HELP LINE
I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
“Where are you ringing from Mrs. Brown”?
I of course replied “from the waist down”
DINNER QUESTION
My wife was in the kitchen
And she began to chat
“What would you like darling”
I heard from where I sat
“Chicken, fish or lamb
Or some beef without the fat”
“I think I’ll have the chicken
And I can have white wine with that”
“You’ve got beans on toast you idiot
I was talking to the cat”
FACE VALUE
You worry so much about your appearance
You fret about your nose being too big
Your mouth too wide and your lips too thin
But be assured people really don’t give a fig
For while you display your magnificent breasts
Encased sensually within black lace
Any imperfections you have will go unnoticed
Because no one is looking at your face
ROSES WERE RED
Roses were red, violets were blue
No one in the bar was prettier than you
I brought you home I was over the moon
In the morning I sing a different tune
My eyes are red, my complexion green
The sight of you makes me want to scream
TOILET TRAINING
When its time to siphon the python
First adjust the angle of dangle
And aim true, at the loo
You’ll stand in your own piss, if you miss
Don’t get in a muddle and leave a puddle
When finished shake the snake
Or tap the old chap
Make sure the eye is dry
As you stand there, have a care
Don’t go yet and stow wet
Or you’ll feel the warm glow, down below
SUNDAY SCHOOL QUERY
Joshua was asked at a Sunday school meeting
“Do you say a prayer at home before eating”?
Joshua was puzzled at the query, truth to tell
“No we don't have too, my Mum cooks very well”
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
I lie awake in the wee small hours
Unable to just drift away
My mind is constantly replaying
All the events of the day
I’ve tossed and I’ve turned
I even counted sheep for a bit
Now I find my foot has gone to sleep
And I long to catch up with it
IBS
“You have an irritable bowel”
My doctor told me today
It didn’t surprise me at all
It was inevitable in a way
Because I’m a very irritable man
Harsh but true I would say
So why should my bowel
Behave in any other way
MY CAT STORY
The teacher questioned Samuel about his homework
“I have just read your story entitled “my cat”
And it is almost exactly the same as your brothers
What do you have to say to that”?
“Well I didn’t copy Joshua’s story miss” Samuel said
“It’s just that well, we have the same cat”
IF YOU ASK A STUPID QUESTION
Joshua was caught talking to a friend during assembly
“What do you call a person” asked the headmaster
“Who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested”?
Joshua thought and to great applause he said “A teacher”
THE MAN AINT GOT NO CULTURE
My friend reads cheap fiction
Consuming it like a vulture
But he’s not a stupid man
He simply has no culture
In fact the closest he gets
To any form of cultural flirt
Would be when he partakes
In his favourite yogurt
EARLY ARRIVAL
At premature ejaculators anonymous
I sat all alone in the meeting room
And I pondered my solitary situation
And concluded that I just came too soon
Thursday 15 July 2010
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 148
Elsie Marley's grown so fine,
She won't get up to feed the swine,
But lies in bed 'till eight or nine!
Doing the farm hands two at a time
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 149
Baby dear, good night, good night,
Doggie lies in slumbers deep;
Hush-a-bye, my treasure bright,
Pussy, too, is fast asleep.
So the question I must make
Is why are you still wide awake?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 150
As I was going up Pippen Hill,
Pippen Hill was dirty.
There I met a pretty miss
And she was very flirty
As I was going down Pippen Hill,
I left the girl so flirty
Pippen Hill was quite clean
But the girl was very dirty
Elsie Marley's grown so fine,
She won't get up to feed the swine,
But lies in bed 'till eight or nine!
Doing the farm hands two at a time
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 149
Baby dear, good night, good night,
Doggie lies in slumbers deep;
Hush-a-bye, my treasure bright,
Pussy, too, is fast asleep.
So the question I must make
Is why are you still wide awake?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 150
As I was going up Pippen Hill,
Pippen Hill was dirty.
