Friday 27 October 2017

A Little Bit Of Humour # 154

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 388

Twinkle, Twinkle, little star
I think there’s something wrong
Because you have the same tune
As that annoying Alphabet Song

ARE YOU WEARING YELLOW?

Are you wearing yellow?
A brave choice for one so sallow
With thick wrinkled skin like a Tangelo
But for all that you seem quite mellow
So why are you wearing yellow?
Oh, you’re that Vince Cable fellow

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 7

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
I can confirm are deceased no more
Though close enough, as they are
Hosting Bake Off on Channel 4

THERE IS GREAT HUMOUR TO BE FOUND # 1

There is great humour to be found
Among the numerous Americans
But for me the funniest of them all
Have got to be the Punsylvanians

I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED

I was asked who I wanted
To celebrate my birthday
My answer was as easy as ABC
“Anyone but Chardonnay”

LAST NIGHT I UPDATED

Last night I updated
My social media profile
But my wife didn’t
Like my picture style
In fact she said I looked
Like a paedophile

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 397

Molly, my sister and I fell out,
And what do you think it was all about?
Well I loved Miranda and so did she
And she made Miranda cheat on me

ACCEPTED WISDOM IT WOULD SEEM

Accepted wisdom it would seem
Proclaims there’s no “I” in team
So that must mean that Teamwork
Will inevitably make the dream work

CARRIER BAG, CARRIER BAG

Am I the only one,
Is it really only me?
That has a carrier bag
Hanging purposefully
Dedicated for the use as
A carrier bag repository

CITIZENS OF WESTERN DEMOCRACY’S

Citizens of Western democracy’s
Will cross the world to fight for it
But are so disinterested that they
Won't cross the street to vote for it

AT WHAT POINT DO MISTAKES

At what point do
Mistaken repetitions
Made over time
Become traditions

HE WAS HARD AS NAILS

He was hard as nails,
And the man terrified me
His reputation is the fact,
Supported by Testimony,
That he once jogged home
After having a vasectomy

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 3

I have given up sex for Lent
Which is to some small extent
An empty gesture on my part
As to stop I’d first need to start

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (5)

I’m from a big Family
And my dad said to me
“Your brother is going to Italy
With his new lady”
I said “Oh really, Genoa?”
“No I haven’t met her”

BEING IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION

Being in the medical profession
And being a private practitioner
Is the most tedious, as it requires
More patients than any other

YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS

“You look like a million dollars”
I told my wife and she was all aglow
I didn’t explain that meant not as good
As she did twenty years ago

HAPPY AS LARRY

Apparently, being Happy as Larry
Means you’re a happy Chappie
But I want to know who Larry is
And whys he so bloody happy

A Little Bit Of Humour # 153

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 2

I have given up sex for Lent
Which is to some small extent
An empty gesture on my part
As I had to as I have a bad heart

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (6)

At a get together with Family
My widowed father told me
That he had found a new lady
“We’re off to Portuguese India”
“Oh really” I said, “Goa?”
“No” he said “she’s a bit demure”

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN?

Are you wearing green?
My pretty young Coleen
And that’s everything so?
Well that’s nice to know
And is an image to bewitch
If you do mean every stitch

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 387

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
Decided to sow Stock seed
But later she realised her error
After sowing Japanese knotweed

ARE YOU WEARING PEDAL PUSHERS?

Are you wearing pedal pushers?
I think it’s their appearance you like
Given that you are a sedentary being
And you can’t even ride a bike

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 6

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour of their demise
Are working as the Chuckle Brothers
In their most cunning disguise

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (7)

He said “I was asked by my daughter,
If I could go out to East Africa”
I retorted “that’s amazing, Kenya?”
He replied “No I had to disappoint her”

MY FRIENDS CALL ME SNAKE HIPS

My friends call me snake hips
Though not because I’m thin
I earned my unfortunate nickname
Because I have really dry skin

WHEN MY BROTHER WAS AT COLLEGE

When my brother was at college
He had an unusual nickname
Which was the “snow plough”
Because of his appetite for cocaine

LOVE IS ABOUT THE COMPROMISE

Love is about the compromise
It’s the corner stone I would say
For example if we should disagree
We compromise and do it her way

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 3

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
Then he added he was from Belarus
And clarified “I’m a Minsk Spy”

TO HAVE VOICES IN MY HEAD

I believe it’s quite normal
To have voices in my head
Listening to them is usual
Sometimes I argue instead
However, if I were to lose
The argument, I’d be dead

IT WAS A SPECIAL TIME WHEN WE WED

It was a special time when we wed
In front of family, friend and piers
We found it a very emotional day
Even the Wedding cake was in tiers

TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY EIGHT LOVERS

“Two hundred and eighty eight lovers”
Was not what I expected, not even close
But that was what my mum confessed
And to be honest that was just two gross

IF ALL THE SEAS WERE DRIED UP

If all the seas were dried up,
Every bay, lagoon and ocean
Would Poseidon understand why?
Would he even have a notion?

