21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 001
Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
With tattoos on their hips and a stud thru the nose
And a couple of quid buys you a couple of ho’s
21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 002
Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
Who gets down on her knees and gives the best blows
And you can come in her mouth till it comes out her nose
21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 003
Mary was a little flirt
With big seductive eyes
And many a lucky lad
Had been between her thighs
Wednesday 3 February 2010
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 90
The Sandman's coming
In his train of cars
Think! Tiredness kills
Stop at the next services
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 91
What are little boys made of?Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of!"
What are big boys made of?Chips and ales, and chasing girls tails
That's what big boys are made of!"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 92
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,Went outside with no trousers on
Both shoes off and no pants on
Along came a policeman “You’re nicked son”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 93
Seesaw Margery Daw Johnny shall have a new masterHe shall earn but a penny a day
Because his employer is a bastard
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 94
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,Tapping at the window and crying through the lock,Come on everyone and look at my - undergarments
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 95
What are little girls made of?"Sugar and spice and all things nice
That's what little girls are made of!"
What are big girls made of?"Allure and entice and all kinds of vice
That's what big girls are made of!"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 96
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
And in the winter snow
It stood out against the white
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 97
One two buckle my shoe
Three, four, Velcro you woreFive, six, slip-ons you pickSeven, eight, lace them up straightNine, ten, slip-ons again Eleven, twelve, dig and delveThirteen, fourteen, specialist shopping
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 98
One two buckle my shoe
Three, Four, Excuse me miss?
Do you have these in a size 10 sling-back?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 99
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
And her defence in court would be
She was suffering from PMT
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 100
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
When she saw what she had done,
She gave the bitch another one
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 101
Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horseWith rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
If you give her ten pounds then anything goes
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 102
Mary had a little secret
She was a bit of a lush
She was not white as snow
But pure as the driven slush
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 103
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She never ate her ride
But ate the lamb of course
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 104
Mary had a little lamb
It died but she wasn’t sad
She did love her little lamb
But she really loved kebabs
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 105
Mary had a little skirt
It was way above knees
And when she sat down
You could see her fleece
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 106
Mary was a little tart
Who really put it about
Young men flocked to her
And none of them went without
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 107
Hush a bye baby, on the tree top,When the wind blows the cradle will rock;When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall,And down will come baby, cradle and all.
But don’t worry it’ll be ok, if you live in Harringay
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 108
The North wind doth blow and we shall have snowPavements won’t be cleared and roads won’t see grit
Council employees will sit in the depot keeping warm
While the rest of us citizens have to get on with it
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 109
This is the house that Jack built!This is mortgage on the house that Jack built.This is the rat that foreclosed on the mortgage
That was on the house that Jack built.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 110
Young lambs to sell, young lambs to sellIf I won the lottery how I would yell
If I won so much money that I couldn’t tell
That I could taste and touch and smell
I would never have to cry, "Young lambs to sell"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 111
The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day;The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away.Which is just as well because the Queen of Hearts can’t bake
And if she’d served them to the King he’d have burnt her at the stake
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 112
It's raining; it's pouring.
The old man is snoring.
We should have changed but instead,
We didn’t and we’ll all be dead by morning
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 113
Jack and Jill went into town
To have a drink with each other
They both fell down
Outside the crown
And then threw up in the gutter
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 114
Higgledy Piggledy, My fat hen, She lays eggs Full of Collagen
Good for women, And good for men, Higgledy Piggledy, My fat hen!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 115
Hey diddle dinkety, poppety, pet,The Bankers of London should wear scarlet;As a mark of dishonour to shame them
But they carry on as before these banking men
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 116
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.He does it for attention so everyone can see
Because he thinks that he’s a celebrity
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 117
“Where are you going, my pretty maid?" "I'm going clubbing, mate," she said. "May I go with you, my pretty maid?" "Only if you're paying, mate," she said.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 118
When good King Arthur ruled this land,He was a goodly king;
But Lancelot did shag the Queenand that was not the thing
So he killed the queen but spared lance
As he was still loyal to his king
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 119
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She could never eat her ride
But lamb with mint sauce?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 120
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
No one was to tease
That everyone agreed
As she was the daughter of Herman Munster
The Sandman's coming
In his train of cars
Think! Tiredness kills
Stop at the next services
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 91
What are little boys made of?Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of!"
What are big boys made of?Chips and ales, and chasing girls tails
That's what big boys are made of!"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 92
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,Went outside with no trousers on
Both shoes off and no pants on
Along came a policeman “You’re nicked son”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 93
Seesaw Margery Daw Johnny shall have a new masterHe shall earn but a penny a day
Because his employer is a bastard
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 94
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,Tapping at the window and crying through the lock,Come on everyone and look at my - undergarments
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 95
What are little girls made of?"Sugar and spice and all things nice
That's what little girls are made of!"
