72 Miles From The Sea

A QUESTION OF SPORT

2012-02-15T05:14:00.001-08:00

A GAME OF ARRA’S

Me and some friends
Fancied a game of darts
I said, “Nearest the bull
To see who starts”
Johnny went “Woof”
And I went “Baah”
Then Danny went “Moo”
He was the closest by far

GOOD OLD FIFA

Good old FIFA
Are getting very fat
With a fee for this
And a fee for that

A GAME OF ALL FOURS

When she suggested
A game of all fours
I thought that meant
Getting into her drawers
But no I was wrong
Which is a shame
It turns out “all fours”
Is just a card game

ACED

My uncle sadly died at Wimbledon
He was a killed by a tennis ball
I wasn’t too sad at the funeral
It was a lovely service after all

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS FOURS?

Are you wearing plus fours?
Well they look just the job
The tweeds with argyle socks
But you do look like a nob

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS TWOS?

Are you wearing plus twos?
Well listen, here’s the bad news
It looks as though the plus twos
Have fallen out with your shoes

ARE YOU WEARING OLYMPIC SUITS?

Are you wearing Olympic suits?
Well you’re looking very smart
You’re Essex lads aren’t you?
I bet you can’t wait for it to start
You will show to the world at large
That you have good hearts
When you’re lighting the torches
Show us you possess some smarts
For I hope there is more to you
When the 2012 Olympiad starts
Than dropping your tailored trousers
And lighting up your farts

OK MY LITTLE SEX POODLE

“Ok my little sex poodle
Get up those stairs right now
Quickly get up those stairs
You horny little cow”

“Oh you sweet talker
You have the gift and how
I’m your spanky sex poodle
I’m your willing little frau”

“No I mean it get upstairs
You don’t have to kowtow
Just get upstairs without delay
The match is starting now”

THE BEST IN THE WORLD

I wont hear a word against our tennis players
It’s true that they certainly have their detractors
But I have always thought British players
Make truly world-class tennis commentators

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS

2012-02-15T05:13:00.001-08:00

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 1

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at our salon
He doesn’t really communicate
And he scares a lot of the customers
When is says “Exfoliate, exfoliate”

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 2

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at our uni
He doesn’t really communicate
And he scares a lot of the students
When is says “Extrapolate, Extrapolate”
SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 3

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Vatican
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the devout
When it says Excommunicate, Excommunicate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 4

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Old Bailey
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Barristers
When it says Exonerate, Exonerate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 5

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Old Bailey
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Barristers
When it says Extenuate, Extenuate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 6

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Uni
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the debaters
When it says Expostulate, Expostulate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 7

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at Tesco’s
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the shoppers
When it says Extortionate, Extortionate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 8

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the theme park
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the visitors
When it says Exhilarate, Exhilarate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 9

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as a Miner
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the workers
When it says Excavate, Excavate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 10

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Hotel
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Guests
When it says Remunerate, Remunerate

ARE YOU WEARING? # 1

2012-02-15T05:09:00.003-08:00

ARE YOU WEARING LILY OF THE VALLEY?

Are you wearing
“Lily of the valley”?
It smells very much
Like you are Sally
So don’t deny it
I can tell that it’s true
“Lily of the valley”?
How old are you?

ARE YOU WEARING BODY PAINT?

Are you wearing body paint?
Don’t tell me that you aint
Now you’ve got me in a fluster
I can see its glorious lustre
What a sexy sight to savour
What? It’s chocolate flavour?
Don’t tease me now stop it
There’s only one thing can top it
I’ll tell you and no mistake
And that’s a Cadbury’s flake

ARE YOU WEARING A FLOWER?

Are you wearing a flower?
Pinned to your lapel
A Rose or a Carnation
So your date can easily tell
Who you are in the crowd
And you can see them as well

But if you cannot spot them
Stood beneath the tower
And you find yourself alone
Long after the allotted hour
Somewhere on the floor
Will be a discarded flower

ARE YOU WEARING A CARNATION?

Are you wearing a carnation?
To mark you out at the station
As you stand beneath the clock
In your best evening frock
Or do you keep it under your cloak
Until you get a look at the bloke
And if you don’t fancy him
Do you throw it in the bin?

ARE YOU WEARING UNDER CRACKERS?

Are you wearing under crackers?
To cover up your knackers
Is the boxer revolution
Your best underwear solution
Or do they dangle to and fro
As you walk about commando

ARE YOU WEARING A WEDDING RING?

Are you wearing a wedding ring?
Well never mind about that old thing
You’re only married, you haven’t died
Come on you know you want to inside
Don’t worry about the wedding ring
Come on have some fun let’s have a fling

ARE YOU WEARING AN ENGAGEMENT RING?

Are you wearing an engagement ring?
Oh isn’t it a beautifully sparkly thing
It clearly signifies as it sparkles in the light
That you haven’t yet married Mr Right
So even if the answer might well be no
It’s definitely well worth giving it a go

ARE YOU WEARING A NEGLIGEE?

Are you wearing a negligee?
It’s really very nice, I must say
I can see through it all the way
Every line, every curve, every dip
But if I might just offer a little tip
The foliage could do with a clip

ARE YOU WEARING CLEAN UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing clean underwear?
That’s what my mum asked me. I swear
Every time I left the house to go out
Are you wearing clean underwear? She’d shout
As I proceeded swiftly with my fleeing
But her concern was not for my well being
She was worried about her embarrassment
If I were to suffer a serious accident
And be undressed by the nursing staff
Where my dirty pants would raise a laugh

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING WICKED?

Are you wearing something wicked?
Are you black clad beneath the white?
Underneath your dress are you silkily encased?
For a very wicked wedding night

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SHOCKING?

Are you wearing something shocking?
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Well it’s not the stockings and suspenders
But your tattooed arse that will cause distress

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

2012-02-15T05:07:00.001-08:00

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 231

Ky-me Nay-mo
Kilt-a ky-mo
Ky-me nay-mo
Ky-me
Man dig that scat cat daddio

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 232

Rim strim stram-a-diddle
Larra-bum-a-ring ting
Rig-num bulletin a-ky-mo!

Ah that’s Jazz man

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 233

Leg over leg,
As the man went to Dover;
When he came to a girl
He got his leg over

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 234

Miss Jane had a bag
It was robbed in a minute
She opened the bag
And a scouser was in it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 235

As I was going by Charing Cross,
A cyclist ran me down of course

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 236

To market, to market, a gallop a trot,
To buy some meat to put in the pot;
Make sure its meat don’t let them con you
I won’t be impressed if you come home with tofu

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 237

There was a little guinea-pig,
In my neighbours house
Why?
Anybody?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 238

There was an old woman
Tucked up in a basket
They use them now
Instead of a casket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 239

My father left me three acres of land,
Oh grand, oh grand
And what can be found on this land?
Only sand, just sand

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 240

Buzz wuzz was that little fly
And how he loved to caper
Up and down the room he flew
Until I hit it with my paper

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 241

St. Swithin's day if thou dost rain
For forty days it will remain
And that’s the English summer for you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 242

St. Swithin's day if thou be fine
For forty days the sun will shine
And if you believe that you’ll believe anything

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 243

The Barber shaved the Mason,
And then at the close
The barber did propose
Something for the weekend sir?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 244

John Cook was a cyclist
All licra clad
He rides the road and the pavement
Equally as bad

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 245

John Cook was riding up
Shooter's Bank,
Pedalling fast
He thought running red lights a bit of a prank

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 246

John Cook was riding up
Shooter's Hill,
Pedalling fast
Pedestrians scattering to avoid being killed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 247

John Cook was riding down the road
Pedalling fast
He hit a pothole
And has ridden his last

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 248

To market, to market, to buy a plum cake;
Make sure it’s a plum cake, don’t make a mistake
I don’t want a Battenberg at any price
Because it is foreign and not very nice

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 249

To market, to market to buy a fat piggy;
Make sure its not skinny or twiggy
To market, to market, to buy us a hog;
Make sure you don’t come home with a dog

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 251

Mary hand a little lamb
The sweetest lamb devised
But when all said and done
The midwife was surprised

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 252

Mary hand a little lamb
And how sweet the lamb looks
Then the midwife said
“Well that’s one for the text books”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 253

There once was a lady named Paddy Rabbitt
Who had a flat in Tower Bridge she did inhabit
But no one would believe it
Not a living soul would have it
That a flat in Tower Bridge housed Paddy Rabbitt

For StanTheMan

A Christmas Selection Box # 11

2011-12-01T06:10:00.001-08:00

EVER SO HUMBLE

When toward my bed I stumble
My wife greets me with a grumble
“Hello my little apple crumble”
I say as in her nightgown I fumble
My advances are met with a mumble
“Dearest, my desire is quite humble
A little bit of rough and tumble”
Her reply is yet another mumble
But we did have a Christmas fumble

SANTA AND HIS LITTLE ELF

Santa and his little Elf
Have been dismissed
For activities undertaken
When they were pissed
That got both of them
Put on the naughty list

CHRISTMAS SWEATER

My sister in law
Fills a sweater well
I think she’s rather hot
The truth to tell

For Christmas
I bought for her
A button fronted
Lambs wool sweater

I want to see her in it
I just can’t wait
She has a figure
To really fascinate

It has ten buttons
It’ll be a tight fit
Very figure hugging
That’s how I like it

She has breasts
Quite first rate
She has curves
That really titillate

She has a figure
To really fascinate
Of the ten buttons
She’ll only fasten eight

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKS?

Are you wearing Christmas knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Christmas knickers
What wonderful Christmas fare

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO

Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho
Is Santa’s motto
And Santa thought that
He’d won the lotto
When he scored big
With three girls so hot-o
They were doing things
In Santa’s grotto
That Santa’s and Elves
Should definitely not-o
But merry Christmas
Ho Ho Ho is his motto

SANTA AND ELFIE

Santa and Elfie
Were caught in the buff
At it in the grotto,
Santa and his bit of stuff
The store manager
Decided to get tough
And sacked them
Saying enough was enough
Now Santa’s not jolly
In fact he’s quite gruff
As Santa’s little helper
Is now up the duff

DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA

Against my better judgement
I took my young son to the store
And we queued up for an hour
So he could see Santa Claus

The grotto was cheap and nasty
It was a terrible site to behold
I thought the whole thing a rip off
And my son thought he was too old

Santa’s little helper was pregnant
The head Elf was high as a kite
But I thought if we stayed in line
Every thing would turn out alright

Well he climbed onto Santa’s lap
To tell him his Christmas wish
But Santa smelled of whisky
And his trousers smelled of piss

It was about making memories
Well, according to my wife
But instead of a memorable visit
I think we scarred him for life

NEW FOR CHRISTMAS

There is to be a new sanitary product
That is set to make cash registers ring
A new tampon in the shops by Christmas
That comes complete with a tinsel string

The retailers are extremely confident
And believe that sales will be myriad
But they have been at pains to stress
They are only meant for the festive period

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas stockings?
Beneath your long red coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Christmas
For a certain horny old goat

DEAR SWEET CINDERELLA

Dear sweet Cinderella
Does no one love you at all?
Is that the real reason?
You’re not going to the ball

Or is there another reason
Are you just too sweet?
Just simply too demure
To be given such a treat

If your morals were looser
You would gain a reputation
And you would be asked
Without any hesitation

A stain on your character
Will show blacker than cinders
And you will go to the ball
And have a ball dear Sin-ders

BRANDISHING YOUR MISTLETOE

It’s Christmas Eve so off you go
Start brandishing your mistletoe
March off purposely through the snow
To find yourself a Christmas ho

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS GARTERS?

Are you wearing Christmas garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Christmas garters?

IT’S THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO

It’s the office Christmas do
So let’s have a tipple or two
We can drink the Spanish sherry
We can drink until we’re merry
Then into an office we’ll stumble
And we’ll have a Christmas fumble
CHRISTMAS NEW BORN

You came into our lives
A fighter and a screamer
Born to us at Christmas
Just like our redeemer

And how we loved you
Right from the very start
But naming you was hard
What name should we impart?

Then like a light coming on
The answer rang like a bell
You were born at Christmas
So we would call you Noelle

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too

A Christmas Selection Box # 10

2011-12-01T06:09:00.001-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
I hear the bell chimes
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The best of all times
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The old and the new
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas to you

ALL ACROSS THIS COUNTRY

All across this country
All across this land
All across the world
His route is carefully planned

To keep ahead of the sun
To miss the no fly zones
Avoid the passenger planes
And steer clear of traffic cones

He must carefully time his mission
To a schedule carefully trialled
To ensure its full success
And not disappoint a single child

JOY BRINGER, TOY BRINGER

Joy bringer
Toy bringer
He’s the real McCoy
For every girl and boy

NOT A THRIFT GIVER

Not a thrift giver
But a gift giver
Santa will forever
Have love to deliver

THIS IS OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS

This is our first Christmas
As husband and wife
The very first Christmas
Of our married life
This is our first Christmas
Together in our house
The very first Christmas
With my very own spouse

PUT ASIDE YOUR SADNESS

Put aside your sadness
Lose yourself in the madness
That is Christmas,
Come spend it with us
Come and you will see
That with cherished company
The season will be a little brighter
And the weight on your heart a little lighter

THEY ARE THE THREE KINGS

There are three things
That Christmas brings
They are the three kings

Trimming and dec-king
Gratefully than-king,
And memory ma-king,

I DON’T WANT TO WISH YOU

I don’t want to wish you
A happy holiday
No that I will not say

I’m not going to wish you
A happy yuletide
No that I will not abide

I’m not going to wish you
A happy festive period,
No and the reasons are myriad

I’m not going to wish you
A happy winter festival
No, that isn’t suitable

I’m going to wish to you
A very happy Christmas
So have a very Happy Christmas

MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU

My Christmas gift to you
Is not wrapped up in coloured paper,
Tied with ribbon and bows
And hidden beneath the tree
It’s visible for all to see
It is written on my face
Like ink on parchment
It spills out from my heart
Like boiling milk from a pan
It emanates from my every pore
And surrounds us all
My Christmas gift to you
Is my never ending love

PS – there are gifts under the tree as well

WHEN CHRISTMAS WEARS ITS TINSELLED GOWN

When Christmas wears its tinselled gown
Joy fills the streets around the town
We must banish those who wear a frown
As we celebrate the King with the holy crown

A CHRISTMAS DREAM

It was just another dream
That I awoke from that morn
It was a very familiar dream
A regular one rather well worn

The theme was the same as usual
The dream was all about you
Just another stupid dream
That will never come true

But it wasn’t exactly the same
It was a variation on a theme
This time it had changed
It was a Christmas dream

But this time it felt so real
Will it ever come true?
This Christmas dream of mine
About spending Christmas with you

A Christmas Selection Box # 9

2011-12-01T06:08:00.001-08:00

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC)

Candles burn on advent crown,
Holly boughs are cut,
Red ribbon binds the wreath, and
Incense fragrances the air
Spices make the senses tingle
Treats await the patient lip, as
Merriment is close at hand,
Anticipation keenly felt, as the
Special day grows near

I WOULD GIVE TO YOU ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

I would give to you
On Christmas morning
The gift of love
Contained within my heart
So I could deliver it
And to show good faith
I would wrap it in my soul
Then you would have the best of me
For with no heart and soul
I am but an empty shell
So I would give you that as well
And then you would have all of me

CHRISTMAS IS A GIFT

Christmas is a gift
A gift to the world
Of infinite grace
A special gift
Of redemption for all
Don’t cast it aside

CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

Celebrate Christmas
With Christ, in his house
With his love in your heart
You can’t celebrate him
In a pub, or in gluttony and avarice
At the shopping mall

ON A STILL CLEAR NIGHT

The shepherds rested in the firelight
When they were woken on a still clear night
By heavens choir hastening them
To go forth unto Bethlehem
The heavenly choir
Sang of Gods desire
To give the world his son
His one and only one
The choir continued to sing
And announced the birth of a king

LONELY THIS CHRISTMAS

I want you with me at Christmas
I want you to be at home
And I know it’s not possible
But I just don’t want to be alone

MISSING YOU

We want you home at Christmas
We want you to spend it with us
But we understand the reason why
And we promise to try not to cry
We will spend Christmas on our own
Until you come marching safely home

THE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS

When first you hear
A seasonal refrain
You know its time
To climb the ladder again
Up to the attic
Amongst the dust
To find the box
That is a must.
Where your heart will lift
At its very sight
And when in hand
You’ll grip it tight
Such is its precious nature
A box of magic
Of which its loss
Would be so tragic
For so special are
The boxes contents
Because this box
Contains the ornaments
That will grace the tree
And each trinket and angel
Every bell and bauble
Has a special tale to tell
For every ornament
That hangs upon the tree
Holds its own
Christmas memory

ITS NOT THAT I’M ANTI SOCIAL

I won’t come to the pub
Thank you all the same
Not in celebration
No thanks I will refrain

I will go to church
Thank you all the same
To celebrate the day
That the Lord came

UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN

Don’t worry that the little ones
Will be up at the crack of dawn
It is worth it to see the simple joy
In their eyes on Christmas morn

SOMETHING MAGICAL IS HAPPENING

Something magical is happening
Can you feel it?
Something special is on its way
You all love it

Christmas is coming and hearts
Are full to brimming
Because Christmas is abiding love
With all the trimmings

A Christmas Selection Box # 8

2011-12-01T06:07:00.001-08:00

MORE NUTS THAN CAN BE CRACKED

We buy more drink than can be drunk
We buy more food than can be eaten
We give more gifts than can be appreciated
But for fun Christmas can’t be beaten

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES’S

It can only be Christmas
When the sane start acting funny
Going nuts for Christmas’s sake
And spending too much money

Even the levelheaded slip
And fall at the Christmas season
Swept along with the throng
Losing all sense of reason

Why does it always happen?
Why does madness always descend?
It seems that the less people have
The more they want to spend

So desperate not to miss out
And to have their share of festive cheer
They have a very happy Christmas
And pay the price all the coming year

THE GIFT OF GIVING

Gift giving
Is in itself a gift
Get it right
And watch spirits lift
Get it wrong
And they’ll be miffed
And undoubtedly
You’ll get short shrift
It isn’t in every one
Not everyone is able
So be warned
As you wrap and label
That a turkey
May not be confined to the table

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Christmas spirit,
No matter what you might think
Doesn’t come in a bottle
It isn’t a drink
It cannot be supped
But can be consumed
But its presence
Cannot be presumed
It must be cherished
Where it is found
Respectfully nurtured
And then spread around

ANOTHER OLD FOLKS CHRISTMAS PARTY

Another old folks Christmas party
Old friends well met, hail and hearty
Thoughts of the past would produce a tear
But a shared memory brought some cheer
And while remembering the good old days
A glass they would all gladly raise

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOODWILL TO ALL MEN

“Merry Christmas
And goodwill to all men”
Does that irritate you?
I’m not alone then
The men have done nothing,
Remember
Since the final BBQ
Back in September
It’s the mums
Who spend the whole of December
With everything to do
And everything to remember
While they sit
TV remote in hand drinking beer
Where is the mums well deserved
Christmas cheer
Why can’t we sit down?
On our overworked bums
“Merry Christmas
And goodwill to all mums”

THE TREE OF EVERGREEN

A top the tree of evergreen
See the star of Christmas sit
While scattered on its boughs
The coloured lights are lit

On the branches baubles hang
Glorious globes of glass delight
Candy canes and little gifts
And silver tinsel twinkling bright

And below the tree of evergreen
Adorned in festive dress
Sits the pile of Christmas gifts
Awaited with eagerness

LISTEN ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

On Christmas morning
While tree tops still glisten
If you stop opening presents
And take a moment to listen

You will hear a sound
Unmistakable, clear and true
The sound of Love
Will be in the room with you

WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings
Of Orient are
- not part of a meritocracy

MARY CHRISTMAS

Before Mary Christmas
Married Santa Claus
She had some concerns
And decided to take pause
To discuss a pre-nup
Within the current laws
She was not concerned
With any character flaws
She just wanted the security
Of a get out Claus

A Christmas Selection Box # 7

2011-12-01T06:06:00.001-08:00

THE GLAD THE MAD AND THE BAD

Well it’s that time of year again
The time when we feign gladness
When we all get caught up
In the annual collective madness
The time of year when we pretend
The world is not full of badness

STALKS AND STEMS

On a bed of haulm
In a stable bare
The son off God
Is laying there

BOXING DAY MORNING

If you wake up and feel like hell,
And if you really feel quite unwell
Then that is the best way for you to tell
That you really did Christmas well

CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY

Well I think it has happened
It is my darkest fear
Christmas is getting earlier
Each and every year

When I was at the mall today
I heard Bing Crosby croon
“White Christmas”
And it’s still only June

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS

This is the happy season
Of peace and goodwill
And joy to the world
Let good rule over ill
Merry Christmas world
From here to Brazil
Joy to the entire world
For peace is Gods will

CHRISTMAS OVER INDULGENCE

There isn’t any doubt or question
What caused this awful indigestion
It wasn’t the five course lunch
Or all the sweets we had to munch
It wasn’t the Lager the Stout or the Shandy
It wasn’t the Wine the Scotch or the Brandy
No the culprit with out any doubts
Was the obligatory spoonful of sprouts

BY CAR, BY PLANE, BY TRAIN

They make the journey each year
By car, by plane, by train,
Travelling across the miles
To spend Christmas at home again

I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS

I can’t wait until Christmas
I just want to let you know
You have all my love
This Christmas tied up with a bow

BLESSED IS THE HOLY SEASON

Blessed is the holy season
Jesus Christ is the reason
Let the garlands be unfurled
For a gift of love unto the world

WHEN THE GIFTS HAVE ALL BEEN OPENED

When the gifts have all been opened
And the season starts to wane
When December days have passed by
And a New Year starts again
Let’s pack away the decorations
But let the love and peace remain

THE CROWDS ARE BUSTLING

The crowds are bustling
On the busy Christmas streets
The throng is blustering
In search of Christmas treats
Tills are ringing out their Christmas song
In the markets and the shopping mall
Everyone gets a piece of the action
Street traders, vendors, buskers and all

MARIE CHRISTMAS

Marie Christmas
Loved the season
And she loved it
For a special reason

For it was the time
She would see her beau
As he flew his sleigh
Going ho ho ho

A Christmas Selection Box # 6

2011-12-01T06:05:00.001-08:00

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS # 2

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know
But to be honest I drink so much
I won’t even notice if it snows

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE ONE I LOVE # 2

Though my love for Christ is boundless
On Christmas day I cannot be untrue
For my love for you is over flowing
And he must share my heart with you

ON THE EVE OF THE SPECIAL DAY # 2

On the eve of the special day
As the fire burns in the grate
I long for eternal goodwill
And an end to eternal hate

LITTLE CHILD, LONELY CHILD

Little child,
Lonely child,
Face pressed
Against the glass
Breath blooming,
On the window pain
What do you seek?
Outside in the cold
In that bleak winter scene
Do you listen for sleigh bells?
Out in the snow
Is it the man in red?
You wait alone for
Why do you listen?
So intently at the silence
What was that sound?
Out in the cold
Not sleigh bells
No a car door
Now a figure appears
Who is it?
Not the man in red
Little child,
Lonely child,
Is excited now,
Rushes to the door
Its daddy, its daddy
Home at last

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED - SAFELY

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
An inspector from the HSE came down
And he quickly wore a frown

BLESSED DAY

It was the day when Jesus Christ was born
That long, long ago first Christmas Morn,
The child whose coming had been foretold
A child more precious than diamonds or gold
God’s great gift to us on that blessed day
That most glorious first Christmas day

THINKING ABOUT CHRISTMAS

I’m sitting here in dread
Memories of you filling my head
Sitting here so totally alone
Afraid of Christmas on my own
It was always you and me
Doing Christmas so merrily
Then you had to go and die
Leaving me with no goodbye
Losing you was such a blow
I know you didn’t choose to go
But I’m the one that’s left
I’m the one lonely and bereft
And for that simple reason
I close the curtains on the season
I will make my Christmas solitary
And not have to try to be merry
And I will avoid the usual jollity
All our friends and their frivolity

CHRISTMAS CANDLES
(Sung to the tune of Sixteen Candles)

Christmas Candles, make a lovely light
But not as bright as the light of Christ
(as the light of Christ) (Oh)
Light up the candles, for all the world to view
For every candle says, Happy Christmas to you
(Happy Christmas to you)

CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

She likes surprises
And at Christmas even more
So I do what I can
To give her surprises galore

Each year it gets harder
But I do what I can
This year I will tell her
I haven’t always been a man

THE SALVATION ARMY BELLS

The sound of Christmas really tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army bells
Calling out into the dark
Calling out to the heart
Ringing out in the throng
Singing out a heralding song
Give a little, not a lot
Give a little for their lot
They have little, but are not less
Give your coins and let them bless
A tale of generosity tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army’s bells

CHRISTMAS ARRIVAL

So what should we name you?
On such an auspicious day
It must be a fitting name
And chosen in a respectful way

We couldn’t name you Jesus
That just wouldn’t fit
You couldn’t go thru life
Named Jesus Schmitt
And anyway you’re a girl
So we named you Kit

CHRISTMAS CARD SELECTION

I bought a bumper selection
Of Christmas cards today
One hundred assorted cards
A real bargain I would say

But not a shepherd or angel
Nor a stable, a star or a king
Not a holy word of praise
No Jesus, no God not a thing

