOWN # 3
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Haven't I seen you some place before”?
Just say clearly to him
“Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore”
PUT DOWN # 4
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you “I'm a photographer
I've been looking for a face like yours.”
Just reply “I'm a plastic surgeon
I've been looking for a face like yours.”
PUT DOWN # 5
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Didn't we go on a date once?
Or was it twice?”
Just reply “Must've been once.
I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice”
SMART CAR OWNER
Just remember the next time
You’re stuck in the snow and slush
That size really does matter
So never buy a car you can't push.
PUT DOWN # 6
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “I believe in equality
So you can ask ME out” Just reply to him sweetly
“Well if you insist, Get out”.
PUT DOWN # 7
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“Can I buy you a drink, honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'd rather have the money”.
CLUNK CLICK
Clunk click every trip
Is the advice of the boffins
Because your seat belt is never
As confining as your coffin
CALL ME EPPING
They call me Epping
Coz I’m not the full shilling
They call me Epping
Coz I’m just past Barking
THE FOURTH
The fourth of July in the USA
Is that nations independence day
When they celebrate with a holiday
In England we look across the pond
At a nation of whom we are truly fond
Indeed we feel we have a special bond
From when they won their independence
We’ve watched like anxious parents
And they’ve done quite well since
SENIOR TRIP
I tripped and fell
In my house today
I wasn’t hurt
But as on the floor I lay
I wondered to myself
In that senior way
Was there any task to do
As I’m down here anyway
FIRST GOD CREATED ADAM
First God created Adam
Then from Adams rib, created Eve
But why did God make man first
Why was a woman, not first conceived?
Well if the truth be told
God created Adam first you see
As you must have a rough draft
Before making the final copy
SENIOR SENSATION
When I was young
I loved the roller coaster
The thrill and sensation
Nothing could compare
Now I’m getting old
With my salt and pepper hair
I get the same sensation
From my rocking chair
WOW GRAN
A teenage boy walks in the room
And asks his granny
"Have you seen my pills?
They were labeled LSD"
She looks at him and smiles
"Fuck the pills” Says she
“What about the dragon
Sat on the settee"
HEAD OF YEAR
In the fifties
My greatest fear
Was being called to see the headmaster
Now I’m in my fifties
My greatest fear
Is having to call the headmaster
SENIOR SYSTEMS
In the sixties
We all thought screw the system
Now we’re in our sixties
We all have to upgrade the system
EVERGREEN
In my youth
I was often heard to say
“Whatever”
Now I’m a senior
I’m more likely to say
“If ever”
HAIR CHOO
I’ve learned a valuable lesson
Which almost cost me an ear
What ever you do don't sneeze
When someone is cutting your hair
BIRDS
The world over the bird of peace
Is regarded to be the dove,
And there are many contenders
For the bird representing true love
However on Friday and Saturday nights
Among the inebriated and the shallow
The bird that represents true love
Is regarded to be the swallow
LOVE MAKER
In my long life
I have found this to be true
It is impossible
To make someone love you
You have to accept this
Or adopt a different spin
By stalking them until they panic
And they finally give in
GROWING UP
I hate to shatter your elusions
Misconceptions or delusions
But in no way shape or form
Does the fact you have the horn
A stiffy, an erection or both
Count as personal growth
DON’T BRING LULU
In the roaring twenties
Lulu was a flapper
And was often seen
With the soave and the dapper
Now if she lived today
In the days of the rapper
When those who think bling
Is really quite the thing
That makes them cool
Today’s equivalent to dapper
She would be there
Lulu the modern flapper
At all the in places
But she’d be thought of as a slapper
CHOCO MAN
I have had my fill of men
Who are second rate
If only they were as satisfying
As a bar of chocolate
IT WASN’T ME
Everybody is responsible
Never mind what nanny state says
For their own actions
That’s the way it is
We are all responsible for what we do Except of course for celebrities
BI THE WAY
Just remember when on the prowl
For liaisons casual
Your chances are immediately doubled
If you are bisexual
OLD BUZZARD
I have come to the conclusion
Which is quite worrying
That although my sex life isn’t dead
The buzzards are definitely circling
FUN GUY OR FUNGI
In my long life
I have found this to be true
Ex husbands are like thrush
They keep coming back to you
GO SOUTH
Now I’m getting on
The time has come
As winter approaches
To head towards the sun
To head south for the winter
Like the ducks before me
But it’s with regret I have to say
Some of me is headed there already
COLD SHOULDER
Always remember
You should never go to bed
On a cross word
After angry things are said
It’s more sensible
Not to go to bed angry, when
You can stay up
And calmly plot your revenge
BODY IMAGE
I am not perfect
My figure is not the best
Some bits I really hate
But I do quite like my breasts
I have flabby thighs,
Which I would happily condemn
But fortunately my stomachObscures the view of them
EARLY RISER
When I do my exercise
I do it early in the morning
Before my brain works out
What my bodies doing
HEALTHIER LIFE
The recipe for a healthier life
Is to be a regular exerciser
This is the current advice
Of every medical practitioner
But exercising every day
Just means that you die healthier
FASHION POLICE
After years of fret and worry
About what I should be wearing
And the pressures of looking good
I have decided there’s no point in caring
All the advice from fashion gurus
Do wear this don’t wear that
Choosing clothes which flatter
Avoid things that make me look fat
After all the fashion tips I’ve had
I’ve decided that enough is enough
I’ve realized it’s not what you wear
But rather it’s how you take it off
MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS # 1
I've noticed that there is a fine line
Between genius and insanity
And also that artificial intelligence
Is no match for natural stupidity
MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS # 2
I've learned that I don't suffer
From insanity, I enjoy it
And perhaps not surprisingly
No body actually gives a shit
CULTURE VULTURE
Isn’t culture wonderful?
Music, theatre, poetry
Something for everyone
To feel or hear or see
The performing arts
I particularly like poetry
Especially poetry readings
With the writer at the mic
I go to festivals and slams
From time to time
I like to go to a recital
And ask why the poem doesn't rhyme
UNCONTROLLABLE
It is impossible for a man
To control his wife
It just doesn’t happen
In this modern life
But it is possible for a man
To control a wife
But that man must however
Lead a bachelor life
DRINK DRIVING
His wife is driving him to drink
My best friend told me when we talked
I told him he was very lucky
Because my wife makes me walk
BIRTHDAY BLUES
Is another birthday looming?
Is another milestone coming into view?
Well don’t fret about it
Behind the clouds it’s always blue
Birthdays are a good thing
Even the milestone years too
The more you have, the longer you live So birthdays are good for you
THANKS MUM
From a very early age
I was told by my mother
“Your sole purpose in life
Is to serve as a warning to others”
GETTING THE BOOTS
Bimbette was fired from her job
At the local pharmacy
The reason for her dismissal
With which she did not agree
Was For failing to print labels
For the prescription medicines
Which she vehemently denied
And would fight by any means
Her claim for wrongful dismissal
However she was not a winner
As her defence, was that the bottles
Would not fit into the printer
PUZZLED GIRLS
Bimbette and peaches
Finished a jigsaw
And got really excited
And they danced around the floor
It had only taken six months
Hence the dance and cheers
On the box it clearly read
"2-4 years!"
BLONDSKI
Bimbette always wanted to go water skiing
And desperately wanted to fulfill her hope
But despite an lengthy and extensive search
She was unable to find a Lake with a slope.
SEX TOY
In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car
NOT BEING PREVIOUS
For those who don’t believe
In sex before marriage
Those who want the horse
Before the carriage
I should point out
It isn't premarital sex per se”
If there is no intention
Of having a wedding day
ONE GOOD TURN
One good turn deserves another
I think that’s what they say
But I’ve learned that one good turn
Gets most of the duvet
OLD AGE IS A STATE OF MIND
Old age is a state of mind
Don’t be miserable about it
You don’t need to get uptight
Or have a hissy fit
You can still have fun
Don’t let your heart get cold
You don’t stop laughing
Just because you get old
It’s the other way round
You daft old thing
The reason you get old
Is because you stop laughing
BLONDE EMERGENCY
There was an emergency
And poor Bimbette was all-alone
She had to call the operator because
There was no "eleven" on her phone
OLD JOKE
The unfortunate truth is sadly
That growing older is mandatorybut what is also true for allis that growing up is optionaland the most important tip or trickis laughing at yourself is therapeutic
SEX WITHOUT LOVE
Sex without love
Is a meaningless experience you know
I think you’ll agree
But as meaningless experiences go
Sex without love
Is pretty bloody marvelous though
SEX IS
Sex is the most natural
Sex is the most wonderful
Sex is the most wholesome
Sex is the most awesome
Sex is the most special
Sex is the most beautiful
That money can buy
For any girl or guy
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN
What do you call an intelligent,
Good looking and sensitive man?
The most obvious answer would be
Call him whenever you can
But this question is more to do with humour
Because this man is gay or just a rumour
KEEPING HER HAPPY
Sam and Carol are in bed
Just about to do the do
When Sam says to Carol
"I am going to make you
The happiest woman in the world." Carol replied, “I’ll miss you”
PUTTING YOUR FOOT IN IT
If you have occasion to
Put your foot in your mouth
Make sure you only put one size ten
In your north and south
Never ever should you put
Both feet in your mouth
Never put both size tens
In your north and south
Because with that act of madness done
You won't have a leg to stand on
CHERIO CHILDHOOD
When I was a kid
I was fussy about breakfast cereal
But only because
I had to have one with the collectible
Now I’m older
Choosing cereal holds less joy
As I must have one with fibre
Instead of one with a toy
IT DOESN’T MATTER
It doesn’t matter
How much I care
It doesn’t matter
How much I dare
It doesn’t matter
How much I share
It doesn’t matter
How much soul I bare
I have come to realize
No matter how I play my cards
Some people are just
Total bastards
THE BEST ONES
The people most important to you
The ones you care about and love
Are taken from you all too soon
Taken from us to heaven above
And all the people you don’t care about
Just never seem to go away
And those whom you positively hate
Seem to be permanently in the way
FUDGE
Fudge could be a metaphor
For the family
A confection which
Describes it neatly
An occasional fruit
But just sweet mostly
And assorted nuts
Completes the fudge family
THE MIGHTY OAK
The mighty oak
Is a universal symbol
A Representing of strengthboth solid and dependable
The mighty oak
That stands today
Is simply a nut
That held its ground one yesterday
MAXIMS INCOMPLETE
Women, you can’t live with them
All's well that ends
A penny saved is a penny.
