A Little Bit Of Humour # 28

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO FUNNY

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
So say to the men in blue
“You don’t need to check
In the boot do you?”

MY DAD DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2

My Dad doesn’t go to the gym
And he hasn’t yet come unstuck
As he gets all the exercise he needs
Entirely by pushing my luck

I’VE GOT AN AD IN THE LONELY HEARTS

I’ve got an ad in the “lonely hearts”
“Wife wanted” is how it starts
I’ve had loads of replies, which is fine
But they all say “You can have mine”

MY BROTHER SAYS HIS WIFE IS AN ANGEL

My brother says his wife is an angel
He is deliriously happy with things
I think he’s lucky as I can’t wait
To have mine fitted for her wings

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY CONTENTED LIFE

The secret to a happy contented life
Should you ever decide, to take a wife
Whenever you are wrong, admit it
Whenever you are right just shut it

REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS CAN BE TRICKY

Remembering birthdays can be tricky
And forgetting can leave the wicket sticky
The best way to remember an important date
Is to forget it - but just the one time mate

ELECTRONIC BANKING # 1

Electronic banking
Is a wonderful thing
Lightning fast transfers
In the modern age

Though not the fastest
By any shape or means
Nothing transfers funds
Faster than marriage

TWO SIDES OF THE SAME TUPPENCE

My wife and I are like
Two sides of the same tuppence
We can’t face each other
So I guess we got our comeuppance

FORGIVENESS IS THE FORMULA

Forgiveness is the formula
For a marriage happy and long
So my wife always forgives me
Especially when she's wrong

IN ORDER TO DO GREAT THINGS

In order to do great things
A woman must inspire him
While simultaneously
Preventing his achieving them

TRAFFIC COP – SOMETHING IN COMMON

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
But don’t say to the men in blue
“Well in order to catch me
You must have been speeding too”

ARE YOU WEARING VESTMENTS?

Are you wearing vestments?
Oh reverend Katie
You know they should
Be hanging in the vestry
When the service is over
That’s where they should be
But for my birthday treat
You’ve kept it on for me
And now I get to unwrap
The reverend Katie

A Little Bit Of Humour # 27

MY DAD DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 1

My Dad doesn’t go to the gym
He has no need of their facilities
As he gets all the exercise he needs
Just by dodging his responsibilities

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY

“I’m sorry” the Officer said
“That I have to give you a ticket sir”
“I’m sorry too” I said “That I forgot
To plug in my radar detector”

ARE YOU WEARING WORN OUT DRAWERS?

Are you wearing worn out drawers?
Well I think it’s something certain
You may put on a very good show
But your riches have gone for a burton
And despite every outwardly sign
It’s a case of “all kippers and curtains”

HOW MANY YEARS BAD LUCK

How many years bad luck
Would upon you fall?
If you were clumsy enough
To break a mirror ball

IF IT TASTES LIKE BUTTER

If it tastes like butter
In your sandwich
And you can spread it
Straight from the fridge
Then you’ve probably
Had a power outage

ONE JUMP OR TWO

The only difference between
Parachuting and prostitution
Are the number of jump’s
Required for qualification

MY BEST FRIEND STOLE MY WIFE

My best friend stole my wife
But I decided not to get bitter
And got my revenge on him
Because I let him keep her

COMMUNICATION IS VERY IMPORTANT

Communication is very important
Especially conversationally
So I have a few words for her
And she has paragraphs for me

THE SECRET TO A LONG HAPPY MARRIAGE

The secret to a long happy marriage
Is soft music and candlelight dinners
As long as you don’t go together
And then you’ll both be winners

I WEEP AT THE TERRIBLE

I weep at the terrible
Bad luck in my life
For example
My first wife
She left me
After a few years
My second one has stayed,
Hence the tears

MY DEAREST WIFE AND I WERE HAPPY

My dearest wife and I were
Happy for twenty years
Unfortunately we met then
And life was suddenly full of tears

TRAFFIC COP – CONDITIONAL

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
But just don’t overdo it
By asking “I thought cops
Had to be reasonably fit”

ARE YOU WEARING A CASSOCK?