I told my wife of my disgust
She said not to make a fuss
But they had managed to take
Christ out of Christmas

A Christmas Selection Box # 5

2011-12-01T06:04:00.001-08:00

ON THE EVE OF THE SPECIAL DAY # 1

On the eve of the special day
As I sit beside the fire
Peace upon the earth
Is my one abiding desire

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS # 1

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know”
But if I should run out of the white
I will gladly drink the red though

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE ONE I LOVE # 1

Merry Christmas sweetheart, the one I love,
On this day when love is keenest felt,
The day when closed minds are opened
And even the coldest hearts can melt

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings of Orient are,
Bearing gifts we traverse afar,
Beer and liqueur
CD and voucher
Following yonder star

DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW

Dashing through the snow
On a one horse open sleigh,
Over fields we go
Laughing all the way
Then the reins do snap,
We weren’t expecting that
Now we laugh no more
As we hit a tree so fat

Oh ambulance bells, ambulance bells
Sirens all the way
They dragged us from the wreck
Of a one horse open sleigh
Oh ambulance bells, ambulance bells
Sirens all the way
Oh, what fun it’s NOT to ride
In a one horse open sleigh

FORCED ENTRY

I came home today to a horrible sight
All the doors and windows were smashed in
And inside, everything was gone
They had taken absolutely everything
I felt so violated so degraded
How could something like this occur?
What sort of sick person does that?
To someone's Advent calendar

ALPHABET OF CHRISTMAS

A is for
Advent, the count down to Christmas
B is for the
Bells that ring out in celebration
C is for the
Candle that spreads his light
D is for the
Decorations that dress our homes
E is for the
Extra spring in our collective step
F is for
Felicitations and festivities
G is for the
Gift that God gave too us
H is for the
Happiness of the Christmas season
I is for the
Illumination of the world
J is for
Jesus born into that world
K is for the
King, humbly born in a stable
L is for the
Love of Jesus Christ
M is for the
Magi who followed the star
N is for the
Nativity in Bethlehem
O is for
Old acquaintances re-met
P is for the
Presents beneath the tree
Q is for
Quintessence of the Christmas spirit
R is for the
Rejoicing in Christ’s name
S is for the
Star that adorned the Christmas sky
T is for the
Tinsel that adorns the trees
U is for the
Universal love of Christ
V is for the
Victorious celebration of his birth
W is for the
Wise men from the east
X is for
Xmas, the best time of the year
Y is for the
Yuletide season and its joys
Z is for the
Zest of enthusiastic enjoyment

CHRISTMAS GOOD WILL

I look from my window
Upon a street of cheer
And as I look upon the scene
As Christmas day draws near
I pray that this good will
Could last throughout the year

CHRISTMAS SUPERSTITION

Is Christmas day on Friday this year?
I think that it is, that’s what I hear
I’m one of those superstitious men
So let's hope it's not the 13th then

SNOW BLIND

Since the snow began to fall
My wife has done nothing at all
But stare blankly through the window
As the snow lays snow on snow
If it continues in this way
We shall have a white Christmas day
But my wife stares through the glass
As the snow falls thick and fast
Sadly if it gets any worse out side
I'll have to let her come inside

NEW BABY AT CHRISTMAS

Oh how our hearts melted
When you were born
A gift to us from God
Given on Christmas morn

CHRISTMAS INDULGENCE

We spend the day
Eating more than we should
Turkey and trimmings
And rich Christmas pud
Mince pies and cream
Great petite fours
Pretzels and nuts
Wines and liqueurs
Cookies and marzipan
Chocolate Yule log
Rich Christmas cake
And creamy eggnog
Chocolate Orange
Chocolate Brazils
Hot Bombay mix
Twiglets and Pringles
Sweet candied fruits
Sugar coated almonds
Cold turkey sandwich,
Till I’m suitably rotund

A Christmas Selection Box # 4

2011-12-01T06:03:00.001-08:00

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 4

The reindeer that fly like the birds on the wing
Santa Claus commanding with his gifts to bring
Joy bringing Carollers with songs to sing
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 191

Christmas is coming,
The stores are getting fat
But no one has put a penny
In this old mans hat;
There’s not a single penny,
Or a ha'penny to be seen,
I hate Christmas shoppers
They’re so bloody mean

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 4

I dream of Christmas
Warming us from winters chill
When hearts are overflowing
With seasonal good will

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.
(Now I don’t want you to think it was because he was a freak
The simple truth is Rudolph was a really anti social little bastard)

IF DECEMBER ICE

If December ice will bear a duck
Thereafter will be slush and muck
But grab the duck off the ice
And Christmas lunch be very nice

CANDLELIGHT

Across the distant lonely miles
There stands my love
With comrades brave
Who stands beneath a Christmas sky
Singing carols just as I
Familiar carols
And sentiments we share.
Of course it’s Christmas,
That makes me wish you near
And makes me wipe away a tear
I pray to God to keep you safe
To wrap you in his loving light
Now the bells of Christmas fill the air
And I think of my love standing there
Underneath the Christmas sky.
In the church I keep a candle lit
That will burn while we’re apart
And my undying love for him
Will keep burning in my heart

GIRL POWER

All of the reindeer
Pulling Santa’s sleigh
Are adorned with antlers
As they make their way

Well, only female reindeer
On the Christmas flight
Still retain their antlers
By Christmas night

So the whole team are girls
Is that really shocking?
An all female team?
Carrying gifts for every stocking

Who else could be trusted?
To circumnavigate the globe
In only one night
Not the guy in the red robe

But the overweight old man
With no dress sense
Who is too lazy to shave
Gets thanked for the presents

And do we get any recognition
For delivering the toys
No we don’t get a mention
And everyone thinks that we are boys

CHRISTMAS RECIPE

Why can we not bottle its essence?
The Christmas recipe,
That heady concoction
That special combination
Light of heart,
Quick of step
A song on the lips
A symphony in the heart
Externally warmed by the fireside
Internally warmed by mulled wine
Generosity of spirit
Jollity and laughter
Its crisp cold winter days
And frosty starry nights
Evergreens and mistletoe
The smells of a Christmas kitchen
Infused with cinnamon and ginger
It’s over indulgence
It’s thinking of others
Absent friends
Far away loved ones
It’s sharing and caring
It’s loving thy neighbour
Its compassion
Its children laughing
Its mothers sighing
It’s the Christmas recipe
Why can we not bottle its essence
So that at times when are souls are troubled
Or our hearts are heavy
At moments when the darkness has descended
We could unscrew the cap
And breathe deeply of its heady brew
And be once more refreshed

CHRISTMAS GIFTS – HIS AND HERS

I got a book for Christmas
“101 sexual positions”
I got it from my brother
My wife also received a book
“102 handy excuses”
A present from her mother

CHRISTMAS ESSENCE

You are my Christmas essence
My yuletide effervescence
You breathe life into me
Oh how you appeal to me
Dressed in your Christmas tights
And the Santa sweater that fits just right
Oh you naughty little Christmas flirt
Wearing your short red Christmas skirt
You are the spirit of my season
You are the rhyme and the reason
But as you spread your Christmas joy
Pleasing every girl and boy
There is something you don’t know
I feel stirrings down below
Because when your sleigh bells jingle
It makes all my senses tingle
Because you so excite me
How I want you to delight me
You are my Christmas dish
You are my every Christmas wish
Every year I make this plea
To let me unwrap you beneath the tree
But again you are not among my presents
But you will remain my Christmas essence

CHRISTMAS WISHES JUST FOR YOU

Christmas wishes just for you
Sent with love, tried and true
I send you love, I send you cheer,
I just wish we weren’t apart this year
COLD CHRISTMAS

I can’t believe you did it
How typically bold
Dumping me at Christmas
How awfully cold

Still on the bright side
I won’t have to strain and heave
Rushing to find a gift
For you on Christmas Eve

I won’t spend the season
Living like a monk
I’ll be very merry
If not drunk as a skunk

But I can’t believe you did it
It’s a really shitty thing to do
Dumping me at Christmas
How typical of you

It’s probably for the best
So I won’t shed a tear
Have a merry Christmas
And a really shit New Year

A Christmas Selection Box # 3

2011-12-01T06:02:00.001-08:00

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 3

Hearing the Church bells and sleigh bells ringing
Midnight mass worship with Carol singing
Singing in praise of the King of Kings
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 182

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,
Got an itch, Got an itch;
Coming down the chimney,
Coming down the chimney;
On his snitch, On his snitch.

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 3

I dream of Christmas
And Santa's loaded sleigh
I dream about the reindeer
Bringing Santa Claus my way

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – THE ROCKING CAROL

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, just you stick,
We will lend you man made fabric,
We wont rock you, rock you, rock you,
We wont rock you, as were not qualified

EVERYONE ATTENDED

Everyone attended
No one was excused
Christmas morning mass
Was one of those to-do’s
And even the church mice
Sat smartly in their pews

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

The presents look wonderful
Beneath the Christmas tree
The holly and the mistletoe
Are arranged delightfully

The gingerbread men are ready
Cinnamon cookies are fresh baked
The Yule log is ready for cutting
And so is the Christmas cake

Festive cocktails have been mixed
The eggnog will taste sublime
There are traditional winter ales
Or there is always the mulled wine

Then the bells of Christmas ring,
Well the doorbell is ringing
Is that the guest’s arriving?
Or the carollers come singing

Friends and family have arrived
Its time to meet and greet
They have travelled far and near
To see them is such a treat

The mantel dressed with greens
The scent of Christmas fills the air
And all the children rush to see
The stockings hanging there

I love these get-togethers
And when all is said and done
We’re making Christmas memories
So Merry Christmas everyone

WHO ATE AL THE PIES?

The old fat fella
In the big red suit
Of delivering gifts
In his festive pursuit

Wide black belt
And big black boot
The jolly fat bloke
Ruddy and hirsute

He does great good
That’s not in dispute
But he eats too much
So he’s a chubby brute

So when he visits
On his Christmas commute
Don’t leave him a pie
Leave him some fruit

IN THE BLEAK MID WINTER

I’m not looking for a white Christmas
For my life is already a cold place
Bleak and forbidding
So I have no need of snow
Carpets of white everywhere
Winter fills my every day
My life is perpetual winter
Because you have taken my warmth
You were the heart of me
You sent the blood coursing through me
You were the sun in my sky
Now my life is tundra
And I am just a frozen husk
To numb to exist

ESSENTIAL INGREDIENT

I have no need of Christmas
I have no need of memories
I have no desire to make plans
To join in with the festivities

Don’t wish me merry Christmas
I have no need of Christmas cheer
For me it won’t be Christmas
Until my darling wife is here

So save your merry Christmas
Don’t send your jollity my way
Keep the Christmas fizz on ice
Until she’s home on Christmas day

This is for all those whose loved ones have to work on Christmas day.

CHRISTMAS TREE

My brother has a Christmas tree
My sister has one too
My parents have a Christmas tree
That is beautiful to view

The town square has a Christmas tree
The school has one too
Trafalgar square has a Christmas tree
That is beautiful to view

And the thing they have in common
Is that they are CHRISTMAS trees
Decorated and trimmed
To be quite beautiful you see

They are not part of a general holiday
Nor are they akin to Hanukkah
They are not part of a Winter Festival
CHRISTMAS Trees is what they are

And around our Christmas tree
We celebrate the blessed day
And all say Happy Christmas
But never happy holiday

KEEP THE SPIRIT

Try to keep the spirit
Of Christmas true in your heart
Every day of the year

TOO MERRY CHRISTMAS

I made too merry yesterday
I had a splendid day
In Christmas celebration
I indulged in every way
But now my head is splitting
The morning after the play
So I will nurse my head
For all of Boxing Day

A Christmas Selection Box # 2

2011-12-01T06:01:00.001-08:00

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 2

Mulled wine and eggnog, a schooner of sherry
Baileys and Babycham to keep the girls merry
Singing along as Bing Crosby sings
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 178

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,
Left his bag, Left his bag;
Up beside the chimney,
Up beside the chimney;
What a drag, what a drag.

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 2

I dream of Christmas
Laying in my cozy room
Dreaming of the carol singers
Singing their Christmas tunes

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY - AWAY IN A MANGER

Away in a manger
No crib for a bed …
The little Lord Jesus
Lay down his sweet head
I don’t think it matters
How gently you sing
Social services don’t care
For this kind of thing

CHRISTMAS IS THE PERFECT TIME

Christmas is the perfect time
For the perfect Christmas rhyme
So when the bells of Christmas chime
Have the happiest Christmas time

THE GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS PAST

On the north winds they come
Blown in on Decembers icy blast
Unwelcome visitors come calling
The ghosts of Christmas past

Creeping in with happier memories
Standing out in stark contrast
Sad memories best forgotten
The ghosts of Christmas past

ALL ACROSS THE GLOBE

All across the globe
They are seen together
On every continent
And in every weather
The Christian cross
And the pagan tree
To celebrate the birth
Of Christianity

THE CHURCH IS FULL

The church is full
On Christmas day
From miles around
They came to praise
And share in the joy
Of the blessed gift
Given to the world
To heal the rift

CHRISTMAS FOLLY REVISITED

I have no need of jollity
Or happy yuletide fare
I have no Christmas gift to wrap
There’s no one here to share

I have no time for Christmas
Just the time to reminisce
I have no need of mistletoe
Because she’s not here to kiss

So I will spend the time alone
On a lonely Christmas day
But I have no need of sympathy
Because I let her slip away

CHRISTMAS DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE

There will be no wreath on the door
Not a single decoration will be seen
Cards will be recycled unopened
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

There will be no gifts beneath the tree
There will be no turkey with all the trimmings
There will be no festive merriment
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

There will be no season’s greetings
There will be no Christmas joy
There will be no festive spirit
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

This Christmas day will be like any other day
A day full of abject loneliness
For since my darling joined the angels
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

REMEMBRANCE SHINES

Remembrance shines most
Bright, like the Christmas candle light,
During the Christmas rite

CHRISTMAS FELICITATIONS

Merry Christmas,
Good will to all men,
The festive season
Is with us once again,

The special holy day
Is growing very near
So Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year

A Christmas Selection Box # 1

2011-12-01T05:57:00.001-08:00

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 1

Baubles and bells and candle light glows
Bright coloured parcels tied up with bows
Candy and spices and popcorn on strings
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 173

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,
He got stuck, he got stuck;
Coming down the chimney,
Coming down the chimney;
Too much tuck, Too much tuck.

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 1

I dream of Christmas
And hope the snow will fall
I dream of a snowy scene
When Santa comes to call

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – LITTLE DONKEY

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.
- Stuff that cant we get the bus?

SAD CHRISTMAS

There is a pain in my chest
Where my heart used to be
There are tears in my eyes
That are blinding me
Let the season pass
Without my participation
Christmas won't be merry
Is my sad anticipation

CHRISTMAS GATEAU

It is time for me to make
My most special Christmas cake
The only thing you need to start
Is the most joyous open heart
Then add by the pound
All the love that can be found
Delightful festive merriments
And simple humble ingredients
Thankfulness and Gratitude
Lashings of positive attitude
Laced with Christmas cheer
And a cup of Christmas beer
An abundance of good wishes
With lots of hugs and kisses
Not forgetting laughter and fun
Enough to serve everyone
And to complete my Gateau
I garnish with sprigs of mistletoe

MISSING EVERYONE

I miss everyone so much, that I fear
I’ll dampen everyone’s Christmas cheer
Then your emailed movie clip appears
And when I’ve wiped away my misty tears
The long miles seem to disappear
And feel more like you are all near
So I put away my lonely fears
Have another glass that cheers
And I’ll see you all on New Years

I JUST OPENED MY PRESENT

My old aunt just popped round
With a Christmas gift for me
It wasn’t what I was expecting
It was a tweedy dye Mankini

“I hope it’s the one you wanted”
I didn’t know what to say really
I couldn’t understand it
I asked for a CD by Mancini

CHRISTMAS COMPLIMENT

As I was basting the bird
A thought, to me occurred
It was only at this time of peace
That Turkey and Greece,
As with hot fat you smother,
Compliment each other

THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS

Last year at the Christmas fair
I reached for my wallet and it wasn’t there
I was going to report my cards stolen
But I didn’t bother I must declare
As the thieves spent considerably less
Than my extravagant wife Claire
YOU’RE MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL

You’re my Christmas angel
You’re my very own Christmas delight.
Please stay with me tonight

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 6

2011-11-19T11:53:00.001-08:00

RAVEN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the raven headed maiden fair
The girl with the flowing black hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of flowing black hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

I HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU

I have a picture of you,
In my wallet,
It’s a little the worse for wear
But I treasure it
I’m sure you’ll remember it
It was on the sea front
That last day I spent with you
I thought it was a happy day
You seemed happy too
I often study that little snap
Looking for any tell tale signs
But if they exist, they evade me
It doesn’t show in your eyes
There’s no hint in your smile
But still you left me

THE FIRST REAL KISS

She leaned her face towards me
Slowly, yet purposefully
And touched my lips gently with hers
For just the merest moment
A single spinetingling moment
Then she stopped
And pulled her head away
Looking deep into my eyes
With a commanding gaze
Which demanded loudly
That I should reciprocate
I wrapped my arms around her waist
Pulling her close to me.
When our lips met this time
They parted on contact
And our tongues flicked
Vigourously exploring each others mouths
It was my first real kiss
And what a kiss it was
A toe curling
Nerve tingling
Sweet moment of bliss

WHITE AS LILY

Full moon, white as Lily
how you do pluck at the strings
of young lovers hearts

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 5

2011-11-19T11:51:00.001-08:00

GOLDEN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the golden headed maiden fair
The girl with the dazzling yellow hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of dazzling yellow hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

OUR LOVE IS OLD

Our love is old,
Our love is true,
When we’re apart
Our hearts are blue
I love you madly
And you love me too

YOUR TENDER TOUCH

Your tender touch
Meant so much
I miss your touch
A touch too much
Your tender touch
That was nonesuch

I STOP, I REMINISCE

I stop, I reminisce
That perfect time I miss
A smile, a look, a kiss
A moment of bliss
Sweet reminisce

PARAMOUR IN THE WINGS

Paramour in the wings
Mistress in waiting
The smitten kitten
With the concubine heart

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 4

2011-11-19T11:49:00.001-08:00

CHESTNUT HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the chestnut headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning brown hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of shinning brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM

How eagerly I await the night
When I can drift through
The curtain of sleep,
Into the dreamlands
Where sweet maidens await
With smiles of seduction,
Sweet tender caresses
And whispered words of love
Until I am torn away
Into the waking hour

THE LIGHT OF LOVE

I want to stir the slumber
Of your lonesome heart
And shine a loving light
Into the corners of the dark

THE DAWN OF DREAMS

Heralding the dawn,
The first fingers of light
Steal in through the glass
Penetrating the gloom
Waking me from my slumber
And stirring me from my dreams
Which but a moment ago
Were vividly real and tangible
Yet now are only half remembered things
Drifting away like mist on the breeze

BENIGN SPIRIT

Let me surround you
Like a benign spirit
Comforting and protecting
Let me envelope you like a cloak of love
Wrapping you in a goose down quilt
To warm your soul from winters grip
Let me nourish and nurture
And blow gently on the embers of love
In your sad and lonely heart

HUMEROUS POEMS # 3

2011-11-19T11:46:00.001-08:00

IT’S A BLESSED MIRACLE

It’s a blessed miracle
I've been in love with the same woman
For more than fifty years!
It’s a greater miracle
That my wife has never found out,
If she did it would end in tears

RUDELY AWAKENED

I leapt up out of bed,
And I opened the door
In my pyjamas,
Wow I’d not noticed it before
What a very odd place
For there to be a door

A REAL HUMDINGER

A man made a boast
It was a real humdinger
“I can turn this duck
Into a soul singer”

He repeated his boast
Despite being mocked
And made a wager
That left them shocked

They took the bet
That was a real humdinger
To see him turn a duck
Into a soul singer

He said as he took the duck
That he called Mr Smithers
“Now I’ll put it in the microwave
Until its bill withers”

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 3

Mono browed women with un-waxed moustaches
Wearing tight leggings too small for their asses
Fat sausage fingers and huge bingo wings
These are a few of my least favourite things

THREE LITTLE FISHES

Three fish in a tank,
One says to the other ones
I'll drive the thing
If you two man the guns

A WEASEL AND A STOAT?

What's the difference between
A weasel and a stoat?
They can both be used
To make a fine coat
So that’s not the answer
Well no need to lament
One's weasily recognized
The other stoatly different.

EIN GANG

Just a little heads up
When everything's coming your way,
Don’t get too cocky
You’re just in the wrong lane. Ok?

FURRY, FURRY DICE

Furry, furry dice
Nodding dogs that nod all day
Look out on the motorway
With eyes that know the despair in my soul.
Hold-ups on the hills,
Stretched for miles like bitter pills
Take a break because tiredness kills
The signs say all across this land

To the tune of Vincent by Don McClean

PUT DOWN # 47

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Wow that dress looks good on you
But it would look even better on my bedroom floor”
Just thank him and say “No problem,
I’ll send it to you when I don’t wear it anymore”

I LOST MY JOB TODAY

I lost my job today, I was sacked
My boss finally drove me to the brink
So I said “Shhh, just listen to the sound
Of nobody caring what you think”

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 3

2011-11-19T11:44:00.001-08:00

MOUSY HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the mousy headed maiden fair
The girl with the dirty-blonde hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of dirty-blonde hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

NOT VIRGINIA PLAIN

Her hair was red
Of russet tones
Like autumn leaves
Its cascading flow
Framed her face
And beauty shone forth
Its skins purity,
Rich as parchment,
Soft as silk,
Radiated her beauty
Her hypnotic eyes
Were startlingly blue,
With gem stone clarity
And held laughter in them
Her nose was small, delicate
Her lips were thin
But a smile of sweet remembrance
Constantly played about them

A COPPER CASCADE

Her crowning glory
Of cascading copper
Pours like molten rust
Onto the pure and unblemished
Milk white skin
Of her neck and shoulders
How I envy each burnished strand
Spilling onto her alabaster skin
Touching where my lips may not

WHAT RICH TAPESTRY

What rich tapestry
Has nature weaved,
This thing of beauty
Crafted by artisan hand
Each stitch and thread,
Singularly ambiguous,
Contributes to the whole
And into this creation
Life was breathed
And light was shone
And there you stand

A ROSE

I thought you pretty as a Rose
A sweet scented beauty
So I gave to you my heart
But you left it broken
And it now lies dying
On a Rose’s bloodied thorns

ARE YOU WEARING?

2011-11-17T06:30:00.001-08:00

ARE YOU WEARING A CORSET?

Are you wearing a corset?
All whalebone and string
A beautiful thing to behold
A lustfully sexy thing
Pulling you in at the waist
And redistributing everything
A little discomfort for you
In the whalebone and string
But it’s a small price to pay
For the joy it will bring

ARE YOU WEARING A GIRDLE?

Are you wearing a girdle?
That’s a problem Mrs Spurdle,
Not an insurmountable hurdle
But due to the snugness of the fit
Prising all of you, out of, all of it
Might slow me down a bit

ARE YOU WEARING A WONDER BRA?

Are you wearing a wonder bra?
I think you almost certainly are
If you’re not I’ll eat my cigar
Because nature isn’t that bizarre
And doesn’t push them up that far

ARE YOU WEARING A BRASSIERE?

Are you wearing a brassiere?
You seem to have a pretty pair
Though I don’t think you’re being fair
Because I know you don’t I Clair
And I must honestly declare
To have spent some time up there
And if it’s not a padded brassier
You’ve got a pair of socks up there

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

2011-11-17T06:29:00.001-08:00

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 227

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pot in the middle of the night
Because he needed to take a pee

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 228

Pease pudding hot,
Pease pudding cold,
Pease pudding in the pot
Nine days old.
“That’s got to be past its sell by date”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 229

Lucy Locket lost her pocket,
Kitty Fisher found it;
Not a penny was there in it,
“That Kitty Fisher is a thieving little cow”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 230

Daffy-down-Dilly
Has come to town
With a yellow petticoat
And a pretty green gown
“Quick phone the fashion police”

UNCATEGORIZED POEMS # 2

2011-11-17T06:27:00.001-08:00

HOPE SITS

Hope sits
Upon its primordial throne
A constant, in a sea of change
An unquenchable thirst
An unsatisfied yearning
An unscratchable itch
When all else fails
Hope waits for us all
Since time immemorial
Till the end of time

LIFE INSURANCE

Life should be rewarding
Though not monetarily
Riches nonetheless
For premiums take many forms
But you can’t take out
What you don’t put in
So just invest yourself
And reap the dividends

ANGEL IN THE CROWN

Angel in the crown
of heavens splendours shown
winged beauty flown

THIS OLD HOUSE

This old house
With faded papered walls
And paint flaked and chipped
Rooms full of drafts
And murky shadowed light
Smelling of decay and neglect
And life long absence
The house needed something
No the house wanted something
Amidst the cobwebs of yesterday
And the promise of tomorrow
The house wanted to be a home

MY HEART CARRIES TOO MANY SORROWS

My heart carries too many sorrows
Now my yesterdays out weigh my tomorrows
My spirits sit low in the grey December light
My bones grow weary in the night
I long for the spring sun upon my face
Yet I know that can never again be the case
I wait now in the quiet of another night
In hopeful expectation of the benevolent light

TIME THE FICKLE FRIEND

Time the fickle friend,
though you never wind the spring
the celestial clock ticks on

ARTISTIC PRACTICE

The potter breathing life
Into cold dead clay
An artist and his canvas
Killing the white
The sculptor seeing visions
In the lifeless stone
Wordsmiths weaving
Elaborate fabric with their words
Wood carvers releasing
The image hid within the wood
The unity between hand and mind
Artists and artisans all

BE ENGLISH

Celebrate the victory
With your piers
Drown the woes of foes
In English beer
Sing loud the songs of triumph
Whisper low of near disasters
Be magnanimous in victory
Be humble in defeat
Be proud, be loud
Be English

HUMEROUS POEMS # 2

2011-11-17T06:26:00.001-08:00

THERE ARE THREE WORDS

There are three words
No one ever wants to hear
When they are making love
They are “I’m home dear!"