Don't leave things unfinishe
What goes up
If it aint broke don’t
A bird in the hand is
Never do today
THE BLACK DOG
For years I have suffered
At the hands of depression
I’m not alone in my suffering
Many others have this affliction
Winston Churchill had a name for it
“Black dog” he named his miasm
I’ve come to think of mine
As anger without enthusiasm
IN GOD WE TRUST
Have faith
In the being from afar
Trust in God
But lock your car.
ROYAL NAMES
If the royal family
Want respect from society
And to keep their number
Free from notoriety
It might have helped
To avoid behavior that scandalizes
And also not to have named the kids
After public houses
TALKING HUSBAND
When you marry
Chose a man that you,
Love to talk to
For these conversational skills
As you get older
Will be as important as any other.
ONCE UPON A TIME
Once upon a time
One day long, long ago,
There lived a woman who you will not know
A remarkable woman
No man has ever known
Who did not whine, nag, bitch or moan
But this was a long, long ago And it was just ONE dayAnd that’s all this fairy tale has to say
HEALTH CLUB WARNING
I joined a health club last year
It cost two hundred pounds so quite dear
I haven’t lost a single pound
So as an investment not very sound
But it wasn’t their fault to be fare
Because apparently you have to go there
EXERCISE PLAN
My wife wants me to start taking exercise
But not for my own sake to be plain The only reason she wants me to exercise
Is so she can hear heavy breathing again
FEELING DOWN
I find at times life gets me down a bit
And I get depressed I must admit
I’m not the only one that is sometimes down
And I try to make a smile out of a frown
But lately my mood had been very black
And I knew I must try to get my life back
I thought the Samaritans can help if anyone can
So I called and got a call centre in Pakistan
I explained that I called them for my survivalbecause I was low and I was feeling suicidalI was surprised at their response to my blues
Because they were very excited at my news
And they proceeded to try and ascertain
If I could drive a truck or fly a plane
A GOOD EXERCISE
Exercise is a good thing
Pushing your body physically
It can take many forms
I like cycling particularly
I like golf and swimming
I like long walks, especially
When they are taken byPeople who annoy me
I ONCE WROTE A NOTE
I once wrote a note
Writ on paper, hue of oat
Not of literary note
Worth less than a groat
Full of unimportant quote
Not worthy to promote
No ego should it bloat
No means to gloat
But it got my vote
The note I wrote
I put in my coat
The coat that I tote
The one on which I dote
The one with stoat
About the throat
My favourite coat
Now held my note
But I left the coat
That housed my note
Upon a boat
“The rampant goat”
That was afloat
In a bay remote
The note, the coat,
And the boat did float
So where was my note?
Memorized by rote
In my favourite coat
With throat of stoat
Floating like a mote
On some distant boat
With no shelter of cote
The note, the coat,
On that blasted boat
Writ on paper, hue of oat
Not of literary note
Worth less than a groat
Full of unimportant quote
Not worthy to promote
No ego should it bloat
No means to gloat
But it got my vote
The note I wrote
I put in my coat
The coat that I tote
The one on which I dote
The one with stoat
About the throat
My favourite coat
Now held my note
But I left the coat
That housed my note
Upon a boat
“The rampant goat”
That was afloat
In a bay remote
The note, the coat,
And the boat did float
So where was my note?
Memorized by rote
In my favourite coat
With throat of stoat
Floating like a mote
On some distant boat
With no shelter of cote
The note, the coat,
On that blasted boat
TIMING IS EVERYTHING
We were both young me and him
And full of vigour and vim
So why was our sex life so grim?
We understood the mechanics
We enjoyed each others bits
And knew where everything fits
So why? Pray tell me, was it
When we get down to do it
Our expectation were never met
We tried every artificial aid
Roll play and other forms of charade
So a radical decision was made
We visited a doctor’s surgery
In hope to relieve our anxiety
Hooray there was nothing wrong with me
I could set my mind at rest
That when he was rummaging in my vest
I was functioning at my best
There was no problem with me, but him
Though both full of vigour and vim
He was the reason our sex life was grim
Because when we got down to jigger
And he was grappling with my figure
It quickly set off his hair trigger
His defect was certainly a pity
But I decided to dump Mr. Brevity
And found a man with sexual longevity
And full of vigour and vim
So why was our sex life so grim?
We understood the mechanics
We enjoyed each others bits
And knew where everything fits
So why? Pray tell me, was it
When we get down to do it
Our expectation were never met
We tried every artificial aid
Roll play and other forms of charade
So a radical decision was made
We visited a doctor’s surgery
In hope to relieve our anxiety
Hooray there was nothing wrong with me
I could set my mind at rest
That when he was rummaging in my vest
I was functioning at my best
There was no problem with me, but him
Though both full of vigour and vim
He was the reason our sex life was grim
Because when we got down to jigger
And he was grappling with my figure
It quickly set off his hair trigger
His defect was certainly a pity
But I decided to dump Mr. Brevity
And found a man with sexual longevity
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES YET AGAIN
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 17
A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,What makes you arrive so late
It’s no good arriving at 10 o'clock
You’re Headmaster for goodness sake
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 18
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Growing in the middle of her chest
With the sunlight on her
It looked like a comma
That punctuated her pert little breasts
(Little girl in this case refers to stature and not age, so stop composing a complaint already)
(Not really a nursery rhyme I know
So sorry to the fans of Longfellow)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 19
A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you come so soon?
Just think about cricket the next time
That we get down to it in my room
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 20
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you a star twinkling bright?
Or just another bloody satellite
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 21
Tom, Tom the pipers son
Stole a pig and away he ran,
The pig was ate and it tasted great
And so said everyone on Tom’s estate
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 22
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you the star I saw before?
Or an earth destroying meteor
A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,What makes you arrive so late
It’s no good arriving at 10 o'clock
You’re Headmaster for goodness sake
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 18
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Growing in the middle of her chest
With the sunlight on her
It looked like a comma
That punctuated her pert little breasts
(Little girl in this case refers to stature and not age, so stop composing a complaint already)
(Not really a nursery rhyme I know
So sorry to the fans of Longfellow)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 19
A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you come so soon?
Just think about cricket the next time
That we get down to it in my room
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 20
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you a star twinkling bright?
Or just another bloody satellite
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 21
Tom, Tom the pipers son
Stole a pig and away he ran,
The pig was ate and it tasted great
And so said everyone on Tom’s estate
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 22
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you the star I saw before?
Or an earth destroying meteor
LADS AND LADDETTES
Going out
Saturday nights
Looking for birds
Looking for fights
Getting ratted
Getting pissed
Getting groped
Getting kissed
Getting angry
Getting miffed
Getting slapped
Getting biffed
Getting punched
Getting kicked
Getting gobby
Getting nicked
Getting queasy
Getting sick
Sleeping it off
Down the nick
This is what
Young lads do
It’s always been
It’s nothing new
Going out
On the weekend
Looking for fun
Going with friends
Getting ratted
Getting pissed
Getting groped
Getting kissed
Getting angry
Getting miffed
Getting slapped
Getting biffed
Getting punched
Getting kicked
Getting gobby
Getting nicked
Getting queasy
Getting sick
Sleeping it off
Down the nick
This is what
The laddettes do
I guess that thatIs equality for you
Saturday nights
Looking for birds
Looking for fights
Getting ratted
Getting pissed
Getting groped
Getting kissed
Getting angry
Getting miffed
Getting slapped
Getting biffed
Getting punched
Getting kicked
Getting gobby
Getting nicked
Getting queasy
Getting sick
Sleeping it off
Down the nick
This is what
Young lads do
It’s always been
It’s nothing new
Going out
On the weekend
Looking for fun
Going with friends
Getting ratted
Getting pissed
Getting groped
Getting kissed
Getting angry
Getting miffed
Getting slapped
Getting biffed
Getting punched
Getting kicked
Getting gobby
Getting nicked
Getting queasy
Getting sick
Sleeping it off
Down the nick
This is what
The laddettes do
I guess that thatIs equality for you
ODE TO A YOUNG STUDENT
If success you will achieve
Do not ever flatter to deceive
Apply yourself with valiant effort
To gain the important good report
The way side is littered with the failed
Whose non commitment has prevailed
Don’t aim to highly but do your best
Then let your confidence do the rest
Do not ever flatter to deceive
Apply yourself with valiant effort
To gain the important good report
The way side is littered with the failed
Whose non commitment has prevailed
Don’t aim to highly but do your best
Then let your confidence do the rest
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
ASSORTED LOVE POEMS
ALPHABET OF LOVE
You are my ANGEL come to earth
The BEST thing that ever happened to me
You are my CONFIDENT, my assurance
You are my DARLING with a capital D
You are EVERYTHING in my world
Whose FRIENDSHIP is beyond measure
You are the GUARDIAN of my life
You are a HEROINE to be treasured
You are my INSPIRATION, my muse
You are JULIET to my Romeo
Your KINDNESS touches every heart
You are my LOVER in the afterglow
You are all the best MOMENTS of my life
You are the NUMBER 1 hit for me
You are my ONE and only
You are PERFECTION with a capital P
Nothing can QUELL my burning passion
You are ROMANCE made flesh
You are my SOULMATE
You are the TREASURE of any quest
You are the star in my UNIVERSE
My VALENTINE each and every day
You mean the entire WORLD to me
You are X –RATED when we play
YOU are the only one I want to be with
With you I have reached my ZENITH
IF EVER TWO SOULS
If ever two souls could become one entity
Then that pair would be you and I
And no woman would ever be more loved that you
If ever one entity were made from we two
SO I WILL GIVE YOU MY HEART
You are a vision in my eye
A veritable goddess, exquisite
Perfection, that’s what I see
When I look at you
But when you look my way
You don’t really see me
It’s as if I am invisible
You look right through me
You don’t even see my beating heart
So full of love for you
More with every passing day
But I cannot make you see me
So I will give you my heart,
I can give nothing more
Being invisible and insubstantial
Here it is, take my heart
Guard it and keep it secure
Until that moment when
You feel the same as I
And the heart I gave to you
Becomes more precious than a gem
That instant when your heart
Takes you unawares
And I am no longer invisible
That moment you crave to be with me
And will be content
To be my only love
LOVES METAPHOR
Not even the angels above
Could make a better match
So please be with me
And I will make you happy
Such is the depth of my lasting love
Intense and profound
Deeper than the deepest ocean
Enduring till that watery abyss
Dries to sun baked desert
And its powdery form runs
Through your fingers
And loves metaphor is blown away
Like smoke on the wind
I WILL BE AS THE GRANITE ROCK
I will be as the granite rock
In your times of sorrow
I will be the joy in all your yesterdays
And again in your tomorrows
I will love you forever
Until the poets run out of rhyme
Or the sun no longer shines
I will love you till the end of time
I AM NO SUPERMAN
I am no superman
No man of steel,
I am not super human
Not endowed with special powers
I have no heart of stone
Nor feet of clay
I am human
Prick my finger, see me bleed
I am no angel
Nor am I devil
I am not inhuman
Not devoid of emotion
I am just a man
Ordinary, average
Unremarkable
With hopes and dreams
Plans and aspirations
And a heart to give
When I meet her
WHETHER OR WHEN
Whether plain and frumpy
Or even cross and grumpy
Whether fat or skinny
In a long dress or a mini
Whether sober or tipsy
From New York or Poughkeepsie
On green grass or on clover
Perhaps on a train from Dover
Who, where, how is a way to begin
But what I want to know is when
When is the burning question
That’s affecting my digestion
When will I discover
Who will be my lover?
