SOME PEOPLE AREN’T SHAKING HANDS

 

Some people aren’t shaking hands

Because of the Coronavirus caper

But I’m no longer shaking hands

Due to the shortage of toilet paper

ARE YOU WEARING A SMUG EXPRESSION?

 

Are you wearing a smug expression?

Well, that can mean just one thing

As you’re dressed in that dark suit

You didn’t shake before letting it swing

WHAT’S A BIDET?

While looking at a hotel website

His granddaughter asked “What’s a Bidet?”

The old soldier smiled wryly and retorted

“It’s a couple of days before D-Day” 

NOT DOING UP YOUR FLY AFTER SPENDING A PENNY

 

Not doing up your fly after spending a penny

Makes you forgetful and nothing more,

It doesn’t mean you have Alzheimer’s

Its only senility if you forgot to unzip before

THE SIGN IN THE LAYBY READ

 

The sign in the layby read

“No dumping” it was hard to miss

But luckily it didn’t apply to me

Because I only needed a piss

MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER

My husband is like a petrol mower

Although he is considerably slower

They are both difficult to get started

Emit foul smells when they’ve farted

And are normally caked in grime

And they only work half the time

WHEN YOU WALK INTO THE BATHROOM

 

When you walk into the bathroom

You’re American

When you walk out of the bathroom

You’re American

But while you are in the bathroom

European

FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE POETRY

 

Falling in love is like poetry

But when she no longer calls

Don’t start writing her number

On every single toilet wall

POETRY CAN BE VERY ROMANTIC

 

Poetry can be very romantic

But it doesn’t work for all

And it doesn’t really count if

You write it on a toilet wall

MY WIFE’S BEEN GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT

 

My wife’s been giving me the silent treatment

Which I have enjoyed if truth to tell

But every silver lining has a cloud

When the silence was accompanied by a smell

FORGETFUL

 

I forget names; I forget faces

I even forget to zip up my fly

But by far the worst thing

Is forgetting to unzip your fly

HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER

 

He was a serious swimmer

And was in the pool constantly

But his progress was halted

In his lane, by an elderly lady

“How long must I wait?” he asked

She replied “until I finish my pee”

OH DEAR WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE

Oh, dear what can the matter be

Three old ladies locked in the lavatory

And it all happened last Saturday

And nobody knew they were there

 

The first old lady was totally batty

And she was in there each Saturday

As I say she was really quite batty

And nobody cared she was there

 

The second old lady said sweetly

“I’m no lady oh how you flatter me”

I’ve not been here before on a Saturday

And we were surprised she was there

 

The third old lady was an anomaly

He was a man called Ian from Battersea

He didn’t even know it was Saturday

And didn’t know why he was there

FESTIVAL TOILETS

 

At the festival toilets

There was a bit of a queue

Which got a bit out of hand

To my view

But we all survived

The Battle of Portaloo

IT WAS AT SOUTHWAITE SERVICES

 

It was at Southwaite services

Where I stopped though in a rush

And experienced for the first time

The disconcerting autoflush

 

I’m sure it’s quite an innovation

But it doesn’t work for me

When auto flush sprinkled my

Undercarriage Mid delivery

I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS

 

I got caught taking a piss

In the local swimming pool

The lifeguard shouted so loud,

I nearly fell in. the bloody fool

ARE YOU WEARING A FROWN?

 

Are you wearing a frown?

Is something getting you down?

It’s something I’ve done?

A broken rule? What another one?

Oh now what is that look about?

I’ve done it now, no doubt

Now your arms are folded

I’m about to get scolded

No I don’t have a clue

What I’ve done to upset you

If you don’t tell me I’ll never guess

The reason for your distress

So spit it out nice and plain

To avoid having to say it again

Ok so the reason for the frown

Is I didn’t put the loo seat down

SENIOR WINE

 

Forget the Pinot Grigio and its ilk

And the endless night time wee’s

Would you like anti-diuretic wine?

Then the Pinot More should please

REGULAR HABITS

 

I pee every morning at 6 am.

Like the proverbial racehorse

And I evacuate my bowels

30 minutes later in force

Which would be perfect

If by then I was awake of course

FLY TRAP

 

When you’ve been to the loo

And you’ve done what you must do

You give a little tap, tap, tap

To shake the drips of the old chap

But as you try to zip him back in

You catch a little bit of skin

Which really hurts your old chap

When he’s caught in the penis fly trap