SCRATCH GOLFER
I am a scratch golfer
And what that means my lad
Is I write down all my good scores
And scratch out the bad
POLISH EYE TEST
A Polish man went to the optician
He’d not had an eye test before
The optician pointed and said
"Can you read the card on the door?"
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied
“That’s the name of my brother in law”
I WAS ASKED THE OTHER DAY
I was asked the other day
If i knew of a divine ruler
I said no but I did have
A rather sweet tape measure
NEWS FLASH
News flash:
Wrinkles don't hurt.
That’s the buzz
It’s knowing that
You have them
That does
OCTOGENARIAN CUDDLE
Eighty-year-old Ada
Said to husband Hugh
Cuddle up to me
Like you used to do
So he did and she said
“That’s lovely dear”
Then she said to him
“Now nibble my ear”
And he got out of bed
"Where are you goin’?"
She asked her husband
"To put me teeth back in!"
ON THE TITANIC
The most popular drink on the Titanic
Was not served with a lemon slice
Nor with an olive or a soda splash
It was simply served with lots of ice
ON THE CONCORDIA
The most popular drink on the Concordia
As it was approaching the docks
You might be surprised to know
Was served on the rocks
THERE’S LIFE IN THIS OLD DOG YET
There’s life in this old dog yet
I don’t even think about my age
Once a week me and my friends
Go out and paint the town beige
GREAT DEPRESSION
I have been diagnosed with depression
But I won’t let it beat me
I have been on the Internet
And I’ve found the treatment for me
It’s the 18 step plan
And I start on the first tee
YEARS AGO I BOUGHT A CAR
Years ago I bought a car
Second hand, not new
It was a Chrysler Alpine
In Metallic electric blue
Top of the line
With head light washer wipers
Velour upholstery
All round Electric winders
It was a lovely thing
Oozing aesthetic beauty
So naturally I coughed up
All of my hard earned booty
That was when I found out
I’d dropped a clanger
My lovely luxury car
Was in fact an old banger
It should have taught me
A lesson about life
But I made the same mistake
When I married my wife
Wednesday 8 August 2012
A Humourous Selection # 20
CALL CENTER MODE EVEN MORE
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
Said the tech support guy
“I’m trying to write my first email”
Was Bimbettes reply
“Ok?” Said the tech support guy
“Well, I have the 'a' in the address ok
But I can’t get the circle around it
And I’ve been trying all day”
WHEN YOU’VE FOUND YOUR PERFECT OTHER
When you’ve found your perfect other
Don’t allow yourself to be hesitative
And don’t judge the woman you love
By the disposition of her relatives
WHEN YOU ARE DROWNING
When you are drowning
In a sea of despair
Swamped by poverty
Weighted down by apathy
No one is going to pull you out
Unless you reach up a hand
SHE IS BEAUTIFUL WITHOUT DOUBT
She is beautiful without doubt
But the one thing I cannot tell
Is whether she has more sense
Than just her sense of smell
COME AND FEEL SOMETHING SURPRISING
Come and feel something surprising
Its throbbing fit to burst
Well I did mean feel my pulse
But we can certainly start there first
YOU’RE NO LONGER ABLE TO BRAG
You’re no longer able to brag
About being a lean piece of scrag
Now your looks have started to flag
And your bits have started to sag
Now your arse has started to drag
You’ve turned into an old bag
GIVE ME A RIGOROUS EXAM
Give me a rigorous exam
Oh won’t you please nurse Pam
You can be a rough Madam
Poke me and prod me, then wham
You can take me as I am
Or you can cover me in jam
I don’t give a damn
As long as I get nurse Pam
I WAS DRIVING ALONG THE DUAL CARRIAGEWAY
I was driving along the dual carriageway
When my boss phoned me
And told me I was being promoted
It came out of the blue and surprised me
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car quite violently
A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned me again
And told me along with the promotion
Came a very nice financial gain
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car violently again
A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned to tell me
And told me along with the promotion
Came the executive washroom key
It came as such a shock
That I again swerved the car violently
My boss phoned further down the carriageway
And I answered in hands free mode
And told me along with the promotion
I was to receive the penthouse code
It came as such a shock
I swerved and careered off the road
DRUNK DRIVING
He was driving home,
Shit faced drunk
Pissed as a cricket
Drunk as a skunk
Suddenly he swerved
To avoid a tree,
Then another, then another.