VALENTINE QUESTION
Roses are red, violets are blue
Do I have to buy flowers for you
Violets are blue, Roses are red
Ok I understand if I don’t I’m dead
INCONSEQUENTIAL?
Maybe to the world at large
You are just one person
Small, inconsequential
But if you think that you’re wrong
The truth I want to tell you
On a banner boldly unfurled
To this one lucky person
You are the entire world
You are my ANGEL come to earth
The BEST thing that ever happened to me
You are my CONFIDENT, my assurance
You are my DARLING with a capital D
You are EVERYTHING in my world
Whose FRIENDSHIP is beyond measure
You are the GUARDIAN of my life
You are a HEROINE to be treasured
You are my INSPIRATION, my muse
You are JULIET to my Romeo
Your KINDNESS touches every heart
You are my LOVER in the afterglow
You are all the best MOMENTS of my life
You are the NUMBER 1 hit for me
You are my ONE and only
You are PERFECTION with a capital P
Nothing can QUELL my burning passion
You are ROMANCE made flesh
You are my SOULMATE
You are the TREASURE of any quest
You are the star in my UNIVERSE
My VALENTINE each and every day
You mean the entire WORLD to me
You are X –RATED when we play
YOU are the only one I want to be with
With you I have reached my ZENITH
IF EVER TWO SOULS
If ever two souls could become one entity
Then that pair would be you and I
And no woman would ever be more loved that you
If ever one entity were made from we two
SO I WILL GIVE YOU MY HEART
You are a vision in my eye
A veritable goddess, exquisite
Perfection, that’s what I see
When I look at you
But when you look my way
You don’t really see me
It’s as if I am invisible
You look right through me
You don’t even see my beating heart
So full of love for you
More with every passing day
But I cannot make you see me
So I will give you my heart,
I can give nothing more
Being invisible and insubstantial
Here it is, take my heart
Guard it and keep it secure
Until that moment when
You feel the same as I
And the heart I gave to you
Becomes more precious than a gem
That instant when your heart
Takes you unawares
And I am no longer invisible
That moment you crave to be with me
And will be content
To be my only love
LOVES METAPHOR
Not even the angels above
Could make a better match
So please be with me
And I will make you happy
Such is the depth of my lasting love
Intense and profound
Deeper than the deepest ocean
Enduring till that watery abyss
Dries to sun baked desert
And its powdery form runs
Through your fingers
And loves metaphor is blown away
Like smoke on the wind
I WILL BE AS THE GRANITE ROCK
I will be as the granite rock
In your times of sorrow
I will be the joy in all your yesterdays
And again in your tomorrows
I will love you forever
Until the poets run out of rhyme
Or the sun no longer shines
I will love you till the end of time
I AM NO SUPERMAN
I am no superman
No man of steel,
I am not super human
Not endowed with special powers
I have no heart of stone
Nor feet of clay
I am human
Prick my finger, see me bleed
I am no angel
Nor am I devil
I am not inhuman
Not devoid of emotion
I am just a man
Ordinary, average
Unremarkable
With hopes and dreams
Plans and aspirations
And a heart to give
When I meet her
WHETHER OR WHEN
Whether plain and frumpy
Or even cross and grumpy
Whether fat or skinny
In a long dress or a mini
Whether sober or tipsy
From New York or Poughkeepsie
On green grass or on clover
Perhaps on a train from Dover
Who, where, how is a way to begin
But what I want to know is when
When is the burning question
That’s affecting my digestion
When will I discover
Who will be my lover?
VALENTINE QUESTION
Roses are red, violets are blue
Do I have to buy flowers for you
Violets are blue, Roses are red
Ok I understand if I don’t I’m dead
INCONSEQUENTIAL?
Maybe to the world at large
You are just one person
Small, inconsequential
But if you think that you’re wrong
The truth I want to tell you
On a banner boldly unfurled
To this one lucky person
You are the entire world
A Little Bit More Humour
SHARING
We shared an umbrella when we first met
When caught in an April shower
We shared our first kiss
One night in the wee small hours
We shared a passionate embrace
And made love in culmination
Then we shared a secret
After we caught an unpleasant infection
THE IT GIRL
I had a first date with a girl
From the I.T. suite
Who for a computer nerd
Is really very sweet
It was a disaster
Not quite but almost complete
I wish that I could have hit
Ctrl Alt Delete
COMFORT EATER
Through a total lack of self esteem
I eat too much to ease my despair
And food has now replaced sex for me
So I can't even get into my own underwear
PAM AND SUE (sisters rewrite)
I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
Strange like the sisters
That once I knew
Two sisters known
As Pam and Sue
Now Pam was the oldest
As a matter of fact
And she had blonde hair
Right down her back
That sounds all right
You would have said
But it grew down her back
And not on her head
Now Sue was the younger
It has to be said
And she wasn’t blonde
She was a red head
And when I saw her
I was filled with dread
She had no hair
Just a very red head
I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
But none since the sisters
That once I knew
Who went by the names
Of Pam and Sue
THE MARITAL PROCESS
I think that marriage
Is not as the bible may suggest
For adults to produce children
Through marital congress
But rather the opposite is true
If I might hazard my guess
It is for children to produce adults
At the end of the marital process
CUPID FIRED
I’ve waited for my valentine
For such a long lonely time
I have waited for years
For him to end all my tears
I’ve waited for cupid to start
And shoot his arrow at a heart
The piercing of my valentine
That would then make him mine
And I hoped and I prayed
For a valentines loving serenade
But I never ever got one
So I shot cupid with a gun
You may think my actions hard
But he did nothing in my regard
And when apology remained unsaid
I shot cupid in the head
LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS
Love is like a bad winter cold
It strikes at the young and the old
It’s not something for which they can inoculate
There is no cure for those who participate
So even if you feel like you have the flu
Love is just something you must go through
BLOCKED VALVE
I have some information to impart
Why it is that men snore
When they lie on their backs
Is the time they do it more
It’s a simple case of physics
Because their dangly bits of genitalia
Hang down to block their anal orifice
Which in turn causes apnea
DIPPED OUT
In the dim and distant past
When I was young and free
Going about running and skipping
And we’d all go “skinny dipping”
Now the years have rushed past
And have taken there toll
I hobble, shuffling and clunking
And in the pool I go “chunky dunking”
SPREADAGE
There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Determine in anyway successfully
Beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread
To be buttered or spread
HAPPY BIRTHDAY’S
Another birthday has arrived
Happy birthday we all shout
The cake is a mass of candles
A milestone year without doubt
Just be sure you wish for strength
To blow all the candles out
WEDDING SUPER
Well congratulations are in order
Two super heroes have tied the knot
The Invisible Man has just got married
To the Invisible Woman and why not
But I would offer to the happy couple
This note of caution, I would suggest
They avoid at all costs having a brat
Because it will be nothing to look at
BACHELOR BOY
A bachelor is so defined
As a man who doesn’t marry
When he is perfectly able
And as a result bachelorhood
They miss the perfect opportunity
To make a woman’s life miserable
MEN ARE ALL THE SAME
Men are all the same
Let’s say that from the start
They have different faces
But only to tell them apart
like distinguishing marks
And another alarming fact
Is, all men are created equal
How sad is that?
WOW FACTOR
When looking for a partner
Be a little smart
And pay attention to this wisdom
I wish to impart
Good looks will catch their eye
Which is a good start
But it takes a good personality
To catch their heart
HONEYMOON ADVICE
On your wedding night
And you are nervous
And full of trepidations
Don’t sit up all night
Awaiting the arrival
Of your sexual relations
SUCCESSFUL
A successful man is one who makes
More money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can
Find such a husband to apprehend
THE PARADOX OF MARRIAGE
When a woman decides
To play the marriage game
She expects her spouse to change
But alas he stays the same
When a man decides
To play the marriage game
His spouse in fact changes
When he expects her to stay the same
DRINK TO MY HEALTH
I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”
SLEEPING BEAUTIES
Men wake up looking pretty much as they did
The night before when they went to bed
While women wake up looking an awful fright
Because they manage to deteriorated during the night
WHAT'S LONG AND HARD
What's long and hard and makes women moan?
I think that is universally known
Let us all shout out the answer in accord
The answer has to be an ironing board
ACUMEN AND WOMEN
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item
But only when it’s something he needs
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item
Because it’s on sale and not out of need
ARGUMENTATIVE
The unwritten law states that a woman
Has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man may say after that
Is the beginning of a new argument
FUTURE
Until she gets a husband
A woman worries about her future life
But a man never worries about the future
Until he gets a wife
KISS OF DEATH
A man who, for twenty years
Hasn’t kissed his wife
Seeing another kiss her
Is moved to take that mans life
A WORD OF WARNING
A word of warning, a word to the wise
Don’t be one of that ilk of women
Who get all exited about nothing
Because you’ll end up marrying them
I FORGET TO EAT
There was a rather vacuous
Skinny girl who irritated me
“Sometimes I forget to eat”
The silly girl said to me
Now I’ve forgotten things
Where I parked the car
My mother's maiden name
Keys for the house and the car
And once even where I lived
But I’ve never forgotten to eat
I’ve been too busy or too tired
But not so stupid I forgot to eat
SIGNS OF STRESS
Do you eat too much?
Is the answer yes?
Are you impulse buyer?
Is that another yes?
And are you a fast driver too?
