In the early evening as the flowing waters lapped against the side of barge I lapped at Pandy’s flowing waters and we made love again with the spring sunlight shining through the window, flooding the cabin in an orange glow.
It was getting dark as we left the barge and returned to the car.
“That was a very pleasant afternoon,” I said
“Wasn’t it” Pandora said with a grin.
“I’m not so sure that your sister in law won’t know that someone’s been there,” I said
“I know, we certainly left our mark on the bed linen” Pandora said with a chuckle
Pandora drove back along the same country lanes we had negotiated early, though with considerably less urgency on the homeward bound leg.
We journeyed in silence, lost in our own thoughts and I watched her as she drove, with a serene expression on her face until we reached the outskirts of the village when she said
“I love Harry”
The Harry she was referring to was Harry Beaumont, brother of Mortimer, who she had been seeing romantically since January.
“Good” I replied, “He’s a good man”
“But I don’t want to stop” she continued
“Stop what?” I asked although I knew what she meant
“You know what” she replied
“Harry is gentle thoughtful lover”
“But?” I interrupted
“But I want my eyes to roll back in my head and have toe curling orgasms once in a while” Pandora admitted
“I don’t want to stop either,” I said
“Why didn’t you say so before” she responded and slapped me
“Because I wanted to hear you say how much you wanted me,” I answered
Pandora blushed slightly and she smiled and took hold of my hand.
Pandora drove me back to the Golf club and dropped me in the car park.
“Are you coming in for a drink?” I asked
“I can’t darling” she said, “I’m desperately late as it is”
“Not even a quick one?” I asked
“I know your idea of a quick one” she laughed “Anyway you’ve monopolized my time all day”
“Time well spent though,” I said
“Definitely” she said
“Well if I can’t tempt you I’ll have to quench your thirst another time then” I said
“You normally do” Pandora shouted as she drove away and then I went in for a drink.
When I walked into the club lounge I found Geoff and Laura sitting at a table in the corner.
“Hello you two” I said leaning in to kiss her
“Hello Simon” Laura said
After shaking hands with Geoff I bought some drinks and sat down.
“We don’t often see you in here” I said
“We came in to chat with Georgia on her break” Geoff said
“Last minute details for the holiday”
This did not surprise me, as Geoff was a meticulous planner.
However on this occasion his problem was that and his plans had been interfered with.
On Sunday he was driving Laura and the girls to France where they were going to visit Euro Disney among other things before returning to the UK on Friday in time for Georgia and me to go away together.
Now when I say Geoff had planned the trip I mean he planned it to the nth degree.
Where they would go, where they would eat, duration of each visit etc.
However Laura and Georgia had thrown a spanner in the works because they wanted to spend a day in Paris doing some girlie shopping and this did not fit in Geoff’s literary in any way shape or form.
Just then Georgia appeared.
“Hi Hon” she said “I wasn’t expecting to see you here”
“I’ve been on the course all day” I said “I just came in for a quick one before going home”
I kissed her and went to get her a drink, when I returned to the table Georgia and Laura had ganged up on Geoff to get him to give in.
“Come on play fare you two,” I said
“But we really want to go shopping” Georgia said in a sulky teenager voice.
“Can we delay our trip by a day?”
“No” I replied, “it’s all booked”
“So that’s that then,” Georgia said sulkily
“Well not necessarily” I mused, “there is a compromise solution”
“What’s that?” Laura asked
“Well you can still do Geoff’s meticulously planned trip” I suggested “but instead of coming home on Friday go into Paris”
“But we have to get Georgia back on Friday” Geoff said
“Not if I meet up with you in Paris on Friday” I said
“We can stay at an Auberge”
“But what about your holiday?” Laura asked
“Well we stay in Paris for two night, the girls can spend Saturday shopping while Geoff and I can go and look at paintings of naked women in the Louvre” I paused “then on Sunday you Geoff and the twins come home and Georgia and I can leave for our holiday from Paris”
“We can leave from Paris?” Georgia “Where are we going then?”
“It’s a secret” I replied
There was silence for a short while as the three of them pondered my suggestion, looking for flaws in the plan.
Georgia’s expression changed as she had clearly thought of something and opened her mouth to speak but I interrupted her.
“You will need to pack for both trips, but don’t forget you can always treat yourself to some new clothes in Paris”
“It’s a sound plan as far as I can see” Geoff said which, was high praise indeed.
“I think it will be great,” Laura said
“Me too” Georgia said and then kissed me and then whispered
“I’ll by new underwear too”
“That’s a plan then?” I asked and everyone concurred
“Ok I’ll book the Auberge tomorrow” I said “my treat and no arguments”
Although I’d only had two pints at the club I felt a bit pissed when I got home, but then I hadn’t eaten since breakfast and I’d expended a lot of energy one way and another.
So I made myself beans on toast and then went to bed.
On Saturday morning I was starving hungry so I made myself a full English breakfast.
After which I set about making the changes to the holiday arrangements.
First of all I went on line to find a suitable place for everyone to stay.
I finally settled on an Auberge in Marly-le-Roi in the
Western suburbs of Paris.
So I made the booking and emailed all the details to Geoff so he could integrate it into his holiday pack.
Georgia worked on Saturday at the club and then spent the night with me but she left early on Sunday morning so she could finish her packing.
She would have left earlier had she not insisted on farewell shag.
After she had gone I showered, breakfasted and went down to St Lucy’s for some spiritual refreshment.
After the service I walked around to the Gregory’s just in time to wave them off.
Then I went home and settled down to work.
I had quite a bit to catch up with so I slowly plodded on through my emails, when I reached one from my agent Lionel Bloom.
There was a document attached so I clicked on it and I couldn’t believe my eyes.
I picked up the phone and selected his number.
“Lionel Bloom” the voice said
“Lionel” I said “Sorry to disturb you on a Sunday”
“You’ve seen the email then” he said
“I have” I replied “are those figures correct?”
“Absolutely kosher” he answered
“Then the decimal point isn’t in the wrong place?” I asked
“No its not” I said and laughed
The subject matter of the email was the first set of revenue figures for the Overend recordings, and the numbers were incredible.
Easy street incredible.
My royalties for the previous year were quite substantial and more than enough to live comfortably on but this other money was in a league of its own and it was only for the first few months of the year.
I had to do something with it and thinking what course of action to take occupied me for the rest of the day.
On Monday I needed to make the change to the time and location of departure for mine and Georgia’s holiday and for that, as the itinerary was quite complicated, I contacted my travel agent, also known as Olivia Adamson, Practice manager of the village surgery and organizational genius.
There was a small surcharge levied for the changes to the itinerary, which involved me helping Olivia out of her underwear and into a state of disgrace.
As Georgia was away in France I chose to spread the charges over a few days paying once in her office out of surgery hours, the second on the floor in my lounge and a third in the back of her car in the little secluded car park by the river that Pandora drove me to.
I thought that asking favours of Olivia was a much more enjoyable way of making reservation than doing it myself online.
I spoke to Lionel again on Tuesday and asked him to recommend an accountant of a solicitor or both to help me set up a trust fund or something like it.
He knew just the person his younger brother Emmanuelle he set up a meeting for me for the following day.
I was thrilled that Gerald Overend’s tapes and transcriptions were returning such a great sum of revenue but I felt a bit guilty, as they weren’t mine to benefit from.
So I decided that I wanted someone more deserving than me to benefit from it.
After meeting with Manny Bloom he confirmed there would be a sufficient stream of royalties to fund what I had in mind, namely two scholarship funds for pupils from St Lucy’s, one was the Gerald Overend Literary Scholarship and the other was the Katy Oliver Theology Scholarship.
That evening I phoned Eleanor Overend and gave her the news and she broke down in tears.
On Wednesday I arranged a meeting with the Vicar, Robert Hunter and the Headmistress of St Lucy’s, Donna Dauphinais, to discuss my proposal which was well received by them, but I asked that they put my offer forward at the next Governors meeting and would await their response.