Then another tree
The police stopped him
For driving erratically
“Having a little trouble”?
The cop asked sarcastically
The drunk told the cop
About the trees everywhere
The cop just pointed
To the air freshener hanging there
LAZARUS PILL # 2
I have pills to slow me down
And more to perk me up
I have one that helps me sleep
And one that helps me tup
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
Said the tech support guy
“I’m trying to write my first email”
Was Bimbettes reply
“Ok?” Said the tech support guy
“Well, I have the 'a' in the address ok
But I can’t get the circle around it
And I’ve been trying all day”
WHEN YOU’VE FOUND YOUR PERFECT OTHER
When you’ve found your perfect other
Don’t allow yourself to be hesitative
And don’t judge the woman you love
By the disposition of her relatives
WHEN YOU ARE DROWNING
When you are drowning
In a sea of despair
Swamped by poverty
Weighted down by apathy
No one is going to pull you out
Unless you reach up a hand
SHE IS BEAUTIFUL WITHOUT DOUBT
She is beautiful without doubt
But the one thing I cannot tell
Is whether she has more sense
Than just her sense of smell
COME AND FEEL SOMETHING SURPRISING
Come and feel something surprising
Its throbbing fit to burst
Well I did mean feel my pulse
But we can certainly start there first
YOU’RE NO LONGER ABLE TO BRAG
You’re no longer able to brag
About being a lean piece of scrag
Now your looks have started to flag
And your bits have started to sag
Now your arse has started to drag
You’ve turned into an old bag
GIVE ME A RIGOROUS EXAM
Give me a rigorous exam
Oh won’t you please nurse Pam
You can be a rough Madam
Poke me and prod me, then wham
You can take me as I am
Or you can cover me in jam
I don’t give a damn
As long as I get nurse Pam
I WAS DRIVING ALONG THE DUAL CARRIAGEWAY
I was driving along the dual carriageway
When my boss phoned me
And told me I was being promoted
It came out of the blue and surprised me
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car quite violently
A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned me again
And told me along with the promotion
Came a very nice financial gain
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car violently again
A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned to tell me
And told me along with the promotion
Came the executive washroom key
It came as such a shock
That I again swerved the car violently
My boss phoned further down the carriageway
And I answered in hands free mode
And told me along with the promotion
I was to receive the penthouse code
It came as such a shock
I swerved and careered off the road
DRUNK DRIVING
He was driving home,
Shit faced drunk
Pissed as a cricket
Drunk as a skunk
Suddenly he swerved
To avoid a tree,
Then another, then another.
Then another tree
The police stopped him
For driving erratically
“Having a little trouble”?
The cop asked sarcastically
The drunk told the cop
About the trees everywhere
The cop just pointed
To the air freshener hanging there
LAZARUS PILL # 2
I have pills to slow me down
And more to perk me up
I have one that helps me sleep
And one that helps me tup
A Humourous Selection # 19
CUPID’S LAST HURRAH
I’m waiting for cupid’s last hurrah
To feel once more his arrowed sting
One last lighting bolt
From the heavens
Signalling one last chance of true love
A final breath of wind
Blown onto passions dying embers
TEMPERAMENTAL
Your temperament is no cause for alarm
At the end of the day no foul no harm
Being a crabby bitch is just part of your charm
LESBIAN CARPENTER
My sister has an unusual trade,
She is a lesbian carpenter
There are certain criteria
Which really seem to suit her
No male / female joining
No screwing required
No nuts or penetrative bolts
Only tongue and groove is desired
SHOT WITH A STARTING PISTOL
A man living in Bristol
Has been shot with a starting pistol;
The police have now stated
That it's definitely race related.
