Tuesday 8 July 2014

A Little Bit Of Humour # 56

SHE CHOSE TO WEAR BEIGE # 2

She chose to wear Beige
For an event of some Grandeur
Amidst the glitz and the glamour
She was in a state of blandeur

AFTER HENRI HAD BEEN TO THE DENTIST

After Henri had been
To the dentist his mouth
Was fresh and clean
But undid all the good work
By gargling garlic
Flavoured Listerine

I HATE TO WATCH YOU SPRING-CLEANING

I hate to watch you spring-cleaning
When you mutter like a nutter
Sorting through your wardrobe
As you De-clutter your schmutter

ARE YOU WEARING A DUMB EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a dumb expression?
You certainly look like a schmuck
Not that I’m not saying you’re stupid
Where thinking is concerned you’ve had no luck

THE SLIMMER OF THE YEAR

The Slimmer of the year
To her absolute surprise
Was last night presented
With the no Belly Prize

ARE YOU WEARING VOMIT IN YOUR HAIR?

Are you wearing vomit in your hair?
I fear it is a look that won’t be diminished
I've learned that you can keep on vomiting
Long after you think that you're finished

IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON ME

It suddenly dawned on me,
It couldn’t have been clearer
Than the blast of a trumpet

It was so obvious in fact
It was as plain an indication as
An ankle bracelet on a strumpet

A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED

A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan

MY WIFE GOT ME TO BELIEVE IN RELIGION

My wife got me to believe in religion
Not something you could foretell
But it was true because until
I married her I didn't believe in Hell


WHERE DID I GET MY INTELLIGENCE?

“Dad, where did I get my intelligence?'
The young schoolboy asked his father
“Well son as I still have mine” he said
“You obviously got it from your mother”

THE EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR

The Emergency Room doctor said
“I don't like the look of your wife at all sir”
“Nor me” he agreed “But she can cook,
Do the decorating and the kids like her”

AIRPORT AIRHEAD

Bimbette called the Airport and asked
“How long will it take to fly from London
To Athens?” The agent replied, “Just a minute”
“Thank you” Bimbette said and she was gone

AN OLD MAN GOES TO SEE A WIZARD

An old man goes to see a Wizard
To ask him to remove a curse
That had been on him forty years
The wizard said he was not averse
But he needed the words of the curse
To remove the cause of his strife
The man said I know them off by heart
“I now pronounce you man and wife”

THERE WAS A MURDER IN A NORFOLK VILLAGE

There was a murder in a Norfolk village
But the police are struggling to solve it
In fact they can’t even identify the body
Despite the corpse having an additional digit
The DNA matches everyone in the village
And dental records aren’t helping a bit

A MAN RECOVERING FROM SURGERY

A man recovering from surgery was asked
By the nurse “how are you feeling Mr Dukes?”
“I’m a little concerned about a four letter word
Uttered during the surgery by Doctor Proops”
“What exactly did he say?” asked the nurse.
The man went very pale and then said “Oops!”

Friday 27 June 2014

A Little Bit Of Sport

TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS

I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much about their hairstyle
And should pay as much attention to detail
On the training ground once in a while

ENGLAND IN BRAZIL 2014

You should always have a plan B
In Completive football I’d say
Unfortunately for England though
They neglected to have a plan A

BEER AND FOOTBALL

Beer and football are
As exciting for me
As handbags and shoes
Are for you, really

ENGLAND INEPT IN BRAZIL 2014

There has only been one thing
More inept than England and it
Is Alan Shearer’s pompously
Hapless performance as a pundit

YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE

You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville
Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player
Now he would also appear to be
Second best as a football commentator
If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest
He would finish second to his brother

BEND IT LIKE URI –BRAZIL 2014

The reason England failed
So says a guy in a Favela
“It’s all the fault of that
Spoon bending fella”
“We’d have won if we hadn’t
Snubbed Uri Gellar”

IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME

If footballers spent more time
Training and practising their skills
Instead of feeling the sting
Of the tattoo artists drills
They would gain the fans respect
Instead of looking like utter pills

AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014

Suarez should be hungry
Like all strikers
But for goals
And not other players

HEROES RETURN – BRAZIL 2014

England will fly home
Into Glasgow Airport
Thus ensuring, a heroes
Welcome of a sort

A QUICK BITE – BRAZIL 2014

Luis Suarez thought the response
To his biting Chiellini quite amazing
He couldn’t understand the outcry
As for a cannibal he was only grazing

THE CANNIBAL OF AJAX – BRAZIL 2014

Whether you call him Lucho
Or El Pistolero
Or the cannibal of Ajax
Or even El Conejo
Suarez needs to understand
Biting people is a no no