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 2

Rotund young women as round as they’re tall
Frumpy old maids with no dress sense at all
Middle aged women who think its still spring
These are a few of my least favourite things

THE CRUEL FACTS OF LIFE

I asked my thirteen year old
If he understood the facts of life
But his complete over reaction
Shocked me and my wife

The boy burst into tears and yelled
“Don’t tell me I don’t want to know”
He put his hands over his ears
Saying “I’m not listening no, no, no”

When my son had calmed down
I asked him what was so scary
He said “when I was seven, you said
That there was no Tooth fairy”

“Then when I was nine, you said
That there was no Easter bunny”
Last year you said that Santa Claus
Was really you and mummy

Now on the eve of my manhood
If you’re going to tell me
That adults don’t have sex
You may just as well shoot me

THE MERITS OF FERRETS

The merits of ferrets
Are the traits he inherits
For hunting the rabbit
In the place they inhabit

THE QUIZZICAL SON

A young boy comes home from school
And addresses his father quizzically
"Dad, what's the difference between
Theoretically and realistically?"

His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "this calls for a demonstration,
Go and ask Mum if she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"

The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad she said she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"

His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "Ok another demonstration,
Go and ask your Sister if she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"

The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad she said she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"

His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "Ok one final demonstration,
Go and ask your Brother if he would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"

The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad he said he would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"

"Well there’s your answer, we could
Have three million pounds, theoretically.
But as it turns out what we have is
Two slappers and a homosexual, realistically."

THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 2

If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Pole dancers
From Poland?

I LOVE YOU DARLING WARTS AND ALL

I love you Darling warts and all
Though I can’t seem to recall
When we first met at the mall
And we chatted in the food hall
You ever mentioning warts at all

PUT DOWN # 48

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him, only reply if he persists
“Maybe you'd be less boring if I got to know you,
But I am not willing to take that risk”

EVERYONE NEEDS A HOBBY

Everyone needs a hobby
And my dad is no exception
He has built up a rather large
Empty bottle collection

There is a name for it
It’ll come to me in a tick
It’s on the tip of my tongue
Oh yes he’s an alcoholic

RIBALD # 2

2011-11-17T06:24:00.001-08:00

BRITISH MANHOOD

British manhood
Out on the Razz
Have no conscience
Or boundaries
When endowed
With the beer goggles
They have no preferences
If you shaved a pig
And put it in a dress
With white stilettos
Someone would take it home
Given a late enough hour
And sufficient beer
The necessity to shave the pig
Would be redundant

I LOVE POOH BEAR

I love Pooh bear
And Paddington bear
I love my panda bear
And my teddy Bear
But most of all I must declare
I love my honey bare

THE TRUTH BEHIND THE ACTION

A love pat on the behind my dear
A subtle spank on my dearest’s rear
An action speaking loud and clear
Placed on the buttock soft and plump
A subtle spank on tender rump
The preamble to some rumpy pump

FLASH GAME

A flasher stepped out from the shadows
In front of an unsuspecting old lady
Who just looked pityingly at him and his offering
For no more than a minute or two maybe

She mentally took in his description
200 lbs and about 6ft but no taller
Then he said: "You know what this is don't you?"
She replied "it looks like a penis, only smaller!"

PEAFOWL

Two peahens watched
As the peacock danced
The courtship display
He proudly pranced

One hen said to the other
“All this is getting on my wick”
Then shouted “stop showing off
And show us your dick”

MY FAVOURITE THINGS # 2

Girls in short dresses with black satin panties
G-strings and thongs and exotic scanties
Innocent lookers who do naughty things
These are a few of my favourite things

Firm rounded buttocks and waists that are tiny
A look in the eye that says “I’m Mandy try me”
A flirt in a skirt who looks like she sins
These are a few of my favourite things

When the lust strikes
When the urge stings
When I'm feeling taught
I simply remember my favourite things
And then find an easy sort

STEAMER

Steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer
Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no
I said steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer
Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no
I said “my God, what a size, a girth, a length it is
You know – well you know you left it hummin in view
Now there's not a lot I can do

Sung to the tune of Dreamer by Supertramp

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 2

2011-11-17T06:20:00.001-08:00

SILVER HEADED LADY FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the silver headed lady fair
The woman with the silvery hair
Oh beautiful lady standing there
With the waves of silvery hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

HOW FAIR BE YOUR COUNTENANCE

How fair be your countenance
A beauty fairer than the Rose?
How fair be your fragrance
Is it as pleasing to the nose?
How do you compare to the flower
Perhaps this year you are equals
But with each year passing
You will not match its sequels

SUMMER GIRLS

Summer girls
Glistening with suntan oils
Clad in bikinis
On yellow sunlit soils
And how the suitor
Athletically toils
To catch their eye
And so take the spoils

ODE TO MY BEAU

You hold back the night
With your gallantry
You subdue my fears
With your chivalry
You hold me in the light
With your passion for me

WHAT MORE BEAUTY

What more beauty could there be
Than in a maiden lithe of limb
With perfect elegance and grace
And a figure both sleek and trim
Beheld in the vision of a man
Who thinks she only has eyes for him

NATURE POEMS

2011-11-11T05:51:00.001-08:00

BEAUTEOUS ROSE

Beauteous Rose in summer dress
In scented splendour
The courtly bees attends thee
Thy fragrant demeanour
In sunlit display
Leaves all nature in awe

THE NIGHT IS STILL

The night is still
And summer flowers sleep
To awake with dawn

A NEW DAY DAWNING

On the distant horizon
The embers of the dawn
Brightly glow
As God blows gentle breath
Upon the glowing coals
And lights up another day

WANE BITTER SEASON

Wane bitter season,
dare Snowdrops to appear, before
winters lingering bite

SPRING WAKES

Spring wakes from lazy
slumber, finding the Crocus heads
already on display

UNCATEGORIZED POEMS # 1

2011-11-11T05:50:00.001-08:00

RESPECT

I don’t compare myself to others
Of greater worth or merit
Or try to compete or out perform them
Simply, I am my own man,
And I am content to be so
I am happy to be transparent
So those around me can see what I am
And know the content of my heart
And because of my strong principles
I have self respect
And in return I ask only one thing
To be respected

NEVER OVER REACH

Never confuse, without exception
Excellence with perfection
Excellence you can strive for
Perfection is something more
As I heard Michael J Fox once express
Perfection is God’s business

AS JOYOUS AS A SONG

My love for you
Is as joyous as a song,
Sung in congregation
With the faithful throng

DRAWN LIKE A MOTH

I moved toward the light
Drawn like a moth to a flame
It was a benevolent light
Not dazzlingly bright
But soft and easy on the eye
And when the vista opened wide
It emerged into serenity
With sweet music everywhere
And love enveloped me
Like a soft blanket
In the place of perfect peace
I stepped among the angels
Where no shadows fall

THEY FOLLOW THEIR HEARTS

They follow their hearts
A congregation of one accord
Singing the heartfelt lyrics
To make sweet music to the lord

FILL MY CUP WITH CHEER

Fill my cup with cheer
Dear Lord
But let me be merry
And not drunk
Let me be a companion
And not a burden
Let me be happy
But not foolish
Let me know
When its time to go
And deliver me
Safely to my door

ON THAT AND THIS

Many hours spent
A whole lifetime lent
Time spent remiss
On that and this
Times sands run
And can’t be undone
Too late to wish
Now stood at the abyss
Time never fails
To balance the scales
Regrets too late
Surrender to fate
Time to repent
Your lifetime lent

HUMEROUS POEMS # 1

2011-11-11T05:47:00.001-08:00

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 1

Manicured whiskers and piercings thru noses
Tattoos on arses of butterflies and roses
Lisp making tongue studs and silly lip rings
These are a few of my least favourite things

PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Wow that dress looks good on you”
You can compliment her
“But laying on my bedroom floor
It would look even better”

CELTIC PRIDE

The Celts are a proud lot
As they’ll tell you like as not
But when the Romans came to stay
The Celts up and ran away
That is exactly what they did
They ran away and hid
And there they stayed on their own
Until the Romans left for home
Then came the Vikings and the Danes
So the Celts ran away again
This noble race mild and meek
Happily playing hide and seek
Well so much for Celtic pride
Nobly running away to hide
Now don’t climb on your high horse
I am a Celt myself of course
And those who run away today
Live to run away another day

A DRIVEN WOMAN

I just got back from the airport
It was a journey of some import
I had to drive the mum in law
Normally a rather onerous chore
But I volunteered this time
And no I had not lost my mind
She was going home hip hip
So it was more of a pleasure trip

HAND HOLDING

I always hold my wife’s hand when we’re out
People thinks it’s so romantic, but its not
I hold her hand all the time because I know
That if I let it go she’ll start to shop

PEARL ANNIVERSARY

After thirty years of marriage
To celebrate our anniversary
My wife and I
Went back once again
To our honeymoon hotel
And this time it was I
Who chose to sit alone
In the bathroom
And cry

MEDICAL MIRACLE

I’ve avoided most diseases
Nature has deployed
But I’m suffering the effects
Of a life well enjoyed
Now I keep twenty doctors
Gainfully employed

WE HAVE A WATER BED

We have a water bed at home
It was a birthday gift for me
I call it my seductive oasis
My wife calls it the Dead Sea

THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 1

If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Lap dancers
From Lapland?

RIBALD # 1

2011-11-11T05:46:00.001-08:00

MY FAVOURITE THINGS # 1

Black lacy stocking, suspenders or garters
Silk cami-knickers will do nicely for starters
Brassiered packages with straps like strings
These are a few of my favourite things

Petite little strumpets and long legged fillies
Brunettes and redheads stripped down to their frillies
Uniformed Nurses oh the pleasures they bring
These are a few of my favourite things

When the lust strikes
When the urge stings
When I'm feeling taught
I simply remember my favourite things
And then find an easy sort

IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR

My wife said she'd like to have sex
In the back seat of the car
I thought things are looking up
I like what I’m hearing so far
Then she said she'd like to have sex
In the back of someone else’s car
I thought things are looking up
I like what I’m hearing so far
Then she said she'd like to have sex
With the guy we just met in the bar

BLIND DATES

I love going on blind dates
They just thrill me to bits
They don’t suit everyone
But hey if the cap fits
I do lots of blind dates
As many as time permits
We meet in a quiet place
Where I sit and stare at their tits

DO YOU HAVE A BRAZILIAN?

Are you sporting a Brazilian?
I think you might be Gillian
I don’t think you have a silly’n
Not like your kid sister Lillian
Who leans towards a Chilean
Or your older sister Jillian
With her moustachioed Sicilian
No I think you my daring Gillian
Might well have a Brazilian
Which is probably a chilly’n

DIRTY-BLONDE HAIR

Oh pretty girl
With the dirty-blonde hair
You may be the answer
To a lonely mans prayer
I have been watching
You standing there
And I’d like to ask
A question if I dare
Are you as dirty
As your dirty-blonde hair

ASTRONOMICAL LOVE

From the moons of Jupiter
And the areolas peaks
Across the navel plains
To the crater of Uranus
And the mound of Venus

BRITISH GIRLS ABROAD

British girls abroad
Fake tanned
Everything on display
Easy virtue
Easy lay
Begging for it?
Gagging for it?
Looking for it?
Perhaps not
But they know the way

BRITISH LADS ABROAD

British lads abroad
On the pull
Like what they see
With undiscerning eye
Out to play
Looking for an easy lay
On another 18-30 holiday

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 1

2011-11-11T05:42:00.001-08:00

CRIMSON HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the crimson headed maiden fair
The girl with the flaming red hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of flaming red hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

HOLIDAY ROMANCE

You wanted love
Sweet thing
A holiday romance
Not a brief fling
You wanted love
Romance and kisses
Holding hands
And making wishes
You sought a lover
In a romantic way
You should have known
At the end of the day
He sought a “gagging for it”
Nice easy lay
That was his idea
Of a romantic holiday

PERFECT LOVE CAN BE ILLUSIVE

Perfect love can be illusive
For perfect love is unique
Perfect sex is not exclusive
For perfect sex is just technique

OPEN YOUR EYES ANGEL

Open your eyes Angel
Wipe away the sleep
Be very careful
Don’t sell yourself cheap
Watch out angel
Whatever you do
He’ll break your heart
And make you blue
He’ll get what he wants
Then he’ll wave goodbye
Leaving you sullied
Leaving you to cry
He will have a place to go
For his next bit of frilly lace
Another silly girl
Just as easy to disgrace
Another notch on the bedpost
Another easy conquest
Leaving you alone
Broken hearted and bereft

YOU SLIPPED THROUGH MY FINGERS

You slipped through my fingers
All those yesterdays ago,
How the regret still lingers
Of the way I let you go

WAR AND REMEMBRANCE

2011-11-11T03:44:00.001-08:00

IN THE GATHERING OF HOPEFUL HEARTS

In the gathering of hopeful hearts
The flame of peace does thrive
A flame whose embers glowed
When my granddad was still alive
The lads and pals in distant lands
To a man did purposely strive
They kept that tiny ember tended
To ensure that it would survive
And many a lad remained forever
To keep the flame of peace alive

ON REMEMBRANCE DAY

On Remembrance Day,
We honour the sacrificial dead
Those dedicated souls who.
Offered their lives in war
And were accepted
They were the loved ones,
Of their generation
They are the pride of ours

REMEMBER THEM WITH COMPASSION

Remember them with compassion
And not with jaundiced eye
Remember them with gratitude
For they went to war to die
Remember them with pride
Their honour we must not deny
Remember it’s because of them
We stand beneath a free blue sky

DAWN PATROL

You would find them
Up where the air was thin
And the cold burnt
The wood and canvas kites
Prowled the skies
Searching the clouds below
For the enemy silhouettes
And when sighted below
To attack from the sun
And deliver their chattering death

AUSCHWITZ

Auschwitz in essence
Was a processing plant
Or perhaps more accurately
A recycling plant,
Recycling an abundant commodity,
i.e. lower forms of life,
Into a revenue stream
By stripping the resaleable parts
Clothing, jewelry, hair, teeth
And burning what was left.
A cold and calculated business
Inhumanity on an industrial scale.
So the next time
You cast yesterdays must have device
Into your recyling bin
Just remember the Germans did that with people

MONUMENT

Each faceless name
In neat regimen
Of stone masons text
Is one of the fallen
Long forgotten names
Cut deep into the stone
Marking the sacrifice
Of battles Histories
The cold stone sentinel
A poignant reminder

CENOTAPH

Bow your undressed head
Before the cenotaph
A reverent monument
To warriors past
But not to glorify
There tragic loss
But to mark the moment
And count the cost

HALLOWEEN TALES

2011-10-28T04:40:00.000-07:00

THE OLD BLACK WITCH’S CAT # 1

The most comfortably fat
Old black witch’s cat
Is often known to take a nap
In her black pointed hat

AT THE WITCHING HOUR

At the Witching hour
The Zombies walk
The Banshees scream
And the Ravens squawk
The Witches’ fly
The familiar’s talk
The Vampires bite
And the Demons stalk

LITTLE MONSTERS

Little monsters in costumes
Looking for candy treats
Terrorizing the neighbours
All along the street

They prey on young or old
To satisfy their appetites
Treats are handed over
To creatures of the night

With their goody bags
Full of every candy treat
They can’t wait to get home
Before they start to eat

Then when the bags are empty
They realise their mistake
They’ve eaten so much candy
They’ve all got stomach ache

WITCHNAPPED

On her broomstick she swoops
And into her arms she scoops
A poor unsuspecting young man
Because as a witch she can
And carries him off through the night
Then uses him for her delight
In the light of the cauldrons fire
She indulges her every desire

THE LITTLE BEWITCHER

She is a little bewitcher
The little servant of Wicca
Who has ensnared my heart
Which I opposed from the start
I was happy being single
But she has made my senses tingle
And she used her Wiccan ways
Against all resistance raised
It is not some fanciful notion
To blame an exotic potion
Or the casting of a spell
To bewitch me quite so well
Now she bends me too her will
And gently holds me still
Then this little Wiccan miss
Captures my soul with her kiss

MY LITTLE WICKED WITCH AND I

My little wicked witch and I
Love to fly across the night sky
And travel to special places
Where no one knows our faces
Where door with bolt and lock
Ensures, Witch and Warlock
Can scratch their every itch
And a Warlock and a Witch
Can safely enjoy a little sin
Without familiars listening in

DREAM WITCH

There is a witch of whom I’m fond
Who could carry me off beyond
And we’d do magic with my wand

We would quaff her special brew
Fly on a broomstick made for two
And do things naughty witches do

But alas our special tandem flight
Full of wicked and delicious delight
Is but a dream I dream each night

THE WITCHING HOUR

On All Hallows Eve take special care
You may not see them but they are there
And as they mix up their witches brew
They’ll have their witchy eyes on you

IN THE BLACKNESS OF THE NIGHT

In the blackness of the night
Performing their satanic rite
Satan’s followers incite
To every Demons delight

DEMONS WALK THE EARTH

Demons walk the earth
On All Hallows Eve
And will snatch away
Your soul at their ease

PHANTASM

What is that ghostly apparition?
Is that ghostly figure a Phantasm?
Come to haunt and terrorise us?
No it’s the kid from next door, Adam

THE OLD BLACK WITCH’S CAT # 2

The old black witch’s cat
Has nothing much to do
He’s a sleepy old familiar
Oddly named Witchitypoo
He is quite partial to a mouse
Should one happen into view
But he doesn’t stir himself
For he never has to pursue
There is no thought of chasing
And no need to bite and chew
For with a flick of his paw
A spell is cast by Witchitypoo
And then he leisurely dines
On a tasty mouse stew

HARE COURSING

2011-10-15T13:33:00.000-07:00

On the whole,
No pun intended,
It was a pleasant day
On the Golf course
The sun was warm
The wind was light
The golf was
A mixture of the sublime
And the ridiculous
A day of ups and downs
As my scorecard testified
But the par 4 15th
Was a different story
I had hit a crisp drive
From the elevated tee
And away it flew
Straight down the middle
As Bing once sang
It landed just short of the dog leg
Kicked to the right
And rolled perfectly round the turn
After such a shot
You feel ten feet tall
As you stride down the fairway
And I felt every inch of it
When I reached my ball
I found it sitting up invitingly
And with an unhindered path to the green
I had a birdie chance.
Slightly ahead and to the right
A rather large Rabbit,
Was enjoying the afternoon sun
Blissfully unaware of what was to come
I selected my club
And addressed the ball
“Just hit it straight”
I told myself
I swung the club towards the ball
In a perfect ark
But I must have lifted my head
Because there was and ugly contact
And the ball sliced away
In the direction of the Rabbit
Now had he just stayed still
He would have lived
But alas at the sound of the sliced contact
The Rabbit leapt vertically in the air
Straight into the path of the ball
And died instantly
Now looking back I could have claimed
That the Rabbit put me off
But it didn’t really
If the ball had followed its path
I would have been out of bounds
So the Rabbit sacrificed himself
To save my par

SHE LOOKS LIKE THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

2011-10-15T13:32:00.001-07:00

She looks like the girl next door,
Well my interpretation anyway,
And for me she literally is
The girl next door
The studious Rebecca
Full of cleverness
The only child of the Coopers
Now the studious orphan Rebecca
The bookish girl next door
A homely girl though
In the unpretentious sense
Certainly not plain,
But rather understated
She is unworldly
In as much as the temporal world
Holds no sway for her
Rebecca is an attractive girl
Though not in any obvious way
Dressed casually, always
Mousy hair worn indistinctly
She has never been flash, quirky
Or groundbreaking
No its homespun sweaters
And supermarket jeans
Not exactly the height of fashion
But not dowdy nor frumpy
Unlike most of the world
I look beneath the homespun
As I have all my life
But no one else sees Rebecca
Alas she does not see me
The bookish girl next door
She has her heroes of fiction
How could I compete?
With Ahab or Hornblower
Copperfield or Darcy

ANONYMOUS ANGEL HIDDEN FROM VIEW

2011-10-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

I saw you this morning
As I walked to work
You were a little in front of me,
For part of the way,
And you fell beneath my gaze.
I noticed your feet first,
Clad in sporting wear
Your shoes were sexless,
Indeterminate in gender
The only distinguishing feature
Was that they were small, But that was all.
Your black trousers were baggy
And gave nothing away
As was your sweatshirt
Which was large, long and grey,
Reaching down to cover your bum
Your brown hair was medium length
Of no particular style
So could have been masculine or feminine.
Had the necessity not arisen
For you to reach into your back pocket
I would not have noticed
The shape of your buttocks
The movement of which,
As you walked, gave you away
You were most definitely a girl
As I got closer the wind moved your hair
And through the fine brunette strands
I glimpsed in the delicate lobe
A simple feminine stud in your ear.
You continued walking head down
Watching your sexless feet
Afraid to look the world in the eye
Or afraid the world would notice you?
Either one might be true
I was level with you as we reached the kerb
And you looked up in my direction
To check if the road was clear
And I glimpsed your face,
A pretty face, a lovely face,
Briefly our eyes met
Beautiful soft blue eyes
But I could not hold your gaze
And you looked back at your feet
Withdrawing again into your shell
But I know you’re in there now
So tomorrow morning
I will look for you again

WAR AND REMEMBERANCE

2011-08-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

WAR AND REMEMBERANCE
MONUMENT

Each faceless name
In neat regimen
Of stone masons text
Is one of the fallen
Long forgotten names
Cut deep into the stone
Marking the sacrifice
Of battles Histories
The cold stone sentinel
A poignant reminder

FLT LT RUPERT “TINY” COOLING 1920 - 2010

Time to scramble Tiny
Up into the blue
Up above your ceiling
To once more join your crew

Look lively there Rupert
Fly on, fly on
Up above your ceiling
Rejoin the squadron

CENOTAPH

Bow your undressed head
Before the cenotaph
A reverent monument
To warriors past
But not to glorify
There tragic loss
But to mark the moment
And count the cost

THE GOOD OLD WIMPY

Pilots loved to fly
The Vickers Wellington
From take off
To the end of the mission
And the final approach
When the trusty Wellington
Almost landed itself
When you cut ignition
It just let you down
Like a babe on a cushion

ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER CUFFLEY

With the RFC he flew
Over the country that he knew
Defending against the Zeppelin
Flying in the air so thin
Then in 1916 in the dark of night
He attacked an airship in flight
Amidst machine guns chattering sound
He brought the beast to ground
The first of his kind to do the deed
To attack a Zeppelin and succeed
The first Zeppelin kill in British skies
Robinson victorious after many tries

Flt Lt William Leefe Robinson VC
(14 July 1895 – 31 December 1918)

ROYAL FLYING CORPS – WINGS OVER FRANCE # 1

1917 with the RFC he flew
Leaving behind the land he knew
To fly against the superior Hun
When his squadron was undone
By Jasta 11, The Red Barons flight
Leaving the British four planes light
Wounded and captured on the floor
That was the end of Robinson’s war

Flt Lt William Leefe Robinson VC
(14 July 1895 – 31 December 1918)

FLT LT WILLIAM LEEFE ROBINSON VC
(14 JULY 1895 – 31 DECEMBER 1918)

Valiantly he fought
Against Zeppelins
And the Red Baron alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Died an ironic death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
But by the Spanish flu

ROYAL NAVAL AIR SERVICE - WINGS OVER GHENT

1915 in the RNAS he flew
When a Zeppelin came into view
In the skies over Ghent
So in hot pursuit he went
Taking heavy machine gun fire
Warneford quickly climbed higher
To take up position over head
Where soon the sky turned red
Where the bombs he dropped
Saw the Zeppelin stopped
Exploding in a ball of fire
Blowing Warneford up higher
Overturning the attacking plane
Stopping its engine,which wouldn’t start again
So he had to land on enemy soil
And in the darkness quickly toil
To restart the engins and get on his way
So he could fight another day

Flt Lt Reginald Alexander John Warneford VC
(15 October 1891 – 17 June 1915)

FLT LT REGINALD ALEXANDER JOHN WARNEFORD VC
(15 OCTOBER 1891 – 17 JUNE 1915)

Valiantly he fought
Against Zeppelins
And the patrols alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Died an ironic death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
But in a flying accident
When the wings folded
On a new kite
During a test flight

ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER FRANCE # 2

With the RFC he flew
Over where the ill wind blew
Defending the skies from the Hun
Flying where battle was done
One of Britain’s flying aces
Shooting them down in braces
Flying in the sky so free
His tally numbered 73

Major Edward Corringham "Mick" Mannock VC, DSO & Two Bars, MC & Bar (May 24, 1887 – July 26, 1918)