DO YOU NEED A BAG
A man said to the chemist
"Give me three packets of condoms miss."
She replied, "Do you need a bag, sir?"
He said, “No she’s quite a looker”
FISHY BLONDE
Bimbette took her goldfish to the vet
"I think it's got epilepsy" Bimbette said.
The Vet took a good long look
Then stood scratching his head
"It seems calm enough to me".
Said the puzzled vet,
Bimbette replied
"I haven't taken it out of the water yet".
BLONDE POST
The letterbox rattled
As the post came through the door
One after another
They landed on the floor
The top most envelope
Was from Bimbette’s friend
But emblazoned on it
Were the words "DO NOT BEND"
Bimbette pondered for some time
About that piece of post
How was she to pick it up?
Puzzled her most
BIMBETTES LOST DOG
Bimbette lost her dog
And she was distraught
Peaches, to cheer her up
Said I think you ought
To advertise in the paper
Just give it a whirl
So she wrote the ad
“Come here girl”
SLEEPLESS NIGHT
I lay in bed quite restless
In a measure of distress
Uncomfortable in my nightdress
And I started to obsess
Why was the sun an absentee?
Then quite suddenly
At half past three
It dawned on me
ALPINE QUERY
“Dad, Dad where are the Alps”?
“I’m sorry son I cannot say
Ask your mother she’s the one
Who tidies all the stuff away”?
I’m waiting for cupid’s last hurrah
To feel once more his arrowed sting
One last lighting bolt
From the heavens
Signalling one last chance of true love
A final breath of wind
Blown onto passions dying embers
TEMPERAMENTAL
Your temperament is no cause for alarm
At the end of the day no foul no harm
Being a crabby bitch is just part of your charm
LESBIAN CARPENTER
My sister has an unusual trade,
She is a lesbian carpenter
There are certain criteria
Which really seem to suit her
No male / female joining
No screwing required
No nuts or penetrative bolts
Only tongue and groove is desired
SHOT WITH A STARTING PISTOL
A man living in Bristol
Has been shot with a starting pistol;
The police have now stated
That it's definitely race related.
DO YOU NEED A BAG
A man said to the chemist
"Give me three packets of condoms miss."
She replied, "Do you need a bag, sir?"
He said, “No she’s quite a looker”
FISHY BLONDE
Bimbette took her goldfish to the vet
"I think it's got epilepsy" Bimbette said.
The Vet took a good long look
Then stood scratching his head
"It seems calm enough to me".
Said the puzzled vet,
Bimbette replied
"I haven't taken it out of the water yet".
BLONDE POST
The letterbox rattled
As the post came through the door
One after another
They landed on the floor
The top most envelope
Was from Bimbette’s friend
But emblazoned on it
Were the words "DO NOT BEND"
Bimbette pondered for some time
About that piece of post
How was she to pick it up?
Puzzled her most
BIMBETTES LOST DOG
Bimbette lost her dog
And she was distraught
Peaches, to cheer her up
Said I think you ought
To advertise in the paper
Just give it a whirl
So she wrote the ad
“Come here girl”
SLEEPLESS NIGHT
I lay in bed quite restless
In a measure of distress
Uncomfortable in my nightdress
And I started to obsess
Why was the sun an absentee?
Then quite suddenly
At half past three
It dawned on me
ALPINE QUERY
“Dad, Dad where are the Alps”?
“I’m sorry son I cannot say
Ask your mother she’s the one
Who tidies all the stuff away”?
