THE CROWBAR

 

It is a little-known fact, that before

They discovered the crowbar

It was necessary for the crows

To go to the woods to have a jar

I ONCE GOT THROWN OUT OF BIRD WORLD

 

I once got thrown out of Bird World

It was the first expulsion I’d had

And it was for making a parrot giggle

It was polly tickle correctness gone mad

IN MY BACK GARDEN DURING LAST WINTER

 

In my back garden during last Winter

I saw the strangest of things

The fattest Robin I’ve ever seen

It was like a cricket ball with wings

CROWS HAVE FOUR WING FEATHERS

 

Crows have four wing feathers,

Ravens have five,

They’re called pinions

So, the difference between

A crow and a raven

Is just a matter of a pinion

NATURE IS A REALLY WONDERFUL THING

 

Nature is a really wonderful thing

But I particularly like Hummingbirds

And there is a reason why they hum

It’s because they don’t know the words

WOULD YOU THINK ME QUITE MAD

 

Would you think me quite mad

If I asked what bird is always sad

If not, what bird would you say

And would you say the blue jay

PURPLE FINCH

 

Have you ever seen a Purple Finch?

Apparently, I did indeed once see one

I didn’t know it at the time of course

Because they are actually Crimson

WHY ARE BABY FLAMINGO’S

Why are baby Flamingo’s

Always allowed to mess around?

It’s simply because the parents

Won’t put their foot down 

A REAL HUMDINGER

 

A man made a boast

It was a real humdinger

“I can turn this duck

Into a soul singer”

 

He repeated his boast

Despite being mocked

And made a wager

That left them shocked

 

They took the bet

That was a real humdinger

To see him turn a duck

Into a soul singer

 

He said as he took the duck

That he called Mr Smithers

“Now I’ll put it in the microwave

Until its bill withers”

THE USES OF GOOSES # 2

 

Be warned about the use of a goose

If well roasted in goose grease

You will have cooked your goose

And caused a decrease in your geese

THE USES OF GOOSES # 1

 

One use of a goose

Is as a guard goose

As part of their charm

They give the alarm

However, guard geese

Aren’t easy to cease

AN OSTRICH'S EYE IS BIGGER

An ostrich's eye is bigger

Than its brain, apparently

I have known quite a few

People afflicted similarly

I LOVE PENGUINS AND ALWAYS HAVE

 

I love Penguins and always have

But have you ever wondered which side

Of a Penguin has the most feathers?

It’s ok it’s a trick question as its the outside

WOULD YOU THINK ME QUITE MAD

 

Would you think me quite mad

If I asked what bird is always sad

If not, what bird would you say

And would you say the blue jay

I DISCOVERED MY FAVOURITE DUCK WAS SICK # 4

I discovered my favourite duck was sick

Unfortunately, his behaviour needs to be adjusted

All though in truth he just doesn't fit in

The medical definition is that he’s Mallardjusted.

PET LOVER

The Brits love pets

Some even have a few

The man on the street

And celebrities too

And even Julian Clary

Has a Cockatoo

PRETTY *!£$*!**!%$** POLLY

 

My uncle had a parrot when I was young

It was a blue and yellow colored bird

He got it first when he was a naval man

And it had the foulest mouth you ever heard

 

It would swear in front of my old aunts

All the neighbors and even the reverend

Next time the punishment would be severe

After every outburst the parrot was warned

 

The bird thought they were empty threats

So, the parrot did swear a further time

And the punishment was extremely severe

He was thrown into the freezer for his crime

 

He was shivering and cold and very sorry

When he was let out after an hour or two

He apologized unreservedly but asked

Tell me what on earth did that chicken do?

Bits and pieces

UNDER A SLATE GREY SKY

Under a slate grey sky
Or against a back drop of blue
Crossing bridges
Over river and stream
Thru woods and fields
Onward and upward
Over hill and vale
Riding the rails
The Locomotive speeds
Across the countryside
The marvel of the age

IT’S THE END OF MY AUTUMN DAYS

It’s the end of my autumn days
When heavens siren sings
And amidst a russet dawn
I hear deaths silent wings

A HOUSE IS STILL JUST A HOUSE

A house is still just a house
Made of brick and plaster
It takes something else
If it’s a home that you’re after

And making the transition
Now that is the real trick
And whether you do it or not
Depends on the partner you pick

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY WAS IN FULL SWING

The office Christmas party
Was in full swing
Cheap plonk and nibbles
That kind of thing
From someone’s iPod
Loud Music played
And to that music
Eager bodies swayed

ALAS MEL SMITH

Melvin Kenneth "Mel" Smith (3 December 1952 – 19 July 2013)

Mel Smith
Comedian and writer,
Film director,
Producer and actor
Jack of all trades
Master of all

ENTER THE GARDEN HUMBLE BIRD

Enter the garden
Humble bird
Sing the sweetest
I have heard
Sing loves song
Upon the breeze
To your mate
Up in the trees
Bid her come
Courting on the wing
And with her
Brightly sing

HELLO MY LITTLE BUZZY BEE

Hello my little Buzzy bee
Amidst the flowers flying free
Gathering the Pollen busily
Make sweet honey just for me

AT THE END OF HIS LONG LIFE

At the end of his long life
A Godly man passes into heaven
Where he sits with God
And revues their Journey again

While he looked back
Sitting at Gods right hand
He saw it represented by
Two sets of footprints in the sand

But he noticed that at times
There was just one set
When he was at his lowest
And he was very upset

So he spoke to God and asked
That in the scene he was shown
Why at the hardest times
He walked the path alone

No my son you are mistaken
At those times God said
I thought it would be more fun
If we hopped instead

BIRD ON A REED

A reed moves
Under a birds meagre weight
The reed disturbs the calm water
Ripples echo outwards
Across the lake
Flat calm on a balmy eve
Each ripple expands out
And with each inch it grows
It stretches and diminishes
Until it is no more
Until another bird settles
On another reeds stem