The remainder of the day was spent completing my correspondence and typing up my notes onto my laptop.
This left just enough time for me to give Olivia the final installment of her surcharge in the back of her car.
“Come on then Olivia if you want me to pay” I said clambering into the back of the car.
We had already had a significant period of foreplay in the front and I was sitting in the middle of the back seat trouser-less and sporting a large erection still wet with her saliva as she opened the door and climbed in.
Olivia was not a big unit but she was a tall girl and she was sidling between me and the front seats like a cinema latecomer trying to get to her seat.
For some reason she wanted to be on the other side of me before we continued, I didn’t know nor understand her rationale and to be honest I didn’t really care.
But when she was at the zenith above my lap I lifted her skirt to expose her tidy buttocks and gripping her hips I pulled her downwards until her tight pussy enveloped me and she was squatting on my shaft.
Olivia gripped the headrests as she rose and fell on me, rising to the very tip of me on the up stroke and using every inch of my shaft on the down and the wonderfully dirty noises echoed around the car.
But despite her obvious ecstasy she lost none of her rhythm and her stamina showed no signs of wavering as she rode me right up to the point my aching balls were fit to burst and I gripped her boney hips until she milked me dry.
She finally relaxed breathless onto my lap and leaned back against me.
“Do I get a receipt for that” I asked
Monday 3 June 2013
An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 81) Randy Pandy
After a vigorous session of negotiations with Agnes Snipe in her office I crossed the fairway towards home thinking that it would be very interesting to see how the negotiations with “The Wicked Witch of the West” would develop over the coming months.
Dawn was breaking as I reached my back door and I smiled as I recalled how I left Agnes draped on her leather couch naked and despoiled breathing hard with her shaven Minge moist and bejeweled on full display.
I smiled to myself at the sight of the dragon slain in her lair by the good knight and his lance.
Though in truth she wasn’t the Witch or Dragon that she liked people to think she was.
I went inside and made coffee while the bath filled then I took my drink into the bathroom and had a long soak. After which I took myself off to bed.
When I got up it was after lunch and I felt fresh and revived until an hour later when Georgia came home and wore me out again.
First thing on Monday morning I dropped into the surgery to see Olivia.
I spoke to the receptionist and then waited by the desk.
After 5 minutes Olivia appeared.
“Good morning Mr Fisher” she said coldly
“Olivia” I said, “How are you”
“How can I help Mr Fisher?”
“That’s very formal from someone with an intimate knowledge of my kitchen floor” I whispered.
“Come into my office” she said
Once inside she closed the door
“You mustn’t talk about what happened after the funeral,” she said
“Why? Didn’t you enjoy it?” I asked
“You know I did, that’s not the point,” she said
“The warm Olivia was wonderful” I said “don’t let the cold one take over again”
There were a few moments of silence before she said
“I won’t”
“Good, now Claire left these things in my car on Friday” I said “Can you look after them for me?”
“Claire’s not in today” she said
“I know and I’m going with her,” I said
“Why couldn’t you give it to her yourself?” she asked
“Because I’m meeting her in Guildford, so tongues wont wag” I said “and I didn’t want to take all this on the train”
Olivia nodded
“Plus I wanted to touch base with you” I said and she blushed.
Until it was time to catch the train to meet Claire I busied myself writing and catching up with correspondence.
About 10.30am Georgia phoned me in a state of great excitement to tell me that Agnes Snipe had told her that we could have our first choice for the wedding reception, the date and the main ballroom because of a sudden cancellation.
“I don’t know what caused the sudden cancellation” she said “and I don’t care”
I think you might have cared had she known that I had to skewer Snipe on her desk to free up the date.
I met Claire in the car park at Guildford station and she drove to the to the specialists surgery.
I stayed with her throughout the procedure and then drove her home afterwards, which left me stranded, I hadn’t really thought it through, but in the end I got a cab to the station and got the train home.
When I got back to the village I went straight to the Vicarage, it was well into the afternoon by them and I met with the Vicar Robert Hunter to book St Lucy’s Church for the wedding.
“I think were booked up,” he said perusing the diary.
“Oh no” I said, “Georgia will be so disappointed”
“Don’t worry only kidding,” he said, “I’d already penciled it in”
“How did you know?” I asked
“I overheard Laura Gregory discussing it with Mrs. Beamish” he replied
“It was Tally’s idea to tell you it was taken” he said “isn’t she a wicked girl”
“If only you knew just how wicked,” I thought.
Later that afternoon I met Georgia from work and took her to the pictures.
The rest of the week Georgia was working double shifts so I found myself largely left in my own company, which I had to admit I had finally come to enjoy again.
On Thursday however my peace and tranquility was shattered by a visit from my cleaner Beryl Beamish.
“I’ll be spring cleaning tomorrow Mr. Fisher” she stated “All day”
“All day?” I responded
“It hasn’t had a thorough going over since the dear Vicar moved in,” she said quietly
“I had best make myself scarce for the day then” I said
“Thank you dear” she said using a term of endearment she had never used to me before Katy took up residence.
As luck would have it just as Beryl was leaving I saw Judith pull up on her drive.
So I stood on the path as she disembarked.
“Hi Simon” she said brightly “Everything ok?”
“Hi Judith” I replied “Mrs. B just told me I need to vacate the premises tomorrow”
Judith raised her eyebrows
“Spring cleaning” I said replying to her unasked question.
“Ah” she said sagely
“Are you and the girls playing tomorrow?” I asked
“Well Mortimer and I are” she replied and “Pandora and Harry were going to make up a foursome but Harry has to work so Pandy dropped out”
Mortimer and Harry were the Beaumont brothers and the romantic partners of the two ladies.
“If you phone Pandora you two could make up the four” she suggested
“Good idea, thanks Judith” I said and went back inside and phoned Pandora.
It was a pleasant morning as I stood waiting on the terrace for my party to arrive.
I only had to walk from the back of my house and across the 18th fairway so I normally arrived ahead of everyone else.
I looked at the sky and hoped it would stay fine as Claire still had my waterproofs in her car.
It was warmer than it had been over the previous week, with the skies a mainly blue expanse broken only by the occasional passing cloud of fluffy white.
The wind was very light and I thought unlikely to affect anyone’s game adversely that day so I was expecting a pleasant round.
Considering the beautiful weather the course wasn’t overly busy.
Judith and Mortimer arrived about ten minutes ahead of Pandora who appeared in typical Pandora style on time to the minute.
She was looking as lovely as the weather, immaculately turned out as usual.
She was wearing her trademark large peaked white cap with her shortish blonde hair scraped into a ponytail sticking out the back.
The rest of her outfit was all matching, predominately white with jade trim, Polo shirt, short flared skirt and ankle socks.
Her ensemble was then finished off with white Golf shoes and a Jade green glove.
And I knew from past experience that her sports bra and knickers would continue the colour theme.
Now I had noticed that ever since I had started writing bodice rippers, which are according to my mother effectively soft porn,
I seemed to be permanently horny and I looked at every woman with a renewed appreciation.
When I first started I did exclude certain women from the gaze of my pornographer’s eye.
But shagging Victoria Braithwaite, Olivia Adamson and Agnes Snipe had taught me not to be too judgmental.
We tee-ed off at 8.30am and we expected it to be a leisurely round as there was no one waiting behind us.
I smiled as Pandora bent down to tee her ball as I noticed that as I suspected she was wearing white knickers with jade green piping.
I thought to myself that even if I didn’t live in a perpetual state of horniness, and I hadn’t enjoyed Pandora on a number of occasions I would still consider her to be a very attractive woman.
I’m not sure if it was because I was a scribbler of slutty romances that I studied and appreciated her finer points or that I was just a dog.
The way her hips moved when she struck the ball or the way her tits kept moving long after the ball had gone.