WHAT SHAPE IS A KISS

What shape is a kiss?
Oh my now I’m in a pickle
Well if you press me
I would say it’s a lip-tickle

A Little Bit Of Humour # 152

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 386

Harlequin ladybird, fly away home
Your kind are not welcome here
So get your Harlequin spotted arse
Back to where you belong in Asia

ARE YOU WEARING CLAM DIGGERS?

Are you wearing clam diggers?
How very beachcomber of you
However inappropriate, given
The fact seafood makes you spew

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 5

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing an Elizabethan tribute act
At the Edinburgh Fringe instead

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN?

Are you wearing green?
My pretty young Coleen
And that’s everything so?
Well that’s nice to know
And is an image to bewitch
If you do mean every stitch

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (6)

At a get together with Family
My widowed father told me
That he had found a new lady
“We’re off to Portuguese India”
“Oh really” I said, “Goa?”
“No” he said “she’s a bit demure”

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 1

I have given up sex for Lent
Which should not disconcert
As I haven’t done it for six years
So another month won’t hurt

ARE YOU WEARING SHAMROCK?

Are you wearing shamrock?
And Patrick is patron saint, but why?
Did he drive the snakes out of Ireland?
Or did he just have a great PR guy?

THE PERFECT FATHER’S DAY GIFT

On Father's Day, I want to give my Dad
The very best present that I can get
One that he wants more than anything
But I can't afford to move out yet

IF YOU ARE A LOVER OF PUNS

If you are a lover of puns
Then on shrove Tuesday
There is only one conclusion
And that that its pun-cake day

I TOOK MY DOG TO A BONFIRE PARTY

I took my dog to a bonfire party
And he stared at the fire blankly
I twigged as I watched the fiery licks
It was because he loved sticks
In fact sticks were one of his joys
So the fire was like a pile of his toys

ALTHOUGH IT HAS BECOME A FAMILY TRADITION

Although it has become a family tradition
Not everyone over eats on Thanksgiving
And of course I’m referring to the Turkeys
Because they were stuffed in the beginning

HOOCHIE COOCHIE

I really like to smooch
With my hoochie cooch
And the times I am in bliss
Is when we hug and kiss
Because I’m just a sucker
For my honey’s pucker

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY

They were reviewing the papers
On TV this morning
And A4 is still the most popular
So that’s quite boring

CHEESE DO

I went to a cheese function
For cheese from Brie to Blue
When the hot cheese appeared
It all became a really fun do

DAWN ROSE ON THE DESERT

Dawn rose on the desert
In the crisp morning air
But she didn’t have a clue
How she actually got there

RISKY BEHAVIOURS

She woke up on Sunday morning
And regretted her risky behaviours
Muttering as she looked at her partner
“I should have gone to Specsavers”

Halloween 2017

ARE YOU WEARING BLOODY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing bloody clothes?
I don’t mind admitting that you look scary
I hope it’s a Halloween costume and you
Haven’t escaped from the penitentiary

HALLOWEEN IS A CONTEST

For my friends and I, Halloween is a contest
And I go all out to beat them all
This year I dressed my dog up as a cat
But now he won’t come when I call

GOTH HALLOWEEN

I wonder if Halloween is the only
Day of the year that the goths
Dress colorfully like butterflies
Instead of the normal drab moths

THE LESSON THAT HALLOWEEN TEACHES

The lesson that Halloween teaches
Us all, Might well strike a chord
It’s pretending to be something you're not
Which will lead to a sweet reward

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN SPATS?

Are you wearing Halloween spats?
Well I don’t like them much
But I have to admit that the spatter
Of blood is a very nice touch

A HOLIDAY DECEPTION # 2

I pretend to be someone I’m not
Just to receive something sweet
Which could be for Valentine’s Day
Or just for a Halloween treat

I MET A GIRL ON HALLOWEEN,

I met a girl on Halloween,
Wearing blood suckers attire
But alas she wasn’t costumed
She was actually a vampire

THANK GOODNESS FOR HALLOWEEN,

Thank goodness for Halloween,
I can say that without hesitation
Because the cobwebs have suddenly
Become Halloween decorations

HALLOWEEN PROPOSITION

My future wife was dressed like a tart
When we first met on Elm Street
And she said very provocatively
“I'll be your trick if you'll be my treat”

HALLOWEEN IS ONE OF THE FEW

Halloween is one of the very few
Acceptable times to wear body glitter
When you have a reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken for a stripper

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing Halloween slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed

HALLOWEEN IS ALL ABOUT CANDY

Halloween is all about Candy
Which can be very droll
Unless she has daddy issues
And swings from a pole

WHY COULDN'T THE WITCH HAVE CHILDREN?