These are all signs of stress
Now if you’re not worried
Then you’re not suffering from stress
Eating, shopping and fast driving
Make a perfect day for you I guess
OUT LIKE A LIGHT
I can remember like yesterday
So fearful of the dark night
My boy wouldn’t sleep a wink
Without the comfort of a light
Now he’s a teenage boy
He’s fearless and stays out all night
MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS
Money can't buy happiness
That is almost definitely so
But it’s more comfortable to cry
In a mansion than a bungalow
SENIOR JOINTS
If after the age of sixty years
I think this is safely said
And you don't wake up aching in every joint
You are almost certainly dead
USE AS DIRECTED
If you should confuse your valium
With your birth control pills, beware
You’ll end up with sixteen kids
But I don’t suppose you’ll care
SENIOR HIGH
I haven’t felt myself lately
The symptoms seldom vary
Lethargy, listlessness and apathy
And if I stand up quick, I go dizzy
My son said as a matter of fact
He has to smoke two joints to feel like that
MONEY CAN’T BUY EVERYTHING
Money can’t buy happiness
Money can’t buy health
Money can’t buy love
There’s more to life than wealth
Money will buy you a dog
A fine dog without fail
But only with your kindness
Will the dog wag his tail
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
One in five bad accidents
Are caused it seems
By drivers who drift off
To the land of dreams
But drivers who fall
Asleep at the wheel
Are the lesser evil
I’m inclined to feel
Because the simple fact
That makes me quake
Is that four out of five
Are wide awake
MISTAKES
Don’t be afraid of making mistakes
I was taught as a kid
As long as you learn something
From the things you did
I have learnt a lot about mistakes
And now I’m in my prime
I find some mistakes are too much fun
To only make one time
We shared an umbrella when we first met
When caught in an April shower
We shared our first kiss
One night in the wee small hours
We shared a passionate embrace
And made love in culmination
Then we shared a secret
After we caught an unpleasant infection
THE IT GIRL
I had a first date with a girl
From the I.T. suite
Who for a computer nerd
Is really very sweet
It was a disaster
Not quite but almost complete
I wish that I could have hit
Ctrl Alt Delete
COMFORT EATER
Through a total lack of self esteem
I eat too much to ease my despair
And food has now replaced sex for me
So I can't even get into my own underwear
PAM AND SUE (sisters rewrite)
I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
Strange like the sisters
That once I knew
Two sisters known
As Pam and Sue
Now Pam was the oldest
As a matter of fact
And she had blonde hair
Right down her back
That sounds all right
You would have said
But it grew down her back
And not on her head
Now Sue was the younger
It has to be said
And she wasn’t blonde
She was a red head
And when I saw her
I was filled with dread
She had no hair
Just a very red head
I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
But none since the sisters
That once I knew
Who went by the names
Of Pam and Sue
THE MARITAL PROCESS
I think that marriage
Is not as the bible may suggest
For adults to produce children
Through marital congress
But rather the opposite is true
If I might hazard my guess
It is for children to produce adults
At the end of the marital process
CUPID FIRED
I’ve waited for my valentine
For such a long lonely time
I have waited for years
For him to end all my tears
I’ve waited for cupid to start
And shoot his arrow at a heart
The piercing of my valentine
That would then make him mine
And I hoped and I prayed
For a valentines loving serenade
But I never ever got one
So I shot cupid with a gun
You may think my actions hard
But he did nothing in my regard
And when apology remained unsaid
I shot cupid in the head
LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS
Love is like a bad winter cold
It strikes at the young and the old
It’s not something for which they can inoculate
There is no cure for those who participate
So even if you feel like you have the flu
Love is just something you must go through
BLOCKED VALVE
I have some information to impart
Why it is that men snore
When they lie on their backs
Is the time they do it more
It’s a simple case of physics
Because their dangly bits of genitalia
Hang down to block their anal orifice
Which in turn causes apnea
DIPPED OUT
In the dim and distant past
When I was young and free
Going about running and skipping
And we’d all go “skinny dipping”
Now the years have rushed past
And have taken there toll
I hobble, shuffling and clunking
And in the pool I go “chunky dunking”
SPREADAGE
There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Determine in anyway successfully
Beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread
To be buttered or spread
HAPPY BIRTHDAY’S
Another birthday has arrived
Happy birthday we all shout
The cake is a mass of candles
A milestone year without doubt
Just be sure you wish for strength
To blow all the candles out
WEDDING SUPER
Well congratulations are in order
Two super heroes have tied the knot
The Invisible Man has just got married
To the Invisible Woman and why not
But I would offer to the happy couple
This note of caution, I would suggest
They avoid at all costs having a brat
Because it will be nothing to look at
BACHELOR BOY
A bachelor is so defined
As a man who doesn’t marry
When he is perfectly able
And as a result bachelorhood
They miss the perfect opportunity
To make a woman’s life miserable
MEN ARE ALL THE SAME
Men are all the same
Let’s say that from the start
They have different faces
But only to tell them apart
like distinguishing marks
And another alarming fact
Is, all men are created equal
How sad is that?
WOW FACTOR
When looking for a partner
Be a little smart
And pay attention to this wisdom
I wish to impart
Good looks will catch their eye
Which is a good start
But it takes a good personality
To catch their heart
HONEYMOON ADVICE
On your wedding night
And you are nervous
And full of trepidations
Don’t sit up all night
Awaiting the arrival
Of your sexual relations
SUCCESSFUL
A successful man is one who makes
More money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can
Find such a husband to apprehend
THE PARADOX OF MARRIAGE
When a woman decides
To play the marriage game
She expects her spouse to change
But alas he stays the same
When a man decides
To play the marriage game
His spouse in fact changes
When he expects her to stay the same
DRINK TO MY HEALTH
I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”
SLEEPING BEAUTIES
Men wake up looking pretty much as they did
The night before when they went to bed
While women wake up looking an awful fright
Because they manage to deteriorated during the night
WHAT'S LONG AND HARD
What's long and hard and makes women moan?
I think that is universally known
Let us all shout out the answer in accord
The answer has to be an ironing board
ACUMEN AND WOMEN
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item
But only when it’s something he needs
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item
Because it’s on sale and not out of need
ARGUMENTATIVE
The unwritten law states that a woman
Has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man may say after that
Is the beginning of a new argument
FUTURE
Until she gets a husband
A woman worries about her future life
But a man never worries about the future
Until he gets a wife
KISS OF DEATH
A man who, for twenty years
Hasn’t kissed his wife
Seeing another kiss her
Is moved to take that mans life
A WORD OF WARNING
A word of warning, a word to the wise
Don’t be one of that ilk of women
Who get all exited about nothing
Because you’ll end up marrying them
I FORGET TO EAT
There was a rather vacuous
Skinny girl who irritated me
“Sometimes I forget to eat”
The silly girl said to me
Now I’ve forgotten things
Where I parked the car
My mother's maiden name
Keys for the house and the car
And once even where I lived
But I’ve never forgotten to eat
I’ve been too busy or too tired
But not so stupid I forgot to eat
SIGNS OF STRESS
Do you eat too much?
Is the answer yes?
Are you impulse buyer?
Is that another yes?
And are you a fast driver too?
These are all signs of stress
Now if you’re not worried
Then you’re not suffering from stress
Eating, shopping and fast driving
Make a perfect day for you I guess
OUT LIKE A LIGHT
I can remember like yesterday
So fearful of the dark night
My boy wouldn’t sleep a wink
Without the comfort of a light
Now he’s a teenage boy
He’s fearless and stays out all night
MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS
Money can't buy happiness
That is almost definitely so
But it’s more comfortable to cry
In a mansion than a bungalow
SENIOR JOINTS
If after the age of sixty years
I think this is safely said
And you don't wake up aching in every joint
You are almost certainly dead
USE AS DIRECTED
If you should confuse your valium
With your birth control pills, beware
You’ll end up with sixteen kids
But I don’t suppose you’ll care
SENIOR HIGH
I haven’t felt myself lately
The symptoms seldom vary
Lethargy, listlessness and apathy
And if I stand up quick, I go dizzy
My son said as a matter of fact
He has to smoke two joints to feel like that
MONEY CAN’T BUY EVERYTHING
Money can’t buy happiness
Money can’t buy health
Money can’t buy love
There’s more to life than wealth
Money will buy you a dog
A fine dog without fail
But only with your kindness
Will the dog wag his tail
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
One in five bad accidents
Are caused it seems
By drivers who drift off
To the land of dreams
But drivers who fall
Asleep at the wheel
Are the lesser evil
I’m inclined to feel
Because the simple fact
That makes me quake
Is that four out of five
Are wide awake
MISTAKES
Don’t be afraid of making mistakes
I was taught as a kid
As long as you learn something
From the things you did
I have learnt a lot about mistakes
And now I’m in my prime
I find some mistakes are too much fun
To only make one time
FROM LENT TILL EASTER
MY COOKIE LAMENT
Oh what a pleasure they represent
Such sinful pleasure I’ll not repent
Whether foreign fare of strange accent
Or posh ones made for lady and gent
Or those down the bargain basement
Even with broken ones I am content
But I must cease those moments spent
Devouring the cookies heaven sent
And sing loud my sad cookie lament
Of a man left alone in his torment
For as the treat that they represent
I have given cookies up for lent
GETHSEMANE
In that favoured retreat
Of Gethsemane’s garden
Did the Prince of peace
In his agonies
Sweat blood upon
That fertile ground
Forsaken by his father
Doubting his destiny
And how wretchedly betrayed
By that simple Judas kiss
ON A HILL IN CALVARY
On a hill in Calvary
In a savage unenlightened time
Nailed upon a rugged cross
By brutal hand
They thought to kill a man
To snuff out his light
That light of purest love
Unquenchable, indestructible
On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
The shadow of that cross
Cast upon the bloody land
Was an illuminating shadow
That spread light and love
Shining across millennia
Unquenchable, indestructible
On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
In that savage unenlightened time
Murdered by brutal hand
Humiliated, dehumanised
But through his love for us
And his sacrifice for us
He redeemed us
Oh what a pleasure they represent
Such sinful pleasure I’ll not repent
Whether foreign fare of strange accent
Or posh ones made for lady and gent
Or those down the bargain basement