The way she wiggled as she walked down the fairway or the way her buttocks clenched when she was preparing to putt.
I think it was probably because I was a man and she was fit.
We were playing match play and it was Pandora and I against Mortimer and Judith.
After we had all hit our tee shots we set off, Pandy and I on foot and Morty and Jude in a buggy.
Well despite my horniness and the distraction of Pandora bending over and flashing her draws I managed to card a pretty fair score and Pandora was having a good round as well so by the time we reached the 7th tee we were two holes up on the others.
On the seventh fairway all four of us had hit to the same part of the fairway and our balls finished up about 20 yards apart.
Up to that point Pandora and I had walked and the other two had ridden but as all our balls were so close Mortimer suggested we all climb aboard.
Mortimer was driving, Judith was riding shotgun, and I shared the back seat with the golf bags so Pandora sat on my lap.
Now all morning I had been in my usual state of semi arousal as I often was when around Pandora but as she climbed onto the cart to sit on my lap her perfume engulfed me my arousal escalated.
Once she had climbed aboard my lap she was positioned, either by accident or design, right over my cock.
“Is everyone aboard?” Morti asked
“Yes” Pandora and I said in unison.
Mortimer took it quite steady but after about 10 yards we went over a bump and the whole buggy lurched and the lump in my shorts hit Pandora right on the money and she let out a yelp.
“Ok back there” Judith asked
“Yes all fine” Pandora said relaxing herself on my lap.
For the rest of the short journey I flexed the ravenous beast in my baggy shorts and tapped it repeatedly on her flange.
We all hit our second shots just short of the green and climbed back aboard the buggy and Pandora once again parked her pussy in prime position and insured a rose once more.
When we reached the apron Pandora lingered on my lap and when she finally dismounted she slithered off me and dragged her skirt right up off her arse.
She stood next to the buggy with her white knickered arse exposed and she appeared to be in no hurry to cover it again, so while Mortimer and Judith played their shots from a safe distance away I helped myself to a generous handful of plump buttock until it was time for us to play.
Unsurprisingly we halved that hole but over the next few holes we increased our lead over our opponents to 5, despite the fact Pandy’s game had gone to shit.
She sliced her tee shots into the trees and hit every ditch and pond in sight.
I took every opportunity to grope her as the game went on,
Every time she bent over I stroked her arse, or put my hand up her skirt and caressed her plump buttock.
But as we stood on the 13th fairway and I casually brushed her breast she snapped at me
“For God’s sake stop it Simon, stop pawing at me. Unless you’re going to back up the foreplay and shag me senseless”
“Well the sooner we finish this round then the sooner I’ll have these drawers round your ankles” I retorted pinging the elastic of her knickers
“And that happy end result won’t come to fruition if you keep hitting the ball like a novice”
After our little pep talk the old Pandora was back with a vengeance and we won every hole.
Even on the 17th, a tricky blind par three, she hit a birdie.
Despite it being the scene of her first debauchment at my hands she still held her nerve.
My game held together despite the fact I was handicapped by a permanent hard on, which never dwindle as Pandora was then either flaunting herself or actually grabbing my cock.
“This isn’t stroke play you know,” I said as she tugged my cock through shorts.
Pandora just carried on until Judith almost caught her at it and she walked away giggling.
That left just the par 5, 18th to complete the round.
Judith, Mortimer and I had all hit decent drives but as I stood watching Pandora’s pre swing wiggle I was so lost in my thoughts of sexual gratification with her that I almost failed to appreciate just how good a drive she subsequently hit.
“My God Pand you spanked that one good and proper” I said
“Hold that thought Simon” she replied with a leer and then strode off down the fairway with real purpose.
When she reached her ball, which had kicked on round the dogleg, we paced out the distance to 310 yards, the longest drive she had ever hit in her life.
“It’s amazing what being on a promise can do,” I said
Her second shot was equally impressive finishing on the front apron from where she chipped in for an eagle.
“Well that’s me done” She said then she whispered, “now hurry up”
The three of us all had to chip onto the green and then Judith putted out, shortly followed by Morty and then finally me, all of us finishing on par.
As we all walked towards where Pandora was waiting impatiently by the buggy Judith said
“Wow Pandora you were on fire on the back nine”
“I know, I don’t know what got into me,” she said
I knew that it wasn’t a case of what had got into her but the anticipation of what was going to.
There followed the usual post round banter and leg pulling as we headed towards the car park and we reached it Judith said
“We’re going skip lunch and go back to mine”
“Ok” Pandora said
“Do you want us to take your clubs for you Simon?” Judith asked while Mortimer was returning the buggy.
“Yes please” I replied, “that would be lovely”
And I loaded my clubs and shoes into the boot as Pandora was changing her footwear and then Mortimer returned.
“Thanks very much for the game” he said and kissed Pandora
“Hopefully next time Pandora won’t be so hot” he added and shook my hand
She’ll always be hot I thought releasing his hand and kissing Judith.
As we watched them drive out of the car park I said
“So what would you like to do?”
“I want to skip lunch as well” she replied “but what if they see us going into yours?”
“We can’t go to mine” I said, “Mrs. B has taken over the house”
“Shit” she retorted, “we can’t go to mine either, my sister is staying”
“So lunch after all then,” I said
“No chance” she said, “get in the car”
“Why?” I asked
“Just get in the car,” she ordered
I did what she said and got in car and buckled up tight as I knew it was going to be a white-knuckle ride.
Pandora raced out of the car park and headed off away from the village and also away from where she lived.
We went at speed into the country racing along narrow lanes that I was unfamiliar with.
We drove for about 15 nerve-jangling minutes until she suddenly turned off into a little car park by the river and came sharply to a halt.
“We have arrived,” she said
“Where are we?” I asked genuinely not knowing where the hell we were.
“Come on” she instructed and got out the car.
“But where are we?” I asked following her
“Shut up and keep walking” she retorted
I did as I was told but we only went about 20 yards along the riverbank before she climbed aboard a narrow boat.
“Hey what are you doing?” I said alarmed looking around to see if anyone was looking.
“Don’t panic” Pandora said mockingly as she picked up a plant pot and recovered a key that was hidden underneath it. “It’s my sister in law’s boat”
“Come on” she said brandishing the key like a trophy.
“Are we allowed?” I asked feebly
“They’re away in Florida” she answered and went down the companionway then she popped her head back up and added
“They’ll never know we were here”
“Oh, ok” I said and climbed aboard.
By the time I’d climbed down the companionway and closed the hatch behind me Pandora already had her skirt off and was pulling her polo off over her head.
She threw the polo onto the floor and stood in the middle of the cabin wearing her sports bra, matching pants and ankle socks.
“Your turn” she said
“No problem” I said and a minute later I was stripped down to my socks.
Pandora had slipped her hand down the front of her pristine white pants while I was stripping and when I was naked I grabbed my cock and tugged on it as I walked towards her.
“Now Mrs. Parkinson-Brown, I seem to remember some mention of a spanking,” I said
“Yes” she said “me too” and turned her back on me before slipping her drawers down and bending over the folding table.
Pandora had a beautiful bum and when I playfully slapped her it produced a delightful quiver of her buttock.
“Oh Simon” she said softly “Again”
I obliged her by alternating my handiwork distributing my strokes evenly across her cheeks.
She continued to make appreciative noises but my attention was now drawn to her glistening Minge.
“I think I want to play with this now” I said as my fingers entered her damp crack, when I say damp she would be best described as dripping.
“Mm” she responded
I continued fingering her and she moaned rhythmically to my touch and the tone of her moaning was as syrupy as her pussy.
Then I brought her to climax and it was time to fuck her.
I rubbed my knob along her wet slit and her juice bejeweled my knob before I pushed my shaft into her and she let out the loudest moan of pleasure as I entered, her velvet juices immersed my member like warm honey and she moaned audibly with pleasure.