There I met a pretty miss
And she was very flirty
As I was going down Pippen Hill,
I left the girl so flirty
Pippen Hill was quite clean
But the girl was very dirty
THE DOMESTIC GAME
The beautiful game
Is one of different hues
It can redden your face
And cause marital blues
Especially when you add
An excess of cheap booze
When victory is achieved
Sex often ensues
But it’s a different story
If he watches them lose
He’ll wear a football shirt
And she’ll wear a bruise
The bigger the match
The shorter his fuse
As he rants and raves
She shakes in her shoes
At the final whistle
Full of anger and booze
He wears red and white
She wears black and blue
Is one of different hues
It can redden your face
And cause marital blues
Especially when you add
An excess of cheap booze
When victory is achieved
Sex often ensues
But it’s a different story
If he watches them lose
He’ll wear a football shirt
And she’ll wear a bruise
The bigger the match
The shorter his fuse
As he rants and raves
She shakes in her shoes
At the final whistle
Full of anger and booze
He wears red and white
She wears black and blue
THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB
THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB # 1
Rafa is staying at Anfield
So no new regime is brewing
There is no new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great relief
That no new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing
THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB # 2
Rafa is leaving Anfield
So a new regime is brewing
There is a new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great shame
That a new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing
Rafa is staying at Anfield
So no new regime is brewing
There is no new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great relief
That no new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing
THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB # 2
Rafa is leaving Anfield
So a new regime is brewing
There is a new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great shame
That a new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing
Thursday 1 July 2010
World Cup South Africa 2010
FAIR PLAY DIAGO
At the world cup
Maradona has called for fair play
And he wants referees
To understand the meaning he says
He could perhaps give FIFA
An example of fair play
Like not punching the ball into the net
That would be one way
A DISAPPOINTING DRAW, ENGLAND 0, ALGERIA 0,
“We are disappointed with the draw
Against this piss poor team today”
“We consider it two points dropped”
Said a spokesman of the Algerian FA
DON CAPELLO
Don Capello spoke of the “Big Mistake”
And a big performance is his wish
But sadly the outspoken John Terry
Will tonight be sleeping with the fish
INTRUDER ALERT
After security failures
In South Africa
Surrounding England
In particular
FIFA want to ascertain
How certain individuals
Could gain entry
Without credentials
To England’s dressing room
The ones causing most worry
Were Emile Heskey
Glen Johnson and Gareth Barry
SINGING THE BLUES
They sing the homesick blues
“We miss our families”
These pampered prima donnas
Living in 5 star luxury
In Afghanistan they are home sick
They miss their families
The soldiers living in tents
Under fire from the enemy
They sing the we’re bored blues
“There‘s like nothing to do”
Like a bunch of seven year olds
Not men of over 22
We are so bored with these players
And their incessant whining
Waited on hand and foot
Living it up on 5 star dinning
They sing the we’re tired blues
Like we have any sympathy
Only having to play once a week
Then after training they are free
We’re tired waiting for our heroes
When eleven strangers appear
Where are the premiership stars?
Who play weekly without fear
We sing the England blues
As each tournament comes around
When each and every time
Our dreams lie tattered on the ground
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
I never expected us to win the cup
That was always inconceivable
But if we played to our potential
The Quarter finals were achievable
But when the first ball was kicked
They were more nightmare than dream
So I just wanted them to do their best
Clearly too much to ask of our team
POINTING THE FINGER
We were predictable, disorganized and poor
Our ineptitude was there for all to see
But as much as the players failed to turn up
And performed disappointingly
We were tactically bereft as well
Because Fabio Capello has no plan B
THEY’RE HAVING A LAUGH
Cole and King were seen
Laughing hysterically
Just a few hours
After defeat to Germany
I saw no humour
In the way England plays
In fact I haven’t laughed
For the past two days
A SWIFT EXIT
England left for the airport
On the wrong bus, apparently
For emblazoned on its side was
“Playing with pride and glory”
England’s bus was possibly stolen
You will recognise it quite easily
For emblazoned on its side is
“Playing with sloth and lethargy”
WELL MY LORD, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
Did you think Lord Triesman mad, for saying?