Are you wearing a cassock?
As you kneel on a hassock
I wonder what it’s concealing
As you’re reverently kneeling
One day I might get to see
As you change in the vestry

A Little Bit Of Humour # 26

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO CLEVER

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
Don’t say to the men in blue
“That's great the last cop
Only gave me a warning too”

ARE YOU WEARING A FUR COAT?

Are you wearing a fur coat?
Well that’s a cause of snickers
I know it’s not original but
Beggars can’t be pickers
But it’s a well-known adage
“Fur coat and no knickers”

SPEEDING TICKET

Bimbette was stopped for speeding
When asked to produce her license
She launched into a tirade of abuse
“This doesn’t make any bloody sense”
When the officer calmed her down
He asked Bimbette to explain
“Well you only took it away yesterday
And now you want to see it again”

PROS AND CONS FOR BECOMING A CAT OWNER

I was told I should buy a cat
“Why on earth would I do that?”
“They’re good company” they say
“And they keep the mice away”
Well eventually they convinced me
And I admit its good company
As to the expelling from my house
Of every type and size of mouse
They are a great disappointment
And their failure is evident
It is they who bring in a mouse
Into the comfort of my house
As a toy with which they play
But they let the toy get away
Now the mouse is here to stay

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 3

My wife doesn’t go to the gym
She’s the fittest lass around
As she gets all the exercise she needs
Just from running people down

MY CHILDREN AND MY PARENTS

My children and my parents
Despite the span of years
Have so much in common
Which is how it certainly appears
The complete nonsense they talk
The strange clothes they wear
None of them have jobs
They’re all familiar with drugs
And have ridiculous coloured hair

WHEN MY FIRST SON WAS BORN

My wife wanted me at the birth
I had to grin and bear it and pretend
Although I had to be at the birth
I wasn’t going down the tripey end

I stood and stared open mouthed
Full of pride and with regrets
As he came into the world
Like a bag of screaming jiblets

MY DAD WASN’T A VERY GOOD PIRATE

My dad wasn’t a very good pirate
I would go so far as to say he stank
We couldn’t even afford a dog
So he made me walk the plank

MY SONS ADHD MEDICINE

My sons ADHD medicine
Is in liquid form
And comes in a bottle
As would be the norm

But beneath the label
Is written “Concentrate”
Well if he could
That would be great

I USED TO ENJOY DIPPING

I used to enjoy dipping,
A Ginger Nut in hot tea
But that’s now considered
Bullying apparently

ARE YOU WEARING A SMOCK?

Are you wearing a smock?
As you tend to your flock
Well inside your frock
I would like to run amok

TRAFFIC COP – SERIOUS BUMMER

Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
But avoid the obvious bummer
By not asking the cop
If he is dumb or dumber

A Little Bit Of Humour # 25

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY

When the police caught me speeding
My eyes were strained and blinking
I was pulled over by a putz

Who said “Your eyes look red,
Have you been drinking?”
So with no ifs or buts

“Your eyes look glazed”
I responded without thinking
“Have you been eating doughnuts?”

ARE YOU WEARING SPIVS GARB?