Why couldn't the witch have children?
It wasn’t just because she was a meanie
The answer is far more fundamental
Because her husband had a hallow weenie

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN SOCKS?

Are you wearing Halloween socks?
Beneath your skirt? it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to wonder
How high they go above the knee

I AM BEING HAUNTED BY

I am being haunted by
A dancing ghostly vision
Who really has the moves
So I call him Boogie Man

HALLOWEEN FANCY DRESS

My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For Halloween
I said “Drunk will do me”

HALLOWEEN IS JUST AN EXCUSE

Halloween is just an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
And that’s why Halloween
Is the best holiday for me

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Halloween ankle socks?
You know I’ve often pictured them on you
And you really don’t need anything else
Just wearing those ankle socks will do

Wednesday 2 August 2017

A Little Bit Of Humour # 151

WE NEEDED A FAMILY HOLIDAY

We needed a family holiday
But lack of finances can restrict
So I had to take them all
Up to the Off Peak District

I’VE STARTED PLANNING MY HOLIDAY

I’ve started planning my holiday
Last year I went to the Canary Islands
And didn’t see a single canary
So this year I’m going to the Virgin Islands

A MAN WANTED TO GO SWIMMING

A man wanted to go swimming
With sharks when the flags flew red
Of course you can do it at a price
But it could cost an arm and a leg

WE WENT TO THE SEASIDE

We went to the seaside
And it was so grim
Even the tide was reluctant
To come back in

I WON AN ALL-EXPENSES PAID

I won a round the world trip,
All-expenses paid
But my wife wanted to go
Elsewhere I’m afraid

SEND ONE BAG TO TOKYO

A passenger said “Send one bag to Tokyo
And the other to Paris, is that clear?”
They said at the check in desk “you’re going
To Athens so we can’t do that I fear”
“Why ever not” the man said in reply
“That’s exactly what you did last year”

BIMBETTE PACKED ALL HER GLOVES

Bimbette packed all her gloves
Into one suit case for Santorini
When I asked her why she replied
“Because its hand luggage only”

MY WIFE TOLD THE ITALIAN WAITER BLUNTLY

My wife told the Italian waiter bluntly
Without ambiguity what she meant
That his pepper grinder was like a penis
So he thanked her for the condiment

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING TIGHTS?

“How long have you been wearing tights?”
I asked him as we got changed for cricket
He smiled at me ruefully and then replied
“Since my wife found them in my pocket”

JEAN PIERRE AND HIS LETTERS

Jean Pierre coated his French Letters
In the famous orange liqueur digestive
His girlfriend liked flavoured condoms
He called them his Cointreau-ceptives

YOU CAN EITHER ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING

You can either ask me to do something
Or you tell me how you want it done.
But not both, if you already know best
How to do it, just do it yourself, hon

I’VE SURVIVED PROSTATE CANCER

I’ve survived prostate cancer
I've had two bypass surgeries,
I'm half blind, more than half deaf
And I have type two diabetes
I’ve had hip replacements,
An elbow and two new knees,
I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92
And when I go out I can’t go far
As I have a very weak bladder
But at least I can still drive my car

AN ELDERLY WOMAN DECIDED TO PREPARE HER WILL

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will
“I have two requests” she told her solicitor
“First, I want to be cremated, and second I want
My ashes scattered over all around Tombola
“Tombola?” the solicitor “Why a Bingo Hall?”
“Well that way I'll be sure to see my daughter”

AS I'VE MATURED

I've learned in my life that it takes years
To build up trust, and respectability
And it only takes suspicion, and not
A shred of proof, to destroy it completely

A CAT CALLED BOWLING

We have a cat called “Bowling”
So why did we call him that?
It’s obvious when you think about it
Because “Bowling” is an Alley cat

I AM NOT FRESH OR ORIGINAL

I am not fresh or original
That kind of sums up my story
And I have greyish white hair
So I am become hoary

A Little Bit Of Humour # 150

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 8

If you value your life avoid places
Where entities are known to kill
A certain geographical location
Yes I’m talking about Amityville

THERE WAS A TRAGIC CASE

There was a tragic case
When a Chickpea farmer died
And after the inquest
The coroner ruled it Hummuside