That referees might me bribed by Spain
If so, did watching the sending off of Costa
Give you any doubt and make you think again
CAPDEVILA, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
Capdevila has reached the pinnacle
Of herculean World Cup feats
He has joined the pantheon
Of notorious world cup cheats
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
We were rubbish in South Africa
But we should stop the whining
For no matter how black the cloud
There is always a silver lining
We were rubbish in South Africa
And we get no second chance
But at least we can safely say
That we were not as bad as France
INTERNATIONAL BAN
Goodluck Jonathon’s response to the failure
Of the Nigeria team in South Africa
Is to ban them from internationals
For the next two year which is radical
The English FA considered doing the same
For the good of the English game
But decided not to at an FA meeting
As no one would notice England not competing
HOWARDS END - SOUTH AFRICA 2010
Well England made it to the final
Though alas only the refereeing chap
But like the England team before him
Howard Webb was really crap
At the world cup
Maradona has called for fair play
And he wants referees
To understand the meaning he says
He could perhaps give FIFA
An example of fair play
Like not punching the ball into the net
That would be one way
A DISAPPOINTING DRAW, ENGLAND 0, ALGERIA 0,
“We are disappointed with the draw
Against this piss poor team today”
“We consider it two points dropped”
Said a spokesman of the Algerian FA
DON CAPELLO
Don Capello spoke of the “Big Mistake”
And a big performance is his wish
But sadly the outspoken John Terry
Will tonight be sleeping with the fish
INTRUDER ALERT
After security failures
In South Africa
Surrounding England
In particular
FIFA want to ascertain
How certain individuals
Could gain entry
Without credentials
To England’s dressing room
The ones causing most worry
Were Emile Heskey
Glen Johnson and Gareth Barry
SINGING THE BLUES
They sing the homesick blues
“We miss our families”
These pampered prima donnas
Living in 5 star luxury
In Afghanistan they are home sick
They miss their families
The soldiers living in tents
Under fire from the enemy
They sing the we’re bored blues
“There‘s like nothing to do”
Like a bunch of seven year olds
Not men of over 22
We are so bored with these players
And their incessant whining
Waited on hand and foot
Living it up on 5 star dinning
They sing the we’re tired blues
Like we have any sympathy
Only having to play once a week
Then after training they are free
We’re tired waiting for our heroes
When eleven strangers appear
Where are the premiership stars?
Who play weekly without fear
We sing the England blues
As each tournament comes around
When each and every time
Our dreams lie tattered on the ground
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
I never expected us to win the cup
That was always inconceivable
But if we played to our potential
The Quarter finals were achievable
But when the first ball was kicked
They were more nightmare than dream
So I just wanted them to do their best
Clearly too much to ask of our team
POINTING THE FINGER
We were predictable, disorganized and poor
Our ineptitude was there for all to see
But as much as the players failed to turn up
And performed disappointingly
We were tactically bereft as well
Because Fabio Capello has no plan B
THEY’RE HAVING A LAUGH
Cole and King were seen
Laughing hysterically
Just a few hours
After defeat to Germany
I saw no humour
In the way England plays
In fact I haven’t laughed
For the past two days
A SWIFT EXIT
England left for the airport
On the wrong bus, apparently
For emblazoned on its side was
“Playing with pride and glory”
England’s bus was possibly stolen
You will recognise it quite easily
For emblazoned on its side is
“Playing with sloth and lethargy”
WELL MY LORD, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
Did you think Lord Triesman mad, for saying?
That referees might me bribed by Spain
If so, did watching the sending off of Costa
Give you any doubt and make you think again
CAPDEVILA, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
Capdevila has reached the pinnacle
Of herculean World Cup feats
He has joined the pantheon
Of notorious world cup cheats
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
We were rubbish in South Africa
But we should stop the whining
For no matter how black the cloud
There is always a silver lining
We were rubbish in South Africa
And we get no second chance
But at least we can safely say
That we were not as bad as France
INTERNATIONAL BAN
Goodluck Jonathon’s response to the failure
Of the Nigeria team in South Africa
Is to ban them from internationals
For the next two year which is radical
The English FA considered doing the same
For the good of the English game
But decided not to at an FA meeting
As no one would notice England not competing
HOWARDS END - SOUTH AFRICA 2010
Well England made it to the final
Though alas only the refereeing chap
But like the England team before him
Howard Webb was really crap
ITS OFFICIAL, I’M AN OLD MAN
I was sitting in my car, which was parked in a side road behind the church where I was waiting for my wife.
It was a “no through road” and its primary function was as an access road to the shops and its double yellow lines were designed to deter men from waiting for their wives but at six o’clock in the evening we were there in numbers with out fear of causing an obstruction.
It was a warm late afternoon/early evening in June and the bright sun beat down on the car and subsequently we were all sat with our windows down to benefit from the light breeze.
I was leant back in my seat. Eyes closed against the sun, listening to the world cup chatter on the radio when I heard a car horn.
This was not an uncommon occurrence, there was always someone honking for something, I myself was no stranger to the use of the horn, so I didn’t open my eyes and continued to listen to the radio.
Then came a prolonged blast which did open my eyes and caused me to turn to see where it was coming from.
I had to crane my neck to see the source of the noise which was behind me and to the right.
