PUT THE CAT OUT

 

“Can you put the cat out?”

I heard my angry wife shout

“No, it can use the cat flap”

I immediately shouted back

She then screamed “Put it out!”

And again “put the cat out!”

And each scream got higher

“Because the cat is on fire!”

AT THE END OF THE DAY

 

At the end of the day

Cats enjoy a drink

And the love to hear

The Mice cubes chink

THE CAT AND THE SQUIRREL

 

Look at me, the young cat purred

Look I am a very clever kitty

I am a huntress to be admired

I’ve caught a Squirrel as big as me

I deserve a treat for my cleverness

I’ve this trophy for you to see

And you need never know

It fell out of a tree

I HAVE A NUMBER OF CATS

 

I have a number of cats, but one

Is a mischievous kitten

Who swallowed a ball of wool

As a result she had Mittens

MY UNCLE IS A GREAT CAT LOVER

 

My Uncle is a great cat lover

And he’s always been a smashing bloke

But after he came to visit, my cat

Is recovering from a massive stroke

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CATS AND DOGS

The difference between

Cats and dogs is easily seen

Because Dogs have owners

Whereas Cats have helpers

THE FELINE ESTABLISHMENT

 

An important element of

The Feline establishment

Is the Cat Constabulary

Known as Claw enforcement

A CAT CALLED BOWLING

 

We have a cat called “Bowling”

So why did we call him that?

It’s obvious when you think about it

Because “Bowling” is an Alley cat

I WAS TOLD SOMETHING INTERESTING

 

I was told something interesting

By the RSPCA Man

He said Dogs can’t have an MRI

But explained that CatsCan

THE HEAD OF GLOBAL SALES

 

The head of global sales

Bought a new kitten today

And when he took it home

He took it to the litter tray

And then he said “let’s not

Think outside the box, ok”

EVERY TOM

 

When you hear

The chorus, from where

The alley cat’s tarry

Just remember

That every tom

Has a dick, Harry

PROS AND CONS FOR BECOMING A CAT OWNER

 

I was told I should buy a cat

“Why on earth would I do that?”

“They’re good company” they say

“And they keep the mice away”

Well eventually they convinced me

And I admit its good company

As to the expelling from my house

Of every type and size of mouse

They are a great disappointment

And their failure is evident

It is they who bring in a mouse

Into the comfort of my house

As a toy with which they play

But they let the toy get away

Now the mouse is here to stay

MY KIDS ARE MAD AT ME

 

I put Ginger in the Curry

And my kids are angry at that

I thought it was very tasty

But they really loved that cat

MY DAD HAD TO HAVE HIS CAT PUT DOWN

 

My Dad had to have his cat put down

It was all terribly sad

He didn’t find that the lethal injection

Was all that bad

But what the vet said afterwards

Really upset my Dad

“That’s the first of the injections

Out of the way Mr Plaid

Only another eight to go”

Which was when Pop went mad

MY CAT IS A FUSSY EATER # 2

 

My cat is a fussy eater

That’s not uncommon for a Siamese

And some days only RATatouille

On a bed of Mice will please

MY CAT IS A FUSSY EATER # 1

 

My cat is a fussy eater

That’s not uncommon for a Siamese

And for breakfast she will only eat

A bowl of Mice Crispies

BREAKFAST FOR MAISIE

 

This morning, mewing loudly

The cat greeted me

She clearly wanted her breakfast

So I gave her mewsly

BLACKBERRY CAT, RIP

 

BLACKBERRY 07/09/1991 to 04/11/2010

 

No more will I hear

Your most contented purr

That made you dribble on your fur

No more will I be greeted at the door

By your hello meow

No more will you pirouette around my feet

And perform your excited meal time dance

No more will you curl up on my lap

While I watch TV

No more will you curl up on the bed

When I go to sleep

Never again will I wake up

To hear your morning purr

For you have no more mornings

While you sleep your eternal sleep

You were more than a cat

You were a welcoming friend

A quiet companion

You were a constant

And I will miss you Blackberry

BLACKBERRY CAT

 

You had to go out on such a filthy day

Even though you have a litter tray

I suppose outside there is fun to be had

And you’re still active so I should be glad

But why is it that you deign to re-enter?

Taking a path right across the centre

With half the garden on your paws

Only after I’ve washed all the floors

LILLIE AND GOLDIE

In the garden little Lillie

Was digging with great Endeavour

When she was spotted by Mrs. Gish

Her very nosy neighbor

 

Mrs. Gish leant on the fence

And asked, “What are you doing Lillie"?

“My goldfish Goldie died

So I’m digging a hole to bury it, see”?

 

“You silly little girl” she replied

That hole is far too big for a goldfish

Smiling Lillie looked up and said

“Not when it’s inside your cat Mrs. Gish”