A Humourous Selection # 18
ALIMONY VENDOR
A sign on the vending machine read
This machine takes all your money
And gives nothing in return
I thought not unlike my ex wife, Honey
PUBLIC INFORMATION MESSAGE
This is a public information message
The information is for everyone
Kindly heed this important warning
If you wish to heat or cook a bun
Using the microwave and the toaster
Simultaneously must not be done
It could throw the earth out of orbit
And send us crashing into the sun
SELF-MEDICATING
There is a pill, that I take a lot
I take it when I don’t feel so hot
I knew the name but then I forgot
And the nameless pill I take a lot
Tells me I'm happy when I'm not
THE ANNUAL AFFLICTION
They make my eyes itch
They make me sneeze
They make me cough
They make me wheeze
They make me choke
They make me seize
Give me a cure
Oh won’t you please
Free me from
These allergies
LAZARUS PILL # 1
There is a pill that I have to take
For recreation the doctor said
It’s a very special little blue pill
And I use it to raise up the dead
KILLER PILL
I was given from the dispensary
After my surgery
By a doctor so proficient
A tablet so efficient
That it dislocates your brain
So you really feel no pain
PILL POPPER # 1
Red and yellow and
Pink and Green
Purple and orange and blue
I take pills akimbo
Pills akimbo
I take quite a few
PILL POPPER # 2
I have to take so many pills
To cure my numerous ills
And for me they go to battle
But I’m afraid I’ll start to rattle
MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE
As I stood on my drive
I saw cracking little lass
Bend over on the footpath
Showing me her ass
My high blood pressure
Went up even more
Then my pacemaker
Opened the garage door
FEEL YOUR AGE
You know I still feel
"Young at heart"
But considerably older
In every other part
JUST A DASH
Pour me a Scotch Whisky
With only two drops of water
Please can you do that for me?
My dearest daughter
For at my age I can hold my liquor
But I can’t hold my water
ADOPT A WILD CAT
They want me to adopt a wild cat
Which is quite absurd
Where on earth am I going to keep
A fully-grown Leopard?
HE CAME IN THE NIGHT
He came in the night
The consummate thief
The taker of souls
Stealer of the cherished
Inhabitor of shadows
Blackness draping him
Like the night itself
The grim reaper
The snuffer of candles
The snatcher of life
The author of my grief
DEATH CAME AS NO SURPRISE
Death came as no surprise
So I cannot understand why
I am full to over flowing
With tears I cannot cry
A sign on the vending machine read
This machine takes all your money
And gives nothing in return
I thought not unlike my ex wife, Honey
PUBLIC INFORMATION MESSAGE
This is a public information message
The information is for everyone
Kindly heed this important warning
If you wish to heat or cook a bun
Using the microwave and the toaster
Simultaneously must not be done
It could throw the earth out of orbit
And send us crashing into the sun
SELF-MEDICATING
There is a pill, that I take a lot
I take it when I don’t feel so hot
I knew the name but then I forgot
And the nameless pill I take a lot
Tells me I'm happy when I'm not
THE ANNUAL AFFLICTION
They make my eyes itch
They make me sneeze
They make me cough
They make me wheeze
They make me choke
They make me seize
Give me a cure
Oh won’t you please
Free me from
These allergies
LAZARUS PILL # 1
There is a pill that I have to take
For recreation the doctor said
It’s a very special little blue pill
And I use it to raise up the dead
KILLER PILL
I was given from the dispensary
After my surgery
By a doctor so proficient
A tablet so efficient
That it dislocates your brain
So you really feel no pain
PILL POPPER # 1
Red and yellow and
Pink and Green
Purple and orange and blue
I take pills akimbo
Pills akimbo
I take quite a few
PILL POPPER # 2
I have to take so many pills
To cure my numerous ills
And for me they go to battle
But I’m afraid I’ll start to rattle
MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE
As I stood on my drive
I saw cracking little lass
Bend over on the footpath
Showing me her ass
My high blood pressure
Went up even more
Then my pacemaker
Opened the garage door
FEEL YOUR AGE
You know I still feel
"Young at heart"
But considerably older
In every other part
JUST A DASH
Pour me a Scotch Whisky
With only two drops of water
Please can you do that for me?