ROYAL FLYING CORPS – WINGS OVER FRANCE # 3

With the RFC he flew
Over where the ill wind blew
Defending the skies from the Hun
Flying where battle was done
One of Britain’s flying aces
Shooting them down in braces
Flying so close to heaven
His tally numbered 57

Flt Commander James Thomas Byford McCudden VC, DSO & Bar, MC & Bar, MM
(28 March 1895–9 July 1918)

MAJOR EDWARD CORRINGHAM "MICK" MANNOCK VC, DSO & TWO BARS, MC & BAR
(MAY 24, 1887 – JULY 26, 1918)

Valiantly he fought
Against Zeppelins
And the Red Baron alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Died an ironic death
When helping a new arrival
Achieve his first kill
He broke his own golden rule
And followed the stricken foe
To see it crash
And was shot down
By ground fire

Major Edward Corringham "Mick" Mannock VC, DSO & Two Bars, MC & Bar (May 24, 1887 – July 26, 1918)

FLT COMMANDER JAMES THOMAS BYFORD MCCUDDEN VC, DSO & BAR, MC & BAR, MM
(28 MARCH 1895–9 JULY 1918)

Valiantly he fought
Again Zeppelins
And the Red Baron alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Died an ironic death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
But in a flying accident
When the engine failed
While flying a new plane
To his new command

SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

2011-08-08T08:26:00.000-07:00

SELF DISCIPLINED

I don’t need stimulation
Of any kind
Because I have simply
Trained my mind
To flick a switch
If I need to perform
A simple “click”
And I have the horn
I can get an erection
With a single thought
I consider myself
To be self taut

PRETTY LITTLE MARY

Pretty little Mary
Lives on the prairie
And works in the dairy
Her routine doesn’t vary

Pretty little Mary
Skips like a fairy
Sings like a canary
But is cautiously wary

Pretty little Mary
Is on the contrary
Really rather hairy
And a little bit scary

THE WIDOW’S MITE

The Vicar’s sermon
Frank and forthright
Raised the question
Of the widows mite

Quite unnecessary
In my humble view
Because in our parish
There are only two
And I know for a fact
That they both do

LOVE POEMS

2011-08-08T08:24:00.001-07:00

WHEN I SAY

When I say, "I love you", I mean it.
Look into my eyes and believe it
Look into my heart and feel it

I BELIEVE IN SOUL MATES

I believe in soul mates
Whom you can sense long before
They come into sight
I believe mine is close

I BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

I believe in love at first sight
That precious moment
When two people meet their match
Like a key and a lock
Coming together in synchronicity
And the abiding love
Both deep and passionate
That can be unlocked

I AM DEFINITELY READY TO SAY IT

I am definitely ready to say it
I hope she is ready to hear it
How will she take it, who knows?
I take a deep breath and here goes
I stutter and I stammer thru
She said “I know and I love you too”

NONSENSE POEMS

2011-08-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

NONSENSE POEMS
NONSENSICAL # 5

The hand on the knee
No the bland of the tea
Or the stand of the tree
The gland of the pea
Or the band of the free
No the sand of the flea
The brand of the ski
No it’s the Land of the Free

NONSENSICAL # 6

The spa wrangled planner
No the Tsar bangled tanner
The bra strangled Hannah
Or the scar dangled manor
The car mangled spanner
Or the bar tangled scanner
No it’s the Star Spangled Banner

NONSENSICAL # 7

You can take a horse to water
But you can’t teach it to suck eggs
Do unto others before their death
Every dog has a silver lining
Every cloud has his day
Glass houses make jack a dull boy
A bird in the hand is a penny earned
A new broom sweeps many a slip
All roads lead to the stable door
Caesar's wife begins at home
Don't throw the baby out with grandma

MARRIAGE HUMOUR

2011-08-08T08:20:00.002-07:00

MY PASTIME

My pastime is, that I like to Fish
I’d do it all the time if I got my wish
But my wife hates me doing it
And she wants me to stop doing it
I say to her it’s just my hobby
She says its just plain nobby
I say potato she says potaeto
I say tomato she says tomaeto
I say it’s just an innocent passtime
She says next time should be the last time
I say it is about the quiet peace
She says it has to cease
I say it’s appreciating the stillness
She say it’s a mental illness
She says I need to get a life
I thing I just need a different wife

I KNOW WITH CERTAINTY

I know with certainty
That nine times out of ten
When in my house
Something is broken
Or just malfunctioning
I know before I see it
The probability is
One of my kids did it
And the 10 percent of times
They are off the hook
Then I know who to blame
By my wife’s guilty look

NIGHTIE NIGHT

I was feeling fruity last night
But my wife wasn’t in the mood
She said she was too tired
For doing anything rude

But I was still feeling fruity
So I pleaded for her to succumb
Finally she said “ok”,
“Pull my nightie down when you’re done”

MY WIFE IS MAD YET

My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up

But to add insult onto injury
Which left me upset
I was the one who hadn’t
Even been to sleep yet

VARIOUS HUMOUR

2011-08-08T08:20:00.001-07:00

SOME OF THEM

Some make you cringe
Some drive you mad
Some make you freeze
Some scare you bad

Some are enormous
Some are minute
Some are horrendous
Some are quite cute

Some of them jump
Some cause a rash
Some make a buzz
Some make you dash

Some make you itch
Some make you sick
Some kill you slow
Some kill you quick

Some of them bite
Some of them crawl
Some are big
Some are small
But what they share
Is that insects appal
I have to be honest
I hate them all

BAGS OF SACKS

What sacks should I use?
In the garden?
Should I use plastic?
Or maybe Hessian?

I’m not sure I care
To be quite factual
I suppose it’s because
I am bi-sacksual

A BASIC FACT

A fact remains a fact
Its logic remains intact
Its basic premice is unflawed
Even if the fact is ignored

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD

Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote
“The pen is mightier than the sword”
This is indeed, a fine sentiment.
That we should heartily applaud
But when faced with machine gun fire
I fear the proposition is flawed

THE FOURTH EMERGENCY SERVICE

I was driving to work this morning
It was just as the day was dawning
And I noticed a parked up AA van
And next to it was a crying man
But properly weeping and wailing
Down on his knees with arms flailing
I just shook my head with a frown
I knew he was headed for a breakdown

HOLIDAY RELATED HUMOUR

2011-08-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

BATHING DRESS

When the bikini replaced the bathing suit
They were brief, but also rather chic
But the briefness was, nonetheless,
Still sufficient to cover both cheeks

DON’T GO IN THE WATER

I don’t like swimming in the sea
I don’t care what you say it’s not for me
Its not that I’m scared of sharks or eels
Or that I don’t like how a jelly fish feels
It’s not even because of stone fish stings
Or the flotsam and jetsam the tide brings
You may think my phobia quite absurd
But I can’t be swimming along with a turd

BEFORE AND AFTER AT THE SALON

Before

Well you look a little sallow
Right down to the marrow
What you need is a drop of sun
In a bottle I have the very one
Just go into the salon
And you can put some colour on

After

Well my dear fellow
You’ve gone a little yellow
I think a touch too much
In fact much too much
Of the prescribed fake tan
How will you pay Mr Marzipan?

FAMILY HUMOUR

2011-08-08T08:17:00.001-07:00

THE LOST WEEKEND

Oh what calamity did befall?
What an embarrassment for us all
We over imbibed on Saturday night
And awoke on Sunday none to bright
On the porch the paper lay unread
We couldn’t face it and went back to bed
So next morning which was Monday
We found the paper and thought it was Sunday
So we had a relaxing fun day
Not realising it was really Monday
On Tuesday when I returned to work
I really felt a proper berk
My boss had a true blue fit
And saw no humour at all in it
And verbally assailed me with his rancour
Then he called me a total fool

MY DEAR OLD MOTHER

My dear old mother
Recently passed away
But it came to my attention
Only the other day
That she was in fact killed
By a “Mrs A”

VEGETUS # 3

My son has announced
His intent to take the pledge
To give up eating meat
He has given to allege
But I don’t know what he’ll eat
As he doesn’t eat veg

PEARL’S A SINGER

Pearl's a singer,
She stands up,
When she plays the piano
In a night club

Pearl has a sister,
She really pongs
And that’s why she’s lonely
Her job was entertaining folks,
Singing songs and telling jokes
In a nightclub

Shirl’s her sister, and they say,
That she once was a winner, now she’s hopeless
Shirls's a minger, and they say,
That she once had a shower
They said it was about a year a go
When she succumbed to the B.O.
It was rancid

Shirl’s a minger
She stands out
Coz she won’t lose the BO
In a bath tub

VARIOUS HUMOUR

2011-08-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

THE NEWS OF THE WORLD

The News of the World
Oh the irony is sweet
The news of the screws
That tawdry scandal sheet

Hoisted on its own petard
Because of its crime
They have become their papers
Biggest scandal of all time

REAR OF THE YEAR 2011

In the Rear of the Year
Lovely Pippa Middleton
Was pipped at the post
By Carol Vorderman
Clearly those concerned
Prefer rear end of mutton

J. WELLINGTON WIMPY

J. Wellington Wimpy,
One of Popeye’s crowd,
Had an appetite for burgers
Of which he was proud
He’d eat them thru the show
Munching on them loud
And that was way back
When amongst the TV crowd
Product placement
Wasn’t even allowed

ROTY 2011

It is such a travesty
Of a decision I fear
Carol Vorderman
Winning Rear of the Year

But I wonder if Pippa
Gives a damn
That the voters
Prefer mutton to lamb

SENIOR HUMOUR

2011-08-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

SENIOR COURTING

I have met a woman online
A fellow silver surfer
We had a date last night
And I really fancied her

But it’s been too many years
And I couldn’t satisfy her
I think I’m suffering
From penile dementia

SENIOR NETWORKING

A young lady I met in the street
Asked of me “Sir, do you tweet”?
I answered, “No, of course not
But I have to say I do trump a lot.”

LABOUR SAVING THINGAMAJIGS

At my age I can safely say
I do not need more gizmo’s
Labour saving thingamajigs
And gadgetry so-and-sos
The garage door opener
And the TV remote
With those two things
I can just about cope
And I sometimes find
Though they are useful
I get them mixed up
To be quite truthful

STAYING ATTRACTIVE

It seems to me that a man in his middle years
Is rendered more attractive, almost immediately,
To the opposite sex, if found to be wealthy
And/or he is a well known TV celebrity

A Bit Of Lust

2011-08-05T04:17:00.000-07:00

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 08

My thoughts are sinful
And the image I see
Is of you in disgrace
For being naughty
A very naughty girl
Bent across my knee
Your bare bottom
Exposed to me
Being soundly spanked
That’s the image I see

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 1

I think that down below you are bare
You have nothing on down there
There are things you’re not wearing
And I think you’re incredibly daring
But should the temperature turn ill
And you feel in danger of a chill
Fear not for I will execute my plans
And rescue you with my warm hands

THE HOLD OUT

You are so cute and fit
But you don’t seem up for it
Is there a reason you won’t play
Do you swing the other way?
Are you playing hard to get
Or haven’t met the “one” yet
It will take more than charmers
To get into your pyjama’s
Because I think for a start
They must get into your heart

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 2

You’ve gone commando haven’t you?
Don’t shake your head I know its true
That blushing vividly betrays you
And that’s only one of many clues
I have a clinical eye for what I peruse
And I can see dandruff on your shoes

NOBODY IS PERFECT

Do I care she’s not a perfect 10?
I’m really not that fickle
To be honest any bit of fluff
Gives me a trouser tickle

SOME LIKE A GIRL

Some like a girl
Blessed with a certain glamour
Some like a girl
Who uses proper grammar
Some just want one
That bangs like a hammer

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 3

When no undies you are wearing
You think yourself quite daring
Excersizing your Joie de vivre
As you wander wild and free
And it’s so exciting for me to think
Of fresh air blowing around your mink

YOU ARE A GIRL

You are a girl
Who attracts and enamours
You may not mean to
But still every man clamours
For the opportunity
To get in your jammers

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 4

When no undies you are wearing
Your undercarriage gets an airing
And I will not look on in disgust
Should your skirt be lifted by a gust
When the wind gets a little brisker
And all and sundry see some whisker
I shall be the one who stood and leered
At your well aerated little beard

ARE YOU WEARING?

2011-08-05T04:14:00.000-07:00

ARE YOU WEARING A BRA?

Are you wearing a bra?
It doesn’t look as if you are
I think underneath your shirt
Your breasts are free and pert
And clearly if they are
Then you don’t need to wear a bra

ARE YOU WEARING UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing underwear?
Or are you naked under there
Have you gone commando?
Oh I really do hope that’s so
I like to think you are bare
Walking around sans underwear

ARE YOU WEARING A BODY STOCKING?

Are you wearing a body stocking?
Something chic, sheer and shocking
Sexy all in one and figure hugger
I bet your bum still looks like a mugger

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK?

Are you wearing black?
Yes it’s a funeral I know
But underneath the garb
Is that all black also?

No, it’s not irreverent
Picturing you in lacy black
There was no bigger letch
Than your dead uncle Jack

ARE YOU WEARING ANYTHING?

Are you wearing anything?
When you hear the phone ring
And do you reach for a negligee
Or are you comfortable that way
I know that when I give you a call
I want you to wear nothing at all
So when next you hear it ring
Please don’t be wearing anything

ARE YOU WEARING LONG UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing long underwear?
Something with its own trap door
Well no matter how good they look on you
I’d like to see them on my bedroom floor

ARE YOU WEARING ANYTHING AT ALL?

Are you wearing anything at all?
When you make a phone call
From your big desk in the study
Do you sit there in the nuddy
I certainly pictured you that way
When you called me the other day

ARE YOU WEARING PANTS?

Are you wearing pants?
And if you are, are they brief
Or thongs with high cut leg
That barely covers your underneath

ARE YOU WEARING SILK?

Are you wearing silk?
Against your luscious skin
Beneath that pretty dress
Are you dressed for sin?
Garments of sensual silk
How I crave to be within

ARE YOU WEARING SILK, SATIN OR LACE?

Are you wearing silk?
Or perhaps satin and lace
Or maybe you’re wearing nothing
If so you are a disgrace
You’re not wearing any, are you?
I can tell by that blush on your face
I doubt anyone else would suspect
With not a hair out of place
No one would suspect
With that innocent look on your face
But I know you are a commando girl
And I want to share in your disgrace

ARE YOU WEARING LACE?

Are you wearing lace?
To decorates that place
I can’t tell from your face
There is no hint or trace
I think black lace does grace
Your fine pert brace
Oh my thoughts are base
And that image I can’t erase
Of the garments of lace
That cover and encase

ARE YOU WEARING BIG KNICKERS?

Are you wearing big knickers?
Those good old fashioned drawers
That cover everything that matters
But are still the source of phwors

ARE YOU WEARING A VEST?

Are you wearing a vest?
Fitting snugly to your chest
Well it’s about your vests cosy fit,
I’d like to come twixt you and it

ARE YOU WEARING JUST A SMILE?

Are you wearing just a smile?
Beneath your uniform all the while
Though outwardly well uniformed
You stand there unadorned
Beneath your starchy exterior
You are naked front and rear
Nurse, nurse check my breeches
I’m about to pop my stitches

ARE YOU WEARING A BASQUE?

Are you wearing a Basque?
Is it a black one may I ask
Do you have a matching mask
And will you take me to task

ARE YOU WEARING TIGHTS?

Are you wearing tights?
Or do you call them Pantyhose?
Maybe later I will find out
We’ll have to see how it goes

ARE YOU WEARING ANY UNDIES?

Are you wearing any undies?
Beneath your Christmas gear
You had them when you left the house
Perhaps you should explain my dear

ARE YOU WEARING THERMALS?

Are you wearing thermals?
To keep all your bits nice and cosy
Fitting from neck and wrists
All the way down to your toesies
I’m sure it’s a sight worth seeing
I wouldn’t mind a good nosy

ARE YOU WEARING SUSPENDERS?

Are you wearing suspenders?
One of my favourite seven wonders
That miracle of engineering
Both practical and endearing
Oh what a ransom I would pay
If you would kindly see your way
To show the smallest glimpse of thigh
That would be most pleasing to my eye

ARE YOU WEARING CAMI KNICKERS?

Are you wearing cami knickers?
Why does that provoke snickers?
I like the roomy French lingerie
Are you wearing them Môn Cheri?
Oh how they elegantly flatter
And the colour doesn’t even matter
I don’t care if they’re silk or cotton
But tell me that you have them on

ARE YOU WEARING POP SOCKS?

Are you wearing pop socks?
The thought of it really rankles
Those little black stocking socks
Cutting into your chubby ankles

ARE YOU WEARING A SHEEPDOG BRA?

Are you wearing a sheepdog bra?
Don’t answer I can see that you are
Because the rounded up confections
Are pointed in the right direction

ARE YOU WEARING A TEDDY?

Are you wearing a teddy?
Does that mean you’re ready?
For a spot of bedroom play
If you are you just have to say
Please tell me that you are
Awaiting me in your boudoir

ARE YOU WEARING SEXY GARTERS?

Are you wearing sexy garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there lacy garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing lacy garters?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

2011-08-05T04:04:00.000-07:00

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 219

Thirty days hath September,
April, June and November;
But the rest of the rhyme
I can never remember

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 220

A farmer went trotting
Upon his grey mare,
Bumpety, bumpety, bump!
With his daughter behind him
So buxom and fair,
BUMPETY, BUMPETY, BUMP!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 221

Cackle, cackle, Mother Goose,
Have you any feathers loose?
Of course I have you silly fellow,
They’ve been plucking me for a pillow

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 222

Cross Patch, draw the latch,
Sit by the fire and spin;
Fill a cup, and drink it up,
And don’t let your neighbours in.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 223

Little Nancy Etticote,
In a white petticoat,
And long knickers;
She said she’d show him
For a bite of his Snickers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 224

Poor old Robinson Crusoe!
How he does miss you so
But plenty of men in the port
And not the sentimental sort
Poor old Robinson Crusoe!
She really doesn’t miss you so

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 225

There was an old woman
Called nothing-at-all,
Which made it quite difficult
To get her a passport

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 226

There was an old woman,
As I've heard tell,
She went to market
With Her eggs to sell;

She went to market
All on a very hot day,
And the eggs were spoiled
So she couldn’t give them away

FIFA

2011-08-05T03:58:00.000-07:00

Guardians of the game,
Holders of the purse strings
The doers of deals
Honest as the day is…..

On the other hand

Financially
Incongruous
Finagling
Acquiescence

Guardians of the game,
Well respected,
Famed for their integrity
Their stewardship and
Honest endeavour

On the other hand

Few
In
Football
Agree

The beautiful game,
Is the life blood
Coursing through their veins
These guardians,
These stewards and rule makers
It fills their every waking moment

On the other hand
They actually think

Football
Is interesting
For
About a minute

Guardians of the game,
Holders of the purse strings
The doers of deals
Honest as the day is…..

On the other hand
They are

First
In
For
All the dosh

The beautiful game,
Is the life blood
Coursing through their veins
These guardians,
These stewards and rule makers
It fills their every waking moment

On the other hand
They are:

Frauds
Interested in
Football
A little

NATURE

2011-07-21T04:52:00.000-07:00

RUDDY MALLARD

Ruddy Mallard
Ruddy Duck
Ruddy complexioned
Ruddy birdwatchers

SUCCUMBING

Though a cool day
The spring sunshine,
Was hot through the glass
And combined with the wine
And an excellent lunch
It wouldn’t be long methinks
Before I slowly succumbed
To the long blinks

PERVADING SCENTS

Drifting on the breeze
Pervading scents of nature
Tell the summer tale

TALES OF THE RIVERBANK

A bee sipping nectar from a flower
A sparrow sipping dew from a leaf
A butterfly on his way to somewhere
Pays us a visit but it was only brief

A duck quacks out on the water
And we hear a Kingfisher splash
An elegant swan glides effortlessly by
And the dragonfly makes a dash

ODDS AND SODS

2011-07-21T04:50:00.001-07:00

1984

In 1984
The world changed
Irrevocably
It became darker
More foreboding
Not in an Orwellian way
But the sun was cooler
The wind sharper
The future more uncertain
That was 1984 for me
Because in the space
Of just a few short weeks
Tommy and Eric died

TOMMY AND ERIC

Tommy Cooper
And Eric Morecambe
Were funny men
Not vulgar
Or foul mouthed
Not forced or contrived
Just naturally funny men
Who made you laugh
Just by walking on to the stage
In fact thinking about them
Has just made me smile

SHAMELESS SHAZZA

We must pay her now
A King’s ransom
A sum in the millions
So quite handsome

And for what exactly
Sacking her unfairly?
Or more accurately
For sacking her too early

She’ll take the money
Without a thought for Peter
For shameless Shazza
Thinks she’s the victim

CRISIS? WHAT IS A CRISIS?

The FIFA barons
Just keep getting fatter
The fattest of all are
Warner and Blatter
And despite revelations
And newspaper chatter
The president contends
It’s an internal matter

AUSCHWITZ

Auschwitz in essence
Was a processing plant
Or perhaps more accurately
A recycling plant,
Recycling an abundant commodity,
i.e. lower forms of life,
Into a revenue stream
By stripping the resaleable parts
Clothing, jewelry, hair, teeth
And burning what was left.
A cold and calculated business
Inhumanity on an industrial scale.
So the next time
You cast yesterdays must have device
Into your recyling bin
Just remember the Germans did that with people

POLYHYMNIA

Versatile Polyhymnia
Muse of singing
Muse of mime
And of sacred dancing

START TO FINISH

Start to finish
Beginning to end
Dawn till dusk
Weekday to weekend
Young to old
Forever my friend

A LONG WALK WITH GOD

2011-07-21T04:49:00.001-07:00

SIMPLE FAITH

Faith is a very simple thing
Between you and your God King
Don’t let the legion of Clergy
Over complicate by liturgy
The church do not own our Deity
God is inherent in the laity

UNDER THE BLUE AND SUNNY SKY

Under the blue and sunny sky
I open my heart and sing
In praise to the heavenly father
For the beauty of the morning
And raise up my hands in worship
Of my one true God and King

GODS DEVOTEES

You will find in any holy place
Every up turned face
Of the congregation there
With the power of prayer
Can achieve both great and small
With faith and prayer is all
A fellowship on their knees
A family of Gods devotees

TRUST IN HIM

Trust in Him each day
He is dependable always
Trust Him to guide you
He will always be with you

Keep Him in your heart
You are never far apart
Pray in the bad times
Praise in the good times

Trust in Him each day
He is dependable always

THE WORD

You will find comfort
In His Holy Word
It is still relevant today
The Bible isn’t absurd

You will find no better
In any modern tome
Read His word abroad
Read His word at home

MY LIFELONG FRIEND

My Lord Jesus Christ is with me
He has been my lifelong friend
And when he walks beside you
On the saviour you can depend
Jesus was there at my beginning
And He will be there at my end

THE BUSBY BABESS A TALE OF HEROES

2011-07-21T04:47:00.001-07:00

A TALE OF HEROES

Young heroes returning
From a far off foreign field
With hard fought victory won
Where the valiant refused to yield

Like heroes from Homers Iliad
Exalted in the legends
But in the Germanic snows
The heroes journey ends

As the Gods of winter struck
Fire and ice took its toll
And the names were duly writ
Upon an eternal honour roll

Geoff Bent, Roger Byrne (Capt)
Duncan Edwards, Billy Whelan
David Pegg, Tommy Taylor
Mark Jones and Eddie Colman

THE SURVING BABES OF MUNICH

Morgans and Blanchflower
Never played again
Some played to soon
Some could never play the same

Some were cast aside
Some fullfilled there destiny
But none were unscathed
After the tradgedy

Those who remained
Of the team Busby built
All survived the horror
But lived with the guilt

THE BUSBY BABES REPLAYED

The Busby Babes were sublime
The best by far in their time
And when eight of their number
Went to their eternal slumber
They went straight to heaven
To join St Peters first XI

THE BUSBY BABES

The young lads played the game
The Busby Babes was their name
Though they played like magic
They embraced tragedy in Munich
Their plane crashing in the snow
The wreckage burning all aglow
Eigth of their magnificent number
Would not see another summer

JIMMY MURPHY 6TH FEBRUARY 1958

In those brief moments,
Jimmy was happy,
On top of the world.
He had reached the pinnacle
Wales in the World Cup Finals
United in the European semis
Life was good
Life was very good indeed

Then the news came
Of a crash in the snow
And suddenly
Life wasn’t so good.
Information,
Patchy at first
Trickled in,
Not all reliable
Miss information
Spread like the plague,
Then the facts emerged
From amongst the fictions
So many dead
So many lost
And for the living
Life would never be the same

Jimmy blamed himself
For being so smug
For being so happy
For being alive

MANCHESTER UNITED DARKEST HOUR

Broken in he twisted wreckage
The victims of Munics winter carnage
Crashing in the snow and ice
There would have to be a fearful price
And when the bill was finally reckoned
Deaths reaper grimly beckoned
Towards the twenty three poor souls
That appeared on his fearsome rolls
Young men cut down in their prime
Older ones who thought they’d more time
Were all taken from that grissly place
To feel the breath of heaven on their face
Taking the souls who died in the snow
To where the innocents and the heroes go

Love Collection # 9

2011-07-21T04:43:00.000-07:00

UNITY

Being together
Without words,
Thoughts trancend
The empty silence
To find balance
In perfect union,
A comfortable congress

MY LOVE IS FOREVER

My love is forever
For even if we part
You will never
Completely leave my heart

BECAUSE MY LOVE FOR YOU IS TRUE

Because my love for you is true
There is nothing I won’t do for you
Except for this one small thing
Which is that I won’t do nothing

I SHOULD HAVE TRIED MUCH HARDER

I should have tried much harder
Looking back upon that day
I should have fought for you
I should have tried every way

You were the very best of me
Around you my heart lightend
In your presence I walked on air
Around you my spirits brightened

I lost myself in my own conceit
I was consumed by self obsession
I stopped seeing you as precious
And treated you like my possession

I should have tried much harder
On that day so very long ago
I should have fought for you
Instead I ran away and let you go

A BOOK ON THE SHELF

A book on the shelf
Passed by, passed over
Rejected by browsers
Ignored by casual trade
Over looked by readers of discernment
Often handled but never understood
A book on the shelf
Unwanted and unappreciated
Unloved and forlorn waits patiently
For that one special wordsmith
Who will see the small tome
Among the vast bibliotheca
And admire the cover,
The quality of the fabric
Its exquisite binding
He will handle the book
Feel its weight and worth in one carress
And will appreciate its quality.
When he turns the pages
He will engage with the contents
Understanding its language
Each perfect word on each pristine page
This will be a story of such worth
When the wordsmith finds
This book on the shelf

I WALK ON EGGS

I walk on eggs
To protect the fragile peace
I try to be invisible
As I dread your displeasure so
But even in the midst
Of such an uneasy peace
I fear your rejection
For being invisible is still better
Than not being there at all

THE FIRST TIME I TOUCHED YOU

The first time I touched you,
Beckoned by temptation
Was a magical experience
Even in my clumsy seduction
My tender advances met
With spine tingling response
And in a bloodless loving coup
I broke down your sconce

ELAINE

I remember the first time
That I saw Elaine
Just one look
And I was smitten
But I couldn’t speak to her
I just watched
And admired
She caught me looking
Once or twice
And she smiled
Her smile was nice
But I looked away embarrassed
The last time she suddenly got up
And to my utter dismay
She was coming my way
I though she would have a go
About me staring
But no she said “hello”
And told me her name
Then for the longest time
She just looked at me
As I stuttered and stammered
Then she kissed me

IN MY FANTASY

In my fantasy
You bring me ecstasy
In my actuality
I crave your sensuality
So it would seem
I must live in my dream

APPLE OF MY EYE

You are the apple of my eye
Sitting seductively silent
I seem to feel lust and love
Almost in equal measure
Your mere existence
Has brightened my being
And stirred my soul
And awakened feelings
Long buried
But after the lust evapourates
The love will remain
A more tangible emotion
So let us make memories
That we can treasure

LOVE CONQUERS ALL?