A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED

A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan

SUAREZ IS TOTALLY SCREWED – BRAZIL 2014

Now the evidence is viewed
And the enquiry will conclude
That Suarez is totally screwed
But what I think is rude
Is that he plays with his food

Friday 23 May 2014

True Nature # 3

BLUEBELLS IN THE WOOD

Bluebells in the wood
Sway in the dappled shade
To the tune of Spring

THISTLEDOWN, IN IDLE FLIGHT

Thistledown, in idle flight
Drifts upon the highland wind
Like ancestral spirits

BATHED IN SUMMER SUNSHINE

Bathed in summer sunshine
Gentle breezes stir the stems
But above in the golden sun
Grow an array of perfect gems

ICE AND RAIN

Ice and rain
Sleet and hail
Storm and tempest
Wind and gale
The rugged rock
Cannot prevail

THE SUMMER IS ENDING

The summer is ending
The flowers are dying
The meadows are still
And the geese are flying

SUMMER FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING

Summer flowers are blooming
In the scented meadows
Are the sun slowly sets
Lengthening the shadows

THE PEACEFUL VILLAGE

The peaceful village
In the frozen valley
Lay quietly beneath
Its winter cloak

BENDING IN THE BREEZE

Bending in the breeze
White stalks sway
Flower heads dancing
On a summer day

THE WINTER LAND LIES

The winter land lies
In suspended animation
Part of life’s eternal cycle
And with it, paused
Is its Infinite variety
But As the earth turns
Mother natures seed waits
Beneath the February snows

VOLCANOES ARE TERRIFYING

Volcanoes are terrifying
Just the thought of them is frightful
But pyroclastic eruptions
That’s just Nature at its most spiteful

A Mixed Bag of Poems

AT THE ELEVENTH HOUR

At the eleventh hour
On the eleventh day
Of the eleventh month
We heard the generals say
You can go home now lads
To the land you’ve defended
Thank God one and all
That the madness has ended

MICHAELMAS DAISY

Lovely Miss Aster,
My flower girl Maisie
My natural beauty
I love her like crazy
My own precious
Michaelmas Daisy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD

Happy birthday dad
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year

We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year

So we wish you
A happy birthday
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year

Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978

DANCING PIXIES IN THE GREEN

Dancing pixies in the green
And sparkling water sprites
Oft heard but never seen
Bathing in the morning light

DEATH IN THE SHADOWS

Death in the shadows
Grim reaper take flight
Don’t let me be the one
You’re coming for tonight

PEBBLES SMOOTH

Pebbles smooth,
Like crude glass
Smoothed by nature
Time and tide
Its patterned form
Marbled in style
Sits comfortably
In the fingers
To be skimmed
Back to the ocean

I HEAR A SINGING CHILD

I hear a singing child
Innocently engrossed
In childish play
Singing sweetly
To her audience of dolls
Safely oblivious
In her enchanted world
Would that it could
Always be that way

DEAR OSCAR

He was witty
Blessed with a fine mind
A bel esprit
And was the clever kind

MICHAELMAS DAY

Feast of the Archangels
As the autumn equinox nears
Michaelmas marks the turning
Of the husbandman's year

29th September

THE SCULPTOR CREATES

The sculptor creates
With skilful hands
The beauteous article
An artistic gift
Its concept borrowed
From his dreams
And his subconscious mind
To infuse in his design
And create a work of art

DREDGING IS NO SILVER BULLET

Dredging is no silver bullet
Is the word coming from their ranks
But at least it would be something
To prevent rivers bursting their banks
While the environment agency
Just blindly keep on firing blanks

SLAVERY WAS BORN OF EMPIRE

Slavery was born of Empire
But not a European one
Slavery existed for centuries
In fact thousands of years
Way before Europe rose to the fore
Even the Romans came late to the party
Following in Greece’s footsteps
Peoples were enslaved
From around the globe
Where there were trade routes
There was slaving
Arabs traded slaves bought
From African tribesmen
Muslims enslaved slavs
Turks enslaved Ukrainians
Mongols reached into the heart of Europe
And took slaves by the thousand
White Europeans became involved
Black enslaved black
White has enslaved white
I don’t know if it will ever end
I certainly hope so
But what I do know is
That the British didn’t invent it

ORIGINAL FAIRY TALES

Original Fairy Tales
Were not devised
To scare children
And inform them
That monsters existed
Children already knew
There were monsters
What Fairy Tales did
Was to teach children
That monsters
Could be beaten

NAZISM WAS LIKE A CANCER

Nazism was like a cancer
Spread across the continent
And when Hitler was defeated
It was not a cure, for the cancer
Was merely in remission