When I was comfortable inside her I reached up and unceremoniously scooped up the front of her sports bra to release her ripe fruits, which I greedily groped and squeezed.
Her moans gave way to yelps and squeals growing ever more intense as my rhythm increased and then she screamed as her body shuddered in orgasm as I shot into her.
We continued our afternoon delight when Randy Pandy got me into the bed where she exacted more from my cock until we were completely spent and we slept.
Dawn was breaking as I reached my back door and I smiled as I recalled how I left Agnes draped on her leather couch naked and despoiled breathing hard with her shaven Minge moist and bejeweled on full display.
I smiled to myself at the sight of the dragon slain in her lair by the good knight and his lance.
Though in truth she wasn’t the Witch or Dragon that she liked people to think she was.
I went inside and made coffee while the bath filled then I took my drink into the bathroom and had a long soak. After which I took myself off to bed.
When I got up it was after lunch and I felt fresh and revived until an hour later when Georgia came home and wore me out again.
First thing on Monday morning I dropped into the surgery to see Olivia.
I spoke to the receptionist and then waited by the desk.
After 5 minutes Olivia appeared.
“Good morning Mr Fisher” she said coldly
“Olivia” I said, “How are you”
“How can I help Mr Fisher?”
“That’s very formal from someone with an intimate knowledge of my kitchen floor” I whispered.
“Come into my office” she said
Once inside she closed the door
“You mustn’t talk about what happened after the funeral,” she said
“Why? Didn’t you enjoy it?” I asked
“You know I did, that’s not the point,” she said
“The warm Olivia was wonderful” I said “don’t let the cold one take over again”
There were a few moments of silence before she said
“I won’t”
“Good, now Claire left these things in my car on Friday” I said “Can you look after them for me?”
“Claire’s not in today” she said
“I know and I’m going with her,” I said
“Why couldn’t you give it to her yourself?” she asked
“Because I’m meeting her in Guildford, so tongues wont wag” I said “and I didn’t want to take all this on the train”
Olivia nodded
“Plus I wanted to touch base with you” I said and she blushed.
Until it was time to catch the train to meet Claire I busied myself writing and catching up with correspondence.
About 10.30am Georgia phoned me in a state of great excitement to tell me that Agnes Snipe had told her that we could have our first choice for the wedding reception, the date and the main ballroom because of a sudden cancellation.
“I don’t know what caused the sudden cancellation” she said “and I don’t care”
I think you might have cared had she known that I had to skewer Snipe on her desk to free up the date.
I met Claire in the car park at Guildford station and she drove to the to the specialists surgery.
I stayed with her throughout the procedure and then drove her home afterwards, which left me stranded, I hadn’t really thought it through, but in the end I got a cab to the station and got the train home.
When I got back to the village I went straight to the Vicarage, it was well into the afternoon by them and I met with the Vicar Robert Hunter to book St Lucy’s Church for the wedding.
“I think were booked up,” he said perusing the diary.
“Oh no” I said, “Georgia will be so disappointed”
“Don’t worry only kidding,” he said, “I’d already penciled it in”
“How did you know?” I asked
“I overheard Laura Gregory discussing it with Mrs. Beamish” he replied
“It was Tally’s idea to tell you it was taken” he said “isn’t she a wicked girl”
“If only you knew just how wicked,” I thought.
Later that afternoon I met Georgia from work and took her to the pictures.
The rest of the week Georgia was working double shifts so I found myself largely left in my own company, which I had to admit I had finally come to enjoy again.
On Thursday however my peace and tranquility was shattered by a visit from my cleaner Beryl Beamish.
“I’ll be spring cleaning tomorrow Mr. Fisher” she stated “All day”
“All day?” I responded
“It hasn’t had a thorough going over since the dear Vicar moved in,” she said quietly
“I had best make myself scarce for the day then” I said
“Thank you dear” she said using a term of endearment she had never used to me before Katy took up residence.
As luck would have it just as Beryl was leaving I saw Judith pull up on her drive.
So I stood on the path as she disembarked.
“Hi Simon” she said brightly “Everything ok?”
“Hi Judith” I replied “Mrs. B just told me I need to vacate the premises tomorrow”
Judith raised her eyebrows
“Spring cleaning” I said replying to her unasked question.
“Ah” she said sagely
“Are you and the girls playing tomorrow?” I asked
“Well Mortimer and I are” she replied and “Pandora and Harry were going to make up a foursome but Harry has to work so Pandy dropped out”
Mortimer and Harry were the Beaumont brothers and the romantic partners of the two ladies.
“If you phone Pandora you two could make up the four” she suggested
“Good idea, thanks Judith” I said and went back inside and phoned Pandora.
It was a pleasant morning as I stood waiting on the terrace for my party to arrive.
I only had to walk from the back of my house and across the 18th fairway so I normally arrived ahead of everyone else.
I looked at the sky and hoped it would stay fine as Claire still had my waterproofs in her car.
It was warmer than it had been over the previous week, with the skies a mainly blue expanse broken only by the occasional passing cloud of fluffy white.
The wind was very light and I thought unlikely to affect anyone’s game adversely that day so I was expecting a pleasant round.
Considering the beautiful weather the course wasn’t overly busy.
Judith and Mortimer arrived about ten minutes ahead of Pandora who appeared in typical Pandora style on time to the minute.
She was looking as lovely as the weather, immaculately turned out as usual.
She was wearing her trademark large peaked white cap with her shortish blonde hair scraped into a ponytail sticking out the back.
The rest of her outfit was all matching, predominately white with jade trim, Polo shirt, short flared skirt and ankle socks.
Her ensemble was then finished off with white Golf shoes and a Jade green glove.
And I knew from past experience that her sports bra and knickers would continue the colour theme.
Now I had noticed that ever since I had started writing bodice rippers, which are according to my mother effectively soft porn,
I seemed to be permanently horny and I looked at every woman with a renewed appreciation.
When I first started I did exclude certain women from the gaze of my pornographer’s eye.
But shagging Victoria Braithwaite, Olivia Adamson and Agnes Snipe had taught me not to be too judgmental.
We tee-ed off at 8.30am and we expected it to be a leisurely round as there was no one waiting behind us.
I smiled as Pandora bent down to tee her ball as I noticed that as I suspected she was wearing white knickers with jade green piping.
I thought to myself that even if I didn’t live in a perpetual state of horniness, and I hadn’t enjoyed Pandora on a number of occasions I would still consider her to be a very attractive woman.
I’m not sure if it was because I was a scribbler of slutty romances that I studied and appreciated her finer points or that I was just a dog.
The way her hips moved when she struck the ball or the way her tits kept moving long after the ball had gone.
The way she wiggled as she walked down the fairway or the way her buttocks clenched when she was preparing to putt.
I think it was probably because I was a man and she was fit.
We were playing match play and it was Pandora and I against Mortimer and Judith.
After we had all hit our tee shots we set off, Pandy and I on foot and Morty and Jude in a buggy.
Well despite my horniness and the distraction of Pandora bending over and flashing her draws I managed to card a pretty fair score and Pandora was having a good round as well so by the time we reached the 7th tee we were two holes up on the others.
On the seventh fairway all four of us had hit to the same part of the fairway and our balls finished up about 20 yards apart.
Up to that point Pandora and I had walked and the other two had ridden but as all our balls were so close Mortimer suggested we all climb aboard.
Mortimer was driving, Judith was riding shotgun, and I shared the back seat with the golf bags so Pandora sat on my lap.
Now all morning I had been in my usual state of semi arousal as I often was when around Pandora but as she climbed onto the cart to sit on my lap her perfume engulfed me my arousal escalated.
Once she had climbed aboard my lap she was positioned, either by accident or design, right over my cock.
“Is everyone aboard?” Morti asked
“Yes” Pandora and I said in unison.
Mortimer took it quite steady but after about 10 yards we went over a bump and the whole buggy lurched and the lump in my shorts hit Pandora right on the money and she let out a yelp.