Who ever said
“Love conquers all”
Obviously hadnt met you
Normal rules seem not to apply
I surrendered my heart
I bared my soul
All to no avail
You just used me
Then cast me aside
So I am once again alone

DECENT PROPOSAL

The traditional way
Is now rather passé
And may have had its day
But I will ask thee
While on bended knee
If thou wilt marry me

GRACE

When I saw her
I fell in love with Grace
Though her reputation
Was as a straight lace
But I didn’t see that
At all in her face
I went and asked “Would
You dance with me Grace”
She said she would
“But nothing fast paced”
So I placed my hand
On the curve of her waist
And pulled her towards me
And though she was chaste
She didn’t pull away
Or repell my haste
So I danced the next dance
With the beautiful Grace
And the one after that
With a smile on my face
We left the dance floor
With fingers interlaced
On the day I placed my hand
On the curve of her waist
Was the day I fell in love
And my life was Graced

SMOULDERING

Smouldering looks
Flaming desire,
Lustful tinglings
And passionate fire
Eager anticipation
Tantalisingly relishing
Adds to the fatasy
For later embellishing

EXTRAORDINARY GIRL

For a young girl,
Well compared to me,
You have done something
Extraordinary to me
You have warmed my cold heart
You have cleansed my unclean soul
You have instilled purpose
Where there was none
Out of despair I now have hope
You have laid the ghosts of my past
So I now have a future

RHYTHMIC LIFE

I have a life with rhythm
And clarity of purpose
That defines me perfectly
And that clear rhymic life
Is your great gift to me
A gift given before God
When we joined in matrimony
The depth of our union
And the depth of our love
Will not easily be bested

A PERFECT DAY

A perfect day
Spent with you
The two of us
That’s my view
No one else
Just us two
A perfect day
Spent with you

VULGARLY HUMEROUS # 2

2011-07-21T04:42:00.000-07:00

TOP OF THE LINE

Toward little ones I incline
Your little breasts are fine
As sweet as cherry wine
Your threepennys are klein

Toward little ones I incline
Small by natures design
Beautiful when you’re supine
For your little breasts I pine

Toward little ones I incline
Disappearing when you recline
Your nakedness I love to entwine
And your little breasts are mine

Toward little ones I incline
The scientists want to refine
I like them little, bottom line
They are the top of the line

THERE IS MORE TO SEX THAN LUST

Sex isn’t just lust
Or a mere coupling
A base fulfilment
Of primeval need
Or secreting pheromones
Its isn’t just mechanical
Or indeed chemical
It isn’t in simple terms
A trigger to be pulled
It isn’t all out of control
Exchanging fluids
And sweaty effort
There is more to sex than that
But I will accept
That it is mainly lust

IN HER LITTLE YELLOW BEETLE

I always used to see her
And wanted to take a trip
In her little yellow beetle
As she cruised the strip

But she never noticed me
Though I hoped one day
In her little yellow beetle
She would drive me away

Then one day out of the blue
She pulled up along side
And said “hello hansome”
And took me off for a ride

Well that was quite a night
That I will never forget
In her little yellow beetle
I had the best ride yet

THEY’RE ON THE MOVE

They’re on the move
Within the silk
They rock and roll
And tip and tilt

So I must reach inside
Your dressing gown
Then I’ll grab on
And hold them down

TOTTERING TOTTIE

Oh my little piece of
Tottering tottie
You really light my fire
You are such a hottie
I think you are easy
Like as nottie

MY PRETTY LITTLE MISSY

My pretty little missy
Let me fumble inside the silk
Of your well filled blouse
Or at least something of that ilk

PLEASE, PLEASE ME

You temp me and tease me
And then displease me
You go cold and freeze me
But then you seize me
Hug me and squeeze me
Not just to appease me
You want me to please, see
And I have expertise see
But you too can please me
And then you reprise me

A HINT OF MINT

On your breath
There is the smell of peppermint
And on your cheek,
Is that a flush?, at least a hint
And a look on your face
Of the guilty kind
You’ve been up to something
I can’t make up my mind
But your misdeamnor is,
Unless my instincts are failing
That you’ve either been
Swallowing or inhaling

ROUGH SILK

Your touch is sexilly silken
Your hands are like gloves of velvet
You’re the greatest lover
You’re the one I’ll never forget

Blah blah blah, enough of the poetry
Just put your hand up my pelmet
We’ve been at it ten minutes
And you havent got my pants off yet

ONCE INSIDE HER CLOTHES

Once inside her clothes
Her vest and bra and such
The roundness of her breasts
Soft yet firm to my touch
And the coarseness of her bush
Excited me very much

RAMBUNCTIOUS

It was noisy and unrestrained
Ill disciplined and bestial
A rambunctious coupling
That was making her squeal

JIM

The most important thing for Jim
Was his admiration of quim
Which surpassed everything for him
In his eternal pursuit of trim

OH OBJECT OF MY DESIRE

Oh object of my desire
An object to deflower
I want you to know
You feed my libido
But I must keep my counsel
And forget the horny damsel
For if her Dad got in my head
I would be surely dead

THE BODY IS A TEMPLE

The body is a temple
And worthy of protection
Its purity is sacred
And is Gods gift of perfection
But for your body I crave
Its complete and utter desecration

POSH TOTTIE

She was posh tottie
Her name was Pandora
She was a throuroghbred
But an easy scorer
She had perfect elocution
But wouldn’t talk dirty
Even if she was drunk
And blatantly flirty
She’d say, put your penis,
In my vagina
And give one, one
You mother fornicator

EVERY WHICH WAY

I fucked her up
I fucked her down
I made her smile
I made her frown
And when I’d tupped
Till I’d shot my lot
I withdrew it
From her slot
Then she took my cock
In her gob
And sucked the cum
Off my knob

SHE WAS A SIREN

She was a siren
She was a vamp
She was a harlot
She was a tramp
She was always hot
She was always damp
And you could turn her on
Like she was a lamp

VULGARLY HUMEROUS # 1

2011-07-21T04:41:00.001-07:00

NAKED LUST

While idly watching you undress
I have a thought, of course one of lust
And as I pondered thoughtfully
You caught me watching but showed no disgust
You were used to my libidinous bent
And happy to let me do, as I must
And as long as it ended with a good seeing too
You weren’t really fussed

IT’S A MUST-O

You said you were not fussed-o
When I said I’m full of lust-o
Oh let me fondle at your bust-o
Then we can go at it with gusto
You said well if you really must-o
Come and exorcise your lust-o

LECHEROUS

When I see a young woman
Dressed seductively to flirt
I wonder what I would find
Hiding up beneath her skirt
Will it be the neatest nest?
Or the wildest overgrown thatch
Will it be the fullest bush?
Or an over groomed snatch
And if there is a hairy muff
Will the collar match the cuff?
The answer is of no import
Its just an old mans dirty thought

THE SURE THING

She was a dirty horny little cow
And I wanted her and how
I saw her breasts small and pert
And wanted to explore up her skirt
I knew about her slutty reputation
That she’d do it without hesitation
So it was a case of when and not if
And that thought was making me stiff
So you can imagine my surprise
When she stood hornily before my eye
She gave me the once over and told me no
And said that even she wasn’t that low
I’D WAITED AN HOUR UP THAT TREE

I’d waited an hour up that tree
In a position that I could see
And my patience rewarded me
As she appeared in the bedroom nakedly

The beautiful little piece of fluff
I could see standing there in the buff
And I copped an eyeful of her chuff
And the most delightful little muff

But then quite embarrassingly
A man mounted her quite rampantly
I realised it was my young brother Lee
And that was when I fell out of the tree

OODLES

There is more to life than boodle
So if you use your noodle
And find yourself a piece of Strudel
To have a bit of a canoodle
She might let you stroke her poodle
You might even get the whole caboodle

DEGRADED AND SPENT

Degraded and spent
Sullied but unashamed
She awoke in his arms

OMG

OMG your tits are huge
Firm and round
And gravity defying
Not resting on the ground

OMG your tits are astounding
So pleasing to the touch
A couple of beauties
To adoringly clutch

OMG bad for your posture
Is that what they say?
Well a little back pain
Is a small price to pay

THE WALKING WOUNDED

The walking wounded
And the living dead
The quibbling siblings
Daisy, Maisie and Fred
Every Tennis menace
And Rugger bugger
Every football hooligan
Every thief and mugger
Well they’re all at it, everyone
Every daughter and son
Him and her and me and you
Doing what birds and bees do

DIRTY LITTLE WITCH

She is a dirty little witch
And you have that horny itch
To feel your swollen cock twitch
So pop on a night fighter
Its time for your bishop’s mitre
To penetrate the pillow biter

PEEPING TOM

Well what a life changing experience
Before my surgery I could barely see
It was like looking through frosted glass
Shapes and colours seen indistinctly
But when the dressing came off
I could see much better, just a little misty
Like looking through steamed up glass
But now even the mist has cleared
And I can see everything perfectly
I can see the girl I love as clear as day
But I still have to climb up a tree to do it

LOOSE WOMEN

I always thought
The Essex girls were loose
Of very easy virtue
And well up for a goose
The pretty ones
With the mate like a Moose
The sad old slappers
Who were easy to seduce
And the dirty ones
Who liked it up the caboose
Well I now have to say
I have managed to deduce
That girls everywhere
Do it with the least excuse

18-30 HOLS

I love the 18-30 hols
Making out with the foreign dolls
Some of them are just a bit flirty
Some of them are just plain dirty
Some of them are straight laced
Some of them are just two faced
And tell you No to your face
Then you see to their disgrace
They don’t have any underwear
Wearing nothing at all down there
Zonda pantaloon, uden undies
Nashi cami, fuera frillies
Bez briefs, No hose, senza smalls
Nicht knicks, Sans pants, bugger all
No thongs, panties or bloomers,
No knickers, big pants or drawers
Ilman, Gan, Sin, Uten, Utan, without
The dirty little minx’s are wearing nout

SPECIAL DELIVERY

There stood I, naked, in phallic splendour
Ready to give service roughly or tender
Suitably aroused for a service to render
“I have a special delivery here for Brenda”
And she marked it cruelly “Return to sender”

GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS

2011-07-21T04:37:00.000-07:00

BIG MO

Big Mo was engineered
To perfection
Designed for comfort
And consummate pleasure
From her long shapely legs,
Ample buttocks
And rolling hips
To her well filled blouse
Big Mo was
State of the art

A fast little number
With a fine racing chassis
Bodywork with Classic lines
Well upholstered
With a lush interior
A well run motor
Purrs like a kitten
When warmed up
When well oiled
Hot and racy
Naught to naked
In 30 seconds
Naught to naughty
All nightlong

GAYNOR

Gaynor was pretty enough
Not top draw or second rate
But apart from being common
Gaynor was unfortunately Jailbait

DEBBIE

I went out with a Debbie once
But most men of my generation
Have been out with a Debbie
It was hard to avoid any association

It was because of Debbie Reynolds
The actress from America
She was in “Singing in the Rain”
You know, Carrie Fishers Mother

They were hard to avoid anyway
They came in all shapes and sizes
Some were full of port and lemon
Some were full of surprises

But don’t think the name made
Debbie’s different to any other
I’m just bitter because my Debbie
Went off with my brother

BRENDA’S BUM

Brenda’s bum was the roundest
The most ethetically soundest
Being perfectly symetrical
Globular and spherical
And firm to the touch
Which I liked very much
So for me the number one
Was Brenda’s perfect bum

STEPHANIE

She was certainly a sight
To wet any appetite
Elegant and graceful
Understatedly sexual
Outshining the sex kittens
The vamps and the vixens
Mouth-wateringly tantalising
Deliciously appetising
All the time she was there
All eyes consumed her
She would grace any menu
At any type of venue
But her appearance was brief
She was but an aperitif
But she was surely a sight
To wet any appetite

BELINDA

I don’t have a foot fetish
I am not particularly into feet
But Belinda’s were perfection
Exquisitely small and neat

I’ve always thought feet ugly
I know mine are of that kind
But her perfect painted toes
Made me change my mind

CHARLIES LEGS

Charlie had fabulous legs
From ankle up to her thigh
And wrapped in black stocking
They really caught the eye

SALLY

Sally was a lovely girl,
The daughter of family friends
Our parents thought to interfere
To join us for the own ends

And being in Sally’s company
Was enjoyable and pleasing
We had always been close
Sharing jokes and teasing

But anything else than that
I would just have to resist her
For to have a sexual relationship
Would have been like bedding my sister

But I was relieved to find out
That Sally had told her mother
That it was simply immoral
To be expected to marry her brother

JUICY LUCY

Juicy Lucy
Game and goosey
Lucy loosey
What a watusi
Juicy Lucy
Loosey goosey

LAURA, LAURA

Laura, Laura
How I adore her
I saw her, Laura.
Laura with the Aura
I saw her with Cora,
The lovely Senora
What’s she doing for her?
Laura for the Senora
Ah she’s sharing her Aura

PANDORA

Ah there’s Pandora see?
Satisfying Laura Lee
And she doing it orally

DIRTY SUSIE

While dirty Susie
Was giving me a blow
She did so well
I almost let my load go
So I withdrew myself
From the abyss
Sucked at her tits
And gave her muff a kiss
Then I bent her over
For doggie kind
Then banged her snatch
From behind

GERTY

A young lady called Gerty
Is perky and flirty
Divertingly perty
And just down right dirty

MARTI

A young lady called Marti
Is vivacious and hearty
And just a bit tarty
But great fun at a party

EROTIC LINES

2011-07-21T04:35:00.001-07:00

STRANGERS ON A TRAIN

She had blocked the corridor
And I had blocked her passage
And an enpasse had been reached
Which was not so easy to assuage
Eventually compromise reigned
And ground was conceided equally
And accomodations were reached
A curt embrace followed, continentaly
This led surpisingly to kissing
Then there was cuddling and huggage
And passions burned brighty
And we made love amongst the luggage

RELISHING THE MOMENT

If opportunity exposed
A glimse of stocking top
Before my licentious eyes.
Should my perusal stop?

Should I avert my gaze?
From a most pleasing sight
Or consider it serendipidous
And drink in the delight

THE FLIRTING AND THE FLAUNTING

We looked through the eyes of lovers
The flirting and the flaunting passed
The want and need self evident
Then I was kissing her
Urgently with burning passion
And her response matched my intensity
As her passion deepened
She tore at my clothes, and I at hers
Then in our nakedness
Came the toying and teasing
Her fingers on me caressing and stroking
Mine on her touching and penertrating
Then I consumed her eager flesh
In its tender succulence
Like a ravenous beast
We made love like never before
Till we lay spent in our disgrace

IN THE PALM OF HER HAND

She holds me in the palm of her hand
In a literal sense, body and soul
Her fingers wrap around me
And she tugs on me roughly
Playing with my shaft
Then faster and faster
Until I’m nearly there, then she stops
And she’s on her knees
Her mouth enveloping me
Working on me eagerly
But she plays with me
Getting me close then stopping
Then starting again, then again
Until I thought I was losing my mind
Then again she takes me to the abyss
Closer and closer and closer
Until I explode and then I am consumed

LANDSCAPE OF PLEASURE

My hands glide over her curves
And contours in a sensual exploration
Of the silken landscape
Her flesh tingles at my touch
Breathe starting to pant
Her nipples swell in arousal
Standing in sharp relief
I feel the glow of passion swell in me
And with nimble fingers
I explore her seat of musk
Then like a bee would visit a dewy rose
I sip nectar from her moist blossom
Drinking deeply of her labial delights
Before entering her portal of ecstasy

IN HER SILK NIGHTDRESS

In her silk nightdress
Each movement made the surface
Ripple like fresh milk

ON THE CUSP

I saw a girl, older,
And on the cusp of womanhood
Who would make me a man

A GENTLE CARESS AT THE NAPE

A gentle caress at the nape of my neck
A kiss smouldering upon the lips
Your gentle hands on my skin
Electricity passing from your fingertips
Your hands slide across my back
Down to my waist and then my hips
Only when we carnally entwine
Will we reach our ultimate eclipse

EBONY SILK

Her skin was like polished ebony
And was silken to the touch
Her breasts were equisitely formed
And the dusky tips stood proud
As they welcomed my mouth
My fingers carressed her soft belly
Slowly down to the coarse triangle
That stood sentinel
To the velvety prize beyond

PURE BLISS

Skin as pure
As fresh drawn milk
And to the touch
Velvet, satin and silk
No blemish
But for natures kiss
A beauty
Made for sensual bliss

I KISSED EVERY INCH

I kissed every inch
Of her sweet perfume skin
From the nape of her neck,
Collar bone and throat,
To each perfect breast
Across her soft belly
To her luscious loins
Where I consumed
Her sweet sensuality

EACH BREATH

Each stroke
Each caress
Brought more eager breath
Each gasp
Each pant
Made you more animate
Each sigh
Each moan
Changed your expressive tone
Each cry
Each scream
Lived in this erotic dream
Each whimper
Each exclaim
Led you to when you came

Love Collection # 8

2011-07-21T04:28:00.001-07:00

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (4)

From the Bell Rock Light House
And the North Sea swells
To the Newfoundland grand banks
Were the hardy seamen dwell
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Because you’re my special mademoiselle

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (5)

I have stood in view of the Mongolian steppes
I have stood upon the Pacific Ocean shore
I have stood on Virginias Blue Ridge Mountains
I have looked from Cape St Vincent in awe
I have seen many things in my long life
It is my plan to live to see many more
But I know I will never see more beauty
Now I stand beside you of that I’m sure

PLUVIAL SEATTLE

I am a sun worshipper by nature
An inclement climate doesn’t suit
But I love you with all my heart
You’re pretty and witty and cute
But now you’re off to Washington
You have decided to totally uproot
And relocate to Seattle of all places
A place of frequent rain by repute
So should I trade the Californian Sun?
For the long wet winter commutes
I worship you more than the sun
You’re pretty and witty and cute
So even Seattle’s pluvial reputation
Will not deter me from pursuit

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (6)

I have stood by the Anatolian salt springs
I have stood upon Lake Victoria’s shore
I have stood in the Himalayan Mountains
I have looked upon St Helens eruption in awe
I have seen many things in my long life
It is my plan to live to see many more
But I know I will never see more beauty
Now I stand beside you of that I’m sure

CAUGHT IN THAT FIRST INSTANT

Caught in that first instant,
That first take, from a distance
There appeared from the Woodlands edge
A kind of low misty apparition
Almost like a cloud of drifting smoke
Emerging from the tree line
Of course when I got closer I realised
It was just the flowering Hawthorn

STAR-CROSSED WALKERS

A star-crossed couple in the park,
Walking hand in hand in the dark
They don’t care about wind and snow
They have a love to keep them aglow

I TRIED

I tried to win your heart
With every step and stride
With my every waking breath
My troth I fervently plied
Wearing my heart on my sleeve
I let my heart be my guide
But “never in this world”
You disdainfully replied
You killed my love
With your callous amouricide
And you left me broken
When you cast me aside
I gambled and failed
And there was no place to hide
But I didn’t just try and fail
Sadly I tried and died

IT TOOK A MINUTE

It took a minute, or less,
To pick you from the crowd
Within an hour, I truly knew
What a special person you were
By the end of that first day
I had fallen in love with you
Now at the end of your last day I know
It will take a lifetime to forget you

Love Collection # 7

2011-07-21T04:26:00.001-07:00

I’LL KEEP A CANDLE BURNING

I’ll keep a candle burning
In the porch window
I’ll keep it burning there
Through wind and rain and snow
I’ll keep it burning brightly
Just to let you know
That I still love you baby
And I don’t want to let you go

JUST ONE SIGHT

Just one sight is all
It takes and I can't sleep,
For dreaming of you

STUDY BUDDY

She was just my study buddy
She wasn’t anything to me
She just agreed to help me out
With physics and chemistry

She was just my study buddy
She wasn’t interesting to me
But I’m not sure how it happened
But now were doing biology

YOU ARE THE BEAUTY

You are the beauty,
The reason for my infatuation,
And my existence

I WILL ONLY GIVE MY LOVE

I will only give my love
To someone deserving, who
Will know its true value

IT ONLY TOOK

It only took a kiss and a smile
A slow walk down the aisle
And you changed my life
When you became my wife

CAUGHT IN THE SHADOWS

Caught in the shadows, tears,
My only true companion, trapped
In abject despair

UPON THE CHESSBOARD

Upon the chessboard
The pieces move
And change their futures
Their course and direction
And I want that
I want to make a move
In a different direction
Toward a different future
I will set a new course
And face what presents itself
There is nothing I can’t do

FALLING TOO EASILY

Falling too easily
Brings you only heartbreak
And bitter tears in the end

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (3)

From Scotland’s stormy western isles
To the land of the rising sun
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Because for me you’re the only one

Love Collection # 6

2011-07-21T04:25:00.001-07:00

SWEET JOANNE

Sweet Joanne
With the perfect tan
Consummate style
And the white toothed smile

Joanne so fair
With the brunette hair
Oh hear my plea
Won’t you please go out with me?

