RCN HYMN

 

From the wards of emphysema

To the floors of maternity

We are proud to all be members

Of the nursing fraternity

 

We work for the sake of patients

As keep our hospital clean:

And we fight the daily battles

In blue or white or green

VERY POOR RECEPTION

 

An elderly man entered the surgery

And approached the receptionist

“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”

With a face that had never been kissed

And a manner to match she demanded

He tell her why he needed to go on the list

But he didn’t want to discuss it in reception

“You’ll have to tell me I really must insist”

Looking around at the other patients

'I’ve a problem with my dick', he replied

“You cannot say things like that

In the surgery” the receptionist chastised

“But you did ask me what was wrong

I must have misunderstood; sorry” he lied

“You should be a little more discreet

You have caused embarrassment I fear”

The Receptionist continued on

“You should say the problem is with your ear,

“You can be more frank with the doctor

But not cause any upset out here”

 

The man replied, “Why did you ask me

What was wrong, In front of everyone?

You shouldn't ask people questions

That could embarrass anyone”  
The man walked out, waited several minutes,

 And then returned to where he’d begun

“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”

He asked through dentures grit

The Receptionist smiled smugly

Enjoying the moment more than a bit

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he said

The Receptionist liked to see patients submit

“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

Then he loudly said “I can't piss out of it,”

MY DEAR OLD MOTHER

 

My dear old mother

Recently passed away

But it came to my attention

Only the other day

That she was in fact killed

By a “Mrs A”

ANAPHYLAXIS

 

I had to go to the hospital today

After I had been stung by a bee

And my head really swelled up

But the doctors said not to worry

It was just caused by anaphylaxis

Which I have to say surprised me

Because I went to school with her

And I thought she really liked me

NHS CUT BACKS # 10

 

The NHS has plans to save money

Which may leave the institution blighted

Audiologists haven’t heard a thing

And Ophthalmologists think them short sighted

Plastic Surgeons are being two faced

But Pathologists are dead against change

Podiatrists think them a step backwards

While Psychiatrists think them deranged

NHS CUT BACKS # 8

 

The NHS has plans to save money

Paediatricians think them too tough

But their complaints have been rejected

As they are not considered grown up enough

NHS CUT BACKS # 7

 

The NHS has plans to save money

But they plan’s maybe hard to pass

The Proctologists have responded

By telling them to stick them up their arse

TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS

 

I’ve just got back from Spain

Where I was taken queer

And not understanding a foreign quack

Was my biggest fear

 

Well, when we got to his gaff

 You’ll never guess what I saw

“English speaking Doctor”

 Written large upon the door

 

I thought what a good idea

A real turn up I would say

Then I got to wonder why

We don’t have them in the UK

NHS CUT BACKS # 6

 

The NHS has plans to save money

Which Pharmacologists won’t follow

Because they feel the cuts

Are simply a bitter pill to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 5

 

The NHS has plans to save money

Which some seem to accept, though

Cardiologists for example

Don’t have the heart to say no

NHS CUT BACKS # 4

 

The NHS has plans to save money

Which ENT consultants won’t follow

They won’t hear of budget cuts

They think the plans quite shallow

Which have got up their noses

And they find them hard to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 3

The NHS has plans to save money

And many are opposed to the suggestion

The Obstetricians feel that the government

Are labouring under a misconception

NHS CUT BACKS # 2

 

The NHS has plans to save money

And there has been opposition all right

But the Gastroenterologists

Don’t have the stomach for a fight

NHS CUT BACKS # 1

 

The NHS has plans to save money

As they are strapped for cash

The plans have got up the Allergists noses

And Dermatologists think them rash

MEDICAL PRACTICE

 

I refuse to go to the local doctors,

A medical practice part of the NHS

And I know beggars can’t be choosers

But they can practice on somebody else

HOSPITAL DUDE

 

The coolest dude at the hospital

Is the ultra sound guy

But when he is on holiday

It’s the hip replacement guy

I PHONED THE SWINE FLU HOTLINE

 

I phoned the swine flu hotline

When my chest started rattling

Because that was the advice

But all I got was crackling

RCN HYMN

 

From the wards of emphysema

To the floors of maternity

We are proud to all be members

Of the nursing fraternity

 

We work for the sake of patients

As keep our hospital clean:

And we fight the daily battles

In blue or white or green

CODE NAMED EPPING

 

I had occasion, this week to visit a close friend in hospital and while there I ran into another friend, Sheila who I hadn’t seen for about a year, who is a nurse.

She was on her way to get a coffee and as I had finished my visit and was on my way home, she suggested that I joined her so we could catch up.

So, half an hour and two cups of coffee later and having filled in the blanks of the previous twelve months we were joined by Karen another nurse.

As we sat their chatting over another cup of coffee I was intrigued as to why Karen kept referring to a third party as “Epping” for example “Epping did this” or “Epping did that”.

Finally, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked who Epping was and they both laughed, Karen almost hysterically, then Sheila explained that “Epping” was another nursing colleague called Su Monks.

I thought for a moment what the reason for calling her Epping might be, aware as I was that medical staff were famous for putting codes on patient notes such as NAB which translates to “needs a bath” or PITA “pain in the arse” I tried to decode Epping, the girls looked at me in amusement as I struggled, I even tried to find a link between Epping and the girls name but try as I may I could not translate Epping into anything so I had to ask.

“Alright I give in what does Epping mean”?

They both laughed again and then Sheila said, “We call her Epping because she’s just past Barking.”

IT CAN’T BE

No matter how bad it is when they tell you

You never quite believe it’s true

No matter the stories that are told to you

You never quite believe they’re true

No matter what anecdotes they quote to you

You never quite believe they’re true

Its only when you have endured the stress

You have truly experienced the NHS