I WOKE UP THE DAY AFTER THE PARTY

 

I woke up the day after the party

With a penis drawn on my face

But that wasn’t the worst of it

The perpetrator had had to trace

POPPERS

 

They said they had poppers at the party

But no evidence of them could be seen

There was no strands of confetti anywhere

And the carpets were spotlessly clean

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL

 

I always thought that alcohol

Made me funnier, smarter, oh

And a much better dancer

But then I saw myself on video

SHE WAS SO DRUNK AT THE PARTY

 

She was so drunk at the party

When her period came on

She mistakenly used a party popper

Instead of a tampon

IF YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS A BIRTHDAY PARTY

If your daughter wants a birthday party

At home, make it Cinderella themed

That way you can be the wicked queen

And the guests can keep the house clean

I MET AN INTERESTING GIRL AT A PARTY

 

I met an interesting girl at a party

At first, I admired her from afar

She claimed that just by knowing

The make of an individual’s car

She could discern their personality

Apparently, I shouldn’t own a car

PARTY GUEST

I went to a party

And I really dressed to kill

The SAS combat fatigues

Seemed to fit the bill

PARTY ANIMAL

 

I went to a party

And I really dressed to kill

A werewolf and a full moon

Seemed to fit the bill

Uncanny Tales – (35) The Girl in The Black Dress

It was the midsummers Eve Ball and Luke Martin was enjoying an illicit cigar on the East Terrace of the great hall, and the reason he chose that particular place to smoke was because it was the furthest from the ballroom and therefore the furthest away from his wife’s disapproving eye but that wasn’t the only reason he always sought out that spot.

He also went there to be alone because he rarely saw another soul, he liked that, he liked the solitude, and he liked to enjoy his smoke in peace.

Luke looked up at the hunter’s moon hanging in the clear night sky as he exhaled the mellow smoke long and slow, which was when his peace was broken by the clip clop of stiletto heels on the flagstones.

He was just about to lambast the intruder for invading his retreat but when he turned to look at the source of his annoyance, he saw it was the girl in the black dress or more precisely Lady Samantha Lyndon-Sanders.

The black dress in question was a full-length evening dress which fitted her every contour and even in the moonlight it was patently obvious that she was completely naked beneath it.

“Hello Luke” she said “I thought I’d find you here”

“And you were looking for me why?” he said impatiently

“Oh, I just fancied a smoke” Samantha replied falsely

“I’d like to know where you have your cigarettes hidden” he said

“I don’t have any” she replied “but that’s alright I’ll share yours”

And Lady Samantha stood very close to him as she took the cigar from his hand and took a long drag on it, which Luke found strangely arousing, and they stood on the terrace in the moonlight together and smoked the stogie to a stub and then Luke flicked it into the night.

“Well what do we do now?” she said “The night is young”

But before Luke could answer she began kissing him passionately on the mouth which he instantly reciprocated while Lady Samantha Lyndon-Sanders pulled down his zip fly and expertly extracted the evidence of his arousal with her evening gloved hand.

Bits and pieces

UNDER A SLATE GREY SKY

Under a slate grey sky
Or against a back drop of blue
Crossing bridges
Over river and stream
Thru woods and fields
Onward and upward
Over hill and vale
Riding the rails
The Locomotive speeds
Across the countryside
The marvel of the age

IT’S THE END OF MY AUTUMN DAYS

It’s the end of my autumn days
When heavens siren sings
And amidst a russet dawn
I hear deaths silent wings

A HOUSE IS STILL JUST A HOUSE

A house is still just a house
Made of brick and plaster
It takes something else
If it’s a home that you’re after

And making the transition
Now that is the real trick
And whether you do it or not
Depends on the partner you pick

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY WAS IN FULL SWING

The office Christmas party
Was in full swing
Cheap plonk and nibbles
That kind of thing
From someone’s iPod
Loud Music played
And to that music
Eager bodies swayed

ALAS MEL SMITH

Melvin Kenneth "Mel" Smith (3 December 1952 – 19 July 2013)

Mel Smith
Comedian and writer,
Film director,
Producer and actor
Jack of all trades
Master of all

ENTER THE GARDEN HUMBLE BIRD

Enter the garden
Humble bird
Sing the sweetest
I have heard
Sing loves song
Upon the breeze
To your mate
Up in the trees
Bid her come
Courting on the wing
And with her
Brightly sing

HELLO MY LITTLE BUZZY BEE

Hello my little Buzzy bee
Amidst the flowers flying free
Gathering the Pollen busily
Make sweet honey just for me

AT THE END OF HIS LONG LIFE

At the end of his long life
A Godly man passes into heaven
Where he sits with God
And revues their Journey again

While he looked back
Sitting at Gods right hand
He saw it represented by
Two sets of footprints in the sand

But he noticed that at times
There was just one set
When he was at his lowest
And he was very upset

So he spoke to God and asked
That in the scene he was shown
Why at the hardest times
He walked the path alone

No my son you are mistaken
At those times God said
I thought it would be more fun
If we hopped instead