PRETTY LITTLE JO

Pretty Little Jo
You confuse me so
You are prettily petite
With size three feet
You are funny and quirky
And infectiously perky
You act just like a girl
In your ribbons and curls
But pretty little Jo
What confuses me so
Is when you speak
Your voice is too deep

FINE AS SILKEN THREAD

Fine as silken thread
Her hair shone like burnished
Gold, in the bright sunlight

A PERFECT CIRCLE

A perfect circle
Of love has enveloped me
An eternal circle

A TRUE LOVE

Our love is a true love,
An everlasting for-
ever love, our true love
WE ARE SEPARATE NOW

We are separate now,
Irrevocably apart
So why do you refuse
To leave my broken heart

I CHANGED ON THAT DAY

I changed on that day
For the whole world to see
When I asked you out
And you didn’t flee
You wernt rude to me
Or laugh hysterically
Instead you smiled
And then said yes to me
And I changed again
For the whole world to see
When I said I love you
And you said you loved me
A TANGLED WEB

A tangled web of
Lies, woven of jelous spite
Brought you solitude
SORRY IF YOU CAUGHT ME STARING

Sorry if you caught me staring
But it was your fault to be fair
I was bedazzled by your beauty
And your shock of flaming hair
So what else could I have done?
But stand open mouthed and stare

I WHISPERED

I whispered those three
Words to you and you replied,
But I love you more

Love Collection # 5

2011-07-21T04:23:00.000-07:00

FILL ME UP

Without you in my life
My cup is an empty whim
Your love nourishes and fills
Me right up to the brim

ONLY WINDOW DRESSING

Lovely as you are,
Beauty is only window dressing,
Beauty lies within

PERFECT CLARITY

True beauty will only shine
With perfect clarity from
A heart full of kindness

THE FLAME OF PASSION

Promise me that you will
Let the flame of passion always
Burn within your heart

LONG AND LONELY NIGHTS

Without you at my side
All my nights are long and lonely,
And all my days are empty

THE BEAUTY OF HEAVEN

The clouds obscure each star
But the beauty of heavens array
Is just out of sight

VISIBLE IN THE CLARITY

How gently she smiled, with
Love visible in the clarity
Of her perfect green eyes

I COUNT MY BLESSINGS

I count my blessings
I count them twice
I thank the lord
For one so nice

I will always love you
Until the very end
You are my lover
My wife and my friend

ALL MY EGGS IN ONE BASKET

I gave my heart, and put
All my eggs in one basket, but
I have no regrets

YOUR DELICATE HAND

Your delicate hand
Is pale, your finger perfect
To fit the golden band

Love Collection # 4

2011-07-21T04:22:00.001-07:00

LIVING ON THE DEFENSIVE

She told me that she loved me
And I didn't know how to react
I’m afraid to say I love her
I want to keep my heart intact
Is it time to let down my guard?
Should I tell her how I feel?
What if she is false or insincere
My heart may never heal
Should I expose my feelings?
Even though I feel insecure
But if I keep my feelings secret
Or wait until I am certain sure
I risk undermining her love
Blemishing it at its very start
And I could lose her love forever
And that would break my heart

WITH MY PETTY JEALOUSY

Sibilant whisperings
Greeted me
For it was I
Who stole their glee

The gathering
Looked upon me
As the architect
Of their misery

They could barely
Keep their hate inside
At this wedding
Without a bride

It was all my doing
With my petty jealousy
And with it in me
I had made her flee

HAPPINESS WAS THE HARBINGER

Happiness was the harbinger
Of my doom
Happy laughter echoed
In every joyful room

But we were too happy
That was our crime
The God’s couldn’t bear
To see us happy all the time

So they sent the angels
To take you from my side
They took your life
And left me dead inside

Sadness envelops me
As I kneel by your grave
I try to keep back the tears
I try my hardest to be brave

But they come anyway
My grief is unconfined
My dear sweet angel,
Resides with others of her kind

I curse the selfish Gods
For their spiteful jealousy
And pray to them also
To come soon and take me

NO MERE FRIPPERY

Though some thought her unworldly
I thought she was cute
I think not being wise in the ways of the world
Is an attractive trait
It left her with an air of innocence
Untainted by convention
Some thought her a mere frippery
I thought her beyond price
But I was in a minority of one
And to my great relief I found
She was overlooked by the rest
Which left this sweet curiosity
Exclusively to me
She was my Tulip in an onion field
My Daisy in a Rose boquet
She is now my constant companion
The love of my life

SHE’S THE BUTTERFLY KIND

She’s the butterfly kind
With a butterfly mind
Always moving she never sits
Her head is full of thoughts that flit
The butterfly miss
With the butterfly kiss

ENTWINED IN THE AFTERGLOW

Passions spent in our libidinous embrace
Loves contented glow upon her face
I feel safe lying entwined in the afterglow
But in the morn will love melt like April snow
Or will its strength sustain in longevity
Or shall we remark upon its easy brevity
I could lay here forever cocooned in eternal love
We are a perfect fit, the hand and the glove
But if it didn’t last forever I still had - this
Then gently on her soft flesh I leave a loving kiss
And I urged myself to live in the moment
And know that there I could be content

THE MARINERS TALE

Marked by the tides of love,
We almost breached the sea wall
Before our fortunes waned
And we began our Titanic fall

From the crest of a wave
To the depths of the deepest sea
Marks the rise and fall
Of the love between you and me

I CAN SEE YOU ARE BLESSED

I can see you are blessed
With love in your heart
I see it in your face
Radiant like a sunburst
The glow on your cheek
When he’s near you
And the clarity in your eyes
When you look at him
And that self satisfied smile
Of utter contentment
You are in love
Without a doubt
I can read you like a book
And I can see a love story

A LIVING DREAM

A living dream
Changes the moments
Of my everyday existance
Into a time of bliss.

MONOCHROME WORLD

Without you today
Everything is grey, your love
Coloured all my world

Love Collection # 3

2011-07-21T04:20:00.000-07:00

RADIANCE AND BEAUTY

Radiance and beauty
Seeps out from your every pore,
Pure loveliness

I FEEL SUCH A LOVE

I feel such a love
Pulsating through my lonely heart
Rippling through my soul

WHEN YOU SIT NEXT TO ME

When you sit next to me
The skies seem to brighten
I feel sunlight on my skin
And all my senses heighten
Just being in such close proximity
Makes my old heart lighten
Just imagine if you only knew me
Then I’d be as invisible as a titan

MIX AND MATCH

If only you could mix and match
To build the perfect girl
It would be great fun
I think I’ll give it a whirl

Bits may be out of proportion
She may look odd I guess
But she will only have eyes for me
And she will only answer yes

THE MOST PERFECT WOMAN

If I could make
The perfect wife
To keep with me
All of my life

If I was able to
Build the perfect one
I would chose Charlie’s legs
And Brenda’s bum
Laura’s breasts
And Eliza’s back
Annie’s arms
And Connie’s neck
Jenny’s hands
And Sarah’s toes
Cassie’s ears
And Karen’s nose
Maureen’s mouth
And Stephanie’s grin
Doreen’s hair
And Patricia’s skin
Charlotte’s voice
And Debbie’s eyes
Joanne’s teeth
And Susan’s thighs
Emma’s grace
And Christine’s hips
Diane’s heart
And Penny’s lips

If this was something
That I could do
She would still not
Be as good as you

A WASTED LOVE

Do you know why,
Even after all these years,
When I close my eyes
Its your face I see
Even after all these years
My thoughts are of you
My dreams are of you
Its because I still love you
And I am stuck
In this mind set
Of not being able to love another
While I’m still in love with you
It’s a wasted love
Because you moved on
When I could not
Your heart is cold to me
While mine still burns for you
I've known that for years
But I cannot break free
And when my eyelids close
You are there behind them

BENEATH THE MOONLIT SKY

Beneath the moonlit sky
I looked at a star and wished
Then later that moonlit night
Beneath the moon we kissed

SHADOW DWELLER

I have always been content
To live in the shadows
Avoiding the limelight
Keeping out of the sun
Living on the fringes of life
Bathing in the reflected glory of my peers
Living life vicariously
Keeping the world at arms length
And keeping a low profile
Laughing at other peoples jokes
Rejoicing in other peoples good fortune
Cheering on other peoples success
Crying at other peoples weddings
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride
Always the uncle, never the father
Always the friend, never the lover
And why not? no harm no foul
Its safe wrapping yourself in Clingfilm
Living a sterile life, protected
Against the pain and hurt
That fills the world
And I was more than happy to do it
And I thought myself the better for it
But now I realise
I am incomplete
I have lived a half-life
Taking no risks
Not opening my shell
By not exposing myself to the dangers
I have denied myself the pleasures
Well no more will I be content
I will no longer inhabit the shadows
No more will I view life from the fringes
I want to be blinded by the limelight
I want to walk in the sunlight
Before it’s too late to live a full life

IF ONLY YOU WERE HERE

If only you were here
So I didn’t miss you
If only you were here
So I could kiss you
If only I had been
Granted three wishes
Then I would wish you here
And cover you in kisses

LIVING IN THE SHADOWS

I finaly looked into the shadows
And saw where you live
Because I’ve reached the end
I have no more to give

I really loved you
And I thought you loved me
But it wasn’t love
That you wanted from me

You wanted control, of
My every thought and deed
You brow beat me and bullied
Until you got me to conceed

You've always been there
Behind my tears
Belittleing and undermining
Feeding off my fears

Deprecating me, correcting me
Telling me I’m wrong
Bleeding me until I am weak
Making yourself strong

But all those empty years
I just couldn’t see
I was blind to just how bad
You really were for me

But now my eyes are open
And I see the man within
Those dark days are behind me
And my new life can begin

LOVE STRUCK

It feels like only yesterday
That you first came in to view
And the world seemed to stand still
As I looked at you
It seems like only yesterday
That cupids arrow took flight
And struck me through the heart
And it was love at first sight

LET YOUR WIND GO FREE

2011-07-21T04:11:00.000-07:00

WINDY WILL

Blow, blow thou inner wind -
Thou art so unkind
As man's flatulence
Thy toot is not so keen,
Because thou art not seen,
Although thy breath be rude

UNCONTAINABLE

The fetor of the sewerage farm
With its strong offensive smell
Could not be easily confined
Behind the high palings of its cell

A TRIBUTE TO LE PÉTOMANE

I got the tell tale sign
As I was stood in crowd
And I knew its containment
Would not be aloud
So what should I do?
Release a silent gaseous cloud
And slowly move away
Or just let rip long and loud
A fart of which
Le Pétomane would be proud

TRAPPED WIND

You feel the gripey twinge
Your tummy starts to grown
It always happens in the lift
When you’re not alone

You know it wont be held
You just hope there is time
To get off the lift
Before you commit the crime

And just when you think
You cant hold it anymore
The lift comes to a stop
Though its not your floor

But you decide to get off
As you cant hold it anymore
And release a quiet fart
As you step through the door

You sigh with relief
You made it just in time
And then the doors closes
On the scene of the crime

And even though
You’re on the wrong floor
You know your smelly fart
Is the otherside of the door

CALL FOR SETH

If you need a job doing
Then you need Seth
He is cold, deadly
And as ruthless as MacBeth
He strikes with a deadly puff
A foul satisfying breath
He is the flatulator
The noxious dealer of death

NOT WHAT IT SEEMS

Just because when you fart
It sounds like an angels breath
It doesn’t mean for a moment
That it will not smell like death

A FORCE OF NATURE

It may be like fabric tearing
Or maybe gunfire shooting
It maybe like a trumpet sounding
Or some other musical tooting

It may be like a despairing sigh
Or like a balloon deflating
It maybe like a duck quacking
Or some small mamals mating

But whether loud or soft
Short or long, musical or flat
There’s one thing for sure
You can’t keep it in so that’s that

AN AIR OF DISAPPROVAL

I am not embarrassed
When the trumpet sounds
Like when Joshua brought
Jericos walls falling down

But my wife feel differently
And her face does frown
When I happen to loudly fart
As we are walking in town

LOVE COLLECTION # 2

2011-07-05T04:18:00.000-07:00

THE GIFT

If I could, I would bring you such a gift
That would see your spirits lift
And up to heaven you would soar
So I could be with you once more
And I could tell you to let go
Let all the bitter tears flow
Like the late September rain
So that you can learn to love again
That is the gift that I would give
Because I want to see you live

WILL MY PLEA ABOVE

Will my plea above
To gladden and cheer
My ardent call for love
Fall on deafened ear

Is there not but one
Who will hear my plea
And fill me with joy
Please, please hear me

Don’t leave me all alone
Let me share my love
Please have mercy
Oh hear my plea above

Take heed of my plea
Just another soul to love
Gentle and replete
And as precious as a dove

WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE

When you love someone
And you know that they love you,
When they speak your name
It no longer sounds the same

IT ISN’T LOVE

It isn’t love, when you kiss all the time
Lust is what that is
The bits in between the kissing
Now that’s where the love is

I LOVE YOU IS SOMETHING

”I love you” is something
You should only say
If you mean it
But if you mean it
When you say it
Say it all the time
In case she forgets it

THE END

I knew this time would come
I knew there would be an end
So don’t try to justify yourself
And no we can’t still be friends

LITTLE MARY

Little Mary
Neat and petite
A little angel
Short and sweet

Little Mary
Hold my hand
As we walk
Along the Strand

Little Mary
Give me a kiss
On your sweet lips
My little miss

Little Mary
Here’s my heart
Its not much
But it’s a start

Little Mary
Take my hand
Then you can wear
My wedding band

SILKEN

Beneath my fingers, Her
Skin, quivering, simpering,
Was like living silk

IS IT THE RIGHT TIME?

I’m not sure I’m ready to say it
But I know I really feel it
So I will tell you that I love you
And hope that you love me too

LOVE COLLECTION # 1

2011-07-05T04:12:00.000-07:00

BUT DON’T TELL ME

I know you want to end it
But don’t tell me at the hotel
Don’t tell me at the café
I know I won’t take it well
Don’t tell me at the restaurant
Don’t tell me by the pool
Don’t tell me on the beach
Don’t make me look a fool
You can tell me in the ocean
And realise all my fears
Tell me as we swim in the sea
Then you won’t see my tears

ONLY SKIN DEEP

You are truly beautiful
But beauty is only skin deep
Isn’t that what they say?
Only skin deep?

But looking through my eyes
Who ever said those words
Would think that they
Now sound quite absurd

For to say of you
That beauty is just skin deep
Must stir the angels hearts
And make them weep

You are truly beautiful
To the core of your being
It’s not just your skin
That I am seeing

Your beauty emanates
From your soul,
Gracing every atom,
That makes the beautiful whole

From the marrow of your bones
It outwardly flows
So on your lustrous skin
Your beauty glows

I REMEMBER LINDA

I remember way back when,
And my first schoolboys crush
When just to look at Linda
Was like being hit with a sugar rush

I remember when she said
“I really like your shirt by the way”
Well I was so in love with her
That I wore that shirt every day

THAT’S LOVE THAT IS

My big sister really loves me
I know this because, you see
All her old clothes she gives to me
But that’s not all, I’ve just begun
Because when she is all done
She has to go and buy new ones
That’s love that is

WHEN WILL I REACH THE MAIN EVENT?

When will I reach the main event?
I’m tired of dainty canapés
I’ve had too many hors d'oeuvres
They are getting on my nerves
When will I reach the Entrée?
When will I meet the one I seek?
My life long dining companion

TOO OBVIOUS FOR ME

Every morning, I watched you
As you got on the bus with graceful ease
You skirt just the wrong side of modest
Your blouse low cut to tease
I never knew your name
You were just the flirt in a skirt
My friend was obsessed by you
But although I could look at you with lust
You were not for me, not quite my cup of tea
I liked the quiet girl, two seats in front
Who got on and off the bus unnoticed
Except of course for me, I saw her
And I knew her name, and I married her

FOURSOME

I’m in love with A
Alas she likes B
B fancies C
But C wants me

LONELY GIRL BY THE WINDOW

Lonely girl by the window
Looking out on the world
As ever alone in her room
By the window sits the girl

She watches from the window
As the world passes her by
As always alone in her room
She sits by the window and cries

Lonely girl by the window
Sits at the window and dreams
And hopes that life for her
Isn’t as despairing as it seems

She watches from the window
Wishing in her lonely solitude
With all the hope in her heart
That one day she will be rescued

SWEET LOVE SONG

Each word leaving
Your sweet lips
Is like a velvet caress
Your words are like poetry
Each syllable, honey coated
Every sentence
Dripping with nuance
The formed verses
Of loves refrain
All at once
Lightening my heart
And touching my soul

IN THE CLOUDLESS NIGHT SKY

In the cloudless night sky
Each star clear
In the heavens
Sparkling like sequins
On a ball gown
Are you there?
In heavens firmament
Are you the bright star?
The one more beautiful
Than its neighbour
A thing of beauty
As you once were
At my side

METICULOUSLY REHEARSED

I was prepared
I had it all planned out
Every word
Every gesture
Meticulously rehearsed
Till word perfect

I was prepared
For excitement
Unconfined joy
Tears of happiness
Words of love
And utter delight

I wasn’t prepared
For your reaction
Your unkind words
Your gestures
Tears of laughter
And utter rejection

WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?

When did it happen?
How did I not notice?
What distracted me?
Or have I been blind
Where did she go?
The awkward girl of yesterday
Where is that ungainly creature?
When did you become a woman?
Have I been blind all this time?
When did you bloom into woman hood?
When I looked away
You were an ugly duckling
When I looked back
A bird of paradise
When did you become so beautiful?

THE SEVENTIES

2011-06-27T05:06:00.000-07:00

If the 60s was the decade of dreams
Then the 1970’s was the decade of nightmares
It was the decade when
The German hex over England began
As in the heat of Mexico, in 1970
They knocked us out of the World Cup,
And it all went downhill from there
The defeat to Germany
Was to be England’s last appearance
In the World Cup Finals for 12 years.
The following year saw Arsenal,
The team we all love to hate,
Do the League and cup double.
1972 saw me enter the work place
And I’ve been there ever since, but I’m not bitter.
1973 was a mixed year
Manchester United were relegated to division 2,
The Washington Redskins lost in the Superbowl
And a significant other entered my life.
1974 United won promotion as champions
But Liverpool won the FA Cup and they blossomed
Into a force that would dominate for years to come.
The following year Liverpool won the league title
In 1976 Southampton beat United in the cup final,
All the worse as my future father in law was a saint’s fan
The high point of the decade came in 77 when
United won the FA Cup, beating Liverpool 2-1
Normal service resumed for 1978
As I discovered there was more to girls
Than holding hands and stealing kisses.
And that they very definitely weren’t,
All sugar and spice and all thing nice
My significant other left me for an accountant,
Who supported Luton Town,
And to add insult onto injury was ginger
1979 United lost in the Cup Final to Arsenal
And so ended the decade of disappointments
When the only thing naffer than the music
Were the 70’s fashions
The decade that didn’t even have style
Or a decent musical accompaniment
The 70’s when dreams turned to nightmares

THE SIXTIES

2011-06-27T05:05:00.000-07:00

The sixties, what a decade
I was only five, when in 1960
The Beatles hit the scene
And the following year
JFK took office as President
In 1962 a very significant appointment,
That of Alf Ramsey as England Manager,
Who brought us the Wingless Wonders.
The reborn Manchester United
Rising phoenix like from the ashes of Munich
Won the FA Cup in 1963.
In 1964 I held hands with Carole Duffy,
A very wonderful event at the time,
1965 saw United win the League title
And the mini skirt first appeared
The latter was less significant when I was 10
Then in 66 England won the world cup
(And yes the ball did cross the line)
United won the League again the following year
And then fulfilling the dream,
So cruelly crushed 10 years before,
Manchester United won the European cup in 1968.
1969 was famously the year
That Linda McMahon first kissed me
Oh and Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.
For me it was a decade of dreams coming true
A time when I thought life just couldn’t get any better
And I was right, because then came the 70s

WHAT I WANT YOU TO WEAR

2011-06-27T05:04:00.000-07:00

I’m looking forward to our date
I hope you dress appropriately
A dress would be nice,
If not a loose fitting top
And skirt, flared,
Its more flattering,
Nothing figure hugger
And definitely no trousers
Stockings obviously, not tights
I don’t want your bum to look like robber
Garters are acceptable,
A nice lacy ring
Suspenders would be better
I like to ping
A bra, if you must
Nothing too fiddly
Front loading is ok
As long as it’s obvious
I hope you’re wearing granny pants
I’m not a fan of thongs
Or anything tight
Granny pants are quick release
And I want you bare arsed ASAP
That’s how I want the evening to end

THE RELUCTANT VOYEUR

2011-06-27T05:03:00.000-07:00

It was a hot summer day,
Carrie was home from uni
And sitting in the shade,
She couldn’t abide the sun,
Hidden from view
In a quite corner of the garden
Lost in solitary thought
When stepmother Julie
Walked out from the house,
The garden being very private,
And Carrie not due back till later
Julie thought she was alone.
Carrie was about to say hello
When Julie slipped off her dress
To stand naked on the lawn
Arms stretched above her head
She pirouetted like a ballerina
Showing her self off
To her secluded surroundings,
Celebrating her nakedness
Offering herself to the sun
Then she lay down on a blanket
Carrie was again about to speak
But found herself unable
She was mesmerized
By the tableaux before her,
And a little arroused
Which surprised her
Not being so inclined
Not being of that persuasion
She was no disciple of Sappho
But what harm could it do, to look
With no fear of discovery
She was a reluctant voyeur
But the opportunity presented itself
And she took it
Where was the harm
Watching a beautiful woman
Sunbathe naked
But then Julie started to touch
And caress her nakedness
At first Carrie looked away
Slightly embarrassed
But her curiosity drew her back
And her arousal heightened
Growing deeper with each stroke
And when Julie’s body arched in climax
Carrie let out an audile squeal
Julie glanced over in her direction
And their eyes met and Julie smiled
Then she beckoned to Carrie
A wordless invitation to join her
She arose from her place of hiding
And walked slowly to her step mum
Where for the first time
Carrie enjoyed Sapphos sweet embrace

SENIOR MOMENTS

2011-06-20T06:17:00.001-07:00

I TOOK HIM TO THE MOUNTAIN

I took my grandson
Up into the mountains
We walked for three hours
Until we reached a vantage point
And we sat and looked in awe
At Gods majestic landscape
My intention was to impart some wisdom
To my young grandson
About how he was at the startline
And I had the finish line in sight
But I didn’t in the end
It was only when we had hiked
For three hours down the mountain
That I remembered
Why we went up there in the first place

SENIOR SPEED

People speed
For many reasons
Some are disorganised,
Some are late,
Some are impatient,
Some have no sense of direction,
For some it’s an emergency
That fuels their urgency
But for me, as a retiree
I have to drive fast
To get there before I forget
Where it is I’m going

YOUNG AT HEART

Young at heart
Well that’s a start
You’re only as old as you feel
Isn’t that the deal?
Well in my heart I feel young
But when all said and done
Being young at heart, let’s face it
Still means you’re older in other places

RETIRED?

I was tired yesterday
And I’m tired again today
That makes me re-tired I’d say

HAPPY HOURS

I always liked happy hour
Well when I was a younger chap
Now at my age I’m afraid
Happy hour is taking a little nap

CRS

I’ve been diagnosed with CRS
Yes I think that’s it
I forget what it means
Oh yes “Can’t remember shit”

BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE OLD

Do you know why it is?
That old people like to keep a pet
Is it for the exercise?
Or a bit of company, better yet

Well the truth of it is
And this will leave you all agog
It’s so when they bend down and break wind
They can blame it on the dog

SENIOR DILEMMA

Why is it that as I get older
My brain cells are dying
But my fat cells
Just keep on multiplying

SENIOR BRIGHT SIDE

There are benefits to getting old
Though you may feel you are cursed
But just remember in a hostage situation
You are likely to be released first

SENIOR CONVERSE

You should not as a general rule
Engage in converse in anyway
With one or more retirees
On almost any given day
Because they have nothing
But time to fill their day
Which they use in short
To think of silly things to say

A WORTHWHILE PURSUIT

Since I happily retired
I have the reason and rhyme
To devote to my hobbies
So I spend most of my time
In the pursuit of exellence
And just in my spare time
I have perfected the art
Of converting beer and wine
Incredibly quickly
Into pure golden urine

HALFWAY UP THE STAIRS

I have come to the conclusion
That old age just isn’t fair
You know sometimes I find myself
Standing halfway up the stairs
Wondering if I was going up
Or coming back down from there

GROWTH SPURTS

When I was in my teens
I was regarded as unusual
Due to the rapid speed
I was extending in the vertical
But that was long ago
And my height now is more usual
But some unseen force is at work
And I’m growing horizontal

EASTER EGG HUNT

When it comes to hiding the eggs
In the garden at Easter
I can actually hide my own now
Thanks to Dementia

ACT OF MERCY

I have always told my children
And I told them again last night, quite late
That I didn’t want to live
In a vegetative state
To be given fluids from a bottle,
Dependent on a machine, no matter how up to date
So they took away my glass of wine
And unplugged my computer, the ingrates

GENERALLY FUNNY

2011-06-20T06:15:00.000-07:00

LIGHT ON HIS FETE

My brother is dyslexic,
Which is a bit of a trial
And I also think he’s gay
But he’s still in Daniel

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

In France they don’t call it a pothole
Instead they call it a hen’s nest
It sounds much nicer doesn’t it?
But for drivers, they’re still a pest

THE LYNX EFFECT

I bought some new Aftershave,
You should try it
It smells of sunflower seeds
The birds really love it

DIPLOMACY

Diplomats have the ability
To do their job so well
That they can tell you,
To your face, to go to hell
In a way that not only,
Does not offend you
But becomes something
You are looking forward to

I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED

I certainly don’t want to be murdered
So I find myself rather fascinated
Exactly how important do you need to be?
Not to be murdered but to be assassinated

WHEN I DIE

When I die
And I ascend
How long, from
My untimely end
How much time
Must I spend?
What part of eternity
Must I extend?
Wearing the outfit
I wore at the end

MARGE AT LARGE

Marjorie was a clairvoyant
Of diminutive stature
Imprisoned for fraud
Or something of that nature
But she escaped
They couldn’t hold on to Marge
The police now seek
A small medium at large

THE SPICE OF LIFE

In the great war my grandfather
Survived a mustard gas attack
On a peace march my father
Survived a pepper spray attack
On a rally my uncle had mace
Squirted right in his face
I suppose you could call my ancestors
Seasoned campaigners

ALPEN DANGER

My dear friend was pulled under
By a strong currant, and tragically
My dear friend was drowned
In his breakfast bowl of muesli

TANGO’D

It is possible to have
Too much of a good thing
I feel I should say, though
I’m not sure where to begin
It involves the colour orange
i.e. too much fake tanning
So unless it’s Halloween
Please don’t look like a pumpkin

AMAZONIAN SPIDER

My son wants a spider
For his approaching birthday
I’m giving it some thought
I’ve not said yay or nay

Well I checked the price
At a well known pet shop
And when they said £90
Wow did my jaw drop

