WHENEVER I DECIDE TO EAT HEALTHILY

 

Whenever I decide to eat healthily,

In order to fit into my knickers,

I suddenly see a chocolate bar

Which then looks at me and snickers

I HAVE STARTED TO DO EXERCISE

 

I have started to do exercise,

But I am taking it slower

By only doing a gentle jog

Between the fridge and the sofa

I AM FAT AND MY GOAL IS TO SLIM DOWN

 

I am fat and my goal is to slim down

To a healthy weight that my heart can afford

But for now, my ambition is to put

Half a box of chocolates back in the cupboard

DIETING TIP # 7

This is a sure-fire way of slimming down

As dieting tips go it’s an absolute winner

If you make sure you associate with the obese

You will automatically look thinner 

DIETING TIP # 8

 

Regarding the eating of broken biscuits

I think I have a tip that might assuage

Cookie pieces contain no calories as

Breaking them causes calorie leakage

MY WIFE HAS PUT ME ON A VERY STRICT DIET

 

My wife has put me on a very strict diet

And eating before bed has been discouraged

But if we weren’t meant to have midnight snacks

Then why is there a light on in the fridge

DIETING TIP # 6

 

Foods and drinks used

For their medicinal qualities

Such as hot chocolate or brandy

Have no calorie’s

DIETING TIP # 5

 

If you drink a diet coke

With a chocolate bar

They cancel each other

Out, so there you are

No calories count

For the chocolate bar

DIETING TIP # 4

 

When you eat with someone else

Anything consumed off their plate

Is calorie free because they will

Cling to the other person’s plate

DIETING TIP # 3

 

I don’t know all the science involved

It’s something to do with gravity

But anything you consume while you

Are standing up contains no calories

DIETING TIP # 2

 

When you eat with someone else

Calories don't count for you

Just as long as you don’t eat

Any more food than they do

DIETING TIP # 1

 

When you are alone

And you eat something

It has no calories, as long

As no one sees a thing

DIETING TIP # 9

Things licked off knives and spoons,

Which can be any soupcon or delicacy,

During the process of preparation

Are absolutely devoid of calories 

THE SLIMMER OF THE YEAR

 

The Slimmer of the year

To her absolute surprise

Was last night presented

With the no Belly Prize

ASK A STUPID QUESTION # 1

 

As I came out of the chippy

With two steak and kidney pies

Large chips and mushy peas,

An old wino, with sad eyes

Said “I haven’t eaten for two days”

Pausing I looked to the skies

Then I replied “I wish that I

Had will power like you guys”

SUPPORT GROUP – WEIGHT PROBLEMS

 

Do you suffer from a weight problem?

Well that’s what Support groups are for

We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.

Please use the large double door

 

THE LATEST FAD

 

I’ve been on every diet known to man

Atkins, Lemonade, Cabbage and f-plan

And I’ve never lost a thing worthy of mention

But I try every new one, full of good intention

Now I'm on the Whisky diet, which I’m taking steady

And do you know I've lost three days already.

A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

A balanced diet

Is what is planned

Which invariably

Means I understand

Something healthy

Something bland

 

A healthy lifestyle

Is what is planned

So, a balanced diet

If I might expand

Does not involve

A pie in each hand

I FORGET TO EAT

 

There was a rather vacuous

Skinny girl who irritated me

“Sometimes I forget to eat”

The silly girl said to me

Now I’ve forgotten things

Where I parked the car

My mother's maiden name

Keys for the house and the car

And once even where I lived

But I’ve never forgotten to eat

I’ve been too busy or too tired

But not so stupid I forgot to eat

I HAVE STARTED TO DO EXERCISE

 

I have started to do exercise,

But I am taking it slower

By only doing a gentle jog

Between the fridge and the sofa