OVER THE TOP LADS

Over the top lads
Let’s do it for the King
Up and at em Tommies
Let’s do the Kaiser in

Heads up lads
Let’s show some heroism
Death to the Hun
Hurrah for Jingoism

Over the top we go
Putting aside our fears
Then the hail of shot
And we fall like tears

A generation’s youth
Drowning in the mud
Ghosts of our future
Drowning in our blood

Stout hearted we came
Beneath the Belgian sky
We came to fight for honour
Instead we fall and die

HARRY POTTER - THE WITCH WITH AN ITCH

He must return every time school ends
To the bosom of the family Dursley
Where he must while away the time
With only an old owl for company

He waited for word from his chums
For news of some adventure to be had
But they were having too much fun
To spare a thought for the lonely lad

Hermione was feeling a little ginger
Where the Weasley family dwell
Riding Ron like a nimbus
Until he screamed out “bloody hell”

Madam Maxime was spanking Hagrid
And covering his genitals in paint
While Neville was with Ginny
Who held his wand and made him faint

Professor McGonagall morphed into a cat
Then curled up on Dumbledore’s lap
Draco Malfoy wore women’s underwear
As he played with his old chap

Madam Pomfrey played doctors and nurses
With Minister Cornelius Fudge
And Rita Skeeter tied up young Nigel
So tight that he couldn’t budge

Madeye Moody had his meat and two veg
Handled by Pomona Sprout
So deftly did she manipulate him
That his good eye nearly popped out

Seamus played with Cornish pixies
Where Goblin meant something more
And the Patil girls made up a threesome
With the demure Fleur Delacour

Goyle and Crabbe liked to be beaten
And over a desk they were bent
Thought Filius Flitwick had to stand on a box
To meet out their punishment

Unwanted Harry sat alone in his room
Pining for his young love Cho
And was finally forced to seek solace
Where the sad and the lonely go

He sought out the purveyors of sex
Looking for some company
At a place frequented by Filch and Snape
On a street called Ven Ally

But he contracted the vilest irritation
On his most intimate patch
After consorting with a cut price bludger
At a place called the “Golden snatch”

If he had not been so cheap
And not chosen such a dirty little witch
He would have had his carnal pleasures
Without catching the dreaded quid itch

IF I COULD WISH

If I could wish
What a wish it would be
I would wish a wish
If it were granted to me

If I could wish
I would wish for what I had
I would wish that wish
Because without you I’d be sad

If I could wish
I would wish for you
I would wish a wish
That, that wish would come true

If I could wish
And my wish came true
I would have wished a wish
To spend my life with you

THE COSTUMED ARMY

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

JACK O’LANTERN

Jack O’Lantern’s light
Gazing out into the night
In the window there
Staring out a scary stare
With your unsympathetic grin
And glowing orange skin
Are you there to keep the spirits out?
With your jagged leering mouth
Or is your gnarled and toothless grin
There to invite the evil in?

ALL HALLOWS EVE

I hide behind the sofa quivering in fear
Now the witching hour is near
The curtains are drawn tight
And I’ve turned off the lights
The TV volume is way down low
I sit and cower it its feeble glow
Then comes the knock upon the door
And I curl up quivering on the floor
My heart is pounding my breath is shallow
My mouth is dry it’s hard to swallow
On all hallows eve I live in mortal dread
But not of monsters or the un-dead
The fear that turns my heart to stone
Is Trick or Treaters knowing I’m home

OH NO, NOT HALLOWEEN AGAIN

It’s that time of year again, Halloween
Oh how I hate it and its practitioners
All year round we tell our children
“Don’t accept sweets from strangers”
We instill in them from an early age
“Don’t ever approach or talk to strangers”
Then at Halloween we send them out
To ask for sweets at the doors of strangers

When children dressed as monsters
Terrorize the neighbourhood
Begging from door to door
Demanding sweets and treats
For not vandalizing your property
The older children or should I say yobs
Wear masks and disguise them selves
Clearly training for a life of crime
A yob in a funny outfit is still a yob

It’s that time of year again
The night of night to ignore the doorbell
Its not twee or cute it’s just annoying
I try to be polite when I shoo them from my door
But I know I will get up next morning
With fake blood smeared on the front door
Eggs smashed on my windscreen
And rubbish strewn across my garden
God I hate Halloween and its practitioners