But he’s dead set on a spider
Won’t accept anything instead
So if he really wants a spider
I’ll get a cheap one off the web

APPLE FAUX PAS

Apple have cancelled the launch
Of a new iPod aimed at kids
But due to negative feedback
The project is on the skids
It’s believed the product
Was to be called the iTouch Kids

ALAS POOR HAMLET

Alas, poor Derek! I blew him, Fellatio: a fellow
of infinite zest, of most excellent fancy: then he hath
boned me on my back a thousand times;

KIDDIE FIDDLER

Well they just arrested a paedophile
Who would look at the children and drool
He was in the children’s playground
And was caught playing with his tool
But credit where credit is due
He always drove slowly past the school

911

I had just ordered my dream car
The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own
So I contacted all my friends
By text on my mobile phone
“Can’t wait for the new 911”
As simple as that, just the job
An hour later the door was kicked in
By the anti terrorist squad

MISUNDERSTAND INN

Being a Christian man,
Of high moral standing
I was not prepared
For the resulting misunderstanding

It was on my arrival
At the hotel reception
After the pleasantries
And before completing registration

I merely asked the receptionist
If she was at all able
To make sure the porn channel
In my room was disabled

To which she replied
With the tone of utter scorn
“No, you sick bastard.
It’s just regular porn”

STEALING AN EMBRACE

If you have sex with a prostitute
And leave without paying
Is there a specific law in statute?
Or is it just like shoplifting

THE FOLK OF THE AMERICAS

The folk of the Americas
In that tropical region
Ate a missionary
And got a taste of religion

THE NEW A-TEAM

I always loved the A-Team
A force for good
Coming to the rescue
All guns blazing
But no one ever got shot
Hannibal Smith was the brains
B.A.Baracus the brawn
Face was the fixer,
And howling mad Murdock
Well need I say more

Well they’re coming back
In a newish sort of version
Well a Jewish sort of version
Called the Oy Vey team
With Chaim Schmitt
BA Barabbas
Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Musseltoff

DOOR STEPPING

There are two women
Calling at houses down our street
Brow beating every one
Of the poor householders they meet

They extol the virtues
Of brown bread and its affect on fitness
One in particular is quite fierce
I’m sure that she is a Hovis Witness

MARATHON MAN

I used to be a Marathon man
A Marathon man was I
Then they renamed them Snickers
I don’t know why

ALL THE PRESIDENTS’ MEN

All the presidents’ men
Were all of a fluster
When Gerry Mander
Met Phil Lee-Buster

ELECTORAL LAW

It is an unwritten law
That candidates for council election
Must be uncircumcised
i.e. Tipped except during erection

Now don’t get excited
It is in no way anti Semitic
It just means that to be a politician
You must be a complete prick

FULHAM’S FOLLY

Outside a football ground in London
At Craven Cottage, the home of Fulham
Stands a statue of Wacko Jacko
Why is it there? I don’t know
What is he doing in West London eh?
Is it because when Fulham play
They are not all black or all white
Not unlike Jackson himself, is that right?
Or is it just that Al Fayed my old lad
You are really barking mad

NOT QUITE A CYCLONE

My sister has a new cleaner, Eastern European
But she’s a bit slack
It takes her 5 hours to Hoover the house
But then she is a Slovak

THE HABITS OF RABBITS

The habits of rabbits
Are of limited scope
How can I be delicate?
The females seldom say nope

TRAGIC CARPET RIDE

An entrepreneurial friend
Sells exploding prayer mats
Now when he first told me
I thought he was bats
But he’s really doing well
He showed me the proof
The prophets are clearly
Going through the roof

HADRIAN’S WALL

The simple reason why
Hadrian’s Wall was built
Is that north of the border
The extremities wilt
As the wind doth blow
Right up your kilt

THAT LIVED IN LOOK

To give a house that
Lived in look only takes a tick
In fact one lazy Sunday
Should really do the trick

THE RIGHT WEATHER

If you live in the United States
And the weather uses all of its charms
Wear a short-sleeved shirt
After all you have the right to bare arms

FAMILY INSURANCE

Money isn’t everything
That much is very true
But it makes sure the kids
Keep in touch with you

CRISP ETIQUETTE

The chunky McCoy’s
Are the crisps for boys
The fluffy puffy curls
Are suitable for girls
And the uniform Pringles
Are for the sad singles

THE TRUTH ABOUT PRINGLES

Pringles are all uniform
The same weight shape and size
Pringles are never any different
They never ever surprise

The Pringles stack in a tube
They fit in ever so neatly
They were obviously designed
For those with OCD

EURO SURVEY

There has been a survey, not a referendum,
To see if Britain should change to the Euro
And it appears that the no’s are in the majority
Apparently they are happy to stick with the Giro

NEW CHEESE

I saw a new brand of cheese
At the super market today
It was called Armageddon
I suppose it looked ok

I think it was long life cheese
Or some synthetic blend
I didn’t buy it because of the sell by
It just said “Best before End”

COMPELLING READING

I was reading this book today
At the library in town
It was “The History of Glue”
You know? I couldn't put it down

CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY

I saw a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener
Which I thought quite absurd
“You don't need that to open a banana” Said I
And he replied, “This is for the custard”

BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER

I went to the local video shop and said,
“Can I borrow “Batman Forever?” My friend”
He said, “No, I’m afraid that’s not possible
But you can have it for the weekend”

LET’S SPLIT

I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits
It’s an ambition since my earliest days
The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”

BOOKING OFFICE

I requested a train ticket to Paris
And the ticket seller said “Eurostar”
“Well I've done a bit of telly”
I said “but I'm no Alan Carr”

AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER

I went to an Animal shelter today
I wasn’t impressed as a matter of fact
It was incredibly small an pokey
There wasn’t enough room to swing a cat

LL$!!FAM@!!£ER L#%@$!?!?ILIOG

I was in North Wales
Just the other day
When I was verbally assailed
While visting Conway
A string of forteen letter words
Was hurled my way

REVERSE MODE

Top super model Bimbette,
It has been disclosed
Has lost her crown
The model has been deposed

SAY?

I saw a photo of a wheel of Stilton
In a glossy magazine today
And I wondered as the shutter clicked
What the photographer asked it to say

WISING UP

My grandson thinks me a wise man
While my wife thinks otherwise
And my boss thinks I’m a wise guy
Which I think is contrariwise

SACKED

I have been given the sack,
Let go, dismissed, terminated
And it was a misunderstanding
That has left me so deflated

I just simply didn’t realise
And here’s the bitter sting
That overlook and oversee
Didn’t mean the same thing

A PRESSING OCCUPATION

The woman that does my ironing
Has always been harassed and stressed
But lately her work has gone to pot
And I think she may be depressed

EASILY IMPRESSED

The woman that does my ironing
Is a natural, she is truly blessed
But she can’t see it herself
I’m beginning to think she’s repressed

IN THE EVENT OF ???

When three out of four engines
Catastrophically fail during flight
You will still have enough power
To get you safely to the crash site

A QUESTION OF BALDING

My head is completely devoid
Of hair of any shade or hue
So when asked for hair colour
On official forms, what do I do?

SECULAR EDUCATION

The education system
Is becoming increasingly secular
But Schools will never
Totally achieve their doctrinaire
For the simple reason
That as long as exams are held there
It is safe to assume that for the pupils
There will definitely be prayer

70’S MUSICAL DESERT

The forties
Brought us swing
The fifties
Brought us rock and roll
The sixties
Brought us the Beatles
The seventies
Brought us bugger all

POLTERGEIST?

Poltergeist
Polterghost
Poltergoose
Poltergeists
Polterghosts
Poltergeese

FREAKISH

Well I’ve seen some freaky stuff
And the freaky folk that do it to them
But I have to say the strangest thing
Was watching S&Ms eating M&Ms

DINGLE DELL
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dingle dell, Fairies dwell
The Elves and Pixies play
Oh! what fun it is to hide
When hide and seek we play

SINGLE GIRLS
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Single girls, single girls
They go all the way
Oh! what fun it is to ride
On a single girl today

INVERSE

My poems have been called
On a good day, ribald
More often artistically bald
Humourous? So-called
Wit to scathe and scald
Tastelessness unrivalled
Not written but scrawled
Or just plain tired and auld
But I say with joy untold
Prepare again to be appalled

REPEAT OFFENDER

It was his repeated use
Of drastic plastic
Which led to his appearance
At Devizes assizes

SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

2011-06-20T06:14:00.001-07:00

DATING PREMISE

When a man puts on his cologne
And a woman puts on perfume
The intention is not primarily
To smell each other I presume

THE MORNING AFTER

After a wild drunken night
Of drink, drugs and animal sex
I awoke the next morning
And after finding my specs
I realised I was in bed
With the ugliest of women
And made a resigned sigh
Knowing I’d made it home then

CANT LIVE WITHOUT VIV

I really love my new girlfriend
I think she came to me from heaven
And I never want to be with out her
So I’m going to oblivion with Vivian

LIFE LESSON

When I was young, life was full of riches
Then I discovered women could be bitches
And some even gave you embarrassing itches

IT’S NOT HIP

Don’t get your hip tattooed
Because at the risk of being rude
It doesn’t look cool or chic
And it’ll make you look cheap

THE TROUBLE WITH FLIES

Flies spread many diseases
That are diagnosed
So for the sake of public health
Keep yours closed

FALLEN FROM GRACE

When the Vicar and the fallen woman
Were discovered in embrace, I was shocked
Then afterwards the woman was denounced
And the amorous clergymen was defrocked
But I should say that the word on the ground
Is, we’d have liked it better the other way round

IF YOU WERE ASKED THE QUESTION # 1

If you were asked the question
How do you get a big girl into bed?
Would you try to be PC?
Or say “A piece of cake” instead

I DIDN’T KNOW MISS WORLD WAS IN TOWN AGAIN

If you have begun to tire
Of being the object of men’s desire
Not of being attractive per se
But of being hit on every day
But short of becoming reclusive
Which is of course not conducive
There is little to do but improvise
And swat the insects like they are flies

THE STICK INSECT

My sister is very thin
In fact she’s a stick insect
Straight up and down
Viewed from any aspect
If she didn’t wear glasses
Before embracing
No one would know
Which way she was facing

MY MAN IS MY BEST FRIEND

My man is my best friend
He listens to me,
Enables me,
Reassures me,
Inspires me,
He makes me feel special
He makes me feel sexy
He understands me
He is in touch with my feelings
My man is my best friend?
Is he bollocks
Gordon’s is my best friend
Give me another gin and tonic

THE BIKER AND THE PRETTY MISS

A big tattooed hairy biker
Noticed as he was riding by
A girl stood on the ledge,
Of a bridge way up high.
The biker stopped his bike
And asked the girl why
She was stood on the ledge
“I’m going to jump” was her reply
He shook his head in disbelief
That she would want to die
So he made her a proposition
Before you commit suicide
Give me a kiss, pretty miss
Give me a kiss as your goodbye
The little miss agreed to the kiss
A kiss to be remembered by
So the biker and the pretty miss
Engaged in a kiss of goodbye
An embrace of passionate fire
That seemed to lift them up high
When it was over and they parted
The biker said “my oh my oh my
That was the best kiss I ever had
And you want to commit suicide why?
You can kiss so well, what a waste
Tell me why do you want to die?”
“That’s easy, my parents don’t like me
Dressing as a girl,” she replied

MARRIAGE LINES

2011-06-20T06:13:00.001-07:00

LOSING HER MIND

My wife of some fifty years
Is convinced her mind has finally gone
Which is hardly suprising
When she gives a piece of it to everyone

SENTENCING

In the English language
The shortest sentence
Is reportedly “I am”
This would make sence
But does that mean, “I do”
Is the longest sentence?

IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO

They were found in the toilet
In flagrante delicto
Well done mum and dad
That’s the way to go

MY GIRL HAS DUMPED ME

My girls dumped me
For some hirsute Brute
I was gob smacked
I said strewth Ruth
You can’t leave me for him
Not this prick Mick
Well he wanted to fight for her
But I called a truce Bruce
I said I don’t want you to go
To tell you the truth Ruth
But you’ve made your choice
And it’s thick Mick
I had tears in my eyes
I was bellowing like a moose Bruce
As I helped her into her truck
God I’ll miss that beaut Ute

THE NIGHT OUT

I’d been to some bars
And drunk a few jars
And while I was there
I became the worse for wear
When my double vision
Started causing derision
And tired of the scoff
I took myself off
To be greeted at home
By a malevolent gnome
The bane of my life
My diminutive wife
But when I was drunk
I wasn’t afraid of the skunk
Her anger I would dismiss
And bring her round with a kiss
But my advance was declined
Which I thought was unkind
I thought I would rise above
Her rejection of my love
But despite my attempt
To show her contempt
She still wouldn’t let me in
I thought in may be the Gin
So I used reasoning
Without any seasoning
But what I said to her
Just came out as a slur
Then she angrily said
“Go and sleep in the shed”

BURNT OFFERINGS

My wife burns the toast
She makes a habit of it
Then puts it in the garden
For the sparrows and the tits

Not many birds are keen
Even in the harshest weather
But you can spot those who are
Because of the curly feathers

MY WIFE IS MAD

My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up

MY WIFE HAS A TERRIBLE HABIT

My wife has a terrible habit
Of staying up till the early morn
And I can't break her of the habit
Of staying up till the dawn
Why on earth does she do it?
Is she up surfing the internet?
Or is she an incurable insomniac?
No, she stays up coz I’m not home yet

WIFI WIFE

I call my wife my Wi-Fi,
You might wonder why
Well she works at home usually
Or in the garden, truthfully
I have no physical connection to her
And at night the neighbour uses her

THE LOSS OF LOVE

The loss of love you see
Isn’t due to infidelity
It’s caused by over familiarity
And excessive intimacy
For how can love survive?
When before your eyes
Is the object of your affection
Rubbing cream on some infection
Or the person you are dating
Is on the toilet evacuating

NIGELA I’M NOT

I’m not a domestic goddess
And it’s not something I espouse
If you don’t believe me
Just ask the spouse
He’ll tell you, I only have a kitchen
Because it came with the house

SLEEPLESS

How awful is insomnia
I can only imagine
I don’t suffer myself
As soon as pillow meets head
I sleep like the dead

My wife suffers terribly
She just can’t switch off
Its like her very own
Rolling news programme she said
News 24, all night in her head

VIRGIN WHITE

Wedding dresses are white
As a symbol of purity
A statement to the world
And a promise or surety
Well that’s the tradition
But in truth there is more
Wedding dresses are white
To match the kitchen decor

MARITAL DISCOVERY

After twenty years of marriage
To my dear lady wife, Mrs McCall
I have discovered what makes her happy,
Absolutely bugger all

HEALTHY HUMOUR

2011-06-20T05:37:00.000-07:00

GOOD HEALTH WARNING

In regard to the state of good health
The fact that you cannot deny
Good health is just the slowest speed
At which we will eventually die

DOCTOR FRANK

My doctor was very frank
When discussing my fitness
He said to me without humour
“What fits your busy schedule best?
Exercising for one hour each day, or
Being dead for twenty four”

TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS

I’ve just got back from Spain
Where I was taken queer
And not understanding a foreign quack
Was my biggest fear

Well when we got to his gaff
You’ll never guess what I saw
“English speaking Doctor”
Written large upon the door

I thought what a good idea
A real turn up I would say
Then I got to wonder why
We don’t have them in the UK

GARNISHING

If you put a tomato
On top of your knickerbocker glory
Instead of a cherry
It counts as a salad; well that’s my story

DOCTOR BLUNT

My doctor was very unfair
He said that the handle on my reclining chair
And my TV remote control device
Are not sufficient forms of exercise

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the first week
I am watching sport on TV

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the second week
I’ve begun to do a little more
I’ve started driving past
A sporting goods store

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
But by the third week
It started to get hard
As that’s when I started trying
To put on the leotard

THE PILSBURY PHILOSOPHY

Isn’t life strange?
And it can be quite a dilemma
And occasionally unfair
i.e. The healthiest part of a doughnut
Is the hole, unfortunately
You have to eat through the rest to get there

DEADLY HYMENOPTERA

Insects are dangerous
I thought you should know
Some kill you quick
Some kill you slow

Some poison the blood
In your arteries
Yes I’m talking about
The hepatitis bee

DEADLY RECREATION

Don’t go swimming
When the red flags fly
Don’t go in the water
When the waves are high

Don’t go swimming
If it’s too risky
And don’t even dip a toe in
The hepatitis sea

DOCTOR SHARP

I went to see the doctor
With fluid on the knee
And do you know what he said?
“Take better aim when you pee”

A FARE HEARING

My friend just returned from America
Where he had under gone surgery
To have a hearing aid implant fitted
And he was telling me about it excitedly

He said it was space age, state of the art
Twenty thousand dollars and worth every dime
I asked about the battery, “What type is it”?
He said I think it’s a little after nine

ANAPHYLAXIS

I had to go to the hospital today
After I had been stung by a bee
And my head really swelled up
But the doctors said not to worry
It was just caused by anaphylaxis
Which I have to say surprised me
Because I went to school with her
And I thought she really liked me

MANNOGRAM

A mannogram is a new test
And is the most effective way
Of detecting if a man has a heart
So get yours checked out today

FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS

Plastic surgeons have the expertise
To enhance breasts into a feature
But disproportionate enhancement
Makes for an odd looking creature

NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED

Now I’ve had my sight restored
Thanks to the surgeons prescision
I finally appreciate the worth
Of TV in High Definition
After spending so many years
Watching TV in Monet vision

ATTRACTION

I’m overweight I know
But it’s not my fault though
It’s because of the surgeries
Replacing my hips and knees
It’s the fridge magnets you see
They keep attracting me

THE USES OF GOOSES

2011-06-15T07:32:00.002-07:00

THE USES OF GOOSES # 01

One use of a goose
Is as a guard goose
As part of their charm
They give the alarm
However guard geese
Aren’t easy to cease

THE USES OF GOOSES # 02

Be warned about the use of a goose
If well roasted in goose grease
You will have cooked your goose
And caused a decrease in your geese

WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON?

2011-06-15T07:32:00.001-07:00

WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 01

Why do I love you hon?
Because you don’t know the answer
To your own question
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 02

Why do I love you hon?
I love you most because you
Don’t realize why I do
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 03

Why do I love you hon?
Because you feel fortunate
That I’m in love with you

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES

2011-06-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 01

The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
You get from taking a pee

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 02

The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
Of letting your wind go free

VEGETUS

2011-06-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

VEGETUS # 01

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Is that something you have done?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Though I couldn’t eat a whole one

VEGETUS # 02

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Have you done that, do you reckon?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Tell me do they taste like chick’n

ICE CREAM PARLOUR

2011-06-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 01

I went to the ice cream parlour
At one of our seaside resorts
And I wanted an ice cream
But, well, there were allsorts
“Knickerbocker glory sir?”
The ice cream mans retorts
“Yes I do enjoy a certain amount
Of freedom in these shorts”

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 02

I went to the ice cream parlour
And ordered an ice cream sundae
“Hundreds & thousands?” he asked
“No I’ll just have the one for today”

NHS CUT BACKS

2011-06-15T07:25:00.001-07:00

NHS CUT BACKS # 1

The NHS has plans to save money
As they are strapped for cash
The plans have got up the Allergists noses
And Dermatologists think them rash

NHS CUT BACKS # 2

The NHS has plans to save money
And there has been opposition all right
But the Gastroenterologists
Don’t have the stomach for a fight

NHS CUT BACKS # 3

The NHS has plans to save money
And many are opposed to the suggestion
The Obstetricians feel that the government
Are labouring under a misconception

NHS CUT BACKS # 4

The NHS has plans to save money
Which ENT consultants won’t follow
They won’t hear of budget cuts
They think the plans quite shallow
Which have got up there noses
And they find them hard to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 5

The NHS has plans to save money
Which some seem to accept, though
Cardiologists for example
Don’t have the heart to say no

NHS CUT BACKS # 6

The NHS has plans to save money
Which Pharmacologists won’t follow
Because they feel the cuts
Are simply a bitter pill to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 7

The NHS has plans to save money
But they plans maybe hard to pass
The Proctologists have responded
By telling them to stick them up their arse

NHS CUT BACKS # 8

The NHS has plans to save money
Paediatricians think them too tough
But there complaints have been rejected
As they are not considered grown up enough

NHS CUT BACKS # 9

The NHS has plans to save money
But it is unclear who will oppose the plans
Radiologists can see through them
But the Surgeons just washed their hands
Hospital managers had a meeting and claimed
It will be a steep learning curve
While the Urologists wet themselves.
And the Neurologists lost their nerve

NHS CUT BACKS # 10

The NHS has plans to save money
Which may leave the institution blighted
Audiologists haven’t heard a thing
And Ophthalmologists think them short sighted
Plastic Surgeons are being two faced
But Pathologists are dead against change
Podiatrists think them a step backwards
While Psychiatrists think them deranged

NONSENSICAL EPISODE

2011-06-13T05:40:00.001-07:00

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 1

Living life in cartoons
A happy life in Looney tunes
Incomprehensible croons
Beneath silvery moons
Shooting at pink balloons
With captain Ahab’s harpoons
Spending Sunday afternoons
Chatting with baboons
Playing cricket in the dunes
With chipmunks and raccoons
Eating out of date prunes
With runsible spoons

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 2

I see Dogs in clogs
Cats in spats
Goats in coats
Flies in ties
Llamas in pyjamas
I think I drink
Too much caffeine

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 3

When I close my eyes
I see Lasses in glasses
Tarts in carts
Girls in pearls
Flirts in skirts
Fillies in frillies
Girls in curls
Chics in nix
God I really need sex

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 4

I see birds in herds
Freaks with beaks
Tykes on bikes
Mancs in tanks
Bowsers in trousers
Paedo’s in speedos
Perverts in skirts
Streakers in sneakers
Coppers in toppers
Scouses in blouses
Weirdo’s in hairdos
And I ask myself
What was in that roll up?