“Ok back there” Judith asked
“Yes all fine” Pandora said relaxing herself on my lap.
For the rest of the short journey I flexed the ravenous beast in my baggy shorts and tapped it repeatedly on her flange.
We all hit our second shots just short of the green and climbed back aboard the buggy and Pandora once again parked her pussy in prime position and insured a rose once more.
When we reached the apron Pandora lingered on my lap and when she finally dismounted she slithered off me and dragged her skirt right up off her arse.
She stood next to the buggy with her white knickered arse exposed and she appeared to be in no hurry to cover it again, so while Mortimer and Judith played their shots from a safe distance away I helped myself to a generous handful of plump buttock until it was time for us to play.
Unsurprisingly we halved that hole but over the next few holes we increased our lead over our opponents to 5, despite the fact Pandy’s game had gone to shit.
She sliced her tee shots into the trees and hit every ditch and pond in sight.
I took every opportunity to grope her as the game went on,
Every time she bent over I stroked her arse, or put my hand up her skirt and caressed her plump buttock.
But as we stood on the 13th fairway and I casually brushed her breast she snapped at me
“For God’s sake stop it Simon, stop pawing at me. Unless you’re going to back up the foreplay and shag me senseless”
“Well the sooner we finish this round then the sooner I’ll have these drawers round your ankles” I retorted pinging the elastic of her knickers
“And that happy end result won’t come to fruition if you keep hitting the ball like a novice”
After our little pep talk the old Pandora was back with a vengeance and we won every hole.
Even on the 17th, a tricky blind par three, she hit a birdie.
Despite it being the scene of her first debauchment at my hands she still held her nerve.
My game held together despite the fact I was handicapped by a permanent hard on, which never dwindle as Pandora was then either flaunting herself or actually grabbing my cock.
“This isn’t stroke play you know,” I said as she tugged my cock through shorts.
Pandora just carried on until Judith almost caught her at it and she walked away giggling.
That left just the par 5, 18th to complete the round.
Judith, Mortimer and I had all hit decent drives but as I stood watching Pandora’s pre swing wiggle I was so lost in my thoughts of sexual gratification with her that I almost failed to appreciate just how good a drive she subsequently hit.
“My God Pand you spanked that one good and proper” I said
“Hold that thought Simon” she replied with a leer and then strode off down the fairway with real purpose.
When she reached her ball, which had kicked on round the dogleg, we paced out the distance to 310 yards, the longest drive she had ever hit in her life.
“It’s amazing what being on a promise can do,” I said
Her second shot was equally impressive finishing on the front apron from where she chipped in for an eagle.
“Well that’s me done” She said then she whispered, “now hurry up”
The three of us all had to chip onto the green and then Judith putted out, shortly followed by Morty and then finally me, all of us finishing on par.
As we all walked towards where Pandora was waiting impatiently by the buggy Judith said
“Wow Pandora you were on fire on the back nine”
“I know, I don’t know what got into me,” she said
I knew that it wasn’t a case of what had got into her but the anticipation of what was going to.
There followed the usual post round banter and leg pulling as we headed towards the car park and we reached it Judith said
“We’re going skip lunch and go back to mine”
“Ok” Pandora said
“Do you want us to take your clubs for you Simon?” Judith asked while Mortimer was returning the buggy.
“Yes please” I replied, “that would be lovely”
And I loaded my clubs and shoes into the boot as Pandora was changing her footwear and then Mortimer returned.
“Thanks very much for the game” he said and kissed Pandora
“Hopefully next time Pandora won’t be so hot” he added and shook my hand
She’ll always be hot I thought releasing his hand and kissing Judith.
As we watched them drive out of the car park I said
“So what would you like to do?”
“I want to skip lunch as well” she replied “but what if they see us going into yours?”
“We can’t go to mine” I said, “Mrs. B has taken over the house”
“Shit” she retorted, “we can’t go to mine either, my sister is staying”
“So lunch after all then,” I said
“No chance” she said, “get in the car”
“Why?” I asked
“Just get in the car,” she ordered
I did what she said and got in car and buckled up tight as I knew it was going to be a white-knuckle ride.
Pandora raced out of the car park and headed off away from the village and also away from where she lived.
We went at speed into the country racing along narrow lanes that I was unfamiliar with.
We drove for about 15 nerve-jangling minutes until she suddenly turned off into a little car park by the river and came sharply to a halt.
“We have arrived,” she said
“Where are we?” I asked genuinely not knowing where the hell we were.
“Come on” she instructed and got out the car.
“But where are we?” I asked following her
“Shut up and keep walking” she retorted
I did as I was told but we only went about 20 yards along the riverbank before she climbed aboard a narrow boat.
“Hey what are you doing?” I said alarmed looking around to see if anyone was looking.
“Don’t panic” Pandora said mockingly as she picked up a plant pot and recovered a key that was hidden underneath it. “It’s my sister in law’s boat”
“Come on” she said brandishing the key like a trophy.
“Are we allowed?” I asked feebly
“They’re away in Florida” she answered and went down the companionway then she popped her head back up and added
“They’ll never know we were here”
“Oh, ok” I said and climbed aboard.
By the time I’d climbed down the companionway and closed the hatch behind me Pandora already had her skirt off and was pulling her polo off over her head.
She threw the polo onto the floor and stood in the middle of the cabin wearing her sports bra, matching pants and ankle socks.
“Your turn” she said
“No problem” I said and a minute later I was stripped down to my socks.
Pandora had slipped her hand down the front of her pristine white pants while I was stripping and when I was naked I grabbed my cock and tugged on it as I walked towards her.
“Now Mrs. Parkinson-Brown, I seem to remember some mention of a spanking,” I said
“Yes” she said “me too” and turned her back on me before slipping her drawers down and bending over the folding table.
Pandora had a beautiful bum and when I playfully slapped her it produced a delightful quiver of her buttock.
“Oh Simon” she said softly “Again”
I obliged her by alternating my handiwork distributing my strokes evenly across her cheeks.
She continued to make appreciative noises but my attention was now drawn to her glistening Minge.
“I think I want to play with this now” I said as my fingers entered her damp crack, when I say damp she would be best described as dripping.
“Mm” she responded
I continued fingering her and she moaned rhythmically to my touch and the tone of her moaning was as syrupy as her pussy.
Then I brought her to climax and it was time to fuck her.
I rubbed my knob along her wet slit and her juice bejeweled my knob before I pushed my shaft into her and she let out the loudest moan of pleasure as I entered, her velvet juices immersed my member like warm honey and she moaned audibly with pleasure.
When I was comfortable inside her I reached up and unceremoniously scooped up the front of her sports bra to release her ripe fruits, which I greedily groped and squeezed.
Her moans gave way to yelps and squeals growing ever more intense as my rhythm increased and then she screamed as her body shuddered in orgasm as I shot into her.
We continued our afternoon delight when Randy Pandy got me into the bed where she exacted more from my cock until we were completely spent and we slept.
Tales of Love # 3
I WOULD HAVE GIVEN HER MY WORLD
I would have given her my world
I would have made myself into a mug
I would have done all this and more
Just to feel the warmth of a single hug
FLEET YOUNG FOOTSTEPS
Fleet young footsteps
In a headlong rush
Running towards romance
Barefoot in the meadow grass
Love-struck on a woodland path
Sprinting along the beach
Splashing through the water’s edge
And into the arms of love
YOU HAVE MADE AN ERROR
You have made an error
If you have to run
Barefoot on hot coals
Hotter than the burning sun
Just to prove to them
That you are their only one
ATTITUDE LATTITUDE
Such was her attitude
She felt gratitude
For her beatitude
At ending her solitude
SHE WAS PETITE
She was petite
And beautiful
A gentle glowing face,
Open and friendly
With intelligent eyes,
Like sparkling sapphires
A smile played about
Her honey sweet lips,
So soft and pink
Her hair the shade
Of ripened corn
Blew in the breeze
She was petite
And beautiful
And totally out of reach
BENEATH THE MOONLIT SKY
Beneath the moonlit sky
The romantic feeling grows
And on that star filled night
Love blossomed like a rose
I WOULD PUT YOU ON A PEDESTAL
I would put you on a pedestal
and prostrate myself before you
I would worship you like a god
I would proffer my heart
On an ornate silver platter.