My dearest daughter
For at my age I can hold my liquor
But I can’t hold my water
ADOPT A WILD CAT
They want me to adopt a wild cat
Which is quite absurd
Where on earth am I going to keep
A fully-grown Leopard?
HE CAME IN THE NIGHT
He came in the night
The consummate thief
The taker of souls
Stealer of the cherished
Inhabitor of shadows
Blackness draping him
Like the night itself
The grim reaper
The snuffer of candles
The snatcher of life
The author of my grief
DEATH CAME AS NO SURPRISE
Death came as no surprise
So I cannot understand why
I am full to over flowing
With tears I cannot cry
A Humourous Selection # 17
THE STUFF OF DREAMS
Let me say this from the start
You’re a lovely bit of stuff
I say this in all sincerity
You’re a gorgeous piece of fluff
I can’t emphasize this enough
You are truly cute and buff
What I wouldn’t freely give
To spy you in the buff
And what I wouldn’t do
For a glimpse of your chuff
Just to see if there is parity
Between collar and cuff
CALL CENTER MODE YET AGAIN
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy said
Bimbette replied to him
“I have a problem printing in red”
He asked, “Do you have a colour printer”?
Then the line went dead
INCONSIDERATE NEIGHBOURS
At 3am there was a knock at the door
It was my neighbour, the cheeky little strumpet
3 o’clock in the morning, can you believe that?
Having the door knocked by some bit of crumpet
All I can say is that it was lucky for the little madam
I was still up playing my trumpet
MATRIMONIAL BEQUEST
He called out to his wife
As he sat watching TV
"When I die I’m going to leave
Everything to you sweety!"
She shouted back,
"You already do, you lazy B"
OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 2
Though not the type
To put it about
She was a looker
Without a doubt
It’s a shame
I’m not in with a shout
I’ll just go home
And knock one out
MY MISSING WIFE
My wife has been missing for a week
The Police haven’t found her yet
They told me to prepare for the worst
So I've put all her clothes back in the closet
DYNAMITE BLONDE
The body builder took off his vest
And Bimbette said, "What a Great chest
it’s because of all the exercising maybe”
He said, ‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
The body builder took off his trousers
And Bimbette said “Oh wowsers
What great legs you have, strong like iron!”
He said, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Hon”'
The body builder took off his shorts
But instead of complimentary retorts
Bimbette ran away screaming in fear
“I’m getting the hell out of here”
He quickly got dressed and followed on
And earnestly asked her what was wrong
“I got afraid of all that dynamite because
When I saw how short the fuse was!”
HOMEOPATHIC HUMOUR
I told a joke about alternative medicine
And it only raised a smirk
That’s the problem with Homeopathic humour
It doesn’t really work
WHAT A THOUGHTFUL GUY
My wife and I walked passed,
A very posh restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?"
She said and she was quite right
Being something of thoughtful man
I mused as we walked along the street
“Oh what the hell she deserves it”
So I walked her passed again as a treat
SHIRK ETHIC
I’m not possessed of the work ethic
But I don’t mind going there
However the eight-hour wait
To go home is a real nightmare
Let me say this from the start
You’re a lovely bit of stuff
I say this in all sincerity
You’re a gorgeous piece of fluff
I can’t emphasize this enough
You are truly cute and buff
What I wouldn’t freely give
To spy you in the buff
And what I wouldn’t do
For a glimpse of your chuff
Just to see if there is parity
Between collar and cuff
CALL CENTER MODE YET AGAIN
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy said
Bimbette replied to him
“I have a problem printing in red”
He asked, “Do you have a colour printer”?
Then the line went dead
INCONSIDERATE NEIGHBOURS
At 3am there was a knock at the door
It was my neighbour, the cheeky little strumpet
3 o’clock in the morning, can you believe that?