I KISSED A GIRL

2011-06-13T05:39:00.001-07:00

I KISSED A GIRL # 1

I kissed a girl,
A very friendly sort
While I was staying
At a seaside resort

One kiss led to another
One kiss led to the other
And one kiss led to her
Becoming a mother

I KISSED A GIRL # 2

I kissed the girl
On an aeroplane
And on the airport bus
I kissed her once again

I kissed a girl
That I met in Spain
We met later that day
And we kissed again

I kissed the girl
With the long white train
And at the alter
I kissed her once again

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 11

2011-06-13T05:38:00.000-07:00

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 11

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love tarty Marti
And svelter Delta
Sloppy Poppy
And vulgar Olga

I love baddy Maddie
And angrier Andrea
Clean Jean
And fairer Farah

I love scorer Pandora
And messy Bessie
Gaudy Maudie
And sassie Cassie

I love a damp vamp
To tell the truth
Or Horny Dawny
And uncouth Ruth

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 12

I do have a favourite;
I like them with a predisposition
Basically I like them dirty
And prepared for any position

I love Commando Jo
And nudie Trudy
Above the knee Fi
And rudie Judy

I love on her back Jack
The leerer Vera
Back alley Sally
And in the rear Greer

I love fellatia Felicia
The giver of head
Pork me Courtney
And three in a bed Winifred

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 13

I do have a favourite;
I like them with a predisposition
Basically I like them dirty
And prepared for any position

I love feelier Ophelia
And mauler Paula
Dirty Gertie
And pawer Dora

I love Harlot Charlotte
And Spanky Frankie
Molester Ester
And first in Kirsten

I love envelopy Penelope
Then get free again
For a crumpet strumpet
And game whatsaname

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 14

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love square Clair
And plane Jayne
Prettier Leticia
And vane Lorraine

I love Slinky Pinky
And Bipolar Lola
Jammy Sami
And Tequila Sheila

I love Thirsty Kirstie
And Cabana Lana
Caffeine Kristine
And Marijuana Adriana

I love never fail Abigail
One of many Penny
Can’t fool her Tallulah
And spend a penny Jenny

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 15

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love warmer Norma
And chilly Millie
Brahma Alma
And misty Kristi

I love diva Riva
And the miser Eliza
Expressly Leslie
And viler Isla

I love sweet Reet
And henna Sienna
Bonny Bonnie
And better Henrietta

I love crabby Gabby
And flabby Abi
Tabby Abi
And shabby Tabbi

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 16

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love ballerina Katrina
And piston Kristen
Rave Maive
And oblivion Vivian

I love slasher Sasha
And gaily Kayleigh
Greener Meena
And trophy Sophie

I love Christian Christine
And the mystical Zen Jen
Pegan Megan
And Zen Jen once again

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 17

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love bilious Phileas
And slow Mo
Jail bait Kate
And here we go Jo

I love Havana Savannah
And felony Melanie
Gonna Donna
And orally Laura-Lee

I love sillieth Lilleth
And Soya Moiré
Sillier Delia
And coyer Toya

I love brash Tash
And swell Gabrielle
Coarser Porsche
And go to hell Mel

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 18

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love TaTa Tara
And poor Dorr
Trim Miriam
And say more Gaynor

I love stiff Steph
And better Greta
Madeira Vera
And skeleta Nicolleta

I love Pizzeria Pia
And green Jean
World Wide Web Deb
And Chlorine Maureen

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 19

I do have a favourite;
I like them with a similar name
Basically I have a bad memory
So the names should sound the same

Like Rosita, Lolita
Sita, Rita or Nikita
Anita, Margarita
Benita, Nita or Greta

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 20

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love Chaise Blaise
And Bombay Rene
Pulsy Dulcie
And Crochet Fay

I love Gray Kay
And shorn Fawn
Blue Pru
And forlorn Dawn

I love Taxi Maxi
And Swish Trish
Victorian Dorian
And Swiss Bliss

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL

2011-06-10T06:04:00.000-07:00

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 5

My thoughts are sinful
For the thoughts I think
Are of the open petals
Of your flower moist and pink

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 6

My thoughts are sinful
And they’d make you frown
For to make me stand up
You would go down

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 7

My thoughts are sinful
Thoughts of your silky skin
The lushness of your bush
Your succulent musk within
A firm young body
With soft moist lips of sin

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME

2011-06-10T06:03:00.000-07:00

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 1

You wouldn’t smile at me
Or give me that cheeky grin
If you knew I imagine you
With my balls resting on your chin

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 2

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you could read my mind
And vividly picture my thoughts
Which are of a lustful kind
Thoughts of bending you over
And taking you from behind

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 3

You wouldn’t smile at me
With that sweet look on your face
If you knew I imagine you
In black stockings and lace

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 4

You wouldn’t smile at me
My sweet innocent miss
If you knew I wanted to visit
Your sweet haven of bliss

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 5

You wouldn’t smile at me
In that sweet way that you do
If you knew I often imagine
Myself orally pleasing you

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 6

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew all the while
That I was imagining you
Wearing nothing but a smile

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 7

You wouldn’t smile at me
You’d never smile so sweetly
If you knew I imagined you
Pleasuring yourself before me

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 8

You wouldn’t smile at me
You’d never smile so sweetly
If you knew I imagined you
Naked and straddling me

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 9

You wouldn’t smile at me
Never again after this time
If you knew I imagined you
The other half of my sixty-nine

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 10

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew the thoughts I think
Imagining you in an erotic dance
Scantily clad in sensual pink

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 11

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew my fantasies
Of you slowly undressing
As you tantalise and tease
Before submitting to me
On your hands and knees

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 12

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew what’s in my head
Pictures of you lying naked
Beneath me in my bed

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 13

You wouldn’t smile at me
Because my thoughts would appal
Because I think of having you
Up against the office wall

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 14

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew my thought process
When I imagine you commando
Underneath that pretty dress

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 15

You wouldn’t smile at me
With my thoughts misbehavin’
If you knew how I wonder
If you have a shaven haven

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD

2011-06-10T05:57:00.001-07:00

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 1

Dreams are really very odd
Last night I sat up in bed
Clutching a pillow to my chest
And then I loudly said
I’m off up the garden
To bury the dog
My wife barked “You silly sod,
We haven’t got a dog”

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 2

Dreams are really very odd
Last night my wife sat up and said
“Tell Lionel to stop
It’s really hurting my head”
I enquired politely
What the hell she was on about
“Lionel Blair is in the wardrobe
Get the tosser out”
Now considering the early hour
I had the patience of Job
And softly said “Why would he
Be in our wardrobe”?
A fare question, I thought
She just gave me a frown
“Tap dancing you idiot”
And then she lay back down

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 3

Dreams are an odd part of life
Last night my considerate wife
Woke me from my slumber to declare
“It was so bloody unfair”
I said “what on earth is wrong?
“What’s unfair, what’s going on?
“The life of a sports journalist”
She replied and she wasn’t even pissed

PUT DOWNS

2011-06-10T05:53:00.000-07:00

PUT DOWN # 40

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if they are relentless
And as thick as granite
Just say to him
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

PUT DOWN # 41

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if he is relentless
One of those persistant fellas
Just say at the top of your voice
"No I wont f*ck you for 100 dollars!"

PUT DOWN # 42

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should hesitate over your name
Then that’s your cue
Just say to him
"Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!"

PUT DOWN # 43

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he offers you champayne
And celebrates like a winner
Just say to him
"Are you drinking your dinner?"

PUT DOWN # 44

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he sugest he is your prince
Come to rescue you from your plight
Just say to him
"You live with your mom still, right?"

PUT DOWN # 45

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
A best with animal magnetism
Is what he will probably think
Just say to him
"So you're the missing link"

PUT DOWN # 46

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Let me make mad passionate love to you”
He may say seductivly
Just reply to him
'Did I mention the kick in the balls you'll if you touch me?'

MORE 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

2011-06-10T05:47:00.000-07:00

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 202

Mary, Mary quite contrary
This is what I want to know
With an Adams apple
And the razors dapple
Are you really a girl, yes or no?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 203

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Margarine in a tub,
Without any butter the table is bare
The crumpets, the muffins,
Bread from the loaf tins
They all need to be buttered thick
For the most satisfyingly simple fare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 204

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Thanks for the grub,
Without the Lord no one would care
The father the son
And the spiritual one
The guardian angels of heavens host
They all make sure the tables not bare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 205

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a Pub,
And how do you think they got there?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick-maker,
They can’t remember to tell the truth
And to be honest they don’t really care

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 206

The fair maid who, the first of May
Goes to the fields at break of day,
And picks strawberries ripe and juicy
Isn’t a native of this country

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 207

The King of France went up the hill
With twenty thousand men;
The King of France came down the hill,
As it was coffee time again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 208

The man in the moon came tumbling down
And asked his way to Norwich;
You should have gone to Specsavers
Said a cheeky man from Ipswich

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 209

The man in the wilderness asked me
“How many strawberries grew in the sea”
I answered him, as I thought fit,
Leave me alone you annoying little shit

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 210

There was a fat man of Bombay,
Who was smoking one sunshiny day,
When a government lackey
Confiscated all his backy
And fined the fat man of Bombay

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 211

There was a jolly miller once
Lived on the river Dee;
He worked and sang from morn till night,
And that was really annoying to me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 212

There was a little boy and a little girl,
Lived in an alley;
Says the little boy to the little girl,
"How about it Sally?"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 213

There was a man in Thessaly,
And he was wondrous wise,
He helped us and we wouldn’t have found
That sports bar otherwise

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 214

There was a monkey
Climbed up a tree;
No it’s the boy from next door,
Silly me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 215

Little Tommy Tittlemouse
Lived in a little house;
And his missus
Made him wash the dishes

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 216

Mary had a pretty bird,
Plumage bright and yellow,
Slender legs, upon this bird
Mary didn’t need a fellow

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 217

Bessie Bell and Mary Gray,
They were two bonnie lasses:
They built their house upon the lea,
And were visited by flashers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 218

There was an old wife
Who did eat an apple;
But she spat it out,
“Bloody Golden Delicious”

Variety

2011-05-04T03:14:00.000-07:00

BIX

Leon Bismark "Bix" Beiderbecke
(March 10, 1903 – August 6, 1931)

It was said of Bix
That his Cornet spat out notes
Like shooting bullets at a bell
And his solos sounded as sweet
As a girl saying yes.
Bix Beiderbecke was simply the best
He was at the birth of hot music
His light illuminated
The jazz age
His Cornet accompanied
The roaring twenties
He was a romantic legend,
The young man with a Horn
But in keeping with the character
Of the very best of youth
His flame burned very brightly
But equally it burned quickly
And like the most beautiful star
He burned himself out
All too soon
Bix lived for the jazz
But died for the booze

ARTIE

When Artie Shaw
Was the King of Swing
His liquorice stick
Was made to sing

With a beat
To tap your toe too
Or melodies
To serenade you

Swing to get the kids
A jumping
Tunes to get the blood
A pumping

Artie Shaw and his
Tuneful clarinet
The King of Swing
Was as good as they get

I PRAY FOR PEACE

I pray for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
So why does such a prayer of peace
Go unanswered, answer me
Its not that God doesn’t hear the prayer
He wants the same you see
God prays for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
But his prayers remain unanswered
For mankind is deafened to his plea

MAKING DO

We certainly don’t have a lot
But we are content with what we’ve got
We may not be among the wealthiest
But we are certainly among the happiest
Because we don’t have to have the best of everything
We just make the best of everything we have

PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

Here is an important life tip
That will help you like as not
If you see a lot, take a few
If you see a few, take the lot

THE BLUE JEAN BOY

The blue jean boy
His black Perfecto
Over his white T
Just watched Brando
In The Wild Ones
Wanted to hit the road and go

The blue jean boy
Told his brother Michael
That he was a wild one
And he bought a motorcycle

The blue jean boy
Took to the road he chose
What happened that day
Nobody really knows
But when he hit the road
Blue jean boy never arose

A MELLOW FELLOW

A mellow fellow
A fellow in yellow
A fellow called Morello
Morello played the cello
Morello didn’t bellow
Morello was mellow
The fellow ate his jello
His jello was yellow
Mellow yellow jello
For a mellow fellow

LADY MARY

Mary, lady with the malady
The marmaladie lady
M’lady marmalade
Mary the marmaladie lady

Just A Bit Humerous

2011-05-04T03:12:00.000-07:00

CUTTING EDGE LENS TECHNOLOGY

My son just bought the most amazing camera
With super fast shutter speed, “on the edge of the cut”
And when he photographed my wife and I
He managed to snap her with her mouth shut

SPAM, SPAM AND MORE SPAM

I keep getting spam emails
From Ms Fatale Attraction
Who is a bored housewife
Looking for some hot action
With a younger man, if poss
So if I keep receiving her siren-ing
I might just reply to her
Then I can send her my ironing

THE RIGHT QUESTION

“You probably get this quite a lot I expect,
So I’ll make it quick and not prolong,
Aren’t you the chap who invented Tippex?,
You are, are you not; correct me if I’m wrong”

TUNNEL OF SELF LOVE

When a narcissists riding of
The tunnel of love is planned
He’ll want to sit alone in a car
So he can hold his own hand

A FISHY DEMISE

I’ve lost all of my tropical fish
And it’s my neighbour I have to thank
Because he plays his music so loud
It caused a tsunami in my fish tank

SIR CUMFERENCE OF CAMELOT

Sir Cumference of Camelot
Could eclipse the sun in the sky
With the bulk of his obesity
Though he didn’t know why
His physician warned him that
Left unchecked he would die
But he had a hearty appetite
And that was the reason why
Sir Cumference of Camelot
Could eclipse the sun in the sky
And the immensity of his girth
Was caused, by too much pi

DOG-DAY AFTERNOON

I start in the morning
With a spring in my step
Like an excited puppy
Full of vigour and pep
But at the end of the day
I walk with a heavier step
And feel less like a puppy
And more like “old shep”

THE MEASURE OF A MAN

Bimbette and Peaches were standing by a flagpole,
Looking up at it in a rather puzzled way
When they were asked what the were doing
By a pleasant young man passing their way

“We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole
But we don't have a ladder” Said Bimbette with a frown
The young man took a spanner from his pocket
Loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down

He then took a tape measure from his other pocket,
Took a few measurements, and said it was 18 feet
Then he returned the flagpole to its previous condition
And strode off confidently down the street

Bimbette said “How like a man!! give me strength,
You ask him for the height and he gives you the length

TRAFFIC CALMING MEASURES

The highways departmentt have decided
In a review of speed management
To replace the current
Traffic calming measures
No more speed bumps
Or chicanes
Flashing road signs or traffic cameras
No bollards or over painted road surfaces
A newer cheaper alternative has been found
To promote road safety
So the highways dept have decided
Just to stop repairing potholes
Because they really slow drivers down

A SMALL STATISTIC

Here is a statistic
That is a bit crappy
Only one in seven dwarves
Are actually happy

PERSONAL BANKING

I went to my bank yesterday
As I went to work, it’s on my way
I said to the cashier Miss Valance
“Hello can you check my balance”
She replied “yes certainly Mr. Dover”
Then walked round and pushed me over

BUSAN TO SEOUL

I’m moving from Busan to Seoul
But my family don’t approve
But I start a new job in Seoul next week
And it’s a good Korea move

FUMING WIFE

My wife was tragically overcome
By a very unsavory hum
To which she did succumb
As a result of the deadly aroma
By wife of ten years, Oma
Now lies prone in a coma
But the main reason I’m so glum
Is that the offending noxious hum
Actually emanated from my bum
So my dear wife alas and alack
Now lays motionless on her back
Because of her husbands gas attack

DEATH AT SEA

I fight for my life
In the icy water
But fatigue overcomes me
And I succumb
To the welcoming waters
And as I slip beneath the waves
My life replays before me
Like an old home movie
And I think to my self
As my life ebbs away
Damn that was boring

BREATH OF WIND

To break wind alfresco
Seems to me such a waste
If you can feel it coming
Move inside with all haste
Stand under the air conditioning
Then everyone gets a taste

DISRESPECTING THE BOSS

Gwen looks like Mavis Cruet,
The plump clumsy fairy,
The one from Willo the Wisp
All warty and hairy

Mavis was too fat too fly
With erratic magical powers
Gwen knows what we call her
And she sits in her office and glowers

She may look like Mavis Cruet,
But in truth she’s like Evil Edna
And she will wreak her revenge
Because she’s our employer

ST ANTHONY

St Anthony is a patron saint
Of lost things, articles and bits
I once had a St Anthony Medal
But I don’t know where to find it

MILESTONE BIRTHDAY

I’ve been dreading, turning forty,
But it occurred to me then
That I won’t really be 40
I’ll just be thirty 10

SENIOR RETIREMENT

At last I’m retired
It’s just what I desired
So goodbye to the tension
And hello to my pension

PARTY ANIMAL

I went to a party
And I really dressed to kill
A werewolf and a full moon
Seemed to fit the bill

ABRASIVE BEHAVIOUR

I have been charged with murdering a man
With sandpaper, the really course grit
But I’m pleading it down to manslaughter
Because I only meant to rough him up a bit

EMBRACE WITH CAUTION

Embracing is good, I like to hug, and I like to cuddle
But you should be very careful I would say
As there’s a very fine line between a cuddle
And holding them down so they can't get away

ELEMENTARY TAXI

I jumped into the cab
'Conan Doyle’s Close driver'
Don't worry; he said,
We’ll lose him at the lights Guvna

PARTY GUEST

I went to a party
And I really dressed to kill
The SAS combat fatigues
Seemed to fit the bill

LOST PROPERTY INQUIRY

“Good morning,
Is that lost property?
I have misplaced some articles
Could you possibly help me?

The last time I had them?
Was on a train to Waterloo
Traveling from Rowland’s Castle
I think it was the 9.22

The items are of particular import,
The first item was my heart,
Which has been returned,
In a state of disrepair, but it’s a start

Other articles include, my dignity,
My self respect, have you seen them at all?
What about my back bone
Or perhaps you have found my balls”

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

Whenever my wife fills in a form for me
And it asks who to notify in an emergency
She always writes down her name, what for?
I don’t want her called, she’s not a doctor

TGIF

I have just looked at the clock
And it’s left me feeling great
Its 4 o’clock on Friday afternoon
Or what I like to call the home straight

THE LOCAL CHEMIST

A pub landlord
Is just a pharmacist
With a more limited
Inventory list

SAY IT AS IT IS

Velveteen isn’t Velvet
And Sateen isn’t silk
A sours ear isn’t a purse
And UHT isn’t milk

Poems Of A Sexual Nature

2011-05-04T02:57:00.001-07:00

AWKWARD TEENAGE MOMENTS

The stress of being a teenager
Do you remember?
Especially the instant arousals
Of the little member
The slightest thought
Of a sexual nature
Instantly breathed life
Into your little creature
Your heart starts pumping
And the blood surges
To feed the beast
On sexual urges
All of which
Was fine and dandy
Providing of course you had
Your girlfriend handy
Or some privacy
Then there was no issue
Providing of course you had
A supply of tissue
Not so helpful
If you’re out walking
Or with your granny
Sat small talking
In any place
That you couldn’t touch
That I’m afraid
I didn’t like much
Like on the bus
Or on the train
When a girl gets on
And oh no not again

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING

You can wear an ankle bracelet
And have piercings through your bits
You can even have a tramp stamp
But don’t go messing with your tits

You can wear a thong up your bum
You can remove every hair you’ve grown
You can show everyone your belly
But please leave your tits alone

I’ll admit they’re not the biggest
But you have the perfect little pair
I don’t want you to look like Jordan
With two footballs hanging there

Your breasts were made by nature
And by definition they are perfection
I don’t want a surgeon Frankenstein
Messing with your lovely confections

PARTY FAVOURS DECLINED

She looked tarty
At the party
And I got the horn
Dancing with Dawn
Which was great
It was first rate
But I wasn’t thrilled
She left me chilled
The problem lay
I should say
Not in my arousal
At the carousal
But her rejection
Of my erection

THE GIRL WALKED LINGERIE FREE

All eyes turned towards her
The girl in the black silk dress
With stockined legs, black and sheer
The girl walked lingerie free
Her unfettered breasts
Moving freely beneath the silk
Her buttocks had a rhythm
When she walked that hypnotized
Each movement of her hips
Rolled and rounded
The perfect globes
And returned them with precision,
They moved them again
Her effortless movement
On high stiletto heels
I could only watch
In a heightened state of arousal
The effects on me
Both hypnotic and erotic

BENDY WENDY

Wendy was bendy
And a delight to behold
She was pliant and supple
And easy to fold

Wendy was bendy
Her pliancy had no end
And in the bedroom
She was my flexible friend

NUCLEAR PETUNIA

Nuclear Petunia was insatiable
A sexual being to her core
She would do it in a cupboard
She would do it on the floor
She never got exhausted
She just wanted more and more
Petunia truly was atomic
She just went on and on
And in between no respite
Just another nuclear fusion

LYCRA LADY?

The Lycra fitted her
Like a second skin.
Taut and seamless
Leaving every contour revealed
Each curve, each mound
Every peak and valley
Every ridge and canyon
Of her voluptuous landscape
Her immodesty shown
In stark relief

COMING OF AGE

When I was still but a boy
I went to visit a house of joy
And although I had to pay
I would honestly have to say
That for a coming of age event
It was the best quid I ever spent

Words on Love # 5

2011-05-04T02:50:00.001-07:00

AWOKEN

You have awoken the sleeping beast
That was my heart of black
You have awakened the feelings
That died in me a long time back

You have made my senses tingle
You have made my pulses race
You have filled me with a glow
And brought a smile back to my face

Now the sleeping beast has awoken
I just thought you should know
You have given me new life
And I will always love you so

WE ARE AT THE BEGINNING

We are at the beginning
We are barely on our way
Love is still new and fresh
But I would just like to say
I want to grow old with you
Till we are both old and grey
I want us both to be together
Until our far off dying day

REMINISCING KISSING

I like to sit and reminisce
About that first, of many, kiss
We weren’t even a couple yet
We hadn’t really properly met
Two complete novices in the art
Yet we kissed from the start
Like masters of the kissing craft
With a passionate abiding graft
I like to sit and reminisce
About our special first kiss

GIVE UP BABE

Give up babe
Forget about me
Marry him
I know you want me baby
But it’s over
Don’t call me
Don't tell me you love me
Don’t be a bunny boiler
Don't speak
Don't ask me why
I don’t want to be cruel
The sun has gone down on us
It doesn’t make me feel good
That we’ve thrown it all away
So walk away
Don’t stop
Don’t look back

IN AN INTENSE GAZE

I’m holding you in my arms,
Staring into your green eyes,
And a feeling washes over me
A feeling of intense love
And it makes me smile
Then your eyes meet mine
In an intense gaze
And I see in the depths of your eyes
Recognition and I know
You love me the same

L FOR LIBRARIAN

I see you differently tonight
Not the bookish librarian
No beige sweater and slacks
No tied back hair
And sensible shoes
Tonight you are no quiet librarian
Tonight you prowl
On four inch heels
Tonight you are the huntress
On the black stockined legs
A lioness in a cocktail dress
Hair flowing like a mane
Who knew what lay beneath?
The shapeless beige
And baggy trousers
A woman hid beneath the drab
A woman with shape and form
Curves and undulations
Look under S for sexy

BOBBY SOXER

I’m in love with a 50’s teen
I’m in love with my Bobby Soxer.
Pony tail bobbing
Wearing my Letterman
Over her white blouse
Then the free-swinging
Poodle skirt
Defining her waist
And accentuating those hips.
A flattering swirl of skirt
Covers her skinny legs
She looks so cute
In her bobby socks
And saddle shoes
How I love it
When she kicks up
Her Mary Jane’s
As we bop at the sock hop

MY SWEATER GIRL

Nobody filled a sweater
Quite like my sweater girl
And no one in a poodle skirt
Could match her swing and swirl

Nobody could cut a rug
Like my sweater girl could do
And when it came to necking
She’d be the one for you

It didn’t matter what she wore
She was the cutest by a mile
In PF Fliers and pedal pushers
Or at the hop putting on the style

Nobody filled a sweater
Like my sweater girl could
And if I could go back fifty years
Then I promise you I would

JUNE IN THE DUNES

On the longest day in June
The songsters croon
Beneath the summer moon
But lovers play a different tune
In the quiet of the dune
Finds loves passions strewn
Where lovers fondly spoon
And Terry makes love to June
He begs the morn not to come to soon
She similarly begs him to attune

Words on Love # 4

2011-05-04T02:49:00.001-07:00

LOVE OVERBOARD

I’m like a drowning man
Since you cast me aside
Into a sea of pain
To fight desperately
Against the tide of despair
That has overcome me
I choke on the salt water
Of my lonely tears
Wishing you would rescue me
Keep me afloat with your love
But you do not come
And I sink beneath the waves
And our life together
Passes before my eyes

SKIN DEEP

You are all veneer,
With no oak beneath
You are all gloss finish
With no undercoat
You are a pastry top
With no pie below
You are faith
Without belief
You are attraction
Without love
You are shallow
And superficial

WHEN WE ARE APART

When we are apart
My heart breaks
Each painful moment
My heart aches
Come home soon
For both our sakes

MORE THAN EVER NOW

More than ever now
I want you.
Each day that passes
Surpasses its predecessor
In contentment
You are my salvation

Remembering the time before us
Leaves me cold
You brought me home
Into the warmth
You tended to my heart
Restored my faith
Pacified the torments

More than ever now
I need you
Each day that passes
Eclipses its predecessor
You are my miracle
Banishing sorrow forever
Replenishing my love
Refreshing my spirit
Tending my flesh

More than ever now
I want you.
I need you
I love you

HE SAID THOSE WORDS

He said those words,
He said them to me,
I thought I had misheard
So he had to say them twice
Was it a mistake?
Did he mean to say them to me?
Of course not,
He’s not talking to me
He’s talking to Carol
She’s sat behind me
Oh no she’s gone for coffee
So yes he was talking to me
He did say those words,
And he did say them to me
I couldn't believe it
I thought I must be dreaming,
I would wake up in a moment
To find it was a pleasant dream
And I would smile to myself
And let out a little sigh
But he said those words to me
And with those words
He changed my world
The sun shone on my existence
And my heart skipped a beat
I didn’t even know he’d noticed me
I didn’t know he knew that I existed
But he said those words to me
And I said yes

EVERY MINUTE THAT I LIVE

The heartfelt declaration I wish to give
Is that I love every minute that I live
I love every minute and that is true
Except for the moments I’m not with you

HOPELESS

The hope has gone
Hope of love
Hope of tenderness
It has fallen into the abyss
The hope of Joy
And requited feelings
Have evaporated
And are lost in the ether
And the hope
That what once was lost
Can be found
Is a shattered myth

OUR LOVE IS NEW LOVE

Our love is new love
Our love is true love
Don’t be blue love
Because I love you love

Our love is new love
My love is true love
I won’t be blue love
Because I love you love

Our love is new love
Is your love a true love?
Don’t make me blue love
Say I love you too love

THE SEEDS OF LOVE ARE SOWN

The seeds of love are sown
When cupid’s arrow flies
A love that grows ever stronger
Begins at first in the eyes

Then the seeds are nurtured
And with patient cultivation
Then love, strong and sturdy
Will be the fruitful culmination

Words on Love # 3

2011-05-04T02:48:00.000-07:00

LOOKING FOR LOVE

I seek your love but
Get only lust, I seek passion
Yet I get only sex

IN AND OUT

Outside I was cool
Detached, laidback
Appearing indifferent

Inside I was in
Torment, twisted by jealousy
Envy and bitterness

GIVING OVER

I gave to you my heart
I told you, you could take it
I knew that I could trust you
I knew you wouldn’t break it
You gave to me in return
Your own precious fragile heart

OF THE HEART

You gave to me all your love
And as a means by which to measure
You gave to me your heart
Which I will always treasure

RELUCTANT LOVE

You gave to me protection
Like shelter from a squall
You made me feel important
Not insignificantly small
You made me feel safe
Never vulnerable at all
And though it took time
For me to eventually fall
I love you so much now
Like a puppy loves a ball

ANGEL IN MY BED

There is an angel in my bed
Asleep beneath the sheets
Her angelic countenance
Exuding heavenly serenity
But I can safely say
The angel that I can see
Asleep beneath the sheets
The angel lying in my bed
After what we did before
Is not an angel anymore

I SPEND ALL OF MY DAYS MISSING YOU

I spend all of my days missing you
And at night I dream of kissing you
And I just wanted to let you know
That I just can’t seem to let you go
If you called to me and beaconed
I would take you back in a second

HOLE IN MY LIFE

Since you left me on my own
Loneliness is rife
I don’t want to be your widow
I want to be your wife
Losing you was such a blow
That’s left a hole in my life