THE FLATULENT CLOWN

 

At my son’s birthday party we had

A flatulent Clown, called Bunny,

Who lacked control, and every time

The Clown farted, it smelt funny

MY WIFE’S BEEN GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT

 

My wife’s been giving me the silent treatment

Which I have enjoyed if truth to tell

But every silver lining has a cloud

When the silence was accompanied by a smell

SENIOR NETWORKING

 

A young lady I met in the street

Asked of me “Sir, do you tweet”?

I answered, “No, of course not

But I have to say I do trump a lot.”

A FORCE OF NATURE

 

It may be like fabric tearing

Or maybe gunfire shooting

It may be like a trumpet sounding

Or some other musical tooting

 

It may be like a despairing sigh

Or like a balloon deflating

It may be like a duck quacking

Or some small mammals mating

 

But whether loud or soft

Short or long, musical, or flat

There’s one thing for sure

You can’t keep it in so that’s that

AN AIR OF DISAPPROVAL

 

I am not embarrassed

When the trumpet sounds

Like when Joshua brought

Jericho’s walls falling down

 

But my wife feels differently

And her face does frown

When I happen to loudly fart

As we are walking in town

CALL FOR SETH

 

If you need a job doing

Then you need Seth

He is cold, deadly

And as ruthless as Macbeth

He strikes with a deadly puff

A foul satisfying breath

He is the flatulator

The noxious dealer of death

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 2

 

The simplest pleasures in life

Requiring no payment or fee

But give the most satisfaction

In spite of their simplicity

Like the unparalleled relief

Of letting your wind go free

NOT WHAT IT SEEMS

 

Just because when you fart

It sounds like an angel’s breath

It doesn’t mean for a moment

That it will not smell like death

A TRIBUTE TO LE PÉTOMANE

 

I got the tell-tale sign

As I was stood in crowd

And I knew its containment

Would not be aloud

So, what should I do?

Release a silent gaseous cloud

And slowly move away

Or just let rip long and loud

A fart of which

Le Pétomane would be proud

TRAPPED WIND

 

You feel the gripey twinge

Your tummy starts to grown

It always happens in the lift

When you’re not alone

 

You know it won’t be held

You just hope there is time

To get off the lift

Before you commit the crime

 

And just when you think

You can’t hold it anymore

The lift comes to a stop

Though it’s not your floor

 

But you decide to get off

As you can’t hold it anymore

And release a quiet fart

As you step through the door

 

You sigh with relief

You made it just in time

And then the doors close

On the scene of the crime

 

And even though

You’re on the wrong floor

You know your smelly fart

Is the other side of the door

BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE OLD

 

Do you know why it is?

That old people like to keep a pet

Is it for the exercise?

Or a bit of company, better yet

 

Well, the truth of it is

And this will leave you all agog

It’s so when they bend down and break wind

They can blame it on the dog

WINDY WILL

 

Blow, blow thou inner wind -

Thou art so unkind

As man's flatulence

Thy toot is not so keen,

Because thou art not seen,

Although thy breath be rude

BREATH OF WIND

 

To break wind alfresco

Seems to me such a waste

If you can feel it coming

Move inside with all haste

Stand under the air conditioning

Then everyone gets a taste

FUMING WIFE

 

My wife was tragically overcome

By a very unsavoury hum

To which she did succumb

As a result of the deadly aroma

My wife of ten years, Oma

Now lies prone in a coma

But the main reason I’m so glum

Is that the offending noxious hum

Actually emanated from my bum

So, my dear wife alas and alack

Now lays motionless on her back

Because of her husband’s gas attack

LET YOUR WIND GO FREE

WINDY WILL

Blow, blow thou inner wind -
Thou art so unkind
As man's flatulence
Thy toot is not so keen,
Because thou art not seen,
Although thy breath be rude

UNCONTAINABLE

The fetor of the sewerage farm
With its strong offensive smell
Could not be easily confined
Behind the high palings of its cell

A TRIBUTE TO LE PÉTOMANE

I got the tell tale sign
As I was stood in crowd
And I knew its containment
Would not be aloud
So what should I do?
Release a silent gaseous cloud
And slowly move away
Or just let rip long and loud
A fart of which
Le Pétomane would be proud

TRAPPED WIND

You feel the gripey twinge
Your tummy starts to grown
It always happens in the lift
When you’re not alone

You know it wont be held
You just hope there is time
To get off the lift
Before you commit the crime

And just when you think
You cant hold it anymore
The lift comes to a stop
Though its not your floor

But you decide to get off
As you cant hold it anymore
And release a quiet fart
As you step through the door

You sigh with relief
You made it just in time
And then the doors closes
On the scene of the crime

And even though
You’re on the wrong floor
You know your smelly fart
Is the otherside of the door

CALL FOR SETH

If you need a job doing
Then you need Seth
He is cold, deadly
And as ruthless as MacBeth
He strikes with a deadly puff
A foul satisfying breath
He is the flatulator
The noxious dealer of death

NOT WHAT IT SEEMS

Just because when you fart
It sounds like an angels breath
It doesn’t mean for a moment
That it will not smell like death

A FORCE OF NATURE

It may be like fabric tearing
Or maybe gunfire shooting
It maybe like a trumpet sounding
Or some other musical tooting

It may be like a despairing sigh
Or like a balloon deflating
It maybe like a duck quacking
Or some small mamals mating

But whether loud or soft
Short or long, musical or flat
There’s one thing for sure
You can’t keep it in so that’s that

AN AIR OF DISAPPROVAL

I am not embarrassed
When the trumpet sounds
Like when Joshua brought
Jericos walls falling down

But my wife feel differently
And her face does frown
When I happen to loudly fart
As we are walking in town