Are you wearing spivs garb?
You are doubtless here to chisel
Hawking your counterfeit goods
Doubtless all sausage and no sizzle

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 302

Little girl, little girl where have you been?
Have you been visiting London Zoo
Or gathering roses to give to the Queen.
Oh you went to get another Tattoo

BACK IN 66

Back in 66
When I was just a boy
I was full of pride
Watching Nobby’s jig of joy
And when Bobby Moore
Was raised shoulder high
Holding the World Cup
It made every Scotsman cry

GOING VEGETARIAN

Going vegetarian
They say is very wholesome
My only concern
Is having to eat a whole one

GREAT ROYAL WIFE NEFERTITI

Great Royal wife Nefertiti
Was the Ancient Egyptian Queen
Good time girl Nefertutu
Is just a modern dancing Queen

I MESSED ABOUT A LOT AT SCHOOL

I messed about a lot at school
And always played the fool
So I was expelled from school
And spent my time playing pool
And turned out a proper tool

INCENTIVE SCHEME

If your staff tell you an
Incentive scheme is desired
Say “I have one for you”
Work hard or get fired

AFTER MY HOLIDAY

After my holiday
My inbox was full
And the backlog
Was diabolical

After four hours
However it transpired
From an email I found
That I was fired

IF YOU’RE LONELY AT WORK

If you’re lonely at work
And you find it self-defeating
There is only one thing for it
And that is to call a meeting

OUR COMPUTERS WENT DOWN

Our computers went down
At the office today
So we had to do things
The old fashioned way
But Doris had a pack of cards
So playing cards was ok

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2

My wife doesn’t go to the gym
She’s as skinny as a candle
As she gets all the exercise she needs
Just from flying off the handle

A Little Bit Of Humour # 24

TRAFFIC COP – DO YOU KNOW?

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
The cop asked me like a typical fuzz
“No officer I don’t, I hope you do,
I thinks it’s important that one of us does”

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HAIR DIFFERENTLY?

Are you wearing your hair differently?
It’s definitely some kind of reworking
No you’re not wearing your hair differently
I can clearly see now that it’s a merkin

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 303

There was a chandler making candles
For all the convent girls to handle
Where at night the Sister would shout
Its bed time girls so candles out

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 1

My wife doesn’t go to the gym
She doesn’t suffer from delusions
But she gets all the exercise she needs
Just from jumping to conclusions

THE TASTE UPON MY LIPS

The taste upon my lips
Of My moonlight kiss
And to taste that kiss again
Is my one and only wish

STOP THE TB CULLING

Stop the TB culling?
Not on my nadgers
Save the hedgehogs
And cull the badgers

SHOP PC

I went shopping in
PC World yesterday
You really have to
Watch what you say

FAVOURITE CAR

To find our favourite car
A survey has been done
And women have declared
That it is a red one

MY SOLICITOR SAID

My solicitor said
That he would get me
A very good Barrister

“I don’t need” I said
“Someone making coffee
Just get me a lawyer”

I AM TOTALLY UNAPPRECIATED AT WORK

I am totally unappreciated at work
I do a good job but unfortunately I fear
It’s akin to dribbling in your trousers
When you’re wearing a dark pair
You getting a comforting warm glow
But no one sees the piss patch there

DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE BOSS

Don’t worry about the boss
Finding out how little you do
Because he is the lazy shit
That’s more worried about you

OUR LONDON SCHOOL WAS AWASH

Our London school was awash
With drugs of various kinds
And it certainly wasn’t considered
A punishment to do lines

A Little Bit Of Humour # 23

IT WAS AT SOUTHWAITE SERVICES

It was at Southwaite services
Where I stopped though in a rush
And experienced for the first time
The disconcerting autoflush

I’m sure it’s quite an innovation
But it doesn’t work for me
When auto flush sprinkled my
Undercarriage Mid delivery

THE LAST OF THE SUMMER WHINE

No sooner had the stumps been pulled
Then the Vintage Aussie Whine was served
Made from their abundant sour grapes
It was to toast an English victory well deserved

DURING A PASSWORD AUDIT

During a password audit by the IT crowd,
They discovered something quite absurd
A young woman by the name of Bimbette
Who was using the following password
PughPughBarneyMcGrewCuthbertDibbleGrubb
And was told such a password was wrong
But Bimbette explained that she was told
Her password must be six characters long

WE HAD SEPARATE HOLIDAYS

We had separate holidays,
Because we thought
Absence would make
The heart grow fonder
But when we returned
To our home afterwards
We both wished
We’d stayed away for longer