THEY’RE REMAKING OLD TV SHOWS

They’re remaking old TV shows
Updating oldies from TV heaven
A Sci-Fi version of “On the Buses”
Is going to be called Blakey’s Seven

THE CHICKEN AND THE EGG LAY

The chicken and the egg
Lay in the afterglow
He lit a cigarette and said
“Well now we know”

IT WAS ANOTHER SUV BIRTHDAY

It was another SUV birthday
Thanks to my significant other
No not that kind of SUV, I got
Socks, Underwear and Viagra

IF I KNEW THE FUTURE

If I knew the future and in particular
When I was going to die and where
The knowledge would be of little use
Other than to warn me not to go there

NOT DOING UP YOUR FLY AFTER SPENDING A PENNY

Not doing up your fly after spending a penny
Makes you forgetful and nothing more,
It doesn’t mean you have Alzheimer’s
Its only senility if you forgot to unzip before

GRANDAD BEAT HIS WIFE TO DEATH

Grandad beat his wife to death
But it’s not so bad I should say
As it just means that he died
Before Grandma passed away

WHY ARE BABY FLAMINGO’S

Why are baby Flamingo’s
Always allowed to mess around?
It’s simply because the parents
Won’t put their foot down

THE WOODPECKER LOST HIS BEAK

The Woodpecker lost his beak
As a result he was full of anger
He had lost his reason for being
And turned into a head banger

DRIED FRUIT TRADE

A customer said “I want to swap a bag
Of sultanas for two bags of raisins mate”
“I can only give you one bag” he was told
“Because that’s the currant exchange rate”

RIGHT ANGLED TRIANGLES

I wanted to buy some right angled triangles
And I wanted to do it without any fuss
So I asked around and took expert advice
And I was told to go to Pythag-R-Us

EXPERIENCED IN THE BEDROOM DEPARTMENT

I only dated my wife
Because I was told she was
“Experienced in the bedroom department”
Sadly it was gained
At Ikea over twenty years
Of course it was too late by then to lament

MY LUGGAGE GOT TRASHED AT THE AIRPORT

My luggage got trashed at the airport
So I made a claim at the appropriate place
But after filling out all the relevant forms
I was told I didn’t have much of a case

MY WIFE SENT ME TO BUY OXO CUBES

My wife sent me to buy Oxo cubes
Down at the local corner shop
But I returned home empty handed
Because they were out of stock

A Little Bit Of Humour # 149

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 7

If you value your life avoid places
That might make your nerves jangle
A certain geographical location
For example the Bermuda Triangle

FROM WHAT CAN YOU TAKE AWAY

From what can you take away
The whole and still have some?
Is an interesting riddle isn’t it
And the answer is wholesome

A FLIRT DRESSES TO KILL

A flirt dresses to kill
In her desire to impress
A butcher on the other hand
Kills to dress

MY UNCLE IS A JOVIAL MAN

My uncle is a jovial man and at home
He is always full of good cheer
But at work he always looks forbidding
But then he is an auctioneer

LIKENED TO A TREE

A dog can be likened to a tree,
I once heard it said
Because they both lose their bark
Once they are dead

THE DESIGNED INSTITUTION

The institution of marriage was designed,
It has very often been said
In order to keep a girl out of mischief
And get her into trouble instead

I ONCE MADE A SEX TAPE

I once made a sex tape
With an old girlfriend of mine
Although the first I knew
Was when I saw it on line

THE ONLY BUSINESS MODEL

The only business model
Whose proprietor prefers
Customers with no redeeming
Qualities, are Pawnbrokers

I UPSET MY ENGLISH TEACHER

I upset my English teacher
So I tried to comfort her
And said There, Their, They’re

THE HEAD CHEF

The head chef
At my favourite restaurant
Died only the other day
And the devastating news
Came out of the blue
He just Pasta way

I WENT TO THE RESTAURANT LAST NIGHT

I went to the restaurant last night
The Maître d’ said there was a delay
And did I mind waiting, I said no
So he handed me a drinks tray

THE FRUIT AND VEG WHOLESALERS IN TOWN

The fruit and veg wholesalers in town
Has been liquidated and closed down
They looked for backers but got no takers
So now they’re owned by smoothie makers

MACARONI MOTORS

I told my wife
That I made a car
Out of Macaroni
It wasn’t until
I drove pasta
That she believed me

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE MEAL

The man said to his date
“I hope you enjoyed the meal
But alas I don’t have any money”
She was unfazed and replied
“If you’d told me sooner we
Could have gone somewhere classy”

COLIN TOOK A PORK PIE

For his homework
Colin took a pork pie
Around to his Aunty Grace
Because he thought
That he had to take pie
To one dismal place