For your avaricious consumption
I would give you all my love
Unconditionally, unrequited
And thank you for your indifference
I would cherish you in my life,
Even if you broke my heart in pieces.
I would look upon you lovingly
And gratefully receive your look of disdain
All this I would happily endure
Just to feel, for the briefest moment
The warmth of your embrace
ALL FOR THE SAKE OF LOVE
He carried her books home from school
All for the sake of love
They kissed on the back row of the pictures
All for the sake of love
They walked down the aisle in June
All for the sake of love
they happily lived in a one bedroom flat
All for the sake of love
They worked hard and scrimped and saved
All for the sake of love
They became a family in a bigger home
All for the sake of love
She divorced him after five years of marriage
All for the sake of lust
SHE SPOKE SWEETLY
She spoke sweetly
With a song birds melody
But within the beauty
One word could slay me
YOU TOOK ME BY STORM
You took me by storm
Broke my resistance
Conquered my heart
Quite mercilessly
But on the way
To capturing my heart
You tainted me
I would have given her my world
I would have made myself into a mug
I would have done all this and more
Just to feel the warmth of a single hug
FLEET YOUNG FOOTSTEPS
Fleet young footsteps
In a headlong rush
Running towards romance
Barefoot in the meadow grass
Love-struck on a woodland path
Sprinting along the beach
Splashing through the water’s edge
And into the arms of love
YOU HAVE MADE AN ERROR
You have made an error
If you have to run
Barefoot on hot coals
Hotter than the burning sun
Just to prove to them
That you are their only one
ATTITUDE LATTITUDE
Such was her attitude
She felt gratitude
For her beatitude
At ending her solitude
SHE WAS PETITE
She was petite
And beautiful
A gentle glowing face,
Open and friendly
With intelligent eyes,
Like sparkling sapphires
A smile played about
Her honey sweet lips,
So soft and pink
Her hair the shade
Of ripened corn
Blew in the breeze
She was petite
And beautiful
And totally out of reach
BENEATH THE MOONLIT SKY
Beneath the moonlit sky
The romantic feeling grows
And on that star filled night
Love blossomed like a rose
I WOULD PUT YOU ON A PEDESTAL
I would put you on a pedestal
and prostrate myself before you
I would worship you like a god
I would proffer my heart
On an ornate silver platter.
For your avaricious consumption
I would give you all my love
Unconditionally, unrequited
And thank you for your indifference
I would cherish you in my life,
Even if you broke my heart in pieces.
I would look upon you lovingly
And gratefully receive your look of disdain
All this I would happily endure
Just to feel, for the briefest moment
The warmth of your embrace
ALL FOR THE SAKE OF LOVE
He carried her books home from school
All for the sake of love
They kissed on the back row of the pictures
All for the sake of love
They walked down the aisle in June
All for the sake of love
they happily lived in a one bedroom flat
All for the sake of love
They worked hard and scrimped and saved
All for the sake of love
They became a family in a bigger home
All for the sake of love
She divorced him after five years of marriage
All for the sake of lust
SHE SPOKE SWEETLY
She spoke sweetly
With a song birds melody
But within the beauty
One word could slay me
YOU TOOK ME BY STORM
You took me by storm
Broke my resistance
Conquered my heart
Quite mercilessly
But on the way
To capturing my heart
You tainted me
Tales of Love # 2
WE WERE ONCE INSEPARABLE # 2
We were once inseparable
Tied with the bonds of love
But when the day came
When bonds become restraints
Love melted into the ether
And the ties that bound
Turned inexorably to dust
AT THE NUPTIAL ALTAR
A girl in virgin white
An intangible essence
A trembling creature
Wantonly pure
At the nuptial altar
Bearing passions blush
Blooming on her cheeks
Belying her innocence
Her thoughts portraying
Through lustful overtones
The girls growing want
Then without regret
A kiss preludes
Innocent stripped away.
And a woman remains
THEY WALKED HAND IN HAND
They walked hand in hand
Through tarragon fields
Where young lovers dream
And reticence yields
A SYLPH LIKE CREATURE
A sylph like creature,
A breath of wind might dispel
An elemental presence
Slight and graceful
Mercurial nymph
Spirit of nature
Beautiful young woman
A sylph like creature
I COULDN’T HOLD YOU IN MY COASTAL WATERS
I couldn’t hold you in my Coastal waters
When the Ocean tugged at your heart
So you slipped your moorings
And floated away into the dark
To deeper waters under moon-lit skies
That is where your heart resides
The sea is your only mistress
Your blood flows in unison with the tides
Happiness is a deck beneath your feet
In the teeth of a gale or the heart of a squall
While I wait for you on dry land
Praying for the day you make land fall
WHAT MY HEART YEARNS FOR MOST
What my heart yearns for most,
The thing that I really miss,
What keeps my passion burning
Is the thought of your sensual kiss
LOVERS WALK IN HAND
Lovers walk in hand
Thru summers scented meadow
With lustful intent
HIS AIM IS DEADLY
His aim is deadly
When cupids arrow lets fly
No one can escape
I WOULD HAVE GIVEN HER THE WORLD
I would have given her the world
I‘d have written her name in the stars.
I would have given her what was mine
And not demanded that it be ours
Or I’d have sold my soul to the devil
Yes I would have done all this
I would have done all this and more
And in return, receive a single loving kiss
I LOVED HER SO MUCH
I loved her so much
I forgot about me
I surrendered myself
I just thought about we
I loved her so much
I always thought about us
But behind my back
She abused my trust.
We were once inseparable
Tied with the bonds of love
But when the day came
When bonds become restraints
Love melted into the ether
And the ties that bound
Turned inexorably to dust
AT THE NUPTIAL ALTAR
A girl in virgin white
An intangible essence
A trembling creature
Wantonly pure
At the nuptial altar
Bearing passions blush
Blooming on her cheeks
Belying her innocence
Her thoughts portraying
Through lustful overtones
The girls growing want
Then without regret
A kiss preludes
Innocent stripped away.
And a woman remains
THEY WALKED HAND IN HAND
They walked hand in hand
Through tarragon fields
Where young lovers dream
And reticence yields
A SYLPH LIKE CREATURE
A sylph like creature,
A breath of wind might dispel
An elemental presence
Slight and graceful
Mercurial nymph
Spirit of nature
Beautiful young woman
A sylph like creature
I COULDN’T HOLD YOU IN MY COASTAL WATERS
I couldn’t hold you in my Coastal waters
When the Ocean tugged at your heart
So you slipped your moorings
And floated away into the dark
To deeper waters under moon-lit skies
That is where your heart resides
The sea is your only mistress
Your blood flows in unison with the tides
Happiness is a deck beneath your feet
In the teeth of a gale or the heart of a squall
While I wait for you on dry land
Praying for the day you make land fall
WHAT MY HEART YEARNS FOR MOST
What my heart yearns for most,
The thing that I really miss,
What keeps my passion burning
Is the thought of your sensual kiss
LOVERS WALK IN HAND
Lovers walk in hand
Thru summers scented meadow
With lustful intent
HIS AIM IS DEADLY
His aim is deadly
When cupids arrow lets fly
No one can escape
I WOULD HAVE GIVEN HER THE WORLD
I would have given her the world
I‘d have written her name in the stars.
I would have given her what was mine
And not demanded that it be ours
Or I’d have sold my soul to the devil
Yes I would have done all this
I would have done all this and more
And in return, receive a single loving kiss
I LOVED HER SO MUCH
I loved her so much
I forgot about me
I surrendered myself
I just thought about we
I loved her so much
I always thought about us
But behind my back
She abused my trust.