Having the door knocked by some bit of crumpet
All I can say is that it was lucky for the little madam
I was still up playing my trumpet
MATRIMONIAL BEQUEST
He called out to his wife
As he sat watching TV
"When I die I’m going to leave
Everything to you sweety!"
She shouted back,
"You already do, you lazy B"
OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 2
Though not the type
To put it about
She was a looker
Without a doubt
It’s a shame
I’m not in with a shout
I’ll just go home
And knock one out
MY MISSING WIFE
My wife has been missing for a week
The Police haven’t found her yet
They told me to prepare for the worst
So I've put all her clothes back in the closet
DYNAMITE BLONDE
The body builder took off his vest
And Bimbette said, "What a Great chest
it’s because of all the exercising maybe”
He said, ‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
The body builder took off his trousers
And Bimbette said “Oh wowsers
What great legs you have, strong like iron!”
He said, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Hon”'
The body builder took off his shorts
But instead of complimentary retorts
Bimbette ran away screaming in fear
“I’m getting the hell out of here”
He quickly got dressed and followed on
And earnestly asked her what was wrong
“I got afraid of all that dynamite because
When I saw how short the fuse was!”
HOMEOPATHIC HUMOUR
I told a joke about alternative medicine
And it only raised a smirk
That’s the problem with Homeopathic humour
It doesn’t really work
WHAT A THOUGHTFUL GUY
My wife and I walked passed,
A very posh restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?"
She said and she was quite right
Being something of thoughtful man
I mused as we walked along the street
“Oh what the hell she deserves it”
So I walked her passed again as a treat
SHIRK ETHIC
I’m not possessed of the work ethic
But I don’t mind going there
However the eight-hour wait
To go home is a real nightmare
A Humourous Selection # 16
FEMININE CONUNDRUM # 2
How is it that women can go through childbirth?
With all its inherent agony
Yet manage to scare themselves to death
At the sight of a dust bunny
REFRESHING SUPPORT
My wife left the house last week
For a pint of milk and never came back
Everyone keeps asking how I’m coping
But I used the powdered or had it black
CRASH PROCEDURE
As the 747 was falling
Uncontrollably from the sky
A female passenger ripped off her clothes
And began to cry
“Can someone make me feel like a real woman?
Before I die”?
A man stood up and took off his shirt
“Here iron this,” said the guy
I’M A FREE AGENT ONCE AGAIN
I’m a free agent once again
Since I broke up with my optician girlfriend
She was very nice but to be honest
It was our sex life in the end
That broke up our bliss
She kept saying “is it better like this or this”?
BLONDE BIRD
Peaches suddenly said
“Look at the dead bird there”
Bimbette at once looked up
And said “where”?
BLONDE NITWIT
A traffic cop saw Bimbette knitting while driving
And couldn’t believe his eyes at all
He angrily shouted at her “Pull over, pull over”
She shouted back “no, it’s a shawl”
CALL CENTER MODE AGAIN
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy asks
She replied, “I can’t get my computer
To do even the simplest tasks"
“Ok” said the tech support guy
“What's on your monitor now, miss?
“An elephant my boyfriend bought me
And a kangaroo called Kriss”
MODERN AUTOMOTIVE ENGINEERING
Conceived by savants
Designed by computers
Precision Built by robots
And driven by commuters
FLIRT IN A SKIRT
Everything limber
Everything pert
The quivering flesh
In a well filled shirt
The flattering flutter
Of a pleated skirt
The coquettish look
Of an obvious flirt
OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 1
Long slender legs
That caught the eye
Atop a stockined limb
A glimpse of thigh
A hint of lace
As she passes by
And a look that says
“Don’t even try”
How is it that women can go through childbirth?
With all its inherent agony
Yet manage to scare themselves to death
At the sight of a dust bunny
REFRESHING SUPPORT
My wife left the house last week
For a pint of milk and never came back
Everyone keeps asking how I’m coping
But I used the powdered or had it black
CRASH PROCEDURE
As the 747 was falling
Uncontrollably from the sky
A female passenger ripped off her clothes
And began to cry
“Can someone make me feel like a real woman?