Even with broken ones I am content
But I must cease those moments spent
Devouring the cookies heaven sent
And sing loud my sad cookie lament
Of a man left alone in his torment
For as the treat that they represent
I have given cookies up for lent
GETHSEMANE
In that favoured retreat
Of Gethsemane’s garden
Did the Prince of peace
In his agonies
Sweat blood upon
That fertile ground
Forsaken by his father
Doubting his destiny
And how wretchedly betrayed
By that simple Judas kiss
ON A HILL IN CALVARY
On a hill in Calvary
In a savage unenlightened time
Nailed upon a rugged cross
By brutal hand
They thought to kill a man
To snuff out his light
That light of purest love
Unquenchable, indestructible
On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
The shadow of that cross
Cast upon the bloody land
Was an illuminating shadow
That spread light and love
Shining across millennia
Unquenchable, indestructible
On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
In that savage unenlightened time
Murdered by brutal hand
Humiliated, dehumanised
But through his love for us
And his sacrifice for us
He redeemed us
MR GLISTEN COMES TO TOWN
The snow has come its falling fast
Its time to dance about and cheer
Soon it will be time to build a snowman
I build the same one every year
When the snow is lying deep and fresh
I go to the cupboard in my room
Where I get his hat, gloves and scarf
And of course his birchwood broom
Mum says “don’t you stay out long”
But she knows that I don’t listen
She knows that it takes some time
To build the perfect Mr Glisten
I always start in the same place
And make the body large and round
For his head I roll a smaller ball
Rolling it on the snowy ground
Soon he stands up taller than me
Rising up from the fallen snow
Each year it takes a little longer
As like me each year he grows
Down his front go pebble buttons
From his neck down to the floor
His stick arms wear his gloves
Which don’t really fit him anymore
Then I put on his scarf and hat
His birch broom stands by his side
Marbles to make his eyes shine
And a stick mouth smiling wide
Last the carrot nose goes in place
And I step back and a moment spend
Gazing at the happy snowman face
Then I say “Hello my old friend”
Its time to dance about and cheer
Soon it will be time to build a snowman
I build the same one every year
When the snow is lying deep and fresh
I go to the cupboard in my room
Where I get his hat, gloves and scarf
And of course his birchwood broom
Mum says “don’t you stay out long”
But she knows that I don’t listen
She knows that it takes some time
To build the perfect Mr Glisten
I always start in the same place
And make the body large and round
For his head I roll a smaller ball
Rolling it on the snowy ground
Soon he stands up taller than me
Rising up from the fallen snow
Each year it takes a little longer
As like me each year he grows
Down his front go pebble buttons
From his neck down to the floor
His stick arms wear his gloves
Which don’t really fit him anymore
Then I put on his scarf and hat
His birch broom stands by his side
Marbles to make his eyes shine
And a stick mouth smiling wide
Last the carrot nose goes in place
And I step back and a moment spend
Gazing at the happy snowman face
Then I say “Hello my old friend”
DECEMBER RESPITE
It was a cold and gray December day
With a biting wind that took your breath away
My errands run I headed towards the pub
Where I took refuge in the saloon bar
I made myself comfortable beside the fire
And prepared to get on the outside of a large brandy
My eyes were drawn to the centre of the room
Where sat a striking strawberry blonde
She was sitting with her legs crossed
A pen in one hand a drink in the other
She was concentrating on something
A crossword clue or perhaps a Sudoku
And her bottom lip pursed slightly downward
Almost like a wilting pink rose petal
Then her eye kind of crinkled up
That combined with a slight inclination of her head
Gave me the impression she was confused
I assumed over what she was studying
Then I noticed a flash of golden light in her hair
As if her strawberry curls had ignited
But a shaft of sunlight had burst through the grey December skies
And I realised the sun had made her squint
This in turn screwed up her nose
Then caused her to sneeze
And she sneezed quite indelicately
Then again and again
This fit of sneezing had an added interest to me
As apart from the obvious effects
The shaft of sunlight had rendered her blouse transparent
And each sneeze caused her breasts to rearrange themselves
Within her non existent blouse
And her sneezing fit had taken on a more sensual quality
But alas all too soon the sneezing stopped
But I’m pleased to say her breathing had not
And I watched with fascination
As with each subsequent breath she took
Her breasts reshaped themselves inside her bra
She was blissfully unaware that her blouse was now translucent
And that each adjustment she made to her straps
Served only to more sharply define her assets
But all good things must come to an end
And thanks to a thoughtless cloud
The sunlight was snuffed out
It had been a most pleasant respite
Studying her most wondrous topography
It’s amazing how the little things in life
Can brighten up the dullest of winter days
It may have been an un-gentlemanly thing to do
Ungallant I suppose not to have averted my gaze
But she only had herself to blame
On a cold and gray December day
She should have been wearing a vest
With a biting wind that took your breath away
My errands run I headed towards the pub
Where I took refuge in the saloon bar
I made myself comfortable beside the fire
And prepared to get on the outside of a large brandy
My eyes were drawn to the centre of the room
Where sat a striking strawberry blonde
She was sitting with her legs crossed
A pen in one hand a drink in the other
She was concentrating on something
A crossword clue or perhaps a Sudoku
And her bottom lip pursed slightly downward
Almost like a wilting pink rose petal
Then her eye kind of crinkled up
That combined with a slight inclination of her head
Gave me the impression she was confused
I assumed over what she was studying
Then I noticed a flash of golden light in her hair
As if her strawberry curls had ignited
But a shaft of sunlight had burst through the grey December skies
And I realised the sun had made her squint
This in turn screwed up her nose
Then caused her to sneeze
And she sneezed quite indelicately
Then again and again
This fit of sneezing had an added interest to me
As apart from the obvious effects
The shaft of sunlight had rendered her blouse transparent
And each sneeze caused her breasts to rearrange themselves
Within her non existent blouse
And her sneezing fit had taken on a more sensual quality
But alas all too soon the sneezing stopped
But I’m pleased to say her breathing had not
And I watched with fascination
As with each subsequent breath she took
Her breasts reshaped themselves inside her bra
She was blissfully unaware that her blouse was now translucent
And that each adjustment she made to her straps
Served only to more sharply define her assets
But all good things must come to an end
And thanks to a thoughtless cloud
The sunlight was snuffed out
It had been a most pleasant respite
Studying her most wondrous topography
It’s amazing how the little things in life
Can brighten up the dullest of winter days
It may have been an un-gentlemanly thing to do
Ungallant I suppose not to have averted my gaze
But she only had herself to blame
On a cold and gray December day
She should have been wearing a vest
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES, AGAIN
# 12
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To spend some time with each other
Jack failed to rise
Jill raised her eyes
Then went off to find his big brother
# 13
Christmas is coming, the Geese are getting fat
The bird is a little fatty but I don’t mind that
If you haven’t got a Goose then a Turkey will do
If you haven’t got a Turkey, I’m not dining with you
# 14
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
They took with them a bucket
Jack made a play
Jill said “no way”
So he said to himself “oh bother”
# 15
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some snogging.
But on the way
They met Ray
And spent the afternoon dogging
# 16
Jack asked Jill
Are you on the pill?
As I have no form of protection
Jill looked grim
Then said to him
Where he could stick his erection
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To spend some time with each other
Jack failed to rise
Jill raised her eyes
Then went off to find his big brother
# 13
Christmas is coming, the Geese are getting fat
The bird is a little fatty but I don’t mind that
If you haven’t got a Goose then a Turkey will do
If you haven’t got a Turkey, I’m not dining with you
# 14
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
They took with them a bucket
Jack made a play
Jill said “no way”
So he said to himself “oh bother”
# 15
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some snogging.
But on the way
They met Ray
And spent the afternoon dogging
# 16
Jack asked Jill
Are you on the pill?
As I have no form of protection
Jill looked grim
Then said to him
Where he could stick his erection
SHE CAME IN THE NIGHT
It was in the early spring
When nature causes sap to rise
Before the dawn in the early hours
When from the shadows she emerged
With an ethereal quality
She moved slowly in the half light
Of the flickering candlelight
Revealing her form in snapshots
Naked but for the flimsiest garb
Something filmy, delicate and sheer,
Which hung from her sylphish form
Like a fine cloak of gossamer
A delicate silken web covered with dew
As she came closer her scent assailed my senses
Initially it cloyed in my throat, sickly sweet
Then intoxicated me like strong wine
Then she stood before me
Wearing the light gauzy fabric
Diaphanous and insubstantial
Which rendered her naked to my eyes
And I gazed into the hypnotic green of hers
The spell was broken by her sweet breath
Which plumed between us in the cold air
In rhythm to the heaving of her chest
Her breasts crowned by her arousal
My eyes moved from the erect sentinels
To the sable triangle below her soft belly
Then returned to be once again entranced
By the sultry green eyes of the seductress
In a silken movement she discarded the flimsy garment
And moved closer, only millimeters away
So close I could feel the beating of her heart
And with every breath she took
Her nipples gently brushed against my skin
Then I felt her hands on my skin
And electricity seemed to move between us
Her touch, soft and delicate on my skin
And as they moved across my body
It felt as though I was being wrapped in silk
Her lips pressed gently against my skin
As she kissed my chest, my neck, my throat
Then up to my cheek and finally my lips
Where she moistly kissed my mouth
Then without warning she became animal and urgent
As she pushed me onto the bed
Her nails dug deep into my flesh
And her mouth pressed hard against mine
Her tongue was darting into my mouth like a piston
Her hands sought me out and found me hard and pulsing
She tugged at my hardness, then enveloped me
Immersing me in her, coating me in warm honey
Her muscles were tight about me
As all at once she was rising and falling on me
Her mouth left mine and her tongue explored my ear
And her sharp teeth chewed at my lobe
Deep rasping breaths turned into loud animal moans
As her exertions became more urgent
Her mouth returned to mine as her passions grew
And when the first orgasm rippled through her