Tales of Love # 1
WE WERE ONCE INSEPARABLE # 1
We were once inseparable
Soul mates incarnate
Held by an eternal bond
As strong as tungsten
Yet soft as pure silk
I thought our union
Would last for ever
Even to the end of eternity
But the bonds that held us
Have disappeared
Like tears in the rain
I WAS LEFT DIMINISHED
I was left diminished
When your light went out
It left a shadow on my soul
And my heart was left
As an empty vessel
By your absence
You now walk
In heavens light
Surrounded by Gods love
With angels song
On the scented air
As I sit cold and alone
In the home we shared
A place full of memories
Where once I felt so at home
Now I wish to be there no more
Reminded every waking moment
Of my cruel loss
So I sit alone and crave
The moment of my own passing
So our souls will be reunited
And we can be together once more
IN THIS AMPHITHEATRE OF HOPE
In this amphitheatre of hope
I've made a life for me
With the woman of my dreams
Made manifest for all to see
Like an object and its shadow
She is every bit a part of me
Our souls as one element
Infinitely joined for all to see
I SEE THE BRIGHT STARS HIGH ABOVE ME
I see the bright stars high above me
I almost feel they are a part of me
But as each one sparkles like a gem
I know one day I will be part of them
I HAD A VIVID DREAM
I had a vivid dream
And you were there
Lovely as the day we met.
I smelt your perfume
It was heavenly
A fragrance so evocative
I was intoxicated
It was blessed Euphoria.
I felt your caress
Tender like the first time
It was so real
My flesh tingled
The hairs on my neck stood up.
I kissed your lips
Like I did so many times
And my heart missed a beat
Just as it always did.
I would have stayed with you
Forever in your embrace
I wanted to stay
But I was dragged away
To awake in the real world
Where you no longer reside
And I was once again alone
But for a short time
I had you back
Even if it was just a dream
But what a special dream
A priceless dream
A dream, that if I could
I would dream again and again
SHE WAS A TAXI DANCER
She was a Taxi dancer
10 cents a dance
He was a patron
And they were dance partners
Each night he would be there
A pocket full of tickets
Each night he looked for her
And they danced all night
He lived for the dances
All day he watched the clock
All night he danced with her
He thought she was special
He hoped he was too
But she was a Taxi dancer
10 cents a dance
She liked to dance
But she liked her commission more
He was just a pocketful of tickets
Nothing more than a cash cow
Who lost his heart
To a dime-a-dance girl
GRACILE
Moving Gracefully
Like a snow white swan
On a glassy lake.
You came into my life
Like an angel
Descending from heaven
On pure white wings
You changed me forever
But your gracile elegance
Mesmerized me
And blinkered me
To your true nature
Because hidden from me
Beneath the surface
And belying the grace
You were no angel
SETTING SAIL
Though you have been
A fair wind
Billowing my sails
My heart still craves
New shores
To beach my skiff upon
And it aches
For fresh new lands
Beneath my feet
So I must go
For you deserve better
And it would not
Be fair on you
If I were to settle
For my first port of call
IT WAS MORE THAN THAT
It wasn’t the sugar sweet
Words of love
From your mouth
That made me love you
It was more than that
It wasn’t the honey coated
Sensual kisses
From your sultry lips
That kept me loving you
It was more than that
It wasn’t the wonderful
Toe curling joy of sex
That cemented
My endless love for you
It was more than that
It was then and is now
The essence that is you
Shining from within
That won my heart
BENEATH THE STAR FILLED SKY
Beneath the star filled sky
Moonlight bathed the sand
As we danced barefoot
Around the camp fire
With sand between our toes
And romance in our hearts
A Little Bit Of Humour # 14
ARE YOU WEARING A PETTICOAT?
Are you wearing a petticoat?
Are they were still in vogue?
That’s delightful apparel
For a lascivious old rogue
I’M A CRUMPET MAN
I’m a crumpet man
I don’t mind confessin’
But equally I like
Buns, baps and muffin
I WAS OUT ON THE LASH ON SATURDAY NIGHT
I was out on the lash on Saturday night
But I think it ended in disgrace
As I woke up in a skip next morning
With a kebab stuck to my face
I HATE AUTOMATED SWITCHBOARDS
I hate automated switchboards
They are so annoyingly slow
I wanted to book tickets
For an Elvis act a know
Each minute on the phone
Was costing me dough
Then at last it said press 1
For the money, 2 for the show
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 298
Taffy was a Welshman,
Taffy was a thief;
Taffy came to my house
And stole a piece of beef.
I should mention in the interest
Of political correctness
That not all Welshmen
Are called taffy
And not all Welshmen
Are thieves or indeed
Have a liking for someone else’s beef.
But this particular Welshman
In the 18th Century Nursery Rhyme
Was indeed called taffy
And he was a thieving bastard
“Taffy was a Welshman was an actual nursery rhyme
Popularised in the 18th Century, so don’t blame me”
ARE YOU WEARING PYJAMAS?
Are you wearing pyjamas?
And they’re Flannelette no less
I’m sure they are very comfy
But I was hoping for a nightdress
Or preferably as it is our
Wedding night, considerably less
WHERE THE WHITE RABBIT WENT
Where the white rabbit went
Then young Alice followed
And down a rabbit hole they went
And both of them were swallowed
THE FAIR GAME
The moment I first saw her
Was at the county fair
She was in a summer dress
And fiddling with her hair
It was love at first sight
When I saw her there
She smiled at me and said
Her name was Claire
We had a nice time together
But later when she was bare
Was when we could truly say
We had all the fun of the fair
ARE YOU WEARING A ONESIE? # 1
Are you wearing a onesie?
I didn’t know you were the type
But you have surprised me
And yes I like the tiger stripe
Well yes I don’t mind if I do
It’s very soft to the touch
Yes I’d like to feel inside
Thank you so very much
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 299
Taffy was a Welshman
He came from Porthcawl
I think if he were from Cardiff
He’d hardly be Welsh at all
“Taffy was a Welshman was an actual nursery rhyme
Popularised in the 18th Century, so don’t blame me”
ARE YOU WEARING A ONESIE? # 2
Are you wearing a onesie?
I didn’t know you were the type
But you have surprised me
And yes I like the tiger stripe
It’s rather a shapeless thing
Am I being picky and choosy?
To be honest I don’t like it
But I’d like to see your twosie
RISE AND SHINE
In the morning
My dad used to
Throw back the curtains
And loudly say
“Wakey, wakey
Rise and shine”
Well as a teenager
“Rise” I could manage
But “shine”
Was never going to happen
ARE YOU WEARING AN UNDERSKIRT?
Are you wearing an underskirt?
I can see it beneath your hem
Oh its imported silk is it?
Oh yes of course I like them
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 296
Rainbow to windward
Stay indoors allday
Rainbow to leeward
Let’s go out to play
ARE YOU WEARING SHADES?
Are you wearing shades?
Yes they do look cool
Though not really suitable
And I would say as a rule
Wearing them in a cinema
Make’s you look a fool
Are you wearing a petticoat?
Are they were still in vogue?
That’s delightful apparel
For a lascivious old rogue
I’M A CRUMPET MAN
I’m a crumpet man
I don’t mind confessin’
But equally I like
Buns, baps and muffin
I WAS OUT ON THE LASH ON SATURDAY NIGHT
I was out on the lash on Saturday night
But I think it ended in disgrace
As I woke up in a skip next morning
With a kebab stuck to my face
I HATE AUTOMATED SWITCHBOARDS
I hate automated switchboards
They are so annoyingly slow
I wanted to book tickets
For an Elvis act a know
Each minute on the phone
Was costing me dough
Then at last it said press 1
For the money, 2 for the show
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 298
Taffy was a Welshman,
Taffy was a thief;
Taffy came to my house
And stole a piece of beef.