Before I die”?
A man stood up and took off his shirt
“Here iron this,” said the guy
I’M A FREE AGENT ONCE AGAIN
I’m a free agent once again
Since I broke up with my optician girlfriend
She was very nice but to be honest
It was our sex life in the end
That broke up our bliss
She kept saying “is it better like this or this”?
BLONDE BIRD
Peaches suddenly said
“Look at the dead bird there”
Bimbette at once looked up
And said “where”?
BLONDE NITWIT
A traffic cop saw Bimbette knitting while driving
And couldn’t believe his eyes at all
He angrily shouted at her “Pull over, pull over”
She shouted back “no, it’s a shawl”
CALL CENTER MODE AGAIN
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy asks
She replied, “I can’t get my computer
To do even the simplest tasks"
“Ok” said the tech support guy
“What's on your monitor now, miss?
“An elephant my boyfriend bought me
And a kangaroo called Kriss”
MODERN AUTOMOTIVE ENGINEERING
Conceived by savants
Designed by computers
Precision Built by robots
And driven by commuters
FLIRT IN A SKIRT
Everything limber
Everything pert
The quivering flesh
In a well filled shirt
The flattering flutter
Of a pleated skirt
The coquettish look
Of an obvious flirt
OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 1
Long slender legs
That caught the eye
Atop a stockined limb
A glimpse of thigh
A hint of lace
As she passes by
And a look that says
“Don’t even try”
Olympic Humour 2012
LONDON 2012 # 1
After seven long years
Of blood sweat and tears
The games can commence
And that test of human endurance
Can come to an end
As we abandon that trend
That has made us all cringe
The seven-year Olympic whinge
A GYMNAST AND A POLE DANCER
A gymnast and a pole dancer
Both skilled and both work hard
The only difference between them
It seems to me is a leotard
LONDON 2012 # 2
Alas I was in error
There is no end to the terror
Alas I was sadly wrong
The Olympic whinge goes on
BEACH VOLLEYBALL
I love the girl’s Beach Volleyball
I’m really very keen
It’s not like a proper beach though
For a start it’s just to clean
No cigarette ends or beer cans
And not a used condom to be seen
I LOVE THE OLYMPICS
I love the Olympics
And now it’s on home soil
It gives us an opportunity
As our competitors toil
To see them taking part
In events of this and that
Of seeing all the many sports
The team GB are so awful at
THE MCCARTNEY TRIALS 2012
I enjoyed the Jubilee concert
It was a wonderful night
I thought the opening ceremony
For the games was just right
But before any other major events
I want to know one thing
When is someone going to tell sir Paul?
That he can’t bloody sing
After seven long years
Of blood sweat and tears
The games can commence
And that test of human endurance
Can come to an end
As we abandon that trend
That has made us all cringe
The seven-year Olympic whinge
A GYMNAST AND A POLE DANCER
A gymnast and a pole dancer
Both skilled and both work hard
The only difference between them
It seems to me is a leotard
LONDON 2012 # 2
Alas I was in error
There is no end to the terror
Alas I was sadly wrong
The Olympic whinge goes on
BEACH VOLLEYBALL
I love the girl’s Beach Volleyball
I’m really very keen
It’s not like a proper beach though
For a start it’s just to clean
No cigarette ends or beer cans
And not a used condom to be seen
I LOVE THE OLYMPICS
I love the Olympics
And now it’s on home soil
It gives us an opportunity
As our competitors toil
To see them taking part
In events of this and that
Of seeing all the many sports
The team GB are so awful at
THE MCCARTNEY TRIALS 2012
I enjoyed the Jubilee concert
It was a wonderful night
I thought the opening ceremony
For the games was just right
But before any other major events
I want to know one thing
When is someone going to tell sir Paul?
That he can’t bloody sing
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