Wednesday 21 May 2014

Walk with God

THE CHARGE OF THE DARK BRIGADE

The scroll of the seven seals
Rested in God's right hand
Until he bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the first seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a white horse
Bearing the conqueror
Carrying a bow,
And wearing a victor's crown

God then bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the second seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a red horse
Bearing the warrior
Carrying a sword
And wielding the power
To take peace from the world

God then bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the third seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a black horse
Bearing the bringer of famine
Carrying a set of scales

Finally he bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the fourth seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a pale horse
Bearing the a rider called death
With hell close behind him

With power over a quarter of the earth
To kill by sword, famine, plague,
And by the wild beasts of the earth.
The four apocalyptic horsemen rode forth
On the charge of the dark brigade

FLAXEN HAIRED ANGEL

Flaxen haired angel
Spellbinding in white
Exuding purest love
And Gods sublime light
Spread your wings
For heavenly flight

CANDLE OF HIS LIGHT

Candle of His light
Cast your goodness
In your steady glow
Across the sinful world
And bath us in love

HELL DOES NOT HAVE TO BE

Hell does not have to be
A fiery pit of brimstone
Hell is merely
The absence of God

BE AT PEACE WITH LIFE

Be at peace with life
Live in the light
For although they
Are out of sight
We are in safe hands
Both day and night
As they walk among us
The Angels of the light

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL

Archangel Michael
Lucifer’s nemesis
Angelic warrior
In the war in heaven
Protector against
The dark of night

GOD’S ETERNAL LIGHT

God’s eternal light
Illuminates the starkness
Dispelling evil
In the invading darkness

HOLY UNMERCENARIES

Holy unmercenaries
Is an epithet applying to
Christian saints,
Who did not accept
Payment of any kind
For good deeds done
Which is I think the very least
One should expect from a saint

PALM SUNDAY OF THE PASSION OF THE LORD

With the Roman Rite
Of Palm Sunday
Or Passion Sunday
Holy Week begins
Marking the humble entrance
Of the Messiah
Into Jerusalem on a donkey,
So he could accomplish
His paschal mystery,
But Palm Sunday
Also marks with the
Blessing of palm leaves
The beginning
Of his journey to the cross

The Disciples

ONE OF THE TWELVE - ANDREW THE APOSTLE

One of the twelve
Andrew the Apostle
The son of John
Brother of Simon
From the village of Bethsaida
On the Sea of Galilee
Originally a fisherman
Turned to a fisher of men
By Jesus of Galilee
Witness of the ascension
Who spread the gospels
Far and wide
Martyred by crucifixion
At the city of Patras in Achaea

Feast day 30th November

ONE OF THE TWELVE - SIMON PETER

One of the twelve
Simon Peter
The son of John
Brother of Andrew
From the village of Bethsaida
On the Sea of Galilee
Originally a fisherman
Turned to a fisher of men
By Jesus of Galilee
Denied Christ three times
After the crucifixion
Witness of the ascension
Who spread the Gospels
Far and wide
And founded the Christian church
Becoming the first bishop
And the first Pope
Before his own crucifixion
In godless Rome
Under Emperor
Nero Augustus Caesar.

Main feast 29th June

ONE OF THE TWELVE - JAMES THE GREATER

One of the twelve
James the greater
Son of Zebedee
Son of Salome
Named by Christ
With his brother John
Sons of thunder
A simple fisherman
Turned to a fisher of men
By Jesus of Galilee
Witness of the ascension
Who spread the Gospels
Far and wide
Martyred in Jerusalem
By King Herod Agrippa I

Feast Day 25th July

JAMES THE GREATER

The legend of James
Apostle of the lord
And Christ’s appointed
Son of Thunder
Has it that
Upon his Martyrs death
In Jerusalem
St James body
Was taken by angels
And placed in a boat
Which sailed, unmanned
And rudderless
To the Spanish coast
Where it was enveloped
By a massive rock

ONE OF THE TWELVE - JOHN BROTHER OF JAMES

One of the twelve
John the beloved disciple
Son of Zebedee
Son of Salome
Named by Christ
With his brother James
Sons of thunder
A simple fisherman
Turned to a fisher of men
By Jesus of Galilee
One of the four Evangelists
John was the only disciple
To witness the crucifixion
While dying on the cross,
Jesus instructed him
To take care
Of his mother Mary
Witness of the ascension
Who spread the Gospels
Far and wide
John died at Ephesus
Have lived to an old age
The only un-martyred apostle