I should mention in the interest
Of political correctness
That not all Welshmen
Are called taffy
And not all Welshmen
Are thieves or indeed
Have a liking for someone else’s beef.
But this particular Welshman
In the 18th Century Nursery Rhyme
Was indeed called taffy
And he was a thieving bastard
“Taffy was a Welshman was an actual nursery rhyme
Popularised in the 18th Century, so don’t blame me”
ARE YOU WEARING PYJAMAS?
Are you wearing pyjamas?
And they’re Flannelette no less
I’m sure they are very comfy
But I was hoping for a nightdress
Or preferably as it is our
Wedding night, considerably less
WHERE THE WHITE RABBIT WENT
Where the white rabbit went
Then young Alice followed
And down a rabbit hole they went
And both of them were swallowed
THE FAIR GAME
The moment I first saw her
Was at the county fair
She was in a summer dress
And fiddling with her hair
It was love at first sight
When I saw her there
She smiled at me and said
Her name was Claire
We had a nice time together
But later when she was bare
Was when we could truly say
We had all the fun of the fair
ARE YOU WEARING A ONESIE? # 1
Are you wearing a onesie?
I didn’t know you were the type
But you have surprised me
And yes I like the tiger stripe
Well yes I don’t mind if I do
It’s very soft to the touch
Yes I’d like to feel inside
Thank you so very much
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 299
Taffy was a Welshman
He came from Porthcawl
I think if he were from Cardiff
He’d hardly be Welsh at all
“Taffy was a Welshman was an actual nursery rhyme
Popularised in the 18th Century, so don’t blame me”
ARE YOU WEARING A ONESIE? # 2
Are you wearing a onesie?
I didn’t know you were the type
But you have surprised me
And yes I like the tiger stripe
It’s rather a shapeless thing
Am I being picky and choosy?
To be honest I don’t like it
But I’d like to see your twosie
RISE AND SHINE
In the morning
My dad used to
Throw back the curtains
And loudly say
“Wakey, wakey
Rise and shine”
Well as a teenager
“Rise” I could manage
But “shine”
Was never going to happen
ARE YOU WEARING AN UNDERSKIRT?
Are you wearing an underskirt?
I can see it beneath your hem
Oh its imported silk is it?
Oh yes of course I like them
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 296
Rainbow to windward
Stay indoors allday
Rainbow to leeward
Let’s go out to play
ARE YOU WEARING SHADES?
Are you wearing shades?
Yes they do look cool
Though not really suitable
And I would say as a rule
Wearing them in a cinema
Make’s you look a fool
A Little Bit Of Humour # 13
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 295
Solomon Grundie,
Born on Monday,
but nothing else
In his life rhymed
ARE YOU WEARING AN UNDERSLIP?
Are you wearing an underslip?
Are you really by thunder
Would you like to slip out of it
Or should I just slip under
OPULENCE
He was opulence itself
With his lavish display
Of wealth and affluence
By means quite ample,
His riches clearly abundant
To put it another way
And to use the vernacular
He was totally Minted
WHAT’S THE POINT OF BEING AN ADULT
What’s the point of being
An adult if, when you wish
You can’t once in a while
Behave a little childish
BEEF AND CHICKEN
I’m used to the term
Surf and turf on a menu
If you want meat and seafood
But now if you want to
Eat Beef and Chicken together
You order Leather and feather
SO PLEASE MAKE NO MISTAKE
There is definitely a difference,
So please make no mistake,
Between a bag of crisps and a condom
One of them you salt and shake
SATURDAY NIGHT TREAT
On a Saturday night when I’ve had some a ale
There is one thing that delights without fail
And it’s the only thing that will satisfy me
And that’s Donna on a spit for all to see
WHAT A DAY
On Monday he was grumpy
He was happy on Tuesday
So God knows what kind
Of a dwarf he’ll be today
SHOP ASSISTANCE
I was shopping
With my wife
And we found ourselves
In the alcohol isle
But couldn’t decide
What we should get
So we asked the man
Filling the shelf
What he would recommend
He gave us both
A cursory glance
Before he responded
“I think Crabbies for Madam
And for sir,
The Old Peculiar”
Cheeky git
We bought a case
Of Wine as well
A SMALL PRANG
I had a crash with another car
It was my fault, Granted
And the “little man” got out
And God how he ranted
“I’m not happy” he shouted
“I’m not happy” he said again
I just and smiled and said
“Which one are you then?”
CHRONIC CONTRADICTION
I am definitely not getting past it
I’m sorry I have to contradict
But my back trouble is a result
Of being Athletic, not arthritic
VINDALOO
He had the Tarka Vindaloo
The rotter
It’s like Chicken Vindaloo
But its otter
I WORK AT THE MET OFFICE
I work at the met office
And my name is Bob
I have to do the pollen count
God it’s a difficult job
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 297
Kind hearts are gardens,
Kind thoughts are roots,
Kind words are blossoms,
Kind deeds are fruits.
But none of this rubbish
Gets the bloody grass cut
THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES
They’re putting on activities
For those whose lives need enhancing
Well I’m hard of hearing
And of the activities they are advancing
Budgie jumping, parrot shooting
And hen gliding
Might be worth chancing
But no way am I going to have a go
At the Lion dancing
Solomon Grundie,
Born on Monday,
but nothing else
In his life rhymed
ARE YOU WEARING AN UNDERSLIP?
Are you wearing an underslip?
Are you really by thunder
Would you like to slip out of it
Or should I just slip under
OPULENCE
He was opulence itself
With his lavish display
Of wealth and affluence
By means quite ample,
His riches clearly abundant
To put it another way
And to use the vernacular
He was totally Minted
WHAT’S THE POINT OF BEING AN ADULT
What’s the point of being
An adult if, when you wish
You can’t once in a while
Behave a little childish
BEEF AND CHICKEN
I’m used to the term
Surf and turf on a menu
If you want meat and seafood
But now if you want to
Eat Beef and Chicken together
You order Leather and feather
SO PLEASE MAKE NO MISTAKE
There is definitely a difference,
So please make no mistake,
Between a bag of crisps and a condom
One of them you salt and shake
SATURDAY NIGHT TREAT
On a Saturday night when I’ve had some a ale
There is one thing that delights without fail
And it’s the only thing that will satisfy me
And that’s Donna on a spit for all to see
WHAT A DAY
On Monday he was grumpy
He was happy on Tuesday
So God knows what kind
Of a dwarf he’ll be today
SHOP ASSISTANCE
I was shopping
With my wife
And we found ourselves
In the alcohol isle
But couldn’t decide
What we should get
So we asked the man
Filling the shelf
What he would recommend
He gave us both
A cursory glance
Before he responded
“I think Crabbies for Madam
And for sir,
The Old Peculiar”
Cheeky git
We bought a case
Of Wine as well
A SMALL PRANG
I had a crash with another car
It was my fault, Granted
And the “little man” got out
And God how he ranted
“I’m not happy” he shouted
“I’m not happy” he said again
I just and smiled and said
“Which one are you then?”
CHRONIC CONTRADICTION
I am definitely not getting past it
I’m sorry I have to contradict
But my back trouble is a result
Of being Athletic, not arthritic
VINDALOO
He had the Tarka Vindaloo
The rotter
It’s like Chicken Vindaloo
But its otter
I WORK AT THE MET OFFICE
I work at the met office
And my name is Bob
I have to do the pollen count
God it’s a difficult job
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 297
Kind hearts are gardens,
Kind thoughts are roots,
Kind words are blossoms,
Kind deeds are fruits.
But none of this rubbish
Gets the bloody grass cut
THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES
They’re putting on activities
For those whose lives need enhancing
Well I’m hard of hearing
And of the activities they are advancing
Budgie jumping, parrot shooting
And hen gliding
Might be worth chancing
But no way am I going to have a go
At the Lion dancing
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