What are big girls made of?"Allure and entice and all kinds of vice
That's what big girls are made of!"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 96
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
And in the winter snow
It stood out against the white
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 97
One two buckle my shoe
Three, four, Velcro you woreFive, six, slip-ons you pickSeven, eight, lace them up straightNine, ten, slip-ons again Eleven, twelve, dig and delveThirteen, fourteen, specialist shopping
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 98
One two buckle my shoe
Three, Four, Excuse me miss?
Do you have these in a size 10 sling-back?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 99
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
And her defence in court would be
She was suffering from PMT
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 100
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
When she saw what she had done,
She gave the bitch another one
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 101
Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horseWith rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
If you give her ten pounds then anything goes
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 102
Mary had a little secret
She was a bit of a lush
She was not white as snow
But pure as the driven slush
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 103
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She never ate her ride
But ate the lamb of course
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 104
Mary had a little lamb
It died but she wasn’t sad
She did love her little lamb
But she really loved kebabs
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 105
Mary had a little skirt
It was way above knees
And when she sat down
You could see her fleece
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 106
Mary was a little tart
Who really put it about
Young men flocked to her
And none of them went without
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 107
Hush a bye baby, on the tree top,When the wind blows the cradle will rock;When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall,And down will come baby, cradle and all.
But don’t worry it’ll be ok, if you live in Harringay
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 108
The North wind doth blow and we shall have snowPavements won’t be cleared and roads won’t see grit
Council employees will sit in the depot keeping warm
While the rest of us citizens have to get on with it
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 109
This is the house that Jack built!This is mortgage on the house that Jack built.This is the rat that foreclosed on the mortgage
That was on the house that Jack built.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 110
Young lambs to sell, young lambs to sellIf I won the lottery how I would yell
If I won so much money that I couldn’t tell
That I could taste and touch and smell
I would never have to cry, "Young lambs to sell"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 111
The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day;The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away.Which is just as well because the Queen of Hearts can’t bake
And if she’d served them to the King he’d have burnt her at the stake
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 112
It's raining; it's pouring.
The old man is snoring.
We should have changed but instead,
We didn’t and we’ll all be dead by morning
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 113
Jack and Jill went into town
To have a drink with each other
They both fell down
Outside the crown
And then threw up in the gutter
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 114
Higgledy Piggledy, My fat hen, She lays eggs Full of Collagen
Good for women, And good for men, Higgledy Piggledy, My fat hen!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 115
Hey diddle dinkety, poppety, pet,The Bankers of London should wear scarlet;As a mark of dishonour to shame them
But they carry on as before these banking men
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 116
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.He does it for attention so everyone can see
Because he thinks that he’s a celebrity
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 117
“Where are you going, my pretty maid?" "I'm going clubbing, mate," she said. "May I go with you, my pretty maid?" "Only if you're paying, mate," she said.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 118
When good King Arthur ruled this land,He was a goodly king;
But Lancelot did shag the Queenand that was not the thing
So he killed the queen but spared lance
As he was still loyal to his king
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 119
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She could never eat her ride
But lamb with mint sauce?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 120
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
No one was to tease
That everyone agreed
As she was the daughter of Herman Munster
Wednesday 27 January 2010
A HUMEROUS COLLECTION
SUBTLE DIFFERENCE
There is a subtle difference
Between “Put” and “Putt”
In meaning as well as spelling
I will attempt to elucidate
Their subtle difference
Clearly in the telling
“Put” means to place something
Where you ultimately want it
“Putt” is an unrealistic attempt
To do the same with the ball you hit
NO FRILLS
Ryanair have had to execute
Disembarkation via escape chutes
There was no emergency however
It’s just Mr O’Leary being clever
Disembarking on the runway
Is the latest “no frills” way
GOOD JOB SON
My son got a job today
At a bowling establishment
“Ten pin” I asked him
“Oh no” he said “it’s permanent”
A TIMELY REFLECTION
I am feeling my age
Now I’m of the silver haired class
But on the bright side
I’m still on the right side of the grass
A MEASURED REFLECTION
When I was young
I was broad minded
And narrow hipped
Now I’m middle aged
My proportions
Appear to have flipped
TAKAWAY BLUES
Last weekend my dad tried
A new Indian takeaway
He said it was very good
But he suffered the next day
He was violently sick
And was rushed into hospital
But he’s on the mend
And has no ill effects at all
The bhajis contained tulip bulbs
Obviously not the right thing
The hospital has said
He won't be out until the spring.
A DEEP DESIRE
After many long years
Of happy marriage
I still look at my wife with hunger
I hunger to see her
In something long and flowing
Like the River Humber
AGE OLD LIES # 1
Of all the age old lies
Which one do we hear most?