Her kisses turned to bites and she bit my lip
Then she began to lose control and she lost the rhythm
I gripped tight on her hips and imposed my beat
Her moans had turned to wails
And she whipped me with her hair
As she cast her head back and fourth with each stroke
Then that moment arrived
When we both stood upon the edge,
Of that most delicious precipice
Between the bestial coupling, primeval and base
And that joyful release of climax
I exploded inside her with an involuntary grunt
And she let out a banshee wail
All of a sudden I was wide awake
Laying alone, my skin moist with sweat
The bed in total disarray
I was breathing hard and
I imagined I could still smell her scent
And as I moistened my lips
I detected something odd
The metallic taste of blood on my tongue
When nature causes sap to rise
Before the dawn in the early hours
When from the shadows she emerged
With an ethereal quality
She moved slowly in the half light
Of the flickering candlelight
Revealing her form in snapshots
Naked but for the flimsiest garb
Something filmy, delicate and sheer,
Which hung from her sylphish form
Like a fine cloak of gossamer
A delicate silken web covered with dew
As she came closer her scent assailed my senses
Initially it cloyed in my throat, sickly sweet
Then intoxicated me like strong wine
Then she stood before me
Wearing the light gauzy fabric
Diaphanous and insubstantial
Which rendered her naked to my eyes
And I gazed into the hypnotic green of hers
The spell was broken by her sweet breath
Which plumed between us in the cold air
In rhythm to the heaving of her chest
Her breasts crowned by her arousal
My eyes moved from the erect sentinels
To the sable triangle below her soft belly
Then returned to be once again entranced
By the sultry green eyes of the seductress
In a silken movement she discarded the flimsy garment
And moved closer, only millimeters away
So close I could feel the beating of her heart
And with every breath she took
Her nipples gently brushed against my skin
Then I felt her hands on my skin
And electricity seemed to move between us
Her touch, soft and delicate on my skin
And as they moved across my body
It felt as though I was being wrapped in silk
Her lips pressed gently against my skin
As she kissed my chest, my neck, my throat
Then up to my cheek and finally my lips
Where she moistly kissed my mouth
Then without warning she became animal and urgent
As she pushed me onto the bed
Her nails dug deep into my flesh
And her mouth pressed hard against mine
Her tongue was darting into my mouth like a piston
Her hands sought me out and found me hard and pulsing
She tugged at my hardness, then enveloped me
Immersing me in her, coating me in warm honey
Her muscles were tight about me
As all at once she was rising and falling on me
Her mouth left mine and her tongue explored my ear
And her sharp teeth chewed at my lobe
Deep rasping breaths turned into loud animal moans
As her exertions became more urgent
Her mouth returned to mine as her passions grew
And when the first orgasm rippled through her
Her kisses turned to bites and she bit my lip
Then she began to lose control and she lost the rhythm
I gripped tight on her hips and imposed my beat
Her moans had turned to wails
And she whipped me with her hair
As she cast her head back and fourth with each stroke
Then that moment arrived
When we both stood upon the edge,
Of that most delicious precipice
Between the bestial coupling, primeval and base
And that joyful release of climax
I exploded inside her with an involuntary grunt
And she let out a banshee wail
All of a sudden I was wide awake
Laying alone, my skin moist with sweat
The bed in total disarray
I was breathing hard and
I imagined I could still smell her scent
And as I moistened my lips
I detected something odd
The metallic taste of blood on my tongue
Monday, 23 February 2009
A Little bit Of Humour
IT’S THE DOGS…. ONCE AGAIN
George loved his wife Elsie dearly
They’d been married 40 years nearly
George loved her from the very first look
But sadly Elsie was a desperate cook
To her great credit it didn’t deter her
From preparing a variety of fare
One day she served something cordon bleu
Which caused George to sit and stare
It was truly awful even just to look at
Some burnt, some raw and swimming in fat
Reluctantly he took a taste of the presentation
And gave it to his dog without hesitation
Then immediately after eating some
The dog started licking at his bum
“Why is he doing that?" she said in disgust
As the dog did what all dogs must
George replied quite straight faced
“He’s trying to get rid of the taste”
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – ANSWERING THE CALL
In class one day a boy named Benny
Needed to go to the toilet suddenly
So he called out loudly to Miss
“Please I really need to take a piss”
The teacher said “No you must wait”
“The correct word to use is urinate”
If you use “urinate” in a sentence correctly
I will allow you to go to the lavatory
And so thought the boy called Benny
Desperate now to spend a penny
"You're an eight miss” says young Ben
“But if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – A QUESTION OF SYLLABLES
“Ok class, today we will learn
About words with multi syllables”
The teacher addressed her class
“Does anyone have an example?”
One boy put up his hand
“Please miss I have an example”
He wrote on the blackboard “Mas-tur-bate”
Then said “that is my example”
The teacher was a little embarrassed
"Gosh that’s a mouthful."
"No, Miss, you're thinking of a blowjob
And that has fewer syllables”
NEW RESOLVE
My New Year resolution
Was to find a solution
To my misshapen figure
And lack of vim and vigour
Though feeling rather grim
I signed up for the gym
First came the orientation
And equipment demonstration
I was told of suitable clothes
Something loose that flows
I said “the reason or the point
Of me being in this joint
And why I signed up tonight
Is all my clothes are tight”
George loved his wife Elsie dearly
They’d been married 40 years nearly
George loved her from the very first look
But sadly Elsie was a desperate cook
To her great credit it didn’t deter her
From preparing a variety of fare
One day she served something cordon bleu
Which caused George to sit and stare
It was truly awful even just to look at
Some burnt, some raw and swimming in fat
Reluctantly he took a taste of the presentation
And gave it to his dog without hesitation
Then immediately after eating some
The dog started licking at his bum
“Why is he doing that?" she said in disgust
As the dog did what all dogs must
George replied quite straight faced
“He’s trying to get rid of the taste”
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – ANSWERING THE CALL
In class one day a boy named Benny
Needed to go to the toilet suddenly
So he called out loudly to Miss
“Please I really need to take a piss”
The teacher said “No you must wait”
“The correct word to use is urinate”
If you use “urinate” in a sentence correctly
I will allow you to go to the lavatory
And so thought the boy called Benny
Desperate now to spend a penny
"You're an eight miss” says young Ben
“But if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – A QUESTION OF SYLLABLES
“Ok class, today we will learn
About words with multi syllables”
The teacher addressed her class
“Does anyone have an example?”
One boy put up his hand
“Please miss I have an example”
He wrote on the blackboard “Mas-tur-bate”
Then said “that is my example”
The teacher was a little embarrassed
"Gosh that’s a mouthful."
"No, Miss, you're thinking of a blowjob
And that has fewer syllables”
NEW RESOLVE
My New Year resolution
Was to find a solution
To my misshapen figure
And lack of vim and vigour
Though feeling rather grim
I signed up for the gym
First came the orientation
And equipment demonstration
I was told of suitable clothes
Something loose that flows
I said “the reason or the point
Of me being in this joint
And why I signed up tonight
Is all my clothes are tight”
More Love Poems
WHERE DO I BEGIN TO SAY?
Where do I begin to say?
Exactly what you mean to me
It would surely end my world
If you were to set me free
Where do I begin to say?
How happy it would make me
If I could find the perfect words
To express my feelings with clarity
When we are separated
I feel half a person, empty and incomplete
But when we are together
I am whole and I am replete
Where do I begin to say?
How blessed I am to have you in my life
As my lover, and best friend
My partner and my wife
KIWI GIRL
She was a tiny little thing
Barely five foot, Pint size
But larger than life
With huge grey eyes
Her first words were
I’m not an Aussie
I’m from New Zealand
And I’m a Kiwi
Christened Katherine
She preferred Kitty
At first glance
I thought she was pretty
Perhaps not beautiful
Well not obviously so
But certainly pretty
But not to the shallow
She was not compelled
By fashion or fad
In her cargo pants
And shirt of plaid
Her stocking feet
Made little sound
As on fairy steps
She flitted around
She had a delicious chuckle
Rich and fruity
When she laughed
Was when I saw beauty
A smile lit up her face
And her big eyes
Transformed her
From pupae to butterfly
Her laughing eyes
Glanced aside
And she was caught
Her look was spied
Her pale skin
As she blushed
Turns to crimson
And away she rushed
Though she dressed
Not to impress
She had a figure
Hidden, nonetheless
My eyes followed her
Though no others did
My pretty Kitty
This gorgeous Kiwi kid
Do you try to hide?
From the wicked world
The pretty girl inside
Oh lovely Kiwi girl
Because I already spied
The pretty girl inside
When first I looked
Into her big grey eyes
SHE IS
She is embedded in my heart
I imagine her inside my head
I picture her in my life
Safely in my arms
Or sleeping in my bed
She is ingrained in my soul
I imagine us with a family
I picture our life together
Far off in the future
With cherished memories
She is woven through my fabric
She is at the very heart of me
I feel her hand in mine
And her kisses on my skin
Her scent is exotic and heady
Though she is in my every thought
And my dreams of her persist
I have to confess that
As much as I love her
She doesn’t know that I exist
Where do I begin to say?
Exactly what you mean to me
It would surely end my world
If you were to set me free
Where do I begin to say?
How happy it would make me
If I could find the perfect words
To express my feelings with clarity
When we are separated
I feel half a person, empty and incomplete
But when we are together
I am whole and I am replete
Where do I begin to say?
How blessed I am to have you in my life
As my lover, and best friend
My partner and my wife
KIWI GIRL
She was a tiny little thing
Barely five foot, Pint size
But larger than life
With huge grey eyes
Her first words were
I’m not an Aussie
I’m from New Zealand
And I’m a Kiwi
Christened Katherine
She preferred Kitty
At first glance
I thought she was pretty
Perhaps not beautiful
Well not obviously so
But certainly pretty
But not to the shallow
She was not compelled
By fashion or fad
In her cargo pants
And shirt of plaid
Her stocking feet
Made little sound
As on fairy steps
She flitted around
She had a delicious chuckle
Rich and fruity
When she laughed
Was when I saw beauty
A smile lit up her face
And her big eyes
Transformed her
From pupae to butterfly
Her laughing eyes
Glanced aside
And she was caught
Her look was spied
Her pale skin
As she blushed
Turns to crimson
And away she rushed
Though she dressed
Not to impress
She had a figure
Hidden, nonetheless
My eyes followed her
Though no others did
My pretty Kitty
This gorgeous Kiwi kid
Do you try to hide?