Feast Day December 27th

ONE OF THE TWELVE - PHILIP THE APOSTLE

One of the twelve
Philip the Apostle
From the village of Bethsaida
On the Sea of Galilee.
Witness of the ascension
Who spread the Gospels
Far and wide
He was martyred
By beheading
In the city of Hierapolis

Feast Day 3rd May

ONE OF THE TWELVE - BARTHOLOMEW THE APOSTLE

One of the twelve
Bartholomew the Apostle
From the village of Cana
On the Sea of Galilee
Witness of the ascension
Who spread the Gospels
Far and wide
After converting Polymius
The King of Armenia
He was put to death
By the Kings brother
Martyred on the cross
In Albanopolis in Armenia

Feast Day August 24th

ONE OF THE TWELVE - JAMES THE LESSER

One of the twelve
James the lesser
Son of Alphaeus
A tax collector
Witness of the ascension
Who then spread the Gospels
Far and wide
James son of Alphaeus
Was beaten, stoned
And clubbed to death

Feast Day 1st May

ONE OF THE TWELVE - DOUBTING THOMAS

One of the twelve
Doubting Thomas
Sometimes called
Didymus the Twin
Or the Apostle of India
Was a carpenter by trade
Witness of the ascension
Who was gently rebuked
After the resurrection
For his scepticism by Christ
Before exclaiming
"My Lord and My God,"
Thomas was the only witness
Of the Assumption
Of Mary into heaven
He then spread the Gospels
Far and wide
But was stabbed to death
With a spear
While in India
At a place called Calamine

ONE OF THE TWELVE - MATTHEW THE APOSTLE

One of the twelve
Matthew the Apostle
Born in Galilee
Was a former publican
Turned tax collector
From Capernaum
Before answering the call
Witness of the ascension
Witness of the resurrection
One of the four Evangelists.
Who then spread the Gospels
Far and wide
Was killed with a spear
In the city of Nadabah
In Ethiopia

Feast Day 21st September

ONE OF THE TWELVE - THADDEUS THE APOSTLE

One of the twelve
Thaddeus the apostle
Also known as Jude
Witness of the ascension
Who then spread the Gospels
Far and wide
Was Martyred in Beirut
In the Roman province of Syria

Feast Day June 19th

ONE OF THE TWELVE - SIMON THE ZEALOT

One of the twelve
Simon the Zealot
Witness of the ascension
Who then spread the Gospels
Far and wide
Was Martyred in Beirut
In the Roman province of Syria

Feast Day October 28th

ST. JAMES THE MOOR SLAYER

On a battlefield in Galicia
Upon the cry of Santiago
The saint appeared
Upon a steed of brilliant white
St James the greater
Was then transformed
From a fisher of men
To Santiago Matamoros,
St. James the Moor slayer

Erotica

CLICKETY CLACK

Clickety clack
Was the talk from the track
As Across the compartment
She sat down seductively
And the first seed of
Awakening arousal, germinated
I gave her the benefit
Of my silent appraisal
Clickety clack
Was the talk from the track
She adjusted her posture
Under my intense gaze
And re-crossed her legs
Exposing a tantalising
A hint of stocking top
And with each mile
Arousal grew
Like a blooming flower
Clickety clack,
Was the talk from the track
The sun streamed into the carriage
And illuminated her
The Dark nipples proud,
Showed through the
White Shimmering silk
Of her blouse
And the flower of arousal
Had blossomed
Clickety clack,
Was the talk from the track
Until we arrived
Shuddering and juddering
In the climax of journeys end

THROUGH THE OPEN FRENCH WINDOW

Through the open French window,
The sun streamed into the room,
Spreading across her
Semi recumbent form
Bathing her pale porcelain skin
In its yellow glow
I look on with delight
At her sensual beauty
Marvelling at the sight
Loins filled with lust
And an indestructible desire
Forged of steel and fire
As my hungry eyes
Consumed her treasures
Then I covered her smooth skin
With kisses soft and feather light
Before I could finally enjoy
The previously hinted at joy

YOU ARE WELL ENDOWED

You are well endowed
Is it all you?
Or is it padded up there
I won’t care
If you let me in up there
And what about below stairs
Just let me get in under there
Into your under wear
And I will find your derriere
Among your treasures
And some mutual pleasures

LIKE A HUMID AFTERNOON

Like a humid afternoon
She was left breathless
Passions bloom
Lingering on her cheek
Contentment’s smile
Playing about her lips

HER RED HAIR FALLS

As she quietly sleeps
Her red hair falls
In a crimson cascade
Across the fresh
Milk white skin
Of her naked flesh
And as I take in
The breath-taking vista
I sigh to myself, in
Contented admiration