Well when owed money its
“The cheque is in the post”
When you hear that said
You know there is no hope
Because the simple truth is
It never made it to the envelope
There is a subtle difference
Between “Put” and “Putt”
In meaning as well as spelling
I will attempt to elucidate
Their subtle difference
Clearly in the telling
“Put” means to place something
Where you ultimately want it
“Putt” is an unrealistic attempt
To do the same with the ball you hit
NO FRILLS
Ryanair have had to execute
Disembarkation via escape chutes
There was no emergency however
It’s just Mr O’Leary being clever
Disembarking on the runway
Is the latest “no frills” way
GOOD JOB SON
My son got a job today
At a bowling establishment
“Ten pin” I asked him
“Oh no” he said “it’s permanent”
A TIMELY REFLECTION
I am feeling my age
Now I’m of the silver haired class
But on the bright side
I’m still on the right side of the grass
A MEASURED REFLECTION
When I was young
I was broad minded
And narrow hipped
Now I’m middle aged
My proportions
Appear to have flipped
TAKAWAY BLUES
Last weekend my dad tried
A new Indian takeaway
He said it was very good
But he suffered the next day
He was violently sick
And was rushed into hospital
But he’s on the mend
And has no ill effects at all
The bhajis contained tulip bulbs
Obviously not the right thing
The hospital has said
He won't be out until the spring.
A DEEP DESIRE
After many long years
Of happy marriage
I still look at my wife with hunger
I hunger to see her
In something long and flowing
Like the River Humber
AGE OLD LIES # 1
Of all the age old lies
Which one do we hear most?
Well when owed money its
“The cheque is in the post”
When you hear that said
You know there is no hope
Because the simple truth is
It never made it to the envelope
SOME MORE 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 83
Higgledy, piggledy, my pet hen
She lays eggs for gentlemen
Well actually well all said and done
She’s an Essex hen and lays for anyone
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 84
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - perhaps she'll die!
Well she will if we don’t get rid of this useless bloody government
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 85
Star light star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Get my hands in Glenda’s tights
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 86
There was a little guinea-pig,
Who, being little, was not big;
But from its head down to its feet
It was extremely good to eat
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 87
The lion and the unicorn
Were fighting for the crown
The lion beat the unicorn
All around the town
The vicious ambitious lion
Beat the poor unicorn so cute
But with one final effort
The unicorn killed the great hairy brute
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 88
Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
When the pie was launched the tills began to sing,
It seems that McDonalds will fob you off with anything
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 89
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she didn't know what to do!
Sadly this case is not an exception
If only her daughters had used contraception
Higgledy, piggledy, my pet hen
She lays eggs for gentlemen
Well actually well all said and done
She’s an Essex hen and lays for anyone
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 84
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - perhaps she'll die!
Well she will if we don’t get rid of this useless bloody government
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 85
Star light star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Get my hands in Glenda’s tights
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 86
There was a little guinea-pig,
Who, being little, was not big;
But from its head down to its feet
It was extremely good to eat
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 87
The lion and the unicorn
Were fighting for the crown
The lion beat the unicorn
All around the town
The vicious ambitious lion
Beat the poor unicorn so cute
But with one final effort
The unicorn killed the great hairy brute
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 88
Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
When the pie was launched the tills began to sing,
It seems that McDonalds will fob you off with anything
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 89
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she didn't know what to do!
Sadly this case is not an exception
If only her daughters had used contraception
FEVERISH
FEVERISH ONCE AGAIN
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by infatuation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed swain flu
FEVERISH ONCE MORE
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
In contact with evergreen vegetation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed Pine flu
FEVERISH MORE AND MORE
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by infatuation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed swoon flu
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by infatuation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed swain flu
FEVERISH ONCE MORE
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
In contact with evergreen vegetation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed Pine flu
FEVERISH MORE AND MORE
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by infatuation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed swoon flu
TROUBLE AT MILL
It’s an absolute calamity
I’ve never heard the like of it
I just heard on the news
Up north they are running out of grit
What will become of us?
When the north is finally bereft
It was the northern grit
That made this nation the best
I’ve never heard the like of it
I just heard on the news
Up north they are running out of grit
What will become of us?
When the north is finally bereft
It was the northern grit
That made this nation the best
SNOOZE VILLE
I want to inhabit forever
That special place that dreams fill
That safe and cosy place
Beneath the duvet in Snooze Ville
Between wake and slumber
A place that fulfils wishes
Where lover’s hands are held
And lips deliver stolen kisses
A place where dreams come true
Where loved ones live forever
A place where all is forgiven
And success comes with any endeavour
Where you can embrace forbidden lovers
Sweet moments of utter bliss
Or be together again with first loves
With kisses and caresses to reminisce
I want to inhabit forever
That special place that Dreams fill
That safe and cosy place
Beneath the duvet in Snooze Ville
That special place that dreams fill
That safe and cosy place
Beneath the duvet in Snooze Ville
Between wake and slumber
A place that fulfils wishes
Where lover’s hands are held
And lips deliver stolen kisses
A place where dreams come true
Where loved ones live forever
A place where all is forgiven
And success comes with any endeavour
Where you can embrace forbidden lovers
Sweet moments of utter bliss
Or be together again with first loves
With kisses and caresses to reminisce
I want to inhabit forever
That special place that Dreams fill
That safe and cosy place
Beneath the duvet in Snooze Ville
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