From the wicked world
The pretty girl inside
Oh lovely Kiwi girl
Because I already spied
The pretty girl inside
When first I looked
Into her big grey eyes
SHE IS
She is embedded in my heart
I imagine her inside my head
I picture her in my life
Safely in my arms
Or sleeping in my bed
She is ingrained in my soul
I imagine us with a family
I picture our life together
Far off in the future
With cherished memories
She is woven through my fabric
She is at the very heart of me
I feel her hand in mine
And her kisses on my skin
Her scent is exotic and heady
Though she is in my every thought
And my dreams of her persist
I have to confess that
As much as I love her
She doesn’t know that I exist
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
Assorted Love Poems For Valentines Day
SEE EMILY PLAY
It is said that Beauty
Is in its beholders eye
Then surely in Emily’s case
Our vision must be singular
Any man with a heartbeat
Must see as I
In order not to mislead
I should state that Emily
Is not on the cover of vogue
She is no airbrushed goddess
She is a normal girl
Perhaps even ordinary
But she is beautiful all the same
She does not see it
In her self effacing way
She sees only her flaws
But in my eyes
Her beauty is enhanced
By her imperfections
And not diminished by them
She is not a perfect beauty
And so to me she is perfection
She see’s many imperfections
But I don’t see any
For example her hair
Which Emily wears long
Is straight and is of that
Undignified shade of mousy
Her ears are small, almost delicate
But they do protrude
Allowing her to hook her hair
Behind them effortlessly
Emily’s nose is a little Aquiline
But cute all the same
Her eyes are a startling pale green
And quite hypnotic
They are punctuated
With thick eyebrows
In the Brooke Shields style
Her lips are full, without a pout
And the corners turn up
Cutely innocent
The colour is pink
At its darkest hue
But all of this is merely,
Window dressing
I look at her in awe
Such is her loveliness
But the secret to her beauty
Is that she is natural
On the day I first met her
On that summers day
When her mouth opened
And those full pink lips
Turned into a smile
They illuminated the room
Her face seemed to radiate
A light so divine
And her countenance
Was at once angelic
And at that very moment
Emily captured my heart
I stood open mouthed
Staring at this goddess
Then when see noticed me
Her cheeks discoloured
To a shade of claret wine
And I knew cupid had struck
Two hearts pieced by a single arrow
THE CATS WHISKERS
You are simply the bee’s knees
The cats whiskers to a tee
And I couldn’t feel more lucky
If I’d won the national lottery
So I amble about the place
A smug expression on my face
Like a cat that got the cream
As you’ve made my life a dream
And you are my little sex kitten
And I am yours, totally smitten
WHEN LOVERS PART
Was it really two weeks ago
When we cried and said hello
And now as we stand in the rain
It’s the time for us to part again
Holding you close again we cry
As the time has come to say goodbye
Only a few more weeks to go
When we will say our last hello
And our goodbyes will be done
As before God we join as one
And never again will we part
Or feel the longing in our hearts
I hold you close as again we cry
Then I kiss you and say goodbye
MY HEART WILL SAY
My heart will say
Every day
Why am I empty?
So empty
My heart will say
Every day
Why am I so lonely?
So lonely
My heart will say
Every day
I can love someone
Anyone
My heart will say
Every day
Answer me please
Please answer me
My heart makes a plea
Please fill me
Give me some company
Hear my plea
My heart will say
Every day
Find me a kindred spirit
Oh please permit
My heart despairs
I have so much to share
I have so much to give
Please let me live
THOSE EYES
Those eyes, those eyes
Of saucer size
Those eyes, those eyes
That hypnotize
Those eyes, those eyes
So worldly wise
Those eyes, those eyes
That bring me sighs
Those eyes, those eyes
Cause of my demise
Those eyes, those eyes
I’m lost, so no surprise
EVERY DREAM I’VE DREAMED
Every dream I’ve dreamed
Was because of you
Every wish I’ve wished
You have made come true
You read me like a book
And you are written on every page
Everything I've longed for
Is rolled up in one package
You came to me like a gift
Delivered out of the blue
And the greatest gift of all
Is being loved by you
THANK YOU ELIZABETH
How do I love thee?
Was Ms Browning’s question
Let me count the ways.
Was her suggestion
But how to begin
That list of criteria
Or to select one phrase
To serve as a Panacea
Her answer was perfection
The perfection such as I desire
I love you as deep and wide
And as high as my soul can aspire
IMMEASURABLE
Since that first day long ago
When first I saw my angel
We have laboured hard at love
And we have both built well
We have forged this love
Which we will forever know
It will never melt away
Like the thawing of the snow
But how is it measured?
How do we quantify?
We feel it and that is proof enough
The love shared by you and I
YOU MUST KNOW I LOVE YOU
You must know I love you
I hope I show you that I do
For the sweetest moments in my life
Are the ones I spend with you
You are my first thought
When I awake to the new day
And the last thing on my mind
At night when I drift away
I wish I could tell you
Of the love that’s in my heart
I want you to feel the depth of love
I’ve felt for you from the start
I would use sweet phrases
And sugary words of love
The sweetest ever known
Speaking of columbine and dove
No the words that I must choose
Are the simplest that I can use
What I'm feeling deep inside
Is the deepest love for you
ON THAT BEAUTIFUL DAY IN JUNE
On that beautiful day in June
When they played that familiar tune
My heart was filled with happiness
Then I saw you in the big white dress
I stole a sideways glance at you
And found you looking at me too
It was quite goofy we smiled so much
I took your hand and felt your tender touch
Proudly we stood together side by side
As before God the knot was tied
My heart filled again with happiness
As I wed the girl in the big white dress
If pride is a sin then I’ve sinned too much
I’ve felt it when I’ve felt your loving touch
I’ve felt it at our happiest and our saddest
And when I saw you in a maternity dress
Oh how I remember that day in June
When they played that familiar tune
And my heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress
And now as I look back across the years
To the times of laughter and of tears
I’ve never said “I love you” and not felt proud
My dearest one beneath the big white shroud
GROWING OLD TOGETHER
Journey to our Autumn years
In my loving company
Let us age together like old port
Or mature like a piece of Brie
What joys the future holds
If you spend your life with me
MORE THAN ALL THE RICHES
More than all the riches of the earth
Or all the treasure of the deep
More than ingots from the vaults
Or jewels in the Castle’s keep
Neither polished gem nor cultured pearl
Could be held to be in compare
To the priceless nature of our love
That you and I both share
I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU
I fell in love with you
When you were glam
And I still love you now?
That I’m an old man
I fell in love with you
When you were buffer
And I still love you now?
That I’m an old duffer
I fell in love with you
When you were fit
And I still love you now?
That I’m an old git
BE MY VALENTINE # 6
On Valentines Day
The valentine card said to the stamp
Stick with me and we'll go places!
While the farmer gave his wife
Hogs and kisses!
And the caveman gave his wife
Ughs and kisses!
And the Persian gave his wife
Rugs and kisses!
It is said that Beauty
Is in its beholders eye
Then surely in Emily’s case
Our vision must be singular
Any man with a heartbeat
Must see as I
In order not to mislead
I should state that Emily
Is not on the cover of vogue
She is no airbrushed goddess
She is a normal girl
Perhaps even ordinary
But she is beautiful all the same
She does not see it
In her self effacing way
She sees only her flaws
But in my eyes
Her beauty is enhanced
By her imperfections
And not diminished by them
She is not a perfect beauty
And so to me she is perfection
She see’s many imperfections
But I don’t see any
For example her hair
Which Emily wears long
Is straight and is of that
Undignified shade of mousy
Her ears are small, almost delicate
But they do protrude
Allowing her to hook her hair
Behind them effortlessly
Emily’s nose is a little Aquiline
But cute all the same
Her eyes are a startling pale green
And quite hypnotic
They are punctuated
With thick eyebrows
In the Brooke Shields style
Her lips are full, without a pout
And the corners turn up
Cutely innocent
The colour is pink
At its darkest hue
But all of this is merely,
Window dressing
I look at her in awe
Such is her loveliness
But the secret to her beauty
Is that she is natural
On the day I first met her
On that summers day
When her mouth opened
And those full pink lips
Turned into a smile
They illuminated the room
Her face seemed to radiate
A light so divine
And her countenance
Was at once angelic
And at that very moment
Emily captured my heart
I stood open mouthed
Staring at this goddess
Then when see noticed me
Her cheeks discoloured
To a shade of claret wine
And I knew cupid had struck
Two hearts pieced by a single arrow
THE CATS WHISKERS
You are simply the bee’s knees
The cats whiskers to a tee
And I couldn’t feel more lucky
If I’d won the national lottery
So I amble about the place
A smug expression on my face
Like a cat that got the cream
As you’ve made my life a dream
And you are my little sex kitten
And I am yours, totally smitten
WHEN LOVERS PART
Was it really two weeks ago
When we cried and said hello
And now as we stand in the rain
It’s the time for us to part again
Holding you close again we cry
As the time has come to say goodbye
Only a few more weeks to go
When we will say our last hello
And our goodbyes will be done
As before God we join as one
And never again will we part
Or feel the longing in our hearts
I hold you close as again we cry
Then I kiss you and say goodbye
MY HEART WILL SAY
My heart will say
Every day
Why am I empty?
So empty
My heart will say
Every day
Why am I so lonely?
So lonely
My heart will say
Every day
I can love someone
Anyone
My heart will say
Every day
Answer me please
Please answer me
My heart makes a plea
Please fill me
Give me some company
Hear my plea
My heart will say
Every day
Find me a kindred spirit
Oh please permit
My heart despairs
I have so much to share
I have so much to give
Please let me live
THOSE EYES
Those eyes, those eyes
Of saucer size
Those eyes, those eyes
That hypnotize
Those eyes, those eyes
So worldly wise
Those eyes, those eyes
That bring me sighs
Those eyes, those eyes
Cause of my demise
Those eyes, those eyes
I’m lost, so no surprise
EVERY DREAM I’VE DREAMED
Every dream I’ve dreamed
Was because of you
Every wish I’ve wished
You have made come true
You read me like a book
And you are written on every page
Everything I've longed for
Is rolled up in one package
You came to me like a gift
Delivered out of the blue
And the greatest gift of all
Is being loved by you
THANK YOU ELIZABETH
How do I love thee?
Was Ms Browning’s question
Let me count the ways.
Was her suggestion
But how to begin
That list of criteria
Or to select one phrase
To serve as a Panacea
Her answer was perfection
The perfection such as I desire
I love you as deep and wide
And as high as my soul can aspire
IMMEASURABLE
Since that first day long ago
When first I saw my angel
We have laboured hard at love
And we have both built well
We have forged this love
Which we will forever know
It will never melt away
Like the thawing of the snow
But how is it measured?
How do we quantify?