I’M NOT SURE IF INDEED IT’S ME

I’m not sure if indeed it’s me
Or maybe its intentional irony
But you can hear the approach
Of the daily “Roach Coach”
The chime being the announcer
As it plays La Cucaracha

I HATE THE ONE PENCE PIECES

I hate the one pence pieces
5p’s and tuppence’s
I suppose you think it strange
But I simply don’t like change

AS WE APPROACHED THE AIRPORT

As we approached the airport
The warning light went on
And I had to return the stewardess
To the upright position

MY NEW GIRLFRIEND IS FROM GLASGOW

My new girlfriend is from Glasgow
And when I met her Father and Mother
I found they were incredibly posh,
They served deep fried Ferrero Rocher

HAS ANYONE EVER SAID TO YOU?

Has anyone ever said to you?
“Try and walk in someone else’s shoes”
Well I find that for me the concept is
Quite problematic to my views
After all it would have to depend
Greatly on exactly whose shoes

TRAFFIC COP – HOLD IT

When the police pulled me over
The reason wasn’t exactly clear
It could have been the speeding
That caused the police to appear
Or running several red lights
Or my complete inability to steer
Any of the above would have done it
Of that I am perfectly clear
But what I said to the officer
Was what really swung it I fear
“I can easily reach my license
If you would hold my beer”

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF SATISFACTION?

Are you wearing a look of satisfaction?
Well that blush is a tell-tale sight
You have clearly been indulging
In a spot of afternoon delight

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 304

There was a Ship sailed away to Spain
All the way there it was lashed with rain
And when they arrived at last in Spain
Where the rain didn’t fall in the main
As Higgins suggested on the plain

A Little Bit Of Humour # 22

MY UNCLE GROWS VEG

My uncle grows veg
Not for eating though
He is after prizes
At the garden show

Every waking hour
He nurtures and nurses
Mixing up solutions
As he coaxes and coerces

Enormous Marrows
Giant Asparagus
Towering Celery
And humungous fungus

THEY LACK COMMON SENSE

They lack Common sense
Their failing is immense
But in their defence
It’s the addled essence
Of their adolescence

IN THE LONDON MARATHON

In the London marathon
One of my friends ran
Dressed as a chicken
While another one ran
Dressed as an egg
I don’t know who came first

ON LIFE’S JOURNEY WE ARE ALL

On life’s journey we are all
Looking for the one
And I can safely say that I
Married the one
On a scale of one to ten
She was a one

I PICKED UP A HITCHHIKER TODAY

I picked up a hitchhiker today
I know you’re not supposed to
But as I knocked him down
It was the least I could do

I WATCHED A RIVETING DOCUMENTARY

I watched a riveting documentary
On television last night
It was all about how ships were
Put together by shipwrights

MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE’S MIDDLE CLASS

My girlfriend says she’s middle class
And I laugh in her face
She’s clearly working class
Because at her dads place
They have a television
That’s bigger than their bookcase

IT SEEMS THAT PORNOGRAPHY

It seems that pornography
Is frowned upon
But I think that’s just all
The concentration

IT’S NOT THE ANGLE OF DANGLE

It’s not the angle of dangle
That’s the measure of pleasure
It’s the moments in the afterglow
That we ultimately treasure

DO YOU WANT BABY SPINACH

“Do you want Baby Spinach?
Or Water Cress Dad”
My daughter asked me
And I went completely mad
“For God’s sake just choose one
It’s not Rocket Salad”

WHERE’S THE BLOODY TORCH

“Where’s the bloody Torch?”
My wife asked angrily
“I don’t know where it is
Perhaps you could enlighten me”
“Well not without the Torch”
I replied curtly

MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE’S WORKING CLASS

My girlfriend says she’s working class
And I just have to laugh
As not one of them as far as I can see
Has ever worked in her family