DO YOU LIKE BUGS BUNNY?

 

Do you like bugs bunny?

Or maybe Peter Rabbit?

Floppsy, moppsy, cottontail?

No, oh you like a rampant rabbit

TODAY I CAUGHT MY GIRLFRIEND

 

Today I caught my Girlfriend

Having a solo liaison

Using a vibrator, in absolute silence

I thought “that’s not on”

IF GETTING SEXUAL GRATIFICATION

 

If getting sexual gratification

From the Beano is your belief

Then that would be known

To most people as Comic relief

A FIDDLER ON THE ROOF

 

I was Masturbating up on the roof

But unfortunately, I was seen

My boss gave me a second chance

So effectively wiped the slate clean

WHEN MUM TOLD ME THAT MASTURBATING

 

When mum told me that masturbating

Caused serious eye defects

I made the decision that I would stop

But not until I needed specs

ON THE VINE

 

My husband and I were

Visiting a vineyard

We were on holiday

To rekindle our passion

Which due to the side effects

Of his obesity

Sex was restricted

To only a special occasion

 

I’d lost sight of him briefly

Amidst the vines

When I found him

With an erection and at play

I looked at the vines

As he said Semi On, Semi On

I replied, “No not Sémillon

They’re Chardonnay”

WHEN ALBERT EINSTEIN

 

When Albert Einstein

Tugged on his penis

It was widely regarded

As a stroke of genius

SO PLEASE MAKE NO MISTAKE

 

There is definitely a difference,

So please make no mistake,

Between a bag of crisps and a condom

One of them you salt and shake

THAT’S A RELIEF

 

I was arrested in my local paper shop today

And taken to the nearest station without delay

I had masturbated over a copy of the Beano

But as it was for Comic Relief the police let me go

GET A GRIP

 

It was when I was at the hospital today

I had undressed and was sat waiting

When the nurse said quite sharply

“You really must stop masturbating”

 

Alarmed I asked with tremulous voice

“Why is there something wrong Nurse Pugh?

She looked at me unsympathetically and said

“No, it’s because I need to examine you”

THE PRIAPIC YOUTH

The priapic youth
Has a sexual obsession
He thinks about sex so much
He has a permanent erection

Even when it stands at ease
He will still have a semi on
And he will produce semen
Sufficient to fill a demijohn

Every thing in his life
Will turn on the priapic youth
To such an extent he is
Preoccupied with self abuse

A glimpse of a girl’s neck
Is enough to get him randy
Then it’s out with the old chap
For a quick hand shandy

He’ll wake with “an early riser”
Each and every morn
So he starts the day with a tug
On his “dawn horn”

He’ll pull the pud after breakfast
Beat his meat before brunch
He’ll knock one out at elevensies
And spank the monkey at lunch

After tea he chokes the chicken
In the shower he has a glop
Watching telly a knuckle shuffle
And in bed he’ll bash the bishop

Such is a day in the life
Of a priapic youth and his issues
Who masturbates to excess
And gets through a lot of tissues