We feel it and that is proof enough
The love shared by you and I
YOU MUST KNOW I LOVE YOU
You must know I love you
I hope I show you that I do
For the sweetest moments in my life
Are the ones I spend with you
You are my first thought
When I awake to the new day
And the last thing on my mind
At night when I drift away
I wish I could tell you
Of the love that’s in my heart
I want you to feel the depth of love
I’ve felt for you from the start
I would use sweet phrases
And sugary words of love
The sweetest ever known
Speaking of columbine and dove
No the words that I must choose
Are the simplest that I can use
What I'm feeling deep inside
Is the deepest love for you
ON THAT BEAUTIFUL DAY IN JUNE
On that beautiful day in June
When they played that familiar tune
My heart was filled with happiness
Then I saw you in the big white dress
I stole a sideways glance at you
And found you looking at me too
It was quite goofy we smiled so much
I took your hand and felt your tender touch
Proudly we stood together side by side
As before God the knot was tied
My heart filled again with happiness
As I wed the girl in the big white dress
If pride is a sin then I’ve sinned too much
I’ve felt it when I’ve felt your loving touch
I’ve felt it at our happiest and our saddest
And when I saw you in a maternity dress
Oh how I remember that day in June
When they played that familiar tune
And my heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress
And now as I look back across the years
To the times of laughter and of tears
I’ve never said “I love you” and not felt proud
My dearest one beneath the big white shroud
GROWING OLD TOGETHER
Journey to our Autumn years
In my loving company
Let us age together like old port
Or mature like a piece of Brie
What joys the future holds
If you spend your life with me
MORE THAN ALL THE RICHES
More than all the riches of the earth
Or all the treasure of the deep
More than ingots from the vaults
Or jewels in the Castle’s keep
Neither polished gem nor cultured pearl
Could be held to be in compare
To the priceless nature of our love
That you and I both share
I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU
I fell in love with you
When you were glam
And I still love you now?
That I’m an old man
I fell in love with you
When you were buffer
And I still love you now?
That I’m an old duffer
I fell in love with you
When you were fit
And I still love you now?
That I’m an old git
BE MY VALENTINE # 6
On Valentines Day
The valentine card said to the stamp
Stick with me and we'll go places!
While the farmer gave his wife
Hogs and kisses!
And the caveman gave his wife
Ughs and kisses!
And the Persian gave his wife
Rugs and kisses!
WINTER WONDERLAND
THE SILENT DAWN
The six o’clock alarm
Breaks my slumber
I swat at the clock
Like an unwelcome bug
A single gesture brings silence
And I lie in the quiet hush
Silence! Why is it silent?
Where is the traffic noise?
The clinking milk float?
The boy racers?
The early morning bussle?
I leap from my bed
And rush to the window
I pause for a moment
Hold my breath in anticipation
Then pull back the curtain
And what a sight to behold
Snow! Snow! Snow!
As far as the eye could see
A vista of pure virgin white
The whole scene cloaked
In a deep shroud of snow
Shapes rose up here and there
From the thick carpet
Disguising what lay below
I search the scene for signs of life
And found none
The snow was fresh and unsullied
Just lying there, waiting
I turned and dragged the duvet
Off my sleeping wife
And responded to her protests
Saying “Snow! Snow! Snow!”
Half an hour later
We were fully dressed
And on the way out of the door
Thirty seconds later we were back
We had forgotten to wake the children
SNOWFLAKE
What a perfect creation
Are the snowflakes
Beauty and geometry
Each precisely fashioned
They float to earth
Filling the air
Like cotton in a mill shed
Haphazardly drifting
Individual and unique
The crystals fall
Like pieces in an Impossipuzzle
To make a perfect picture
IT’S A SNOW DAY
The motorway is closed
All the schools are shut
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
The kids can stay and play
The buses aren’t running
The car won’t start
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
We can stay and play
The gritter’s never did the job
The salt’s still in the bin
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
No work for us today
It’s bad for the economy
For us all to stay at home
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
Hip, hip hooray
The six o’clock alarm
Breaks my slumber
I swat at the clock
Like an unwelcome bug
A single gesture brings silence
And I lie in the quiet hush
Silence! Why is it silent?
Where is the traffic noise?
The clinking milk float?
The boy racers?
The early morning bussle?
I leap from my bed
And rush to the window
I pause for a moment
Hold my breath in anticipation
Then pull back the curtain
And what a sight to behold
Snow! Snow! Snow!
As far as the eye could see
A vista of pure virgin white
The whole scene cloaked
In a deep shroud of snow
Shapes rose up here and there
From the thick carpet
Disguising what lay below
I search the scene for signs of life
And found none
The snow was fresh and unsullied
Just lying there, waiting
I turned and dragged the duvet
Off my sleeping wife
And responded to her protests
Saying “Snow! Snow! Snow!”
Half an hour later
We were fully dressed
And on the way out of the door
Thirty seconds later we were back
We had forgotten to wake the children
SNOWFLAKE
What a perfect creation
Are the snowflakes
Beauty and geometry
Each precisely fashioned
They float to earth
Filling the air
Like cotton in a mill shed
Haphazardly drifting
Individual and unique
The crystals fall
Like pieces in an Impossipuzzle
To make a perfect picture
IT’S A SNOW DAY
The motorway is closed
All the schools are shut
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
The kids can stay and play
The buses aren’t running
The car won’t start
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
We can stay and play
The gritter’s never did the job
The salt’s still in the bin
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
No work for us today
It’s bad for the economy
For us all to stay at home
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
Hip, hip hooray
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
THE CHRISTMAS SURPRISE
IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE
It was Christmas Eve
We were preparing for Christmas day
Stuffing the bird and peeling veg
Singing of Santa on his sleigh
When the phone call came
I thought great Dads on his way
Or maybe it will be Gran
With another Christmas cliché
A happy Christmas call
Full of happiness and cheer
In truth it was the very opposite
It was the call we all fear
The death of a loved one
The voice says so very clear
“I’ve lost my best friend”
And I had no words only tears
Out of the blue so unexpected
Certainly not on Christmas Eve
Christmas should be a celebration
Certainly not a time to grieve
But Christmas Eve or not
It seems it was his time to leave
So farewell dear brother
Life without you I cannot conceive
DEAR BROTHER
Dear brother you were always first
I wish our roles could have been reversed
You were the first born son
Always Dads number one
You were first to go to school
While I looked at my brother so cool
The certificates you received
Became targets I had to achieve
I always beat you I was always King
But I was never first to do anything
You were the first to kiss a girl
A rather ungainly blonde called Shirl
You were the first to get a job
The first to earn an honest bob
You were the first to wed
The first to wet a babies head
And to feel a granddads pride
I watched you brush a tear aside
And now for the last time
You were first to hear the bell chime
Once more you’ve won the race
And were first to feel Gods embrace
JUST LIKE JACOB MARLEY
Peter was taken on Christmas Eve
Just like Jacob Marley
But the similarity ends there
He was never grasping or stingy
He had not been well for a time
And happy to pass without fuss
But he would have been hopping mad
That he was missing Christmas
He would not have planned it that way
And picked a better time to leave
I think he would have been happier
If he had died on New Years Eve
For my Brother Peter who died on Christmas Eve 2008
It was Christmas Eve
We were preparing for Christmas day
Stuffing the bird and peeling veg
Singing of Santa on his sleigh
When the phone call came
I thought great Dads on his way
Or maybe it will be Gran
With another Christmas cliché
A happy Christmas call
Full of happiness and cheer
In truth it was the very opposite
It was the call we all fear
The death of a loved one
The voice says so very clear
“I’ve lost my best friend”
And I had no words only tears
Out of the blue so unexpected
Certainly not on Christmas Eve
Christmas should be a celebration
Certainly not a time to grieve
But Christmas Eve or not
It seems it was his time to leave
So farewell dear brother
Life without you I cannot conceive
DEAR BROTHER
Dear brother you were always first
I wish our roles could have been reversed
You were the first born son
Always Dads number one
You were first to go to school
While I looked at my brother so cool
The certificates you received
Became targets I had to achieve
I always beat you I was always King
But I was never first to do anything
You were the first to kiss a girl
A rather ungainly blonde called Shirl
You were the first to get a job
The first to earn an honest bob
You were the first to wed
The first to wet a babies head
And to feel a granddads pride
I watched you brush a tear aside
And now for the last time
You were first to hear the bell chime
Once more you’ve won the race
And were first to feel Gods embrace
JUST LIKE JACOB MARLEY
Peter was taken on Christmas Eve
Just like Jacob Marley
But the similarity ends there
He was never grasping or stingy
He had not been well for a time
And happy to pass without fuss
But he would have been hopping mad
That he was missing Christmas
He would not have planned it that way
And picked a better time to leave
I think he would have been happier
If he had died on New Years Eve
For my Brother Peter who died on Christmas Eve 2008
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
# 1
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Thanks to a litigious culture, and a legal vulture
Humpty Dumpty made a big score
# 2
It's raining, it's pouring;
Politicians are snoring.
They had their chance
To save the world
Now we’re screwed by global warming
# 3
Simple Simon met a pie man
Going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"what have you got there?"
Said the pie man to Simple Simon
"what do you expect me to have?"
“I’m the pie man
so I’ve got pies you dozy chav”
# 4
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls but didn’t know why.
When the boys came out to play
He had more fun because he was gay
# 5
Mary Mary quite contrary,
How has your garden thrived?
With fertilizers and chemicals?
Or is it genetically modified?
# 6
Little Bo peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
She didn’t know about the foot and mouth
Or that the farmer had to burn them
# 7
I had a little hen,
The prettiest ever seen,
Which happily made
For such versatile cuisine
# 8
Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Of a fashionable eatery
When his food arrived in its design contrived
He said “What’s this supposed to be?”
# 9
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
The silly man would have looked better
If he waited till the warmer weather
# 10
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her!
She slipped through his fingers like sand
So he ordered another one from Thailand
# 11
This little piggy has an ASBO
This little piggy’s in prison,
This little piggy was a car thief
This little piggy’s on the run
And this little piggy went...
"!£&&*!!!$" the anti social little bastard
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Thanks to a litigious culture, and a legal vulture
Humpty Dumpty made a big score
# 2
It's raining, it's pouring;
Politicians are snoring.
They had their chance
To save the world
Now we’re screwed by global warming
# 3
Simple Simon met a pie man
Going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"what have you got there?"
Said the pie man to Simple Simon
"what do you expect me to have?"
“I’m the pie man
so I’ve got pies you dozy chav”
# 4
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls but didn’t know why.
When the boys came out to play
He had more fun because he was gay
# 5
Mary Mary quite contrary,
How has your garden thrived?
With fertilizers and chemicals?
Or is it genetically modified?
# 6
Little Bo peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
She didn’t know about the foot and mouth
Or that the farmer had to burn them
# 7
I had a little hen,
The prettiest ever seen,
Which happily made
For such versatile cuisine
# 8
Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Of a fashionable eatery
When his food arrived in its design contrived
He said “What’s this supposed to be?”
# 9
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
The silly man would have looked better
If he waited till the warmer weather
# 10
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her!
She slipped through his fingers like sand
So he ordered another one from Thailand
# 11
This little piggy has an ASBO
This little piggy’s in prison,
This little piggy was a car thief
This little piggy’s on the run
And this little piggy went...
"!£&&*!!!$" the anti social little bastard
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