SEATBELT ANXIETY

 

My seatbelt wouldn’t fasten

I thought I had been tricked

But couldn’t work out just how

To do it up and then it clicked

A MAN BOUGHT AN EXPENSIVE GERMAN CAR

 

A man bought an expensive German car

Primarily to impress his friends

Unfortunately, he drove it into a tree

And found out how a Mercedes bends

A THOUSAND MILE JOURNEY # 1

 

A journey of a thousand miles

Begins with a single step apparently

Well that’s the philosophical view

It begins with a broken fan belt in reality

MY WIFE MADE ME GO CAR HUNTING WITH HER

 

My wife made me go car hunting with her

As we have a family she wanted a People Carrier

And the trip went okay until I upset her

When I said that every car was a people carrier

THE ROADS WERE UNEVEN AND BUMPY

 

The roads were uneven and bumpy,

Potholed and rutted

Which is no more than what

You come to expect

Of a third world country

Unfortunately, I was driving in Surrey

I WENT TO A LECTURE ON TYRE TECHNOLOGY

I went to a lecture on tyre technology

But during the lecture from hell

The lecturer told a joke about a puncture

Which I thought went down well 

BIMBETTE AND THE CAR POOL

 

Bimbette got locked out of her car

In the pouring rain

She had forgotten her keys

So went back in the house again

When she got in the car

She started to frown

The seats were soaked

Because the roof had been down

FOGHORN LEGHORN’S COOP

 

Have you ever wondered why?

A chicken coop has two doors?

Because it would obviously be

A chicken Sedan if it had four

THE CHILDREN LIKE TO SING

 

The children like to sing

In the family broom, broom

Anything and everything

The kids call them cartoons

SOME YOUNGSTERS ARE BREAKING INTO CARS

Some youngsters are breaking into cars,

They are proper little devils,

They do it in multi-story car parks

And that’s wrong on so many levels 

DON’T PICK UP HITCHHIKERS

 

“Don’t pick up hitchhikers”

I was told “don’t do it ever”

Unless of course it was you

Who actually ran them over

RED MINI

 

My dad bought a new red Mini

He had it parked up at home

With a go faster stripe down the side

And brightly polished chrome

 

It had leather seats

And the dash was polished wood

It was nineteen sixty-two

And it looked like a Mini should

MY SATNAV IS A VERY HELPFUL DEVICE

 

My Satnav is a very helpful device

But you don’t need to take its advice

Sometimes you have to give it a rest

Because it doesn’t always know best

I BOUGHT MYSELF A SATNAV

 

I bought myself a Satnav

I got in the car, turned it on

And I put it on my dash

 

And it told me where I was

Like I didn’t know already

What a waste of bloody cash

MY SATNAV HAS AUDIBLE ALARMS

 

My Satnav has audible alarms

They make each journey fraught

So, I think I’ll trade it in

And buy the silent sort

I FOLLOWED A CAR WITH A BUMPER STICKER

 

I followed a car with a bumper sticker

“Vets drive like an animal” Was the gist

Then I was almost run off the road

By what must have been a Gynaecologist

RED FERRARI

 

Me and a Red Ferrari

Are not best suited are we?

For I can get in easily

But can’t get out with dignity

TRAFFIC COP – SOMETHING IN COMMON

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

But don’t say to the men in blue

“Well in order to catch me

You must have been speeding too”

TRAFFIC COP – CONDITIONAL

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

But just don’t overdo it

By asking “I thought cops

Had to be reasonably fit”

TRAFFIC COP – SERIOUS BUMMER

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

But avoid the obvious bummer

By not asking the cop

If he is dumb or dumber