A woman in a large salon car who was trying to exit a car park was waving her hand in an exaggerated gesture which I took to mean “can you move the car back”
I arrived aqt this interpretation mainly because she shouted rather forcefully out of her open window.
“Move back, move back”.
Despite the fact I was not level with the entrance nor was I blocking it in anyway and had she got her positioning right she would have made the maneuver effortlessly,
I pointed out to her quite politely that she was only driving a saloon car and not a tank but this fell on deaf ears so she repeated her demand.
“Move back, move back”
I acceded to her request and reversed back out of harms way but as she was making the turn she stopped and shouted to me through the passenger window.
I was expecting a thank you but instead she shouted in a voice somewhere between Caroline Langrishe and Margot Ledbetter.
“If I didn’t have my daughter in the car I would have something to say to you, you silly old man”
I was so taken by the superciliousness of her comment that I laughed.
This was not the response she was expecting which seemed to fluster her and she missed her gear.
“Are you not even a little bit embarrassed that you can’t maneuver yourself out of a car park”?
She eventually managed to find first gear and lurched forward but then found herself tight up behind the car that was parked in front of me before I moved.
I couldn’t resist the temptation and leant out of my window.
“Would you like me to ask him to move as well”?
She reversed back quickly then lurched forward again only to find she still couldn’t clear the parked car so she through it into reverse again and quickly shot forward.
To my shame the child in me applauded as did the driver of the car in front.
Then a jeweled hand appeared from the drivers’ window and extended a single digit and from the passenger side a smaller hand appeared and gave a thumbs up.
Then the break lights came on as she violently braked sharply, at first I thought she was going to engage us in some witty repartee or that she had noticed her daughters’ supportive gesture but no, it was just that she nearly ran down some poor unsuspecting pedestrian.
The driver of the other car and myself exchanged knowing looks and I chuckled to myself and was still chuckling when my wife arrived and got in the car
It was a “no through road” and its primary function was as an access road to the shops and its double yellow lines were designed to deter men from waiting for their wives but at six o’clock in the evening we were there in numbers with out fear of causing an obstruction.
It was a warm late afternoon/early evening in June and the bright sun beat down on the car and subsequently we were all sat with our windows down to benefit from the light breeze.
I was leant back in my seat. Eyes closed against the sun, listening to the world cup chatter on the radio when I heard a car horn.
This was not an uncommon occurrence, there was always someone honking for something, I myself was no stranger to the use of the horn, so I didn’t open my eyes and continued to listen to the radio.
Then came a prolonged blast which did open my eyes and caused me to turn to see where it was coming from.
I had to crane my neck to see the source of the noise which was behind me and to the right.
A woman in a large salon car who was trying to exit a car park was waving her hand in an exaggerated gesture which I took to mean “can you move the car back”
I arrived aqt this interpretation mainly because she shouted rather forcefully out of her open window.
“Move back, move back”.
Despite the fact I was not level with the entrance nor was I blocking it in anyway and had she got her positioning right she would have made the maneuver effortlessly,
I pointed out to her quite politely that she was only driving a saloon car and not a tank but this fell on deaf ears so she repeated her demand.
“Move back, move back”
I acceded to her request and reversed back out of harms way but as she was making the turn she stopped and shouted to me through the passenger window.
I was expecting a thank you but instead she shouted in a voice somewhere between Caroline Langrishe and Margot Ledbetter.
“If I didn’t have my daughter in the car I would have something to say to you, you silly old man”
I was so taken by the superciliousness of her comment that I laughed.
This was not the response she was expecting which seemed to fluster her and she missed her gear.
“Are you not even a little bit embarrassed that you can’t maneuver yourself out of a car park”?
She eventually managed to find first gear and lurched forward but then found herself tight up behind the car that was parked in front of me before I moved.
I couldn’t resist the temptation and leant out of my window.
“Would you like me to ask him to move as well”?
She reversed back quickly then lurched forward again only to find she still couldn’t clear the parked car so she through it into reverse again and quickly shot forward.
To my shame the child in me applauded as did the driver of the car in front.
Then a jeweled hand appeared from the drivers’ window and extended a single digit and from the passenger side a smaller hand appeared and gave a thumbs up.
Then the break lights came on as she violently braked sharply, at first I thought she was going to engage us in some witty repartee or that she had noticed her daughters’ supportive gesture but no, it was just that she nearly ran down some poor unsuspecting pedestrian.
The driver of the other car and myself exchanged knowing looks and I chuckled to myself and was still chuckling when my wife arrived and got in the car
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